


The Beauty of Normality

by Camelabrakedabra



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Retail, Eventual Romance, Hate to Love, M/M, Oral Sex, POV First Person, Poverty, Workplace Relationship, relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-04-08 11:37:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 53
Words: 266,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14104536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Camelabrakedabra/pseuds/Camelabrakedabra
Summary: The sexiest thing about a guy is when he acts normal. A celebrity who always knew he was going to be famous? Okay, sure. A celebrity that always wanted to be a vet and cries over videos of homeless dogs? Now, that's sexy.Choi Seungcheol wasn't normal in the slightest - at least not since his promotion. He had the potential to be stunning, but he was far from it when we worked together. Stressed, pushy, cold. Nothing you'd want from a manager, nevermind a lover.Unsurprisingly, I fell in love with him anyway. It's a story about him, after all, and it's exactly what you'd expect.





	1. Chapter 1

Normality is probably the sexiest quality that a man can have.

I mean it. It's the sort of thing that puts me off falling in love with even the most attractive celebrities until they show the slightest hint of normality in their ways. He's always been striving to be a singer? So what? He used to want to be a vet because he loves animals? That's the sort of thing that would draw me right in. They're not above loving animals, playing pretend with toddlers, still kissing their mom goodnight and dancing with their little brother. They cry tears of sadness when they're hurting, and tears of joy stream down their faces when they see their best friend succeeding. Anger. Hurt. Disappointment. Happiness. Love. Envy. Indifference when they should be bothered. Irritation when they should be indifferent. Low moods and high moods. Anxiety and mania. It's what makes everyone human. And I truly believe that it's the sexiest thing to be able to show that to the world.

Mind you, it's the same with real people who I interact with on a daily basis too. I work in retail, which means constantly being around other people. It's not anything glamorous, but it's a job. More specifically, I work in the stock rooms of the store. I'm the man who listens to a location through my headpiece - something like three-four-charlie-juliett or five-seven-alpha-mike - and then it's my job to find out what you just purchased. "Description," I'll say. The headpiece will tell me that you ordered, say, a microwave, and so I'll read back the number that's registered in our online catalogue before taking it out to the shop floor for you to take it home.

That's where I see the most normal people. A grown man getting excited over his copy of The Sims 4. An elderly man purchasing a UNIX hairdryer for his wife. Newlyweds getting their first Cuchen rice steamer. A little girl getting to choose between our Rotom and Popplio plushes. I also see people getting hit with frustration as they realise that the product isn't the size they'd expected. Tired single mothers trying to wrestle with impatient children whilst picking up their item at the same time. I've even had one man come over to request that I skip to his item next because he'd received a call whilst waiting to say that his mother had been taken into hospital after suffering from a heart attack, and he needed to be with her but also needed to take her birthday present - the necklace he'd bought - with him so that she would have a bit of happiness. And I love it. From the happy stories to the sad stories, I love every interaction and the rawness of the emotion that comes alongside it.

What I don't like, though, is the sort of man who strives to be above everyone else. Self-improvement is fair enough and I do believe that people should try to be their best self, but I also feel like actively trying to have the upper-hand over other people is nasty and unnecessary. There's too much emphasis on it in today's society and I'd really rather not have to deal with entitled pricks telling me that I'm not enough when they're essentially the same as me, only slightly higher up in society.

Take Choi Seungcheol for example. As a colleague working on the shop floor, he trained me until I had it all right. He gave me confidence and filled me with pride. And then he got promoted to a 'team leader' - a fancy way of saying that he deals with complaints and refunds as well as being on the shop floor. From that moment, he became picky about everything. Not quite to the point of being a complete asshole, but getting there. I'm "not moving fast enough", I "must be blind" if I didn't see the item straight away, "it gives a bad impression" if I'm struggling to carry a bookshelf over from the back of the stockroom. Just petty things that get you down, but are usually made up for when he fixes your mistakes and follows it up with a simple, "No worries."

It's hit and miss with him, and that's what I don't like about him. If he was usually hot-headed, I could handle it. If he was an ass before his morning coffee, I could understand. But I'm in fear of him, in a way. When I ask him a question, there's a fifty-fifty chance that he'll happily help me out, or he might instead roll his eyes and point out that he's explained it to me before. There's no saying which one it'll be; no predictors or indicators. It drives me insane. Every time I check the rota and see that he's on shift with me, I feel a tingle of anxiety in my spine. Perhaps he'll be in the upper stock room with me whilst I'm trying to put away our latest delivery and he'll be silently judging everything that I do. Whilst I don't really want to be around him whatsoever, I suppose that that would be the best option out of all of them. I'm particularly quick at putting away deliveries, usually managing to get fourteen or fifteen full cages of stock away over an eight-hour shift. I'm quick because I fear being around him and the implications that my slowness would have, but I've never really mentioned that to anyone. Instead, I simply hope that he'll praise me for being speedy with it and still managing to send down the customers' orders at the same time. Balance is key, and it's what keeps us going.

Of all of the managers, I genuinely think that Seungcheol is the worst. I think I get on with just about everyone else but he has his own special way of emotionally draining me. Every shift that he's around, I find myself taking a slow walk to the nearest supermarket and searching for something to take the edge off my day. Usually, it's foods that are packed full of calories. Cakes, chocolate, candy, pudding cups; anything that I can find. It doesn't matter whether I'm fond of that type of food, so long as it makes me feel better about everything. More often than not, I find my mood dropping as soon as I leave the building. My customer service face makes its prompt exit and I'm left feeling emotionally numb. I overthink everything, from the way that he makes me feel stupid to the way that he tries to act as if he's above me. And it hurts. It hurts badly. I used to be that sort of guy who would try to make friends with every colleague. You can't always choose your job, due to the need for money and the lack of availability, but you can choose to make it easier on yourself. That was my plan, but he was the ultimate reason why it fell through.

Naturally, though, this wouldn't be a story if something didn't change. You were probably expecting that from the start, I imagine. Expecting that something would dramatically change to turn him into a much better person. Now, I wouldn't necessarily say that he became a better _person,_ but our relationship _did_ change a lot over the space of a few weeks and so that's the story you'll be hearing. The story of how the guy who made my shifts a living hell ended up becoming my boyfriend.

It was a particularly tough week at the time. The Lunar New Year was just around the corner and everyone was rushing in to grab everything that they could get for their family and friends. Grandma needed a new neck pillow, Uncle really wanted some good quality knives for butchering fish. A lot of people were even coming in for things to put the money in for the younger members of their family. For a lot of people, these were pouches or slips of some sort; paper, card or satin, and red in colour. For the more creative people who came into our store, these were small wooden boxes. "I'm planning on painting each one and writing my nieces' and nephews' names on them in hanja, and then I'll hide them around the house, give them each a key, and set them off on a hunt to find them," one lady proudly announced as I gave her the nine boxes that she'd ordered. "I'm hoping that it'll keep them occupied for a long time because I need to spend some time with my brothers and sisters. Out of three of them, I've only seen one since last New Year." I was impressed, to say the least, and wished her good luck with it.

As I went around the warehouse, I considered how it would be to see my own family over that period. The store was closed, so I had plenty of time to spend with them, but I'd never really considered what I was going to do exactly. There wasn't really a lot of time to get gifts for everyone, and I didn't really know how I was going to find the time to plan what I wanted to get them either. I was set to work every day leading up to the new year, and my shift times meant that I had limited time to actually pick anything up. Perhaps I would need to order something online in order to ensure that everything was sorted in time. That way, it would be sorted with enough time to spare for me to avoid feeling anxious about it all.

My thoughts were promptly interrupted by a shout from Seungcheol. I jumped, almost dropping the kettle that I was holding. He appeared at the end of the aisle and his expression was completely unreadable. "Jeonghan, did you just take a bookshelf from seventy-one-golf-zulu?" he asked, sounding irritated.  
"Yeah, I put it on the belt to go downstairs," I told him, and he immediately gave out a sigh.  
"It was on reserve for home delivery. What am I supposed to do now?" My eyebrows immediately furrowed and I made my way out towards him.  
"Well, if it was scheduled for home delivery, it should have been marked as 'reserved' on the system so no one should have been able to buy it."

"They did, though. And that's the problem; as you said, they weren't supposed to be able to buy it." He gave another sigh and ran a hand through his hair. As we moved towards the belt again, he made his way over to the computer and plugged in his login details on the stock checker app. I continued to pick around him for a minute or two as he began to search through the internal movement details for a moment, trying his best to figure out how someone had managed to buy something that was already reserved by someone else, and then he suddenly started to slam the Escape key over and over again until it was back on the login page. "This fucking job is turning me grey, I swear. I'm going downstairs to sort this out, and then I'll be going on my break. Maybe the Yongsan store's excess checks found a spare one or something. Call downstairs if you need me for anything."

And then he was gone. I didn't really know what to do with myself all of a sudden. He seemed tired, more than anything else, and I could imagine that it was probably a lot of work to sort out the problem. Whilst I'd initially expected that it was something that I'd done wrong, he'd not really scolded me for it or anything. For once, he seemed to be more irritated with the system, instead of being irritated with me specifically.

Yet, there wasn't much I could do, other than continue picking. My login didn't have permissions set up for me to be able to help him out and it was the last one in store, so there wasn't really anything else I could do. I couldn't call up another store and ask them to send one over, so I was forced to simply get on with the picks. It was all the same stuff as usual, really. Hair straighteners. Board games. Extra chairs. Cardboard boxes and bubble wrap. Duvets, mattresses, pillows, bedsheets, blow-up beds. Occasionally, there was something like a television or a vacuum cleaner to mix things up, but it rarely strayed. It got to the point where I could simply ask for the catalogue number without asking for the item's description and I could give the last digit before I got there. You only need to get the same silver three airer three times to memorise the eight-digit number. 8505-6810. It's ingrained in my mind now, along with the code for that same hot water dispenser. 4230-9292.

It took a solid hour for Seungcheol to return to me and by that point, I'd started to get worried about him. Not that I usually worry about him or anything, but I supposed that he was probably under an enormous amount of stress. If I were in that situation, I'd just hope that someone would be worried about me too. I'm not really the best with emotions but I guessed that he would probably be struggling. As if Lunar New Year wasn't bad enough as it was, he had to deal with making everyone else's holiday period run smoothly, and that must've been difficult for him to have to deal with. I personally wouldn't have coped with that sort of thing. It was commendable that he was even able to keep on top of it like that.

But when he got back upstairs, there was very clearly something different. Something was wrong. It didn't feel like it was related to the delivery. He just seemed to be way too upset for that sort of thing. The look on his face was one of defeat; neutral but subtly pained. He made brief eye contact before diverting his gaze to the desk and locking his attention there. For a moment, I hesitated. I didn't know whether I should bring it up or not, but then he started to put his headset back on and moved to the back of the stockroom away from me without saying a word and I knew right away that something was definitely amiss. I made sure to clear all of the remaining picks on my headset as quickly as possible before going on a hunt for him and when I finally caught up to Seungcheol, he was resting his head on his arms in the back aisle.

"Seungcheol?" I asked as I moved closer. He jolted up until he was standing properly and apologised for how he must've appeared. I could hear the shakiness in his voice, and I couldn't help but ask about it. "Is everything okay?" I asked, making sure to show in my voice that I knew that something was wrong.

And suddenly he erupted. He spun around in hopes that I hadn't caught the crumbling of his expression and desperately wiped at his eyes with his sleeves. "Pause voice," I breathed into my headset before moving forward towards him. "Seungcheol, shhh. Come here." As much as I was expecting him to tell me to leave him alone or say that he was okay, he admitted defeat and turned back towards me so that I could pull him close. I wouldn't usually hug him - or any other man who was upset, for that matter - ubt this time was different. In that split second, I saw his crying face for the first time. His eyes were puffy and red underneath; his cheeks instantly stained with wet streaks. His lower lip was trembling as he moved in and hid his face in my shoulder, and I simply pulled his body as close to mine as possible. It was providing a sense of security and comfort; a sense of compassion and genuineness. As soon as his face was hidden, he began to sob. He could feel the shaking of his body against my own, despite his attempts to move his body away enough so that I couldn't feel them. I still held him despite it, though, allowing him enough space when he needed it but providing him with the support if he wanted it.

In that moment, it didn't matter that we didn't always see eye to eye. We were just two normal people in our normal shitty lives, trying to deal with the normality of human emotions. He stayed there for longer than I expected, pressing his face into my shoulder, but then eventually pulled away so that he could look into my eyes. I could see the hurt in his expression right away and it was absolutely crushing. "You should check whether you have picks," he told me, his voice only confirming his upset. "We don't want to keep the customers waiting." As much as I really didn't want to leave someone who was clearly not okay on their own at a time like that, I moved the microphone back near my mouth. "Resume voice." The headset repeated it back to me. "Okay," I said, and it informed me that it was checking for picks. "It's still checking. We have time," I told Seungcheol. "Would you like to tell me what's wrong?"

He took in a deep breath and apologised for having a meltdown like that. I promptly informed him that it's okay and everyone has moments like that sometimes. Emotions occasionally need to be let out and that's completely fine. "My nana is in hospital and they don't think she's going to make it," he quietly told me, "My parents had a tough time with money when I was a young child so she raised me for the first few years of my life. She's only in her sixties; I expected that she would be around a lot longer than this but apparently it's serious."

Putting aside the fact that calling her his 'nana' was incredibly attractive, I gave a sympathetic sigh. "Why don't you ask if you can go home early? I'm sure this counts as compassionate leave." For a moment, he seemed to be on board with the idea, but it quickly melted and he shook his head.  
"There's no one to cover for me over the next few hours. I have to stay here."  
"I'm sure we can manage," I told him, "There are two more managers downstairs, plus the head of the branch."  
"It's fine. I'll see her when I finish tonight."  
"And what time are you working until."  
"Ten o'clock. But it's fine; I'm sure the hospital will still let me in if I explain."

This wasn't your usual scenario. He wasn't your usual workaholic. Seungcheol was painfully stressed and I was certain that he should be snatching up the opportunity right away, especially since he'd just had a meltdown in front of me like that. "Please tell me why you can't leave early? We're barely at two o'clock; you shouldn't have to wait for eight more hours to see her." For a moment, he said nothing. He just stared at me with a guilty look in his eye.  
_"Six-two-oscar-papa,"_ my headset chanted. I gave a sigh before grabbing his wrist and dragging him in the direction of my pick.  
"I'm not leaving you alone until you give me a reason. You might be a team leader, but you don't understand the implications of this on everyone, not just yourself."

"I don't see how it would affect anyone else," he said as we dipped down into the halfway split between rows juliett and kilo. Once we hit aisle sixty-two, I led him straight down to the end where the item was. The description told me that it was an 'oak effect mirror'. I snatched up the box right away. 6234-5800.  
"It's a matter of principle," I told Seungcheol as we made our way over to the belt. "It's the reason why managers aren't supposed to come in when they're seriously ill either. If my mom was seriously ill and I had a meltdown at work over it, what would you say to me? Would you tell me to go home?"  
"But that's different. You're not in a managerial position."  
"That's my whole point. Now, imagine if something happened to Jihoon's parents then. Would you expect him to go home and be with his family?"

I put the mirror on the belt and sent it down before turning to face him. He honestly looked as if he was about to cry again, although he simply hung his head in shame. "I have my reasons, Jeonghan. You don't understand."  
"What don't I understand? I really think you need to get your priorities in place, Seungcheol. This is something that clearly means a lot to you but you're pushing it aside for some shitty job that's not going to do anything for you in the long-term. If they decide that they have too many managers, they could drop you in an instant. If they had too many people in at one time, they could just send you home. They don't really care for you as an individual and sacrificing what matters for their sake isn't going to--"  
"I can't afford it. I can't afford the time off."

For a moment, the entire world felt as if it came crashing down at once. Now, I'm not usually the sort of person to get upset over someone else's problems like that, but there was something different about this. He let the words flow from his lips like coffee; bitter and over-roasted and stinging the air with an acidic aftertaste. He could barely afford to pay his rent, nevermind pay his bills and get food. He was living on rice and dry noodles; foods that he could buy in bulk for a low price. He'd done his research into the psychology of food. If he ate three bland meals a day, his body would know that there was little food around and would stop him from getting hungry. It meant that he wouldn't need to worry about being unable to function on the bare minimum. For months, he'd been relying on overtime to pay his bills. He was several hundred thousand won in debt, and he had been relieved when he got his pay rise. It gave him an extra two thousand won an hour, and that usually gave him enough at the end of the month to take around ten thousand won off his debts.

In that moment, Choi Seungcheol had turned from an asshole to someone who was normal. A person who had commitments and struggles. A person who was putting his work before his family because he couldn't afford to do anything different. I took in a deep breath. I'd never really considered the reasons why he was always at work; I'd always just assumed that we were short on staff. He must've been at work for at least seventy hours a week every week. He only ever had one day off, and sometimes he didn't even take it. One time, I recall that he'd managed to slip under the radar and work twenty-six days straight without a break, until he got caught by the managers and was forced to take a day off. I'd never really thought about it in that sense before, but now it made sense. A snapshot of insight into another person's life was all it took, and my heart was putty for him.

 _"Four-eight-alpha-delta."_ I paused for a moment. It was the messy area of the stockroom where all of the curtain rails were kept and I definitely wasn't tall enough to reach it without getting a ladder.  
"Come with me," I said to Seungcheol, figuring that grabbing him again would be too impolite. The last thing I wanted to do was drag him around now that I'd found out about his situation. It was inevitable that I would end up judging the aspects of his figure whilst I was at it; the little details that I'd never really considered about his changing physique but the ones that were definitely there. The thinning of his cheeks that I'd always assumed was from him working his facial muscles. The way that his hair was growing particularly long and how it was starting to get into his eyes, after weeks of not having a haircut. The way that his thighs no longer filled his trousers, which I'd always guessed was a result of constantly moving about. The way that he was constantly pulling said trousers up and tightening his headset over his hips so that it served as a belt.

I climbed the ladder so that I could find the item. Thankfully, it was relatively near to the front and I had memorised what the item looked like from the description. We only had three tidy rails like that; one in silver, one in black and one in pink. 8752-6960 for the silver one in particular. "Seungcheol, you shouldn't have to put off seeing her because of that," I told him.  
"But I hardly have a choice becau--"  
"I'm going to pay you for the extra eight hours," I told him, "Give me your hourly wage and your bank details, and I'll send it over to you when I'm finished. I'm done in two hours so it won't take too long at all."

He looked absolutely distraught, almost offended. I've never seen a man look like that before. He quickly shook his head, although I started on my way over to the belt before he could begin with his protest. "I'm one of your managers. I'm not having you pay me when it's something I should've anticipated and adjusted to beforehand."  
"I don't know how you could've anticipated something like that happening but if you decide that you're not going to accept my proposal, I'm going to find out how much managers are paid from someone else and then I'm going to put the money into your locker whilst you're away. And I'm going straight to Sungsoo to tell him to send you home. You taught me how to do basic things like putting an item on a shelf properly and clocking in. Now I'm going to make sure that you do the basics for yourself too."

Seungcheol still tried to protest but I wasn't having any of it. I continued picking until my headset started to scan the system again, before handing him a sheet of paper to write his details down. "I know your bank card is in your phone case. You have until I finish these picks and then I'm calling Sungsoo. I live with my parents and don't have to pay rent, so all of my money is essentially for luxuries. This is the least I can do." And so I went about my business completing the picks. Another hot water dispenser. An iron. A pan set. A rice steamer. A collection of beauty products. Some baby toys. A house-moving set. Once it was all sent down to the shop floor, I went straight to the phone and called up the store manager to explain the situation to him. "Seungcheol is in need of compassionate leave right now. He received a message whilst he was on his break and so he needs to go home early today. He might not be in tomorrow either, depending on how everything goes, but I'm more than happy to pick up some of his responsibilities. Between my usual picks, I'll pick all of the home delivery items plus all of the stock transfers, and I'll also put away whatever deliveries are around."

He was granted permission to leave right away, but was asked to go down and discuss the problem with the store manager before leaving in order to check whether there was any way to support him. Whilst the job itself wouldn't do anything to look after him, the store manager certainly would. He was there to make sure that everyone was at their best, not only in their job but also in themselves. As he left, Seungcheol indignantly handed me a slip of paper, his eyes dropping down to his feet as he did so. "I'm sorry that this has to happen, but thank you." He scurried away, leaving me to the silence and vastness of the warehouse.

There were a few details that I had missed out, but the last thing I wanted was for Seungcheol to feel any more guilty about taking my money. I was saving up for my own place, which was why my parents weren't charging me rent, but he didn't need to know that. I'm a strong believer in the idea that a person needs to consider what matters the most. For me, it was respecting his dignity and encouraging him to spend time with the people who were important to him. For Seungcheol, it was dropping his sense of pride and accepting that sometime he couldn't be everyone's hero at once. He couldn't be there to support the other staff and work such long hours and be there to cover other people and the person who paid his rent on time and the person who was there for his family all at once. It was unrealistic and too much to put on himself.

Nevertheless, though, it was the starting point for an improved relationship between us. I slipped his details into my pocket and immediately transferred it to him when I was able to do so. I made sure to put a little bit extra in so that he could get a few meals whilst he was out, just so that he didn't have to worry about preparing food when he got back and so that his family wouldn't realise that he couldn't afford much.

He transferred one thousand won back into my bank account a few days later with the reference, "Thank you."


	2. Chapter 2

Seungcheol didn't come back into work until after the Lunar New Year. I spent most of the three-day holiday feeling worried about him, although I could hardly bring that up with anyone around me. What was I going to say to them, really? That one of my team leaders was in a bad place and I was concerned that something bad had happened to him? That I was overthinking someone else's problems? I wasn't really going to leave my family to overthink that; we all knew that they would take it the wrong way straight away, assuming that I was attracted to him or something. Which I certainly wasn't at that point in time, might I add. Whilst I did find some of his attributes attractive, I didn't really have an attraction to Seungcheol himself.

It was painfully difficult to make it through that time, seeing as I didn't really know how he would react if the worst happened. He didn't seem like the sort of person who would just give up, but you never know when it comes to colleagues. Those who seem as if they're going to be perfectly fine are the sort of people who react the worst to it. In those cases, everyone always says how they weren't expecting those sorts of extreme examples, but they probably never really knew what was happening deep down for the person in those sorts of scenarios. Perhaps they just couldn't handle it any longer. And I'd hardly blame them, to be honest. I wouldn't blame Seungcheol if he completely gave up after something like that. It would be understandable, I think. Something that I would probably do in that situation too.

And so, I was absolutely buzzing with desperation when I had my first shift after the New Year. I knew that he was going to be there. From what I'd heard, he'd moved his day off for the week to the day after his Nana went into hospital so that he wouldn't end up missing out on too much pay as a result. This week, he was going to be working thirteen days straight until his next day off. It was pretty extreme but I guess it was just one of those things that he needed to do to get by. Again, I could hardly blame him for it because I would almost certainly do the same thing if I was in his position. He probably didn't want to have to take more of my money, since it had seemingly taken a huge notch out of his confidence in the first place, so he would simply end up suffering over it. I didn't really like the thought of that, but there was nothing that I could really do.

Yet, when I saw him again, he looked well. His eyes were brighter than they had been the last time I saw him, and he didn't have any of the typical signs of low-mood that were often visible in a person's appearance. You know the sort; unclean nails, unshaven face, scruffy uniform, unwashed hair. It was the sort of thing that anyone else would associate with laziness or dirtiness, but I knew that it wasn't going to be the case this time. There was no way that Seungcheol wouldn't take pride in his appearance unless he was in a really bad place.

It was a relief, to say the least. I let out the breath that I'd been holding when I saw him, and offered up a smile, and he returned it fondly before quickly keying his staff number into the clocking machine by the door. He then started on his way towards our usual meeting room, where he took one of the empty seats. I was quick to join him once I'd tapped my own number into the machine, although I didn't sit directly next to him today. The last thing I wanted to do was make it obvious that something was different. I'm sure our colleagues would have noticed right away and there would've been a rumour going around the office that I was sexually attracted to Seungcheol. You know how it is; even though you're supposed to be grown adults, retail is filled with children who don't know how to behave themselves. There are always rumours flying around everywhere. Minseok secretly hates Doyoon and was glad that he left a few weeks ago. Wonwoo has been having a secret affair with Junhui; they're the two that seem least interested in the job, so obviously they have to be interested in each other. There's an unnerving amount of tension building between Jihoon and Soonyoung, and it's not clear whether they love each other or hate each other. Maybe it's both. We'll never know.

I didn't really want to be a part of those rumours today. You know how they spread; they're out there before you even have the chance to address them and then you're stuck in an awkward situation where you don't know what to do with yourself. You don't want to deny it too harshly because then it'll be fed back to the other person and you can really hurt their feelings. But then again, you don't really want to deny it too casually either. The last thing that you want to do is make it seem as if you're denying it for the sake of doing so. Who is that going ot help? No one, of course. There'll probably be another rumour about how you've been sleeping together but are trying to deny it. It's ridiculous, frankly. I don't think Seungcheo would be all that fond of it either, if I'm being completely honest. It would essentially be forced disclosure; he'd have to confess that the reason why I'm worried about him is that his Nana was in hospital, and then that would end up going around the workplace too. There's no winning as soon as that sort of thing is out there.

We didn't end up talking until we got into the swing of the day, actually. As always, he has things to sort out in the early mornings. He didn't really have the time to chat; he had a load of transfers to set up, damage cages to voice through, calls to other stores and the sorts. I had a load of fast-track moves to process before we even had any customers in, and then there was the huge rush of customers to deal with shortly after. With our store being closed for several days, everyone suddenly decided that they wanted to make their purchases soon after we opened. I'm sure they could have gradually come throughout the day; after all, surely it makes sense to come in when you know that the store isn't at peak time. But instead, we were faced with several big hoards throughout the day. No one at all on the shop floor, and then forty customers at once. Talk about annoying; I've never had to deal with something like that before in my life and I genuinely do hate it more than I could possibly describe. Customers are the bane of my existence sometimes and I just wish that some of them would go away so that I could relax for five minutes without worrying about the next big rush.

Anyway, it was almost midday when we finally had the chance to chat. Seungcheol came upstairs to do stock checks and make sure that any short-picks were processed. They were almost always on the shelves somewhere, but there was no way of telling exactly where they were. Sometimes it was just behind the items on the shelves. Sometimes someone had put them away somewhere completely different. A few weeks ago, I actually had a pretty interesting one, for example. Someone had supposedly put a Western-style double pushchair on a shelf that was barely four inches tall. Fifty-eight-delta-delta, if I can remember correctly. It was the last one in stock, so we could hardly just go around and collect another one so that the customer wasn't forced to wait for it. Where was it in the end? Fifty-seven-alpha-kilo. On the other side of the shelf. It wasn't even the _opposite_ shelf. That sort of thing really annoys me; no matter how many times the delivery staff are told to make sure that they're putting the stock away properly, they never do it right. They voice it into a random location without even checking whether the shelf is big enough for that item, and then they leave it somewhere else entirely. I've never wanted to throw things at a group of people so much in my entire life.

"Cheol," I called out to him as I started to make my way over. It was an affectionate pet name that I rarely ever used with him, but it was how the rest of the staff shortened his name for ease. I didn't really think that we were close enough for me to call him that for the most part, but I was feeling particularly warm towards him today. He hadn't argued with me over anything so far, and he didn't even have his usual bitter aura today. Instead, he was simply keeping to himself. He looked up when he heard me calling him, before giving a slight smile and turning back to the shelves.  
"Is something wrong? Do you have a missing item? If you give me just a moment, I'll finish off this check and come to help you find whatever you're looking for."

"It's nothing like that," I continued, feeling a tingle of embarrassment starting to attack my features. His mind was on work, yet mine was on more personal matters. There was nothing worse than having that sort of situation where you aren't quite on the same page as someone at work. It's fair enough if it's still the same sort of topic, but a difference this drastic left me considering whether I wanted to bring it up at all. Of course, though, now that I'd mentioned that it wasn't a missing item, I had to say _something_. I couldn't just leave it like that and act as if it didn't matter or something. "Actually, I was wondering whether you were okay. You look a lot better today."

The smile that met his face as I said that left me feeling confused, honestly. It was a lot weaker than the smiles that I'd seen so far that day, and I didn't really know how to feel about it. For a moment, I think his weakness came to the surface again. He let out a long sigh and ran a hand through his hair before continuing to check through the catalogue numbers that were printed on each item on the shelf. "She passed away a few hours after I arrived at the hospital. But at least I had the opportunity to say 'goodbye' to her. You know, she said that she was holding out to see whether I was able to leave work to come and see her. I'm..." Seungcheol trailed off for a moment before placing his pen and paper on the shelf. He stood straight up as he slowly turned to face me. Fondness played on his features, instead of the upset or hurt that I'd been anticipating. He took a few steps towards me before lifting his head so that he could look directly into my eyes. "I know this sounds ridiculous, but I really appreciate what you did for me. I can't begin to explain it. I want to get you something to make it up to you, but I don't know where I could even start with that sort of thing. I don't think we know each other well enough to be able to get gifts or anything, but maybe I could take you out for a drink after work or something."

I quickly shook my head without thinking about the implications of it. I know that he was my senior and it was rude to reject his request like that, but the first thing that came into mind was the monetary cost of going out for drinks together. He couldn't afford it and I knew that. I watched as his head dropped towards the floor in pure embarrassment, and then he bowed slightly to me as he muttered an apology. "That was too forward, and it probably sounded as if I was inviting you on a date or something, didn't it? I promise that I wasn't trying to hit on you or anything, but if there's anything that I can do to make it up to you, please let me know."  
"Wait," I said before he could turn away. "Seungcheol, I didn't mean it like that. I wouldn't _mind_ going for a drink with you or anything but I'm concerned that it would mean you'd have to work harder to pay your bills. It'd be at least another few hours of work for you to put in, and you already work--"  
"It's fine. Since we got paid over the New Year and I was given food by family and friends, I don't have to buy anything extra to eat this month. I can put that money into paying you back because I'd rather keep to paying off the minimum on my credit card for the moment so that they don't start to expect more every month."

My breath caught in my throat. I didn't really know what to say and for a moment, I was left in stunned silence. "Seungcheol, you don't have to pay me back," I said quietly, struggling to find the words in the process. It sounded almost mechanical as I said it; almost _forced_. He shook his head slowly, though, and gave an embarrassed laugh to match his embarrassed expression.  
"I want to pay you back but I know that you won't accept the money. I've overheard you discussing that sort of thing with other people in the past. Like when Chan was twenty thousand won short of his rent and you gave it to him, but then refused to take it back on payday. I know you'd just be awkward about it, so I'm not going to give you that option. That's why I wanted to take you out somewhere. But if drinks don't suit you, I could do dinner instead."

Now, I'm no expert when it comes to relationships. In fact, I'm pretty awful with that sort of thing. I don't know when someone is trying to flirt with me and when they're just being polite. That, though, sounded a lot like he was proposing a date. Typically, a person doesn't just ask their colleague out for dinner. Unless you're supposed to be going somewhere together as it is and you offer to get them something to eat, you just don't ask to take them to dinner. It's the sort of thing that would definitely raise the rumours about workplace relationships. I'm sure that that's not what he was aiming for, but I immediately felt my heart start to race in my chest. I'm sure that I got a sudden shot of adrenaline too; after all, I've never been asked to dinner so casually before. It was completely alien to me, but it was strangely beautiful. Normal, in fact. A smooth approach to dating that I've never really thought about before.

Of course, I had to reject him right away.

"Do you think it's appropriate for a team leader and his subordinate to go to dinner together?" I asked quietly as I started to subconsciously adjust my uniform. I was painfully aware of the fit for the moment. My trousers were a size too big and I'd forgotten to wear a belt with them. My shirt was loose around my waist because my hips were relatively big and any size smaller would leave it glued to my ass. My jacket was loose around the cuffs and when I wore my headset, it made it seem as if my stomach was bulging out. No one looked attractive in their work uniforms, but this one in particular made me look awful. Whether or not I actually wanted to go to dinner with him, I couldn't really take the request seriously when I looked like a mess. "People will talk," I added, just to make sure that he was aware of the wider issues surrounding his suggestion. Seungcheol simply rolled his eyes.  
"I'm not asking you on a date or anything, Jeonghan," he said, "You're complicating things too much. I don't feel as if I owe you sex because you let me see my Nana for the last time before she passed away. I'm feeling a sense of relief because I knew that she knew her time had come and she was peaceful when she went. I got to hold her hand for the last time, and I'm incredibly grateful for that. My inviting you out isn't because I feel like I need to pay you back, but rather because I _want_ to show my gratitude to you. Do you understand?"

I felt embarrassed, to say the least. It sounded as if I'd assumed that he was attracted to me, and it was the worst situation to be in. I gave an awkward simle as I pointed out that I'd ruined it but thankfully, Seungcheol shook his head instead of shaming me for it. "Do you think that drinks are a better idea, then? I live close to a university so there are constant student deals available and soju is incredibly cheap. We could even get around three or four bottles for the same price as soju around here."

I liked the idea of that. Even though it could easily get expensive, I knew that we would be done after just a few shots of the stuff that they sell in student areas. You'd think that they'd go for really watered-down stuff, but instead they bump up the alcohol content higher than normal. When people are drunk, they tend to go even more overboard. You can't get drunk twice, so you might as well just go all out. It's why some of the students around here have basically destroyed their insides already. Western influences effecting drinking habits too, I suppose. You can't watch a Western film without some sort of smoking, alcoholism or cursing. It's sort of becoming the norm, especially with students trying to broaden their horizons and learn other languages through media immersion. You might not be able to drop everything you're doing and go to America for a month, but you can sure as hell go onto YouTube, find a Western film, and add subtitles so that you can make links between the language used and the Korean equivalent when it's used in a sentence.

So I ended up agreeing. He said that he'd give me some time after my shift to get ready to go, if I'd like, and then we'd go out shortly after. He already had something to change into at work, since he'd been anticipating our time together, but he was due to stay a little later than me anyway. By the time I'd gone home, showered and changed into something appropriate to go out somewhere together, he would have finished his shift and would be able to meet me on the way home. We would walk there together, maybe chatting along the way, and would have a few drinks before parting ways.

As he said that, I couldn't help but make a joke about what would happen if I was too drunk to walk home after he'd filled me full of alcohol. I knew that he wasn't planning on drinking too much, since the rota list on the wall downstairs said that he was working tomorrow. I just wanted to see whether he'd be the sort of guy to leave me to make my way home if that was the case. He seemed to mull it over for a moment before turning his attention back to me again. "I'd be more than happy to walk you home but now that I'm thinking about it, it would be just as easy to take you back to my place, wouldn't it? I have some space and at least that way, if you have a hangover in the morning, I can still wake you with plenty of time to get to work. I doubt your parents would want to wake you up, would they?" It was actually a pretty fair point, even if the red flares were already preparing to go off inside my head. Of course, they weren't telling me that he was going to do something bad or anything; just that it would look a bit dodgy if anyone caught us going to work together the following morning. I'm sure that it would end up raising some eyebrows but then again, so did everything else. That was the reality of an adult world; everyone was there to pass judgement on innocent things.

 _"Four-three-golf-quebec."_ I gave a sigh before informing him that I had to go, and Seungcheol simply turned back to his work so that he could let me get on with what I had to do. I made a beeline straight for the item as I called out for a description. "Somang double pack." Thankfully, it was actually useful this time. I've had a lot of them lately where I couldn't understand a word that was being said. It's painfully annoying, and there's basically no way to get around it. I simply have to check every item in order to see whether it's the one I need. Today, it was a lot easier than I could have possible anticipated. I simply snatched up the familiar box and turned it to where the bright yellow sticker was placed. 4539-5254. Then another item came through on the headset. And another. And another after that. We were back to having a steady flow that would stop me from being able to chat with Seungcheol anymore. For now, I simply had to do my job and keep to myself whilst he did his, and I only had the chance to relax again when I received a call from the main stock room to say that my colleague, Minghao, was coming upstairs to cover me whilst I went on my break.

Now, I usually had a bit of a plan when it came to my breaks. I would turn my music on and sit on the stool in front of the radiator. I would start out by checking all of my social media accounts and answering any messages that I've received. I'd then check my emails and bank account, just to make sure that everything is in working order, before checking my games apps. They're the sort that everyone has but they're too embarrassed to talk about them. The ones where you have to wait for a certain amount of time until your energy is recharged and then you can play again. There's one I'm a bit addicted to at the moment; one that my older sister introduced to me. It's a relatively feminine game and it seems pretty childish, but the cute graphics and the style of the game have me captivated. I simply turn my body so that the screen is hidden from anyone who comes into the staff room, and I play away until my character's energy levels are low enough that I'm still a few points away from her maximum stamina by the time I finish my shift.

Today, though, I had much more important things to do. I had to choose something to wear tonight and let my parents know that I'd be out. As much as choosing appropriate attire seemed to be a bit of a difficult task, I was actually a bit more concerned about the fact that I needed to tell my family about the invitation. It was something that they'd certainly ask about.

I'd come out to my parents quite a long time ago. Almost nine years ago, actually. My fourteenth birthday had been approaching quickly, and so I decided to blurt it out to them in the middle of a family dinner. My sister already knew but hadn't expected it; she dropped her chopsticks so dramatically that they ended up falling off the table. My parents, on the other hand, seemed completely distraught to start with. They'd expected that when my friend from school had mentioned a girl who was interested in me, I'd probably like her back, but then I dropped that bombshell on them and they didn't know how to handle it. They tried their hardest to seem supportive right from the start but I knew that it hit them hard. They didn't know what to make of it. I don't know what I _expected_ them to make of it, though. It was something that I hadn't really planned out and I certainly didn't know any other guys who had come out to compare my experience with those of the people around me. I'd just sort of assumed that they would be okay with it right away because that was how I would react if my child came out.

They're a lot better with it nowadays. Funnily enough, my dad is the best when it comes to my very obvious homosexuality. He's never told me to calm it down or anything; never put me down by telling me that I'm 'too' gay or that I'm embarrassing when we're out in public together. In fact, he's even gone up to guys and asked them if they're gay on my behalf. I distinctly recall one situation in which he followed a guy around the grocery store for me, before promptly asking him if he thought I was cute. The guy looked really confused for a moment as he peeked around my dad and saw me standing there nervously, and he promptly broke into a smimle as he admitted that yes, he found me cute. My dad was essentially responsible for helping me to lose my virginity because of that day; although the relationship didn't last, we had some great times and only broke up because he went to university and I didn't want to tie him down by limiting his experience. I'd get back with him in a heartbeat, in all honesty.

Anyway, the point of this is that they would assume that I was dating if I told them that I'm going out with a guy from work. Goning out for drinks with another person is completely innocent but they'd assume that I'm into him and he's equally attracted in return. They wouldn't accept 'no' for an answer and I'd get home to find out that they've told half of the country that I'm seeing someone from work. It's pretty annoying, really. I get that they want to be supportive and that in some cases, guys do call their romantic interests a 'friend from [work, college, university, the local coffee shop, a party...]'. But that's not me. I would tell them if I was romantically interested in him. I'm not one of those guys who is too nervous to confess to the parents that already know I'm gay that I'm dating another man because honestly, I'm twenty-two years old and they're probably expecting it by this point. Of _course_ I'm going to start thinking about my relationship at some point. I'm an adult. I think about marriage sometimes, about boys I'm interested in, about how it feels to kiss another person and the giddy feeling in my chest when a handsome guy smiles at me and how great it would feel to have sex with the next man who offered. It's my own business, though. Not theirs.

In the end, I realised that I'd spent most of my break putting it off. There were only going to be more questions if I arrived home and announced that I was going out for the night. I don't think they'd let me leave if I was to try and pull a fast one on them like that. So I did what made the most sense at the time. I simply my mom a text to announce that I wasn't going to be present for dinner because a colleague had invited me for drinks and there was a chance that I was going to be staying at his house for the night, so she didn't need to wait up for me to get home. I promptly switched my phone off, took it straight back to my locker and stuffed it inside, then made my way back upstairs to get my headset back on before I could go back to my phone and wait nervously for the storm that was inevitably going to be brewing within a few minutes. Mothers have a way of knowing to check their phones right away when you send a message like that.

And so, I got back to work. "Please say your staff number."  
"Seven-five-four-four-zero-three-six."  
"Staff number seven-five-four-four-zero-three-six. Yoon Jeong Han. Please type your staff code into your headset." I pressed the buttons one by one. Eight-nine-eight-eight. Part of my original student identification number for exams when I was in school.  
"Preparing to calibrate. Stay silent." Three seconds passed in complete silence. "Say one."  
"One."  
"Say two."  
"Two."  
"Say three."  
"Three."  
"System calibrated. Select your menu item."

From there, I was straight back into it. Picks came through right away. I helped Minghao to clear all of the picks that were coming through until our headsets started to search the system again, and then promptly sent him on his way to start his own break. He was the last person in who would get a break, since he arrived at midday whilst the rest of us were in at nine or ten o'clock. I felt sorry for the kid; from seven o'clock until nine o'clock, he would be picking stock from both floors on his own. I, on the other hand, would be on my way home to get ready for my evening with Choi Seungcheol.


	3. Chapter 3

I don't know why I spent so long making sure that I looked absolutely perfect for Seungcheol, but I couldn't help myself. Every time I thought I'd picked out something nice to wear, I realised that it looked like complete and utter trash. I had to change right away.

By the time I left the house, I was running late and had a pile of clothes on my bed to put away when I arrived home the following day. I ended up having to call my workplace best friend, Jisoo, so that he could give me something to wear. Thankfully, he had a red jumper that he let me borrow, and I made sure to swap it with him on the way over. It was a short exchange and he didn't ask any questions about who I was supposed to be meeting, which I appreciated a lot. We'd end up discussing it at work next time we were both in anyway.

Although we've only been good friends for around six or seven months, my relationship with Jisoo is unmatched with anyone else, both in and out of work. He knows absolutely everything about me, from the details of my childhood to my relationships to my feelings towards our colleagues. He was the first person to know about my disfavour towards Seungcheol, and he was always going to be the first person I told if anything changed. A lot of people at work were generally quite neutral towards him, I think. They wouldn't really go out of their way to get to know him, and they never really got to know him as an individual. It probably wasn't helped by the fact that he's a practising Christian and has been for his entire life. The issue is that everyone assumes that it'd mean that he's uptight and prepared to push his religion onto other people. It couldn't be further from the truth.

In fact, Jisoo is probably one of the most non-judgemental people I've met in my life. He knows that I'm not religious and that doesn't bother him in the slightest. He knows that I was fifteen when I offered up my first time to a guy and that I'd explored as many "sinful" crevices of life already - drinking, smoking, and the sorts. I've tried these things in controlled environments because whilst they're unfavourable and all, you always have an innate curiosity if you never experience those things. The thing is, though, Jisoo confessed to doing this too. It's not my place to say exactly what he's explored, obviously, but some of those things are far from what you'd expect from your typical church boy.

When he handed that jumper to me, I could see that devilish tint in his eye. He knew exactly what was going to come up and he didn't even need to ask me if he could know the details. We would share it over a mug of green tea once the morning pre-moves were out of the way. He was just below the team leaders - having the experience but not the title - so as long as we remained self-sufficient upstairs, there would be no issues with us chatting about it. I made sure to thank him as he took my t-shirt into his house and then scurried off to meet Seungcheol without another word.

The first thing I noticed when I met Seungcheol was that seeing him in normal clothes was an alien experience. I'd never really seen him out of his uniform before and I didn't know how I feel about it. Granted, that normality suited him well and the sight of him made my heart beat slightly faster, but I didn't really want to let him know that. Not only because I didn't want to make things awkward, but also because I felt like I'd put in an incredible amount of effort, only to be beaten by something as simple as jeans, a white t-shirt, a light summer jacket, and some high-top trainers.

Of course, I grew shy as soon as I made my way over to him - a mirror of his initial expression. The nervousness that had plagued his features was completely gone when it was clear that I hadn't stood him up, and suddenly he stood from the bench to make it obvious that he'd seen me. "Jeonghan," he called out when we were almost close enough to touch. "I realised once I'd locked up the front door that I don't have your phone number or anything. I considered going back in and writing it down from the book in the office, but I guessed that you might leave if you noticed that I wasn't here." His arms twitched slightly to either side, as if he was hoping to hug me, and so I simply took the plunge by stepping into his personal space and mirroring the motion. It felt somewhat uncomfortable to be getting that close to a man who I wasn't romantically involved with, but the hug was a sign of mutual appreciation that I just couldn't ignore.

When he hugged me, my nose filled with the scent of cologne. It was strong without being overwhelming, suggesting that he'd tried to freshen up before we met. It wasn't as if he really needed to - after all, it was just a well-known fact that being in the warehouse meant getting dirty - but I did appreciate the fact that he put in a bit of effort nonetheless.

Once we'd parted, we started on our way towards his house. He apologised for the fact that it was a bit of a walk to that part of the city but made sure to point out that it was scenic. The darkening sky was filled with the glowing lights of the buildings along the way, and it was relatively peaceful in general. I'd never really had that much appreciation for how far he had to travel for work every day until that point, but he swore that it wasn't too bad in reality. The cool morning air woke him up, and the walk home allowed him to calm his nerves. Being around customers and having to deal with so many issues in general made him stressed, he said, and so it was nice to have that bit of time away from it to prepare himself for his next shift.

It was sad to hear that he was essentially living to work. That comment stayed with me for quite a while, even when we found our way into a small eatery. It was relatively cheap there and out of the way, and even though I'd said to Seungcheol that getting food together would be too much, he confessed that he hadn't eaten anything in almost twenty-four hours, so I wasn't going to argue with him over it. He didn't have the chance to eat at work, so I was more than happy to brush it to one side so that he could get something. He got some chicken and I got fries, and then we both ordered soju. It came to less than 10,000W and we had a generous serving. Seungcheol made sure to offer me some of the chicken and whilst initially I rejected his offer, it looked too good to reject a second time.

"So," he started after he'd eaten his first chicken wing. I noted that his fingers were slightly moist, even after he wiped them on a napkin. "Am I allowed to ask some questions to get to know you better? We've never really had the chance to talk properly - at least not since we started working together."  
"Perhaps we can go back and forth with interesting questions?" I suggested. Small talk is one thing that I'm certainly not fond of exchanging. I find it relatively awkward, and it either sounds too much like the other person is only interest on a superficial level, or it progresses as if you're best friends or something.

Thankfully, Seungcheol broke into a smile. "What sort of questions are we talking about here?" he asked.  
"Would you like me to start, then?" I asked. The nod of approval came immediately. "If you could have anyone as a dinner guest, who would you choose?" He clearly thought it through, making sure to draw out his thinking time a little bit longer by taking a shot of soju. It was obvious when he'd found his answer, though, as his face suddenly lit up with happiness and he made direct eye contact.  
"There's a homeless man who lives near to my local supermarket. If I have anything left over once I've finished getting groceries, I make sure to give it to him. But I guess without having anything like hot water or an oven, his food choices are relatively limited. I'd like to give him something hot to eat and maybe then he can use my shower too because we have to look out for each other."

It was such a thoughtful answer that I immediately felt my chest tighten. I'd expected that the questions would have gradually developed as time went on but he'd shown right away that despite the asshole-ish attitude that he'd shown me at work, he did have a kind heart. My words came out croaky and quiet when I told him that it sounded really sweet, and he immediately grew embarrassed as he told me that it sounded stupid when he said it out loud. Then he moved onto his question for me so that we were forced to move on from the thought of him being sweet. "What do you actually dream of doing in life?"

The question threw me off. It wasn't something that I'd ever really considered properly, if I was being honest. I'd not attended university, in favour of simply getting a job and moving somewhere else eventually, but the more I thought about it, the more it was necessary to get some form of qualification. In a world where so many people had either professional of higher educational qualifications, I needed something to be able to get out of this retail job. But it wasn't really that simple. When I was working so many hours, I didn't really have time to search for jobs. A lot of places wouldn't even consider me anyway because I was already in full-time employment as it was, so I wouldn't be able to start working with them immediately.

"It sounds ridiculous but since I can't really afford to not work anymore, which would cause issues if I wanted to study, I think the only thing I'd really consider is entertainment. I like singing and dancing, and I suppose that's all I really have time for nowadays."  
"Would you sing for me some time?" Seungcheol asked without missing a beat.  
"It's not your turn to ask a question," I replied, knowing that he wouldn't waste his question on that next time either. "If you were a superhero, what would you want your power to be?"

"Manipulating probability," he said without missing a beat. It was an interesting one; to start with, he didn't seem as if he was going to elaborate, but he eventually did so when he noticed the confusion in my expression. He explained that it meant having the power to do absolutely anything, and how everything came down to probability in the end. Whilst his background in martial arts gave him a good starting point for kicking ass, it wasn't necessarily going to work that well if he had three people jump him with knives. The probability of him making it out alive? Ten percent? He could make that one-hundred percent. Likewise, he could use it in other aspects of life too. What was the chance that the hijacked train would hit the car on the level crossing? Zero percent. What was the chance that falling from the forty-second floor of a building would kill that innocent man? Zero percent. The possibilities were endless.

As expected, Seungcheol didn't bother to ask me about the singing again. Instead, he decided to ask about something entirely different; what my happiest moment was. That was something I'd not expected again. There were a number of happy moments in my life, each with different levels of intensity. Some events would have seemed like the best moment ever at the time, but that wouldn't necessarily be the case when I stepped back and thought about them. And then there were certain moments that seemed too cliche. My first kiss, for example, was an amazing moment because it alleviated all of the stress that I'd been feeling at the time and confirmed to me that yes, I was interested in men and the feelings I had weren't wrong. It was an empowering moment, but it wasn't really right for this conversation.

"I helped my family's cat to give birth when I was twelve and my parents were out," I offered in place of that memory, "The look of trust in her eyes as she let me help her is something I'll never forget. She let me hold them without getting too nervous, and she even brought them into my room as her safe place, knowing that I'd be there to take care of them all." We spent a moment in silence. Seungcheol gazed at me with a warmth in his eyes - one that I'd never really seen on him before. He seemed to be happy after hearing my story, and I liked that. It created a relaxed atmosphere between us, although I naturally had to destroy that right away with my next question - "What's the worst thing you've done whilst drunk?"

The warmth was immediately swapped for amusement. Seemingly, his answer came to mind straight away; his head dropped down towards the table in shame and his lips were touched with a smirk. "I... uh... I got a piercing," he told me, making sure to avoid eye contact.  
"Care to elaborate?" I asked, and he dared a playful glance up at me.  
"It's not your turn to ask a question." Fair enough, I guessed. I'd pulled that on him too. Although instead of asking the question in return, he simply leaned towards me and dropped his voice. "It's a genital piercing. I lost a bet with some guys at work and had to get it."

Now, _that_ was a game changer. I was certainly interested to hear more about that, although Seungcheol quickly told me to finish my drink so that we could walk and talk. The last thing he wanted to discuss in a restaurant was his genitals, especially when there was only one other group there at the time. I snatched up the bottle and tossed the last quarter down, showing off my need to hear more information. Seungcheol seemed impressed by how desperate I was to find out more, and so he finished his drink too before paying the bill and leading me out into the night again.

"You have to spill it now," I told him firmly, wrapping a hand around his arm as we started to walk. I could tell that the memory was a fond one from the way that he was smirking, and that was a good sign that I would get the information that I craved from him.  
"I was out with Jisoo and a few guys who used to work with us around four years ago. Jisoo doesn't drink because he doesn't like the taste of alcohol, which is fair enough, but the other five guys we were out with were just making excuses to be boring. So I bet them that they wouldn't all be able to get someone's phone number by the end of the night. Of course, they all got phone numbers to prove me wrong, and my forfeit was to get a piercing. It was Jisoo's suggestion, too."

I couldn't help but feel even more curious. I'd never really considered how devious Jisoo could be, but this was opening up windows for me. I wanted nothing more than to know every single detail, although obviously I wasn't going to be able to find out every bit of information about it.

Thankfully, though, Seungcheol seemed to catch on to the fact that I craved information. "I actually took the piercing out for the first time a few weeks ago. Decided that I was ready to part with it after four years. Did you want to see a photo of it or something?" I was surprised that he offered, but I must have been giving that sort of vibe from the way that I was responding to his comments about it. Admittedly, finding a guy who was comfortable enough with his body to show his colleagues what his junk looked like was strangely sexy; I'd never really thought that I'd find someone else who saw nudity as an aspect of life without embarrassment, but I'm certainly glad to have done so.

He waited until we were in the bar to show me. We had our soju again, as not to mix drinks, and then we made our way into the corner. Seungcheol's phone was straight out and he brought up a photo, although he immediately tucked it close to his chest before I could see it. "I don't want you to judge me for the awkward nudes I'm about to show you, but I'm sure you can appreciate that it's the only way you can see it." I gave a nod and promised that I wouldn't judge him, since everyone has taken some form of explicit photos in their time and it's not something that he needed to feel embarrassed about, and so he slowly passed me his phone.

For a naked photo, it was strangely attractive. His head was angled so that only his jaw was in the shot, and then the rest of the image was filled up with everything up to his mid-thighs. He had a well-built body; muscles that weren't too large but were still there, dark nipples placed perfectly on defined pecs and a toned stomach. He had some hair below his navel, trailing all the way down and then spreading towards his thighs, although this was partially hidden by the swollen length that demanded my attention immediately. 

I've seen some genitals in my time, but I found Seungcheol's to be on the more attractive side, in comparison to others I've come in contact with. It had a slightly reddish tint, as a result of his arousal, and it seemed like it would be the perfect length for pleasure without the need for too much preparation. It reached around two or three inches below his navel and had a single engorged vein sticking out near the tip. Then, just above the vein, he had the piercing. It was a long silver bar with a silver ball on either side, and it looked strangely sexy against his skin. It gave Seungcheol a daring edge, if nothing else.

I made sure to tell him that. "It's surprising how much it suits you," I said, fighting the urge to ask him more about it, but he quickly caught on and pressed a hand to my arm.  
"I'm guessing you're wondering how sex goes down when you have a piercing, hm?" I admitted that I hadn't really expected him to tell me those sorts of details, but he shrugged and told me that the soju was helping him to unwind. He was a relatively open person when he was relaxed, so it was no bother for him. "It's one of the reasons why I took it out; sometimes it snagged on condoms and broke them, sometimes it would cause pain for them."

I couldn't help but feel the slightest bit disappointed. Part of me had always wanted to feel a man with a piercing before - out of curiosity or something else entirely - although I could hardly admit that to him. That niggling part stayed with me, daring me to ask if he could put it back in; daring me to ask if I could feel it against my tongue when we got back to his place. It wasn't really going to be an issue, as far as I was concerned. If we did that whilst we were drunk, it wouldn't even matter by the time we got to the next morning. We could pretend that it had never happened, and if we're both convinced that it's a fantasy, it wouldn't affect anything between us. My entire body started to tingle with desire, urging me to kiss him hard and move into his lap as I expressed how ready I was for some sort of fling. I licked my lips as I let my eyes drift up and down his body, and then deliberately lifted my bottle to my lips to hint what I wanted from him.

I have no other memories of the time between that last shot and waking up the following morning. The soju hit all at once, as it often does, and I completely blacked out until I could feel the light of the world against my eyelids.

The first thing I realised, as I began to wake up, was that I couldn't move my legs. My immediate thought was that sleep paralysis had set in and so I panicked. The natural response to that was to start thrashing about and trying to call out for help, even though I knew that that was probably the worst way to handle the situation. Instead of confirming that it had set in, however, I heard my own voice croak out a cry of help out loud, and then a soft grunt from someone else.

My eyes snapped open, and suddenly I realised that I didn't know where I was. It was a surreal situation; I hadn't even realised that my eyes were still closed, but they still felt heavy as they opened. A head slowly appeared in my field of vision, looking slightly dazed and disorientated. It was Seungcheol, I realised after just a second. He looked up at me with confusion on his face, as if he didn't understand why I was getting so flustered.

His morning face was probably the most normal thing that I'd seen of Seungcheol up until that point. His undereye bags made his eyes look as if they were bulging out more than usual. His hair was all over the place with several cowlicks sticking up, and his chin was already covered in stubble. I could feel it running against my bare chest as he lifted his head up, leaving my skin with an uncomfortable tickling sensation. "Are you okay?" he asked. His voice sounded rough, making his grogginess even more obvious. One hand reached up to wipe the inner corners of his eyes, and then he reached up to brush my hair away from my face.

As I felt the slightest brush of skin against skin, I became painfully aware of the fact that we were both completely naked. I could feel the warmth of the area directly between his thighs against my leg, and the fact that my own nether regions were pressed against his stomach. That was the focus of my attention, frankly; I wouldn't have cared less if we were wearing boxers and nothing else, since at least that way there would be a fabric barrier between us, but there was absolutely nothing to stop our bodies from mixing. It left my skin crawling as I guessed what must have happened the previous night when we got in from our night out. I didn't really like Seungcheol enough to be able to handle any commitment that he would desire following that sort of affair, and I certainly didn't want to have to find out that unprotected sex had left me needing to worry about any infections that he might have passed to me.

"Did we have sex last night?" I asked him straight out, not really wanting to have to guess. His lips twitched into a sheepish smile and I felt my stomach sink.  
"How bothered would you be if we _did_ mess around? You seemed to be pretty interested when you saw that photo of me." I couldn't answer. The last thing either of us needed was for accusations of uncleanliness to start flying, since it would almost certainly cause offence somewhere along the line. Instead, I stared at him expectantly, hoping more than anything that he'd just tell me right away whether we'd gone ahead with it or not.

And then he let out an awkward laugh. "No, I'm kidding. Don't worry; we had a shower together because you vomited on both of us just outside the front door. I washed our clothes and took you straight through to the bathroom for a shower and you told me that you wanted to thank me for taking care of you by riding me until I break. So I told you that we'd have to wait until you were sober so that you could tell me whether you genuinely wanted to mess around or whether it was just the alcohol talking." My breath hitched.   
"I didn't mean that," I told him, "We have a professional working relationship, and I don't want to ruin that by sleeping with you."

He let out a hum of acknowledgement, although the smirk that met his lips was telling me otherwise. "What else did I say to you?" I asked, knowing straight away that it was something I'd be embarrassed about. To start with, he tried to dismiss me, but that changed as soon as he noticed the pure discomfort on my face.  
"Whilst we were in the bar, you said that you didn't care about our working relationship because a blowjob doesn't mean anything."

I could have cried. In fact, I distinctly remember having to fight back the urge to throw myself out of his bedroom window and roll away into the distance so that I could wait for my inevitable death. I hadn't really banked on Seungcheol remembering what had gone down between us, and I didn't really _want_ to think of how badly things would end for us at work as a result. Between vomiting on one of my managers and offering to go down on him, I was absolutely certain that I'd obliterated any chances I had of being able to continue working there. I was going to have to search for a new job and move on as quickly as possible, and I would just have to come up with some elaborate lie if they asked me why I was hoping to leave this workplace. At least if I was somewhere else, I could simply refuse to go out with anyone at work so that I would never risk that happening again.

Instead of teasing me further, though, Seungcheol reached up to stroke my cheek. His voice was gentle as he spoke. "Hey, don't worry about it. I absolutely agree that blowjobs don't mean anything." He propped himself up on one elbow before abruptly changing the topic. "Have you ever noticed how handsome you look in the morning, by the way?" he asked - probably to take my mind off everything - and then he moved that one hand up further to brush my hair away from my face again. "It's been a long time since I've woken up next to someone, and I'm thankful that you're the person to break that chain. And looking so handsome with your morning face too - it's a treat." He gave a genuine smile and craned his neck up, as if he was considering whether to kiss me or not. I stayed exactly where I was; the comment was seeming more and more like an attempt to turn me to mush so that I forgot about my concerns, and it had successfully done so. Yet, Seungcheol had never really struck me as the sort of guy who would start flirting like that, especially not when he'd showed absolutely no romantic interest in me whatsoever beforehand. Suddenly I didn't know what to do with myself.

Perhaps I'd said or done something more whilst we were out together - something that would suggest to him that I was interested in him. Maybe I'd asked to kiss him or told him that I had feelings for him or something. It was actually rather hard to believe that I _hadn't_ done anything like that. In the time that I'd been at work, I'd never once seen Seungcheol flirting with someone. Not colleagues, not customers; most of the time, he hardly cracked a smile. And then there was our tense relationship too. It wasn't even as if it was inobvious to him. He certainly wasn't oblivious to the fact that we weren't that close and that there was some tension between us. It didn't make sense for him to be like that unless I'd done something to suggest that I was attracted to him. That was something that I wouldn't be bringing up, though, _ever_. I didn't _want_ to know this time.

Seungcheol promptly pulled himself out of the bed and started on his way across the room. He was radiating an aura of confidence - an aura that was void of cockiness - and I couldn't help but stare between his thighs as he did so. Actually, that part _was_ full of cockiness, I suppose. I'm not usually the sort of person who would have his eyes glued on a man's body like that, but I couldn't help myself this time. As much as I could tell myself that I didn't find him attractive, I was instantly drawn to him. But there's a difference between wanting someone and finding them aesthetically pleasing. That's something that you need to keep in mind when I discuss my early experiences with Seungcheol.

"Do you want to get ready for work?" he eventually asked without bothering to turn back to face me. "You brought your uniform along, right? We have to leave in around twenty minutes." I immediately sat up in the bed and gave a hum, making an effort to search around for my bag. "It's by the dresser," he said, temporarily turning to point it out. My eyes were between his thighs again for just a moment, and I mentally cursed as I dragged them away in order to look where he was pointing.  
"Thank you," I breathed, and he gave another glance over to me in order to check what was wrong.  
"Eyes up here, Jeonghan," he replied playfully before flashing me a playful smile and turning away from me again.

I knew right away that it was going to be a really long day at work, especially if Seungcheol's naked body was on my mind. It wasn't an attraction to him as a person, but just his body. At least, that was what I told myself at the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a little while since I last posted but I have only one assignment left and two exams, so I'll be getting regular again soon enough!!
> 
> It's all planned out now, though, so you have around 170,000 words of JeongCheol to look forward to in the future
> 
> Thank you for your patience!!


	4. Chapter 4

Seungcheol's lips grazed my neck from behind as I tried to tidy the shelf in front of me. The last thing I wanted to do was come into work and mess around with someone, but he was teasing me with the warmth of his mouth against exposed flesh. I wanted nothing more than to ravish him; tear off his clothes in the middle of the warehouse and strip us both of the sexual tension that had started looming as soon as I saw him naked. I couldn't even try to hold back the noises that threatened to escape my throat as his hands ran over my body. Fingers paused as they brushed against my thigh, and then his lips moved closer to my ear. "Do you know how much I want you?" he asked, his voice laced with a husky undertone. I swallowed.  
"As much as I want you?" He responded by pressing himself against me so that I could feel him stiffening in his trousers. My eyes rolled back as I felt it directly against my body. Even through clothes, I could feel the warmth radiating from it, and I loved that.  
"I want to make you mine, Jeonghan."

 _"Jeonghan."_ I instantly snapped from my daydream as I heard the hiss of my name. Thankfully, I knew that I hadn't _quite_ hit the point where I was starting to stiffen, as Daydream Seungcheol had done, and so I was safe to face him as he started on his way over.  
"Is everything okay?"  
"You have over fifteen picks up here. Have you not been checking your headset?" He didn't seem annoyed, thankfully, but his eyebrows were knitted together in concern. I took in a deep breath as I bit my lower lip.  
"Sorry, I was trying to pick off one of the transfer labels and I must've gotten distracted."  
He gazed at me in silence for a moment, his expression softer than it would have been before the New Year. "I'll join you on picks and help you to clear them, okay?" I gave a nod.

And so we began. I started to search around the stock room for each item, having gotten to the point where I was so confident in my ability to find things that each movement was fluid. I was able to put most small items on the belt without even stopping my flow before moving on to the next item. I was even able to get items onto the belt without stopping it. Grab a slat, hold the item against it, press it down. If the people on the shop floor weren't quick enough at clearing the belt, I simply pushed the items with as much force as possible so that it got as close to the bottom as I could manage. For the most part, I could get the item with a simple description and have it in hand within seconds. If the description was poor - as it often was - I was still able to guess the item that I was searching for, and nine times out of ten I was correct. By the time the number had been read out to me, I had the item in hand and was already on my way over to the belt. The big issue was that as we picked, more items were being added to the list. It felt almost never-ending; we'd be close to clearing the screen and then suddenly someone would order five duvets and we'd be set back again. By the time we'd found those duvets, which were usually on the top shelf and required us to find a ladder first, we were in a position where we'd be left with hundreds of other picks. Well, not quite _hundreds_ but it would give the opportunity for a number of other picks to come up in the meantime.

Seungcheol was doing the exact same as I did with no issues whatsoever. We were matched on speed and he seemed to find the items with no difficulty whatsoever, even though he wasn't usually on picks nowadays. More often than not, the only picking he would do was for home delivery and stock transfer, which didn't really require speed. I was impressed, to say the least; he picked just as many items as I did, and after around twenty minutes of back-on-back picks, I finally heard those wonderful words in my right ear - "Checking for new picks."

At that point, I let out a long breath, having not realised how much tension I had been holding in my body up until that point. I started to wander over to the computer in the centre of the stock room to check that I'd done everything that I could possibly do, and it gave me the exact same answer as the headset; my work was done for the moment. The rush had finished and my colleagues were simply handing out the items downstairs. I watched them doing so for a minute on the screen above the computer. Then, the words I really wanted to hear came. "No picks available. Are you still in upper stock room?"  
"Yes," I told the headset, and so it began to search for picks again.

"Jeonghan?" Seungcheol called from across the stockroom. I turned in the general direction of his voice and his head suddenly poked out from the end of aisle sixty-one. "Have all of your picks been cleared now?" he asked. I gave a nod. "I need to go and set up the transfers for this evening. Jihoon just text me to ask if I could go downstairs and set up the transfers because apparently, the Jung-gu store already has sixty-three item requests sent over and they haven't even finalised it yet." I winced. That was essentially his way of telling me that we would be picking the Jung-gu picks upstairs shortly. There was no way that one person would be able to do that alone.

"I'll be fine to continue doing the picks up here for the moment, don't worry," I told him as I refreshed the warehouse stock checker on the computer again. It was mostly to make the point that I was going to be on top of it from that point onwards. Seungcheol simply smiled at me.  
"Could you do me a huge favour as well, please? I'll reward you by bringing you a drink up when I'm finished setting everything up, if you'd like." I gave a hum to urge him to tell me. "Would you mind starting the home delivery picks please? I've left some trolleys up here so that you can transport it all around easier, but it's quickly building up and I'm concerned that there's not going to be enough time for the drivers to pick it all when they get here."

"How many are there?"  
"Thirty up here. I'll get Jungjoon to do them downstairs so you don't need to worry about those." Again, I gave a hum, although this time it was a lot less happy. He took note of that and immediately moved towards me with an apologetic smile, "I'll bring you coffee. Some of that good stuff that you usually hide in the bottom cupboard. I'll make sure to hide it again when I've finished and tell everyone that we've run out of it if they ask questions."  
That brought my mood up a bit. I'd only ever mentioned that to him once when he caught me trying to hide the jar in the staff room, but I was thankful for the fact that he'd remembered it. Given that he was being so nice, I couldn't bring myself to reject his request, and so I allowed him to go downstairs as I got started with the home delivery picks.

It just so happened, though, that these ones were harder to pick than usual. Whilst I'm usually able to reach to the H shelf with no issue, it doesn't really work out too well when people push items to the back of the shelf or trap them by putting them on shelves that are way too small in comparison to the box size. That was the case for the majority of the home picks on that day. Everywhere I went, I had to take my ladder along. Considering that there's one ladder per three aisles too, it was a bit of a pain to have to deal with. Transporting them around is awkward enough without the added complexity of trying to close and roll a ladder in one fluid movement on top of that. The added bonus, though, was that there were also a number of heavy item picks to get as well. Microwaves, printers, wardrobes, shelves; all from the first few aisles. They wouldn't fit into the trolley, and so I had to awkwardly carry them over to the elevator as I tried not to get my body trapped between open ladders and the other side of the aisle. It was something that I often managed to do, and it was a huge pain in the ass because it would switch my headset off in the process.

By the time I'd managed to get seven picks done, Seungcheol was back upstairs with me. It was relatively humiliating that I'd done so little in the time he'd been away, but he didn't seem angry at me this time. "They really like to order awkward packages for the afternoon delivery, don't they?" he asked as he noticed me trying to waddle along aisle thirty-nine with a twenty-four-kilogram wardrobe. "Do you want me to get that for you?" As I went to say that I was fine, he made his way over and scooped it up from the bottom with ease. It was as if it wasn't heavy at all, as far as he was concerned, and I was amazed by the sight of him taking it through to the elevator with no issue at all.  
"I could've taken it," I said weakly, just to make myself feel better about the fact that I'm still weak after months of carrying heavy items like that. Seungcheol gave a smile.

"I know, but I'm concerned about your feet. Balancing the box on your toes to waddle with it isn't good for you, you know. In fact..." He trailed off for a moment, curling his lips in towards his teeth as he thought about it. "I was going to mention that to you earlier. When I was helping you in the shower last night, your toes were badly bruised. Was it from waddling like that with heavy items?" I could feel the tingle of embarrassment starting to prickle against my skin as I turned my head away from him. The last thing I wanted to do was look into his eyes and lie about that sort of thing, but I knew full well that he was supposed to report that sort of thing to someone higher up if he noticed it. It wasn't supposed to happen because I was supposed to carry things with correct posture and with both hands. Of course, I'd gotten into some bad habits when I realised that I didn't really see eye to eye with Seungcheol upon first starting the job, and so some of those habits stuck with me. This one, for example, was my early attempt to carry items that I struggled with without having to call him for help. I was certain that he would shame me for asking for help, and that wasn't really something I wanted to have to experience.

"It was something else entirely," I lied. There was nothing else that it really _could_ be, but if I denied it still, he couldn't really do much about it. For a moment, he didn't say a word, but then I noticed him starting to move towards me from the corner of my eye.  
"I'm not going to get you in trouble, if that's what you're worried about," he said. His voice was strangely calm and soft - unlike anything I'd heard from him before that point. "What can I really say when I'm asked how I found out? I'm not allowed to lie because if it gets out, I can lose my job for not reporting the incident properly. If I report it, though, I can hardly say that we went out drinking last night and I took you home. There's no way that anyone would believe me if I told them that I just showered you, especially when they know that I have one double bed and no sofa."

I supposed that it was a fair point. If nothing else, there would be concerns raised that perhaps something bad had happened between us. Telling other people about our night out would definitely raise some eyebrows. For starters, if I was thought to be so drunk that I couldn't be trusted to go back to my own place and then it turned out that Seungcheol showered me, it would likely lead people to think that perhaps he did something inappropriate to me whilst I was unconscious. Secondly, whilst it's not a crime to date colleagues, it would be something that they would have to monitor closely. Seungcheol wouldn't really be able to work with me because disciplining a partner who is working under you isn't really something that a lot of people are willing to do in case it causes issues in their relationship. Of course, we weren't dating at that point in time or anything, but the higher-ups would hardly believe that. Two men going home together, having a shower together, and then sleeping in the same bed? Most people would assume that there was something romantic or sexual happening between us. It just wasn't worth the risk to mention it to anyone.

"I'll stop carrying things like that in the future," I told him, making sure to keep my voice low to show him that I was disappointed in my own behaviour. I could feel his eyes on my face again, and a glance in his direction showed me that he simply seemed to be concerned about me.  
"Just... call me if you need help with carrying anything. You know I'm usually up here with you anyway, and I'm not going to tell you that I won't carry heavy items for you. I know that you're not the strongest here because of your back problems, and I'm not really going to force you to suck it up when I know that that's the case." With that, he signed onto the stock transfer line and began to do the picks for the other store, leaving me to get back to my home delivery picks.

It was a bit of an unusual situation in general. I didn't really anticipate that Seungcheol would be so understanding towards me after our discussion, but I suppose that being alone together had the power to turn us into two people, as opposed to simply a team leader and customer service advisor. I didn't really know what to do with myself, though, knowing that he was more understanding of my situation. In the space of a few weeks, he'd gone from being a complete asshole who made me feel insecure and unworthy, to a guy who seemed to be genuinely concerned that I was hurting myself unnecessarily to keep up my image in the company. Looking back on it now, I think that that bit of understanding was what made everything better between us. It eased the tension and helped us to see each other as people. We were both normal people who had lives and thoughts and feelings and experiences, family and friends, interests, hobbies, and everything else that normal people had. We'd discussed so many things that we were forced to see each other as individuals at that point.

I could feel myself getting lost in thought as I continued with the picks. Of course, Seungcheol was quick to catch up with me along the way; most of his picks from the first few aisles were easy enough to get, and so it wasn't long before he was getting items from around where I was picking. I was determined to stay ahead of him, guessing that it would look bad if I didn't stay ahead. After all, I'd started first and I probably had fewer items to pick. That all worked out fine, obviously, until I had an item that was slightly out of reach. I cursed under my breath, knowing for sure that it was that particular item - an imported kettle from the West, which had proved to be strangely popular with customers - and so I quickly glanced up and down the aisle to see whether there was a ladder nearby. Of course, it was on the complete opposite end of this aisle, and so I was going to have to go all the way over there to collect it.

Just as I went to retrieve it, Seungcheol caught me. "What shelf?" he asked as he looked up.  
"JH. It's just a bit out of reach."  
"Show me which one," he said, encouraging me to go straight over to it. Whilst we were around the same height, his arms were a bit longer than mine, so he probably guessed that he was able to retrieve it for me without having to drag the ladder all the way over to where we were standing. After all, it was inconvenient and wasted more time. I took him straight over there and pointed to the item on the shelf; a deep red box with the name written in a cursive font with the Korean name underneath. He reached up, his fingers tapping the box. Then, without any hesitation at all, he moved onto tiptoes so that he could reach a bit higher before promptly bringing it to the front of the shelf and handing it to me. "Is that the one?" I gave a nod and thanked him.

That was when he finally got a pick past me. He shuffled behind me, naturally moving his hands to my waist so that I didn't step back and crash into him. It was a reflex move but it left my entire body tingling as soon as I felt it. Of course, though, I said absolutely nothing in response, not even bothering to turn towards him as he continued down the aisle. The last thing I really needed was for him to realise that I'd reacted to it and immediately start worrying that I was going to report the contact. Instead, I simply stayed silent and allowed him to get on with it.

It had to be the main topic of conversation when Jisoo eventually turned up to work, on the other hand. Jihoon - one of the delivery managers - called upstairs to ask me to swap with one of the other guys, since he was supposed to sort out the items that needed to be sent back to the manufacturers. Whilst I _could_ have done it, they were concerned that I was going to end up being snowed under by everything that I'd done that day so far, and so we ended up simply swapping. I'd been relieved, as a result, when Jisoo was waiting for me with a second mug of coffee, after the one that Seungcheol had brought upstairs. It meant that my time downstairs wouldn't be completely boring.

I'd barely signed on to the downstairs picks when he gave me the knowing look that said we were going to pretend to tidy up as we discussed my evening. I gave one check for picks, retrieved two small items for a customer, and then the magic words came out as soon as I joined him in the stockroom again - "Will you help me sort out the flammable items shelves?"

And so we made our way over without another word. Neither of us really needed to say anything, honestly. We both knew what was going to happen. We could start rearranging the paint cans as we discussed it. It was right at the back of the stockroom, and so we would have the chance to move apart if any managers came to find us, which they probably wouldn't do in the first place. "So," he started as soon as we were alone, "Start by telling me who you met with last night. You haven't mentioned talking to any men lately." I let out a long breath and gave an awkward laugh to prepare him for the fact that the unexpected was about to come out, and then promptly went straight into it.  
"Seungcheol. But it wasn't in a romantic sense, I swear."

Jisoo's eyebrows suddenly raised. It was clear that he'd not expected that one, and he sort of looked as if he was waiting for me to announce that I was joking. When that announcement didn't come, he ran a hand through his hair. "And you went out with him _why?_ He's just been a huge dick to you for the longest time."

I didn't really have a proper answer for him. It wasn't like I was under any obligation to go out with him. I could've easily said that having a break from him treating me like trash was good enough, but I supposed that it had already worked out well because Seungcheol was already being a lot more gentle with me today. Over the space of one evening, we'd gotten to know some of the most intimate details about each other, and so there was a small, unspoken rule that dropping each other this soon would be a bad idea. I think that it's normal to be worried about that sort of thing, honestly; if you continue to be friends with someone, they don't really think to spread that sort of information to other people. If you drop them, however, some people are cruel enough to spread that sort of thing to as many people as possible to get back at you. It's disgusting but it's the reality of relationships in which you know a lot of private things about each other.

There was no way that I could really put that into words at the time, though, so I simply told him that Seungcheol said he'd buy me a drink. I couldn't say no when he was being so nice to me, and so we ended up agreeing to go out together as a result. Jisoo stared at me in silence for a moment, apparently not really knowing what to say in response to that, before eventually letting out a defeated noise. "I gave you my red jumper so that you could go on a date with Choi Seungcheol? You put in effort to meet Seungcheol?" He obviously didn't know how to take that information and I couldn't really say that I blamed him, in all honesty. It must've seemed really weird, seeing as I'd not mentioned the situation getting any better between me and him recently. The topic of Seungcheol's nana hadn't come up between Jisoo and I, since it wasn't exactly my place to talk about that sort of thing with people who didn't hear about it from Seungcheol himself. My close friends may know everything about me, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to mention the intimate details of someone else's life to them.

"Sorry, I just had to look decent. I couldn't go out for drinks with a manager looking like a complete waste of time. If I turned up looking scruffy and gross, you know I'd hear about it today. He's not exactly the sort of guy who would drop it to spare my feelings, is he?" Before he could answer, a pick came through on his headset. He told me that he would be a moment before scurrying off to retrieve it, and then he was back by my side after around two minutes. In that time, I tried to come up with my excuses, although it wasn't exactly the easiest job. Jisoo joined me again, and then promptly gave a sigh.  
"I didn't mean to make it sound as if I'm judging you, you know. I'm just worried about you. I know that even though he's an asshole, he's also a charmer. I don't want him to make you feel special and then rip your self-confidence away from you. Does that make sense?" I gave a nod but made sure to point out that I wasn't going to let Seungcheol get to my heart.

There was a world of difference between what we were doing and what could have been. We'd gone out as colleagues and come out as two people who understood each other better. There was nothing romantic in that experience; he might have been a charmer, but he certainly wasn't going to charm his way into my heart. I was much stronger than that. Although, speaking of strength--

"Oh, something came up earlier, but I think I have to tell you everything that happened this morning before I could possibly begin to explain the events in the upper stock room this morning," I told him. Without giving him any chance to start asking questions directly, I let everything spill out. I told him that I'd allegedly vomited on us both and Seungcheol had had to shower us both, but I'd woken up to him completely naked and on top of me. For a moment, Jisoo's expression was completely unreadable, as if he was anticipating there to be a genuine affair between us. It was something that wouldn't really happen and we both knew that, but the content of the discussion was quickly starting to hint towards underlying feelings towards each other by that point. Two men didn't just wake up naked next to each other without something going on, and one _on top_ of the other was a completely different story. It was something that couldn't really be misinterpreted.

He listened to my story about everything that had happened from the moment I woke up to the little moments upstairs. A few more subtle touches had surfaced before I was sent downstairs actually, I recall; when we wanted to use the computer and I was nearby, he gently touched my hip; as he walked behind me, he accidentally brushed against my ass; as we were putting the delivery away, we both reached for the same item. They were subtle little things but they made a world of difference when I was trying to explain the situation to Jisoo. They made it seem as if perhaps whilst I claimed not to be interested in Seungcheol, he might have been interested in me. There was no saying for sure, obviously, but it wasn't really something that guys did to other guys. There was no reason to touch me in half of those situations and he used to do everything he could in order to avoid making direct physical contact with me, so I supposed that perhaps it might've been his way of flirting or something like that. It was something that I would have to monitor for a while in order to make sure of that, and I knew for sure that Jisoo had caught onto the same details that I had when I was starting to think about it properly.

"Be honest with me," he said quietly as he started to fiddle with the wire of his headset, "Do you think he has feelings for you now?"  
"I... well," I started, not really having thought out my answer that much at all. It was something that I didn't really have experience in. For the most part, I didn't even know whether _I_ was attracted to a man in a romantic sense to start with. There was no way in hell that I was going to be able to interpret someone else's feelings like that. "I suppose that there's a chance, but I think we just went out as friends. Maybe he thought that he was under the obligation to start feeling concern for me because I'm always working around him and now he's gotten to talk to me about it, he can see the struggles that I've faced." It was a weak explanation but Jisoo nodded nonetheless.  
"Do you think that you have feelings for him? Or even that he's more attractive than you originally anticipated?"

Now, _that_ was a difficult question. There was no denying that Seungcheol was an attractive young man. He had a good facial structure and a well-toned body. I'd obviously gotten to see every curve of his body that morning when he departed the bed that we'd both been laid in. I'd seen the deep curve of his back and the good build in his shoulders. I'd seen a toned stomach that was, thankfully, free from obvious abs. That was the one thing that really put me off some men; whilst what they did with their body was their own thing and I didn't really have the place to tell them what they could and couldn't do with it, I didn't really like men who strived to look like the men on the front of fitness magazines. It just wasn't what I found attractive. As a result, it earned Seungcheol a few bonus points.

Then there was the issue of his personality. His personality wasn't the best whilst he was at work. He acted as if I was useless when I didn't do things how he wanted them done, and he wasn't always the most understanding person in the world. Yet, he was completely different when we went out together. He seemed to be genuinely interested in what I had to say. He didn't make me feel stupid or try to interrupt me. If anything, he was listening to me a lot more in that context than he was when I was at work with him. His answers to the questions were genuine and often well thought-out, and he seemed shy to give his opinions. Sometimes he would really think about an answer and it would surprise me. Other times, he would give his response right away and I would be smacked by the fact that he was just as normal as anyone else. As much as I hated to admit it, I really _did_ find him attractive, even though I didn't think that it was anything romantic.

"I think you're always going to find someone slightly more attractive when you've spoken to them in an intimate way," I told him. Jisoo gave a hum of acknowledgement.  
"I think you're right about that. Please tell me if you think it starts to get romantic, though, because I need some time to switch between loathing him and gushing with you about how cute he is and how he looks good when he's naked." At that point, I severely doubted that I would need to warn him in advance for something like that, but I agreed nonetheless. It could have happened and, as you already know, it eventually did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back, finally!! My dissertation is handed in, uni is over, and I have exactly two exams before I'm done for good!! It means that I can start updating regularly again, so watch this space~
> 
> Thank you for your patience and understanding during this time <3


	5. Chapter 5

I haven't mentioned before now, but a few of my colleagues and I had a group chat whilst I worked with them. It started as a way to find cover if any of us needed to have time off work, but it soon erupted into something more casual. After just a month or so, it turned to memes, weird photos, invites, and then weird nicknames. Our nicknames were changed to reflect the different items in the stockroom that we apparently represented. For example, Jihoon was named after an imported baby seat that we used to have in stock - a "pocket snack seat" - because he's small and a few of the guys in the chat pointed out that he "looked like a snack". Their words, not mine. Likewise, Minghao was named after a rolled Lomanlisa mattress because he's soft but also as much of a pain in the ass as the mattresses are to put away in the stock room. My nickname was something to do with breastmilk pumps, since they claimed that I was the mother hen of the group right from the moment I stepped through the door, whilst Seungcheol was a coffee table because it's awkward to carry, comes in two boxes, and "no one likes them".

I used to have it muted a lot of the time so I would only ever get notifications if I was tagged in a message. As a result, I remained blissfully unaware of most things that happened in the group chat until something important came up. A couple of weeks after Seungcheol and I went out for drinks together, though, I ended up getting a notification in the chat. It was after the shop had closed and I'd originally expected that it would be an invite to go to a nearby bar or something, but then I opened it up to find the following exchange:

 **Rolled Mattress (Minghao)** : Has anyone noticed that @TITTY PUMP and @OTTOMAN TABLE have been getting along nowadays though?  
 **Rolled Mattress (Minghao)** : Funny story, I saw them actually chatting the other day - either of you care to tell us what that's about? :P  
 **Ottoman Table (Seungcheol)** : What's that supposed to mean? We talk at work usually.  
 **12ft Trampoline (Seokmin)** : Only when you're commanding him around the warehouse haha :P  
 **Ottoman Table (Seungcheol)** : No, we've always gotten along just fine, thank you.  
 **Pocket Snack (Jihoon)** : Alright I'm staying out of this one. Can't go against my fellow managers.  
 **Ottoman Table (Seungcheol)** : What do you mean "go against your fellow managers"? Are you saying that you agree with them?  
 **Pocket Snack (Jihoon)** : All I'll say is that you're a bit hard on him sometimes but you've been a bit nicer lately.  
 **Feed Me Dino (Chan)** : "A bit hard" right haha more like "Uh yeah can you speed it up a bit please Jeonghan" every time you're on the same floor as him :')

I'd not seen that many messages in a long time. For the most part, there was just the odd joke or some invite to go to a bar after work. It was never like this, and I was honestly amazed to see everything that was happening from the background. I didn't really know what to reply with, and so I simply kept to myself instead. Of course, they saw that and immediately brought it up.

 **Feed Me Dino (Chan)** : @TITTY PUMP Are you going to have your say or something?  
 **Titty Pump (Jeonghan)** : I'd rather stay out of this actually haha :P  
 **Ottoman Table (Seungcheol)** : What, do you think I treat you badly as well, Jeonghan? It's not just everyone else?  
 **12ft Trampoline (Seokmin)** : Hey now  
 **Rolled Mattress (Minghao)** : We didn't say you treat him badly exactly  
 **12ft Trampoline (Seokmin)** : We didn't say anything like that??? We just said that you're chatting more  
 **Popstar Karaoke (Seungkwan)** : Passing by to add that I agree with the above ^^^ just saying  
 **Feed Me Dino (Chan)** : Come on guys, he literally starts on Han for things that aren't even his fault...  
 **Ottoman Table (Seungcheol)** : Seungkwan, seriously.  
 **Ottoman Table (Seungcheol)** : And Chan, when have I ever done that?  
 **Feed Me Dino (Chan)** : "Why haven't you been doing your returns, Jeonghan?" - you, right after you asked him to pick for homes  
 **12ft Trampoline (Seokmin)** : When someone has a missing item during peak times and you ask him why he's not picking faster to make up for it  
 **Rolled Mattress (Minghao)** : When a driver jammed the lift and it was Han's fault  
 **Pocket Snack (Jihoon)** : I know I said I'd keep out of this, but when that bike was returned because he'd dragged it and the customer didn't like the slight scuffing on the bottom of the box, so you complained about him losing the sale  
 **Popstar Karaoke (Seungkwan)** : When Seulgi was off sick and you blamed Jeonghan for some reason

I couldn't really bring myself to read anymore, honestly. I informed them all that I was going to keep to myself for the rest of the evening. I didn't really know what else I could say. After all, it was only going to start erupting into questions about whether it was true and I wasn't really emotionally ready to deal with that sort of situation on that particular day.

It's a weird situation. I'm not sure if anyone who is reading this has ever really experienced the pain of retail work but if I'm being completely honest, I'd rather not have to deal with anyone when I finish my shift. I'd _particularly_ like to avoid my colleagues because they're a reminder of all of the stress I had to face during the day and they're also the people I'll probably be spending the following day with too. Every little thing that they've done to upset me during the day will end up in my head when they start bugging me in the group chat. I can't even begin to describe how irritable I get with them, which is why I usually have the chat muted. To be reminded of the fact that Seungcheol used to treat me like dirt at work sometimes just added to the stress that I was under, so I needed to dip out for the rest of the night.

As a result, I heard nothing else about it until I got to work the following morning. I'd kept myself awake overthinking it all, unfortunately, and how Seungcheol probably felt to be pushed into the corner by all of our friends. I honestly don't think that he did any of those things with malicious intent; rather, I was always around him so I always got it in the neck. It was always the case in workplaces where there was no one in particular to blame, I guessed. Whilst it wasn't ideal to displace that irritation onto some other colleague, I could understand where it was coming from and so I wasn't all that bothered by it for the most part. Sure, it upset me a little bit to have Seungcheol making me to feel worthless, but I tried my hardest not to take it personally and so I didn't really think it was something to complain about.

Actually, scrap that. It made me incredibly upset to have him acting in such a way towards me, but it was something that I had tried my hardest to ignore up until that point. I couldn't just drop my job over something as ridiculous as a manager speaking to me in a way that hurt my feelings.

When I arrived at work the following day, though, the tension was obvious. I started my shift an hour after the store opened, and so a few of my colleagues were already stood near the tills and item collection point by the time I walked in. Conversation quickly ceased when Seokmin and Jihoon saw me walking towards the staff entrance, and then Jihoon started on his way to greet me as soon as I passed through the door. "Jeonghan, hi," he said quietly. I greeted him similarly. "Look, I'm sorry about everything that happened in the group chat last night. Jisoo pointed out that you were probably really uncomfortable with the fact that we all dragged you into that discussion but we didn't have the opportunity to apologise before you signed off for the evening. Are you okay today?"  
"Of course," I told him with a smile, trying my hardest to hide the fact that I didn't really want it brought up at work.  
"I don't know if it makes you feel any better but we were hoping that we could buy you some drinks at the staff night this Friday as an apology."

The staff night. I'd either completely forgotten or I wasn't interested in the slightest. Hint: it was definitely the latter. I hated staff nights more than anything; you would always see couples all over each other, people hooking up, that one person who was starting at 5am but would drink until they couldn't stand. It included everyone in the district twice a year, but the other four times a year were for our branch only. This time was one of the four. "Oh, I didn't really intend on going," I told him with a smile. "I wasn't that bothered by it anyway. I think everyone thinks that it bothers me a lot more than it actually does, so there's no real reason to worry." For a moment, Jihoon simply stared at me, as if he was trying to work out whether he should be concerned, but then quickly decided that it was best to let me get on with it on my own. He gave a nod before asking if I could go to the upper stock room and send Junhui down so that he could take over on the tills again.

You can probably guess why I was sent upstairs specifically, though. As soon as Seungcheol heard the door open, he froze and his head snapped up. I made sure to address Junhui first so that we would be alone whenever we had the opportunity to chat, and then promptly signed on to the upper stockroom picking option on my headset. There was one that needed to be completed before I had the chance to chat with Seungcheol and so I did exactly that. The summer blanket was placed on the belt to go downstairs and then I turned towards him. He was still stood in the exact same spot as he had been when I first saw him that day, and he looked more uncomfortable than anything.

"Jeonghan," he said quietly.  
"Cheol," I replied more casually.  
"Do I really treat you as badly as they said I do?" I stayed silent for a moment as I stared at him. In general, I'm not really the most confrontational person, so it made me somewhat uncomfortable to have to come up with a reply that didn't upset him but also didn't make it seem as if he didn't bother me in the slightest.  
"I didn't see everything that went down in the chat," I eventually told him. Seungcheol ran a hand through his hair.  
"I didn't realise that I was being so harsh on you all the time. That's all."

He looked embarrassed and unsettled. His head bowed in my direction as he apologised for treating me in that manner, but I simply shrugged. "It's not a big deal. I know why it needed to happen. You were new to management and you needed to prove that you could get results. It just happened that I didn't improve that much by the time you calmed from that state." Apparently, the attempt at justifying what he did only served to make things worse, though, as Seungcheol immediately looked up at me with disappointment in his eyes.  
"You can hardly say that it's fine that I got irritable with you over other people's mistakes."  
"Well, it was someone's fault and I happened to be around, so I don't blame you for taking it out on me. I used to do that with my sister all the time."

I swear I saw his heart breaking through his eyes at that point in time. He didn't seem to expect me to justify his actions like that, and it seemed as if it was an alien concept that _anyone_ would do that. Seungcheol stared at me in silence for a moment, trying his best to think of something to say in response. "Are you going to the staff night this time? They were talking about getting us apology drinks after you signed off last night," he asked quietly.  
"I wasn't really intending on it. Any particular reason why I should go?"  
"Perhaps I could make it all up to you? If you want to go to the staff night for long enough for everyone to buy you the drinks that they promised in the group chat and then maybe go home and get pizza or fried chicken or something, we could do that. I'll pay, of course."

I promptly reminded him that he was poor and couldn't really afford to buy us meals like that, but he swore that he had a way of doing it. He wasn't prepared to tell me what that way of earning extra money was, but I trusted that he knew what he was doing. After all, I doubt that he would offer if he couldn't afford to do so. Sure, guilt had a way of making people feel as if they _had_ to do that, but that wasn't very characteristic of Seungcheol. "Is it being held at the usual bar?" I asked, and Seungcheol immediately gave a nod. "It's around a ten-minute walk away from my place if you want to take the food back there. I can get my parents to go out for the evening if you want to watch a film or something."

That seemed to comfort him right away. Whilst I didn't really think that it was a big deal, I guessed that he probably needed that peace of mind that I wasn't angry at him. An evening together to bond would essentially be proof of whether that was the case or not. If I was irritable or standoffish, he would be able to see that I was simply trying to be humble about not being upset with him. If I was happy and cuddly with him instead, for example, it would show that everything was genuinely okay between us.

The rest of my shift was spent overthinking it. Seungcheol was on my mind the entire time; I felt bad for leaving him in a position where he felt as if he needed to make it all up to me but at the same time, I guessed that it was something that made him feel better above anything else. It made things equal; I didn't show my dislike for him so he made sure that I knew he didn't hate me either. That particular thought stayed in the front of my mind all day. Seungcheol didn't even realise that I thought he hated me, and so he simply continued to take everything out on me. Had no one actually told me about it, he would've just thought that we were acquaintances and that was how our relationship was. It had been a harsh awakening for him, and he'd not even known how to take it when everyone reminded him of how he'd been acting.

Actually, I think it stayed with me for most of the rest of the week. Every time I wasn't busy, Seungcheol would flood back into my mind. It meant that by the time I met him on Friday at the bar, I was at the point where I was feeling painfully sorry for him. It was just a bad situation, really. He hadn't thought that any of it for months and now he was suddenly in a position in which he felt as if he had to come home with me. I didn't really like it at all. Of course, he didn't seem to show any signs of being unhappy with the situation when I finally found him, but that could have easily been because he had a glass of beer in his hand. He smiled when he saw me before immediately turning back to the bar and snatching up a second glass, which was thrust towards me as soon as we were stood close enough.

"It's your first round," he told me as he took a sip of his drink. "You still have five more on the way, so we're probably going to be here for a while." It was the last thing I really needed. The plan had been to turn up at around nine o'clock and be home before ten. Taking my time with the drinks would only ensure that we wouldn't be out of the bar on time. So the plan had to change. I swallowed back mouthfuls of the drink as we started towards where everyone else was sat, but then I made a point of announcing my timeframe to everyone so that we wouldn't be expected to wait around any longer than necessary.  
"Right, Seungcheol and I are going back to my place to watch Love, Actually at nine forty-five, so if you were going to get me a drink, I'd suggest that you do it now so that I have time to drink them," I announced. There were a few noises of interest when I mentioned that Seungcheol was coming home with me, but Jisoo was quick to scold the group when that happened. The five from the chat immediately started on their way towards the bar and so we sat down with the rest of the group so that we could socialise for a while.

Now, it wasn't exactly my proudest moment but I did manage to get to the bottom of all six glasses within forty-five minutes. It was actually pretty embarrassing, actually. Thankfully, Seungcheol managed to keep up with me - he'd been offered the same number of apology drinks - and so we were both equally tipsy by the time we left the bar. As soon as we were out in the open, he grabbed onto my hand - a way to make sure that we weren't going to end up stumbling away fro each other or anything, apparently. Of course, after that many drinks had hit us, we'd barely even made it halfway home before every step was accompanied by sloshing inside of us.

"I think I need to stop somewhere," Seungcheol breathed. I noticed him trying to relieve the pressure on his lower abdomen right away, although it didn't really seem to work all that well. In the end, we had to find an alley to dip into - one behind a row of shops where no one would see us - so that we could pee. I recall feeling nervous as I stood to the side of Seungcheol and listened to the quiet hiss in the silence of the night, although as soon as he was done, he suddenly called out to me. "Did I tell you that I planned a treat for you tonight?" he asked as he turned towards me. I adjusted myself before glancing over towards him, only to see that he was holding himself in a way that allowed me to see a slightly red patch of skin with a ball on either side.

"You put your piercing back in," I pointed out. It had most likely been forced back through the holes, which had already started to close up after weeks of no piercing to keep them open. It was impressive that he'd managed it, although I do recall feeling somewhat bothered by the fact that he endured the pain of putting it back in so that I could enjoy it. "It looks..." The urge to touch it overruled the knowledge that I probably shouldn't do that. My hand brushed against him for a fraction of a second, and then I full-on grabbed him so that I could get a better look at it. My thumb ran over it a few times until I'd memorised the bump of the piercing underneath his skin. I stroked it a few more times before telling him that I really liked it, and so he told me that it was all mine if I wanted it when we got back to my place.

Of course, I was planning on going for it from the moment he said that. I couldn't just pass him up on that offer when he'd gone to the effort of putting the piercing back in for me. As soon as he tucked himself away again, he grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the alleyway. "Lead the way to your place," he told me, and so I walked us straight back there. Thankfully, my family had gone out as I'd requested, and so I was able to take him straight into the hallway and start right there. Our shoes were discarded right away and then Seungcheol dipped in to kiss me gently on the lips.

I'm not sure if this is a universal thing, but I've always found that the novelty of the first kiss with a new person is just as good as the first one ever, except with fewer nerves. I wasn't afraid to kiss Seungcheol, as I had been the first time I kissed a boy just after my thirteenth birthday. In fact, I was more than happy to kiss him but as soon as we made contact, I couldn't help but move away slightly so that I could look into his eyes. They were filled with a desire that I'd not seen on his face before; a warmth that suggested that he wanted me as much as I wanted him at that moment in time. He ran a hand through my hair before dipping in to kiss me again. This time, we held it for longer. Seungcheol smiled against my lips as he pulled me closer to his body, and then he let out a long sigh as he dared to slip his hand down to touch my ass.

There were no complaints at all. I let out a little noise as I felt him squeeze so deliberately, and then promptly slipped a hand down to rub him through his trousers. "Take me to your room now. We'll get the pizza when we're done." There was no way in hell that I would argue against that. Before it had properly registered for me, we'd gone from a situation in which he was simply showing me his piercing properly to one in which we wanted each other. It had been a joint decision that came with minimal words; we both knew that we weren't going to take it all the way but sure as hell we were going to make the most of the desire that we both felt. I took his hand again and led him towards my bedroom, although we ended up stopping around halfway there to kiss each other again before doing the same upon stumbling through the door.

I like to think that it was because of said chemistry between us, rather than it being a result of us being horny and tipsy. It was such an intimate moment between us, in which I hoped we wanted each other specifically instead of just anyone who happened to be around at the time. Looking back on it, I think that our affair was a sign that we had feelings for each other before we had the guts to admit it. Those feelings had developed quickly in the space of time since Lunar New Year - probably amplified as a result of how we'd spent time alone together - and then we'd used beer as an excuse to let it all out. Again, though, it's what I hoped had happened, and it was what I'd been working under the premise of when I crushed my lips against Seungcheol's again. My hands searched for his trousers and unbuttoned them, only for me to realise moments later that he was half stiff already.

I immediately grabbed for him and began to gently stroke in time with the kiss. My thumb brushed over the piercing a few times in the process, and Seungcheol let out soft noises as it did. "I love feeling you touching it with your fingers," he breathed against my lips before dipping back in to kiss me again. Now, I don't know why I said it and I was certain that it wasn't a result of being tipsy, but I immediately drew back from the kiss so that I could look at him as I spoke.  
"I can touch it with my mouth if you want," I told him before dropping straight down to my knees and taking him past my lips. Seungcheol took in a sharp breath and tilted his head back slightly. I proceeded to bob my head between his thighs for a little while, making sure to focus on the areas that were most sensitive for him. His glans, directly over the tip, and then around the piercing site. We made eye contact briefly, and then Seungcheol quickly shook his head as he moved me away from him.

"This won't do," he said quietly as he made his way towards the bed. I instantly felt the embarrassment of rejection starting to trickle through my body as I watched him moving away completely.  
"Was it that bad?" I asked indignantly, although I tried my best to make the question sound more curious than anything.  
"Oh?" Seungcheol said as he glanced towards me again. "Ah, what I mean is..." He trailed off this time before taking a seat on the edge of the bed and tapping for me to sit down. I obeyed without hesitation, guessing that I wasn't really going to get my answer unless I did as he asked. Once I was seated, he shuffled closer to me and moved his hand to the button of my jeans. "I'm sorry, I meant that it didn't feel right to have just taken it without giving anything back. Would you... would you mind if we could maybe do it so that I can suck you at the same time?"

Ladies and gentlemen, I hit gold with Choi Seungcheol. Whilst he was an asshole sometimes, he had a good heart and he knew that reciprocating oral sex is important. In a relationship, I would be reluctant to suck a guy who didn't give back. In a brief affair, though, it didn't really matter all that much. As a result, I was pleasantly surprised when he continued undressing us both until we were completely bare before encouraging me to mount him in a way that allowed us both to pleasure each other at the same time. We moved with each other, enjoying the warmth of mouths against bare flesh. Seungcheol's groans vibrated around me as he continued to take me in, and I couldn't help but melt underneath him. But as expected, it was over way too soon; between being slightly intoxicated and the sensation of being touched for the first time in several years, the act only lasted for ten minutes at best. I expected that we were done for good at that point and so tried to pull away, but Seungcheol's hands caught me before I could get too far.

"I'm not done," he told me. To start with, I considered asking him what he meant - after all, he'd hit his climax and I'd reaped in the rewards of that. In a matter of seconds, though, it was explained to me. He adjusted how I was positioned over him before pressing soft kisses to my ass and thighs. They developed into firm kisses, showing that he knew exactly what he wanted to do after planting them on my skin, and then he promptly bit the bullet and got to work.

In my twenty-two years, I'd never once felt the pleasure of having a man's tongue crammed inside my booty hole. It was something that felt rather alien but was absolutely, one-hundred percent worth every second. The initial shock of it left my body melting underneath Seungcheol. The tingles of warmth that followed indicated that my body was already starting to give in to the desire that he filled me with. He pulled me up to sit properly, rather than allowing me to lean forward and busy myself with pleasuring him again, and then he proceeded to push in deeper until I was left arching and grasping at the headboard of the bed. I breathed his name and he instantly started to mix things up. Kisses and licks. Slurps, thrusts, slow circles dragged across my skin. I couldn't breathe when he worked his magic; it felt good enough having someone touching me, nevermind really going to town on giving me pleasure.

Within a few minutes, I was a melted puddle. Seungcheol continued to abuse my entrance until he could tell that I was tired out. At that point, he gave my thigh a gentle tap and told me that it was time for us to either get dinner, cuddle, or sleep. It was a struggle to drag myself away from his face, and then I promptly flopped down on the bed next to him. For a moment, I didn't really know what to say. We stayed silent, with Seungcheol watching me and me trying to come up with some comprehendible compliment for how great his tongue felt. In the end, he simply invited me to cuddle up close to his chest, where he promptly wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pressed a kiss to the top of my head.

"What are we now?" I blurted out as soon as I regained the ability to do so. "That was too good for me to want to let anyone else have you, ever." He took it as a compliment instead of some obsessive comment, thankfully, although his smile was weaker than I'd hoped.  
"I'm going to be honest, I don't think I'm ready for a relationship right now. It's too soon after my nana passed away for me to have a relationship and not worry that I'm using it to get over her. Are we okay to wait for a while before we take that sort of step?" Whilst it was disappointing, I completely understood what he meant. I didn't really want to be his replacement for his nana either, and I was more than happy to wait for him to know whether he was prepared to take that step with me. "I do... find you attractive though," Seungcheol added, as if he was expecting that I would take it badly.

I gave a nod as I tucked myself closer to his chest. "I find you attractive too," I told him. I could hear his heart start to beat faster underneath my cheek as soon as I said it. "Can we kiss once more or has the moment passed?" He pulled away from the cuddling so that we could gaze into each other's eyes once more, and then he promptly leaned in to kiss me again.

We never did order the pizza in the end, but I did end up eating him for breakfast the next morning too. It was a brief affair and there was a chance that I wouldn't get to experience being with him again for a long time, so I figured that we might as well make the most of it whilst we could.


	6. Chapter 6

Despite knowing that Jisoo wasn't going to judge me when he found out about my affair with Seungcheol, I was still absolutely terrified when I told him about it.

There's something inherently scary about admitting that sort of thing to your friends. I was well aware of the fact that he wouldn't look down on me. That wasn't Jisoo's style. If he did have a problem, he would make sure to actually tell me like a normal person - and a good friend, for that matter - and so I didn't really need to worry about it. And he would make sure to make it gentle and sweet. Not sugar-coating it, as such, but not making me feel bad for my decisions. Jisoo knew well that I wouldn't really react well to him acting as if I was stupid because of my decisions, and so he never made it feel as if I was dumb because of them. Sure, I made poor decisions sometimes, but sometimes a lack of judgement would occur for anyone, so it wasn't really a big deal or anything.

Despite knowing that, though, I could barely get the words out to start with. I could feel them getting caught in my throat; every word becoming awkward and mechanical as I tried to force them to surface. I could feel myself getting embarrassed and uncomfortable, as if we'd never discussed sex before, and eventually I had to stop talking, out of fear that I was going to make the situation even worse. Thankfully, Jisoo didn't even seem to judge me as I skirted around the topic and instead, he made sure to remind me that he was there for me. "It's up to you what you do with Seungcheol," he said quietly as he pressed a hand to my shoulder. "I love you and I'm here to support your decisions. You know I respect you enough to call you out if you did something bad, but I would never treat you badly as a result of that."

And so I tried again. It took a few more attempts before I finally decided to give in and tell him exactly what happened without trying to make it sound more proper. "I had oral sex with him a couple of nights ago," I said, and although I'd been expecting Jisoo to cringe at my words, he simply stared at me inquisitively.  
"Are you going to elaborate on that? How did it start and what did you do exactly?"

Before I could get started, there was a should from the other side of the stock room. It was Jihoon, who had been sent up to send me on my first break of the day - a quick fifteen minute one, since I was due to work for nine hours that day - and so I gave a sigh before promising that I would discuss it further when I returned. And so I left, making my way straight towards the breakroom for that fifteen minutes. Whilst I would usually just grab a coffee and spend that time chatting with Jisoo upstairs, without the expectation that I would be picking for the store too, I figured that it would be difficult this time. Nine hours was a long time to be at work, and I didn't think I would be able to handle it if I didn't take my break properly today. I put a timer on my phone and then relaxed in my chair, closing my eyes for a few minutes until I finally heard the breakroom door swing open. At the same time, my eyes snapped open, and I was immediately faced with the sight of Seungcheol, who was coming in for a glass of water.

"Oh, Jeonghan," he said as he made his way over to where I was sitting. "I hope you don't mind, but I've been thinking about things a lot lately and I realised that I've never seen you eating whilst you're here. And after the other day, when you told me that you don't have time to make food to bring, I got a bit worried about you. You know, since you're working a long shift today and all." I listened to his awkward rambling for a little while longer, trying my hardest to sound interested when I didn't really have the time to sit here listening to him. I was happy that he was there, of course, but I still wanted some time to relax. It's the case whether I'm in a relationship with someone, I'm just having a fling with a person, they're my best friend, or they're that acquaintance I don't really know but want to get to know better. It doesn't matter who the individual is; when I'm taking a short break, I don't really want them to be around me the entire time. I glanced at my timer. Seven minutes left.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that I didn't want you to get hungry because of how much work you're doing, so I brought you some kimbap in." _Oh_. My eyebrows instantly shot up, and I felt really bad about the fact that I wanted him to hurry up. He made his way over to the fridge and took it out to show me that it had my name on the lid. It was clearly homemade and was somewhat poorly put together, but he'd made the effort to make me something to eat, and so I wasn't really going to complain. I was very grateful, as a matter of fact, and so I quickly got out of my seat so that I could thank him. It wasn't something that I would usually do, especially not at work, but I made sure to thank him as I looked directly into his eyes, and then allowed a hug. "You didn't have to do that," I made sure to add, although Seungcheol simply smiled when we drew apart.  
"I did it because I appreciate you, though. I intend on bringing you lunch whenever you're working a long shift, so you don't really have to worry about not eating until you get home."  
"But you can't really afford it." It might've been a bit harsh, but I didn't really want him to feel as if he had to make me food, especially after everything that had gone down lately. The difficulty with his bills, the long hours, and the discussions about his poor diet. He was eating very cheap vegetables that he'd simply frozen and mashed up, and most of the time he didn't even have the full three meals in a day. Yet, he was planning on bringing me something to eat instead.

"I can afford it," he said plainly.  
"You're always struggling to feed yourself."  
"Sometimes a person's feelings for other people and desire to keep them happy and healthy surpass their own need for those things. Besides, sometimes it's just going to be leftovers that otherwise won't be eaten, so I hope you'll be able to stomach them. Or maybe someone like Chan will. I don't really want to waste food."

I was pretty sure that he was lying to me. He would be able to find a use for the food if he really wanted to find a use for it. He could freeze it or use it for his own lunch. I knew that he would be able to stomach it when he didn't really eat much, and it wasn't as if he was making so much food that he wasn't able to finish it all. I seriously doubted that that was the case, but I wasn't really prepared to argue with him over it. If he wanted to make me food, I would feel bad but I wouldn't argue over it. The ways in which he chose to spend his time and money were up to him, and perhaps there was some sort of secondary income or something that allowed him to incorporate me into his budget. It wasn't my place to ask, though, and so I simply leaned in to kiss him gently on the lips. He kissed back, not even embarrassed by the gesture in the slightest, but then we soon parted as not to be caught in the act before promptly getting back to our respective duties. Seungcheol started to make drinks for our colleagues and I finished off my break before heading back upstairs. It was going to be another topic of conversation that was going to arise when I chatted with Jisoo, and I knew that from the moment it happened.

And so I made a beeline straight for Jisoo in order to discuss it with him. After having had some time to relax again, I found that it was a hell of a lot easier to discuss what had happened with him, and so I told him the story right from the start. It was fuelled by alcohol, just like the last time, and he showed me that he had his piercing back in. I was interested, as expected, and so I had to have him when we got back to my parents' house. We started off by kissing, but then I wanted to go down on him whilst he had the piercing in, and so I ended up taking him straight into my mouth. And then he decided that he wanted to give it back so it developed accordingly. Then there were the details of the morning after, which had started with him waking me with neck kisses, and had ultimately ended with him pushing two fingers into me as he sucked me in time with the thrusts. It felt absolutely mind-blowing to have that done so early in the morning, and so I'd ended up as a puddle of mush in front of him. He hadn't even wanted anything back in the morning either, which was just an added bonus. It was more proof that I'd hit gold with Seungcheol and boy, I'd enjoyed it so much that it's something that has stuck in my mind since. I could describe it in great detail, but I feel that that would be too excessive, so you'll have to simply take my word for it.

Jisoo seemed to be amazed by my description of the events that had taken place. He made sure to ask me what my relationship with Seungcheol was following that affair, and so I ended up having to confess to him that we still weren't dating, but we did kiss in the breakroom. It was something that was relatively weird for people to do in such a public place when they weren't in a relationship, but I couldn't help but go ahead with it. After all, he'd been so sweet by bringing me something to eat, and so I had to give him something back. It wasn't necessarily much, but it was short and sweet and he accepted it right away. Of course, we couldn't really infer much from it because I had been the one to kiss him first, but he would have pushed me away if he didn't enjoy it. Which generally suggested that he had a thing for me too.

"Are you interested in him or something, then?" Jisoo followed. He seemed to be trying to coax the feelings out of me so that I didn't feel as if I didn't know what they meant, which I actually appreciated a lot. I'd been relatively unsure about my feelings in general, since I didn't really know where I stood with Seungcheol or whether our relationship was like a pre-dating experience or actual romance, but talking about it cleared the situation up in a matter of minutes. Yet, I had feelings for him. They weren't necessarily intense, but they were certainly there. If he asked me on a date or said that he wanted me to be his boyfriend, I wouldn't be acting like a high school girl whose first crush had confessed to liking her. It would be more like the humble twenty-something-year-old who was happy to have been asked on a date, but not the one who would be indifferent about it. It was hard to describe, but it made sense in my head. Likewise, though, if he told me that he just wanted to sleep with me for the moment with no strings attached, I wouldn't really be that disappointed either. It wouldn't feel as if he was using my body or just trying to get sex out of me, and I would actually be willing to go all the way with him without being worried about it getting awkward. I knew we were at that point in our relationship in which we had something but it wasn't a big enough something that we would end up getting too jealous or obsessive over the other person, and that was exactly what I liked.

Jisoo seemed to be just as satisfied when we worked it out, and he gave me an affectionate pat when we figured it out. "I think it's going to work out great, as long as you're both open with each other," he said, although as soon as the words had left his lips, a devious smile met his lips. "Now, are you going to tell me the fine details about your experience with him? Is he good in bed? How big is he? Does he kiss well? How does it feel to be rimmed by another guy? Would you ever consider doing that in return?" The questions continued to flow, despite my lack of answers. I couldn't help but laugh; he was the sort of person who seemed innocent on the outside but was far from it in reality. Jisoo made sure that I gave him every single detail between picks, from the little details about Seungcheol's body to the taste of his skin. It was something that I wouldn't be able to share with anyone else, but Jisoo was different. He seemed to be interested in every single aspect of our affair and even offered me tips for the future. Try it without alcohol, he suggested first and foremost; both of our flings had been a direct result of alcohol beforehand, and so I needed to know that I was still into him without that foundation to support us. Next, he suggested a number of different techniques, like "grapefruiting" and simply dropping my bathrobe in front of him whilst he was with me. Perhaps I could also send him some dirty photos too.

I was a bit hesitant about the last option to start with, until he pointed out that Seungcheol had shown me his nudes on our first date. We weren't even interested in each other at that point either, so it obviously wasn't a big deal to him. It didn't take too long before my hesitation turned to interest, and so I eventually caved and made my trip to the bathroom as soon as my long break started later that afternoon. I made sure to do what I could to seem seductive, and then made sure to snap a few cute photos with my shirt in my mouth and my junk out for him. Of course, it was amateur and looked dreadful when I looked back on it a few months later, but it was the starting point. The photos were sent to Seungcheol right away, and then I stuffed my phone into my pocket before making my way through to the breakroom to eat the kimbap.

As weird as it sounds, it actually tasted better homemade. I didn't really expect that it would taste that great when it was visibly falling apart in front of me, but then it turned out that the love that had been put into it made it taste amazing. I was pretty sure as soon as I took the first bite that he'd made it specially for me, instead of giving me the leftovers like he'd said, but I wasn't really going to call him out on it. He'd had to fight with me over this sort of thing enough, and I didn't really want to make him feel awkward about his good deeds. So I decided to give the benefit of the doubt. He'd probably bought the ingredients from a discount store, or perhaps it was made from things he'd already had in his cupboard. Maybe he'd made it and then realised that he wasn't in the mood for kimbap, or maybe he didn't even like it but his family had given him a kit to make them at home. Those thoughts made me feel a lot more comfortable with the fact that I was going to be taking food from him, and so I made sure to add another appreciative message to the end of my photo chain to show him that his efforts weren't in vain. The box was washed out and placed on the side next to the fridge so that he knew where to look for it, and then I moved on to do the typical things I did during my break. Social media. News. Emails. Messaging my family. Looking through random websites that were brought up. Playing on time-sensitive apps. Just the usual sort of things that anyone does to pass the time in a stress-free manner.

Then I started on my way back to retrieve my headset, and that was when it all started.

I noticed the whispers behind hands as I began to make my way back to my locker to put my phone away. To start with, I couldn't really figure out whether they were whispering about me, but then it became painfully obvious when the whispers turned to very forced, very awkward smiles. They were the sort of smiles that people gave when they had been caught doing something they shouldn't have done - in this case, gossiping about someone who was present at the time. I tried to ignore it as best as possible as I made my way through the warehouse, but then I caught wind of what some of my colleagues were discussing.

"-- just a little slut trying to get a pay rise by fucking the manager," one of them said, obviously not seeing me as I walked through the aisles behind her. I instantly felt my blood start to boil in response; my ears grew hot and I could already feel the shame starting to tickle my cheeks with red. She was one of the colleagues I'd liked but there was no doubt that she was talking about me. There was no one else the discussion could be about. Other than Jihoon and Seungcheol, all of the managers were married. Even then, Jihoon had been in a polyamorous relationship with Seokmin and Soonyoung for several years. It would hardly be a scandal if he _did_ get a third boyfriend and besides, he wasn't the sort to give any colleague special treatment because of his relationship with them. Seungcheol wasn't either, but he hadn't been in a relationship in the time he'd been working for the company and everyone had noticed how he'd suddenly grown soft around me, so I guessed they thought he was a pushover or something.

So I did what anyone would do in that situation. I dipped into the next aisle where they couldn't see me, and I listened in on the conversation.  
"And you're absolutely certain that they're sleeping together?"  
"Minho saw them _kissing_ in the breakroom. They were the only ones in there. Hiding around the side and everything. You don't just kiss a random colleague at work."  
"Could it not have just been a mistake? It's hard to see through that door so maybe they were just hugging."  
"Yujin, he knows what he saw and he said that they were kissing."  
"Maybe they're... you know... in a relationship or something."  
"They've been seen going home together. You know, to fuck each other."

I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt completely and utterly powerless. I knew that my break was over and I needed to get back to work, but the longer I listened in, the worse I felt. They went on to discuss a number of different aspects of our relationship over the next few minutes. Seungcheol was really gentle towards me. He'd been seen giving me dinner. I "seemed like the sort of person" who would give my manager head for a bonus. They were pretty sure we'd messed around on the desk in the manager's office or something. I didn't really know how to respond to the claims. What was moderately innocent beforehand was quickly becoming something that made me feel humiliated. It was being spread that I was getting involved with Seungcheol for money - after all, why else would I be interested in someone like him? - and as time went on, worse and worse rumours started to surface. After I'd been listening in for around five or ten minutes in total, I quietly made my way towards the stairs and up towards the top floor of the warehouse, where Jisoo was stood waiting for me.

"Did you get lost on the way back up here?" he asked playfully as he took a sip of his coffee. "You've been gone for almost three-quarters of an hour." He gave me a smile that showed he wasn't serious at all, but the emotions suddenly hit me all at once and I immediately ended up breaking down into tears in front of him. The smile faded from his face in less than a second, the mug was placed down on the desk, and then he immediately made his way over so that he could pull me into his arms. "Jeonghan," he cooed softly as he began to stroke my hair. "Jeonghan, I didn't mean to make you upset. You know I was only joking, right? Jeonghan... I was only joking, I didn't mean to hurt you and I'm really sorry for making you cry. Hey, shhh... Shhh, okay? I swear I'll make it up to you." He continued to blurt out a mix of comforting words and apologies as he let me get it all out, but I continued to sob against his shoulder until I felt that no more tears would come. I knew that I needed to get it all out and that trying to stop it would only make things work, and Jisoo completely understood. He was patient with me, even when I pulled away with tears still in my eyes and a quake in my voice.

"It wasn't your fault," I told him as I tried my hardest to ignore that bit of quaking. It was a sign that I was weak, I thought back then; the sign that I couldn't simply regain my posture as if nothing had happened as soon as I was over the tears. It was something I was determined to work on but for now, it didn't really matter that much. It was just another thought in the sea of thoughts that had ultimately made things worse.  
"You never cry at work," he immediately pointed out as he reached over to stroke my cheek. "Was it something that happened when you were on your break? If it's to do with anyone else here, I'll kick their ass for you. I'll literally hit them right in the face, and you know I will. Just tell me who I'm going to fight on your behalf, and they won't see it coming from a guy like me." Despite the hurt that was still throbbing in the pit of my chest, I had to admit that I felt better as soon as he said that. It was comforting to know that he was on my side without even knowing what had gone down. For all he knew, I could've caused an argument and cried because I didn't get my own way. I could have been crying over so many different things, and it would have quite easily been my own fault. Yet, he had already decided that I was innocent and I appreciated it more than I could possibly describe, even now. 

"There are rumours about me," I told him right away. "Well, about Seungcheol and I." His eyebrows shot up right away.  
"What about you and Seungcheol?"  
"Someone saw us kissing in the breakroom."

I watched as Jisoo's eyebrows raised even higher. There was fire in his eyes as soon as I mentioned that other people were getting involved in my affair with Seungcheol, and he was ready to hit someone as soon as I mentioned the sorts of names that they called me as they discussed what had been going on between us. In an instant, he was ready to fight. He demanded that I tell him exactly who was talking ill of me behind my back, and when I refused to tell him, he promised that he would go around and confront absolutely everyone in the company then. He said to give him a day and he'd have it all sorted out, and then swore that I wouldn't need to worry about it any longer.

And so we fast-forward to the following day. By that point, I'd mentioned it to Seungcheol and he seemed just as anxious and uncomfortable about it all. I didn't mention that they had called me a "slut" and a "whore" and a "tramp", though, so perhaps that was why he'd been so passive about it all. "It's something that'll fix itself, I guess," he told me, "If we don't address rumours and tell them that there's no proof that there's anything between us, they can't really do much about it. It's Minho's word against ours." Of course, I would have been absolutely fine with telling them that we _had_ kissed, but the last thing I wanted to do was upset Seungcheol. Since we weren't in a relationship, we did need to be careful. Any heterosexual couples would be able to have a non-committed romantic or sexual relationship without anyone batting an eyelid. But despite the fact that our company had several gay couples within their staff, it was still seen as a taboo thing for same-sex couples to have that sort of relationship. Being an official couple was seen as being necessary, and any deviation from that was seen as a scandal. I wasn't prepared to drop us both in the net by confessing it to people, even though I really wanted to tell them that I was seeing him, and so it left me in an awkward position when I thought about it. What would I say if anyone asked me about us? How would I say it without making it obvious that I wanted there to be something between us? How do I stop them from prying?

Yet, the questions didn't come at all. I went to work that evening to find that no one was asking me about it at all. It wasn't even mentioned once. It was strange to start with - I'd expected at least one of the company gossips to come over and try to cause a fuss - but even they stayed quiet about it. But then I remembered what Jisoo had said, after a few minutes of thinking it through properly, and it all clicked into place. He'd genuinely sorted it all out for me, and everything was fine. No tension, no awkwardness, no rumours. Part of me wanted to know exactly how he'd managed to keep all of our colleagues, from till staff to drivers, quiet about my fling with Seungcheol. Part of me knew that it would ruin the magic if I did find out. In the end, I settled for simply not finding out how he worked his magic.

Seungcheol had obviously been just as surprised, although he ended up not bringing the rumours up with me directly. That was something we didn't need to feed any further. Instead, he simply sent me a text later that evening to make a suggestion about the way we moved forward with our relationship. "Maybe we should back off a bit when we're at work. I'll still bring you lunch, but I'm worried that it's going to affect our experience in the workplace if it seems as if there's something between us. Do you agree?" I agreed right away, naturally. He promised that we would be able to continue flirting from the sidelines, but just not where anyone else would be able to see it all in action. Perhaps in phone calls or texts or something, he suggested. That was going to have to be it, I told him.

At that point, he took the time to comment on the naked photos I'd sent him over my break on the day that everything had kicked off. He'd been distracted for a little while, having had to discuss with the other managers how it was rubbish that drivers had claimed to have seen me and him kissing in the breakroom. It was just a rumour, he told them all; Minho was just a huge liar who didn't get along with me, so he tried his hardest to make things awkward for me in the workplace. They didn't really have any way to prove or disprove that, and obviously Minho's account of our relationship wouldn't be seen as accurate if he was trying to cause a scandal anyway, so the other managers simply dropped it and figured that it was just going to be one of those things that got spread around with little proof. Returning to the comments about my nudes, though - his compliments went way further than they needed to go when he finally responded to what I'd sent. Every single aspect of those comments made my confidence blossom, from the way he described the lighting and how it made my skin glow, right through to the comments about the flash of thigh that was visible. He wanted to kiss them all over, he said, until he'd enjoyed every last millimetre of soft flesh.

That was how I knew that I was probably starting to fall for Seungcheol. It was all of a sudden and way too fast, but the way that he treated me so delicately without being put off by the rumours showed me that he a man who would embrace our relationship in the future too; loud and proud when he had the chance to show it off.


	7. Chapter 7

Now, the biggest issue that I had at the start of my relationship with Seungcheol was that I was still essentially a child.

Whilst sure, I was technically an adult - aged twenty-two and with a full-time job - I still didn't have the responsibilities or morals of an adult. I didn't have a house of my own. I didn't have a mortgage. I didn't have any huge responsibilities in general, for that matter - I had no long-term relationship or any children, no pets, no degree, and my parents helped me out financially. I was still a child in many senses of the world, and being the age of majority did not mean that I was equipped for the adult world. Seungcheol, on the other hand, was definitely an adult. He was just a normal, functioning adult who had moved out of his parents' place and was forced to face the adult world head-on. He paid taxes and had to prepare his own food every night. He was struggling financially and had several loans and maxed-out credit cards. He would have to worry about all of the letters that were posted through his front door. These were all things that he had to face on a daily basis, and things that I could only ever dream about.

It meant that I certainly wasn't responsible when it came to making big decisions either. Even though Seungcheol had essentially offered himself to me, I wanted more. Now that I've had some time to grow up and develop into a functional adult, I know that what I did back then was absolutely disgusting. I would have jumped at any man who offered himself to me, and that's pretty damn disgusting when you have a man who essentially asked you to wait for him. Younger me was convinced that it was fine and it didn't matter that much because we'd made no formal decision to get together in the end. Older me knows that what I did was absolutely wrong. Kissing random men in clubs and planning to hook up with the first person who asked was a betrayal of Seungcheol's trust.

But then it progressed in a way that I still regret now. I regret it to my very core. As much as it's considered normal for a child to do, it wasn't morally correct and that's where my issue is. My morals were in the wrong place, but I thought that it was okay.

It started one morning when Seungcheol met me at work and greeted me with a smile and a sneaky kiss. By that point, we'd learnt to keep it all hidden. The rumours of us having an affair had died down, but our attraction to each other certainly hadn't. He was still just as gentle as he pressed his lips to mine, and then he informed me that he would be putting my lunch in the top fridge. He'd prepared me bulgogi, which had been left over from when his mother visited him, and he knew that I was going to enjoy it. I thanked him and went to leave, but he promptly called out to me again before I could get too far. "Hey, Jeonghan. You're on your own for the first hour, since we're in off-peak season now and all, but at ten o'clock we're getting a new member of staff in. I'm a bit busy with the home deliveries today, since I'm the only manager in all day, so would you mind training him on the headsets?" I have to admit, I was surprised. I didn't really think that I was experienced enough to be able to teach a new member of staff how to do anything, but Seungcheol told me right away that he trusted me. Besides, we would have Seokmin in at the same time, and he would be going upstairs for the day. I reluctantly nodded and offered a smile, in hopes that it would hide how scared I was. Of course, though, Seungcheol could see right through the front that I was trying to show.

"Don't worry; he only needs to know the basics today. Start with basic picking and watching him getting things from the shelves. He's had basic training and just needs to do a practical on it, if that's okay." Then, when I still seemed a bit unsure, he continued again. "I'll let you know if I need help with transfers and homes, but for now I'd suggest sticking to picks and handing things out to customers, show him how to pick from the belt, and then maybe do returns if he's feeling confident. I don't think he'll be ready to do damages, missing items, returning to the manufacturer, or any of that other stuff for the moment." This time, I did feel a lot more confident. I told him that I would make a list of things that I wanted to teach him if we were quiet in the first hour, and I instantly saw Seungcheol break into a smile. He seemed impressed by the fact that I'd adapted to the situation so quickly, and was confident that I'd do a good job. So, even though I was far from feeling confident, I simply turned on a headset and signed in before getting on with my usual early morning jobs. Pre-moving items to the fast-track area of the warehouse. Ensuring that all of our post was put away in the correct areas and was voiced into the system. Ensuring that any returns were put away, and that any stray delivery items were given a home. Checking that all of the damaged items from the night before were put into a cage to be sent away, and that that cage was finalised.

And then the boy turned up.

I'd be lying if I said that he wasn't attractive, honestly. He was incredibly attractive. To start with, I'd found myself lost for words when he made his way over and told me that he was sent to find Jeonghan. His uniform was neatly pressed but his hair was scruffy; his shoes were perfectly shined; his sleeves were pulled over his hands, showing me that he was a little bit nervous about everything that was going on already. I introduced myself as best as possible, trying my hardest not to appear too mechanical as I did so, and then he introduced himself in return. His name was Kim Mingyu and he had just turned nineteen years old. It was his first job and he was painfully nervous about starting, since he knew that everyone else knew each other but it was going to take a while for him to get to that level too, but he was also excited about becoming a part of the team. I instantly felt my heart melting in response to his enthusiasm, despite the fact that it seemed terribly misplaced and I knew full well that he wasn't going to end up staying for the rest of his life or anything. I quickly decided, though, that it would be best to simply get him started instead of staring, and so I simply snatched up a headset for him before thrusting it in his direction to take.

To say that he took to the headset well would be an understatement, if I'm honest. He was somehow very skilled with it right from the start. What I'd found with past colleagues was that they would be uncomfortable with the fact that they were essentially talking to themselves, and so their first few shifts would be incredibly difficult. Either they would move the microphone closer to their mouth whenever they spoke, which would distort their speech and mean that the system wouldn't recognise anything that they said, or they would speak too quietly in general, which wouldn't end up being picked up either. And no matter how much you tell new staff, they don't listen. They never pay attention to what you say with those sorts of things. You could tell them the first time and they'd do as you say, but then the next time they're in that exact same situation, they'll do the same thing again. It usually takes a few tries for it to finally set in, at which point you're at the end of your patience with them and it's actually a saviour that they're finally getting it right. That wasn't the case for Mingyu, though. He managed to speak at the perfect volume right away, and he didn't seem to find it weird that he was talking out loud to himself and everyone else around him could only hear one side of the conversation. Of course, there were some things that he struggled with - such as the fact that if the screen showed a belt pick to be for fast-track he needed to actually collect it in person instead of simply calling it through from the screen - but those were the sorts of learning curves that would be ironed out with practice anyway.

Although, saying that, there wasn't really all that much room for practice on his first day. Sure, we managed to get a few things done. He learnt how to pick items from the shelves, how to work with the belt and the fast-track area, and how to put away items that had been returned, but it wasn't like we were busy enough for him to get a real taste of the business. On his first day, I genuinely feel as if we spent more time chatting than anything. I ended up making us both coffee ar around eleven-thirty that morning, and so we ended up standing there with the mugs in hand as we occasionally prompted the headsets to scan for more picks. We were stood right next to the computer, though, which meant that we were able to see what was happening around us anyway, so it wasn't really a huge surprise when the picks did come through.

The first topic that came up was what he was doing outside of work. He told me right away that he was at university, which sparked my interest right away, although he seemed a bit shy to tell me about his course to start with. Eventually, though, he ended up revealing that he was taking a law degree at Seoul National University. I couldn't believe it to start with. He didn't really seem like the sort of person who would be studying law, and especially not at such a prestigious university. In all honesty, he didn't even seem like the sort of person who would be attending university at all, for that matter. Whilst he was taking to this job particularly well, the slight issue with Mingyu was that he seemed to be very ditzy and clumsy right from the start. In the few picks that he'd done, he'd managed to find the item easily from the descriptions on the headset, but he'd almost fallen off the ladder in the process, and on more than one occasion he'd tripped over his own feet on his way through the warehouse. I was rather concerned about him, to be honest. And then there was the way that he seemed slow when I spoke to him. He seemed to forget to listen when I was explaining what he needed to do next, and I would end up having to explain it several times. He forgot that he was allowed to go to the bathroom whenever he felt like it and that we were in an adult job, rather than being in school, and he completely ignored me when I told him that his coffee was hot, which resulted in him burning his tongue. Yet, he was somehow going to one of the top universities in Korea and was studying a degree that required additional entrance exams.

I ended up deciding that perhaps it wasn't the best topic to continue discussing, since I figured that I would probably end up slipping up at some point and revealing to him that I didn't really expect that he would have been accepted into such a good university. So we ended up moving on to his family. It was sometimes a bit of a sensitive topic, but he seemed so happy when discussing them that I knew it was a safe bet for him. His father had left when he was little, but his sister and mother were all he needed. They were both very supportive and loving, and it meant that living with them whilst he was studying was still a huge breeze. He didn't need to wrorry about them distracting him or making him do things whilst he was in the middle of studying, which he appreciated a lot. The added bonus, though, was that they also had a little dog called Aji, who was always there to make him feel better when he'd had a rough day. Mingyu then snuck out his phone so that he could show me a photo of him cuddling her, and I swear my heart melted instantly. Not only was he incredibly attractive, sweet and a bit dorky, but he also showed genuine love and appreciation to his pet dog. It was the normality that I loved more than anything in the entire world; men who cared for their pets above anything else.

As you've probably guessed by this point, I ended up developing a bit of a soft spot for him pretty quickly. I was so thankful for the fact that Seungcheol had allowed me to train him, since it meant that I was able to get to know him well right away and claim him for myself without anyone else trying to get in the way, and so I ended up developing a bit of a plot in order to get where I wanted to be with him in the end.

We went on break together when Minghao finally got into work at one o'clock and whilst I would usually take my break elsewhere so that the new member of staff would be able to have some time to diffuse, I couldn't help but go into the break room and sit with him. Our conversation continued as he told me that his mom had made him a healthy lunch that morning, just so that he wouldn't end up getting sick from not taking care of his body, and then he promptly whipped out a bento-style lunch. It was strange to see something so obviously Pokemon-themed in a grown adult's lunchbox, but it was still something that I admired a lot. His rice had been shaped to look like a Snorlax and the little teacake that came along with the meal was in the shape of a Pikachu. There were a few other bits and pieces too, but I haven't really been into Pokemon since I was around six or seven so I couldn't even tell you what sort of things it included. What impressed me the most, though, was that he didn't seem to be embarrassed in the slightest. He started to eat his omelette without worrying that I was judging him, and so I happily opened my lunchbox without worrying about the judgement either.

It only took a moment for me to catch him eyeing the bulgogi up but when I did realise, I was quick to offer him a bit. He seemed reluctant to start with, but then I lifted some with my chopsticks and he happily took it with his own. He seemed to genuinely enjoy it, which I loved, and so I took my first bite of it. As expected, Seungcheol - or perhaps his mother - had done an excellent job with the dish and I absolutely adored it. I ate it in record time and it was probably the best dish I'd eaten in months by that point. It had the authenticity of a home meal without being too unlike a professionally-made dish, and that's what I loved.

When I'd finished eating, though, I looked up to see that Mingyu had been putting little bits of his food to one side for me. As soon as I noticed, he gently pushed it towards me and told me to eat it because he'd taken a bit of my food and he didn't want me to go hungry and despite my attempts at rejecting it, he continued to insist that I take it until eventually I caved and ate the food that he'd given me. Likewise, that dish tasted delicious too. It must have been a motherly thing, I figured, and so I informed him that he should thank his mom for me. Mingyu simply broke into a grin and told me that he'd thank her right away. By the time we'd finished eating, she had texted him back to thank me for trying her food too, and that she was glad that her son shared so readily. I couldn't help but laugh; it was probably the most motherly thing I'd heard in quite some time, but it was so endearing that I couldn't help but feel soft and warm as a result of hearing him reading it out to me.

Then at the end of our break, we simply got back to work. Same tasks, same chance to talk when we realised that there was nothing to do. A few of the till and collection staff occasionally made their way over so that he could chat with them too, but it was usually just the two of us discussing whatever came to mind at that point in time. And I loved it. The one big thing was that Mingyu had decided to jump straight to it and start flirting with me after the food sharing in the break room. I think he knew right away that sharing food was past the expected level of intimacy for two new colleagues, and so he'd inferred that I must be okay with us getting much closer over a much shorter period of time. Whilst usually it would be a huge assumption to make from something that was as innocent as sharing food, I could hardly say that I was complaining this time. I loved the fact that he was starting to get flirty with me. I loved how he flashed me sweet smiles every time we made eye contact and that he would help me to get items from high shelves when I was too lazy to get a ladder. He obviously didn't need to do that at all and I didn't expect him to behave in that sort of way, but it allowed for those little touches that made my entire body tingle with desire. You know the sort; his front brushing against my back and his fingers touching mine. Those were the sorts of things that made me want to take things further before I'd even properly gotten to know him, even though I already technically had a little thing with Seungcheol already.

Now, I wish I could tell you that it didn't go anywhere. I wish I could say that I realised how I preferred Seungcheol and I'd ended up going home with him instead, which had ultimately resulted in us discussing where things were heading. I would confess my interest in Mingyu and tell him that it was momentary but I was in fear that I would end up developing genuine feelings for him, and Seungcheol would quickly grow defensive. He would tell me that he wanted me more than he wanted to create space between us, and so we would end up deciding to take things slow. I wish that was how things turned out, but it was far from the reality of the situation.

I actually ended up going home with Mingyu that night. He'd told me that he was staying until five o'clock, and so I informed him that I was due to finish at the same time. He asked me if I'd driven into work or something and then his eyes lit up as soon as I told him that actually, I didn't drive. He drove, he said, and so he was willing to give me a lift home if I was up for that. Of course, I'm not really the most energetic person and I didn't really want to take a fifteen-minute walk home if I could get there in five minutes in someone's car and bond with them along the way, so I ended up accepting. But then the plan changed as soon as I was in the car. He wanted to watch a movie but he didn't want to go alone, and so I naturally offered to go with him. So we went back to my place so that I could change out of my uniform and he could slip into some clothes that he'd had in the boot of his car, and then I promptly wished my parents a good evening as we made our way straight back out of the house again. He took me to the cinema and paid for the entire thing, and then we spent the majority of it in each other's arms. It was a romance film, after all, and it had done the trick in increasing the feelings of intimacy between Mingyu and I, right there and then.

After that, I expected that he would drop me off at the doorstep and head back home, but then he offered to get me dinner and I could hardly refuse. Instead of getting something fancy, though, we ended up making our way to the nearest Seven Eleven and snatching up whatever reduced food we could find. We ate it in his car, as a sort of picnic, which was actually a pretty fun idea. It meant that we could discuss anything and everything in a place where we weren't afraid of being overheard or judged by the people around us. We could be ourselves and it was completely fine. It was at that point that I realised how cute Mingyu was. He made dorky jokes and scrunched his nose up whenever he laughed, and it was the cutest thing I'd ever seen when he broke into a proud smile. I'd developed a crush on him in as little time as I'd spent introducing myself to him and I was completely unapologetic about it. Mingyu was the first boy to make me feel youthful and alive in such a long time, and I was certain that we'd clicked to the point where he could ask me to be his boyfriend on the spot and I'd agree.

In fact, he did. Once we'd finished eating, he asked me if I was in a relationship. I said that I wasn't, and so he asked me if he could be my boyfriend. Just like that, with a confidence that I'd never really imagined myself falling for. It was a strangely nice way of being asked. I couldn't help but break into a grin as I agreed to the request, and then Mingyu's smile grew to match mine. We promptly drove out to a country rode in the middle of nowhere so that we could watch the sun setting, and had ended up talking for a while as we watched stars starting to show in the sky above us. We chatted until it started to get dark and it seemed logical to start heading home, but then it ended up developing into rough, heat-of-the-moment sex in the back seat of his car. He didn't have any protection but he was a virgin at the time, so I ended up just giving in and letting him take me and finish inside. It was strangely filthy but simultaneously the sort of thing that I really needed to experience at that point in time. I was so desperate for attention that it didn't even matter who was taking me. It could have been him, Seungcheol, any of the other managers or any of my colleagues, or even some random guy who I'd met at a club. It wasn't a bit deal who the person to take me was, but it was just a huge added bonus that it ended up being someone who genuinely attracted me.

And yes, it did happen that quickly. By ten o'clock that night - half a day after we'd first met - I was completely naked in his arms. We were laid in the back seat of his car, having given up on moving a long time ago, and my head was on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat under by ear. It was slower than I'd expected, especially since we'd only finished ravaging each other minutes beforehand, but I was hardly going to complain. I didn't want to move and neither did he. It was the perfect way to start a relationship, as far as my younger self was concerned, and so I didn't even care that we were probably moving way too fast. Those sorts of things don't matter to children. If you're not concerned about paying taxes or having a family or the stresses of not being able to afford your next meal, you probably won't be all that bothered about having unprotected sex in the back seat of your new boyfriend's car, having only met him the same day that you started dating. It seems bizarre for someone of my age now, but it was acceptable back then. Besides, it's not something that I can take back now and by this point, it's simply a matter of life for Yoon Jeonghan.

It took a while for us to decide to go home in the end. For some reason, we'd clicked to the point where neither of us was all that willing to part ways. It seemed strange to be so attached to a person so quickly, but I actually rather liked that we'd jumped straight into it. It seemed natural to take the plunge with someone I really liked, instead of being worried that I wasn't ready for that sort of thing. It was nice, too. When we were together, I knew that Mingyu genuinely appreciated me. That much was clear right from the start. He not only showed it by telling me that he was attracted to me out loud, but also through his actions. He stroked my hand on the way home, occasionally glancing over to make sure that I was still okay with everything and not having a complete meltdown after having slept with someone I barely knew, and then walked me right to my front door. And then, when we got to the doorstep, he gave me the most cliche kiss I'd ever experienced.

He leant down in a way that forced us to take things slowly. I couldn't really move in a way that would make the kiss happen quicker - at least not without hurting Mingyu - and so I simply stayed still as he pressed our lips together. He held it for a few seconds, just enough to leave me craving more from him, and then slowly pulled away so that my lips were left with the lingering sensation of his. It wasn't the most breath-taking kiss, but it still left my heart rising in my throat. It was a loving kiss, I suppose; one that seemed to be there for me to snatch away the loneliness that had been left behind by Seungcheol. I wanted a relationship with someone and now I was going to have what I wished for, whether it was with him or not. I did feel somewhat bad when we parted and I saw Kim Mingyu in front of me instead of Choi Seungcheol, but I figured that it was probably for the best that I move on, rather than dwelling on a boy who seemed reluctant to be with me. Or at least that was what I told myself at the time. It was how I justified it, even though it was probably far from the reality of the situation. Just another normal little thing that teenagers in love do, even though it's pretty problematic and usually opens up a completely different can of worms on the spot.

We ended up wishing each other a good night after the kiss, and then I promptly slinked into my parents' house where I made a beeline straight for my room. I didn't know whether my parents were still awake because they wanted to be or whether it was so that there would be someone around to help me if something bad happened - which they were still in the habit of doing, even though I was a grown adult - but I wasn't exactly in the mood to spend time talking to them about that sort of thing. Besides, what could I tell them? "I went out with a boy I'd only met today and the reason why I'm so late back and smell of semen is that we had sex in the back of his car and had neither condoms nor wipes." No, that would end up going very badly and I didn't know how I would be able to handle the rant about safe sex that would follow.

So instead, I texted Jisoo about it. It's just the sort of thing that best friends do. Without any context whatever, I sent him this message: "This new guy from work took me out to watch a film and have dinner and now I have a boyfriend and have spent over an hour of my life on my back for him." Over the top and begging for attention, right? That was the aim at the time, in hopes that it would prompt a response from him, and soon that response came as my screen lit up with a photo of Jisoo and I at a staff social night. It signified that he was calling me. I couldn't help but smile as I swiped up to accept the call, and then promptly moved it to my ear so that I could start to explain the warm bubbly feeling that came alongside the scandal that I'd created for myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is one of a few little surprises that I have lined up for you all, but I'm not going to reveal them until they come along!! Sorry for this and the fact that it's appearing so suddenly, but frankly it's how some relationships turn out and I never said that things would be easy for JeongCheol!!
> 
> Hope you enjoy and thank you for reading!! <3


	8. Chapter 8

I was in my own little bubble when I finally got back to work, but it was burst pretty damn quickly when I saw Seungcheol.

I knew right away that he knew what had happened between Mingyu and I after he had finished his first shift. I'm not sure who he would have found that sort of information from, but I just knew that he was aware of the situation between us. We made eye contact across the warehouse and I knew right away that someone had told him. So I simply acted normal. I put my headset on and made my way over to him as it was setting itself up, and the proceeded to try some small talk on him. "How has your weekend been?" I asked him once we were close enough. Seungcheol visibly seemed to be uncomfortable, but he answered nonetheless.  
"It's not been the worst weekend, I guess. We went to visit my nana's grave on Saturday once I finished work but as you can probably guess, I've been working all weekend, just as I do every weekend. You know the drill. How was yours?" The question came out sounding forced and awkward, and I didn't really know how to approach giving him an answer. I think he already knew what I was doing that weekend - or rather, _who_ I was doing that weekend - and so it seemed a little bit weird to give an answer to the question. Nevertheless, though, I figured that it would be best to get it out there as quickly as possible in order to avoid letting things get even tenser between us.

"Uh, I actually spent the weekend with Mingyu," I told him. It obviously confirmed anything that Seungcheol had heard that weekend, and I instantly saw his heart breaking through his eyes.  
"Oh," he said flatly, although he obviously tried his hardest to try and seem interested. "Are you and Mingyu, you know...?" I gave a nod, and Seungcheol forced a smile. It wasn't the most convincing smile and we both knew it, but I wasn't really prepared to call him out for being so unenthusiastic when we both knew why he was so down over it. "I'm happy for you," Seungcheol said. And that was it. No other comment, nothing about whether I had a good time and what we did. He didn't confront me at all or act as if I had done him wrong by picking someone else over him, even though he looked as if he was incredibly upset about it. To start with, I felt really bad, but then I figured that I didn't owe him anything and so I shouldn't have to feel as if I did. After all, even though we had discussed the prospect of getting into a relationship, it wasn't something that was going to happen for a long time, so I simply found someone else who wanted me there and then. I didn't owe Seungcheol anything, and I didn't need to feel as if I had already signed myself up for a lifetime with him. Sure, we had messed around together a few times, but it didn't really mean much at all.

Yet, I still had a weird underlying feeling in my gut when I saw him. As much as Seungcheol tried to remain professional and acted as if it wasn't a big deal to him, I knew that he was really hurt by the fact that I was in a relationship with someone else. Not even just that, but also that I hadn't even told him personally. He had to rely on other people telling him that I was seeing someone else, and that must have hurt him more than anything. And to have to wait for three days to find out from me personally was a big deal for him. Looking back on it, I regret not telling him earlier, or at least for waiting for a few days to talk to him in person about it. Sure, I didn't owe him anything, but at the same time it was just courtesy to tell him before I made things official with Mingyu that although I was attracted to him and thought that perhaps a relationship would work between us, I didn't really want to pursue one with him. I'm sure that he would have taken it a lot better that way than he did when I was simply throwing it at him without having ever suggested that I was going to see other people. We had something special and we both knew that, but I had essentially thrown it all into the bin by not telling him that I had feelings for someone else too.

For the most part, we stayed away from each other during that shift. Seungcheol went upstairs so that he could help Seokmin with picking, whilst I stayed downstairs and helped with handing items out to customers. It was a decent way to start a shift, although it quickly got a bit messy when Mingyu eventually rolled up to work. By that point, it seemed as if everyone knew what was happening between us. As I've mentioned before, rumours spread around the workplace at record speed. If you're seen getting into someone's car and there's a little bit of chemistry between the two of you, you have to expect that any little bit of evidence to suggest your relationship with them will be used against you soon enough. And it had quickly been confirmed that we were in a relationship, so it had spread like wildfire. He entered the workplace looking happy and upbeat, but the tension in the workplace was so obvious that it was difficult to ignore. In the end, he asked someone what was wrong, and so they immediately asked him what was going on between me and him on the spot. He said that we were seeing each other, so they had to come and ask me too. I confirmed that we were together, and so everyone knew within a matter of minutes.

But we were back in our own little bubble once his headset was on. It was my job to train him some more, and so we ended up spending four hours together as he tried to get the hang of it. Admittedly, he was a lot better with the headset that time than he had been during his first shift. He remembered how to do a lot of it very well, and he could do the basic picking with no problems at all. I think that overall, he managed to get through the four-hour shift whilst only being unable to find two or three items. Which was pretty good going, seeing as he wasn't all that experienced at searching for the items. He was fitting in rather nicely already, and he was incredibly smart when it came to problem-solving in the workplace. If he had any issues, he would try to come up with a solution and then call me right away to confirm whether he was right or not. I ended up teaching him a few new things too, like processing returns, which we hadn't looked at on his first shift. I taught him how to print off a list of the outstanding viewed and returned items, and then we proceeded to search for everything that wasn't in the returns bay. It took around twenty minutes, but we eventually ended up finding everything and it gave me the opportunity to show him where to look for different items too. Jewellery returns were usually placed underneath the jewellery tills, electronics returns were usually left underneath the tills, other items were sometimes left in the collection zone area, and sometimes they got muddled up with the damaged or insurance-claim items. By the time we'd finished, Mingyu was feeling even more confident with his work.

At that point, he told me that he was going to have to go, but he was more than happy to pick me up after work and get me something to eat. Although we were fresh into our relationship, I did like to be around him a lot more than I liked to be around my family, who I knew would ask questions if I ended up slipping up and revealing any information about our relationship, and so I ended up spending a lot of time at his house. Of course, I agreed to go to his place right away, and so he pressed his lips to mine for a second before switching off his headset and happily trotting away. For a few seconds, I was left to bask in the sensation of novelty that still came alongside his kisses, although it was quickly cut short when I heard someone clearing their throat behind me.

I immediately spun around to see Jisoo stood behind me. His eyebrows were raised, but he seemed to be more amused than anything. I couldn't help but smile and move towards him to hug him tightly, and so he hugged me back before creating enough distance between us to look into my eyes. "Mr Yoon, do you care to explain what I just happened to see between you and the new guy right there? After you said that you were going to keep it low-key when you're at work?" he asked, and I couldn't help but break into a shameful smile as I dropped my head.  
"I can't help myself. He's just so loving towards me, and even though I wanted to keep it a secret, it was already spread around the place before we got to work this morning so it isn't like anyone is finding out anything new by us kissing."  
"And you didn't tell me he's this handsome earlier because?"  
"I thought you would think that I'm hitting on attractive guys so that I can work my way around the company or something." 

It was a weak excuse but it was the only one that I could give. Jisoo let out a little tut as he reached a hand up to stroke my hair. "You already told me what got you interested in him, remember? Besides, it's hardly like it's my business whether you only date one person for the rest of your life, or whether you fuck your way through the entire company. And when have I ever judged you for your decisions like that, hm? I'm here to support you whatever you do, as your best friend. I respect you enough to call you out properly in a sensitive, tasteful way if you're being a little shit, don't I?" As much as I wanted to deny it, I had to give a little nod in response. I knew that he wasn't afraid to call me out. If he knew that I was intentionally trying to hurt Seungcheol by seeing someone else, it would be a completely different story and he would certainly tell me in private that I was being a little bitch. Jisoo was a fair person and even though he didn't judge for the most part, he also wasn't prepared to let his best friend become an asshole. I really appreciated that about him; it was like tough love, in a way, but it was something that only came out when it was necessary to come out. He wasn't going to tell me how to live my life if I was happy and no one else was getting hurt but at the same time, he wasn't really going to let me become that person that everyone hated either. It was a perfect balance, and I really loved that about him.

"So, how did you tell Seungcheol that you're seeing someone else?" he asked. I couldn't help but wince, knowing straight away that he _was_ going to judge me just a little bit for this approach to the situation.  
"Actually, he asked me about it this morning. I think someone else told him, not knowing that we had a little thing going on." I instantly saw a flash of fire in Jisoo's eyes, although it quickly drained away and he returned to his neutral expression.  
"Did you not think to tell him about it, or was there something else?" I didn't really know what to say. Even I didn't know why I didn't tell him earlier. It was a mix of factors really, between not wanting to tell him via text and not really wanting to tell him at all because I was in fear of his reaction. Of course, I ended up offering the first factor up to Jisoo in hopes that it would make me sound like less of a shitty person and thankfully, it seemed to work pretty well. "I'm glad that you took a little bit of responsibility in that sense," Jisoo told me, "It's a mature way to go about it, although it's unfortunate that someone else got there first and told him in your place. I hope they feel bad about it."

As you can probably expect, we ended up discussing absolutely everything about what had gone down with Mingyu. I told him about how we'd ended up going on dates and had ended up rolling into bed together no less than eight times over the weekend, and Jisoo honestly seemed amazed. To start with, he didn't know what to say, but then the first words that came out of his mouth were to do with being safe. "He was a virgin before we got together, and he'd never come in contact with anyone else, so I doubt he has any STIs," I told him. Jisoo's lips immediately pursed.  
"Actually, I meant Seungcheol. I'm guessing that he'd probably be clean, but you did have oral sex with him without protection and you were drunk at the time, so I doubt you would have even taken it in if he did show signs of infection. And then you sucked Mingyu off a few times, right?" I gave a slight nod in response, feeling the embarrassment starting to tickle my ears. I suddenly felt disgusting, not only because I had potentially given my new boyfriend an STI but also because I'd messed around with two guys in such close proximity that I hadn't even considered that I could have been passing something on to either of them. I swear, I could have died from embarrassment on the spot, but then Jisoo quickly moved forward to hug me close to his chest as he told me that he was there for me regardless. He was happy to take me to a sexual health clinic and he always carried spare condoms around in case someone he knew needed one, so he offered to give me some for when I went home with Mingyu that night, just to be safe.

It stayed on my mind throughout the day, though. I didn't really know what to do with myself. My break was spent researching where the nearest sexual health clinic was, and then I arranged to meet Jisoo the following morning to go there together. I thought about how I would tell Mingyu and Seungcheol if I had anything, even going so far as to plan out my explanation. Then I had to try to perk myself back up again when Mingyu finally came to pick me up after work. We ended up getting take-out for dinner and sitting in his car to eat it, and then he quietly asked me if I wanted to go somewhere and screw him, just to get it out of the way. After all, his younger sister had walked in on him choking me and pounding me into the mattress that weekend, and it was probably the last thing he really wanted to have to explain to his family. Sure, she probably wouldn't say anything to their parents, but if his sister didn't knock, the rest of his family probably wouldn't either. The last thing he wanted was for his mom to catch us in bed together, especially when Mingyu had insisted to her that we were going to be taking it slow. I'm sure that she would have kicked me out on the spot. So we ended up driving to a secluded place again and clambering into the backseat, where Mingyu promptly undressed me and got to work.

I considered suggesting condoms to him, but then I guessed that perhaps it would be a bit of a mistake. After all, he would have probably caught it from me already if I was infected by anything, and so he could hardly get infected again. It would only cause unnecessary stress for him if I was to suddenly announce that I didn't know whether I was clean, and so I simply pretended that nothing was wrong at all. He scrambled on top of me, and so we ended up going for two or three rounds right there. When we were done, we spend a few minutes laid in each other's arms before finally getting back into the front and continuing on our journey home.

Even when we went to bed, though, the thought of being unclean stayed in my mind. I felt as if I was a waste of space for having been so easy to get into bed, but it was something that I couldn't even take back. I couldn't pretend that I hadn't been with Seungcheol, and there was no way to act as if I hadn't been sleeping with Mingyu either. It was like a weird sort of limbo until the next day, when Mingyu finally dropped me at Jisoo's house and left with just a kiss on the lips. We would meet again at work the following day, so there was no reason for him to go too far with the goodbyes, and I was honestly so thankful for that. The last thing I really needed to do was feel even worse about the fact that I was secretly going to a sexual health clinic.

Jisoo made sure to take me without mentioning what had happened between Mingyu and I. By that point, I think he already knew that it was going to be a sore spot and so he didn't really want to risk bringing it up and making me feel uncomfortable. My heart was in my throat all the way there, and I couldn't sit still in the waiting room either. Jisoo made sure to hold my hand, but it didn't really do much to calm me when I was already on edge as it was.

They called my name soon after we arrived and invited me into the room. I won't go into the exact details of what happened, but it was probably the most uncomfortable experience of my entire life. It involved swabs and blood tests and questions about sexual partners, and then they sent them to be checked straight away so that I could have that peace of mind right away. I was hoping more than anything that it would come back fine, obviously, but the doctor assured me that any issues could be fixed with no problem at all. They could give me medication or something so that I wouldn't have to deal with it for much longer, and they would be able to help me tell my recent partners about my current health status.

Which ended up being particularly comforting as it turned out that I had chlamydia.

It was humiliating, even though the doctor did what he could to comfort me. I ended up having to get a course of antibiotics and then go home with Jisoo. I swear, I spent the first few hours crying because not only did I have my first STI, but Jisoo was also right about the fact that I needed to be careful when sleeping with multiple people within a small timeframe. I didn't know what to do with myself. Everything just felt awful at that point in time. I couldn't believe that I'd caught something from Seungcheol after unprotected oral sex, but it was the reality of the situation. Or so I thought.

When I text him to say that I had chlamydia and he needed to get himself tested because I was sure that I'd caught it from him, I didn't really know what to expect. Instead of getting angry or upset with me, though, he simply told me that he was clean before we got together but he would check anyway. So I ended up telling Mingyu that he needed to get tested and he might have had it dormant in his body for some time. Of course, he ended up going to a doctor and finding out that he was positive too, so he started on a course of antibiotics, but he claimed that he hadn't even seen another person's genitals in person before so he didn't know how he could have possibly contracted it and passed it on to me. Then Seungcheol messaged to say that he was positive too, and that I must have had it before I got with him or something because he hadn't been with anyone else since.

So it turned out that I'd caught it from someone else a while ago, but I'd never really caught on to the fact that I had it. There were no symptoms so I could have caught it at any point over a three year period since my last STI scare, either through long-term partners who hadn't told me about their sexual health problems or through brief flings. It was humiliating to think that I could have had it for that long and not known, but it was still a relief to know that it could be treated, thanks to Jisoo's help.

Anyway, the first thing Seungcheol said to me when he told me in person was that I needed to get Mingyu tested too. He said that he'd talk to him if I was too nervous to mention it, just in case I was concerned that he would leave me over something like that. It was his first thought, and honestly it made my heart sting to know that even though he was clearly hurt by the fact that I started seeing someone else, he wasn't prepared to be malicious towards my new boyfriend. In fact, he looked relieved when I told him that I'd already mentioned it to Mingyu and we were both on a course of antibiotics, and then he proceeded to remind me about not having sex whilst we waited for a clear test.

That was the big issue, though. He was only repeating what the doctors had told us, but it was a huge struggle. We were told to avoid any sexual contact whatsoever, even with condoms, and we weren't really supposed to rub against each other without clothes or sleep naked together either. My infection had spread to the point where general contact could trigger a flare up again, and so the last thing we wanted to do was create a string of antibiotic-resistant chlamydia bacteria. We completely agreed with that. It was probably for the best anyway, not only for us but for the safety of any future partners. So we decided to try to hold back for a week as we cleaned ourselves up, but it was actually a lot harder than we imagined in practice. Whilst it seemed like a great idea beforehand, the issue was that since we got together, we'd been in each other's trousers over and over again. If either of us was in the mood even slightly, we would be in bed together. It was the curse of our situation. I had been without proper sex for around two years - excluding the oral sex with Seungcheol and a few drunken affairs in which I ended up grinding naked with strangers - and he had never touched another person in his life. It meant that we were in a position in which we both wanted as much of each other as possible. There was no feeling like we needed to stop or slow it down because it was new for him and it was something I'd been craving for months.

And so it was painfully hard to get through that week. Our hands were still all over each other at any given opportunity, but we knew that we weren't able to make direct physical contact and that made things excruciatingly difficult to handle. I could sense Mingyu's intense sexual frustration all week, especially when we'd had difficult shifts at work. As time went on, Mingyu was being given longer and longer shifts, and that meant that the sexual tension between us during the quiet periods developed incredibly quickly. By the time we hit Thursday, we were left grinding in the back of his car without even having left the staff carpark at work. Mingyu's lips were all over me and my hands were on his thighs, drawing him closer. He pressed his hips down against me and I let out a noise before flipping the positions so that I was sat on his lap. At that point, though, I looked up and happened to make direct eye contact with Seungcheol, who had just locked up the side entrance of the store. He wasn't looking towards the car to start with but when I saw him there, his head quickly snapped around and he saw me too. Mingyu's lips were still on my neck at that point, which made it even worse. Seungcheol paused for a moment, not really knowing what to do with himself, but then he simply offered a weak smile before continuing to walk away from where we were sat.

That incident stayed in my mind for days after that. I ended up asking Mingyu if he could drop me back at my parents' house, under the premise that I thought I was going to end up giving in to temptation if I went home with him, but when I got there I simply laid on my bed and cried. I hated the fact that I'd fallen for someone so fast, and I hated it even more that Seungcheol wasn't even angry with me over it. Sure, he seemed upset, but I couldn't pretend that he was a bad person if he was only upset. I needed him to lash out at me or get possessive so that I could have an excuse to steer clear of him. At least that way, I wouldn't feel as if I was ruining something that could have happened between us. The way that he was responding to it so gently and delicately, with consideration for both mine and Mingyu's feelings, was so mature and that was what I hated more than anything.

My philosophy had, up until that point, been that if you thought you were in love with someone but then fell in love with someone else, you should choose the second person because you wouldn't have fallen for them if you truly had feelings for the first person. This was certainly testing that philosophy and, as you can imagine, I dropped it soon afterwards. I think I knew at that point that I had genuine feelings for Seungcheol, and it wasn't even like my feelings for Mingyu were stronger than my feelings for him. It just happened that Mingyu wanted to be my boyfriend and take me on dates and make love to me whenever we were in the mood. I didn't like the thought of taking things slowly. When I was in my early twenties, I wanted to rush into everything. My parents had married by the time they were my age, and they were expecting my older sister by the time they were twenty-three. By the time they were twenty-six, they were expecting me too. But here I was at twenty-two years old without a house or a long-term relationship, and I certainly didn't have a family on the horizon either. I think that that was why I rushed into things with Mingyu so quickly without even having the chance to properly get to know him or anything. It was just a relief that he was a good person, even though Seungcheol had the maturity that would probably ground me and help me to start a proper adult relationship.

But I couldn't back down. I had chosen Mingyu. We were in a relationship. We did all of those things that couples typically did, and I knew that even though we were too early in our relationship to say that we loved each other, Mingyu really liked me a lot. And I liked him, obviously; it wasn't a one-sided relationship that I'd started out of spite. We were attracted to each other, and my selfish mind was just too stubborn to accept that I couldn't have both Seungcheol and Mingyu at the same time.

I ended up crying myself to sleep that night. I considered crying again in the morning too when I thought about the hurt on Seungcheol's face when he caught us getting frisky in Mingyu's car, but the unscheduled crying episode was quickly pushed back when my mom knocked on the door. "I noticed that you were upset last night and thought it was best to leave you to get on with it, but I've made you breakfast this morning and wondered if you wanted to talk it through with me," she announced as she made her way into the room. She placed down a tray on the bed, containing a bowl of sweet rice, some smoked ham, yoghurt, and a few grilled pieces of fruit. A bit of a weird mix, but it was the sort of comfort food I needed. She then kissed me on the forehead and asked if I wanted to talk about why I was so upset, and so everything spilt out right away.

By the time I'd finished, I was in a state again and my mom was cuddled up against me. She gently stroked my hair as she tried to comfort me and occasionally kissed my hair. "You know, it doesn't matter whether you love lots of people or no one, Jeonghan," she told me once I'd finished telling her everything. Up until that point, she had stayed quiet in order to allow me to get everything out, so it was comforting to hear her thoughts like that. "You can spend your life thinking you're into women and actually be into men, or vice versa. You can think that someone is perfect for you and then find out they're toxic, or you could find out that the perfect person for you is the person you've overlooked for years. You could be with Mingyu now and realise that Seungcheol is the only one who truly has your heart in a few years. You could stay with Mingyu for the rest of your life and either push your feelings for Seungcheol to the side or lose them over time. You might even decide that you don't want anything permanent with either of them. Relationships change and so do your feelings. Don't limit yourself just because of how you think you ought to be."

Although I struggled to take the advice onboard in the end, it's still probably the most solid advice I've ever received, and it did help me through the difficulty that hit me once I realised that I might have been too quick to jump into a relationship.


	9. Chapter 9

As you can probably imagine, it didn't take long at all for me to realise that I wanted Seungcheol a bit more than I wanted Mingyu. With Mingyu, the focus was primarily on the physical side to relationships, but Seungcheol made me feel things emotionally. And as much as Mingyu was a bit of a social being too, his inference skills quite frankly sucked. I didn't really know how to effectively communicate my feelings to him sometimes in a way that he would understand, and occasionally I felt as if most of his smarts were rooted very specifically in his degree.

I still had feelings for him, though, so I stayed. He was a goofball and he was, quite frankly, adorable. His entire face would light up if I started to discuss his topics of interest, and the way that he smiled so widely meant that his ears would rise up a little bit too. It was the most precious smile that I'd ever seen in my life, and it was a smile that I wanted to keep. Then there was the way that he would always tuck me into bed whenever we stayed at each other's houses. He knew how I liked it when I had the duvet wrapped around the front of my body, so he would make sure to tuck it around me like that so that I felt safe and secure. _Then_ there was the way that he would kiss me. Even during sex, he would usually kiss me so gently that I felt my heart fluttering in my chest. It was pure. I never really thought that I would find a grown man who kissed me in such a child-like way, but it was something that genuinely made me happy. He was the sort of guy who would make the perfect romantic partner, but just not for me on a long-term basis.

The problem, however, was the fact that Seungcheol suddenly got very awkward with me once we'd sorted the chlamydia issue out. Of course, he still spoke to me and made sure not to allow it to disrupt our work, but he was suddenly very formal with me and it was rather uncomfortable. He made sure to address me with vocabulary that was suggesting that I was above him but in a way that almost came across as rude. I was younger than him by four years and he was in a position of authority over me, but he still used vocabulary that was of high formality and high respect. It was something that I didn't really expect from him, and it really came across that our relationship was over for good. People don't just switch from informal speech with lower-end respect to formal speech with high respect. If anything, he should have simply moved to informal speech with higher-end respect to show that we were still very much familiar with each other and not complete strangers, but also that we had that age and work experience gap. I'm sure that the people around us noticed how tense his change of address was, too, and so it ended up earning us some concerned glances from the people around us in the end.

That was probably one of the biggest reasons why I maintained my relationship with Mingyu. I wanted to spite Seungcheol, in a way. I wanted him to know that if he was going to treat me so impolitely, I was going to show him that other people could make me happier than he did. It didn't matter that I gave him chlamydia and he needed to be tested; what seemed to bother him the most was the other factors. The idea that Mingyu and I were having sex on a regular basis, even though we were two consenting adults in an adult relationship, in which we could do those sorts of adult things. The fact that we were kissing and touching each other and he just happened to see us. The fact that I asked him to refrain from making me lunch because I felt bad about not being able to kiss him anymore as a way of thanking him for the efforts that he put into making something very delicious and nutritional for me to eat. I think it all upset him when combined into one big mish-mash of uncomfortable feelings but even so, I do also feel that it was none of his business what I did when I was in a relationship with another man.

Of course, his attitude meant that I was simply going to flaunt our relationship even more in front of him. If he was going to act like that around me, I figured that he deserved it. Again, I should point out that he didn't even seem angry at me so I had no real reason to resent him, so that was essentially my attempt at making him flip. Every time I was around Mingyu, I made sure to make physical contact in any way I could. It didn't matter whether Seungcheol was around or not; I needed to turn it into a habit so that it wouldn't seem weird if I did that sort of thing around him. Mingyu would expect it and it would seem normal to everyone else around us, so it would only really bother Seungcheol. That was the aim, after all. The touches were subtle but still very much there, with occasional little touches and taps to his shoulders and cheeks, and I even made a point of wrapping my arms around him here and there.

When Seungcheol saw it, he gave the desired reaction immediately. He stared at us, taking in the sight of me holding Mingyu from behind and touching his hands when they were on the keyboard or mouse. I made sure to gaze as lovingly as I could at Mingyu, just to add a bit more salt to the wound, and made a specific point of avoiding even glancing at Seungcheol so that it made it seem that bit more authentic. If he thought that I was doing it just to spite him, the effect would be significantly weakened, and so I needed to avoid letting it come across in that manner as much as possible.

Even so, he didn't break down in the slightest. Sure, I could see the disappointment on his face out of the corner of my eye, but he never once brought it up with me. He never told me to stop constantly touching Mingyu, and he never called me out over the fact that I would get him to help me with the big picks constantly. He didn't even seem as if he wanted to say anything about it either. Instead, he simply walked away. He turned around after a few seconds of watching us, and he made his way over to the delivery area of the warehouse. He busied his hands with labelling the parcels, and he didn't even glance over to me as I passed by him unless I specifically went over to ask him for help with something. And even then, he would sometimes still avoid looking at me as he answered the questions. It stung a bit to see him even being indirect when we were discussing work-related issues, but I could hardly call him out on it. He was my manager and I was his employee, and we weren't supposed to have really had the relationship that we had in the first place.

Now, before I move forward with this narrative, I need to make a point again. I need to point out that what I did when I was younger is not reflective of who I am now, and I deeply loathe the boy I was back then with an undying passion. Sometimes I look back on the things I did that had specific intent to hurt Seungcheol and I want to apologise to him for it all over again, but I know that it's passed now and the past is something I can't change. I can only move forward and become a better man in the future. This is the philosophy that I live by now, and it's something I need you to keep in mind whenever you read about the antics that my younger self took part in on a regular basis.

I decided, once I realised that I wasn't getting any reaction out of Seungcheol, that I would really hit home with him and make him ache. I needed to get something out of him, even if it was one little snap or an irritated remark, and so I arranged to discuss that sort of thing with a friend on the phone whilst I was on break. Seungcheol usually took his break at the same time every day; just after the early afternoon deliveries were sent out to their respective stores and homes. My plan was to go on break at the same time and take a call from a friend, who would ask me about everything that went on between Mingyu and I during our most recent date. Of course, I would go into as much detail as possible, including the details of our love life. It would be so intense that Seungcheol wouldn't be able to help himself. Unlike how he was responding with the newly-formal mode of address, what I was doing _did_ have the intent to be malicious, and so this should be kept in mind as you read this. I don't want you to see this and think that I was in the right for what I did because I certainly was not.

She called me as soon as I gave the word, and so I decided that I was going to take it in the break room. She started out by catching up with me about the little things, which caught Seungcheol's attention for just a moment, but then he quickly put his headphones in and presumably started to listen to music so that he wouldn't be able to hear what I was talking about. The connection was bad, though, so I was going to have to speak loudly for her to hear me anyway. I got louder and louder, and the momentary hint of irritation showed on Seungcheol's face for a moment before he promptly made a point of showing that he was turning the volume up on his phone. So then we got into the topic of conversation that I needed in order to make him annoyed, or at least a little bit jealous.

"How was the date with Mingyu?" she asked me, and I instantly broke into a smile. It sounded so natural that I felt as if my response could be natural too, and that was exactly what I needed in order to make it convincing.  
"It was probably the best date I've had yet," I said, noting how Seungcheol's eyes flashed towards me for a second. "We ended up going to my favourite restaurant and then watching a movie in his living room."  
"In his house? What about his mom and sister? Were they not around when you were there?"  
"Ah, they went out for the evening. Mingyu told them that he wanted to spend some time watching scary movies with me but I'm a bit of a screamer and got embarrassed about that pretty easily, so they thought I'd be more comfortable if they left for a few hours. Lucky that he mentioned the movie, though, because I'm actually a pretty big screamer in all aspects." I gave a laugh. Seungcheol's eyes flickered again. I could tell that he'd manually reduced the volume on his phone so that he could hear what I was talking about, although I made sure to pretend that I hadn't noticed.

"And how much of the movie did you actually watch in the end?" my friend asked. I couldn't help but let out a shy laugh in response.  
"You know me too well. We got around half an hour in before I asked him if he wanted to make out during the scary parts. So, as you can imagine, we ended up having sex before they'd even realised that the murders were being done with a thing, rather than a person." At the word 'sex', I glanced over at Seungcheol again. He was pretending to have stopped typing something to think for a moment and made a point of pulling a weird face to try to throw me off, but I knew right away that he was listening in. So I continued. "You know, his mouth always tastes so sweet and I don't know why. It's the nicest little thing, as if he's been eating hard candies or sweet fruit just before we start making out or something. I think it's really romantic, actually. You know how most mens' mouths taste stale an--"

At that point, Seungcheol ripped a headphone out of his ear and turned to address me. "I'm sorry, could I just mention something please?" he said to me. "I couldn't help but hear you over my music with the way that you were shouting, but it's something that I think you should really know right away."  
"Give me a moment please," I said to my friend before moving my phone away from my ear. I made sure to give the most irritated face that I could muster - as if I couldn't figure out why he would have the audacity to try to talk with me when I was clearly busy - in hopes that it would set him off properly.

"I just want to point out that you ought to check up on your boyfriend when his mouth tastes sweet." That was far from what I expected him to say, and I couldn't help but feel surprised as I stared at him in silence.  
"What?"  
"Mingyu has type one diabetes. If his mouth tastes sweet, it means that he has low blood sugar and needs to get something to eat. Did he not mention this to you?" I didn't know what to say at all. My mouth opened and closed a few times as I tried to form words, but nothing was happening. Sure, I got a reaction out of Seungcheol, but it wasn't something mean. It was something that was genuinely useful. And I didn't really know how to take it.  
"You've got to be messing with me," I finally said to him, "If he was diabetic, he would have told me beforehand."

"Well, have you thought about what sorts of things he eats when you're together?" he asked. _Of course_ I hadn't really thought about it. He was a relatively healthy-looking young boy of nineteen years old, with a good figure and no visible signs of illness. Why would I think about what he was eating and whether it would be reflective of the diet of someone who had diabetes? "Have you ever seen him drinking full sugar drinks? Have you seen him eating candy? What about ice cream or milkshakes?"  
"He ate ice cream with me once," I replied weakly.  
"And did he excuse himself afterwards?"

My entire face flushed with humiliation. He _did_ excuse himself, but I assumed that it was to go to the bathroom. I wasn't really going to question him over that sort of thing. What would I even say to him in response to his disappearance? "Oh, Mingyu! Did you just go to take a piss or something?" No. That would be absolutely ridiculous, and absolutely unnecessary. It wasn't my business what he did when he said he needed to disappear for a minute, and so I wasn't going to call him out on it or anything. "Why wouldn't he tell me that sort of thing, then?" I eventually asked Seungcheol. He simply gave a shrug before turning back to his phone.  
"I think it must have slipped his mind. He doesn't seem like the sort of man who would do that to his boyfriend to be cruel. And it's on all of his records, including the medi-bracelet that he has around his ankle, so it's hardly a secret or anything. I think it might be best if you read up on it online so that you know what to do in an emergency situation, though, because the last thing you want is for him to end up dropping on you when his blood sugars are too low and then you're stuck in a position in which you don't know what to do. In fact, I can even send you some links to useful websites if you'd like that."

As you can imagine, I ended up cutting off the call shortly afterwards and going outside for a walk so that I could call up Mingyu and ask him whether it was true. He instantly perked up as he told me that he must have forgotten to mention it and the reason why he slipped away to inject was because his friends were all uncomfortable with the sight of him whipping out a needle and stabbing it into his thigh mid-conversation, and so he assumed that everyone would be similarly uncomfortable with it. That was why he did it after every meal and after he'd had the occasional sugary treat too. I felt the humiliation start to trickle back as he told me about it and what I should do if he was to ever drop in front of me, and all I could think about the entire time was the fact that Seungcheol was looking out for my boyfriend more than I was able to. As much as I wanted him to do something that I could hate, he was simply showing me that he was the adult in the situation and he knew exactly how to handle a romantic interest being in a relationship with another person. There was no implication that he would wait for me to move on from my relationship with Mingyu, and there was no suggestion that he loathed me for picking someone else. He was just formal but helpful, and it left me seething.

So I decided to start an argument with him.

As soon as I had the kindling to start the fire, I did what I could to begin an argument with him over nothing. It was childish and rather pathetic, but I needed to go something to hate him, just for my own sanity. "Seungcheol," I called out as I made my way over to him. As usual, he didn't seem all that interested in talking with me, but proceeded to turn around anyway.  
"What's wrong?"  
"Why am I upstairs again today? I thought that it was supposed to be relatively equal so that I don't get bored of working here."

Seungcheol paused for a long moment and stared at me in silence, as if questioning why I was bothering him with such a ridiculous question. "Well, I had Soonyoung downstairs so that he could help on the shop floor too, seeing as he's not officially on headsets anymore but we're short on staff today, but by all means, go and ask him if he'll swap with you then."  
"So, I'll be doing two people's jobs if I'm down here, then? Why not call in more people if you're struggling that much; I'm sure that it's not fair on Soonyoung to have to take on so much responsibility all at once." Of course, he was quick to catch on, and immediately gave a sigh. I was too obvious, and I knew that I should have made my complaints more subtle, but it was something that I'd been so determined to do that I lost sight of how to go ahead with my attempt.  
"If you have an issue with the number of staff we have in today, I suggest that you go to the manager's office and talk it through with whoever is in there. Usually, there's a good reason, like a sickness that can't be covered by other staff. Now, you can either go upstairs and work on picks and home deliveries, or you can swap with Soonyoung and take over on downstairs picks, belt picks, fast-track, collection, and homes. It's completely up to you."

He wasn't prepared to argue with me over that sort of thing and I knew it. It was all my decision, and he was giving me full control. Of course, I had to throw my toys out of the pram. "I'm just getting sick of the way that it's run here," I complained, "I hate how the people on tills rarely actually do the jobs they're supposed to do, so every picker ends up being put in a shit position and we're stuck from that point onwards. I don't want to have to constantly worry that we're going to have a rush and everything's going to go downhill for whoever has the most picks coming through on their headsets."  
"Yeah, I completely understand that, but it's not something that I can fix. If you speak to one of the other managers, they can sort it out. Until then, I need you to choose where to go. Minghao finishes his shift in..." He paused to check the clock, "One minute, so I need him to be relieved from his position upstairs as soon as possible so that he can get home. Will you make your decision as quickly as you can and do what I ask please?"

I childishly stamped a foot in irritation. Seungcheol instantly spun around to face me. I could see that he was very quickly getting frustrated with me, although he tried his best to maintain composure. "Yoon Jeonghan, either you sort your shit out and do as I ask, or I'll be sending you home without pay today. It's your choice."  
"But you're already short on staff and said that you aren't able to get anyone else in to help."  
"Exactly. I'll be picking up your position instead of making the calls for delivery arrangement and setting up the transfers, which will end up having a huge knock-on effect on the rest of the business for the day. If it's not sorted by the time that Hansol comes in to get everything picked for this evening and tomorrow morning, he'll have well over four-hundred picks to do on his own. Do you want to put your fellow colleague in that position, hm?"

I couldn't complain. I knew that it would have a huge effect, and the last thing I wanted to do was add even more stress to Hansol. He was already struggling at home, so the last thing I wanted to do was make work a living hell for him too. I simply gave a nod and got straight to work without questioning anymore. It was past the time where Minghao was supposed to leave, so I wasn't prepared to keep him at work any longer by trying to wager with Soonyoung over who got to go upstairs and who stayed downstairs. Instead, I just went up there and informed him that he could go home before switching on my headset and starting the picks.

But then again, as much as I knew that it was wrong to irritate Seungcheol so much that he ended up snapping at me like that, it became a recurring theme over the following weeks. Every time I didn't like something that he said, I would make a point of starting an argument with him and doing what I could to make sure that he knew that I didn't like how he was in a position of authority over me. And it was obvious. It wasn't even the slightest bit subtle. Seungcheol knew that I was just trying to be annoying, and I knew that he knew what I was doing and wasn't prepared to crack and let me win.

In the end, though, he simply called me into the office to discuss it. I was reluctant to go in, but he was working longer than I was so I couldn't really run away. He was waiting to sign me out when I finished my shift and informed me that he would chat to me before I officially clocked out so that I wouldn't have to worry about not being paid for the extra few minutes. Of course, I knew that I couldn't really avoid it when he put it that way. I was being paid for up to a half hour of extra work, and that was something that I really needed at that point in time. So I followed him into the office and sat down in front of him as he took a seat in the manager's seat and leaned over the desk towards me. "Okay, so I'd just like to ask you if you have some sort of issue with me," he told me quietly. "Because I need to know that if it's something I'm doing that's prompting you to constantly act like a pain in the ass whenever we're on shift together. Everyone else has informed me that you don't complain to them, and so I can only assume that you have a very specific problem with me."

I stayed silent still. There was no answer. I didn't have a problem with him as such, but I had a problem with the fact that he didn't fall victim to my attempts to make him crack and have an argument with me. I had a problem with the fact that he was always the better person, even when he really shouldn't have been. That was something that I thought would have annoyed anyone in that situation, but it wasn't exactly something that I could really say to him out loud. After all, it sounded so childish and pathetic that it wouldn't have really worked as an excuse. So I simply waited until he finally spoke again. "Jeonghan, I'm thinking that it's best if we take different shifts from now on. What shifts do you prefer to take?"  
"Midday," I answered quietly. Seungcheol paused for a moment, not even speaking a word, but then he eventually gave a low hum in response.  
"So what I'm feeling is that I should probably take fewer hours so that you're only on with me for the bare minimum time. Or I'll try to swap jobs with one of the night-time delivery managers so that they can have normal shifts and I can work when you're not here."

My heart instantly dropped in my stomach, even though it didn't exactly have the right to react in such a way. I knew that I shouldn't be bothered by it in the slightest, but I really was. "That's not fair on you, though," I informed him, despite the fact that I was bothered more by the thought of not being around him, rather than having him take fewer shifts. "I'm sorry that I've been acting like a pain, but I don't want you to have to take fewer hours and not be able to afford your rent when I'm not even working for the sake of paying my bills." And then the silence resumed once again. It was telling me that there was a huge amount of tension between us, which was completely my fault. Seungcheol was a professional man who wouldn't have let that sort of thing affect him in a working environment, so I must have been the issue. It made me feel utterly useless when I realised that I was bothering him that much, and so I just let my head hang. "I really am sorry for the way I treated you. I didn't mean to start so many arguments; I must have been getting a bit too ahead of myself and too excitable."

It didn't quite make sense as an excuse, but Seungcheol refrained from calling me out on that. Instead, he ran a hand through his hair whilst keeping his eyes on my face the entire time. "I'm going to be completely honest with you, Jeonghan," he started, "I'm actually considering getting another job. You know that I've been facing financial issues, and I don't want to be in that position anymore. I also don't feel as if I'm as close to everyone else as I was beforehand, and so I think that it's best that I just leave. Would that make you more comfortable?"

As you can imagine, I panicked. I didn't expect it to go this far, and I certainly didn't imagine that he would ever announce his departure to me like that. He was just so good with work, having never called in sick or gone home early, and he was a valuable asset to the company. And I'd completely ruined everything for him by being a brat. I imagine that I probably made him hate coming into work, since he would know that I would end up trying to cause an argument over yet another thing in the process, and that was honestly so far from my aim that it was unbelievable. I just wanted to create some distance between us so that I didn't feel as if it was okay to be in love with him, and so I almost ended up tearing up as I told him that he shouldn't move and if anything, I should be the one moving to a different company. I swore that I wasn't going to try to make things awkward between us and that he should continue to do what he was doing. I was going to back off and stop being so ridiculous.

Seungcheol dismissed me once we had that cleared. He informed me that he didn't want to discuss it anymore, but he was happy to know that things were going to be cleared between us. I completely understood that, and so I gave him a polite head dip before turning to leave the office before he stopped me once more.

"Jeonghan, can I ask you one more question please?" he asked. His voice was gentle and sad this time.  
"What's wrong?"  
"Could you tell me directly that you don't have feelings for me please?" I swallowed. He could have given me a reason for why he needed it, but I think we both knew that he didn't need to give me the details. We both understood why he wanted to hear that right away.  
"I don't have feelings for you," I lied as I turned away from him again and made my way out of the office.


	10. Chapter 10

They say that the hardest thing is seeing someone you love fall in love with someone else, but I have to disagree that it's the case all the time. It was probably the biggest relief of my life, actually, and I'm unbelievably glad that it happened.

This chapter of my story is, as you probably guessed, about Mingyu. If it was about Seungcheol, I think my reaction would probably be very different. And even though I was with Mingyu at the time, I would have been absolutely devastated if Seungcheol fell in love with someone else. I wanted to be selfish and claim him for my own, even if I couldn't really have him, and that task would have been hundreds of times harder if he started seeing someone else instead.

Now, this particular incident with Mingyu started when he had moved on from the training period. He was working comfortably in the warehouse, and he wasn't really having any issues at all. The managers were even booking him on shifts on his own during weekdays at that point, and he could comfortably work upstairs without any assistance, which was great. In fact, it even gave me the opportunity to step back and watch how sexy he was as he worked. Even if he wasn't the man who had all of my heart, there was still no denying that he was incredibly attractive, and so I ended up staring at him most of the time when we were working together up there. He could carry a huge television with no problem, he didn't struggle with carrying bikes, and I even watched him pick up two-part items as if they weighed nothing at all; one part under each arm. It was great and I couldn't believe my luck when I got to see his muscles bulging out how they did.

But obviously, the nature of this job means that you're going to end up learning new things every day. It's just how retail works. I've been on tills a handful of times, much to my absolute distaste, and every time I've been there, something new has come up. Someone has had a staff card from a completely different company, but our information portal said that they were able to get staff discount at our store too. Someone wanted to get a store credit card so that they would be able to pay for their custom-made sofa in chunks, and I'd never really seen how to do it properly. Someone returned an item and claimed that it wasn't working, but then it turned out that it did work and it was perfectly fine when we plugged it in. There are hundreds of different scenarios that come up.

Likewise, we get that in the back of the warehouse too, but it's a bit different back there. For example, sometimes we'll have a missing item and it's the only one left in stock, or the last item will have a destroyed box and no one wants to buy it. But most of those new experiences come about when you're out at the collection point and there are customers around. Then again, nothing beats the first time you have to handle the warehouse, belt, fast-track, complaints desk, hand-outs and phone all in one go. Similarly, there's nothing like being asked for a bag that hasn't already been paid for, and so you have to handle cash even though you shouldn't be handling cash, or the first time someone asks to buy insurance with a fast-track item. I hadn't experienced either of these issues until I had been working with the company for several months, and so both had thrown me off completely. It's just lucky, though, that a lot of the newer members of staff learnt how to do those sorts of things very early on in their time working with us. It makes it a lot easier that way, and it also sticks in their memory that little bit easier too.

So it surprised me when I found out one weekend that Mingyu had never dealt with a fast-track order. He'd gone over to hand out orders to some of the customers when a gentleman of around the store manager's age approached the desk and asked him if he could have some help picking up his order. Of course, Mingyu tried to help him as best as possible, but the computer is very old-fashioned and it's hard to grasp what to do on your first attempt at putting the details into the machine. It asks for a reference number, a four-digit pin code, and then a first name initial. It sounds very straight-forward, but the machine is touchscreen too, and it sometimes skips and stutters. It makes for a very awkward experience first time, especially if you're not used to how it works. We were in the process of upgrading it at that point too, which just made things that much harder; it was outdated by several years and so the generally tech-savvy Mingyu was left having to try to back-track his computer skills to a time where he probably wouldn't have really had internet access in the first place.

He came to me for help, looking like a lost puppy, but then I spotted Wonwoo on his way over from the staff area - having quite obviously just started his shift - and so I directed Mingyu towards him. Wonwoo is probably the best member of staff we ever had on collection point, which was why I directed Mingyu towards him; he was incredibly efficient and knew how to deal with almost every issue that we could have had without even calling a manager over. Like Jisoo, he had been with the company for long enough to essentially be a manager, especially since he had authorisation to most of the files and settings on the computer and he'd dealt with so many issues that he didn't even need to call for assistance. Despite his intimidating exterior, he was always smiley and friendly towards customers, and the regular customers always stayed to have a chat with him if we were quiet. It meant that he was the perfect person to teach Mingyu how to deal with the customer's request, and I knew right away that he would end up understanding the procedure in record time.

But then their eyes met across the shop floor, and I immediately had the sense that something was happening. It was a strange feeling that made my head flutter; a weird sensation that made it feel as if time had suddenly slowed down. Mingyu and Wonwoo must have only glanced at each other for a second or two, but it felt as if their eyes were locked for hours. Neither of them smiled to start with, but then Mingyu soon cracked and broke into the shiest smile I'd ever seen on his face, whilst Wonwoo simply turned pink. He gave a little glance in my direction, and so I promptly made my way back into the warehouse, where I continued to pick for the store.

Now, I've never really seen anyone fall in love like that before, but I knew it when I saw it. I knew that from the moment their eyes met, Mingyu and Wonwoo fell for each other. If that hadn't been the case, there wouldn't have been that strange aura. It was only really confirmed when I snuck a peek at them to see the way that they were interacting with each other. Wonwoo showed Mingyu the way to do it the first time so that the customer wasn't waiting for too long, but then he proceeded to run through how to put it into the computer in detail once there was no one in the queue. Each time he made a point, Wonwoo would glance towards Mingyu's face, and Mingyu would agree with absolutely everything whilst maintaining a bashful smile the entire time. Then their hands brushed as Mingyu reached up to type a random number into the screen for practice, and suddenly there was electricity between them. They moved away as quickly as possible, but their eyes lingered once more and I could tell from the side that Wonwoo was trying his hardest to stay as professional as possible as he tried to laugh it off.

I wasn't mad at all, I swear. In fact, I was more amazed than anything. What had happened between Mingyu and I had been quick. We had bonded over the training period and it had led to funny jokes and a mutual attraction to each other's appearances. That was why I was so keen to get into a relationship with him, and that was why I ended up sleeping with him after the first date. But this was something completely different. There were no jokes or playful touches at the start; no attempts at flirting, and no attempts to increase likeability. No, they fell in love at first sight, and that was that. This wasn't a crush; this was immediate _adoration_. I've never seen two people react like that to their first second of eye contact, but I've never been so envious of their ability to end up in that situation so easily.

I made sure to ask Mingyu about it as soon as we were alone and out of the way. It was the end of our shift and we were heading home in his car. He had been unusually quiet for the rest of the shift after his interaction with Wonwoo, and he was even offering to hand more items out, rather than stand in the warehouse and avoid going out to the shop floor. It was just the usual way that the pickers worked; we would call everything through from the belt without bothering to make our way onto the shop floor, since it was the shop floor assistant's job to keep an eye on what was being sent down. Of course, we could still help if we wanted to do so, but it was a bit unnecessary when we could be spending our time doing other picks. But Mingyu was insistent on going out there to help out, and he would come back into the warehouse with a thoughtful expression on his face.

"So, what did you think of Wonwoo?" I asked him, making sure to tell him with my tone that I caught onto his attraction to our colleague. Mingyu somehow grew even quieter, as if he hadn't already been almost silent. He stared straight ahead, not knowing how to answer my question, and so I gently touched my fingertips to his arm. "Don't worry, I find him hot too. He has that sort of edge to him; that masculine, mature edge, but with a sweet touch. I won't be angry if you think he's attractive too." That was when Mingyu let out the breath that he had been holding, and he moved a hand from the steering wheel to wipe his cheek.  
"Oh my _god_ he's so attractive. I didn't know what to do with myself," he told me before flashing a glance over in my direction. "Obviously, you're still number one in my books, but--"  
"No no, it's fine," I insisted with a laugh, "Can I be completely honest with you right now? I don't really want to sugarcoat this and drag it out for longer than necessary is all."  
"Mmm?"  
"I think you might've fallen for each other as soon as you saw each other. Call it what you will - fate, love at first sight, whatever - but I feel like you two might've had it happen to you."

Mingyu swallowed. The sudden anxiety on his face was something I'd never seen on another person before in my entire life, and it honestly set me on edge for a moment. I thought he was going to have a panic attack or something; his hands grasped the steering wheel tighter and his entire chest puffed up. It seemed as if he had stopped breathing for a moment and I almost ended up trying to steer us towards the side of the road so that he could calm down, but then he suddenly snapped his head towards me for a second and gave the most uncomfortable, fake laugh I've ever heard in my life. "I didn't fall for him," he insisted. "Jeonghan, I'm dating you; why would I fall for someone else?"  
"Mingyu," I breathed in response. For a moment, I didn't really know how to continue. There were a million words fluttering around my mind, but none of them wanted to come out. It made it all incredibly difficult to make sense of everything, as much as I wanted to show my support, and that only seemed to leave Mingyu more anxious until I could finally blurt out _something_. "Mingyu, it's fine. I'm not mad at you. I think you'd actually be great in a relationship with Wonwoo." He visibly started to panic again. I cursed under my breath. "Mingyu, hey. I promise you, I'm not mad in the slightest. I just want you to be happy, okay?"

I'd made the wrong move by bringing it up. I'd thought that he would end up laughing and admitting that he did fall for Wonwoo - after all, he was generally a confident person and seemed to be very tuned into his feelings - but his response was quite the opposite. That was when I remembered what he had said beforehand about me being his first proper boyfriend, and I immediately felt bad. He had probably assumed that we would be together for a long time, considering that we had given ourselves to each other and had moved forward with our relationship so fast, and I had pushed it into his head that it wasn't going to work out that way. He found someone else attractive too, and so that was our relationship doomed.

He ended up having to pull over and sit with me for a while. As it turned out, thankfully, the nervousness had been prompted by the worry that I was angry with him over his feelings but it had developed disproportionally because his sugars were low and he hadn't eaten anything. I ended up feeding him a few biscuits by hand and stroking his hand until he calmed down, and then he turned to me with teary eyes as he tried his hardest to offer a smile. "It's all moving so fast," he told me, "I didn't believe in love at first sight until I saw him, and now I think that I might have a bit of a crush on him. But I swear, I'm gonna let it pass without doing anything towards it. I'm dating you, and that means that I'm staying with you."  
"I'm not joking around when I tell you it's fine, though," I pointed out. I continued to stroke slow circles on the back of his hand until he finally let out a sniffle and moved the hand up to wipe his single tear away.

We sat there for a while, discussing the options that came alongside his discovery. I confessed that it _did_ seem like it had moved fast between them, but that wasn't necessarily something bad if they were both attracted to each other and wanted to start a relationship. Mingyu's head dropped in shame as he mumbled that he guessed I was right, and he supposed that the same had happened to us too. We'd started dating before we even knew each other for twenty-four hours and he guessed that if he wasn't dating me, he would have had that exact same situation with Wonwoo. But it left him wary, especially since we were working in the same store and it made it seem as if he was making his way around the company. It was just how I had felt when I moved from Seungcheol to Mingyu like that.

So I figured that it would be best to bring that up with him, in hopes that it would be comforting for him to know. "I've not mentioned this until now but before we started dating, I was actually sort of seeing someone else," I explained. "We weren't officially dating, but we would kiss and we had a few little sexual flings here and there. And I thought that I had feelings for him, but I figured that since you charmed me and made me fall for you, I would choose to be with you instead. So it's not like you can't change your mind about me too. It's not gonna affect our friendship, and I'm not gonna be mad at you over it. If you said to me right now, 'Jeonghan, I think I'm in love with Wonwoo instead and I want to pursue a relationship with him,' I'd be happy that you're doing something that makes you happy. Even if it made me sad to end our relationship. Sometimes, you have to be a little bit selfish." Mingyu slowly turned back to face the front again and then pressed his hands to the steering wheel. I thought that he was about to start driving again - and he seemingly thought the same - but then he gave a sigh and let his hands flop again.

"The thing is, I think everyone has those situations where they think they like someone but then they get with them and they want to be back with their ex instead. And I'm scared that this is just a small thing with Wonwoo - you know, since we've only just met and all - so I don't really wanna break up with you and try something with him in case I lose both of you." I slowly reached across to take his hand into my own. I completely understood where he was coming from but even today, a good few years later, I've never once seen two people fall for each other like that. It was more than just an attraction to each other's faces; they seemed to connect on a deeper level as soon as they came in contact. Their minds seemed to become one right away, as if they were meant for each other from the moment they were born and had just happened to find each other at that point in time. It's hard to explain, but it was the one and only time in which I've genuinely believed in soulmates.

And whilst I would have been wary if he'd fallen for Wonwoo in the exact same way that he'd fallen for me, this was something very different. It was his charm that brought us together. I found his wit attractive, and he thought that my jokes were cute. We hadn't intended on dating but likewise, we certainly couldn't say that we were _in love_ with each other, even if we did _love_ each other. It still felt too soon, but that had worked in his favour because it meant that it didn't really hurt me too much to let him go. Of course, I was still going to miss being with him and I did still have feelings for him, but it wouldn't be like someone I was planning on spending the rest of my life with breaking up with me to pursue a relationship with someone else.

I explained that to Mingyu, and he gave a nod of understanding. "I suppose you're right about that, too," he admitted as he let his eyes drop back to his lap. "I don't think I would be too angry with you if you said you'd fallen for someone else either. I'd be sad that we were no longer together, as you said, but I'd understand that feelings change and sometimes you click with someone else immediately." We sat there for a minute in silence as I tried to find the right words to reply, but then he gave a sigh and placed his hands back on the steering wheel. "But then again, I don't want to leave you when I'm not sure how Wonwoo feels about me. Not that I'm waiting for someone better to come along or anything, but I don't want to get all caught up on someone who doesn't like me back, only to lose someone I care for dearly. And I'm sure that even though we can't say that special word to each other just yet, it doesn't mean that we don't have feelings for each other. Maybe soon we'll say it and it'll feel right, and then we can think about our future together." He took the handbrake off, then promptly pulled away and continued to drive.

By that point in time, we were so used to the fact that we would go out to the fields after work that he went there automatically. It wasn't until we arrived at our usual spot and pulled over that he realised where we were, and so he let out a whisper of a curse word before turning to me in shame. "I'm so sorry, I just came here without thinking. This is probably the last place you want to be, especially after what we've just spoken about and all," he said in one seamless flurry, along with some comments about how he was an idiot. Once he'd finished speaking, I simply took off my seatbelt and turned to face him in complete silence. A bead of sweat trickled down the side of his face, and he made a point of wiping it away quickly. I pretended not to notice.  
"Just because you're considering Wonwoo as a partner doesn't mean that we can't do anything together," I pointed out. "I'm actually quite down for the thought of you destroying me tonight. Take out all of your feelings right here and now, and then you should be feeling a lot calmer when you get home. You know how your mom gets as soon as she can sense that you're stressed."  
"'Your sugars are gonna drop if you keep stressing yourself out!'" we both mimicked in unison, using the same scratchy voice that Mingyu's mother used when she scolded him. That brought a smile to his face, and I couldn't help but smile back in response.

I was relieved that the comment had made him smile. Mingyu sat there for a moment with the smile plastered on his face before turning his attention towards me fully and motioning for me to get into the backseat of the car. I obliged without waiting for him to ask again, and then he clambered back there too. To start with, we simply gazed into each other's eyes as we tried to figure out whether we should talk first or just get onto it, but the Mingyu bit down on his lower lip and offered up a shy smile. "I know this is weird and you probably don't wanna hear this right now, but could I say something to clear the air please?" he asked. Of course, I gave the nod for him to continue, and so he took in a deep breath before looking me dead in the eyes, his smile only growing as he did so. "I love you, Jeonghan. As a best friend, I love and appreciate you dearly. I hope you know that you mean the world to me, even if we decide that we don't want to be together permanently. If you ever need me to talk to that guy you're into, I'll speak to him right away and tell him that you want to be with him. If you still have feelings for him, that is."

I couldn't help but smile back. We could scrap what I said before about it being too soon to say that we loved each other because I knew we both meant it in a different way. For now, it was a sign that we appreciated each other's company and not that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I made a joke about him saying that it was too soon, though, and he playfully shoved me. "You know what I meant. It was too soon to say it like how couples do."  
"I know," I agreed with a smirk, "I just thought I'd see how you took it. But you know I love you too, and you're probably one of the most compassionate people I've ever come across. I hope that we don't stop being friends if we break up because you really do make things easier in the workplace. Plus, I'd like to help you get Wonwoo whether we stay together for now or break up." Again, he gave another playful shove, although it was a lot more gentle that time. He then followed it right up by kissing me hard on the lips.

As much as he had been all panicked and upset before we made it to our special spot, I genuinely felt that he was a lot more upbeat and happy when we were together. He was energetic and made sure to hold me in a way that allowed us to both let loose, and I didn't once get the feeling that we were just friends with benefits. Mingyu made me feel as special as he usually did, as if nothing had changed at all, and I really appreciated that. It meant that if that was the last time we ever did that together, I would have something genuine to remember about him. I wouldn't be left with a memory of him making it known that we had discussed a more serious matter, and that he was planning on leaving me as soon as Wonwoo confessed that they were mutually attracted to each other.

It had ultimately resulted in six rounds in total; double our usual amount. Mingyu had been so desperate to get all of his energy, stress and anxiety out that I wasn't prepared to stop him and say that I was tired. Besides, he treated me like a princess for the most part and didn't always make me move. It made it a lot easier to ride it out, even though I distinctly remember being sore by the time we finished. And when we hit that point, it probably wasn't helped by the fact that he collapsed forward onto me and laid there for a while, heaving and sweaty, until he eventually found the energy to prop himself up on his elbows to look at me. "Could I ask you something?" he asked as he did so, and I gave a little nod. "Who was the guy you were seeing before me? Was it someone from work?"

To start with, I didn't really know how to respond. Part of me felt that it was necessary to tell him about my affair with Seungcheol because it made it all that more real for him. If he knew about our relationship, then he would be able to verify that against how he saw us interacting with each other at work. And if he did that, then he would probably feel better about being attracted to Wonwoo. Another part, though, figured that it would be wrong to bring up Seungcheol's business like that. After all, he was in a position of authority and if it got around the company, there was a chance that any respect towards him could be damaged. On top of that, the last thing he needed was to feel as if everyone thought we were into each other so that he could get a guy who was a few years younger than him and I could get sneaky bonuses here and there. It wasn't the sort of attention that either of us really needed, which made me reluctant to tell _anyone_ about what was happening between us.

As you can probably imagine, though, the former argument ended up caving. I gave a nod and a smile, and so he reached up to stroke my hair. "Now, you don't have to answer this one, but am I allowed to take a guess? Is it... Seungcheol?" I was amazed that he got it right on the first try, but he quickly explained that he noticed how the chemistry between us changed right after we were confirmed to be dating. It was something that wouldn't usually happen unless there was history between two people, he said, so either I was involved with him or someone very close to him, like a sibling or something. And since he had spoken to Seungcheol and found out that he only had a sister who was already married, it didn't really make sense.

I was impressed to say the least, and Mingyu was obviously proud of himself. He asked to know a little bit more about our relationship, but I informed him that I would discuss it with him at a later date, either when we had decided for sure that we were going to stay together, or as soon as he and I ended our relationship. It wasn't for now, especially not after the anxiety that I had caused by pointing out his attraction to Wonwoo.

Eventually we moved back to the front seats of the car and continued on our journey, but the aura was very different between us. It was as if an imaginary weight had been lifted; not just because we had established the consequences if Mingyu _did_ decide to leave me and get with Wonwoo instead, but also because we had managed to establish where we were in our own relationship too. It led to a discussion about what we were going to do next, with regards to our relationship with each other and Mingyu's relationship with Wonwoo, but I promised that I had an idea for how we were going to make things work out. It wasn't necessarily going to be the best idea, but I was going to make sure that they were both on the same page so that they could make an informed decision over whether they wanted to be together or not. It had happened quickly but I knew that what they had was special, so I wasn't going to let Mingyu miss out.


	11. Chapter 11

My plan to get them together seemed flawed, to be perfectly honest, but it actually worked so I could hardly complain. Please bear in mind, though, that this is an overview of what happened and doesn't involve the gruelling hours of trying to plan out how we were going to make everything work out in the end.

My first point of call was to try to figure out whether Wonwoo had the same feelings towards Mingyu. Instead of speculating, though, I simply asked him one day whilst we were at work, on our break together. "What do you think about Mingyu?" I asked without any attempts at sugar-coating it.  
"He's a good worker and seems to have a lot of potential," Wonwoo replied without hesitation. His response seemed practised, although I didn't call him out for it. Perhaps it was intentionally vague because he anticipated that I wouldn't appreciate any comment that was too forward. But it didn't really tell me what I wanted to know, so I simply reworded it.  
"Do you think that he's attractive, though?"  
"Hm?"  
"Attractive. Do you think that Mingyu looks handsome?"

Wonwoo hesitated a little bit before answering that one. I suspect that he was probably worried about how his answer would come across, even though I was offering him an encouraging smile the entire time. His eyes hesitated on my face for a moment, as he tried to assess how to reply. "Oh, I suppose he does look nice. Not my usual cup of tea, though." I asked him what he meant by that, and he admitted that he usually went for boys who were shorter than himself. He had a little bit of a complex about height, apparently, and so he usually didn't like guys who were taller than him. On top of that, Mingyu seemed to be a lot more muscular than he liked, although he did confess that it was nice to see how easily he could pick up items. I couldn't help but roll my eyes in response.  
"You know what I'm trying to ask you. Are you interested in him in the slightest?"

"Well," Wonwoo started before going completely silent again. His lips pursed for a second, and then he took in a deep breath. "You and Mingyu are dating. I can't lie and tell you that I don't find him attractive in the slightest because we're good friends and I think you have the right to know how I genuinely feel. But I won't be making a move, and I won't be pursuing any feelings of attraction that I might have. I'm distancing myself so that I can have the opportunity to get past this, then I'll begin to talk to him properly again once I've managed to move on from that." I offered up a smile. Although I did want to get him and Mingyu together, I really did respect the fact that Wonwoo was not only honest with me, but also mature enough to take such a stance on the situation. It meant that if I did want to stay with Mingyu, I probably wouldn't end up feeling all that protective when Wonwoo was around. I knew that he wouldn't try anything, and I trusted Mingyu enough to not make anything of it if we did decide to stay together. But that wasn't the plan, so I simply tried to push it a little bit further.

"I really appreciate how honest you are with me about this. Could I ask you to be honest with me over one more little thing, though, please?" He gave a nod of approval and leant forward against his elbow. "Do you know what you find attractive about him?" Wonwoo couldn't help but smile and shake his head as he made a comment about how I was pushing my luck a bit, and how he didn't usually talk about that sort of thing but would make an exception because we were good friends.  
"I think his gentle but clumsy nature is a big part of it, you know. It sounds stupid, but I have a bit of a soft spot for boys like that. Is that the sort of thing you like about him too? He doesn't really seem like the sort of guy you would go for either."

Once I had replied that it was actually his charisma that drew me in, I decided to drop the topic for a while and discuss other things. The group chat came up, and so did his weekend plans. He confessed that he wasn't doing anything, as usual, but he was thinking of going on a trip to a nearby bookstore to get himself some new reading materials. He had exhausted some of his favourite books, so he wanted something new to indulge in for a few hours. We continued to discuss that sort of thing for a little while, not even mentioning Mingyu again the entire time, until we had to go back on to the shop floor and continue with our shifts.

Of course, I told Mingyu about it all as soon as we got back to his place that evening. He picked me up from work after his classes, then we got dinner and sat in his room together. "What would you say if I told you that Wonwoo finds you attractive too?" I asked him casually, and his eyes snapped right up to my face.  
"What? What did you say to him?"  
"I asked if he finds you attractive and he said that he does. I won't tell you the details, since they're private and personal, but I really think that we should do something about this for you." He gently pushed me before giving a laugh.  
"Are you trying to get rid of me quicker or something?" he asked playfully before breaking into grin. "You have to tell me everything, okay?"

I refused. Mingyu pouted. Then he tried his hardest to flop on me and roll about until he annoyed me enough to make me talk. Sure, it didn't take all that long and I ended up caving and confessing that I had a plan for how to move forward, but I skilfully avoided telling him what Wonwoo said was attractive about him still. It wasn't my place to tell him that; after all, it was hardly my place to tell Mingyu about Wonwoo's interest in the first place but I felt that that was necessary for him to know, whereas the details weren't necessary at all.

We ended up discussing the plan further, though. It was quickly decided that we were going to ask Wonwoo for a threesome. Quite simply, it would mean that they would be able to come in close contact with each other, without the awkwardness that would come if we watched a film and Mingyu cuddled Wonwoo instead of me. Mingyu would get to do what he wanted with both of us, provided that Wonwoo was okay with that, and then I would spend some time discussing it with Wonwoo afterwards. It would involve us showering together where Mingyu wouldn't be able to hear us, and then it would hopefully it easier for him to talk about with me. I would specifically ask them to go out for the day and they would certainly stay out, just as I asked, until I called to tell them that I was ready for them to head back. That was the good thing about them; they were respectful of that sort of thing, even if they were a little bit invasive at times. And considering that I had discussed my relationship woes with my mom, I knew that she would completely understand. This would be a make or break situation, as far as she was concerned, so she was more than happy to help me out.

So we proposed it to Wonwoo at work the following day. It was a huge relief that Mingyu didn't have classes in the afternoon because I didn't know what I would have done if I had to talk to him about that on my own. I pointed out that he was free over the weekend and whilst he could still obviously go out and get his new book still, we would appreciate it if he would provide us with some company. He didn't seem to understand to start with, instead seemingly seeing it as a way of turning him into a third wheel or something. Mingyu simply came out with it in the end, just to make sure that we were on the same page, and he quickly grew flustered as he asked if we were serious. But he didn't reject the offer; instead, he took down our phone numbers and we offered him a lift home when we finished our shift. Upon arriving at his place, he made sure to thank us before confirming the address and time, then made his way out of the car.

The rest of the evening was spent preparing. We started by stocking up on various lubricants at the nearest drugstore before going back to my place and getting out fresh bedsheets, ready to put on in the morning. Then, whilst we were eating dinner, I requested some time alone in the house with Mingyu and a colleague, and my parents quickly decided that they would go out shopping for the day. I thanked them profusely, making sure to point out that it meant a lot to us, and they even told me that they would get some snacks in for us in the morning before they left. Anything to make things easier for us; they knew that we had a bit of an appetite as it was and guessed that the unnamed colleague would probably get hungry at some point too, so they weren't going to put us in a position where we were all left feeling like we had to go out and get some food.

It all ended up going to plan until Wonwoo turned up at my house the following morning. He seemed to be particularly nervous, as if he didn't really know why he decided to take us up on the offer, and so we quickly whisked him away to my room. Only, it was the early stages of what we were doing, so we ended up chatting about everything first, making sure that everyone was a lot more comfortable with the situation before we actually pushed for it to begin. At that point, Mingyu decided to take the lead by brushing some of Wonwoo's hair away from his face, and then quickly glanced towards me to see if it was okay. When I gave a nod, he took in a deep breath. "Can I kiss you?" he asked. Wonwoo stayed silent, as if he didn't know what to do, but then I made sure to give him an encouraging nod too. He mimicked my gesture, and so Mingyu leaned in slowly to kiss him on the lips. It was probably the softest first kiss that I've ever seen, with their lips only brushing together gently. As soon as they parted, Wonwoo's eyes glazed over with adoration, and so Mingyu pecked his lips firmer before letting out the breath that he had been holding. He shuffled back further on to the bed, not really knowing how to proceed, and so I figured that it was my turn to do what he did.

My first kiss with Wonwoo was a lot firmer. We were friends with no intention of ever becoming lovers, and it was all for show. He kissed me back just as hard, and Mingyu took in another sharp breath. It led to lip-sucking and tongue-nipping, which only served to increase Mingyu's interest even further. We could both sense that he liked what he could see, and that was perfect. Of course, it meant that we had an advantage; I could move into Wonwoo's lap and he could kiss up my neck teasingly slowly, and by the time that we were starting to really get into making such contact with each other, Mingyu was already completely stiff. So we continued. It was a way of teasing him and making him see that we were both worth his attention. He could see how much we were enjoying each other and he naturally wanted in on that.

Which ultimately led us to pounce on him. We were on him before he even had the chance to register what was happening. It went from firm kisses and teasing touches to us both sucking him. I tried my hardest to keep up, but Wonwoo was definitely leading the show as we did that. I could see how he looked up at Mingyu; eyes capturing him like a deer in headlights as he got to work. I could tell that his mouth was gentle yet coaxing, making sure to engulf him with love but also show him what it meant to have a man who was in control. And _boy,_ was he in control. He knew exactly what he was doing, and he had a special way of making Mingyu's chest heave in minutes. Either that, or his desire for Wonwoo was just so intense that he couldn't catch his breath, but I like to think that it was intentional and calculated. It looked as if Mingyu was going to finish early from such contact but Wonwoo told him that he needed to hold it back, so he did exactly as he was told.

All in all, though, I don't know how he managed to hold back for as long as he did. He was still very fresh to the scene of adult relationships, so it wasn't as if he had all that much practice with this sort of thing, and I knew for a fact that Wonwoo was better at sucking him than I ever was. Wonwoo knew how to do it with skill that was hard to come across. He could make a man finish without using his hands, which was absolutely vulgar but amazing to watch. I ended up stopping the sucking that I had been giving to an area just south of the space that my colleague occupied so that I could learn a few techniques from him. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't still use those techniques nowadays because honestly, they do absolute wonders for a guy. It was essentially complex multitasking, with very separate head and tongue movements, and it was honestly such a treat to watch.

By the time we finished what we were doing, Wonwoo's face was already painted white. As soon as he moved his mouth away, Mingyu couldn't hold it back any longer. Wonwoo wasn't all that bothered, though, and simply left it undisturbed as Mingyu demanded to have him bent over immediately. He simply stared at him with the slightest of smirks and told him that he needed to pay attention to his actual boyfriend before he got too frisky with our plus-one. I could tell that Mingyu was frustrated over it because he had been so desperate to have Wonwoo and get greedy as he did so, but Wonwoo simply encouraged me to move into his lap and slowly rub against him when Mingyu tried to cause a fuss. It meant that we were teasing him and he was left even more frustrated, but he simply lubed himself up right away and got straight to work.

From that point, he tried moving back and forth between us, in an attempt to distribute his attention equally between us. Wonwoo and I touched each other occasionally, but Mingyu pretty much led it by making sure that his presence was known. That was, at least, until Wonwoo decided that he wanted a piece of me too. "We're both here and I don't mind switching," he informed me, and then he took the lead. To start with, Mingyu sat back and watched, but then he eventually mounted Wonwoo and got back to work. I was absolutely relieved, if I was being completely honest. It meant that not all of the focus was on me when it was supposed to be primarily about them, but Wonwoo wasn't left to feel bad about the fact that he was hogging up all of Mingyu's attention. That was what I had been worried about at the start. I loved Mingyu as a friend and I was incredibly fond of Wonwoo too, but it wasn't in the same way that I hoped they were attracted to each other. That was a completely different sort of affection, I hoped, and so I wanted to nurture it as best as possible through this experience.

My experience of having Wonwoo all over me was relatively short-lived in the end, all in all. Wonwoo asked for permission to finish on my stomach and I allowed him to do that, but whilst I was coming down from my own high, Mingyu was straight onto him again. He was rough and demanding, even when Wonwoo tried to tease him by going slower. He wanted him more than anything and I could tell that his desire was growing very quickly. Wonwoo asked me if I was okay with it all, just to make sure, and so I informed him that I was going to sit out for a moment to catch my breath and I just wanted them to have fun in the meantime. Of course, Mingyu took that as an excuse to absolutely destroy Wonwoo. He made sure that he felt the ecstasy of every single moment that they shared together; the assured way that he kissed the back of his neck, and the way that he completely let loose on him.

Mingyu pretty much dominated Wonwoo from behind until I quietly pointed out that he was supposed to be gentle and affectionate towards him, at which point he seamlessly asked if Wonwoo wanted to switch things around. Of course, they adjusted themselves straight away. Wonwoo was in his lap and grasped me at the same time, just so that we could come closer again, and Mingyu simply grabbed his hips and began to move him. They still moved hard against each other, even when Wonwoo had control again, and it ultimately resulted in them being forehead to forehead, gazing into each other's eyes with electric intensity as Wonwoo's body took its fill from Mingyu.

I have to admit, it did last longer than I imagined. I thought that perhaps we would get through a round or two and then finish there, but it probably lasted for around four hours by the time we finished for good. By that point, there was a clear passionate foundation between Mingyu and Wonwoo. They were absolutely in tune with each other, and I definitely felt that my job was done. It was a sign that they had come to put all other thoughts to the side; after all, I knew that Mingyu was nervous about finishing his relationship with me to get with Wonwoo, and Wonwoo didn't really want to get involved with someone else's boyfriend. By that point, there was no denying that their feelings for each other were mutual. If they said that, they would certainly be lying, and they both knew that I knew that well. It wasn't even that much of a secret anymore, even when both Wonwoo and I were covered in Mingyu's body fluids, and he had a sticky patch just above his navel from whatever contact he made with us too.

To start with, we glanced between our respective partners. It was a strange sight to see everyone looking so messy and _exposed_ but it wasn't all that uncomfortable. I always thought that having physical intimacy with friends would be a bit of an awkward experience. You're in close contact with another person, and your bodies are touching. You get to see everything, from the patterns of their body hair to the fact that they have birthmarks and scars, to stretch marks and bumps and the sorts. But then again, it's strangely beautiful too. I felt unusually confident when Mingyu told us to get into the shower and clean up whilst he sorted my bed out and made sure that the room didn't smell like sex for when my parents returned home. I dragged Wonwoo to the shower and helped him to get in, seeing as his legs had turned very mechanical and stiff after what we did, and then we got in together.

"You didn't tell me that you look this nice without clothes," I told Wonwoo, trying my hardest to make it sound like a compliment and not something creepy. "It's pretty great, though, because I could see that Mingyu was really into more than just your body. Did you get that vibe too?" Wonwoo simply turned to face me as he let out a laugh and ran a hand through his hair, brushing the wet strands away from his forehead, and then shifted his gaze to my eyes.  
"Right, I know you'll recall that I told you that I would only be completely honest with you when I said that I was attracted to him, and I want you to be completely honest with me too. Was this threesome supposed to be a way of getting me involved with Mingyu or something?" The way he said it so directly like that made me hesitate. I didn't really know how to respond; after all, I hadn't really anticipated that he would catch on so quickly. I had assumed that I would need to hint that they shared a genuine mutual attraction to each other for a little while, gradually breaking him into it, but apparently not.

"I, um..." I started before letting out a long breath and finally letting it all out. "Okay, I know this is going to sound weird, but he's really into you and I thought that you were into him too, and this sort of thing seemed like the easiest way to get you two together like that. You're not upset with me are you?" Surprisingly, Wonwoo smiled at me. It was a genuine smile with the slightest nose crinkle, and I couldn't help but smile back. "It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? That a guy would be trying to set you up with his boyfriend and all?"  
"Yeah, I didn't really think that anyone would try to do that, but I have to applaud how far you went with it. It's actually impressive how you managed to pull it off like that." He turned towards the showerhead for a moment so that he could wash the essence of Mingyu off his face, then slowly turned back towards me. "Would you care to explain why you would do something like that, though?"

So I began to explain everything. I told him that I was attracted to Mingyu, but it seemed like I was attracted to him in a sexual and platonic way, rather than wanting to spend the rest of my life with him. I told him that that much became apparent when he and Mingyu made eye contact across the collection area of the shop, and that I instantly knew that they were going to be good together. That I realised how my feelings for Mingyu were different to my feelings for Seungcheol, who I was definitely very much attracted to in a romantic way. It was something that I hadn't really discussed all that much with Mingyu, since I had always been worried about making him feel like a rebound or a second best in my world, but I was gradually coming to accept that my feelings for Seungcheol were still very much there. With every passing day, I was simply realising it more and more. I had been avoiding him for several months, though, since I figured that I had already annoyed him enough as it was, so it just didn't feel relevant to bring it up with Mingyu unless I was planning on making a move on him.

"I think you and Cheol would make a cute couple," Wonwoo told me. I couldn't help but break into a proud smile, as much as it was embarrassing. I knew that I probably shouldn't be so happy to hear that, but it genuinely made my heart happy. "I know it's probably a big thing for you to admit - that you realised how you really felt about Mingyu and that it wasn't the same as what you felt for Cheol. And it's a pretty tough thing to see the person you're dating starting to show an interest in someone else, too. I'm thankful that we've had this experience," he said. Until that point, I've never really had a naked cuddle with a friend, but it felt a lot more comfortable than I anticipated. Wonwoo seemed to be a lot happier with the situation. He was a down-to-earth guy as it was, so I expected him to understand anyway, but he just seemed to be a lot more content with knowing the truth now. There was no awkwardness, where he felt as if he was intruding on my relationship, and I felt absolutely relieved to be able to genuinely get it all out and talk to someone about the fact that sometimes feelings do change.

I think that the beauty of it is that it's normal to change your mind or feelings. I know that Mingyu has had a handful of boyfriends, but he never really felt enough of a pull to lose his virginity to any of them. Wonwoo ended up having a few girlfriends when he was younger, but he quickly realised that he was dating them because he felt he had to be with a girl, and so he eventually gave in to his real feelings and got with a guy. Seungcheol has been open to relationships with anyone he finds attractive, but he's not the sort of person who will rush when he needs time to consider a relationship more. Similarly, I've realised that I don't need to rush into a relationship and that it's okay to admit that perhaps we're better dating other people. What might seem like the start of a good relationship when you're in the early stages might end up turning out to be a fantastic friendship but not right from a romantic perspective. And that's where I was at; Mingyu wasn't right for me and Seungcheol still had my heart clenched in his fist, but I was happy to see Mingyu being happy with someone else.

When we finally got out of the shower, Mingyu had already cleaned himself up using a wet wipe and dry shampoo. He admitted that he still felt a bit gross but he didn't really like my shower. He was too tall for it and it was awkward to adjust, so he would simply take a shower at home. He made sure to thank Wonwoo for his time and suggest that perhaps we could all meet up again, but Wonwoo simply shook his head as he stared directly into his eyes. I watched as Mingyu's entire face dropped. There was a sort of fear in his expression, as if he was certain that he had messed up or something. Wonwoo laughed at him.

"Jeonghan said that you find me attractive and wanted to pursue a relationship. Is that correct?" Mingyu's entire face went beet red. I don't think he took Wonwoo as the sort of person to be confident when it came to his sexuality and relationships, since he was relatively reserved and introverted. It came with the false sense that he would be nervous about that sort of thing but Mingyu was very, very wrong about that.  
"I, uh... I do find you attractive," he blurted out, sounding much like a second-grade child who was being asked on a playdate for the first time. He glanced over to me, and so I gave the same encouraging nod that I had given him earlier that day.

"Don't you think that we're moving fast with this?" Wonwoo teased, "You know, we've already ended up in bed together and you've covered me in your body fluids, and you haven't even taken me out for dinner yet." It was a hint. To start with Mingyu seemed to be embarrassed by the fact that he had moved so fast with him, just as he had done with me when we first got together, but his eyes quickly snapped up when dinner was mentioned.  
"Should I take you out for dinner next week or something?" he asked hopefully. Wonwoo bit his lower lip.

"I have some conditions."  
"Go ahead."  
"Firstly, we're not officially boyfriends until at least the third date. If it's not working out like we hoped, we can quit and be friends. If you want to go back to Jeonghan and he wants you back, you can do that. But if you want to be together, we need to be committed." Mingyu gave a hum of understanding and smiled.  
"That's fair enough. Anything else?"  
"I'm going to pay for the first date. We're going somewhere nice, and you'll need to dress appropriately."

The look in Mingyu's eyes was one of adoration. It was like the look he gave Wonwoo when they first saw each other, and my stomach melted when I saw the way he looked at him. But then Wonwoo spoke up again, and the smile temporarily dropped. "Also, you're going to have to order fast food for Jeonghan to thank him for being kind enough to not only set us up together, but also end your relationship so that you could both be happy with other people and provide us with the opportunity to share today together. I _know_ he planned it all out, and we should both be thankful for it." Of course, the smile quickly returned when he realised what had been said and agreed right away. He thanked me right there and then, before telling me to text him with whatever food I wanted.

Now, I don't want to give any spoilers about much time has passed since I dated Mingyu, but they have a happy ending. He and Wonwoo are still in a relationship today, waiting patiently for the day that they can legally marry each other. It's something that they've been considering for quite some time, and I'm so glad to be able to see them exploring that path of life together. Their romance sounds cliche, but I'm happy for them.


	12. Chapter 12

From the moment that Mingyu and Wonwoo left my house, I figured that we would ultimately be faced with drama at work before we had even settled things fully between us all.

It was a common occurrence that I would walk into my workplace and find out that there was some sort of drama happening within those four walls, after all. It was to the point where I wasn't even surprised when I walked in to find that something had happened. Minghao and Junhui were caught having a fling after the most recent staff night out; Seokmin had almost ended up in hospital after someone had put a wardrobe on the top shelf and it fell on him; Jihoon and Soonyoung were in the middle of a huge argument and weren't talking. Then they were talking again. Then they weren't talking again. There was always something, and that was just how our workplace got through every day.

It's a different story when the drama is about you, though. The building goes eerily quiet as soon as you enter the place and all eyes are on you. If you think that you're in the clear, you're definitely not. Everyone knows by the time you turn up for your shift, even if it's the opening shift, and you're basically dropped in it as soon as you make a mistake, start dating one of your colleagues, or have stopped talking to someone. Frankly, though, I wasn't even surprised this time. I expected that they would be saying things about me whilst I wasn't around, and I was anticipating that the threesome would end up coming up at some point. Although I doubt that Mingyu or Wonwoo would tell anyone about it directly, I knew that they wouldn't lie if they were asked about how they got together. The last thing any of us wanted was for it to look ugly because I had finished with Mingyu on the same day that he and Wonwoo got together. I couldn't blame them if they did explain it by skirting around how it happened, honestly. I wouldn't want to be in the position where someone thinks you're having an affair.

That's one thing that our workplace doesn't handle well, actually. We're all like a family, from the moment that someone has their first shift. With time, that develops until we respect each other enough to be able to call each other out for doing cruel or malicious things. People are chosen to work here because they fit with the vibes of the place and will get on with their colleagues well; it's part of the recruitment process and our two recruiters have been exceptionally good at making sure that everyone clicks so far. In fact, I distinctly remember having questions in the interview which seemed completely irrelevant but were actually made to assess how well I would fit in. Everyone has similar morals and values, and that's what keeps us going. So naturally, when people cheat on their partners, their colleagues are the first to call them out on it. And sure, it's usually kept pretty quiet so that they're not humiliated by every colleague they see - until they leave, of course, and then it spreads like wildfire - but not one person you speak to will be happy to know if you're having an affair. I can guarantee that if anyone thought that those two were sleeping together behind my back, they would end up getting a lecture from someone as soon as it became apparent.

By the time I got to my next shift, I had spent a lot of time mentally preparing myself for all of those potential rumours and discussions. Due to a few family events coming up that week, I had taken a few days off work, which had given it plenty of time to manifest. The worst part was that I had a mid-morning shift, which meant that everyone had more than enough time to see that I was working and figure out what they would say to me when I arrived. That was all that swarmed my mind when I finally reached the front door - they were probably as prepared for this as I was. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes for a second, and then thrust myself into the world of retail once again. The radio in the background played a deceptively upbeat song, but faces dropped as soon as I walked through the door. A few of my colleagues fidgeted underneath my gaze. I didn't dare to try to talk to them, out of fear that it would go completely pear-shaped in front of the customers. Instead, I simply made my way through to the staff area, tapped my staff ID code into the machine, put my belongings into my locker, then got straight to work.

Now, of all of the people who could approach me as soon as I got into work, it _had_ to be Seungcheol. Choi Seungcheol; the one person I could do without seeing on that particular day. I was just making my way over to the headset shelf at the exact same time that he went over to check the printer, and we subsequently walked into each other. We made eye contact, firm and lingering, then he offered up an apologetic smile as he diverted his gaze. I could tell that he expected me to be upset or something right from the moment we looked at each other, and so the gesture was a courteous one as not to aggravate any issues that I might be facing. That much was clear from the way that he dropped it without telling me to do something. So I put on my headset and made my way over to him instead.

"Where am I today?" I asked. "Upstairs?" He slowly turned towards me, placing his papers down. The motion was dragged out as long as possible, as if he was hesitant to talk to me too much.  
"You can stay down here if you want. I know how much you hate being upstairs all the time."  
"No no, it's a lot quieter up there. Less for me to do right now." The way I said it was intentionally delicate. It was essentially a tester to see if he took the bait and told me what he knew. Just as expected, he snatched the bait right up. His entire face dropped, and he tried his hardest not to give me that pitiful look that I'd been given by a select few colleagues so far.  
"Oh," he said quietly, "Actually, yeah. That sounds like a better idea, but... Mingyu's up there at the moment, so would you like me to go up and get him to come down first? He can use the other stairs if that makes things easier."

As soona as I heard his reply, I took the opportunity to pounce. "What have you heard?" I asked immediately, dropping the soft exterior in a matter of seconds. Seungcheol looked confused and slightly alarmed as he stared back at me.  
"What do you mean?"  
"Why would you bring that up?" Of course, he immediately began to worry. Perhaps what he had found out from other people had been completely wrong. His entire jaw tensed up completely, as if he had been caught maliciously nosing into other people's business, and his gaze diverted again.  
"Someone just mentioned that you had broken up with him is all. I thought that perhaps it would be awkward between you if you had to interact upstairs. I don't want him to make you uncomfortable. After all, you're here to feel comfortable and happy, and it's my job to make sure that you don't have any problems."

Admittedly, it was pretty sweet. I never really thought that Seungcheol would be the sort of manager who would treat me in such a sensitive manner. In general, he seemed more like the sort of person who would tell people that they would need to get over it. We're all working in the same environment and it was a prime example of why we don't get involved with our colleagues, especially if you're working in the same environment. And sure, they can put measures in place so that both people in a failed relationship can work in peace without seeing each other for the most part, but there are always going to be occasions in which you have to work with them. If the store is short on staff, for example, they're not going to refrain from inviting one person to come in when the other has a shift. In the real world, you do just have to deal with it or stop being where they'll be. The business needs to happen whether you slept with your colleague or not.

Considering that he genuinely could have made it an "I told you so" moment, I did genuinely appreciate it. I can't even lie and say that I was mad with him over it because my stomach instantly turned into mush. "Oh," was all I could get out for a few seconds. Seungcheol met my gaze again and leaned slightly towards me. I tried again to get something out and failed, but he was quick to fill the silence anyway.  
"I'm sorry if I completely misinterpreted it. I should have kept my nose out. You can go upstairs if you want, but I'll be here if you need someone to talk to about it. I..." He trailed off for a moment, his eyes flashing between my eyes and lips a few times, as if he was expecting me to say something. Under any other circumstances, I would have guessed that he wanted to kiss me, but he didn't seem like the sort of person who would snatch up a man who had only just broken up with his boyfriend. "I just hope that you're feeling okay. You know if you're not up to completing the shift, you can go home and I won't be angry with you."

Now, I'm not sure if you're connecting the dots here, but what he did was a mirror of what I did when he needed to leave to see his nana, but without the pay offer. He knew that there was no chance of me accepting it, so he didn't bother offering it to me, but the gesture was still very much there and that was what I loved. It was something normal about Choi Seungcheol for once. None of the nonsense where he pretended not to have feelings for me and acted as if we didn't deserve to be together. No attempts to slow down the natural progression of our relationship, no attempts to be humble about something that he was genuinely proud of doing, and no attempts at diffusing me when I was being a brat. This was human compassion. This was him being genuine and affectionate, but in a way that didn't make it seem as if he was coming onto me this soon after my break up.

But I simply thanked him instead of making a big deal out of it. We shared a smile - our first genuine smile in weeks - then he allowed me to get started on my work. I made my way straight up to Mingyu, then sent him downstairs to help out with the usual flow of the business. His eyes were still bright and full of life as he made his way downstairs, which was a huge relief seeing as out colleagues could have easily made him feel awful about our break up. At least it didn't seem as if anyone had tackled him about his relationship with Wonwoo - or perhaps no one had found out yet. I just hoped that we wouldn't have to worry about it anymore; we could just brush it under the rug as soon as the initial hype had died down, and then just live our lives as good friends without anyone freezing at the sight of us being romantic with other people.

The orders started to flow. _"Four-eight-alpha-foxtrot."_ I sighed and dragged a ladder over to the shelf. It was still my least favourite one, even though the night staff had tried to sort out the mess. It hadn't worked, obviously.   
"Description?" I asked, praying that it would give me something good.  
 _"Four-foot blackout curt."_ Nope. No. Not what I needed. I gave a sigh and rubbed a hand over my face as I began to search through the pile in front of me. There were at least fifteen different blackout rolls of various lengths, and I hardly had the ability to tell four-foot out by eye. Each was a different colour too, which made things all that much more difficult. Every colour of the rainbow plus black, white, and two different greys. I was in hell. As it turned out, it was the teal one right at the back. 6068-9553. Not to be mixed up with the red one, which is 6068-9462, or the purple one, which is 6068-9537. I've always hated how they number items from the same collection similarly; it makes it impossible to find the right one when you're in a rush.

Thankfully, the next few were relatively easy. UNIX hairdryer, model UN-1880P. 4442-8283. TONYMOLY hand cream collection. 7289-8326. An otherwise plain Adidas-branded bag. 7457-5250. The sorts of things that shouldn't really be upstairs, considering that they're quick picks and they're supposed to be in the boxes or on low shelves near to the collection point, but I wasn't really going to complain. They gave me work to do, and that was what was going to keep me busy for the next few hours. There was nothing quite like being absolutely bored out of your mind, calculating the number of steps it takes to get from one side of the warehouse floor to the other. I've calculated it and if I weave through each of the aisles, it takes me eight-hundred and forty-three steps to get to the only dead end in the upper stock warehouse if I step toe-to-heel, but only five-hundred and ninety-seven if I walk how I usually walk. That's how boring it got up there. It even had good test-retest reliability. I would know; I tried it at least a dozen times.

In fact, I was expecting it to eventually get to that point on that particular day, too. I remember anticipating the moment where I would be left doing nothing, since fewer orders were coming through on my headset and they were gradually spaced further and further apart. I couldn't see anyone on the television screen overhead either - it showed the shop floor so that we could anticipate how busy we were, but it seemed as if almost all of the orders were complete. I perched on the edge of the computer desk for a moment, considering whether I would tidy or find something pointless to do with my time whilst we weren't busy, but then I heard the stockroom door swing open with such force that it hit the wall. I jolted right up and stared in the direction of the door, only to see Seungcheol emerge with a face like thunder and his fists balled-up tightly.

"Jeonghan," he hissed under his breath. For a moment, I thought that I had done something very wrong. Perhaps I had messed something up so badly that it was going to cost the company money, or maybe I hadn't been doing something that I had been asked to do at the start of my shift. Nothing immediately came to mind, but I was terrified by his expression. It was a look I'd never seen on Seungcheol's face before, and it was an expression which I'd never like to see again.  
"Is everything okay?" I said as calmly as I could, despite my voice quaking with fear at the sound of his annoyance. Seungcheol stopped for a moment to try to calm himself down when he noticed how scared I seemed, but it ultimately didn't work in the slightest. He was quite frankly furious by the time he got to my side.

"Now, I usually don't call people out to other people before I talk to them first but I feel that you need to hear it before I even consider bringing it up with him. The last thing I want is for you to find out through someone else and be heartbroken that no one actually told you about what's happening behind your back. Jeonghan, your asshole ex-boyfriend hasn't even waited a _week_ before he starts hitting on Wonwoo. It's not even subtle; he's touching him almost every time they pass. Brushing past him, touching his hands, tapping him. Any time he can make physical contact, he's doing so." He tried his hardest to be calmer as soon as it exploded out of him by pressing a hand to the desk, but it was clear that he was past the point of being frustrated over it.

And I had to admit, it was adorable.

It was as if he was getting protective over me specifically. I'm sure that he wouldn't have done that sort of thing for anyone else because he wouldn't really see it as his business. After all, there are a number of circumstances that could cause people to grow closer after a breakup. One person may have been comforting the other, or they could have been involved romantically beforehand. They could even just be very close friends. But Seungcheol was incredibly concerned for how it would affect my feelings, regardless of why Mingyu would be getting closer to Wonwoo. It was sweet and I honestly had to fight back the urge to smile at him as soon as I noticed that he was still protective over me. It was a little victory, in a way.

"It's not a big deal," I told him right away. "Don't dwell on it." He echoed what I said exactly, but in a voice of complete and utter disbelief. It was as if I was speaking a different language to him and expecting him to understand what I'd said.  
"Are you hearing yourself?" he asked. "You and Mingyu were dating on Friday. It's Thursday and he's already all over Wonwoo. Why isn't he at school today? I'm sure that he shouldn't even be on shift. Has he come in just to rub it in your face that he's moving on or something?" This time, I couldn't help but crack a smile as I shook my head.  
"Relax, he doesn't have classes today, and he's seeing Wonwoo now. I'm completely fine with it."

Of course, Seungcheol absolutely hit the roof. He hissed about how it was standard courtesy not to jump right from a relationship with one person to a relationship with one of their friends or colleagues, and that it was complete and utter disrespect. If they were really that into each other, they could have waited for a month or two, just to make sure that there was no bad blood between Mingyu and I. Surely if they needed to jump into a relationship that quickly, it was a sign that they weren't going to make a good couple. Soon enough, they would end up hating each other and Mingyu would come crawling back to me, wanting nothing more than sympathy and a fresh start. I understood where he was coming from when he described it like that, obviously, but this situation was unique. I had given express permission for them to give it a shot and _technically_ speaking, they weren't officially in a relationship just yet. They were simply seeing each other as potential romantic partners.

I made sure to point that out to Seungcheol, but it failed to put out the fire in his eyes and the anger in his heart. He was set on being angry at Mingyu, and I could tell that from the way that he was brushing off my comments. So I ended up having to give him the breakdown of everything that happened between us. "I actually told him that they should be together a ittle while ago," I pointed out to him. "They were clearly attracted to each other and I didn't want to be that guy who keeps them apart. Besides, Mingyu is young and I'm the only person he's really _been_ with so far, so I'm actually happy that he's getting experience with other people. Relationships in your early teens don't really count unless they're mature or physical, in my opinion, so he needs more than a few boys he'd held hands with to make him into an adult who is successful in his love life."

Seungcheol hesitated for a moment. I could tell right away that he wanted to continue being angry, but I had diffused his irritation pretty damn fast by showing him that I wasn't all that bothered by it. He stood in silence as he stared at me, but then he opened his mouth to complain again so I gently pressed a fingertip to his lips. It was a daring move, considering that he didn't seem to be in the mood for physical contact at that point in time, but I needed something to show him that I genuinely meant what I said. "And before you suggest that he was into Wonwoo and coerced me into thinking that he would be better with him rather than me, hear me out. I noticed them beforehand and Mingyu started to panic when he realised that I regarded his immediate attraction. We spent some time talking it through and decided that it was a new chapter in his life. Besides, I..." I trailed off for a moment as I attempted to figure out what to say next. I couldn't really tell him that I was in love with someone else and that contributed to our break up, but that was the truth. I had feelings for him and I couldn't stay with Mingyu when we both felt things for other people.

"I had my reasons for cutting it off too." It was said in a way that was as dignified as possible, in hopes that it would give Seungcheol a little hint but not tell him the whole story. He knew that I was into him, but it was still a bit of a taboo area for us. It was unchartered territory, and I wasn't prepared to tread there today. Not after his complaints about Mingyu moving on quickly. "So we invited Wonwoo over to my parents' house, then we sorted it all out and figured that it would be better if those two were together. Better for everyone, that is; not just Mingyu and Wonwoo."

Seungcheol just stared at me, not really knowing what he could say to defend his argument anymore. I did feel bad for shutting him down like that, but the last thing I wanted was for him to think that Mingyu was a bad person for falling in love with someone else so soon after we broke up when it was actually a mutual decision. We both knew that it was for the best, and he didn't need to be treated like an asshole for doing what I told him to do. And sure, it wasn't always great to jump from one relationship to the next, especially given that we were all working in the same store and on similar shift patterns, but it wasn't something that we were really going to stop. They knew that they wanted each other and I knew that too, so I wasn't going to try to force them to put it off for the sake of looking good.

"I still don't like them touching each other in front of everyone, though," Seungcheol said weakly. I could tell that he didn't really know what to say to me after what I had told him, but he still wanted to have some sort of argument behind his words. He wanted to show that he still wasn't happy with how things were in a way that avoided getting him shut down again.  
"I can agree with that," I told him as I moved slightly closer to where he was standing. A gentle touch to the arm and he became aware of the fact that he was incredibly tense. He tried his hardest to relax his muscles which, in turn, left his mind feeling a bit better. I could tell that right away; he didn't seem to be anywhere near as bothered by it as he had been before, and instead seemed to be relieved that I was on his side. "What I'd suggest is maybe talking to them about it and telling them that they don't need to be within a close proximity all the time."

That was all. Seungcheol gave a tiny nod and retreated back into himself - presumably from a mix of embarrassment and coolness - before quietly informing me that he would go down and tell them what I suggested he say. He wouldn't argue with them about the fact that they were dating, since he knew that it would end up escalating from there and would probably end up going around our colleagues unnecessarily, but he wouldn't really show his approval either. In addition, he would try his hardest to avoid bringing me up because the last thing he really wanted was for them to assume that I had been talking badly about them behind their backs. It was far from the truth, honestly, but that wasn't really something that was easy to prove if it did end up coming across like that. I'm sure that they trusted me, but it made too much sense for me to be angry over their relationship.

So that was that. End of discussion. It went a lot better than I expected, since I had anticipated that I would end up having to argue my case with Seungcheol for ages. I supposed that there probably wasn't much for him to argue against, though. What could he really say? "Even though you're telling me that you got them together and they could probably confirm this, I still think that it's a huge scandal and we should both be angry at them"? No, it was ridiculous. That would be completely undermining what I said in a way that would make it seem as if he knew our specific circumstances better than we did. That's not like Seungchel, and honestly I'm so unbelievably glad that he's not like that because it would be a complete deal-breaker if he argued with me over own feelings.

Saying that, you may have noticed how normal his behaviour was for a functioning relationship. Not that we had one just yet, but it was a sign that things could possibly work out for us. What he was doing was typical of a lover who had just found out that his partner was disrespected by someone. Quick to make assumptions, and desperate to appoint blame. It couldn't have possibly been my fault that I broke up with Mingyu, in his eyes, and he was absolutely ready to take him down.

I think I fell for him a little bit harder after it went down. Not only because he had been so ready to fight for me, but also because he had softened instantly under my touch. It gave me a strange sense of pride and empowerment, as if I could do something that no other person could do. As much as Choi Seungcheol told me that he thought it was direspectful for Mingyu to start dating again so soon after we broke up, I think we both knew that he was already essentially my boyfriend. Even when I was dating Mingyu, he was sort of my boyfriend at the side. We had feelings for each other so strong that it wasn't simply the case that I could see another boy and be happy without Seungcheol in my life.

I continued to pick for the shop for a little while, making sure to get everything done as quickly as possible so that it was out of the way and I didn't need to think about it anymore. It meant that whenever I did have a break from retrieving items, I had the opportunity to perch on the edge of the desk and think about my relationship with Seungcheol. Of course, I wasn't going to ask him to be my boyfriend right away and make it awkward. It would mean that either he would be very hypocritical, or he would straight-out reject me over it. I was going to wait for a few weeks and then simply gather the courage to ask him on a date. Bold and straight-forward; my plan was to approach him and announce that I had feelings for him and wanted to take things further. I would take him out for a meal, we would go back to my place, and I would make him coffee. I might even ask him to stay over for the night so that I could make him breakfast in the morning and cuddle him for a while longer.

Well, that was the plan anyway. I knew right away that it wasn't going to go perfectly and instead, it was probably going to end up causing a multitude of different issues. He would probably inform me that he didn't want to start a relationship with a colleague, for example, and that it would probably cause issues in our workplace. He might tell me that he still wasn't ready for a relationship, especially not with someone who didn't respect his feelings about that in the first place. Seungcheol might even tell me that he's no longer attracted to me as he once was but rather, he sees me like a friend or something instead.

We would just have to wait and see how it would go down.


	13. Chapter 13

My relationship with Choi Seungcheol was not normal in the slightest.

No, it didn't run anything like how I imagined it would when Mingyu and I broke up. I thought that he would snatch up the opportunity to ask me on a date shortly after I announced the break-up to him, but he didn't even bother. I thought that maybe by the end of the week, we would at least be hooking up. He seemed to be so protective over me that I wouldn't have been able to help myself. He could have told me that I was the most handsome man in his world and I would have probably been swept right off my feet. But Seungcheol wasn't that way inclined. He liked to pretend that he hadn't dropped his trousers to the floor so that I could take him into my mouth. He liked to pretend that he didn't have my body conforming to his every demand until my chest was heaving and fingernails left perfect crescent indents in his skin.

But everything stayed the same once I was single again. The same as it had been when I was actually dating Mingyu, not before we were together. There were no lunches brought to me at the start of the day, and he didn't ask me to kiss him when we were alone together. There was nothing informal between us still, and Seungcheol still addressed me how he had been for the past few months; my full name, with no hint of affection in his tone. It was at that point that it really set in for me how much I had ruined everything. I wanted nothing more than to go back and fix everything that I had messed up, but it wasn't really going to happen. The reality of life is that sometimes you make mistakes and can't go back in time to fix them. It's a harsh reality, in which you sometimes can't fix the mistakes in the future either, but it's your life and it's something you have to face.

To start with, I hoped that it was something that I could fix. I honestly hoped that more than anything in the world. There's nothing worse than falling in love with someone you can't have, other than falling in love with someone you can't have because you screwed up so severely with them that they don't want you anymore. So I decided just to be bold and make my way over to him at work, in hopes that it would make things better between us. "Seungcheol," I called out as I made my way over to him. He looked up from the desk and offered up a warm smile, despite his formal greeting in return. It was a step, I suppose, but it wasn't quite the step I was looking for at that point in time. I had been looking for a situation in which he adhered to the demands of my informality and returned the gesture. It was too much of an expectation.

"Could I treat you to dinner tonight?" I asked as I offered up the warmest possible smile. "My family are out of town for a few days and I don't want to be the sort of person who dines alone. Or spends the entire night cooped up inside the house."  
"Why don't you order take out or something?" he asked without missing a beat. His tone wasn't quite as harsh as I expected it to be, but it was still slightly bitter. It was as if he was trying to stop himself from coming across in a negative light, but also wanted to make it clear to me that we needed to keep some distance. And so he followed it up by adding, "After all, it would be cheaper and you wouldn't have to worry about dining alone in a restaurant. Call into your house and pretend that other people are there if you feel embarrassed about it."

"Or you could come and have take-out with me?" I pushed. Seungcheol inhaled deeply before letting out a breathy laugh.  
"I don't think we're at that stage in our friendship. You should check your headset for picks." The word 'friendship' tore through my core like a bullet. It absolutely shredded my very center and sucked the life out of me. Friendship. We were once lovers - almost boyfriends - and now we weren't at the point in our _friendship_ to spend time together. I was left in complete silence as I stared at him, not even trying to hide the fact that I was disappointed whatsoever, but then I promptly forced the smile that we both wanted to be present on my face before giving a nod.  
"I understand," I twisted through my teeth, "I apologise for being too forward. I hope you have a good day." With that, I turned back to my headset and began the hunt for a non-existent pick across the other side of the warehouse.

It was only really at that point that it set in for me _how much_ I had messed up with Seungcheol. I had always really assumed that we would be able to go back to how things were; that I could wave a magic wand and he would be drooling at my heels and telling me that he was still attracted to me more than he had ever been attracted to another person in his entire life. It was a childish fallacy and I should have known better at that age. In fact, I had even believed that Seungcheol was wrong for responding in such a way. I believed that he was cruel for treating me as if we didn't know each other anymore when we obviously had a relationship of sorts. Nowadays, though, I've come to realise two things. The first is that his reaction was based primarily on the fact that I made him seem like he was my second best, which he didn't want to be under any circumstances. The second is that he was justified in telling me to give him space because I had damaged our relationship by acting as if I wanted him right until he asked to take it slow.

These sorts of things are hard to admit to yourself. They really are. You only really realise that sometimes other people's feelings are completely justified when you grow up and take a step back. I recall being so upset with him that I avoided him for the rest of the shift, which was remarkably difficult to do when we were working on the same floor. It led to a lot of tension when we finished the shift and started on the way home too, especially when he saw me starting in the direction that he was walking and promptly put his headphones in his ears. My heart sank down into my stomach right away, and so I made a point of walking quicker than he was walking to reach the point we were due to part ways that little bit quicker. Without turning back once, I proceeded to walk as fast as I could back home, where I got enough take-out for three people and ate it all in one sitting.

In fact, I ended up spending the entire night binge-eating my feelings away. It was pretty much anything I could get my hands on; I just needed to indulge and feel better about myself for a moment. You see, the issue is that as soon as the rein is dropped during periods of high sexual and romantic tension between two individuals, the flame should simmer down. That should be it. No more desire to be all over each other. It certainly seemed as if Seungcheol was trying to bring us to a natural end in that sort of way; no more desire for each other, and a silent mutual decision to not pursue anything. I didn't really want to conform to that sort of expectation, but it felt as if it was necessary to do so under the new changes to our relationship. We weren't far enough into it to be able to spend time together outside of work.

By the time I got back into work the following day, I felt unbelievably low. I didn't really know how to face him, and so I started out by keeping to myself and hoping that we didn't bump into each other. It was obvious that he would be on shift with me, seeing as he was still in almost every day of the week, so I would simply go to another team leader and ask them where to go. Thankfully, Jihoon was around and so I asked him what I should do, and whilst he initially suggested that I speak to Seungcheol instead, he quickly caught himself and asked if I would check the rota for whoever had been working for the longest time by that point so that they could take their break. I did as instructed and successfully dodged him for around an hour.

At that point, he came over with the intention of speaking to me. It was something that I hadn't really anticipated when I got to work that day. Surely it made more sense to stay away from me if he had that much of a problem with me, I thought. After all, there wasn't anything I could really do to distance myself if he was going to try to pursue me still. "Jeonghan," he called out as he began searching through the aisles for me. I froze, completely silent out of fear that he was coming to me to start some sort of argument. Instead, he smiled weakly when he found me and gradually made his way over to where I was standing. "Hey, how was your evening?" he asked, sounding pretty hopeful as he did so. I couldn't help but laugh awkwardly in response.  
"It was actually pretty depressing, actually. In a house where every room I'm not sitting in is empty, eating enough fried chicken for a family. How was your evening?"

He chose to ignore the question. Instead, he gave an apologetic smile before taking a few more steps closer to me. "I was actually just coming over to apologise for my behaviour yesterday. There was no need for me to be so harsh towards you when you were simply lonely and in need of company. It was unreasonable to treat you as if we're complete strangers again when we were almost..." To start with, he simply trailed off as if he was expecting me to fill in the gaps. We made long, hard eye contact, in which he was determined to figure out how I would take it if he said it out loud. When my expression didn't change in the slightest, he visibly calmed. "Well, when we were almost dating." I let out the breath that I had been holding in and nodded.

"So I was wondering if you would like to come over to my place tonight for coffee, and perhaps we can clear the air as we drink?" Although he didn't say it specifically, I already anticipated from his tone that he had probably planned out every last detail of the event. It seemed as if he knew exactly what he wanted from our coffee-drinking experience; as if he had his specific words already mapped out on his living room table ready to surprise me. A huge part of me wanted to tell him that I didn't want to go home with him - a part that was determined to get my own back for the humiliation that I felt the night before - but I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I wouldn't visit his place. He gave a warm smile and informed me that he would be back to pick me up after work, then, since he had already finished his shift and needed to get some groceries before my arrival. I considered backing out at that point, but then he started to leave and I found myself staring after him without saying a word.

I ended up worrying about it for the remainder of my shift, actually. I was concerned that I would end up doing or saying something ridiculous and proving to him why it was a good idea for him to try to cut things off with me. But then as soon as I finished my shift, he was waiting for me by the front door. Jihoon looked between us, taking in how Seungcheol had very obviously walked all the way over to meet me again, and his eyebrow raised. I offered up the most apologetic smile that I could manage before heading towards Seungcheol and allowing him to guide me towards his place.

Unfortunately, the walk there was filled with what could only be described as the most uncomfortable attempt at small talk ever. Seungcheol tried to engage me in proper conversation but I couldn't really bring myself to give him any proper answers. I quickly caught on to to the fact that his patience began to dwindle, though, and so forced myself to give him some sort of proper answer, along with a question of my own. It was a huge relief when we finally got to his place, as a result, although the feeling quickly slipped away from me as soon as we opened the front door.

The first thing we were faced with were boxes. Cardboard boxes that were stacked high and falling apart. At least eight of them, all stacked wherever it was possible to stack them. Giving just enough room for us to pass as we entered the house and made our way through to the kitchen. As always, the kitchen was absolutely spotless, but there was also a distinct lack of basic essentials around the place. The knife block that had had a home next to the microwave was gone, the fruit basket from the table was missing, and there was no toaster at all. I looked around the room, trying to take in the bareness of the place. Seungcheol caught me after a few minutes and gave a sheepish smile.

"I forgot to mention the mess, sorry. I'm downscaling next week so that hopefully I can afford to live that little bit better." With that, he turned back to the hot water dispenser and pressed the button down. It began to whir loudly, but not so much that we couldn't talk.  
"How are you even going to downscale any further?" I asked him in amazement. It didn't really seem like the best thing to do, but I supposed that it was his choice really. Seungcheol flashed a glance over his shoulder.  
"The kitchen and living room are in one room, and the bathroom is separated from the bedroom with a screen."

I can't even begin to describe how horrified I was when I heard that. It didn't seem healthy to live in that environment whatsoever, even though Seungcheol tried to insist to me that it was fine. "It's actually around two-hundred thousand won cheaper per month, which means that I can probably eat better and pay off more of my debt."  
"But at what cost?" I asked him, "A two-room place where you're left living worse than a fully independent student?" He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. It seemed as if he had been considering the move for a while but was still unsure about it, if I was being completely honest, so he probably didn't really need that added reason to question it.

"I just can't live here anymore," he said finally, "My parents are starting to catch on to the fact that I'm not able to cope as well as I've made it seem, and downscaling might help to make it seem as if I have my life together. Plus the person who owns the property said that if I could afford it in the future, he might be able to let me buy it from him at a reduced price. You know, since I'll be paying rent for quite some time before I'm financially stable enough for that." There was a long pause before he realised what he had said and promptly turned back towards the hot water dispenser before switching it on to release another stream of water. It was an incredibly old-fashioned one, which released around enough water to fill a mug each time, but was quicker to come back to the boil after the first time.

"Sorry, I shouldn't speak so casually about it," he told me. Seungcheol's voice sounded deflated, although I could guarantee that he wouldn't talk to me about exactly what made him suddenly feel so negative if I was to ask him. So I dropped it. I moved closer to him in hopes that it would feel inviting, but didn't push it any further.  
"What brew of coffee is this?" I asked, in hopes that it would distract him from the issue that I had introduced. He dropped the spoon into one of the mugs and studied the jar for longer than necessary. Seemingly, he was trying to distract himself from our earlier conversation as well.

"It's the cheapest stuff from the discount grocery store. The granulated stuff that tastes like dirt. I hope it's not too unpleasant to drink."  
"I mean," I started, pausing for a moment after the first words came out so that I could figure out whether it was a good route to go down. It wasn't, but I continued nonetheless. "I've literally had another man's penis in my mouth. I'm sure I can drink cheap coffee, even if it does taste like dirt."

As much as I expected it to leave him uncomfortable, Seungcheol immediately broke into an amused smile. He tried to hide it as he prepared the drinks, and stayed completely silent as he carried them both over to the kitchen table. We sat there together, cupping the mugs between chilled fingers, before Seungcheol finally cleared his throat again. "So about our current situation, then - I have to admit it, my biggest issue is that I'd rather not be a rebound for your relationship with Mingyu." He said it so plainly that I couldn't even argue with him over it. The comment was a matter of fact, and it wasn't intended to be malicious. That much was obvious right away. He took another short sip from his mug and tried his hardest not to cringe at the scalding heat that met his mouth as soon as the liquid came in contact with it.

Now, I have to admit that in any other situation, I would want argue my case. I was still at that age where I needed to be right constantly. It wasn't a matter of defending myself; I just always needed to say the last word and be left lingering in his mind as a result of that. But this time, I felt no urge to do so whatsoever. It felt as if the usual argumentative side was tamed by Seungcheol's reasonable explanations for everything. He knew how he felt and how to put those feelings across in words, and so it wasn't really something that I could fight against. After all, where would it get us? Choi Seungcheol was that normal adult man who had his life together, and arguing unnecessarily wouldn't make him less of that composed individual; it would only make me seem like a complete and utter child. And if, by any chance, we _were_ to consider making something of our relationship, the last thing I really needed was to have the odds stacked against me because I couldn't have an adult conversation.

So I maintained composure. I took in a breath, and then gave a smile as I exhaled. "I understand that, but I can promise you that you won't be a rebound." One of Seungcheol's eyebrows twitched upwards, although I simply chose to ignore it, even when he started to speak.  
"How can you say that I won't be a rebound? You've just come out of a romantic relationship with another man and he's seeing someone else right away. You can't possibly be completely fine with that," he pointed out. I gave a shrug without even bothering to explain myself. I had already told him about the nature of our break up and so had assumed that he would have put two and two together, but I supposed that it was up to him if he didn't want to believe that we broke up because both of us - not just Mingyu - were interested in other people.

"Okay, but suppose that you _were_ a rebound. How long do you think that would last?"  
"It depends on how strong your feelings are for Mingyu. It might even last for the rest of your life if you were that into him. You know, the whole 'let them go if you love them' sort of thing? Anyway, you could theoretically spend the rest of your life waiting for the moment where Wonwoo announces that they're no longer into each other." I couldn't help but snort in response.  
"I can absolutely promise you that it's not the case."  
"How?"  
"I just can."

End of conversation. I wasn't going to continue until he eventually squeezed the truth out of me. Instead, I took a sip out of my mug before leaning slightly more towards him. "Anyway, could I ask you something that's been on my mind since yesterday?" I asked, waiting for a hum or nod of approval before continuing. "Could I ask you why we wouldn't be good enough friends to spend time together outside of work if we meet up with unfamiliar colleagues occasionally to do that exact thing?" To begin with, he just stared at me, as if he was expecting me to figure it out from what I had said. Then his expression switched to one of interest once he realised that I didn't understand the implicit meanings behind the cruel words. Up until that point, I had been expecting him to simply tell me that it was a cruel dig at how he saw me as being below new colleagues too or something, but it quickly became apparent that it was more than that.

"You know," he said delicately in a way that suggested to me that I _should_ know. Seungcheol's eyes hovered over my features for a moment before he decided to jump straight in and tell me. "Well, look at what's happened every time we've been alone together. The first time you begged me to take you and then we woke up naked together, even though nothing really happened. The second time, we ended up exchanging oral sex. The last thing I really wanted was to come over for pizza and end up with us going all the way." I hummed. It was neither one of acceptance nor rejection for what he had said, but rather just one of acknowledgement. It was open for him to interpret how he felt necessary.

"Would I be wrong if I thought that this was a sign that you were up to try something with me again?" I asked after a brief pause. Seungcheol obviously hadn't anticipated that I would fill the silence like that, as his head immediately snapped up towards me and his expression grew to be unreadable. In fact, all I managed to get from his expression was that he was alert once I said that. The silence resumed for a few seconds until he eventually shuffled in his seat.  
"I'd prefer it if we could move on from this conversation. I'm not ready for a relationship with you still, and that's another reason why I didn't want to visit you last night. I don't want to feel pressured into starting something like that. We're colleagues and we need to be careful about starting anything like that as it is, without the added pressure to jump into bed with you."

He took another long, slow sip of his coffee, making sure to divert his eyes away from my face. An almost infantile tactic for avoiding the response to what he had said, but I figured that it was his choice if he wanted to do something like that. Although I had made a promise to myself to avoid getting too defensive, it was at that point that he started to push my buttons. It was suggesting that I would try to force myself on to him in some way or another, and we both knew that I wasn't that sort of person. But for the sake of being civil, I simply gritted my teeth and took it.

"So I suppose that's everything we were supposed to be discussing," I announced. Then I lifted my own mug and swallowed the rest of the coffee back in one swig. It was already starting to go cold, but I didn't really care at that point in time. I needed to leave as soon as possible.  
"Wait, there was more to discuss," Seungcheol pushed. The instant spark of frustration was obvious from his expression.  
"What more can there be? You didn't want something to come out of visiting me yesterday, you're concerned that you're a rebound, and you apologised for treating me like a stranger. That should be everything."  
"Would you like more coffee?"

Seungcheol reached over to grab my mug before I had the chance to respond, and so I moved it away. He stood and moved closer to me before trying to take it from my hand. We made eye contact and he mumbled something about me being a child, since he could easily just put it in the sink for me if I didn't want another drink. So I stood up too. We were the exact same height, leaving me staring directly into his eyes. Time slowed, leaving us stood there for what felt like hours. That was, until I eventually just snatched the mug up with both hands and moved across the room. "It would be rude to expect the host to do everything."  
"It would be ruder for the host to expect his guests to help themselves instead of catering to their needs."

He made a grab for the mug again, and his hand ended up cupped around mine. I instantly froze as spears shot through my body and filled me with heat. His palm was soft and hot, despite the coolness of the room. His fingers squeezed around mine; a gentle pressure, but one that was absolutely welcome nonetheless. As much as I could try to say that I loathed the contact when I was already unhappy with him, the insistence sparked a fire between us. I was quick to cave under the pressure and allowed him to take the mug out of my hands, and then stood against the kitchen side as he boiled the water dispenser again. It whirred as it had the first time, but I found that I was a lot less sensitive to the sound of it this time. Instead, my eyes were glued to Seungcheol as he began to prepare the mugs again. He was careful to avoid letting the spoon get wet, in case the granules stuck to it.

Instead of sitting this time, though, we stayed at the counter with our drinks. For the first few minutes, we stayed quiet and allowed the drinks to calm the building fire between us, but then Seungcheol finally opened his mouth again and I honestly wish that he had kept it closed. "I was actually going to ask you again if you wanted me to change my shifts so that we can have some time away from each other." It was near enough impossible to stop myself from rolling my eyes at him. We had already been through that before and had decided that it was a poor decision, yet it was coming up yet again.  
"You know that it doesn't work like that," I said, perhaps a bit too firmly. "You're a manager and you're working almost every day. We can't just change shifts like that."  
"But I could arrange the rota so that--"  
"No, I'll just take a few weeks off, other than whatever day you're not in work."

He stared in horror as he realised that he had pushed himself into that corner and that I wasn't going to give in to the childish game of cat and mouse. "I'll mention it tomorrow. I don't need to pay rent or anything, so it doesn't bother me that I'll only be getting one shift a week, if that."  
"Jeonghan, no. We can work it out so that you--"

"Seungcheol, I'm done," I interrupted. All sorts of feelings were starting to brew in my chest. Hurt over the fact that we had circled back to this point. Angry that he would suggest something like that. Pained by the way that as much as we tried, a functional relationship seemed out of the question. Confused by my feelings for him. It was like an arsenic cocktail and I loathed it.  
"Done with what?" he asked quietly. It was even quieter than usual, I noted.  
"Just... everything. Everything. I'm... I wish I hadn't fallen for you in the first place because I was perfectly content when I didn't like you and your neurotic mess of a management style. I wish I didn't still have feelings for you after this, and I wish I had been able to push my feelings for you to one side so that I could've been happy with Mingyu without wanting you more."

And that was pretty much the end of it. He looked absolutely stunned by my confession, but he didn't once try to argue against my opinion. I was so sick of the way that he obviously didn't know how to make up his mind about how he felt towards me. I was sick of the way that I still wanted him even when he acted like we were never 'us'. I drank my coffee and left so that I didn't have to discuss it with him anymore. The spark between us when our hands touched suddenly didn't mean anything to me anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry for taking so long to post this one!! It's been a while, and I completely understand that I've destroyed my regularity, but a lot of things have happened lately and it's been difficult to post. Everything from cat-sitting to preparing for work to moving house to arranging the final details of my sister's birthday gift, it's been so full-on lately!!
> 
> As a heads up, I'm due to start a six-week job next Wednesday, but I'll try to get as many chapters as possible out by then and I'll write whilst I'm away - there's internet but this site is blocked on the network, so I'll have to either post them from the local coffee shop or once I get back.
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	14. Chapter 14

Seungcheol and I ended up having to work separately in the end. It just worked out better that way. The last thing we really wanted was to make things uncomfortable. And considering that we weren't the only ones working there, it just seemed rude to make things awkward by making other people uncomfortable too. It was my pet peeve when it came to spats between colleagues, and so I wasn't prepared to be one of those people too.

I cut my hours down significantly so that we could keep this plan going. I began to work just three days a week - an average of fifty hours - and one of those days would always be when Seungcheol wasn't at work. One of the other days was when he was taking an early morning shift. The other day required us to be in at the same time, although I always made sure to go wherever he wasn't working. If he was working with the delivery staff, I would be upstairs. If he was supervising upstairs, I would be downstairs. It was hardly a difficult task, though. He respected my decision to create distance by avoiding me as much as possible. Even when our friends pushed for us to talk to each other, we always made sure to avoid it as much as possible. Our relationship was back to being a professional one and I absolutely hated it, but I wasn't going to have a man treating me how he treated me. And sure, I had started it, but Seungcheol made sure that I felt awful about what I did as much as physically possible, which was absolutely awful. It had passed, and I hadn't really wanted that sort of fate to result from it.

I have to admit, I did end up flirting with other guys as a result of it. I took up some hobbies, seeing as I had a lot of free time. Boys took me on dates, and I kissed a lot of them. Boys took me home and slept with me, and I knew that they were the rebounds but I couldn't bring myself to tell them that. It just didn't seem to be right to tell them that. I had already put one person in that position before and even if I didn't really care for them like that, no one wanted to know that they were my rebound. So I kept it quiet and to myself, and just hoped that they wouldn't ask me for a second date. None of them ever did and I quickly realised that I was probably just a quick fling for them, as they were for me, but I still kept the thought in the back of my mind in case someone did want to make something out of our exchange.

During that time, I matured a lot. Other than using boys as rebounds, of course. I realised my worth, and I begin to realise my flaws too. I realised that Seungcheol wasn't worth my time if he was going to treat me how he did, but then I wasn't worth his time for how I treated him in return. I realised that what I did to him was disgusting and that if I was in that position, I wouldn't be happy with him. It really changed me, and it meant that I was able to sort out a lot of my own inner conflict relatively quickly. It's good to have that sort of thing going on in your mind, even if it does make you realise that you're a genuinely horrible person, and it gives you space to change. The beauty of life is that if you spend time reflecting upon your mistakes like that, you can usually get everything sorted pretty well. The last thing I really wanted was to ever have someone hate me throughout the rest of their life because I didn't apologise to them, and so I actually started a project during that period of my life. I made a list of all of the people I had never apologised to, and I got to work in apologising to everyone.

I started out by calling my aunt and apologising for calling her a bitch when I was younger. I didn't know what the word meant when I was seven but I refused to take it back because I didn't like her and the word felt fitting. Likewise, I apologised to my cousin for the fact that I stole her boyfriend. I didn't think that affairs were good, and I don't know why I allowed myself to get caught up in that sort of affair, but I did it and I regret every last minute of it. She deserved better than to have her snake of a cousin make out with her boyfriend in her bedroom during her party, and I really appreciated that she had reason to hate me for it. Then I went around the people from school who I could find on social media. I apologised to Seulgi for calling her the fat one of her friendship group when my issue was with the way that she spoke down to people. Interestingly, she apologised for calling me names too, and told me that although a dig into her appearance when I knew that she was suffering from self-esteem issues was low, it would have hurt more for me to take a dig at her personality and frankly, we both deserved to feel bad. I had to agree, honestly, and we quickly sorted things out with each other.

Then I moved on to my mentor - Kim Youngho - from my first day at my second high school. I had to transfer halfway through the school year and it meant that I was given a guide to look after me for a couple of weeks whilst I settled into the new environment. He made sure that I was looked after in class and that I knew how to find all of the rooms that I needed - the toilets, library, canteen, and club rooms. He took such good care after me, but I decided to blow him off because I thought that he was too soft and boring. I began avoiding him after class and hanging out with the people who he had warned me against, since they were the sort who smoked and drank alcohol at seventeen years old. It was a bit of a kick in the teeth for him, honestly, and so I messaged him to apologise for the fact that I was so mean to him. I knew that he had good intentions and was out to make sure that I didn't feel left out or get lost, and I was just cruel to him. He seemed surprised when he read the message but thanked me for the apology before telling me that he didn't hold it against me, even if he was disappointed by how everything developed back when we were teenagers.

Finally, I began to apologise to the people at work who I had upset in the past, either intentionally or unintentionally. I apologised to Hansol for the way that I pushed his shopping cart out of the way when he was in the middle of using it, since I knew that he was busy and I was just intruding. He told me that he had forgotten about it, but I felt so guilty that I had to confess to the fact that I had been spiteful toward him on a handful of occasions. I apologised to Jihoon for dragging him into drama all the time, and then to Chan for calling him my baby constantly. He actually laughed at that, mind you. He laughed and told me that he's still my baby if I want him to be, and he just fakes irritation. He loves me, apparently, and wanted nothing more than to be my baby. It's just the sort of relationship that we have. I have to admit, I was relieved over that one. The last thing that I really wanted was for him to be awkward with me. I couldn't stand the thought of him disliking me over that sort of thing.

Anyway, the bottom line is that I grew up. I grew up a lot. I developed into a better person and sorted my life out. I sorted out my conflicts and issues, and apologised to those I had hurt in the past. And I thought that that would take my mind off things. Unfortunately for me, though, it didn't fix anything inside of me. That sort of feeling stays good for a moment. You think that everything will instantly feel better - that everyone will come to love you and you'll stop worrying about the fact that you're in the middle of a war with the man you love despite everything that's happened between you. It doesn't happen, though. It's not that easy. I think it's because there are still people to apologise to, even when you've apologised to so many other people in your life. The first person to apologise is to the man you're still in love with, even though you're never going to work as a couple, because you know that it's the only way to either get over him or make something work. The second person to apologise to is yourself; the person you always hurt more than anyone else in the world. I've hurt myself as much as I've hurt Seungcheol, and I feel as if I deserve that apology from myself too.

So I went to do it. I typed out my apology note to Seungcheol. I stood in front of the mirror and prepared myself to explain how I always did myself wrong. I couldn't do it, though. I couldn't bring myself to apologise to either one of us. In my mind, there was still this niggling feeling that Seungcheol didn't deserve the time of day and I didn't feel as if I was good enough for him, meaning that I felt as if I deserved everything that I was given. It was ridiculous; a constant internal battle at all times which essentially left me drowning in my negative feelings. It's hard to put it into words, but it was just a bad time in my life and I needed to get rid of all of the feelings that I had attached to Seungcheol.

Which was why everything became awkward when we were both asked to go into the store manager's office one shift. Both together.

By that point, I had been trying harder than anything to push Seungcheol to the back of my mind. It was something that I was desperate to do, but it was so easily ruined by the request for us both to join the manager in his office. It was only made worse by the fact that Seungcheol was sent to fetch me, too. "We need to go to the manager's office," he told me, "It's apparently something really important." I couldn't help but sigh in response. Going to the manager's office with Seungcheol was probably the last thing that I wanted to do with my time. I anticipated that it was going to be something bad, since the manager only ever saw one member of staff at a time, and so I mentally prepared myself for everything that was due to come. Would he ask me about how I felt towards Seungcheol? Did one of the other managers tell him about our arrangement to avoid each other? Did he notice the drastic changes to the rota?

When we went in, though, the manager was smiling. "How are you both feeling today?" he asked. His voice was a lot cheerier than either of us had anticipated, and so we were both naturally thrown off-guard right away. We looked at each other for a second, and then Seungcheol answered.  
"I can't speak for Jeonghan, but I'm actually having a very good day today," Seungcheol told him with a smile. Then the attention was on me. _Obviously_ they would want me to answer too. I should have expected that, instead of hoping that I wouldn't have to answer the question.  
"I'm okay, thank you. It has been pretty busy today, though. A lot busier than usual for a Wednesday." The manager's smile grew and he gave a nod before pointing out that we were getting close to Chuseok so it was to be expected.

He proceeded to chat with us about various different things. Whether we had enjoyed the summer, what our plans were for Chuseok, and whether we were working much over the following week. It was idle chat, probably to calm us down before we had the opportunity to get worried, and it was strangely successful in the end. I had been incredibly worried at the start, having been concerned that I had been reported for my interactions with Seungcheol or that someone found out about my experiences with Mingyu and Wonwoo, but it became more and more obvious that he was looking for a friendly chat instead by the time we got to the point where the conversation began to drift towards the true discussion.

"Do you know why I called you both in here today?" he asked after the small talk had died down. Neither of us replied right away, and so he proceeded to fill us in right away. "I'm not sure if you're both aware, but our company has a huge corporate meeting in Busan twice every year. Two members of staff from every single branch - one manager and one regular member of staff - will attend this meeting and will learn what is coming up for the company in the future. There is a huge training session, in which the company policies for various aspects of the job are discussed. If you don't like something, you're more than welcome to speak up about it and the big bosses will see what they can do to change things. Following that, there is an afternoon seminar in a smaller group, which seeks to increase confidence in the areas that are discussed. The staff who attend these seminars then come back with the information that was taught in the seminar - the new things that have been adapted to deal with any issues that people are facing - and will teach the staff in their own branch about it all."

To start with, I didn't really understand where he was going with it all. I just expected that he would be asking us to nominate people for the training weekend. After all, I'm hardly the member of staff who would be asked to go to that sort of event, and Seungcheol didn't really seem like he was the sort of person to do it either. But then the manager asked us if we would be happy to attend. It was a bit awkward, actually; I didn't want to admit to him that I would sleep on a bed of thorns before I spent the weekend in Busan with Seungcheol, but I figured that it would come across as being rude. After all, the manager didn't exactly know what our problem was. He hadn't seen the arguments that had gone down as a result of our brief affair, and he certainly didn't know about the issues that had come up following the coffee evening either. I opened my mouth to reject the offer, but Seungcheol was in there before I could speak.

"Could I ask a few questions first, please?" he asked as politely as possible. Of course, the manager gave his approval and so Seungcheol gave an appreciative dip of his head. "I don't mean to sound rude, but would we need to travel there by train both days? I'm just concerned that it would be relatively taxing for us to have to travel there and back in one day, and the costs would be rather high for early morning trains."  
"Oh, you don't need to worry about that," he replied, his smile coming back even stronger on his face. "We'll be paying for your early morning trains there, and then for your hotel room. However, I do have to ask if you would both be happy to share a room? You wouldn't have to share a bed, obviously, but the issue is that we've booked out a huge, expensive hotel for all of the staff but there are very limited rooms and we're concerned that we won't be able to have everyone staying in the same hotel if we can't get as many people as possible to share rooms. As much as possible, we're trying to pick people who know each other well and only really separating the rooms if there is a male-female mix from one branch."

I swallowed. I didn't really know what to say. Seungcheol and I would be sharing a room if we were to go to this seminar. I couldn't think of anything that I wanted to do less than that. It sounded like a complete and utter nightmare, and I fully intended on backing out until the manager brought up the pay for it. "Not only will you get the hotel room and tickets free, but you'll also get free meals and a drink, and we'll be paying you three-hundred thousand won for the weekend. Plus extras when you come back and teach what you've learnt to everyone else. It's specialist training, and so we're more than happy to pay well for your time." That was a game-changer. Not only for myself, but also for Seungcheol. I knew that he needed that money, and he knew that I probably wanted it just as much. I _was_ saving up for my own place, after all. I had to get the money somehow and this would definitely be a good sum to put towards my deposit.

I supposed that I could put it to one side if we were being paid that much. Seemingly, Seungcheol felt the same way. He immediately turned towards me, his eyes glimmering with a sudden interest, and then he raised an eyebrow inquisitively. "You don't mind it if we share a room, do you?" he asked. I shook my head slightly.  
"I don't think it'll be that much of a big deal. After all, we get our own single beds so--"  
"Double beds," the manager chimed in right away. "You both get your own double beds. Standard policy at the hotel; no single or twin rooms have just single beds."  
"We get our own _double_ beds, then," I corrected myself. "Considering that, I don't think we'll be getting into each other's personal space too much."

That seemed to make the manager happy. He immediately whipped out a sticky notepad and a pen and then pressed the nib to the paper for a moment before looking back up at us both. "Am I welcome to put your names down on the list, then? I have to submit the names of all of the staff who are attending, since we have to arrange for identification checks and welcome packs to be prepared for your arrival, but you're still more than welcome to drop out if anything changes. Is that okay?" Of course, we both gave nods. There was a moment of silence as he wrote our names down on the paper with practised precision in his penmanship, but then Seungcheol suddenly let out a noise of alarm, which drew our attention to him right away.  
"Oh, sorry. I have one last thing to ask, if that's okay," Seungcheol asked before I could get too into the idea of this plan going ahead. We both waited in silence for him to continue with what he wanted to say, and so he resumed right away. "What weekend would it be, please?"

"It would be Saturday 6th and Sunday 7th October," he announced, "That wouldn't cause any issues for you, would it?" My heart immediately sunk in my chest. It was my birthday weekend. I was supposed to be spending that time with my family - although we didn't really have a solid plan for what we were going to do just yet - and so it didn't really feel right to just drop that at the last minute. Sure, we had two or three weeks of notice, but I was sure that they weren't going to be happy with me when I told them that I was planning on going to a training session with my workplace. Obviously, Seungcheol caught on pretty quickly as well and his head immediately snapped around towards me as soon as he heard it.  
"That's your birthday, isn't it?" he asked. The manager winced slightly.  
"Ah, Jeonghan. I'm sorry to ask you to go on your birthday weekend. If you don't want to go ahead with it, I can always find someone else," he pointed out. But I was too determined to go there, since it was good pay and would probably be a nice experience too.

"I think I'd rather go to the training session. I don't have any plans for my birthday anyway. It's just another day." It was only a small lie. Neither of them really needed to know that it wasn't the complete truth either. With a convincing smile, neither Seungcheol nor my manager would be able to tell any difference. They seemed to pity me, of course, but they didn't try to sway my decision in any way. After all, what would be the point? If I didn't even need any time to think about my answer, I obviously wasn't going to be swayed by a suggestion that I should stay at home instead. They figured that it was best to just save their breath and I had to agree with them on this one.  
"I can set you up with dessert at dinner and an extra glass of whatever you'd like to drink. Get something that would make it worth your time to be a part of this training session," my manager offered, although I was quick to reject his offer.  
"I think you're giving me plenty by giving me food and a night in a fancy hotel," I admitted with a smile. "That's enough for me."

As much as he tried to push it that little bit more, I could see that my manager was happy with the response. It made me seem as if I was responsible and mature, rather than the child that I had been channelling for so much of my life until that point. Even Seungcheol seemed surprised, actually; he stared at me for a moment before turning back to our manager and waiting to be dismissed. And as soon as we were out of the room, he was on me right away. "Jeonghan," he called out as he followed me down towards the break room. "Why would you want to go to a training session on your birthday weekend?" he pressed. I didn't really have much of an answer for him, really, other than the fact that we were getting paid a substantial fee. It certainly wasn't anything to do with the time that we would be spending together, but I anticipated that it was the answer that he was expecting. So I simply shrugged and made my way into the room to make myself a coffee. He followed me, although there was more of a distance between us than there usually would have been in the break room.

"What do you mean when you shrug like that? Surely it would be nicer to spend time with your friends or family instead of being at a conference with me. You would probably end up having a lot more fun, you know."  
"I don't really think that birthdays are a big deal," I lied. Seungcheol caught on to it right away.  
"I'm pretty sure that it is a big deal to you," he pointed out, "You're making it seem as if you didn't have a calendar app on your phone which tracks your birthday and how close it is. I heard you telling Soonyoung that you were going to start a thirty-day countdown for your birthday, and that you were planning on bringing a cake to work so that everyone would be able to celebrate your special day with you. That doesn't sound like no big deal to me, frankly."

Okay, I couldn't really argue with that. I stood there and made my coffee in silence, trying my hardest to ignore the fact that I had just been called out for lying. But Seungcheol didn't push it any further; in fact, he simply took a few more steps closer to me and pressed his hands to the counter next to me. "If you're going to come along to this seminar, I'm going to get you a birthday gift. Tell me what sort of things you like."  
"You should know me by this point," I pointed out quietly. "We were half-seeing each other for quite some time. I thought that I was easy enough to read." Seungcheol let out an exasperated noise and put more of his weight onto his hands, leaning more against the counter in the process.  
"I know what sorts of things you like, but I don't know what you'd like for your birthday. You might like unicorn-themed food and colourful kitchenware, but that's hardly the sort of gift that you buy a man for his twenty-third birthday. Do you want a spa visit? A massage? A cooking class? I don't know what sort of thing that would be good for a birthday."

So he did sort of know me. Just a little bit, although I supposed that that was a little bit more than most people at our workplace knew me. I felt a little bit embarrassed, since I didn't really think that he would remember my interest in such silly little things. So I tried to push the idea aside. "You know you can't afford to get me a birthday present. I'd rather you keep the money you would spend on me and use it to pay some of your debt off." I resisted the urge to add to the end that it would mean more to me if he did that, as I knew right away that it would come across different to how I intended it to come across. What I meant was that I didn't like to see him overworking himself constantly and making himself ill, as a result of not being able to have time off work. You can dislike a person and still be uncomfortable with the thought of them suffering from poverty.

At least, that's what I liked to think I felt about the whole situation. By this point, you probably know me enough to know that I still definitely had feelings for him, and that was that. We'll just drop that idea, though, because I hadn't really been thinking about it at that point, and I feel like it's just a side note nowadays; something that I knew but didn't know, all at the same time.

He was oblivious to what I wanted to add, though. He didn't really need to know that. He tried to argue with me over it until I had finished my coffee, and then I promptly pointed out that I hadn't bought him a birthday gift so he didn't need to feel as if he owed me one. If he wanted to make something of birthdays in the future, I could initiate it by getting him a gift for his birthday in August, and then he could get me something that matched on price and quality for my birthday later in the year. Of course, I would make sure to plan my gift so that it didn't affect him too much if he was still financially unstable, but I hoped that by that point, he would have wiped off quite a bit of his debt. I recall him telling me that his debt had actually racked up to almost five million won, since his wage went straight back into his rent and other bills so he didn't really have that much to spend on getting rid of them. According to the group chat, this total had also come about after he had had to pay for a new boiler, a new fridge and a new washer over the past few months, plus all of the charges to move house, so it was simply adding and adding to the point where he was going even further under.

But then with this pay, the money that he saved by moving house, and the hours that he was taking, I calculated that he would be able to reduce his debt to just under two-million won in the next year. Which is impressive, frankly. Provided that nothing else ended up coming up, he would be debt-free in two years, and would probably even be able to start saving up so that he would be able to live comfortably. That was what I wanted to see from Seungcheol, frankly, and so I was planning on avoiding birthdays in the future too. I planned to avoid making a huge deal out of it at work, choosing not to let any of our colleagues know about it, and I wasn't even going to be having birthday drinks or anything either. It was going to be a regular day, as would our time at the conference. It was ridiculously long-term planning, but it made me feel better to think that it was for Seungcheol's benefit. Even if he didn't necessarily deserve it.

Okay, so I cared for Choi Seungcheol a bit. Not enough to apologise to him for everything that happened between us, but enough to want to see him getting better and enough for my birthday to not mean much this time around. Could you blame me, though?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm due to start my new job on Wednesday so these may be my last few chapters for a little while (note: "chapters" with an "s") until I get back and have stable internet access again. I'll be living in a castle for six weeks, which would be great if it wasn't for the fact that I only have access to my emails and basic Google searches in that time. Plus I'll be working from 7:30am to around 10:30pm every night, so it would probably take a while to update anyway
> 
> However(!!!!!!!!!!!!) my parting gift to you all is a few chapters, all posted over the next day. I'm hoping to get at least three posted, but I'll go for five if I have time. Obviously packing is a bit of a priority too, plus I have a few extra things to sort out before I leave!!
> 
> Thank you for your patience <3


	15. Chapter 15

As much as I hate to admit it even today, I ended up staying at Seungcheol's place on the night before we had to go to the seminar. Seungcheol's new house was a ten-minute walk away from the station, so it made sense for us to stay there and then leave early in the morning. It meant that neither of us would be late, and we would be able to catch the train together with no problem. We didn't share a bed, or even a room - rather, he gave me his bed and insisted that he would take the sofa. And as much as I tried to argue that I could take the sofa instead, he wasn't having any of it. So I gave in after just a few minutes of arguing with him.

Considering that the house was so tiny and cheap, I had expected that the furniture would be uncomfortable, but it turned out that it was all very nice for sitting and sleeping. I had been anticipating the worst when I first arrived at his place, having come up with my own expectations for the place before we had even left work that evening. Yet, it blew my expectations right out of the water without any problems at all. The sofa was so soft that I sank down into the pillows when I sat down, even if it did creak loudly when we both sat at the same time, and he had a queen-sized bed with the most wonderful memory foam mattress topper. That bed was quite possibly the best bed I've ever slept in throughout my entire life, and even now I find myself thinking about how I miss when he had that bed. Even though we had our differences about his downscale, I had to admit that I was quite happy to be able to sleep at his house when it was so homely and nice.

In fact, even having dinner the night before we went to the seminar was good. Seungcheol made some fried chicken and it was probably the nicest homemade chicken that I had ever tasted. He was nervous to give it to me so I made sure to tell him that it was very nice right away. That left him smiling brightly, and I was happy to see that response. It showed that he wasn't cocky about his cooking abilities, which I liked, and it also helped to calm him down when he was obviously a little bit nervous about us going to the seminar together as it was. We ended up chatting for a few hours about anything that came up, and then he showed me to the bedroom so that I could get some rest. We needed to be up at around six o'clock the following morning, so it was pretty important that we got enough sleep.

"I changed the bedsheets, so you don't need to worry about sleeping in my sweat or anything," he told me as he arranged the pillows and found something for me to wear for the night. I had completely forgotten to take anything warm to wear whilst I was at Seungcheol's house, since I had forgotten that it wasn't really the warmest house in the world. Of course, the hotel room was going to be a little bit warmer, but Seungcheol was concerned that I wouldn't be able to sleep well if I was too cold that night. So he found me one of his oversized t-shirts and a pair of fleece trousers, and I immediately pulled them on in front of him. Strangely, though, Seungcheol's head snapped away from me at such a force that I expected it to fly clean off his body. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable by staring at you," he told me when I asked him. It seemed a bit weird for him to be concerned about that sort of thing, but I wasn't going to call him out over it.

So then I climbed into bed. Seungcheol studied me for just a moment, and then he mumbled a goodnight comment before making his way into the other room to go to sleep. I heard the sofa creak under his weight as he curled up on it, but that was the last noise I really heard until I woke up to the sound of his alarm in the other room the following morning. I felt disorientated when I sat up in the bed, suddenly unaware of where I was, but then everything came flooding back and I realised that I was with Seungcheol, and so I clambered out of bed and made my way into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Of course, I had completely forgotten about the fact that Seungcheol was sleeping in that room and so as I stood there with the glass of water in my hand, I was shocked to see Seungcheol pulling himself up to sit on the sofa, wearing nothing but boxers.

I have to admit, it threw me off-guard right away. I was there wearing his clothes because I was cold, whilst he was wearing next to nothing. It wasn't any warmer in that room, and he didn't even have a blanket so he would have probably been even colder. It was just a bit weird, I had to admit, but I wasn't really going to complain about his nudity either. Instead, I gave an embarrassed smile and turned my gaze to the glass in my hand until he spoke up. "Do you mind if I go to the bathroom, or do you want me to wait until you're ready?" he asked.  
"It's your house," I pointed out, "You can go to the bathroom whenever you want to go to the bathroom. I'm not here to restrict that." Seungcheol judged my expression for a little while before giving a nod of understanding, and then made his way through the house again so that he could do what he needed to do.

So I ended up sitting in his main room until he eventually returned, figuring that it wouldn't be great if I disturbed him whilst he was in the bathroom. As he had said before, the bedroom and bathroom were separated but not by much, and it meant that I would be able to hear exactly what he was doing the entire time. I didn't really want to be that sort of person who invaded his privacy like that. So I tried to find something to do with myself in the meantime. Finishing my drink and washing up the glass. Rearranging the sofa cushions. Clearing up after dinner. Eventually he emerged again, wearing the semi-formalwear that we were supposed to have for the event. My breath temporarily caught in my throat when I saw him, although I tried my hardest to hide it behind a slight nod of acknowledgement in his direction. Everyone looks good in button-up shirts and dress trousers, after all, and so my response was merely in reaction to what I was seeing on his frame.

"It's all free for you to get ready now," he announced, "Don't worry about the dishes; I'll finish those off whilst you get yourself sorted. You can take a shower if you want - the towels are in the cupboard under the sink." I thanked him before making my way into the bathroom. For a moment, I considered having a shower. It would have been nice to make myself feel clean upon waking up. Yet, I had a strange feeling that it would end up costing him a bit if I did. After all, he was the only one living there so an extra shower would probably end up using up a lot more water. Plus I had a feeling that he usually took cold showers to save on heating but wasn't prepared to tell me that he did that, so I would be wasting more than just water. Instead, I simply washed myself quickly using the water from the sink; I had had a shower at my parents' house before I left to meet Seungcheol, so I wasn't really that dirty anyway. I would just have a proper shower when we finally arrived at the hotel.

By the time I had finished getting clean and dressed, Seungcheol had finished washing everything up and the house was looking presentable again. He looked at me for a moment, his eyes lingering on my face longer than they did on any other part of my body, and then he simply gave a respectful dip of his head. "Are you ready to start heading towards the station?" he asked. I nodded, of course. Seungcheol simply gave an approving hum to the fact that I was happy to go ahead and get moving, and so we promptly made our way out of the house and to the station. We were relatively silent as we walked together - a direct result of the grogginess of being newly awake and the cool morning air meeting the bare skin of our cheeks - but when we got to the station, Seungcheol suddenly perked up and led me over to the ticket machines. It was as if his body had gone into automatic mode, and he knew exactly what we needed to do. The ticket reference number was punched into the machine, the tickets were spat out at us, and then we made our way over to the platform to wait for our train.

The station was almost empty, as was to be expected at such an hour. We had passed the usual morning rush hour, but we hadn't quite reached the point where off-peak commuters would start arriving. I stretched up, trying to wake myself up, but the attempts at staying awake were relatively short-lived when we eventually got on to the train. Seungcheol and I sat next to each other and got out things to do - a book for myself and puzzle for Seungcheol - but then we quickly ended up falling asleep again. I could feel myself nodding off as I read so I slipped my bookmark right back into the book, but Seungcheol seemingly didn't have that same thought. I noticed him drawing lines on the page in his sleep - weak lines with a soft hand - whilst his eyes were lidded. I thought to laugh at him; to mock him over the fact that he was making such a mess of himself on the train like that. But in the end, I had fallen asleep too, and I had probably been even more embarrassing. My head kept lolling around, as if my sleep-deprived self had been trying his hardest to stay awake but had ultimately failed, and I had even ended up dribbling a little bit. Thankfully, there was no one else on the train to notice it but myself.

In fact, even Seungcheol didn't notice it. He was still asleep in the final hour of the journey. I couldn't really say that I blamed him, if I was being completely honest. The issue was that we were asked to go there a day early, since we were invited for a dinner and introductory mingle before the event actually started. It meant that we would have to socialise that little bit more; that we would have to go out of our way to chat with people and be social. It wasn't exactly the most fun thing that I could imagine, especially since Seungcheol and I were both pretty introverted when it came to social events, but we could hardly back out when we were getting a second free night in a hotel and a free dinner, plus even more free drinks. We would ultimately end up spending a lot of our time there, meeting new people and getting to know the other people who worked for the company. It was going to be a pretty big thing and we would need all of the sleep that we could get.

The issue, though, was the fact that he had actually fallen asleep on me. His head was tucked delicately against the side of my neck, as if he had been trying to seek out the warmth of physical contact. Now, whilst I would have usually tried to push him away, I couldn't bring myself to do it this time. He was peaceful and resting, and the last thing I wanted was to disturb that. If I was in that position, I would just hope that he would do the same thing for me. On top of that, I supposed that I owed him a little bit. He gave me a place to stay before our trip to the seminar. He made me food and gave me his bed. And then, on a slightly longer-term basis, he hadn't told the manager that he didn't like me and I didn't like him because we both mutually understood that we were in need of the money. We had a rather strange relationship, but I was more than happy to let him continue sleeping on me, given the circumstance.

I don't think he even realised that he had been cuddling with me, actually. By the time he woke up, he had moved again so that he was resting against the window. I planned on keeping it that way. His head simply popped up and he looked around, clearly feeling pretty disorientated. There were more people on the train, we were in the middle of a really open part of the country, and we were sat in formalwear. It was no wonder that he was feeling pretty out of it, in all honesty. But he looked at me with a look of confusion on his face for a minute, and then he promptly broke into a shy smile. "How long was I asleep?" he asked quietly. I smiled back at him.  
"Almost two hours. You know, we only have around a half hour left of this journey now." I paused for a moment, glancing behind him towards the fields that surrounded the train. "Part of me wished that we had taken the slow train so that we could have slept more or just simply avoided spending time with people."

"You know the manager, though," Seungcheol pointed out. His voice came out hoarser this time as he tried to form full sentences. I couldn't help but smile in response, and hope more than anything that he didn't catch on to exactly why I was so happy.  
"Yeah, he's always wanting us to get there a bit faster. But I guess it would have saved the company money if we actually did get a slower train, wouldn't it?"

There were a number of other things that I wanted to add, but I figured that it was best not to push it too far. After all, he had only just woken up and we were about to have a full day of socialising, so I didn't really want to wear him out this early. Seungcheol just gave a nod and shrug before tidying the desk in front of him. The puzzle and pen were both slipped right back into his bag, and then he promptly adjusted his position on the seat. "I'm not looking forward to the socialisation part either," he admitted. "I trust that you won't tell the manager, in case I sound ungrateful or anything, but I feel as if the socialisation is a little bit of a deal-breaker. I can't think of anything I'd like less than to have to spend hours socialising on our first evening there, without it even having a special reason. Sure, it's nice to be able to discuss things that would be useful for business or work, but discussing irrelevant things for the sake of having a good time with your colleagues is a little bit different." He paused for a moment before pressing his body further against the seat. "I don't know, I just don't really like the thought of this."

"Think on the bright side," I suggested to him. "At least we're going to get free food out of it. Plus we can say that we're going to take our bags to the hotel room as soon as the rooms are ready at five o'clock, which means that we might be okay to spend a bit of time there without having to spend time with other people. We could even take a nap and get something to eat, I think. If you'd prefer to do that. Just something to help us to recover from the stress of doing so much and speaking to so many people." He actually seemed to be pretty impressed with the idea. It was the excuse that we both really needed; introverted minds thought alike and it meant that we would both be comfortable with the outcome too. Neither of us really wanted to socialise more than we needed to socialise, and that was great.

Then Seungcheol's eyes suddenly lit us. "You know what we _could_ do, too?" he asked. I raised an eyebrow. "We could maybe leave early if we really weren't feeling it by telling them that we're going out for your birthday. The vouchers for tonight can be used at the hotel, but also at any of their partner places. I can tell people that as your manager, I'm planning on taking you somewhere away from the energy of the hotel in order to celebrate your birthday in a calmer, more relaxed way." 

Actually, it sounded like a surprisingly good idea. The thing is, we might have been having issues at that point in time, but there was no denying that we liked each other more than we liked anyone else. That was the thing, really. You can really dislike your colleagues, but if you're faced with either spending time with them or spending time getting to know strangers who you don't even really know that much, you'd still probably spend time with the colleague. After all, you know enough about each other to have that bit of dislike going on, and so there's none of that awkwardness going on where you don't want to chat but the other person does. And then there's the fact that Seungcheol and I were actually involved with each other. We knew each other better than most regular colleagues did. He knew what bothered me and I knew what bothered him. We knew how to push each other's buttons, but we also knew that neither of us was really all that fond of spending time with other people. It was something that worked out for the best, really.

"I think we should give it a shot," I told him with a smile. "That way, it's not much of a bother if we're caught having dinner outside of the hotel too. If someone walks past, there won't be any issues. We won't have any colleagues thinking that we're dating each other if it's spread around that we're going out for my birthday, and then we also have an excuse for doing something private and quiet." Seungcheol seemed to be pretty satisfied by my answer, and so we quickly decided that that was the way forward with it all. It was the plan right from the start. We began to advertise it from the moment we got to the social event, and it was something that was due to continue all the way through the day.

I'm absolutely serious. I showed my identification card to one of the company directors, and he immediately broke into a smile as he wished me a belated happy birthday. Seungcheol immediately broke into a grin as he told me that we were lucky to have me attending and that I was a valuable asset to the company for coming along during my birthday weekend. The director smiled warmly and told him that he hoped Seungcheol was going to treat me well over the weekend, as thanks for being so good to our branch and company, and so Seungcheol followed it up by telling him that he was taking me out for a special meal to celebrate my birthday. That seemed to satisfy the director, who told Seungcheol that he was a "great team leader" for helping to take the edge off the weekend for me, and he even offered to contribute towards my birthday drinks once we were back at the hotel.

Strangely, though, I wasn't really feeling drinks that day. I had thought it through a little bit and it didn't really feel right. I think it was because Seungcheol and I had only really spent private time together when we were tipsy. I figured that if either of us started drinking, we would ultimately end up sleeping together. And I didn't really know how to feel about that. Sure, it would probably make things a little bit easier when it got to it, if we did decide that we really needed to take the edge off our time in Busan, but it wasn't really something that we should have really been doing. Sex should have been completely off the table, I decided, and so there was no way that I was going to end up letting myself get to that point where I was in the mood to take advantage of our sleeping arrangements for the next few days. I kept my mouth shut, obviously, but it was something that I ended up thinking about quite a bit when we began to socialise with the other people around us.

Anyway, we went straight on to socialising once we had received our name badges and hotel room key. At that point, our bags were taken to be stored elsewhere, so we couldn't even busy ourselves with finding a place for them for a while, but then Seungcheol found some people from one of our partner branches and took me over to meet them so that at least that way, we would be able to interact with other introverts. Seungcheol knew that the guy hated talking to people as much as we hated this little mingling session - that was one of the reasons why that manager worked only in back of house - and so we could always pretend to be spending time together if no one really wanted to speak.

Just as expected, the actual socialising lasted around five minutes, if that. The guy spoke to Seungcheol about some issue that they had been facing at their branch and the fact that he had been sent to the seminar with someone he hated, and then he asked me a few questions about myself, and then that was it. We just stood nearby so that if anyone tried to come over to us, we would be able to pretend to be chatting, and that was where we stayed for a good half an hour or so until we were finally feeling a little bit more comfortable with the environment around us. By that point, Seungcheol and I were feeling a little bit happier with the fact that there were other people around and we weren't quite as opposed to speaking to them if necessary. After all, it became more and more obvious that the number of people who wanted to keep to themselves severely outweighed the number of people who actually wanted to sit there and chat with strangers. It was a relief, and I have to admit that I really appreciated it more than anything I could possibly describe.

So when a lady came to chat with us after a while - one of the ladies who used to work with Seungcheol but later became a manager at another branch - I was feeling a little bit better about the exchange. It started off with some nice conversation topics; how the branch was, how Seungcheol was doing, who I was, and the sorts. She always made sure to include us both in the conversation, and was even encouraging discussion. "What do you feel about this?" she must have asked at least a dozen times, and so I ended up naturally warming up to her. It's just the sort of thing that happens when you're chatting with someone who goes out of their way to ensure that you're feeling like you've known them for years. Sure, she was a bit tipsy, but she seemed like the sort of person who knew her limits and didn't really change that much when she had alcohol in her system. In fact, I could have easily dropped my suggestion to retire to the hotel room early if she asked to be able to spend more time chatting with us.

I had even decided to look past the way that Seungcheol seemed wary when she was chatting. I figured that perhaps he was a bit worried because she was technically a notch higher than him and had been when they worked together too. But then she opened her mouth again and I realised exactly why he seemed nervous. "So, did you hear that Jihoon and Soonyoung are seeing each other now?" Seungcheol looked at me, and I looked back at him. It was a fact that we both already knew but it would have been a bit of an issue if we didn't know. She could have outed them to us with no regard as to the effect it would have on our colleagues if it turned out that either me or Seungcheol hated gay people.

"No," Seungcheol lied. "We didn't know anything about it."  
"Oh, really? Because I heard that they're really touchy-feely at work. You know, grabbing each other's behinds and the sorts. I have sources who told me that they..." I zoned out at that point. She didn't even seem to care that she could be putting them into danger, and they weren't even the only targets of her gossip. She must have chatted to us about most of our colleagues, especially the managers and other members of staff who had been there for years. It just seemed to disrespectful that I suddenly decided that I wanted to find an excuse to leave, and Seungcheol seemingly felt the same way as he glanced over at me a few times in a short space of time.

But that was when she turned her attention to us instead. "Look, you probably know that I've been biting my tongue about this for the past thirty or so minutes, but I really have to ask you already. Are you two seeing each other or something?" she asked. I immediately wanted to be swallowed up by the ground. I could feel my entire face starting to go red in response to the question, and I didn't really know where to look. Seemingly, she hadn't even caught on to my embarrassment, though, because she didn't even apologise for such a direct question.

"I'm sorry?" Seungcheol asked. His tone didn't even take on an alarmed edge. It was as if he had been anticipating it; as if it was just her style to make things awkward. "Where would you get that from?"  
"Oh, are you not together? I just heard something from someone that you were dating one of your colleagues and I figured that it would be a smart move to get the manager to invite your lover along so that you would be able to spend time in the hotel room together." Seungcheol paused for around a minute, his eyes glued on her the whole time.  
"No, we're not dating."

With that, Seungcheol made a point of checking his watch. "Ah, Jeonghan. You wanted to go to the pharmacy down the street before it closes, didn't you? We should probably go there now." He turned towards me and offered up a smile, showing that he wanted me to follow his lead. I gave a nod and informed him that it was urgent, and so he said his goodbyes to the lady before dragging me away. "What was that about?" I demanded as soon as we were out of earshot, but Seungcheol continued to walk in silence until we were at the front of the building.

"Jisoo has no filter at all. But I suppose at least we're away from that for now."  
"You sounded like you expected her to say something like that?"  
"I had hoped that she had grown up," he sighed as his eyes began to scan the room again. "She's the sort of person who announces someone else's pregnancy to the workplace, so I figured that it was only a matter of time before she brought up workplace drama. I sort of wanted her to leave as soon as she mentioned Jihoon and Soonyoung, but I figured that it would be rude to tell her that I didn't want to know."

"It could have ended up in them being hurt," I pointed out. Seungcheol nodded.  
"Yeah, she doesn't think about that. It's as if it's everyone's right to know that someone else is going through something in her life. You wanna hear what she was like when she first found out that I was supposed to be seeing someone."  
"It had already come up once before?" Seungcheol hesitated for a moment before giving a nod. At that point, he began to walk down the street and I followed close behind him. We began to wander towards the pharmacy for the sake of it, actually, just so that we would have an excuse to be out of the building for quite some time. We had passed it on the way to the hotel earlier that day and it was huge, so it was the perfect place to kill a half hour.

And so he began to tell me the drama that the lady had sparked earlier that year. Strangely, it made me feel a little bit closer to Seungcheol when we were chatting like that, and I had to admit that I was definitely starting to warm up to him a bit more when he was talking to me how we used to chat again. It was going to be a good weekend, I decided, even if the socialisation _was_ an issue.


	16. Chapter 16

I have to admit, by the time we finally gathered up our bags and made our way up to our hotel room, I was actually feeling as if I was starting to bond with Seungcheol again. He seemed to be a lot more comfortable when it came to chatting with me, and I was a lot happier to have a joke and a laugh with him. It really did feel as if we were starting to get back to being where we were nearer to the start of the year. Seungcheol even started to get more informal with me as we chatted. To start with, he had dropped his formality accidentally and had caught himself the next time, but then it eventually got to the point where he was happily back to being informal with me and it wasn't something that he found all too awkward. And I appreciated it because honestly, it made the experience that little bit nicer.

By the time we got to the hotel room, I had good feelings about the rest of the night. Seungcheol had made excuses to keep us outside of the building as much as physically possible, and then we had arrived back at the hotel with around ten minutes to spare before we had to collect our belongings and make our way upstairs to the rooms. We did have someone come over to us, but Seungcheol made that point of checking his watch again when he knew that it was time to collect our belongings, and then he pointed out to our new friend that we had a dinner reservation at seven o'clock so we really needed to hurry and get to our room so that we could shower and get dressed to go out again. They ended up wishing me a happy birthday and told us that they hoped we enjoyed dinner, and so we quickly trotted off to find our bags and get our room number.

When we were in the lift, I couldn't help but laugh. It was as if Seungcheol was a professional con artist. If he didn't want to be somewhere, he knew how to get us out of the situation. He managed to do it so easily that it sounded natural, as if every single word that passed his lips was the absolute truth. And then there was his habit of making sure that everything was arranged in advance. A lie that would come up in several hours might be prepared for a lot earlier - as he had done when we were collecting our name badges and showing our identification cards. I have to say, I was incredibly impressed by his ability to do that. Which was why I ended up erupting into laughter as soon as we were alone in the lift. Seungcheol immediately broke into a smile and turned to look at me, and the eye contact that we shared immediately shot electricity through my body.

"Oh, we're going to have to get ready for our dinner reservation, huh?" I breathed as I playfully nudged him. "Where are you taking me tonight?"  
"You know, that place that's near the train station."  
"On the left side or the right side?"  
"Either. Or both. Depending on what restaurant it actually is when we turn up later." It probably wasn't even that funny at all, now that I think back on it, but we both found it absolutely hilarious at the time. I was making a point of looking like I was swooning over it all, and Seungcheol was pretending that he knew exactly what we were going to be doing with our evening, in a way that was mockingly cocky. I loved that, honestly. It was a playful side that I hadn't really seen from him in a long time.

When we finally got to the hotel room, the playfulness strangely continued, though. He opened the door and we slipped inside, and then I pressed myself against the wall as I stared at him. "Since we're a couple and all, according to one of Jisoo's sources, does this mean that you're gonna make me feel like a man tonight? A birthday gift when we get back from our restaurant reservation?" Seungcheol surprised me by keeping up the joke. He moved towards me and immediately pinned me against the wall as he leaned in close, and then in one sharp motion, I was lifted off the floor.  
"Oh, yeah. Of course. We have to take advantage of the fact that I convinced the manager to invite you to come with me so that we can have some steamy sex in one of these beds." I couldn't help but smile at him in response. It was just so sarcastic, but it was brilliant at the same time.

We held the position for just a moment before Seungcheol eventually let me down from the wall. "Do you wanna take a nap or get a shower or something? I don't mind what we do, but I think we've had enough socialisation with other colleagues for the moment." I gave a hum of acknowledgement before making my way over to one of the beds. Seungcheol took the other, and then we immediately turned to stare at each other. There was an unusual tension when we made eye contact, though, and Seungcheol quickly started to shuffle under my gaze. "I know this probably sounds really dumb, but do you wanna come and sit with me for a while?" he asked, "I feel like we've just spent a while bonding with each other, and being on opposite sides of the room really feels like it's impersonal. Does that make sense?"

I gave a nod. Honestly, I had been thinking the exact same thing. I kicked my shoes off and made my way over, where I sat down on the edge of the bed. Seungcheol quickly adjusted himself so that his back was against the pillows and then stared at me expectantly, and so I ended up mirroring his position on the bed. We stayed there in silence for a short while, but then eventually Seungcheol chose to break the silence. "Could you imagine what would have gone down if we said that we _were_ in a relationship, though? She would've lost her shit. Would've told us that she would be listening out for the sounds of us having sex and that she would be checking us for signs of aggressive sex in the morning. Could you imagine that? How intrusive can someone possibly get?" I gave a little hum and then slowly turned to look at him.  
"That would've been a nightmare. Though I'm pretty sure that she'll be lurking outside our room anyway. Could you imagine _that_? 'You've gone quiet; are you kissing each other?' I would be in hell." Seungcheol couldn't help but snort in response and gave a little nod.  
"I feel like she would be laid on the floor outside our room so that she could get a little bit of proof of us all over each other from underneath the door. Even though she obviously doesn't need any evidence to make her claims, as you've seen."

We grew silent again. The thought of Jisoo making those sorts of comments and taking her investigations that far sent a shiver right up my spine, although I wasn't really prepared to bring it up with Seungcheol. After all, the last thing I really needed was to feel awkward about the thought. It was already uncomfortable enough as it was, but actively imagining someone doing that sort of thing outside of your bedroom is something that really makes me feel anxious, if I'm honest. It doesn't matter whether they're actually doing it or it's a tiny little niggling afterthought; it's still uncomfortable all the same. So I decided to keep my mouth shut and think for a while until Seungcheol eventually turned to me again.

"I've just realised how it must've sounded," he said quietly. "I suppose it must've sounded like I was suggesting that being in a relationship with you was bad earlier, when I denied it so firmly. I'm actually really sorry if it came out sounding like that or something because it's really far from how I actually feel about the situation. I wouldn't mind as much as it came across."  
"You wouldn't mind if we were dating each other?" I repeated, an eyebrow raising in response. That was probably one of the last things that I expected to hear from him, if I was being completely honest. If anything, I thought that Seungcheol would genuinely feel as if a relationship with me would be hell, following everything that had gone on between us.

Surprisingly, though, Seungcheol's expression stayed soft. His eyes flickered between my eyes and mouth, and I knew right away that he was about to get serious with me. I just knew it from the way that he had such an intelligent, inquisitive look on his face, and I absolutely loved seeing how the slightest hint of a smile started to creep on to his face right away. "You know I wouldn't be that bothered about having a relationship with you," he said gently, in a way that sounded genuine. "I think I know you well and you know me well, and even though we have our differences and tend to disagree a lot, we have common goals that would be good in a relationship."  
"Like what?"  
"Like..." He paused for a moment to think. "Like you want to have your own place in the future and so do I. We both have goals when it comes to work ethic, and we both want to better ourselves in a way that doesn't put other people down. We're both optimistic about the future. Those sorts of things." I had to admit that he was right. We did actually have a good amount of things in common when I thought about it properly. And sure, there were probably hundreds of things that we didn't share, like hobbies and feelings towards how a relationship should run exactly, but we still had something between us and it was great. I was happy to know that he was happy to have a relationship with me, if we ever got to that point, and so I made sure to let him know.

Yet, once it came to the surface, I suddenly had this strange sensation start to take over my body. A really unusual sensation that something was about to happen. I turned back towards Seungcheol and noticed that he was gazing at me in a loving manner - something that I knew right away wasn't just my imagination - and then he gradually opened his mouth a little bit in anticipation to talk. The words lagged behind by a few seconds, but then he finally let it spew out and a little part of me was suddenly glad that he had paused before saying it. "I know this is gonna sound really stupid and you're probably gonna tell me to fuck off, but can I kiss you?" he asked. In an instant, the breath was sucked straight out of my body. My chest felt tight, and I felt as if I was choking. I tried my hardest to sort my breathing out right away, just so that I wouldn't have to look like a suffocating fish in front of him. Of course, I had decided several weeks ago that I was over Seungcheol, but those few words proved to me in an instant that it wasn't just something that I could choose to push away. Instead, I was faced with a situation in which I really, really wanted him to kiss me and I didn't know that I wanted him to ask until he had actually done so.

"Kiss me," I said to him simply. Seungcheol hesitated for a moment, obviously concerned that perhaps we were making the wrong decision, but then he slowly leaned towards me and pressed our lips together in one firm, loving kiss. It was perfect right from the start. It sent shocks tingling through my spine as my brain realised what it was getting from someone we really admired, and I was pretty sure that my lips were suddenly reminded that they existed and had been touched by these specific lips a few times before. It was a mixed sense of familiarity and novelty, and I honestly didn't want it to have to end when Seungcheol pulled away from the kiss.

I swear, I've never felt so giddy before in my life. That was the kiss that drew me right back into the mess that was falling in love with Seungcheol. I knew that I shouldn't have had any feelings for him, but I couldn't help it. He was just so perfect for me and I knew it right away. My mind knew it. My lips knew it. My body knew it. Every single cell in my body knew that Seungcheol and I were meant to give it another chance. So I did the only thing that I could do. I sank back into the pillows and let out a long sigh as I pressed my hands over my face. "Oh my god, I think I need to take a cold shower to slow my heartbeat down. I can't believe it's racing like this over a stupid kiss." The comment was mostly just me thinking out loud, although it was also quite obviously supposed to be heard by Seungcheol too. He simply gave a laugh as he heard what I had to say, and then he gave a sweet little smile the next time our eyes met for just a second.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself. I've been thinking about it today, and I just figured that it would be best to get it over and done with. I hope it wasn't too weird to kiss me again." I had to fight the urge to kiss him a second time. It was what I wanted at that point in time, but I couldn't really tell him that. How would I explain myself to him? 'Yeah, I'm really in the mood to make out with you because I still have feelings for you and it suddenly doesn't feel weird to do that sort of thing, after you initiated our first kiss in forever'? No, it would sound ridiculous and it would probably cause me to get laughed at before anyone else. And even if that laughing was supposed to be a friendly attempt at teasing me, I didn't know whether I was going to be able to emotionally handle it. So I simply thanked him for the kiss and then informed him that I really did need to take a shower, and so I ended up simply snatching up my toiletries bag out of my suitcase before going through to the bathroom and clambering into the shower.

And there I stayed for quite some time. I spent a good portion of my time there trying to calm myself down, since I was suddenly painfully excited by the kiss. Not aroused, but actually excited. My heart had decided that it was a sign that I hadn't ruined everything with Seungcheol, as I had been thinking for so many weeks. It was certain that we could make something happen, even if it was temporary and bound within the walls of this hotel room. Of course, I wasn't really planning on doing that at the start, but then reason started to come into play and I quickly began to realise that perhaps it was actually a pretty good idea to take things that step further. After all, it could easily be left behind in this hotel and we could go home with no intention of taking anything further. We were both single, we were both quite obviously attracted to each other, and so many colleagues had one-night stands that it just felt as if it was the right decision to push for something to happen.

When I got out of the shower, I spent quite some time drying my body. I paid particular attention to the parts of my body that would feel particularly warm, and then I gave myself one last check in the mirror before wrapping the towel around my body again and leaving the bathroom. I had seen this technique in so many movies but it seemed weird to be doing it in person, and I didn't really know whether it would have the desired effect but I figured that it was best to simply plunge into it and hope for the best. After all, I would ultimately end up regretting all of the risks I didn't take, and even the chance of being rejected by Seungcheol wasn't going to stop me this time. So I wandered into the room, my hand tightly gripping the towel, and then I promptly let it drop to the floor as soon as I caught Seungcheol's gaze.

"You know what I want," I told him, trying my hardest to sound confident. I could hear my voice trembling, though, and it took away from the effect a little bit. Nevertheless, Seungcheol's eyes dropped with my towel and he was left with a hanging jaw for a while until he eventually managed to close his mouth and lift his gaze to my face again. He visibly swallowed, his eyes still wide, and then his mouth opened slowly again. "I don't think I've ever seen you naked whilst I'm sober before," he pointed out.  
"I don't think you've seen me naked when it's light out either. Are you going to... are you going to do what I'm asking for, then, or am I going to have to see if anyone else in this building will have me?"

Of course, Seungcheol was on me right away. He made his way over to where I was standing and guided me straight to the bed, where I was invited to sit on his lap whilst he kissed me again. These kisses were a little bit firmer, although Seungcheol actually seemed rather hesitant with every kiss that we shared. "Is there a problem?" I eventually asked him.  
"I'm just nervous about where this is going to take us," he said to me. And I could really sense the concern in his voice. Seungcheol genuinely seemed to be nervous and it made me reconsider the plan to sleep with him for just a second, although I eventually just gave a gentle sigh before reaching over to stroke his cheek.

"Can we just go with the flow of things and see what happens?" I asked. For a moment, Seungcheol was silent. He stared up at me, his eyes judging.  
And then he simply grabbed me, flipped our position so that he was on top, and then breathed a single, "Fuck it," into the air between us before leaning down to kiss me hard on the lips again. His hands touched my freshly washed skin as if it was on fire, grabbing what he could grab and squeezing my thighs and ass as if he was trying to hoard them for himself. I immediately started to strip him out of his shirt, pulling it straight off his shoulders in one motion, and then began to go for his trousers right away. Seungcheol ended up helping me to get them off without breaking the kiss, and then he was soon left in just his boxers and socks.

My hand moved down to his boxers and squeezed, and Seungcheol's body instantly melted underneath me. It wanted to be touched like that; craved the sensations that showed how much I wanted him back. He drew from the kiss for just a moment to let out a satisfactory groan, but then he was back on my lips in an instant. Yet, it was relatively short-lived. The kiss ended once again, with Seungcheol instead opting to kiss down my body until he reached my thighs. At that point, he carefully rocked me backwards and encouraged me to hold my legs for him. He proceeded to eat my ass with as much enthusiasm as he had done the first time, leaving my entire body feeling as if it was on fire once again. I could feel the burning sensation eating at the skin on the back of my neck, and I could feel my heart racing in response to the fact that he was doing the one thing that I really loved. My head was going dizzy, and I couldn't help but let out noises to show my appreciation.

Of course, it only encouraged Seungcheol to try his hardest. He wanted to make it a great experience for me. I could tell that this was probably going to be some sort of birthday sex, or at least that was what he was telling himself. It was something that would be temporary but it had a purpose, and the purpose was to make everything up to me. But if I was being completely honest with myself, I wasn't going to complain. When Seungcheol slipped two of his fingers inside of me and mumbled a comment about how it was going to be our first time going all the way, I knew that it was something I needed. I needed to feel him, and I needed to feel close to him. Seungcheol proceeded to prepare my body until there was no drag, and then he slowly crawled back up the bed so that his forehead pressed against mine.

At that point, I flipped him over so that he was on his back. His remaining clothes were removed right away and then I proceeded to mount him with speed and precision, slowly slipping the tip of his length against my entrance. As I went to push down, though, I noticed the anxiety in his expression and was forced to temporarily pause. "What's up?"  
"I'm just a bit nervous about doing this. It's been a while."  
"That's why I'm on top," I pointed out, "I'm going to lead it, and then whenever you feel like you're in the mood to take the lead, you flip me over and have your way with me."

My suggestion was so assured that it was unbelievable, considering that I was just as nervous as Seungcheol was feeling. I just needed to have him and nothing was going to get in the way of what I wanted at that point in time. I was sick of waiting. I was sick of pretending that there wasn't some ongoing sexual tension between us. I was sick of acting as if I hadn't been thinking about Seungcheol when I was in bed with Mingyu and my various one-night stands. It was always Seungcheol and I was ready for that to become obvious. I moved his hands to my hips and proceeded to ride him with as much force as I could manage. It was actually an interesting sensation to be riding Seungcheol. It mostly felt just like sex with any other man, except my body had a strange sense that it was Choi Seungcheol instead. That was the only real thing that made it feel better; he was an average length and an average girth, but he was Seungcheol and that was all he really needed.

So I made sure to show him that I made sure to show him exactly how I liked him and that I wanted nothing more than to have him all over me. Seungcheol started out by giving me this loving stare, as if I was the most beautiful person in the entire world when I was on top of him, but then he eventually got to the point where he was desperate to have his way too. The loving stare became tainted with a devious edge, and then he had me flipped over on to my back. I gave a sigh of satisfaction. It was exactly what I needed, and exactly what I wanted to experience. Flipped on to my back so that Seungcheol could make sweet love to me. I spread my thighs apart a little further for him and then allowed him to kiss me, despite the fact that his mouth had recently been toying with my ass. I had kissed him after sucking him off before that day, after all, so I couldn't really afford to be picky about the spread of bacteria.

He began to press into me, adding in the wonderful element of weight behind his thrusts. Sure, it's nice to be able to have the power and ride someone, but there's nothing better than them pushing into you and adding their weight behind every thrust. In fact, I would happily go so far as to say that I prefer it that way. It's easy to end up going shallow when it comes to riding other people, but Seungcheol was hardly shy about using his entire length and trying to cram it as deep into my body as possible. I let out a low groan every time our hips met, and then I reached a hand down to grab myself in an attempt to increase the pleasure that bit more. It was fine for all of five seconds before Seungcheol noticed me, and then my hands were forcibly removed from that region and pinned above my head.

"I'm gonna make you finish without you touching yourself, okay?" I hesitated for a moment. "I'm serious, Jeonghan," Seungcheol continued. "I'm gonna make you finish without you touching yourself. I know how to do this, and I think it'll be more intense for you if I do it like that, okay?" Although I was still feeling pretty reluctant about it, I supposed that I had to give him the benefit of the doubt. After all, if he was that confident that he was able to fulfil my desires like that, surely that meant that he knew exactly what he was doing and already had a plan for how he was going to make it feel great for me. So I ended up simply letting him get on with it, and then just let him know whether I liked certain things or not. I didn't really like having just one leg over his shoulder, but I loved it when he spread my legs as far apart as possible. Those sorts of things.

And sure enough - true to Seungcheol's word - he quickly picked up the intensity and left my entire body quivering with desire. As it turned out, he knew exactly how to make my body want more, and he knew exactly how to satisfy me. He managed to hit my prostate so many times that I was blinded by white light, and he successfully sucked every bit of air right out of my lungs. He knew how to make my body conform to positions that would leave my thighs trembling, and he knew when to keep working on the same spot for a longer duration of time. He knew that he was good in bed, and that much was obvious from the way that he touched me. And I wanted nothing more than for Seungcheol to destroy my entire body.

I didn't know how he did it. I had gone into the affair thinking that it was going to be just like an affair with anyone else, other than the emotional ties too. I had expected that it would be just another Mingyu or Youngho or Dawon. I thought that I would leave it feeling satisfied because I had done what I wanted to do with Choi Seungcheol. But as it turned out, he knew my body like it was a map that was laid out in front of him. He knew how to work my very being and leave me unravelled right away. He knew how to make my chest heave with desire, his name pass my lips in breathy moans and cries. And then he knew how to make me orgasm in a way that racked through my core and left my brain crashing.

When he made me finish, I screamed. It was a pitch that my voice hadn't reached in years - at least not since I went through puberty - and so I was left in a position where I didn't even recognise my own voice again. But I knew that it had to be me. I was the only person who had been having rough sex with Choi Seungcheol on our hotel room, and the only one who had ended up having an intense climax after he slammed into my sweet spot once too many times. I laid there in the bed for a while as I waited for my brain to kick back into action and tell me how to respond, but then eventually I just shuffled to sit up as much as I possibly could whilst I had a guy inside of me still. "Did you finish inside of me?" I breathed. For a second, I saw the alarm on Seungcheol's face, but then he quickly calmed again when I pointed out that it had only made my climax that bit more intense to feel him painting my insides. In response, he simply gave an embarrassed laugh and stroked my cheek.

"Was that good for you?" he asked. My head hit the pillow again.  
"You don't even know. How did you learn to do all of that? I'm twenty-three years old and I've never had a guy make me finish from sex alone." Seungcheol gave a shy smile as he let his gaze drop down for a second.  
"I don't really wanna go into too much detail, but I had an ex-partner who was insistent that we weren't going to finish until I had made them finish without hands. So I guess I had to learn, and I _guess_ it paid off, right?"

After that comment, I couldn't help myself. I ended up taking him again. And again. And again. We must have had at least five rounds that night, only separated by our dinner. But even whilst we were out of the hotel room, the desire and chemistry between us was clear. Choi Seungcheol was mine again, at least for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so here's the last chapter for a while! I was so worried about getting this one out, since I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to get it written in time, but I hope you enjoy it!!
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	17. Chapter 17

Imagine this:

I woke up in the morning to find that I was in a bed that wasn't mine. You can probably imagine the feeling; it's one that we all experience when we wake up outside of our home. You can tell without even opening your eyes because the mattress feels different and the pillow isn't what you're used to resting your head on. Either it's too high or too flat for you; no one else has that perfect pillow height that you're used to having. As my eyes opened, I could see a white wall and a huge window, which had been left open just a crack. It allowed a trickle of autumn heat to enter the room, balancing out the coolness of the air conditioning a bit. For some reason, I had left the air conditioning on full power the night before, and it meant that the chill of the air was getting to be too much by that point. Even with the warmth of outside fighting against it, I could still feel the goosebumps prickling against the top half of my back.

So I tried to pull the bedsheets up further to cover my skin, only to find that there was still a huge gap near my back. I was surprised, to say the least, but then a sudden warmth moved forward to engulf me completely. It was as if it could tell that I was cold and in need of contact. It wrapped around my body so fully that I woke up instantly from my groggy state. It was the sensation of skin against my own; bare skin that left me conscious of the fact that I was naked. I wasn't wearing clothes at all. Not even on my lower half. And there was a man pressed against me. I could tell right away from the fact that he was semi-stiff and pressed against my thigh as he cuddled against me. Not in an intentionally creepy way, but probably just as a result of being naked together whilst we slept. Then the slight stubble around his chin and mouth brushed against the skin of my neck as he began to kiss me. Slow but deliberate; I could feel that he was confident in what he was doing, and he knew exactly where to kiss in order to make me unwind under his touches.

For a moment, I didn't know what to do with myself. Had I gotten drunk and ended up having a one-night stand with a stranger? I certainly wasn't in a relationship so it wasn't as big of a deal if I forgot who was behind me, but I was so exhausted that I couldn't even remember what - and who - I had been doing the night before. I was sure that I hadn't been drinking, though, so it still bothered me a little bit. I could feel my body naturally tensing up in response to the contact, which he seemingly caught onto right away. His lips moved closer to my ear and then breathed against the sensitive skin behind my lobe. "Good morning, beautiful. Did you sleep well?" His voice was husky from sleep and had an accent that was stronger than I had heard in a long time.

To say I was relieved would be an understatement. Even though his accent surfaced properly for the first time, I still recognised the voice to be Choi Seungcheol's right away. We were in the hotel room, having made it through the seminar the day before, and we had celebrated our successes with a meal and around four hours of rolling around together. I recalled how well it had all gone, and how Seungcheol had informed me of how attracted he was to everything I had suggested at the seminar. Apparently, seeing me getting really involved in the seminar was such an attractive thing to see that he couldn't help but like me even more. He loved my suggestions about a new system for picking the top fifty items every month, and he thought that it was great that I wanted one full-time member of staff from each department to be trained in other departments in order to get a proper appreciation of how everything works. It was something that he proposed directly to the directors after the seminar. They said that they would consider it and contact our store manager with the details of what can be put in place.

So Seungcheol had been even more thrilled. If they decided that the idea was good enough and would help to make the staff more efficient, our little branch would be advertised on the staff portal and we would get bonuses. It's the little things that keep you going sometimes, and I suppose that we both liked the thought of getting a bonus for simply suggesting the obvious to the people who are higher up in the company. So he subtly hinted to them that he was going to take me out for dinner that night instead, since we were too tired when we first arrived to celebrate my birthday. Similiarly to the first night, they were quick to donate towards the fund, especially after seeing how much we had interacted with the seminar, and so Seungcheol was able to make the night something a bit more special for me. Not that I would have minded all that much if we had just had fried chicken or even a bulgogi burger from McDonald's, but it just enforced the fact that we had done really well that day.

And I swear, we flirted more than I thought we would when we were in the restaurant. Part of me was still convinced that even though we had slept together, there was no commitment at all, but then Seungcheol had proven me very wrong right away. Sure, we weren't in a relationship and hadn't even discussed that idea by that point, but he was such a gentleman that I couldn't help but feel something for him. Something warm and soft in the pit of my stomach; a need to be close to him. I have to admit, I still loathed that little part of me. I knew that I shouldn't have fallen so hard and fast for Seungcheol, especially since we had been bickering a lot whilst I was dating Mingyu, but I think we both knew that there was a little soft spot for each other in our hearts. A soft spot that was warm and inviting, and one that saw our affair as something that was a little bit bigger than a one night stand.

It only developed further throughout the night. Seungcheol's leg bumped mine under the table, which initiated it all, and then we were fighting to _avoid_ making contact. His hand would brush against mine when we both reached across to get the salt, and his eyes were hovering over my features so much that he was distracting me too. Either I would be conscious of where he was looking, especially if his eyes were on my lips or flickering between my eyes and other parts of my face, but at the same time it left me wanting to do the same back. And then his eyes began to drift down further when I stood to go to the bathroom. He was very clearly undressing me with his eyes, but in the most gentleman-like way imaginable. It was very modest but also very sexual, and I couldn't even help but feel the desire for him starting to run through my veins right away.

So I was left having to splash my face with water when I was in the bathroom. I took longer than I needed to, just so that I could distract my mind from everything that was running around and causing me to overthink. I wanted it to be straightforward, but it was just going to be difficult until we both eventually gave in. It took around five or so minutes for me to calm down enough to join him again and whilst he initially seemed to be concerned that I had been taking too long in the bathroom, he soon noticed the sheepish expression on my face and caught on right away. He knew what he was doing to me, and that much was very clear from the slight smirk that touched his lips for a fraction of a second. Not for any longer, though; he quickly returned to being a gentleman and continued to talk about more tame topics again. Nothing too intrusive, and nothing too deep. Just light fun where he could make jokes and capture my heart. He knew how to work a man to fall in love with him, and that much was very obvious. Essentially, if you can make a man laugh when you're flirting, you've almost guaranteed that you'll have him in bed, and that was exactly how Seungcheol's luck worked out.

And, as you can expect, we barely made it back to the hotel room before we were all over each other again. It was a little bit more intense than it had been when we first arrived at the hotel, since we had been trying our hardest not to give in to the desire that time, but it was still following the same premises. He pinned me to the wall as he kissed my neck and slowly unbuttoned my shirt, and I tried to pull his off whilst simultaneously trying to shred his back. Once his bare skin was exposed, though, I was paralysed. It was as if I was seeing it for the first time. The warm undertones of his skin shone through, even though he had obviously been trying his hardest to stay pale. Then there was his navel, which was the perfect shape. I didn't think it was possible until I was focused on it, but I loved it more than anything. Just below that, he had a trail of hair leading down further; something that I was very familiar with and loved a lot. I don't know what it was, but I had a huge thing for guys with body hair back then, and it meant that I couldn't snap my eyes away at all.

It didn't take long at all for him to have me in bed again. Pressed against soft bedsheets with his open shirt draping over us both as he hovered over me. It made it feel as if it was all for me; all of his body was dedicated to what we were doing, and it was our secret. Actually, in that moment it sort of _was_ our secret. No one else really knew what he had done and what we thought about each other. It hadn't been mentioned in our group chat, and I hadn't spoken to Jisoo about it directly either. Our parents didn't know, our colleagues didn't know, and our friends didn't know. It meant that it felt a little bit taboo, since it was something that usually people would mention at least once to someone before actually going for it like that, but we were like lovesick teenagers at that point in time. All we could think about was each other and how much we wanted to be together, even for just a couple of hours whilst no one else was around. So we went for it until both of us were left in a sweaty, heaving mess, then turned on the air conditioning and went straight to sleep.

Which brought us back around to the start of this chapter. Me forgetting what we had done, and Seungcheol waking me up with neck kisses. We laid there for a while, just enjoying the gentle love that was building between us, until Seungcheol suddenly tensed behind me and pulled away for a moment. "Have you got the time? Remember, we have that final three-hour session today." I leant forward to check the clock, then let out a relieved sigh when I saw the number on the screen.  
"It's almost quarter past seven. We have plenty of time."

That 'plenty of time' wasn't really that at all. Rather, we ended up all over each other again - a little bit rougher than the night before, actually, with me sat on top of him - and then had to take a shower together so that we could wash away the scent of sex. It was something that was quite obviously lingering between us, and the last thing we really needed was to go to a training seminar smelling of our affair. It would be very noticeable if we were both to walk into the place at the same time with the scent of each other overwhelmingly obvious in the air. It would have been incredibly unprofessional, so we made sure to double and triple wash ourselves so that no trace was left over before promptly dressing and making our way over to the venue. 

It was only around a five-minute walk away from our rooms, so we were still there fifteen minutes early. Of course, it wasn't really going to be the most exciting seminar in the world, but it was something that we were going to have to live with, we figured. After all, we were only going to be there for a few hours before going home, and it was pretty important that we learnt how to teach the seminar information to the other members of staff in our branch. There was more than just the suggestions that I had made - some bits about the changes to the company values and the new sections of the warehouse too - so we needed to make sure that our entire branch was up to date with that sort of thing. It was something that would affect everyone and could be difficult for people to learn, but that was why there were two of us there. If one person forgot something, the other would be able to fill in for them, and then we could also take the time to prepare a quality presentation for everyone too. That was why this seminar was necessary, even if it was going to be the most boring part of the entire weekend.

So we pushed through. We listened to it as best as we could, trying our hardest to stay focused the entire time. Sometimes that was hard to do, whereas it was sometimes really easy to get engaged with it all. That's the natural state of these sorts of things, though; it can't all be fun and it can't always please everyone. As an adult, you sometimes have to put up with that sort of thing, and so we ended up staying until the end, where they gave us our final presentation resources and brought us some food for the journey home. It was a pre-prepared bento-style lunch, made professionally for the meeting so that we wouldn't end up going hungry on the way home. And I have to admit, it was amazing. It's the one part of that day that still sticks out for me a lot. Honestly, I don't think I've had a lunch like that since then, and I really wish that I could get another one so that I would be able to experience it just once more. I might even consider contacting the managers of the store and asking them if they remember who their suppliers are at some point so that I'm able to get that little taste of heaven again.

Then it was eventually time for us to go home. It took forever to leave the place because every time we left, someone would try to start a conversation with us. It began when we tried to leave the main conference room and then occurred over and over again every few steps. The managers wanted to chat with Seungcheol about his promotion, since they hadn't seen him since he got his new job. His old colleagues wanted to be able to catch up with him, even though he said that we really needed to start heading home. Jisoo came over again and she pushed for us to tell her how we found everything. Another ex-colleague from our store, Minseo, came over to ask how we both were. Of course, we were all familiar with each other so we were a little bit less reluctant to have that chat but in the end, Seungcheol had to make a point of looking at his watch and insisting that we needed to leave. Once we parted, though, it still happened around five or six more times on the way to collect our luggage and exit the building.

As soon as we were outside and free, Seungcheol let out a sigh of relief and approached one of the taxis on the main road so that we could get to the train station as quickly as possible. Those ones were provided by the company so we didn't need to worry about the cost of them. It wasn't even as if we would mind at that point, though; we just needed to be free from the other people we worked with for at least a few minutes. It was too much to spend almost three days with the same group of people and then have to talk to them on the way home too. So even if we did end up in a situation where we had to sit with someone who was there with us, at least we would have five minutes to ourselves as the taxi took us to our destination. And I think it really helped us to calm down right away. Seungcheol let out another long breath once the taxi started to move and immediately reached over to grab my hand, which he idly stroked as he made polite conversation with the taxi driver.

I actually quite enjoyed it, if I was being honest. I liked how he didn't put too much emphasis on the fact that he was holding my hand, but also stroked it as if he was trying to show me that he was still there the entire time. I relaxed a lot into the touches, as if it was the most natural feeling in the world to have his fingers wrapped around mine, and then I found myself instantly missing it when I finally got out of the taxi and had to let go again. It was weird; I've never really been the sort of guy who enjoys holding hands with other guys, but it felt so natural and good and I realised more than anything that I needed to do it again as soon as possible. So I ended up anticipating how I would go about making it happen again when we finally got onto the train, and I trailed behind him like a lost animal as he took us to the right train. He noticed, of course, but I simply told him that I was thinking about things and it wasn't anything to worry about as I continued to walk by him.

Once we got to the train, he helped me to get my suitcase onto the carriage and put it in the storage area for me before leading us both to our seats. It was done without me even needing to ask; he was straight on it like the gentleman he was becoming in front of me, and he didn't even make a big deal out of it. I had half expected him to make a comment about how he shouldn't have to do that sort of thing for me so it was a nice surprise when he didn't even bring it up at all. It just made the urge to be close to him even worse, and so I quickly found that once we were sitting down together, I scrapped the entire plan to be subtle about holding his hand and instead just asked him straight out. "Seungcheol, do you mind if I hold your hand again?" I could feel my heart thudding in my chest, taking me back to the days where I was a lovesick teenager, experiencing my first romance and absolutely certain that he was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life loving. My palms were starting to get clammy now that I had asked it out loud and Choi Seungcheol hadn't answered in less than a second, and I almost considered taking it right back.

But then he slipped his hand into mine and let his eyes rest on my face for a moment. "Is this okay?" he asked. I nodded. So he turned back towards the window and watched the passing city as he began to stroke my hand again, sending more electricity through my body the more he did so. It's the little things that make it worth your while, and the beauty of that sort of romance is that you don't even need to worry about anyone noticing. They're probably not going to notice, seeing as you're not even looking at each other. I checked through my emails on my phone and he stared out of the window for around twenty or so minutes, until we finally hit our first stop along the way. A few more people got onto the train at that stop and a few got off. Seungcheol's eyes were locked on a young family for a moment, and only when they passed us did he let his eyes rest on my face again. His lips were twitching towards a fond smile as his eyes drifted over my features in turn again, and I was certain that he would have kissed me if we weren't in public.

"Is something on your mind?" he asked. It was as if he knew because a thousand things were running through my mind at that point. I hadn't even noticed how much I had been overthinking everything until he had pointed it out either; it had been flowing freely through my head and I hadn't really thought to stop it until he asked about it. I considered my answer for a little while, though. I tried my hardest to pinpoint one particular issue that was on my mind - the fact that we had slept together countless times after I was so sure that I hated him earlier in the year, how he had turned from being the biggest asshole in the universe to being a gentleman as soon as we started getting involved with each other, or maybe the fact that we were holding hands in public so happily - until I eventually figured that it was best to go for the money shot right away. The question that we knew would eventually have to come up, and the one that was probably one of the worst to bring up when we were trapped together on public transport.

I started out by checking that there weren't any other people sat too close to us. There was only one other person within three seats of where we were sat together but she seemed to be asleep, so I simply got on with it before I could have the chance to change my mind. "What are we?" I asked, still making sure to keep my voice relatively low. "I know it's probably not best to discuss it right here but we've been flirting for a few days and we've held hands with each other, and we've also _known_ each other quite personally, so I feel that it's best to get it out of the way and talk about this properly." Seungcheol's entire face went pale as soon as I said it, as if he hadn't really been expecting that sort of question when he asked me what I was thinking about. He had probably been anticipating that I would say something sweet or comment on how I was tired, but I had sprung a pretty loaded question onto him as if it was nothing at all.

It was as if time had stopped between us. Seungcheol didn't know how to answer the question right away, so he ended up resorting to giving me an awkward smile instead. But when I went to apologise, he began to speak and I didn't know whether I was relieved that I hadn't broken him or disappointed with the answer. "If I say that I'm still not ready for a relationship, you're not going to run off with some other man again, are you?" 

Okay, so it was definitely the latter. I could have cried. Of _course_ I wasn't going to run off with another man. I wasn't like that. I didn't just start dating anyone who happened to look in my direction. I just happened to click very well with Mingyu and thought that it was a good idea to date him. So I just gave an uncomfortable laugh to show Seungcheol how much the comment stung before giving my answer in return. "I would probably wait for you to be ready to have a relationship."  
"Probably?" That was when he realised that he had upset me, though, and he immediately gave my hand a little squeeze. "Ah shit, Jeonghan. You know I didn't mean it like that. What I mean is that I'm starting to have feelings for you but I don't know whether I'm emotionally ready to have a relationship, seeing as I don't really have the time or money for a proper relationship either, but then if you're not going to be able to wait for me, I can try to push it a little bit faster for you. Because even though I don't know how I feel about things, I don't really want to lose you a second time. It hurt me too much to see you all over Mingyu when you were dating him, and I don't know whether I can see this happening a second time."

And suddenly the bad feelings washed away. Oh man, they washed away so quickly that I didn't know what to do with myself. "I'll wait for you as long as you need me to wait," I told him without bothering to address the other comments. "If anyone else tries to get involved with me, I'll tell them that I'm sort of seeing someone, but I won't tell them anything else about what's happening between us. And if I can't wait for you any longer for whatever reason, I'll talk to you about it all first. Does that sound okay?" As expected, Seungcheol gave his nod of approval right away. He looked a lot less anxious and uncomfortable once all of that was cleared, although I could still see that he was a little bit worried about upsetting me. He sort of had upset me, admittedly, but at least he wasn't trying to be malicious with his words. That I could forgive, whereas an attempt to be intentionally cruel to me just wouldn't go down well at all. I wouldn't be able to handle it after the arguments that we had had about that sort of thing in the past.

Then the conversation switched again so that he was taking the lead. It surprised me, although pleasantly so. "What do you think we actually are, then? I suppose 'friends' won't quite cover it, right? You tend not to do this sort of thing with friends unless it was decided beforehand." I gave a hum of acknowledgement. I had to admit that I felt the same way about it; the word never really seemed to describe our relationship well. We skipped out the part where we were supposed to be friends, I mused; we had started out as colleagues, and this continued until the point where we first slept together. Then we hit a vague spot - a grey area - and we had been in that place since the day we first went home together. So it really wasn't going to work in that situation. Saying that, though, other words didn't seem to fit either. 'Lovers' seemed to be a bit too sexual for my liking, especially since our exhanges were romantic as well, but any direct reference to our relationship being an affair was off the table too.

In the end, I settled for something that I wasn't all that fond of, but hoped would catch on somewhere along the line. "Could I call you my person?" I asked quietly, making sure that my eyes were as far away from Seungcheol's face as possible. "I know it probably sounds really dumb but I think it's the best I'm gonna get for you. Something that doesn't imply gender, commitment, nor whether our relationship is based around something platonic, romantic or sexual." For a moment, there was silence between us, but when that silence dragged on for longer than I was comfortable with, I was forced to look up and see Seungcheol's slight smile. That surprised me too, although I kept my mouth shut as not to ruin the moment.  
"Yeah, I think that works well. It sounds good when I say it to myself, at least in my head. 'Jeonghan is my person'... Yeah, I like it."

The relief washed over me instantly and I couldn't help but beam with pride as we continued on our journey. In fact, Seungcheol held my hand for the rest of the train journey and then again once we were on our way back to my place. He said that he would drop me off before going home so that he knew I was home safe, as if I hadn't ever travelled on my own before. But I couldn't really complain; at least it showed that he cared about me and we had an extra few minutes together before we had to part ways.

He walked me all the way up to the front door and then helped me to get my suitcase inside once I had unlocked it. In fact, he took it all the way through to my bedroom for me so that I didn't need to struggle with taking it up a flight of stairs. Once it was there, I took him back to the door so that I could say goodbye to him properly, which led to us sharing an unusually tight hug and a little cheek peck each. It would probably have been more, I figured, but we were both still simultaneously nervous and buzzing from the exchange that we had had on the train. Seungcheol was my person and I loved that, but it was also the weirdest thing to finally have a word for what we had.

After a full weekend together, it was hard to see him leaving, but I still couldn't help but smile when I was back in the safety of my bedroom again. It was a success, even though I had been worried that it would be an awful experience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who is back!!
> 
> After six weeks of working all day every day (as in, usually 6:30am - 1:30am because my unfortunate ass was the designated on-call first aider pretty much every night), I'm finally back with more stuff!!
> 
> Hopefully I'll be able to blast through my current fics as quickly as possible, although I'm searching for other jobs at the moment too, so the chapters may not come as quickly as they once did. Thank you for sticking with me so far; I really appreciate it <3


	18. Chapter 18

Of course, Jisoo had to be the first person to find out anything about my relationship change with Seungcheol. I didn't even tell my parents about it to start with; they asked me about how everything went when I got home, but I made sure to leave out the details of Seungcheol and I starting to get closer so that Jisoo could find out everything first. He was - and still is - my best friend, after all, so he had to be the one to tell me whether or not I was making a stupid decision by getting involved with him. He had a better sense of that than I did. He knew whether to leave someone alone or whether to pursue it, and so I trusted him to tell me honestly whether I was making a huge mistake by barking up that tree. And it had to be something that we discussed at work, since I was sure that one of us would end up having to cut the conversation off short otherwise. One of us would end up having to go to bed early or take care of adult responsibilities or something, and I couldn't really be bothered to hype myself up for that sort of conversation, only to be able to tell just half of the story.

So I somehow managed to hold it all in until I got to work, and then gradually let it slip out as time went on. Jisoo and I both knew that there was no point in starting the discussion until after the morning rush was over, so we continued to work without saying much to each other until we had finally passed it and moved onto the next step in our daily plans - collecting the stock that was due to be returned to the manufacturer. Something that was tedious, seeing as it included stock that neither of us had ever really seen before, but something that needed to be done nonetheless. There was no point in having stock for the winter holidays around in summer, and there was no point in having summer things around in the winter when no one would buy them. It gave the suppliers the chance to sell those products themselves, or to improve what they already had, whilst simultaneously clearing space for our stock on the warehouse shelves. So we moved Minghao down to the lower floor to continue picking for the customers whilst Jisoo and I moved upstairs to blast through the returns stock as best as we could. We both moved onto that part of the system, and then promptly began working together to search for the items on the shelves.

Once we were started, Jisoo brought up the topic of the seminar with me. It was clear that he was expecting me to describe it as the most boring experience of my entire life from the way that he asked, so I started by telling him what he was expecting. Some parts of the seminar were incredibly dry, and some of the colleagues were similarly lacking a personality. It was like another day at work, except with less movement and only a spark of fun here and there. At least if we were at work, we would be around the colleagues who made it happen. That was what really made a boring job something interesting, especially when we were there all day every day. Jisoo didn't seem all that surprised by that description; rather, he seemed to be rather sympathetic of the fact that I had to go through that, and quickly informed me that he would have me over for drinks whenever we both had a day off next so that we would be able to brush my negative feelings under the rug and pretend that I wasn't forced to listen to a bunch of meaningless facts and figures for three hours straight.

Then he asked me about how things were with Seungcheol. Of course, he wasn't really expecting much from that either. He knew that I had a soft spot for the manager, but he had heard how everything went down when the branch manager had proposed that we go to the seminar together. He had heard how Seungcheol and I weren't prepared to throw each other under the bus when we both needed the extra money badly, but that it was going to be awkward because we were due to be sharing a bedroom. That was something that we had discussed together, and Jisoo had proposed that perhaps I find an excuse to spend as much time out of the room as possible so that I didn't need to concern myself with being around Seungcheol. I had originally planned on doing that, so I suppose that was what he thought he could hear from me.

But obviously that wasn't the case at all, so I started out by giving him an incredibly sheepish look. Jisoo stared at me blankly for a moment before catching on to the fact that something had happened, and then his eyes immediately widened as he stared at me in horror before questioning it. "What did you do with Seungcheol, Jeonghan? Did you two sort things out or something?"  
"It depends on what you mean by that," I told him, trying my hardest to keep up the mystery. Jisoo's eyes only widened further.  
"I bet you slept with him, didn't you? I can tell by the way you're looking so awkward there; you slept with Seungcheol when you were supposed to be there to work."

Rumbled. Jisoo knew me too well, and I think we both knew that. There was no hiding from him; he knew me well enough to know that I would end up caving really quickly if there was any sign that there was chemistry between us. The truth of the matter was that I was weak when boys proposed an interest in me, which was the biggest issue when I first met Mingyu. He showed an interest by flirting with me, and I gave in very quickly to the desire for him. It didn't take long at all before he had me wrapped around his finger - coiled tightly around him like an animal who was desperate to be touched - and then it didn't take any effort at all for him to get me to agree to a date and to sleep with him. Jisoo knew that well, if I was being completely honest with myself. He knew that a boy just had to show a little bit of interest in me and I would be all over him right away. So when Choi Seungcheol was affectionate with me in the hotel room, it didn't really take long at all for him to get me into bed with him.

Granted, I did try to defend myself as much as possible by telling Jisoo that it wasn't as if I did it in the heat of the moment. Seungcheol hadn't simply proposed that we sleep together, only for me to agree right away and do exactly what he said because he had asked me. It was different. We had been flirting with each other as a joke, but then I had realised that I wanted him and that was what started it. There was no push from Seungcheol's direction when I decided that I wanted to take the next steps; instead, I had made the decision whilst I was in the shower and he was sat in the bedroom. I was the one who washed myself up well for him, without Seungcheol having any idea that I was doing it, and then I was the one who dropped my towel in front of him so that he knew exactly what I wanted from him. It just happened to be the case that he wanted me too, and that was how we ended up sleeping together on the first night.

And then it was a lot easier to do after that. You don't need to sit there and have that discussion with someone once you've already slept with them before. We were all over each other when we got back to the room, having had a rough day of boredom and socialising, so we easily slipped into the rut when we got there. His hands stayed respectfully on my hips until I started feeling him up, and then they began to explore my body. It was clear that we both wanted to have each other, so we went for it. It was just as adults do, with neither of us pushing more than the other. Then finally, the stuff that happened on our final morning followed similarly. Seungcheol had woken up stiff, and I had woken up on the mood to ride him until we were both absolutely sated, so that was what happened. See, it wasn't quite like how things had gone down with Mingyu. Seungcheol didn't try to charm me or anything; we just felt a spark of chemistry between us, and I had decided that it was time to take the next steps. That was it.

If I'm being completely honest, Jisoo looked impressed by the fact that I hadn't just given in and slept with Seungcheol because he was trying it on with me. He seemed happy to know that there was something between us - some little spark that had lit the catalyst and left us wanting each other desperately - and I suppose it must have come as a sort of relief to him, seeing as it was a sign that I was taking more responsibility for my own feelings. I wasn't relying on other men to make the decisions for me, and not being so impulsive when it came to relationships. And I guess that that's something really nice to see from your best friend who has a habit of falling for anyone's charm. I actually saw a smile starting to grow on his face as I told him about everything - something that I remember very fondly nowadays - and then he stopped mid-pick to tell me exactly what he thought of the entire situation.

"It's really weird, you know. I thought that you and Seungcheol would always hate each other, but now you're stood here telling me that you have feelings for him. And I'm actually really happy for you. I thought I'd always hate him too, seeing as he always treated you like trash, but then you tell me that he held you whilst you were asleep together, that he always made sure that you were okay when he was touching you, and that he even walked you home to make sure that you got back safe as soon as you hit Seoul again. It's really cute, I think, and it's sort of like the Suengcheol I remember from when he first started working here and we were good friends. I'm glad that you're getting to see that side of him." Jisoo gently pressed a hand to my shoulder once he finished speaking, his smile radiating a warmth that made my heart melt instantly with happiness, and then got back on with his work. We picked a few items in silence, adding them to the stockpile in one of the cages that we had set up, before Jisoo finally spoke again.

"So, do you think he's good in bed, then? I've heard that he's really good at making people feel great in the bedroom, although I've obviously never experienced that sort of thing myself. I mean, not from him, at least."  
"He's surprisingly good," I admitted with a slight smile, "I mean, he's the first guy to make me finish hands-free, and I really appreciate that he put in the extra effort to make that happen. He said something about an ex-girlfriend not letting him stop until he'd made her finish too, so he's kept the habit and worked really had to make sure that every lover he has gets to experience something satisfying too." It was a bit personal to be telling him, but I knew that it was the sort of thing that Jisoo wanted to know. If anyone else asked me about that sort of thing, I would have told them where to go right away, but this was different. I trusted that he wouldn't tell anyone and that he wouldn't judge me for it either. Even though he seemed to be particularly interested in what I was telling him, and that his eyes immediately lit up when I told him about that. It was as if I'd given him full access to a gold mine, and he absolutely loved it.

"What about his piercing? I heard from the other guys that he put it back in for you because you said that you really liked it. Is that true?" I couldn't help but feel embarrassed in response to that comment. I didn't think that that sort of thing would go around the company, but I supposed that it would be quiet easy for someone to notice that he had it back in. After all, the silver piercing would only have to catch the light and someone's attention would be drawn to it at the urinal. Everyone knew that he had taken it out before I got to know him that little bit better, so it would have probably come as a surprise to a lot of our colleagues that he was wearing it again. Perhaps he had mentioned it to them that he had put it in for someone - not anyone in particular - or maybe he'd mentioned my name when I said it. Perhaps it was just a rumour created by someone who could see the blatant chemistry between us. Either way, it was incredibly embarrassing and I instantly felt my cheeks growing pink as I thought about it.

But I had to give an answer because this was Jisoo I was talking to, and not just some random person who was prying too far into my relationship with the manager. "Oh, uh... I didn't really think about it that much. I know he had it in, but I didn't feel it that much at all, considering that I expected it to be really intrusive. Like, I guess there was a bit of added texture and that probably helped with the hands-free stuff, but it wasn't as if it made a difference so much that I would be either unable to sleep with a guy who has a piercing there again, or never be able to sleep with a guy who doesn't have one. It's just another part of his body, I guess." Jisoo seemed surprised, but didn't really question it. He seemed satisfied by what I said and promptly moved past that to talk about the specifics of our romance. It was something I'd never thought he would ask, since he didn't ask for nearly as many details when I was in a relationship with Mingyu, but I supposed that it made sense when he was friends with both of us. His relationship with Mingyu wasn't anything close to his relationship with Seungcheol and probably wouldn't ever get to that stage, so it made more sense for him to focus on this relationship more.

Then he came up with the questions that I'd avoided thinking about since our chat on the train. The questions that made my heart pound with nerves, and my chest grow tight. Those were the questions that made me nervous, even when I was talking to the best friend I've ever had. You can probably guess it - he asked whether we were in a relationship or not. I immediately had to force a very awkward smile as I told him that we weren't officially together, and Jisoo simply sat there for a moment as he tried to figure out whether his question had touched on a sensitive spot. When he decided that it probably wasn't as bad as he expected and that I was probably just a bit anxious about putting labels on our relationship, he very gently asked me what the situation was, then. Was I interested in taking it further but Seungcheol not? Was Seungcheol interested in me, but my thoughts on it not so positive? Were we going to have a friends-with-benefits relationship and see how it all turned out? Was it simply a one-off, with neither of us really wanting to take the next steps?

"He's my person," I eventually said, just as softly. "I'm ready for a relationship but he's not quite there yet, so we're gonna take it easy and see where it goes. But we wanted to call it something without it seeming as if it's an affair or anything, which is why we're not using any other words to describe what we are. Seungcheol is my person and I'm his, and that's pretty much it." It was clear that Jisoo wanted to ask more about it, but he held his tongue and continued working until we had picked a few more items. At that point, though, he gradually hinted to me that he was going to speak again by flashing a few glances over at me, and then eventually gave a little cough before dipping back down that route again.  
"Have you had your first proper kiss with him yet? One where you haven't been drunk or about to sleep together?"

That was something that made my stomach flip when I heard it. I hadn't really considered that kissing someone would be a huge deal once I'd already done so in other contexts, but I supposed that Jisoo was right and it would make a world of difference. It was one of those things that really meant a lot to people, especially seeing as there was usually that strange feeling of romantic tension leading up to it, which meant that the first proper kiss with the right person was a magical moment that couldn't really be replicated. I couldn't help but get embarrassed again as I thought about it all, and that embarrassment stayed with me as I gave my answer.

Just as he had done when I described every other aspect of our relationship, Jisoo was quick to get excited when he heard about that, too. He lit up completely and informed me that he wanted to know as soon as it happened. Even if he was busy at the time, he wanted to know immediately. He would make time to hear about it, and he would drop everything that he was doing in order to hear every last detail of how it happened. He wanted to know how romantic it was, whether it had happened after a date and how that date went down, how he made it clear that he wanted to kiss me, and how it felt different to the other kisses that we had shared up until that point. I couldn't help but roll my eyes when Jisoo made his request; it seemed like way too much information for one person to know, but I supposed at least it meant that he was interested in everything that was going on in my life.

But at that point, I had pretty much finished everything I wanted to say about my relationship with Seungcheol, so I insisted that we change the topic to Jisoo's life. At that point, the tables were flipped right away as he told me that he there was someone at his church who was absolutely stunning, and he had a bit of a soft spot for them. He didn't specify whether that person was female or male, whether there was a certain connection with them, or anything like that. He just pointed out that he'd been watching them a lot because they were beautiful, but he wasn't too sure about making a move. After all, there were a number of factors to take into consideration. For starters, were they interested in him too? How did they see religion, compared to how Jisoo saw them? If they were really big on it to the point where they followed the Bible to the word, he didn't know whether he would be able to handle the relationship that might follow. Likewise, he didn't know if things would work out if the person wasn't that interested but merely went because it was what was expected of them. Then there was the fact that he wasn't there to start a relationship with someone. He was there to be a part of the Christian community.

It was a bit weird to hear him discussing it like that, if I was being completely honest. Jisoo didn't seem like the sort of person who would think about those sorts of things and actually be worried about them. He was generally really relaxed and, as I've mentioned before, one of the most non-judgemental people that I've ever met. But there he was, worried about the extent to which another person demonstrated their religion. I suppose that it did make sense, to a degree. He didn't really want to be with someone who thought that two guys being together was wrong. How would he be able to explain that at least six of his good friends were dating other guys, and that there were a few more people in the company too? That he went to pride events so that he could celebrate with them, and not just to show that religious people can be open-minded? And if the person he was interested in was a guy, it simply wouldn't work at all. On top of that, I suppose that there were other points that would bother him as well, such as the claims that women are property. Of course, a lot of things that were written should be taken with a pinch of salt and Jisoo knows that well, but some people didn't seem to get that at all, so there was always that risk.

Then there's the thing about seafood. I know it's a bit of a weak one, but Jisoo really likes seafood and some part of the book mentions something about not eating it, so I guess if people are really trying to be picky about it, that's not going to go well either. But I don't know. I guess that if that's how he feels, it's good that he knows it before he jumps into a relationship and ends up regretting it. As a side note, it's really helped him when it comes to relationships over the years, and it ultimately resulted in him having a really strong relationship with someone. As with the topic of Wonwoo and Mingyu's relationship, I'm not going to give any details of how long they've been together or anything, nor will I give any spoilers, but I'll just say now that they've been together for quite some time.

As weird as the topic of conversation was, though, I actually really enjoyed hearing about Jisoo's love life. It was usually something that he didn't speak about much, seeing as he's not really the sort of person to develop feelings for people or anything, so I really enjoyed how open he was about everything. It really made me feel connected to him - more than I usually do, even though I'm his best friend. It also helped the rest of my shift to go by incredibly quickly, despite the fact that I was asked to stay even longer after I was due to finish. Someone had called in sick and they didn't have anyone who could cover, Jihoon told me as I made my way over to the office to sign out. He would make sure to pay me double for the rest of the shift, seeing as I was technically doing overtime, and I would get a full hour break whenever I wanted it, too. So I ended up staying until the end - eight o'clock that day - even though I had been there for when the doors opened at eight that morning.

I didn't really mind that much at all, if I was being completely honest. It wasn't really a huge deal to spend my whole day there, as a one-off, when I wasn't really planning to do anything at home anyway. I would have probably just sat there and listened to music whilst lazing around. No big deal. It was much better for me to be moving around and being social. On top of that, there was the fact that Seungcheol was working the late shift that day, so I had the chance to chat with him and then leave at the same time that he did as well. That was something that improved my day significantly, since we were able to catch up on work things together - which branches had put everything from the seminar into action already, which branches were being firm about not doing it, what issues we were having with a few of the delivery staff, and the sorts. It meant that the dry hours right at the end of the shift weren't as dry as they could be and instead, they actually passed pretty quickly.

It was strange when we left the building to find that it was dark outside, though. I hadn't really expected it to be like that, even though I knew that I was finishing late. It was as if I was stepping into a new dimension when I walked outside to find that it was nighttime already, and that I would have to simply go home and get into bed soon afterwards. I was also surprised to find that it was incredibly cold outside; when I had arrived that morning, the temperature was mild, and I had been sure that I would finish in the early afternoon so there was no point in taking my coat. Thankfully, Seungcheol was on top of that as soon as he noticed that I was chilly, though, and wrapped his coat around my shoulders. To start with, I was going to reject the offer, but then I noticed that he already had a coat on. "I left this one here last week and was going to carry it home anyway," he told me, so I could hardly refuse it after that. The coat was slipped on, zipped up, and then I slipped my hands into the pockets to make the most of the warmth.

Seungcheol waited in front of the doors until the other staff were out of view. Since I had spent so long trying to sort the jacket out, I ended up waiting with him. He glanced in my direction, offering up a sweet smile, and then slowly slipped his hand into my pocket so that he could wrap his fingers around mine. A little gesture, but it was sweet and made my heart start racing instantly. "My one doesn't have pockets," he told me, as if he needed an excuse to hold my hand. We held the eye contact for a moment, smiles gradually starting to creep onto our faces as we mutually acknowledged the ridiculousness of the excuse. He gave a nervous laugh, his eyes dropping down towards the ground for a moment, but then they slowly started to drift back to my face again. And then he added, "Do you mind if I walk you home tonight? I need a bit of extra time to walk before I start heading home." It was probably what he wanted in the first place when he slipped his hand into my pocket, but I didn't point that out. It felt out of place to tease him when we both already knew the answer.

So I started walking in the direction of my parents' house. Not too fast or too slow; we spent the time chatting about everything that had happened during our day. I dared to mention that Jisoo had brought up our relationship, which caught Seungcheol's interest immediately, but I pointed out right away that I had told him exactly what we discussed on the train. Seungcheol was my person and nothing more at the moment; I wasn't going to try to impress our colleagues by going against what we had agreed on together. That seemed to satisfy him; he gave a hum of appreciation and proceeded to ask about everything else that had happened. He had heard that we spent around four hours gathering over four-hundred items for stock returns, and that I had spent a good amount of time showing Chan how to do stock discretion on the system. We discussed that for a few minutes before Seungcheol playfully reminded me that it took him almost six weeks to teach me how to process them on the system, seeing as I never quite managed to understand the process fully.

We spent the last part of the journey joking around until we eventually reached my place. Our conversation fell silent as we made our way up towards the front door, and then I turned to face him again. There were suddenly hundreds of things that I wanted to say to him - things that I hadn't had the chance to talk to him about as we were working or walking - but I knew right away that he needed to start heading home before it got too late. He was working early in the morning so he could hardly stay for the night - not without clean clothes or his toothbrush - and it would be unfair to deprive him of dinner. 

Before I could say my goodbyes, though, he leaned down in one quick swoop and pressed our lips together. It was a kiss that was unexpected but welcome; one that made my heart flutter instantly. My mind was like an old-style television, in the sense that it was fuzzy with static, and I swear my legs almost gave out underneath me. It was far from your typical first kiss, too; people always say that the first one is the most innocent, awkward kiss, but I soon found that he was pulling me closer to his body and my arms moved right around his neck as he deepened the kiss and slotted our mouths together perfectly so that our breath mingled and teeth naturally found lips in a playful battle to show the most affection to the other person. It was a kiss that was demanding but gentle; one that told me right away that he had changed his mind and wanted to make something of our relationship as quickly as possible. He didn't even need to say it to me out loud. I could tell from the way that he kissed me so lovingly and then stared into my eyes as he reached one hand up to stroke my hair.

"I bet you weren't expecting that, were you?" he asked me. I couldn't help but smile as I shook my head in response.


	19. Chapter 19

The beauty of starting a relationship with someone you work with is that when you're working day after day, you don't feel like you're neglecting them by not being around. You can have a chat at work, and you can go home afterwards for drinks and a romantic dinner without your nosey colleagues knowing too much about it. The difficulty, though, is that you shouldn't really be sleeping with colleagues in the first place. It's a dangerous game, and it's absolute hell if you happen to get caught in the act.

You guessed it; Choi Seungcheol asked me to be his boyfriend as soon as he'd finished kissing me. It was probably the sweetest way he could've asked. Sure, a fancy meal or huge date night would have been nice, but I wasn't going to force him to do that sort of thing to capture my heart. After all, he had already spent so much on me as it was and had frequently scraped together whatever money he happened to have so that he could buy me nice things. Drinks, meals, a movie. Pretty much anything I wanted, he would try to get for me. So I wasn't going to be that ungrateful little prick who snobbily informed him that I wasn't going to accept his proposal to date because he hadn't done it whilst we were out together.

Besides, I much preferred this way anyway. He was so shy about asking me to be his boyfriend and I couldn't help but melt when he said it. I haven't really seen Seungcheol looking nervous like that before, but I think the look suited him pretty well. He looked so cute with his eyes flickering up and down, in an attempt to avoid looking into my eyes wherever possible. His smile was absolutely beautiful when I agreed to be his boyfriend, and he hugged me even tighter, pressing me as close to his chest as physically possible. "I'm so glad," he whispered into my ear so quietly that I almost didn't hear him. "I'm so glad you accepted and didn't play hard to get or anything. I was so worried that I'd really put you off by asking you to wait but then I figured that you would've probably already told me if you were seeing someone else, so I guessed it was best to just plunge straight into it and go for the prize. And I think it paid off, didn't it?"

The way he said it made it sound weird but I didn't really care at that point in time. After all, I was getting what I had wanted for some time. Seungcheol was the first and last person I hated before I dated them, and it was really damn important to me because it represented that people and feelings could change. Call me soft or whatever, but I really loved the fact that things had changed between us. The thing is, it's really awful when you like someone and then they turn out to be an asshole, so it's a pretty huge deal when it turns out that it was just a temporary period in their life or that they didn't notice that they were being so cruel. I'm just glad that Seungcheol managed to sort himself out before our relationship was irreparable, and that I had been kind enough to give him a chance when he was so upset in the stockroom. Had I not, I wouldn't have been in a situation where I had him hugging me tightly against the front door of my parents' house, getting all emotional and embarrassed over the fact that he told me he was really into me.

Never in my life did I think that I would be in that position, but there we were and we were both happy. I could feel my heart pounding hard in my chest as he waved goodbye and started on his way back home, and I could hardly carry myself to my bedroom to lie down and think it through properly. My legs were shaking underneath me, making every single step a challenge until I finally reached my bed and flopped down onto it. For a while, I just stared at the ceiling in complete and utter silence as I tried to figure out whether it was all just a figment of my imagination or not. It really did feel like a dream at the time - I remember that distinctly - but then I recall feeling as if I needed to get over it as quickly as possible too. If we walked into work the following morning and looked really loved-up, we were not only going to get teased to absolute filth by our friends, but we could have also been in a position where we were getting scolded by our store manager. After all, work relationships in retail are pretty taboo because of the whole teamwork element; you can't have one person not pulling their weight or a couple arguing in front of customers because it really does affect everyone.

We had made a silent pact to keep it hidden, so I needed to get over it as quickly as possible. I called Jisoo to get it all out of my system as quickly as possible, making sure to give him every last detail so that I didn't feel compelled to talk about it whilst we were on shift together the following day, but then ultimately ended up spending four and a half hours discussing it with him. I recall my mother calling me for dinner at least five times before she came storming up to my room and had a go at me for taking too long to go downstairs. The conversation with Jisoo could always wait until we got to work the following day. Of course, I told her right away that it was something that couldn't wait until we got to work, since it was about a relationship that our colleagues weren't supposed to know about, and she got curious about it too. It meant that I had to explain the entire story to her later on, too. She wasn't quite as excited as Jisoo had been, but was still pretty interested in the fact that I was dating someone from work.

Saying that, though, she didn't know that Seungcheol was my manager. It was just one little point that I neglected to mention. After all, I knew that she would judge my decision. She's not the most judgemental person in the world, but she hardly keeps her opinions to herself. There are a few things that she really doesn't agree with - for example, sleeping with colleagues who aren't on the same level as yourself, getting involved with married men, and sending nude photos to people - so I wasn't going to make her hate my relationship right from the start by telling her that I was seeing one of my managers and had only taken an interest in him since he was superior to me. It was nice just seeing her getting excited about the fact that I finally managed to find myself a boyfriend who seemed to be really interested in me, even though she had obviously seen me get similarly excited when Mingyu and I started seeing each other.

Anyway, I got through the night after having spoken to Jisoo about it all and confirmed with Seungcheol for certain that we were going to keep things quiet. The last thing I wanted was to have completely misinterpreted everything and ended up as that guy who makes it look as if I'm embarrassed by my relationship with Seungcheol because I'm telling everyone that we're not seeing each other and he's telling people that we're finally in a relationship. But naturally, he had the same ideas that I had. We weren't going to say a word to anyone at work, other than Jisoo who Seungcheol was aware of, and we were just going to find a way to combat it if people started to figure things out. The chances of them figuring it out were going to be pretty slim, though, seeing as we weren't going to do anything new in work. We would be acting the exact same as we had done since we started to become friends, and that would be that.

Even so, I was nervous when I arrived at work the following day. I was so concerned that someone was going to see my face and know immediately that I started to out myself without thinking about it. I don't know how obvious I was making it that something had changed but a few of the more observant colleagues seemed to be suspicious of my behaviour when I turned up the following afternoon. Their eyes hesitated on me for longer than usual and the way that they greeted me suggested that they had taken note of my nerves, although they didn't say a word to me about it. I'm glad that they didn't, to be honest; I didn't really need anything to make me crack under the pressure. It would just make things awkward, and I knew that I would end up blurting things out loudly, which would only serve to make the situation worse. Just to make sure, I kept my eyes forward as much as possible and kept to myself, only to feel the tension rise when I saw Seungcheol over near the delivery door.

His eyes snapped up towards me when I walked over to grab a headset, and he was obviously trying his hardest to curb the smile that was threatening to show on his face. It was a smile that was soft and innocent, and it wasn't really like Seungcheol at all. I watched him try his hardest to tone it down even further, and then he finally ended up turning back to his computer so that he didn't have to let it show. "Jeonghan, how are things today? Are you excited for another fun-filled shift?" I couldn't help but groan in response. Interestingly, I found it easier right away when he spoke to me how he usually would.  
"It looks busy at the front and I don't know if I'm ready to deal with that sort of thing today. I think I'd prefer just to curl up at the back of the stockroom for a couple of hours."

He thought about it for a moment before suddenly sparking up. "Don't worry about anything today. They're training a few new managers, so there are more people around to help out. Soonyoung is getting trained as shop floor manager, Youngho is going to be taking over jewellry, and they're doing a few taster shifts for general management positions too. So if there are any issues at all, we're all here to support you." I couldn't help but smile in response. It definitely helped to comfort me, since I wasn't really feeling up to doing that shift. In addition, Seungcheol simply gave me a pat on the shoulder before sending me on my way, which was probably awkward enough in itself to make it look as if we were never going to have a romantic relationship. Once he did it, my smile only grew and I made sure to thank him for cheering me up before putting on the headset and getting straight to work as if nothing had happened between us at all.

As expected, it was busy right from the start. As I was signing in, I checked the screen at the front of the warehouse, only to see that there were two full pages of orders waiting for us. Minghao was calmly doing everything that he could, not even bothering to rush around, whilst Mingyu tossed himself around the warehouse like an absolute animal. We had two of our quieter but more efficient colleagues on the top floor - Minseok and Jinwoo - whilst Wonwoo and Seokmin took the collection point and jewellry areas. A quick glance over to the tills showed that even with Junhui, Chan and Jihoon working hard, the queue was still huge. It meant that we weren't going to have even a minute to ourselves for a while, but at least I was mentally prepared for it and knew that we had five and a half managers around as additional support. So I pushed my way through it. Order after order; I did what I could to get the crowd down as much as possible.

"Heavy item. Thirty-three-golf-zulu."  
"Description?"  
"Heavyweight barb. 6084-427."  
"Five."  
"Take to Collection A and call Order 456. Two-six-foxtrot-lima."  
"Description?"  
"Two-pack allergen pillows. 8141-278."  
"Three."  
"Take to Collection A and call Order 461. Two-six-juliett-echo."

You get the idea. It's the same thing over and over again. You get the same sort of items over and over again, though, which is just as you'd expect in this sort of store. People have the same ideas at the same time of year. You'll get people coming in to get their electric heaters at certain times of the year, and you'll get people coming in to get hand-fans and paddling pools as soon as it gets hot. You have people coming in to get their summer duvets at the same time, and you have people coming in to get their winter blankets at the same time. See, people don't usually stray too far from what everyone else is doing. It's aided further by the fact that we leave little hints around the store to encourage people to buy those sorts of things, and that a lot of customers will see that other people are getting that sort of thing and will proceed to get that too. It's just that sort of thing that every single person does, whether it's conscious or not.

So I'm not surprised anymore. If I have to get a thousand new pillows, I will. If I need to get a load of yoga mats and weights and fitness machines, I will. The trend at that point in time was a sort of "new me" theme. Everyone was big on exercising and starting to get fit before summer. There was just enough time before people started posting photos of themselves in bikinis and swim shorts, and a lot of people wanted to be in on that. In addition, it's the season where people are starting to realise the effects of eating loads on their bodies, so they're trying to get better with their health. Think detoxes, health drinks, protein, and tea sets. Everything health related that you can think of, people are absolutely going wild with them. Even though the vast majority will stick with it for around a week or two before they get bored and decide to skip a day. Skip one and it's easier to skip two, three, four, five, until you don't bother using that sort of thing anymore. That is, until next year when the summer detoxes start yet again.

It's fine, though. It makes it a lot easier for me. Instead of having to hunt through the items to find whatever people are looking for, I took educated guesses as to what people were going to buy. If there's a crunch machine, a microwave, and a child's toy on the shelf, what sort of thing am I expecting will be chosen? The crunch machine, of course. It's the obvious choice when people are so obsessed with their appearances. So I was able to blast through the orders at top speed and get them completely out of the way. Take them through to the customers on the shop floor, flash your winning smile and apologise for the wait whilst using your most polite verb endings. Make it sound pretentious but good enough for them. "널 기다리게해서 미안합니다." Ask them if they've had a good day as you check the items on their receipt. Stamp, stamp, stamp. Pile them neatly and put the receipt on top. Bow slightly as you thank them for their custom and wish them a good trip home.

See, it works every time. Just show them that you're working quickly and speeding through, and they'll be putty in your hands. Even the customers who look as if they're getting annoyed will generally be more patient with you if you flash that winning smile and show them that you're working really hard to keep the queues down. That ultimately means that fewer people are causing arguments too. You have fewer people coming over to say that they're irritated by the waiting times, and more people tell you that it's okay and they can see you working really hard if you make it obvious that you're rushing around behind the scenes to get the items as quickly as possible. That's the sort of thing that people want to see when they walk into a busy place. People rushing around and showing that they can do their jobs efficiently when there's so many things to do.

The problem is, though, that it's really emotionally taxing. That much is absolutely undeniable. Retail is a really taxing area of work and it has its way of making you feel like absolute trash as soon as you have a moment to breathe. The rush continued for a good hour or so, and then gradually started to improve so that we had a little bit of time just to breathe. But those times are the worst. You don't even have time to breathe when you _do_ have time to breathe. There's always something else to do. I took over the damaged items whilst Mingyu and Minghao put away all of the returns, and that alone took the three of us almost twenty minutes alongside out picks. Then we had to go and help out with the deliveries. Two of us took home deliveries, which took up a huge amount of time too, and then the other took on the stock transfers. Then we had to join together to finish the stock transfers. Then Minghao had to go upstairs and help the guys upstairs with the home delivery and stock transfers. Even the quiet moments are busy moments, as I said.

You'd think that we'd have a bit of time after all of that, right? Wrong. Then we had all of the discretions to sort out. Sometimes things were returned via delivery and sometimes they got lost along the way, so Mingyu and I had to sort out all of those issues and make sure that we found all of the items that were still on the system as being in returns or damages without actually being there. Then there were a load of fast-track orders that needed to be processed, with each item put away in a relevant place. _Then_ we had to put away all of the things we'd received in the post - all of the online orders that customers were going to collect from our store. And after all of that, when we finally had five minutes to relax and take a breather, we were faced with five cages of stock to put away.

At least that wasn't too bad, though. Mingyu and I could have a bit of a chat as we put things in their necessary places. It was quite relaxed, I suppose, and it meant that we were able to enjoy it a bit. There might have been over two hundred items crammed into those cages, but it was nice and easy when we were working together. And the added bonus was that a lot of the items were tiny, so we could put around six or seven of them into a tiny box in one go. It made for a quick and efficient experience, in which we managed to clear all of the cages in just over half an hour. We were frankly pretty impressed with ourselves when we finished, and just about managed to have a relaxing finish to our shift before we closed the store and signed off our headsets.

"So," Seungcheol said once we finished the shift. He gradually made his way over and stood next to me, although he didn't dare to do anything like wrap his arm around me. Instead he just gave a slight smile and put his coat on. "The store manager told me that the meeting about what we learnt at the seminar is going to be in two week's time and we need to come up with a presentation to show the rest of the group. Do you want to come over tonight for drinks, something to eat, and to get it all sorted so we don't need to worry about it anymore? Or would you prefer it if we just pushed it to the side for now, seeing as it's quite a lot to do after a shift like this? I understand that it's been quite stressful for you today, and I don't want to be that guy to push it too far and overload you."

Strangely, the boys we work with immediately turned towards us and smirked before I even had the chance to answer. "Oh, you're inviting him over for dinner and drinks? Is he gonna find that your dick is for dessert?" Soonyoung teased, turning towards Jihoon to share his amusement. Of course, Jihoon knew exactly what was coming up and ended up joining in right away.  
"Oh, Jeonghan. Dessert is served, but you have to be on your knees for it," he cooed to Soonyoung, who immediately dropped down onto his knees and gazed up at him lovingly.  
"I do hope there's cream on top of whatever you're serving up," Soonyoung added, and they both immediately burst into laughs. Soonyoung was back on his feet immediately and Jihoon playfully shoved him before going over to the sign-out machine to punch in his number.

I was surprised to see that Seungcheol just shook his head and laughed - almost cheerfully - before telling them that we weren't doing anything like that. Of course, though, the jokes were already playing in the group chat by the time we got back to Seungcheol's place. We had around forty messages already about how we were probably sleeping together, and everyone in there pulled their efforts together to find proof that we were sleeping together. Interestingly, although they were right about it, they didn't get any of the reasons for anything right at all. For example, here is a segment from the chat:

 **Feed Me Dino (Chan)** : Do you all think that's why Seungcheol was being so mean to him at work??? Trying to hide the fact that he's boning him outside of work??? [eyes emoji]  
 **12ft Trampoline (Seokmin)** : Probably a dominatrix or smthing haha you never know with these managerial types. Take @POCKET SNACK for example [wink emoji]  
 **Pocket Snack (Jihoon)** : Hey, Seokmin, you little shit.  
 **Combination Lock (Wonwoo)** : Just saying, Han wasn't on Cheol's dick when he was with Gyu, so it'd have to be pretty recent if you think they're seeing each other.  
 **Rolled Mattress (Minghao)** : Are you trying to be the voice of reason here Wonwoo??  
 **Combination Lock (Wonwoo)** : All I'm saying is that if they are seeing each other, it would be more recent. Perhaps when Cheol slipped up the other week and said, "We're having a quiet night in," instead of, "I'm having a quiet night in."

Admittedly, Wonwoo _was_ pretty good at figuring that sort of thing out. I think he probably knew that there was something between Seungcheol and I, but he didn't really want to put us in a position where we felt as if we couldn't deny it. He'd chosen something that wasn't really related, since Seungcheol probably wasn't talking about spending a night in with me, and I was almost certain that he knew that it held no bearing. It was a safety net, I suppose, for both us and him. I had told him about my feelings towards Seungcheol and he knew full well that we had been flirting a bit before Mingyu arrived, so he didn't really want to make things awkward for us by bringing up the obvious answer - our business trip together. And since no one else had brought that up either, we didn't need to confirm or deny it to anyone. It was smart, and I appreciated it a lot because it meant that all of the other suggestions were merely grasping at straws.

Regardless of whether he was doing it intentionally though, Seungcheol and I decided that we would make it even harder for them to figure out whether we were seeing each other or not by messing with them in the group chat. In the most over-the-top, obviously fake way that you could possibly imagine. It was like a game for us; we didn't want people to know about us, but we also didn't mind our friends speculating about it because chances were, if they were trying to pick for evidence that we were seeing each other and we were messing with their heads at the same time, they would eventually conclude that there wasn't anything between us.

 **Ottoman Table (Seungcheol)** : Baby, come upstairs and let me eat your ass ;)  
 **Ottoman Table (Seungcheol)** : Oh no :P Wrong chat  
 **Titty Pump (Jeonghan)** : Coming, daddy <3 <3 <3  
 **Titty Pump (Jeonghan)** : Wrong chat for me too, whoops haha :')  
 **Popstar Karaoke (Seungkwan)** : Oh god, nasties. You stop that right now.  
 **Feed Me Dino (Chan)** : Brb time to bleach my eyes [vomit emoji]

It was so clear that it wasn't genuine, but they took it so seriously it was hilarious. Of course, they could guess right away that we were sat next to each other and gave us thirty seconds to send them a photo as proof that we weren't getting intimate. It's a rule in our chat that you have to send the photo, otherwise the person who lives nearest to you visits your house to see what you're doing. We'd had an incident just before that occasion where they did a photo test on Wonwoo and he had to take a photo of himself in bed with Mingyu, since the last thing they needed was for our friends to turn up at Mingyu's house and annoy his mom. Anyway, we took the photo and made it only somewhat seriously by taking it in his main room with a bowl of pasta each, pretending to be about to kiss each other. It was only a joke, obviously, but it caused discourse right away. A few of them started discussing it in even more detail so we ended up muting the chat again for a while and putting our phones to the side so that we didn't need to deal with it. After all, we did actually have work to do and we could have been there all night answering the messages in the group chat.

Surprisingly, though, Seungcheol was actually pretty far from romantic when we were at his place together. I was actually really glad; it meant that things hadn't suddenly changed as soon as we started dating properly. He wasn't all over me all of the time and he wasn't trying to force kisses onto me at every given opportunity. You know how some guys can be once you start seeing them. You go from being able to hold a regular conversation to him trying to mount you like a dog in heat, and it's the nastiest thing ever. I was so worried that he would be like that, but it actually went really nicely. Instead of being couply, we sat and ate dinner together and discussed everything that had gone down at work that day, and then Seungcheol suggested that we take showers and get into something more comfortable. As with many new romances, we did end up getting into the shower together, which led to a little bit of intimacy with us washing each other, but that was the extent of it all. Touching each other's skin in a flirty manner. No sex, no masturbation, no making out. Just washing each other and making skin contact.

Once we were out, I did have a moment where I felt a bit suspicious of where he was going with his suggestions, but the thought was also thrown in the trash almost immediately. "Feel free to pick out anything you want to wear. I think you'd look good in the stuff that's in the top drawer, but it's up to you." Typically, the top drawer is for underwear, so I expected that I would open it up to find all sorts of sexy lingerie from when he was in his early twenties or something. Instead, though, I found that it was a drawer of soft clothes. Big jumpers and fluffy bed trousers. He had a big Harry Potter jumper - a bright red Gryffindor one - made out of a really nice cotton-fleece blend. As for bed trousers, he had some that looked like a galaxy and I absolutely loved them. Both items were incredibly baggy but I loved feeling them on my skin, and I loved even more that Seungcheol chose to wear oversized clothes too. It really showed the intentions of the evening.

Better yet, when we eventually finished our work - a twenty-five slide long PowerPoint presentation on the things that we had learnt at the seminar - our experience in bed was even better. Seungcheol let me choose my side of the bed and then cuddled up close to me once we were both happy with the arrangement. He could feel that I was a bit cold so he wrapped his body around mine as tightly as he could, then wrapped his feet around mine so that my toes didn't feel the cold quite as badly as they had been feeling it. He said goodnight, and that was it until the morning, where I woke up to find that he was still trying his hardest to keep me warm as best as possible.

The beauty of new relationships is that those sorts of experiences are all fresh and new, and you're finally having the chance to experience them properly for the first time with someone who makes you feel that it's worthwhile being like a high school student who has never felt love before.


	20. Chapter 20

Now, I'm not sure if you're aware or not, but there's an unspoken rule of new relationships.

That rule is that something bad has to happen within the first few months of you starting something new with someone. It has to be something that will genuinely test you, and it's the sort of test that would really determine the fate of your relationship. Sometimes it's something really bad - for example, one of my exes cheated on me after just two months together, and another moved to a completely different country when we had only been together for a month - but sometimes it's something that you can deal with - for example, one ex-boyfriend broke his ankle and couldn't go anywhere without supervision, and another revealed that he wasn't out to his parents, even though he had been out to his friends for almost five years. It's just one of those things, and it's essentially the unspoken laws of relationships that it has to happen at some point.

So I had sort of been anticipating it when I first got with Choi Seungcheol. You know, the beauty of it all was that I knew it couldn't possibly be that bad. After all, we had already been through so much that it could hardly be a big leap. We had dealt with my immature self deciding that it was a good idea to date someone else when it was very clear that I was already sort of seeing Seungcheol beforehand, and then there were all of the arguments that followed. There was the sexual tension between us, and there was the fact that we hated each other at the start. See, there's not much else that could have happened. I knew that he wouldn't cheat on me, since he's an adult and a mature one at that, and I knew that it wouldn't be an argument, since we had already decided that we would deal with things in a mature manner if we started to disagree over something big. Our relationship was a good one, so it could only ever be work-related.

And work-related it was. Our delivery night manager left without much notice at all. That was the problem that arose. We're supposed to give a week of notice and managers are supposed to give at least a month, so it was a bit of a shock for us when, after a particularly tough delivery, he put his notice on the store manager's desk. That notice explained that he wasn't planning on coming back at all, since he was sick of the attitude of the other night staff. He was sick of the fact that some of them didn't turn up to their shifts, that they wouldn't put away half as many items as they should do in the allotted time, and that they would mostly stand around and complain instead of doing what they were supposed to be doing. In fact, he even paid back the wage of the shifts that he missed out of his final wage when he left, so the store manager couldn't even complain about it. It meant, though, that Seungcheol had to be the one to cover him, which was where our problem arose.

See, the biggest problem is that it's a tough job. It requires special training to take on that position and since Seungcheol and that manager were the only two we had who were trained in that position, it was a bit of a difficult one for us. Seungcheol would take that shift for five nights a week, whilst the other manager would take the remaining two. They were supposed to be training two more members of staff to do that job before that manager left, but they didn't really anticipate that he would leave so suddenly so they never really got around to doing it. It meant that Seungcheol had to take on the position almost full-time, whilst the store manager took a crash course in the position and then covered the remaining night. On top of that, he had to start training three new managers for that position so that they would be able to have a break and Seungcheol would be able to go back to doing his regular shifts.

But that brought along another issue in itself. It took thirty hours of online training for the position, plus twenty hours of in-person training outside of operational hours - i.e. during the day - then functional training during the night for three shifts, and then they would have to complete two shifts where they shadowed Seungcheol, and finally a trial shift on their own with Seungcheol or the store manager on call at all times. And the trial shift had to be completely on their own, which meant that either Seungcheol or the store manager would have to be in the building for three additional nights to make sure that they were there to help if things were going downhill. As I said, it's a hard job. Not only are they responsible for ordering all of the new stock to come into the branch, but they also have to arrange for someone to pick it up, get up to eight cages downstairs and fourteen upstairs, unload them all and find room for everything, then check all of the items that are being flagged up on the system as having been put in an unsuitable location, and then finalise it all. If that's not done by nine o'clock the following morning, the system thinks that it didn't all arrive and reorders the entire order again for the following night.

That's what Seungcheol had to deal with almost entirely on his own for three weeks straight, just two and a half months after we got together. I could see that he was incredibly stressed out about it, and it was pretty understandable really. He was under a lot of pressure as it was and _then_ had to deal with the pressure of night shifts too. He was working with only four members of staff on a three-person rotation every shift, and they could have anything up to one thousand items to put away every single day. And considering that they still had all of the problems that the last delivery night manager highlighted, it proved to be an almost impossible task. Some days, I would arrive into work to see that Seungcheol was still working hard and trying to push through everything, and sometimes he would still be there until two o'clock in the afternoon. Then he would need to go home, have a rest, shower, and then be back in work for eight o'clock when the store was being closed up for the night. He had administrative work to do until nine o'clock, and then the deliveries would arrive. Rinse and repeat every day until his day off, which would sometimes be ten days after his last day off.

I got to see him at his worst at that point in time. Honestly, we've been through a lot together since then - I've seen everything from emotional breakdowns to his relationships with other people breaking down - but nothing was as bad as seeing him in that state. A lot of the time, we wouldn't be able to see each other or even chat, but he would take it personally. "I'm the worst boyfriend in the world, neglecting you like this," he said to me one morning when I went upstairs to help him with the last of the delivery. It was clear that he was having a bad night as it was, since there were still almost three hundred items in cages and the other night staff had gone home, but then my attempts at helping him made things worse. He wanted to get it all out of the way, but wanted to take full responsibility for it because he knew that I had a load of other things to do at the start of my shift. I ended up simply hugging him and telling him that it was fine, but he wasn't having any of it.

"Look," I told him, "It doesn't matter how long we spend apart. You have some couples who survive their loves going off for military service and they wait the entire time. A few weeks of you being exhausted isn't nice to see, especially since you look as if you haven't had a good night sleep in months, but I'm not going to complain that I'm not getting enough attention. After all, we agreed to keep our relationship on the down-low anyway, so I can hardly complain that our relationship isn't being taken into consideration by the store manager or anything." He still didn't seem all that happy about it, but he gave a nod of agreement anyway.  
"I suppose that's right, but I still don't like the thought that we're not getting to spend time together. You start your shift when mine finishes, and I'm too tired to chat with you or anything. I feel that things aren't going to work out between us if we have this going on in the background, and I don't want to ruin things by working so much."

"What can we do about it, though?" I asked him. Obviously, Seungcheol had no answer so we were left standing in silence for a few seconds before I continued. "Only two people can take the job, so I can hardly tell you not to do the shifts. We just have to put up with it and keep working hard, and we'll eventually get to the point where we're not in this situation anymore. And I promise you, it'll come quicker than you think. I bet every day is breezing past, hm? Even though it feels like it's taking forever, it goes quicker than you imagined it would." He gave a little nod and lowered his head. I could tell that he knew I was right, but he just didn't know how to admit it. It wasn't the sort of thing that he really wanted to confess anyway. How could he? It was the truth but he didn't want to admit that there was no other option but to stick with it because he wanted nothing more than to enjoy our time as a couple without these sort of obstructions.

"It's not just that, though," he eventually said, once we had spent a good amount of time reflecting on the fact that we would have to deal with it. "It's other things too. A lot of other things."  
"Hm?"  
"I mean, we don't even really have that much time with work at all. We spend our time working hard and not making it obvious that we're in a relationship - which we would probably still do if we _had_ told everyone that we were together, since neither of us would spend our time flaunting it at work when there's so much to do - but then we can't even relax when we get home. Either I come to your place, we have dinner and then I have to leave shortly afterwards so that I can rest up before the morning shift, or you come to my place and you can stay for an hour or two, depending on whether your dad can pick you up from my place or not. And sure, we've slept at each other's houses here and there, but it relies primarily on us both having a day off on the same day."

I had to admit it; he was right. My stomach lurched. I hadn't really considered it like that. Whilst we could pretend that things were going to be fine when he finished the awful run of night shifts, it wasn't necessarily true to say that. Okay, it was going to go back to normal, but 'normal' involved us spending very little time together as a couple. After long hours at work, the last thing you really want to do is stay up until the early hours of the morning. You might love your boyfriend more than anything in the world, but you might not want to ruin that by being together every day after work, when you're already really stressed and want some alone time. It's the reality of trying to hold a relationship together when you're both working in retail. The only good thing about it, actually, is the fact that if we did end up telling the store manager that we're in a relationship, there would be a greater chance of us having shifts together.

Until then, though, we would have to try to figure something else out. I thought about it for a long time, I swear. Every time I had a spare minute at work, I tried to come up with realistic solutions for us, just so that it would take the strain off our relationship. I suppose that it didn't really affect me as much as it should have done, since I've had both relationships where I've seen them once a day and ones where I've only seen them once a month. But I knew that it really bothered Seungcheol and I guess that that was my motivator to continue hunting for an answer to our problem.

After all, he put everything to one side for me. I know that he still wasn't ready to have a relationship with me when we first started seeing each other, but he tossed all of those feelings out of the window so that he could pursue something with me. He made it feel as if it was his one wish in the world - to have a lasting, fulfilling relationship with each other - and so I felt as if I owed it to him to make things work out his way. I suppose that he probably hadn't had too many relationships where he hardly had any time with them at all, so I wasn't going to let our relationship collapse because we were having to do that sort of thing. I wasn't going to make him regret choosing me as his boyfriend when we'd gone through so many things together.

It was actually pretty funny, though. Even though I spent forever trying to figure it out and coming up with a hundred different solutions to the problem, I wasn't the one to come up with the winner in the end. It was Jisoo. I had spent some time talking to him about the problem when we were on our break together, and he came up with the most logical suggestion imaginable. "You should move in together," he said quite simply. "It's pretty soon into your relationship, which makes it a little bit difficult, but it'll help you in a multitude of ways. See, you'll get to go to work together, come home together, eat meals and share a bed together. Your romance will come alive, you'll be there to look after each other, and then you won't even need to worry about poverty. You put a little bit in each month, he puts a bit in each month. He wipes off some of his debt, you've sort of got your own place then, and you can both take fewer hours so that you can spend time together because you've both got what you wanted from the job in the first place."

"Don't be ridiculous," I told him, but it suddenly sounded like a great idea as soon as the words passed my lips. After all, it made a lot more sense. We didn't need to be living together as lovers, I supposed; we could always have separate rooms still - with Seungcheol sleeping in his bed and me on the sofa - and we could simply exist in the same space outside of bedtime. If one of us needed space, we could do so in our own rooms, or I could go back to my parents' house for a few hours. It wouldn't be all that difficult to make it work. Jisoo caught onto the fact that I realised that and immediately gave a smirk as he raised his eyebrow slightly. So I continued. "I... I couldn't possibly ask him if I can move in with him. It's a bit of an invasion of his privacy, isn't it? And there's no way that he would move in with _me_. Even though my parents would allow it, he needs to show his parents that he's independent."

"I'll ask for you," he told me with a smile. "I'll send him a message about it and suggest that he should talk to you about the idea of moving in together. In the meantime, prepare your parents for the possibility that it might happen. Make sure to point out that you've been seeing each other casually since last New Year, even though it's only been official for a few weeks. They should understand a little bit better and see it as a good thing that you're finally moving out and being your own person." Now, I didn't know about that part, but I agreed right away. I wasn't going to be that person who rejected it all because of that sort of thing, since I knew that my parents would support me even if they hated the idea, but I knew right away that they weren't going to like the idea, whether I'd only just met Seungcheol or been dating him for years. I began to think about how I would suggest it all to them whilst I was working, and then eventually came up with a rehearsed speech by the time I got home.

This speech left my heart in my throat throughout the entire journey home, all the way up until six o'clock when both of my parents were home from work, and then through dinner. I could barely stomach the food, and it was only made worse when my mother finally asked me what was happening in my life to put me off my food like that. So I came out and told her. "Seungcheol and I are trying to work through some problems right now because we're in a difficult place at work, but Jisoo said that it might be best if we move in together because at least that way, we don't need to worry about not being able to see each other on top of everything else." I watched as my mother's face dropped, and she immediately put her chopsticks down so that she could find the words to speak. Her eyes darted towards my father, who offered no solution either, and so she was eventually forced to speak again.

"Do you really think that it's a good idea, Jeonghan?" she asked me seriously. "I mean, you haven't been dating for too long at all. Don't you think it's a bit soon to move in together when you potentially have the rest of your lives together? After all, there shouldn't be any rush to do that sort of thing if you love each other."  
"It'll be fine. I've calculated the risk and it's not all that likely at all that we're going to end up breaking up any time soon. And if we do, I have enough saved to be able to get a small apartment."  
"No no, that's not it. You know you always have a home here, and I wouldn't want you to end up paying rent for a rubbish little apartment when you're trying your hardest to find a good place to live." A small smile crept onto her face, as if she hadn't just been questioning my life decisions, and she reached across the table to touch my hand. "I'm just worried that moving in together is going to be a bit too much when you said you're already facing problems. I haven't heard you two fighting since you got here so I don't really want it to start when you're around each other all the time."

I could see where she was coming from, honestly, but I didn't really want to go ahead and admit it. I wanted to move in with him. I hadn't realised just how much I wanted it until Jisoo brought it up; it then became something that I craved. By bringing the topic up in conversation, I wasn't trying to ask for her permission. I was trying to tell her what was happening. So long as Seungcheol agreed to it and came forward to ask me, I would be moving in with him. It wasn't a matter of whether I wanted to live with him or not. I knew that it was where I wanted to be - somewhere where I had the chance to develop my independence skills and enjoy having a relationship with someone I loved a lot. "I think it'll teach us things," I told her, as a result. "It'll teach us very quickly whether or not we actually want to spend our lives together. If it collapses early into our lives together, so be it. We aren't meant to be a couple. If it doesn't, then it's great."

She didn't seem happy, but she gave a nod anyway. So I decided to add a very simple, "At least you won't have to risk walking in on us getting intimate if I move out. You know, how you've managed to do with the last four boyfriends I've had." Apparently, it hit a bit of a sore spot, as she looked up at me with teary eyes and gave a weak smile and nod. I could see the pain in her eyes as she realised that she wouldn't be able to experience those awkward but funny moments with me anymore, and it absolutely broke my heart to see her reacting like that.  
"That was only once with Seungcheol, and you know that I didn't mean to walk in without knocking," she told me. "I've learnt from my mistakes after seeing that. You don't need to move out for me to avoid that; I know to knock whenever you're in your room because there's always that change that someone's naked. Besides, I only caught you and Mingyu because you were both so loud that I couldn't miss it."

I don't think my father really wanted to hear that sort of thing - his nose instantly scrunched as she started discussing how she missed when I was a sweet, innocent little child and she didn't need to worry about walking into my room to find me either masturbating or with someone on top of me - but I suppose it was a little bit of a bonding experience for my mother and I. Weird for us to be bonding over the fact that she's seen me getting screwed on at least a handful of occasions, but it was nice to joke with her about the fact that I was growing up and becoming a proper adult. Sure, I was technically grown up from the age of nineteen, since I was legally able to do pretty much anything I wanted to do, but there's something fresh about being grown up enough to be moving into your own place. That's especially the case when you're moving in with another person. It's a huge step in life, and I don't think any parent wants to think that their baby is getting old enough for a mature adult relationship.

You see, the beauty of normality in this sort of situation is that I was always going to be my mother's baby. And that's the same in every loving family. You're always going to be that baby who cried over ridiculous things; the one who didn't want to be weaned from a milk-only diet, and the one who probably peed on the floor once a week when you were potty training. You would pretend to be asleep in the car after a long journey so that your father would carry you to bed, and your parents probably saw your bare ass more times than they saw their own. You will have been caught in the rain without a coat on the way home from work, and your parent will have reluctantly given you their coat. They would have probably ended up with a cold, but they wouldn't tell you that because they wouldn't want you feeling guilty about it. They would've seen you dressed up in your school uniform for the first time and walked you to the school gate, feeling confident the entire way there until you realised that you had to say goodbye. You would've probably cried and asked your parent to take you into the classroom, even though they would refuse and the teacher would tell you to come along.

They see all of those aspects of your life, and you take it for granted. You go from losing teeth to losing boyfriends. You get your name on the board for forgetting your homework, and you get your phone taken away because you were caught texting your best friend in class. You have your first accident in school, where you end up scraping your knees and ripping a hole in your trousers and scuffing those shiny new shoes that your parents only just bought for you. You have your first love, who tells you that they love you even though neither of you really have a concept of it; they make your heart flutter a little bit and they might kiss you behind the shed at school, but your romance passes with the seasons and you find out that you're too young for that sort of thing. And even though you probably hate your parents when you're growing up - you think that they're unreasonable and only care about making themselves look good - they see you through every single part of your life when you're growing up to be the adult that you've always wanted to be.

I suppose that my parents should be disappointed in how I ended up. Most other Korean parents would be humiliated by me. I was working in retail and still living at home, even though I was in my twenties. I was sometimes argumentative and I was quick to find a rebound after relationships. I was the sort of person who would sneak out late at night and have raunchy relationships with boys I barely knew. I had unprotected sex with so many people, I was irrational and explosive at times when I was growing up, and I have a bit of an obsessive personality which often landed me in trouble. But they love me all the same, and they treated me with so much love and respect when I announced that I wanted to move out. There was no indication that they were disappointed or that it wouldn't work out because neither of us was going to be working as a business manager in a top company. They were disappointed that I was leaving, _not_ because of who I was as a person, and I honestly think that it made it easier for everyone.

It also made it harder to say goodbye, though. Seungcheol called me a few days later to say that he had been considering it and he wanted to ask if I wanted to move into his apartment with him. Of course, I was on top of it right away and excited to leave. I had everything packed in record time, and I was ready to head off as quickly as possible. I even booked for a mover to come in and take all of my cardboard boxes over to Seungcheol's house, whilst I would take the car with my parents. They came in and helped me to unpack everything, not even bothering to comment on the fact that it was so small. There was a space for everything, and a few things that would improve our lives significantly too. I had a few utilities that they donated to me - like a top-quality rice steamer and a proper coffee machine - that quickly found a home in the kitchen. We had a few extra blankets for the bed, and a few DVDs so that we could have a bit of entertainment if we didn't have to work.

I expected that it would be great when everything was unpacked. It felt just like home; as if I was supposed to be there and it was my fate to be with Seungcheol, living with him as his boyfriend. We were finally taking those steps that would ensure that we were adults, and I loved that more than I could possibly describe. I thought that it was the start of the most amazing adventure of my life - one where I could prove that I could make it on my own without the guidance of more experienced adults - but saying goodbye to my parents suddenly made the permanence of it very obvious and broke my heart instantly. I couldn't help but start crying when my mother hugged me, and in the end, we got dinner together before they left for good. At least that way, it felt as if it had always been that way; as if we were just meeting up temporarily to catch up on things, only to part again and get on with our adult lives again.

Admittedly, I'm really thankful that we did it like that. Not only could I make sure that Seungcheol had eaten at least one proper meal that day - courtesy of my parents, who decided that they needed to treat us before I parted with them properly - but I also managed to get through the rest of the night without crying again. The hugs were warm but not desperate, and I managed to sleep well that night too, without worrying about my future with Choi Seungcheol. Our relationship was taking those steps that would ultimately determine our success, and that was what we needed to face in order to pave our way in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what it is, but I struggled to write this chapter a bit. I've been staring at it for three days and only just finished it at 1am. But it's done and hopefully it's decent!!
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	21. Chapter 21

As you can imagine, we ended up having to tell our boss about the fact that we had moved in together. We still weren't sure about announcing our relationship, but we figured that it was for the best to tell just one other person about it. After all, Seungcheol wasn't actually my direct line manager and we had been working perfectly fine together up until that point, so it just went to show that it wasn't something that would affect our work negatively.

It didn't mean that we weren't nervous, though. It's a big deal to tell your boss that you're seeing someone else within the company. There are no rules against it, but it can be seen as a taboo thing when a manager and customer adviser are dating. It was different for Wonwoo and Mingyu, since they're both customer advisers, and likewise for most of the other relationships in the company. In fact, even the relationship between Jihoon and his boyfriends started when they were both customer advisers, which made our relationship feel that little bit more taboo. In addition, these sorts of things make people jump to conclusions. Especially when it comes to the fact that we went away to that meeting together. Having to explain that you weren't involved with someone before a big event like that is a pretty difficult task when everything appears to add up differently.

So we asked for the meeting and went in together. Asked that it would be confidential and that not even the other managers would find out about it. If it comforted him, we said, we were trying to keep it a secret from everyone so we weren't going to be doing anything inappropriate at work. We just wanted to let him know for a few reasons: the first being that we had to disclose if we lived with another member of staff anyway, the second being that it was the perfect time to mention that we were in a relationship but had been trialling things for a few months beforehand, and the third being that we were hoping to take fewer shifts now that we had new managers around.

Strangely, the store manager seemed completely fine with it. He didn't make it into a bigger deal than it actually was, and made sure to tell us that it would all be confidential until we decided to talk to other people about it. After all, it wasn't his job to make us come out to people, and it certainly wasn't his place to announce to the company that we were seeing each other either. He didn't want anyone to think that we were embarrassed about it to the point where we didn't want to chat with him about everything, since that sort of thing gave off the impression that we thought that we were doing something wrong, and he didn't want to push us into a corner where we thought that we couldn't _not_ tell people about it. The one thing he did suggest, though, was to come up with an excuse for if people asked us about why we were taking fewer shifts.

You see, it was hardly a secret that Seungcheol is poor and in a really bad financial situation. All of our friends knew that there was a point in time in which he had maxed out all of his cards, and they made sure to approach the topic of finance very delicately if it was brought up because they knew that he was still putting most of his spare money into paying back his debts. For him to take fewer hours, it would take a lot. They knew that he was barely making ends meet as it was. So we decided that we would tell them that we moved in together, but not that we were in a relationship. We could claim to be roommates so that I could start developing independence and so that Seungcheol didn't need to put so much pressure on himself. It seemed like a relatively genuine way to put it, too, since we were merely missing details out instead of outright lying.

I suppose it took a weight off for both of us when we finally announced that to the store manager. It felt as if everything was a lot less stressful and that we could be a lot less uptight about everything. It was up to us to come out from that point on, since there was no worry that someone would report our relationship before we managed to tell the store manager about it, and so we made sure to mess with each other after the store closed sometimes. Seungcheol would make playful comments about me or I'd tell him that he would have to carry me home if he wanted me to cook because I was too tired to do both. It led a few of our friends to make comments about how they would plan a surprise visit to our place and they'd find us sexily feeding each other as Seungcheol screwed me on the kitchen table, but it was definitely still a joke. The beauty of these sorts of relationships where everyone thinks that there's something between you is that the more inside jokes you make about that sort of thing, the less people actually think that there's something romantic going on in the background.

Which was far from the truth for us, as you can probably imagine. What we had was very much romantic, and highly sexually active too. For the first few weeks after we moved in together, we began the stage in our relationship where we couldn't keep our hands off each other. That sort of thing is hard when you don't live together and one person lives with their parents; we made a very swift decision to avoid getting naked in my parents' house too often when my mother walked in on us that one time, and so we made the most of it when we were both living in one house. It was as if our relationship was fresh and new again; as if we'd never touched each other before and we were filled with more desire that one person could conceivably experience at any one point in time. We would get into the kitchen and I would feel his lips on my neck as he cuddled against my back and whilst I would usually demand that we get washed up first - as I did later on in our relationship - I couldn't help but give in to his demands when we were fresh into living together.

So we ended up marking the house as our own. Every surface; every inch of the house was ours. We were like animals in heat to start with, making use of every single waking moment until we were both heaving with satisfaction and melting with desire for each other. My lips grew chapped from the amount of time that they were spent pressed against Seungcheol's, and my thighs eventually started chafing from the amount of time that he spent between them. My body was sometimes heavy when I got into work, since it was a lot of physical strain to be all over someone so often, and I couldn't help but have the thoughts of him on my mind the entire time. It was absolute bliss, admittedly, and I miss being at that point in our relationship. It's the period where you feel the most loved, even though it's not necessarily the period in which you feel the safest or most supported.

In fact, everything felt a lot better when we moved in together, even though we _hadn't_ reached that stage of optimum safety and support. I felt that I was a lot more relaxed when we went home together and didn't need to worry about parting, and I genuinely felt a lot happier to be out of my parents' place. Don't get me wrong, I really love them and didn't want to move out because we didn't get along or anything like that, but the last thing I wanted in life was to still be living with them when I hit my mid-twenties. It was a fear of sorts; it was a sign that I wasn't successful in what I do, and the thought of being a failure really terrifies me. So, to be able to move out of their place and in with someone I genuinely liked, it was a pretty big deal for me. On top of that, the shorter work hours meant that I was a lot less stressed and I could face the day with a good mood.

I do also think that being in our sort of relationship really changed Seungcheol in a good way too. He was your typical bachelor before I moved in, and I'd somehow managed to take on the role of his househusband, even though obviously we were both working and all. It was completely voluntary, mind you, but I do think it changed his perspective of the world. For starters, there was the fact that we went out and bought food together. We made a list of the meals that we wanted to make over the week, and then we went to a budget market to buy what we needed. Seungcheol had never heard of the place before so he was a bit wary about getting food from the place, but it turned out pretty quickly that he liked it and wanted to continue shopping there. It saved us a lot on our food bills, and that was the most important thing. For the price of the food he was getting for just himself - which usually consisted of instant noodles, rice, and the occasional vegetable - we were able to feed both of us proper meals.

On top of that, there was the matter of cleaning. Now, Seungcheol was always a pretty clean guy. He certainly wasn't dirty, although he was a bit messy at times. But he wasn't really the best at cleaning things to a high enough standard for my liking - or rather, what I was used to seeing at my parents' place - so I took on the role of deep-cleaning the entire house. Seungcheol went to work one day and came back to the entire place looking absolutely beautiful and although he said he felt really guilty that I had ended up essentially cleaning up after him, I felt incredibly achieved and as if it wasn't an issue in the slightest, so I suppose that it worked out really.

And when I say that I deep-cleaned, I really mean it. We're talking about everything from cleaning the dishes to steaming the carpets. Cheol had a habit of not changing the bedsheets enough, so I made sure to change them every single week on a Saturday, regardless of whether we were at work or not. The floors had been swept but not mopped in a while, so I made sure to mop them three times with bleach to bring up every last bit of dirt. All surfaces were disinfected - which was incredibly important to me, seeing as we had started off our time living together having sex on a lot of those surfaces and even if you try to keep things clean, you're at least going to have clammy finger marks on the surfaces - and then the laundry was all done.

On the note of laundry, actually, it surprised me to find that Seungcheol rarely washed anything when we first got together. He would wait until he had one pair of boxers and maybe a sock or two left clean before he would even consider doing laundry. It meant that it all piled up and any stains would be difficult to lift, and that bothered me a lot. So I made sure that everything was clean. Cheol came home from work to find a temporary washing line strung through our kitchen, with all of his underwear pinned up to dry. This was also the case in our bedroom, though I had put all of my clothes in there. The rest of the laundry had been done earlier in the day and was already folded up neatly in the relevant places.

Then there was the rubbish and recycling. I don't think that Cheol really considered the recycling before we got together, but I was absolutely insistent on it when we lived together. "In our local area, we have glass, paper and plastic recycling. There are also a few tin recycling points just outside of our local area, so one of us can always take it over once every so often. It doesn't cost anything to take some time and save our planet, you know," I told him. He tried to argue that it was a waste of time trying to separate things and learn whether they could or couldn't be recycled, but I firmly informed him that it was the one thing that I wasn't going to back down on when I was living under the same roof as him. It's a huge issue, as far as I'm concerned, and that's why I couldn't possibly allow him to be lazy. Funnily enough, he's still doing it automatically now, and that makes me feel great.

Saying all of this, though, our relationship was by no means unequal. Seungcheol taught me that if I thought I was so hungry that I could tear through the entire house, my best bet was to drink some water and see how it went. Nine times out of ten, it worked amazingly well and I managed to calm down the cravings with no problem at all. It was great to see that something so simple could stop me from feeling guilty about binge-eating later on down the line. In fact, we even started a water-drinking competition, in which we would both record how much water we'd drunk on an app. It meant that we were both keeping ourselves perfectly hydrated throughout the day and ensuring that we would curb any cravings before they really started, and that was something that I really did enjoy. It also showed through my skin, which was looking a lot nicer when I started taking care of my hydration levels. That's one thing that I've tried to keep up over the years too, although it can be hard sometimes.

Another thing he taught me is that feeling safe can sometimes be as simple as cuddling with the covers over our heads. Imagine that there's rain lashing outside - or you're playing an audio clip of a thunderstorm perhaps - and you cover yourselves and snuggle up close, where you can feel protected and warm. You have the skin contact with another person, you have the safety of the blankets, and you feel as if the world is sucking you into a safe realm. It gives this sense that nothing else can get you, and I really like that. I know that it doesn't always work for everyone, but that sort of thing really helped to calm me down when I was stressed. It diffused arguments, encouraged skin contact, and generally made for a comfortable night of just being together, if all else failed and the toll of retail was upon us.

Then there was the fact that perfection comes from imperfection. This one is a bit of a different one, I have to admit, but he really opened my eyes to the fact that not everything needs to be perfect. We woke up and his face was stubbly already and I have to admit, I really came to adore his morning stubble. Dare I say it, I might have actually loved it. When he made me breakfast in the mornings, it always looked like an absolute mess but I knew that it came from the heart. He simply wasn't the best at making meals look as if they were made by a professional, but I didn't care. I'm not sure whether it was the fallacy of rose goggles tinting my opinions, but I didn't even mind how sad the eggs looked on the plate and that he always used way too much butter on my toast, and that he couldn't fry mackerel to save his life and he always put a little bit too much water in the rice steamer. In a world where things aren't always done in the generally perfect way that you've come to expect from living with your parents, it was nice to be able to fall in love with the flaws of life.

Overall, it really felt like a positive change for us both. It was a situation where we were both happy to co-exist without having to worry about anything at all. The stresses that we once faced were slowly trickling away. There was no real need to concern ourselves with money, and we were more than happy with thirty-hour weeks at work. Cheol got the confidence to tell his parents that he was seeing a man and that he was a lot happier than he had been when he was living on his own, and they took it better than he imagined because they could see how happy he was. Our colleagues could see that we were both a lot better when we were together and whilst the suggestions to date were still there, it was clear that they were either playful or a suggestion that we worked well together and would be an even better couple. After all, we were able to go to social events and spend time with everyone again, and they loved seeing that change.

It actually meant that we weren't afraid to come out to them in the end. We waited until everyone was available to come to a local bar, and then we told them what was going on between us. "I suppose you're all already expecting this," Seungcheol started, "But Han and I have been dating for almost six months now, which was the main reason why we moved in together. We're glad that you've all been so good about everything, and we appreciate the support you've given us so far." It sounded more like a formal speech than anything, which a few of them teased him about, but they all seemed to be happy for us. Not one person seemed bothered, and I was especially pleased to find that Mingyu came over to hug and congratulate me once everyone started to chat with the people around them.

"Was he the one you wanted from the start? The one you were sort of seeing before we got together?" I gave a nod and Mingyu let out an exasperated laugh. "Hey! Now I seem like an asshole because he was the one who proposed for you to train me, then I come in and snatch his man away! I feel like such a dick now, Jeonghan - he was so nice to me whilst I was sleeping with the guy he had feelings for, and he didn't once tell me that I was stepping on his toes."  
"I don't think he minds that much, don't worry. Hey, Seungcheol?" I called out, turning towards him. Seungcheol turned his head towards me expectantly. I made sure to put on my most innocent face as I spoke to him, in hopes that it would earn me the answer I was looking for. "Did you hold it against Mingyu that we dated for that brief period? I mean, considering that he didn't know about us and that I ultimately ended up making the cutest couple ever by introducing him to Wonwoo as a romantic interest?"

It sounded like I was pushing him to give a particular answer, and I certainly was. Seungcheol gave the answer we were looking for, though; he said that he held it against me, rather than Mingyu, but he was happy to see that Mingyu had managed to find someone like Wonwoo, who seemed a bit like a hard-ass but was actually really sweet and gentle. Mingyu seemed happy that there were no hard feelings held against him, and then quickly followed it up by telling us that he and Wonwoo were considering moving in together too. It was something that he thought would either make or break their relationship, since he knew that Wonwoo hated mess and whilst he was a clean person, he was incredibly messy, but it was something that they would eventually have to face in their relationship so they were considering going for it. It was nice to chat with him about all of the challenges that we had faced as a couple since we moved in together too, and even better when he admitted that he was jealous of how cute we were as a couple.

It was true. I don't mean to blow my own trumpet, but it was true. Seungcheol and I made an amazing couple, and we deserved each other. We deserved a happy relationship, and we deserved to fall in love with each other. In fact, knowing that we were a great couple meant that I wasn't surprised at all when Seungcheol finally sat me down one day, looking all solemn, and then whispered that he loved me. I'm pretty sure that he had tried to say it out loud, rather than whispering it, but his voice had promptly failed him and left it sounding like a secret. He seemed to be rather shocked at the way his voice came out, but I reassured him right away that I loved him too. Well, that I _love_ him too. It's still very much alive, you see, even though we've faced a lot together since. I won't go into the details of that, but you'll hear more about the conditions behind our relationship later on down the line. The important thing is to return to the story and know that I love him more than I've ever loved another person.

It meant that we were strong back then. It meant that I could confidently shut down my parents' worries when they finally came to visit me. I met them in Seoul and took them back to our house once we had shared a coffee together. They reminded me, on the way, that it was still possible to change my mind and come home. If I didn't enjoy living with Seungcheol, they weren't going to think any less of me, and they were sure that if we really had something special, he would understand it if I needed more time. After all, they didn't know anything about his financial situation before we moved in together; they had anticipated that he would have more than just a tiny little house with two and a half rooms, and so it had come as a shock when they helped me to move into a space that was so small. Of course, they didn't tell me that that was why they were so bothered by it, but I knew it right away. You have a special way of knowing why your parents are bothered about your relationship and the fact that you've moved out of their house and in with another person.

But then they saw what I'd done with the place and their opinion changed right away. I had rearranged the furniture so that the place felt a lot more homely, and it was very clear that I had left a personal mark too. There was art on the walls and there were also a few potted plants dotted around the room. Everything was spotless and the sides were given a minimalistic touch, rather than being cluttered. I had replaced the novelty shower curtain with something cleaner and more dignified, and I also made sure that our bedroom was completely rearranged. From the direction that the bed was facing to the cabinets, everything had a feeling of order and it looked lived-in in the sense that there were clear signs of habitation, but not in the sense that it looked worn. I think they were impressed with the changes I had made - in fact, I was _certain_ that they were impressed with the changes, as they were unable to hide the shocked expressions that appeared on their faces as soon as we walked through the front door.

To begin with, they were completely silent as they looked around the place. I could feel my heart rising in my throat, despite the fact that I already knew that they were impressed with how I had changed the place up. They were only ever silent when they were happy with things - or amazed, on occasion - so I had nothing to worry about. Even so, it's intimidating to show off your work to your parents like that. It's a bit like when you're a child and you tidy your room after weeks of them nagging you. Finally, though, my mother turned to me and gave a smile. "So, have you tidied this up for us coming to visit, or have you straightened your man out somehow?" she asked playfully, and I immediately let out the breath that I'd been holding.

"I wouldn't necessarily say that I've straightened him out, but I've certainly taught him a few new things and got him to develop a few new habits," I told her before going on to discuss all of the changes that we had seen since I moved in with Seungcheol. I spoke about everything that came to mind on the spot until I had exhausted my mind. It still didn't feel like everything, but she was certainly impressed by the fact that I had gradually implemented changes that we could both take onboard. It was hard to change the habits of a man who was used to living on his own and pushing it to one side when he didn't feel like tackling a task. That much was certainly true. But it was also true that Choi Seungcheol was a gentleman and he was willing to change his bad habits in order to make things work. He wanted to go along with the things that I suggested so we could both feel comfortable, and I have to say, I really appreciated it more than I can describe.

"Are you planning on getting married soon or something?" my father asked with a smile. "It looks like you're pretty married already. You definitely have him trained better than your mother has me trained." She playfully thumped him on the arm and informed him that he made it sound as if wives had to train their husbands to help out with basic chores around the house, but I have to admit it - that _is_ something that seems to be the case for a lot of heterosexual relationships. Even now that social equality and a push for equal relationships are on the rise, it doesn't mean that women don't lead the cleaning in the household and men don't mind sitting to one side and let their wives get on with it. It's not something that I particularly like, but it's something that is still very much going strong in today's society.

But it doesn't mean that our relationship would ever be the same. For starters, we're both on level playing grounds and neither of us has an imaginary advantage over the other. Secondly, I'm not prepared to watch another man let me clean up after him. I like things to be clean, but I'm not going to clean up after a slob all of the time. Thirdly, it's the basic standard for an equal relationship in our generation. We both have to make our relationship work, so we both need to work on everything else. Communication, cleaning, bills, romance; everything comes down to us being a team. And if we were ever to marry or start a family - as much as I hated the thought of having children - we would need that sort of foundation to keep things going. It was a shame to see that our views still aren't commonplace in the older generations, but I suppose that that's the way things are run in other relationships and it's not up to me to complain about how other relationships work.

Anyway, I replied by telling him that we weren't planning on rushing things. After all, there wasn't a possibility of us marrying in Korea at that point in time, and we weren't going to go abroad to tie the knot either. As much as it was a huge stereotype - and unfortunately, a stereotype that holds some truth - of same-sex couples to rush their relationships, it just wasn't our style to do that same thing. We might have rushed into moving in together, but we had known each other for a while beforehand. We had had sex before we were officially a couple, but that was after eight months of us considering whether we actually wanted to start a relationship or not. We had shared a few drunken affairs, but it had never gone so far that we would end up regretting it in the morning. We weren't prepared to break the streak of taking it relatively slowly - even if our relationship didn't follow the steps in the expected order - by getting engaged or married after just six or seven months together.

It was a joke, I know, but it made me think about things quite a lot. Even when my parents left that evening, just before Cheol arrived home from work, I continued thinking about it all. About how things were working out, even if they weren't working out how I had expected them to work out at the start. It wasn't a big enough deal for me to bring it up with anyone and discuss why I felt the way I did, but it was something to which I dedicated a fair amount of time. Maybe it was a sign that things were going to be fine, despite my early fears and anxiety, seeing as we were working on the philosophy that there was no need to rush something that we wanted to last forever.


	22. Chapter 22

A lot happened over the next few months.

In the first year of our relationship, the number of arguments we had was minuscule. If you asked me what our last argument was about on any given day, I probably wouldn't remember unless it was something that had happened the night before. The themes of our arguments were mostly things like Seungcheol leaving unwashed plates on the table instead of putting them in the sink - I had made a rule that if it wasn't in the pile, I wasn't going to wash it, so it was a big theme for tension at the start - and my need for everything to be perfect all the time. "I'm sure you can go one extra night without bleaching the house," Seungcheol told me one evening, after he had planned out a date night for us at a restaurant, "We hardly ever have the time or energy to go out together so I want to take advantage of it, but you're being stubborn about this. The house will still be here in the morning." In the end, he offered to help me clean it extra well the following morning, and so I gave in and went on the date with him.

Those were the only real arguments, you see. Petty little things that lasted for an hour at most. The sorts to frustrate us but never make one of us cry or anything. Sometimes one of us would get too passionate about something and raise our voice, but it was only the occasional time where it happened and we always made sure to apologise afterwards. On top of that, the aftermath of the arguments was always healthy. Seungcheol had his shit together and knew that sex as an apology was useless and often problematic, so he always had something up his sleeve to make sure that we could handle everything in a healthy manner. A trip to the cinema or meal out, if we could afford it that month. Walking out to a nearby field and watching the stars. Watching the movie that we had been meaning to watch for weeks, or taking a bath together. Just the little things that would bring us closer together and encourage us to appreciate every moment we had together as a couple.

And I liked it that way. I really did. You don't know how great that sort of thing is until you experience it; a relationship where neither person tries to humiliate or put their partner down during arguments, and a good way to bring you back together once everything has calmed down. It's something that I've had to deal with in the past - boyfriends who decide that if you're going to argue, they're going to try their hardest to "win". There's no winning in these sorts of things, though. Digging into the past and hitting low is the sort of thing that'll ultimately break your relationship and leave you unable to trust each other, and then it's on the head of the person who can't argue without making their partner feel like complete and utter trash. At least this way, we could get our points across and make sure that the argument never happened again. I recommend it to any other couple, and I've even recommended it to my friends over the years. It's a little something that makes things flow that bit smoother when it's perfectly normal for two adults, living within a close range of each other, would argue occasionally.

The approach to the arguments wasn't the only new thing, obviously. For starters, Jisoo got promoted. He became a shop floor manager, and was supposed to drift between the collection point and the warehouse so that we would all be able to have that additional support. He did all of the little tasks, like searching for missing items on the shelves and making sure that all of the damages and returns were done by the end of the day. It's the sort of thing that piles up, as you can imagine, but he was on top of it constantly. There was never a day when he didn't have a solution to a problem. Items didn't appear on the returned items list? He had a way to sort it out so the item wasn't left lingering there for the rest of the week. One item was way too big to fit into the damaged item cage? He managed to get it crammed into one of its own by the end of the day and made sure that it was sent back to the main warehouse right away, so that the risk of it toppling or getting in the way was significantly reduced. I have to admit, I really was proud of his achievements and the fact that he got there on his own. I think that the promotion was well-deserved and that it really brought a new perspective to the team.

Then there was the fact that Seungcheol's parents wanted to meet me. Seungcheol wasn't really out to them at the start of our relationship, but it's a lot harder to hide that sort of thing when you're living together and have been dating for almost a year. So he ended up simply telling them that he was seeing me and that whilst he didn't usually choose male partners, he couldn't deny that he had fallen for me hard. He told them that I had been compassionate towards him in a time of need, and then one thing lead to another over the following months. He described me as his "exception to the rule" and my heart instantly melted. His parents couldn't see the loved-up smile that he was giving me, since he told them on a phone call, but I could see the pure adoration plastered on his face. Now, what he told them wasn't quite accurate - he has dated a variety of different people and I wasn't the first man he has loved - but it was the best way to tell them without them assuming that he was always into guys. As much as it might have been true, a lot of parents prefer to think of same-sex relationships as a happy mistake around here, and Seungcheol wanted to keep it that way.

I didn't end up meeting them in the first year of our relationship, but I was happy enough knowing that they knew about me. That they weren't bothered by the fact that their son was dating a man because he was happy. He loved me enough to agree to let me move in with him, and that had proved to be a great decision. It wasn't as if we were just staying together because we were essentially roommates by that point and we felt as if we needed to be a couple. They knew that their son genuinely enjoyed having me around the house and I enjoyed being with him, and that our relationship was something that was blossoming as well as it would have done if I was a woman.

The final big change in our lives in the first year of our relationship was in Mingyu. We both felt a sense of responsibility for him, to a degree, and so we were concerned when we realised that things weren't going all too well for him. Seungcheol was actually the first person to notice it, surprisingly enough. He wasn't quite taking care of his health as much as he should have done, and so he was constantly in a state where he wasn't feeling great. Of course, he was still keeping up with his shots of insulin and trying his best to monitor his sugars during the day, but we all started to notice some concerning peaks and troughs in his health. At the start of the day, he would be excited to get on with the work day, but he would be acting almost drunk by the time we got to midday. One time, we even had a customer complaint about how he was drunk at work - paired with slurred speech and stumbling - and so Seungcheol had to sit him in the office with some food to get his sugars back up. He gave us permission to tell the customer that it was health-related and we could assure her that he wasn't drunk at work, and then he promised to take better care of it in the future.

It was a pretty scary time, but we quickly found that it was because of how heavy his university course was. You know how it can be when you're at university. So many things to do, but so little time to complete all of the necessary tasks alongside a part-time job and other adult responsibilities. He was sometimes forgetting to eat, sometimes forgetting to inject. His sugars were dropping as a result of stress and a lack of proper nutrition - something that he warned us about soon after his first attack at work - and he just felt awful about the fact that he was putting so much pressure on us. Interestingly, though, it was Jisoo who stepped up and decided that he would sort it out for Mingyu. "Would you mind if I put a note above the computer for you?" he asked one day. Mingyu said that it was fine and that all of our colleagues knew about his diabetes at that point, and so Jisoo attached a chart where he would see it. The first point was "breakfast", the second was "snack", then "lunch", "snack", and "dinner". He was to cross off each one that he had during the day, even if that meal was outside of work, and he wasn't allowed to miss any of them off. If he was working, one of the managers would cover him for ten or fifteen minutes so that he could get his meal. It was non-negotiable and all of the managers were in on the agreement without any question at all.

Admittedly, it did help a lot. It helped him to take better control of his health, and it only took around a month for him to finally get to grips with the system. Seven forty-five, he would have his breakfast. He would have two biscuits at around ten o'clock and lunch at quarter past twelve. Another snack at around three o'clock, and then dinner at half past six. That was the way it was every day; it became a habit and we watched as his health gradually started to get better. Much fewer attacks in the workplace, and much fewer incidents where he could feel one starting to happen. That was another thing that made Jisoo a great manager, see - he knew how to help people like Mingyu and get them back on track. In the end, the chart stopped being necessary but they kept it in the warehouse until Mingyu eventually moved on from the place, just after he graduated. He enjoyed seeing it there and marking off his progress during the day, and it also proved as a trusty tool to help us to help him. If he was busy and didn't notice the time, we would tell him so that he would be able to get his meals on time.

But enough of the future of this story and more of the timeline that we've been following. For the most part, he managed to keep it regulated, but there was still one occasion in which everything went completely wrong. His blood sugar dropped without warning one day and he didn't notice, since the shop floor was too busy and he didn't really have the time to keep up with his food. No one remembered to tell him either, which meant that he went without both a meal and a snack. Next thing, I was receiving a phone call on my day off to ask if I could come into work for a few hours. "I'm really sorry to have to ask you," Jihoon told me, "But Mingyu is unwell and he can't continue with the shift." Of course, I was incredibly worried about him. As much as he was my ex-boyfriend, he was primarily one of my close friends, and so I made sure to ask what the problem was. Jihoon hesitated for a moment on the other end of the phone. "I'm not allowed to disclose that over the phone, but I'm sure that he'll still be here if you get here quickly enough. It's not a pretty sight, though, so you're welcome to wait outside with Minghao if you're not comfortable with seeing him unwell."

If I were to pretend that I didn't sprint over there as quickly as possible, I would be lying. I had to see what was wrong; the thought of not being there to make sure that he was safe was killing me. I saw that the customers were all outside, whilst Minghao was guarding the door and the other managers were inside the building with Mingyu and a lady. Mingyu was on the floor with a rolled-up towel underneath his head and the lady to one side of him. Seungcheol was stood nearby with the woman's infant in his arms, trying his hardest to keep the baby calm whilst her mother was looking after Mingyu. An ambulance had turned up, confirming my fear that it was significantly worse than everything else that he had experienced at work. I couldn't see exactly what was happening until I made my way over, but it was hard to tell whether I would have preferred not to know. As Jihoon pointed out, it wasn't an image I really wanted to see. I could feel my stomach twisting as I made my way in and straight over to them, where my colleagues' eyes instantly snapped over to me. The discomfort was obvious on their faces, and that only served to make my stomach lurch even more, especially when they tried to put on brave faces to greet me.

"What happened?" I asked quietly. It was clear that they weren't going to tell me to start with, but they noticed the worry on my face and seemingly decided pretty quickly that it was best to just go ahead and let me know what had happened to him. "His sugars dropped again, and so he passed out then had a seizure," Seungcheol told me quietly. "One of the customers just happened to be a doctor, so she stayed in here to help him whilst we got the other customers out of the store. It was just lucky that we had someone else here to help us; none of the first aiders would have been able to help him so efficiently or know exactly what to tell the emergency services. We're lucky that she was happy to help us." He proceeded to go through the details with me, telling me about how things had progressed and what we needed to look out for in the future. Apparently, she guessed that he was diabetic as soon as he had dropped, since she had seen that sort of attack before, and so it was an easier fix than the fumbling of someone from first aid. She also performed a secondary survey on him - a pat-down of his body - to make sure that there was no bleeding or signs of broken bones but thankfully, it appeared that he had landed on his shoulder first, which was badly bruised during the fall.

Once his seizure had finished, the paramedics were a lot more comfortable with moving him. Between them, they managed to get him out to the ambulance and straight inside. We made sure to thank the customer who had helped before getting ourselves ready to continue with the shift. Quite reluctantly, Seungcheol handed the baby back to her mother, and then we proceeded to go back into the warehouse so that we could start with business again. I supposed that the baby was providing that bit of comfort for him, which was understandable; after all, he could take his attention away from the scene and focus on the child's wellbeing for a while Noting that, the store manager _did_ invite us to have a little while to ourselves in order to get over what happened, but we decided right away that it was best to simply get back to work so that we could get it off our minds. So that was what we did. Thrust ourselves right back into serving customers. The rest of the day was spent with most of us being a lot quieter than usual, and the discomfort was still there on the faces of my colleagues. I supposed that a few of them would have not only helped him when he was seizing but would have also seen it happen, so it was no surprise that they were so bothered by it all.

Unsurprisingly, the topic of conversation was skirted around when Seungcheol and I were on the way home from work together. We started out the journey in complete silence, as I didn't want to push for conversation after a tough day, but then Seungcheol proceeded to turn towards me and bring up a different aspect of the experience. A reflection of sorts, but not one that required him to think about what had happened to Mingyu directly. "That baby was really cute, you know. She kept grabbing my face with her little hands." His eyes then drifted to the path in front of us and he squeezed my hand a little bit tighter in his palm. "You know, I've always wanted to be a father, but I always thought that I would be rubbish with babies. I've never held one before." I glanced over at him. He looked embarrassed about it all, and I couldn't help but smile warmly in response.

"She seemed to like you earlier. She wasn't crying, even though her mommy wasn't giving her attention." He hesitated for a moment before looking back up at me and giving a shy smile.  
"You think so? I really hope that she didn't dislike me or anything. I guess I was taking her away from someone she knew and loved so it was hard, even if she _didn't_ cry." He looked so nervous and my heart melted instantly. Despite the fact that I didn't like kids at all and I couldn't think of anything worse than to have a child in the future, I couldn't help but fall in love with Seungcheol that little bit more. He was so worried that a non-verbal child - one who he probably wouldn't ever see again - disliked him, and it was the cutest thing that I could have seen from a grown man. I held his hand a little bit tighter as we continued to walk together, just to let him know that I loved seeing that side of him.

Now, I'll add just now that Mingyu recovered well and that was the last attack that he had at work. He started taking control of his health a lot better, using the chart properly and all, and his health gradually improved over time. I just thought that it would be best to add that in case you started to worry about him, or in case you were concerned that I was moving on from that topic too quickly.

After that event, I gradually started to see Seungcheol coming onto the shop floor more. He was a lot more comfortable with interacting with parents, especially those who were buying gifts for their children. Occasionally, you would get a parent who sent their child over to collect their own toy, and you would have to stamp their receipt and try to help them to take both the receipt and toy. It was especially cute when they picked a toy that was huge but light and tried their hardest to carry it out of the shop. I have to admit, even though I didn't like kids in the slightest, that sort of thing made the job enjoyable. You can dislike kids but still enjoy interacting with them in retail - when they're quiet but energetic, of course - and that was exactly what I experienced a lot of the time.

Seungcheol started to use it as an opportunity to speak with the parents a lot more, though. He would have a chat about the infants that they were holding in their arms, or about the small child who was clinging to their leg. "Did you just finish school?" he would ask the ones who were still wearing their uniforms. Sometimes he would be faced with a child who would chew his ear off, talking about everything that they did at school that day, but other times, he would simply be faced with a little nod from a kid who was trying their hardest to hide behind their parent. His attention would then turn to the parent and he would ask them how their day had been - whether they had been busy or had the chance to relax whilst their kid was out of the house. Sometimes, they would even let him hold their baby and he would coo over how adorable they were, with chubby cheeks and soft black hair on the top of their head. A lot of them would keep their eyes closed whilst he held them, but you would always know when they looked at him. He would light up immediately and tell the mother that their baby was beautiful, before telling them that he only hoped to have a baby that cute in the future.

But then one of our colleagues got pregnant and the _conversational_ topic of children began to turn into something more prominent. It became increasingly obvious to me that Seungcheol loved being around children; loved working with them and spending the time chatting with them whenever he had the chance to do that. Now that he knew that he wasn't hated by children and he could confidently hold a baby without them crying as soon as they were out of their mother's arms, he felt a lot better about bringing the topic up with me. It was strategic, I had to admit, but it was also pretty uncomfortable. After all, no matter how cute it was to see him interacting with children, filled with smiles and warmth, I still didn't want to have any and that wasn't going to change. It was something that I had decided on years before I met Seungcheol, and it was the only thing that wasn't going to budge.

"Han?" he would say quietly when we were cuddling. "What do you think about kids?" I knew right away that it was going to lead to him mentioning how much he wanted kids in the future, and my heart sunk in my chest.   
"Oh, I think they're pretty cool," I told him, keeping my eyes on my book. "I'm not too fond of the fact that they're relatively dependent on their carer, though. You know, even when they grow up and turn into adults, they still turn to their caregiver to give them the answers to everything. And don't get me wrong, that's not always a problem, but I don't want to be that person who isn't right and who ends up having to live with the consequences of being wrong like that. Does that make sense?"

I watched as his smile faded and that only served to make me feel worse about everything. "I'm guessing you wouldn't want to have children with me in the future, then? Even if they were to look like a mini version of me or you?" I shrugged. My throat went completely dry, leaving me unable to speak. I didn't know what I would have said even if I _could_ speak, though. What could I say in response to that?   
"Oh, no. I would never have a child with you," would have seemed unreasonably harsh and would ultimately end up making Seungcheol feel bad. And as much as I really didn't want to have kids, I wasn't going to put him in that position where he felt uncomfortable. So I tried my hardest to make my voice work again before finally squeaking out a little, "I suppose there's always the chance that I might change my mind in the future, but I don't think I'm ready to start a family right now."

Seemingly, that made him feel a bit better. The carefully peppered "right now" made it seem as if it was just for the moment; just a temporary decision that was subject to change. It made him feel as if there was some sort of hope; as if I was going to decide that, after a few more years of being together, the most logical next step would be for Cheol and I to start a family together. I wasn't going to take that hope away from him, at least not at that moment in time. It would have been too harsh to simply shut him down when he was already obviously feeling a bit fragile about my reaction, and so I simply cuddled close to him and allowed the topic of conversation to switch onto something that we could both happily talk about without having to worry about the other person having vastly differing opinions on the topic.

As you can imagine, though, it wasn't brushed completely under the rug. You can't just brush this sort of thing away when it's related to something that's happening in one of your daily environments. The colleague who was pregnant was the sort of person to advertise it constantly. Her shirt was tight so that after a few months, it would become increasingly obvious to the other members of staff and customers alike that she was carrying. She would constantly touch or hold her stomach. She would ask the pickers to put the items on the counter for her so that she didn't have to pick anything up. Even if it wasn't all that heavy, she "didn't want to risk it". On top of that, she always made a point of addressing her "baby brain" and "cravings" whenever someone spoke to her about anything.

You couldn't avoid it if you tried. Even if the topic wasn't related to babies, she would find a way to bring it up. Which was fine for the colleagues who were actually interested in finding out about the progress of her pregnancy and how her body was changing, but not so fun for the rest of us. I must have caught Wonwoo and Junhui rolling their eyes at her insistent chatter about children on at least fifty occasions, and Jihoon found every excuse to avoid talking to her because he knew exactly what was going to come up in conversation. Soonyoung and Seungcheol in particular, though, were more than happy to sit there with her and let her get it all out. The fact that she was getting stretch marks already, the fact that her breasts were swollen and sore, the way that she would get overly emotional if her husband did anything particularly sweet for her. The details that every mother can describe to you in almost the exact same way, but the ones that the obsessive mothers will make sound as if they're the only person in the world to have ever experienced that sort of thing.

I have to admit, it made me uncomfortable. It meant that children were always on my mind when she was around; that I started to associate work and children together. I knew that it was all I'd hear about from the minute I walked into the building to the minute I walked out. Baby, baby, baby. If anything, it served to make me feel even less enthusiastic about the prospect of having a family. It gave me this sense that it would swamp my entire life and I wouldn't be able to think about anything other than my child, if I was to have one. I wasn't all too enthusiastic about losing a piece of myself to that sort of life, and so I made a very firm decision in the back of my mind that I wasn't going to have children.

And if Seungcheol was going to insist that we needed to have a family together, I was going to have to let him go. There were plenty of other people in the world who would be happy to give him a family and whilst relationships are about compromise, I didn't really think that it applied to our case. Compromise is about buying your towels from an expensive shop, even though you're against the price, because your partner can't stand the scratchiness of regular towels. Compromise isn't about thrusting yourself into a lifetime of having to look after and financially support another human being when you don't even like them, which subsequently makes your life miserable. See "We Need to Talk About Kevin" for more.

I just hoped that it wouldn't get to that point. You never want to see your relationship break down because of a disagreement over a major life change. Especially when you're doing so well otherwise. You're living together, you have a healthy sex life, and your romance is peaking. You know that you would be happy if you spent the rest of your life with that person, but the disagreement over that life change is the only thing that's causing problems. So you decide that it's fairer if you see other people. That was the last thing I wanted to happen to Seungcheol and I, and so I tried my hardest to push away the topic of children until I was ready to discuss them properly. That conversation wasn't going to happen for another few years, I determined; at least not until we were more stable financially and as adults.


	23. Chapter 23

The difficult thing about having a relationship with someone who doesn't share the same goals as yourself is that it's not finished when you say that the conversation is finished. It's not finished at all. You know that it's lying underneath the covers, waiting to emerge again at any given point in time. It's the sort of thing that will creep up on you, and then you'll be forced to deal with the same arguments all over again, but more intense this time. You're annoyed that they're bringing that sort of thing up again, after you explicitly told them that you didn't want to hear any more about it, and they're distressed that you don't want to talk about something that means a lot to them, which will ultimately allow you both to clear the air. It's a hard one, you know, and I absolutely loathe it.

But you can't say much to them about it. You can't tell them how much you hate it because you already said that you just need time. You tried to be gentle on them - rejecting them in a way that wasn't going to crush their heart - but it ultimately failed because now they're expecting that you're open to changing your mind. And I wasn't. I didn't want to have children and that was a fact. Not a negotiation, not a compromise. A plan, simple fact. I would even go so far as to say that I would rather be single for the rest of my life than forced to have a child with someone and pretend to be happy when I wasn't happy in the slightest. It probably comes across as being dramatic or rude, but I would much sooner regret not having children than regret having them.

As you can imagine, though, this exact situation was very much alive between Seungcheol and I. Although he tried his hardest not to talk about having children in front of me, I could see his eyes wandering whenever we were together. He would see a parent with a child and he would stare longingly; envious of everything that they had. I could see the look of defeat on his face; the disappointment that I wasn't on board with the idea of having that same family that those people had. I tried not to let it bother me, even though it certainly did. Then he started coming out onto the shop floor more, desperate to interact with more people. He wanted to be away from the warehouse for five minutes, which I completely understood, but that time away often consisted of him chatting with parents for longer than necessary. It was clear that he just wanted to feel like a part of their world - as if he was in that situation for just five minutes - but it irritated me more than I care to admit. It shouldn't have done, and I'll give him that, but I just hated the fact that I had to watch him chatting with people so _desperately,_ as if the envy was slowly consuming him.

Then it started to creep into the bedroom. We would have pushed it all behind us by the time we got home, and we would make up for the fact that we were stressed by tumbling into bed together. That part of our relationship was still very much alive, and it was resistant to the stresses of the workplace. That was something I _did_ appreciate until Seungcheol started to show hints that he was going to bring up the family thing again. "I wanna do it without a condom tonight," he purred into my ear one night. It sounded like a great idea. Whilst I had done that sort of thing with Mingyu, Seungcheol and I always made sure to be careful. This was a new step in our relationship and I loved it. Of course, I didn't put two and two together to start with - it was just something that was a bit lewd but still hot, seeing as it was a sign that we had been building up our relationship well enough to do that sort of thing without any form of protection. It was a sign that we were committed and that we trusted each other a lot, and I really appreciated that. So I let him do it, drowning in the scent of bodies mixing together. 

It's a different experience entirely, I have to admit. I'm not going to give too many details on this sort of thing - after all, our story is less about the physical relationship that we had and more about the ways we loved each other - but the constant skin contact is something that feels less synthetic. It's almost animalistic in nature, as if you simply can't get enough of each other and just have to be touching each other at all times. It almost takes you back to the early days in your relationship, where you're not sated until you've had hours of romping until your bodies can't take it anymore. And then there was the piercing. That damn piercing. It drove me wild and left me wanting more. If he took me from behind, I could feel it rubbing my sweetest spots, and that was enough to tip me over the edge pretty damn quickly. And then he kept going, and my body could hardly hold itself up as it anticipated its prize.

It actually only clicked that it was still related to the baby thing when Seungcheol flipped me onto my back and put us into a pretty uncomfortable position. His knees were under my lower back, keeping my hips up as he cuddled against my chest. I considered telling him how uncomfortable it was to have my hips elevated like that, but then it suddenly clicked and my stomach lurched.

"Isn't this what people do when they're trying to get pregnant?" I asked him blandly. Of course, I already knew the answer and so did he. There was no way that he could deny it. So I moved away from him and sat as far away as I could whilst still remaining on the bed, making sure to show him how disappointed I was by glaring at him. Seungcheol looked guilty; there was no denying it. He expected that I wouldn't catch on to that sort of thing - as if I knew nothing about the process of having children or getting pregnant. He seemed to think that I had only just been born myself, or that I was just completely oblivious to the world around me. And I couldn't stand that. It absolutely infuriated me that he would try to include something like that into something that was usually a way for us both to relax. So I ended up blowing up at him.

"What makes you think that that's acceptable after I _told_ you that I'm not ready to talk about babies?"  
"It's not _talking_ about them, Jeonghan. It's just a fantasy - one that doesn't require you to really be involved at all."  
"But I _am_ involved!" I snapped, tossing the nearest pillow at him with force. He failed to catch it, but it wasn't quite hard enough to push him back. I regretted not outright smacking him with it. "I'm a player in this stupid game! You decided that I was a player when you put your peni--"  
 _"Hey,"_ he replied harshly. His tone was laced with a bitterness. I had touched a sore spot right away, either by referring to the game or the act itself. Perhaps it was too real for him when I put it like that. Perhaps he couldn't deny it.

"You know I didn't mean any harm. I've been trying my hardest to avoid mentioning it, but you know how much I want to have a family in the future. And I'm not going to pretend that I don't, just because you don't like children. I just want to imagine it for five minutes, but you're not letting me even _imagine_ what it's like to raise a family with you. And I know it'll never happen, but--"  
"Damn fucking _right_ it'll never happen." His face was unreadable. I hadn't meant to interject with something so harsh, but I couldn't take it back. To do so would be to end the fight early, and I wasn't ready to do that. Even so, I almost - _almost_ \- apologised when I saw how hard the blow had hit him. It was a bloody lip in a fight scene; an unexpected smack to the face that left his cheek painted rouge. The worst part was that he suddenly seemed calm.  
"--but I don't think you realise the significance of wanting a family with you."

By the end, his voice grew weak. It was as if he had completely given up, having realised that my mind wasn't going to change. I stayed silent, considering whether to get up and put my clothes back on. After a minute, I figured that it would only stir things even more, and so I stayed still, breathlessly anticipating his next move.

"I'm getting older, Jeonghan," he announced, "You seem to forget that I'm four years older than you. And whilst you might not want children at twenty-three years old, I certainly want them at twenty-seven." I stared at him in silence. The answer seemed so obvious, but he didn't seem to get it at all. Instead, he was acting as if it was now or never.  
"What if we wait until I'm your age and see whether I want them then?" Whilst I was expecting him to accept it and drop the argument, Seungcheol simply gave an exasperated laugh and rubbed his face with his hands.  
"You don't get it. I've always dreamed of having four children. Three sons and one daughter. When you're twenty-seven, I'll be thirty-one. It'll take around another full year to have a child, which takes me to thirty-two. We wouldn't want to have children back on back, so we're looking at around two to four years between each one.

"If we're looking at minimum times, I'll be thirty-eight when the fourth child is born, and at most I'll be forty-four. So, by the time our youngest goes to university, I'll be between fifty-seven and sixty-three. If they fall in love at university, they might marry by the time they're twenty-four, at which time I'll be between sixty-two and sixty-eight, but that's not guaranteed. I'll ultimately be too old to run around and play with our grandkids, though. Maybe the older ones will have memories of their grandpa, but how about the others? Would it be fair on them?" I grew silent right away. I had finished arguing with him. It told me that we were incompatible, and that was what I had feared the most. Whilst I didn't want to have children in case I regretted having them, Seungcheol wanted to have them because he knew that he would regret _not_ having them. That simple fact set us worlds apart.

"I just can't imagine my future without a few children around the house," Seungcheol finally told me. From the slight crack in his voice, I could sense that he was about to cry. But I couldn't help myself. I had to know what that meant for us - whether it meant that we were safe, or that we had to end what we had.  
"Can you imagine your future without me?" I hadn't meant it maliciously. I was genuinely asking him, aside from everything that we had been discussing. But it was ill-timed and inappropriate. His lower lip quivered slightly. I knew that I had said something wrong. I knew that I should have just kept my mouth shut. But the damage was done, and Seungcheol was getting off the bed.  
"I think we need a few days apart," he said firmly but not harshly. My heart clenched in my chest at the sound of him giving up. I had won the argument, but at what cost? Leaving Seungcheol feeling absolutely worthless?

I picked up my clothes from the floor and put them straight back on, without taking the time to even consider having a wash before I left. My skin was still slick with sweat, which made it a hard task, but I wasn't trying to look perfect. I was trying to get out of the house as soon as possible so that I didn't aggravate the situation any more than needed. I snatched up my phone, which had fallen onto the bed whilst Seungcheol was undressing me, then opened the wardrobe, snatched out a couple of shirts, some clean underwear and some jeans, and promptly left the house without another word. And then I started walking. I knew exactly where I was going, so I didn't even bother to watch where I was walking. My eyes remained on the ground for the most part, only ever raising at crossings. Other than that, I relied exclusively on my feet to take me to the one place where I knew I wouldn't be judged. The one place that provided me unconditional safety, despite all of the stupid mistakes that I had made that day. The one place where I could cry and be comforted without the "I told you so"s and "this is why you don't rush into relationships".

I felt completely fine until I knocked on the door. Sad, but nothing more than that. No urge to cry, and no need to have an emotional outburst. But that all completely changed when I saw my best friend standing there in the doorway. He was already in his pyjamas with his phone in his hand, looking confused. Naturally, he would be confused. After all, it was around ten o'clock at night and he wasn't expecting visitors. I hadn't even called to say that I was going to see him. But that confusion quickly turned to surprise when I burst into tears with my arms at my side, looking like a toddler who had been scolded for doing something that they knew they shouldn't have done in the first place. That was essentially the essence of why I was there anyway, I suppose. I said things that I shouldn't have said, and my boyfriend asked me to leave because of that.

"I'll call you back tomorrow," Jisoo hurriedly spoke into his phone before hanging up his phone call and stuffing it into his pocket. Then he grabbed my hands and pulled me into the house before shutting the door behind me. "Sweetheart, what happened? Do you want me to get some warm cocoa and snacks so that we can have a proper chat?" I gave a nod without even trying to stop the tears, so he took me through to his kitchen and sat me down at the table as he searched for all of the things he needed. Cocoa powder, sugar, hot water, milk, whipped cream and sprinkles. Then he looked at me and hesitated, his eyes narrowing slightly. "Have you eaten dinner?" I shook my head. "Should I order a few pizzas, then make us up some ice cream? Or are you in a fried chicken and cake sort of mood?"  
"Both," I replied, just about managing to get the words out without sounding like an infant.  
"Both it is, then."

I've never seen a boy work so fast in my life. He was on top of it, making sure that we had everything ordered. First, a call to the nearest pizza place. "Could I get, uh..." He paused for a minute and moved the phone away from his ear to talk to me. "Bulgogi? Wedges?" I nodded. He moved the phone back to his ear. "Could I get a large bulgogi pizza and a large wedge pizza please? Oh, and eight mozzarella sticks plus two choux cream desserts please?" Once the order was placed, he called up a chicken place and asked for both crispy and spicy chicken. Then he finished it off by continuing with his task of making hot cocoa.

It had given me enough time to get all of the tears out, admittedly. Jisoo had his ways of making it so that I have the chance to get it out without him interrupting or trying to force me to get it over and done with quicker. By the time he had finished making the cocoa and had brought it over to the table, I was wiping my face with my sleeve. He took the seat next to me, rather than opposite, and took one of my hands into his own. "Do you want to tell me what happened? Was it an argument with Seungcheol?" He knew me too well. I resisted the urge to start crying again, instead opting to simply give a nod. Jisoo gave a sigh and squeezed my hand in his own. His eyes locked on mine in a way that was neither pitiful nor blaming, and I tried my hardest to force a smile.

"Jeonghan, you know I love you, right?" he asked. I nodded again, still not feeling up to talking out loud yet. "And that I support you more than anything, even though I've known Seungcheol longer?" Again, I nodded, but this time I wasn't all too sure where the conversation was going. Usually, when people said that sort of thing, they're about to say something against you. Something along the lines of, "But you have to see it from my point of view," or, "You have to understand that every couple has their problems." I was anticipating it after he said that, even though I knew that he wasn't like that. Of course, he just shook his head slightly and let his eyes drop down into his lap. "I'm a bit concerned about your relationship, really. Of course, all couples do have their arguments, sometimes over important issues and other times over things that aren't worth arguing over, but I'm bothered about the fact that he made you cry. That's a big thing, as far as I'm concerned. Arguments should be resolved without either party crying, if possible."

"I made myself cry," I told him before he could continue. For a second, Jisoo looked like the breath had been sucked out of his body. His face was plastered with a look of surprise, as if he hadn't been expecting that sort of response from me. It was clear that he wanted to know more right away - he wasn't prepared to take what I said at face value, even if I insisted that it was my fault. "It was because I said something really cruel to him and he told me that we were going to spend a few days apart and I... I didn't want to continue arguing with him. I wasn't angry with him anymore, I just spoke without thinking and I ruined everything, and I..." I had to stop to take a deep breath. It had all come out in a long string, as if Jisoo had taken hold of the rope that had been knotting in the pit of my stomach and was pulling it out of my mouth. And it felt like that too. My throat felt burnt as I told him. It felt as if the words were cursing me on their way out; cursing me for the way I acted and making sure that I felt every single bit of guilt.

Jisoo started to stroke my hands with his thumbs. His eyes were on my face, inviting me to share the warmth that he was offering. Even when I told him what I'd done, he didn't judge me. He simply listened as it all poured out. I began at the start of the story, telling him about the fact that I didn't want children but Seungcheol really did, and continued through to the argument. I told him that I thought we were over it when we had sex that night, but it obviously wasn't the case. Then I flipped without even giving him the chance to explain his reasoning, having already decided that I didn't want his side to the story. I didn't need it, or so I thought. It was my way or no way. We weren't having children and he would have to get over it, or else I would leave him. Taking a step back, I realised how cruel it must have seemed; how immature I must have been to throw my toys out of the pram.

After all, his actions after the sex had been innocent. He hadn't meant them to be malicious. It was a fantasy for him to have a family with me, but we both knew that I couldn't get pregnant. We both knew that there was no chance of that happening, even if I _did_ keep my hips up. I should have just left it; I should have ignored the fact that he was encouraging that position by putting his knees under my back when it wasn't hurting either of us. Whilst I wouldn't admit that sort of thing to Seungcheol himself, out of fear that he would react smugly, I had no problem with telling Jisoo about it. I knew that he would tell me that I was in the wrong otherwise, of course, and so it was just better for both of us if I just confessed it right away.

You see, the beauty of my relationship with Jisoo is that he loves me enough to tell me when I'm in the wrong and vice versa. If your friends always support you, even though you both know that you're in the wrong, they're not really your friends. They're enablers. You should love your friends enough to tell them when they're doing something bad. And whilst it might sting to start with, it certainly makes things easier in the long-run. You appreciate it a lot more - it forces you to change when you accept that you're not always perfect. Over the years, Jisoo has called me out on a lot of things, from snapping at my mom when she was just trying to help me, to straight-up cheating when I was in a relationship with a boy but romantically attached to someone else. Likewise, I've done that same sort of thing for him. It's the real sign of love, and I never want that sort of thing to change.

It grounded me. By the time the pizza and chicken arrived, we were starting to plan everything out together. How was I going to apologise to Seungcheol? I would do it face-to-face and make it about his feelings, rather than about me. I would make sure to tell him that I loved him, and that his feelings mattered a lot to me. We would sit down, if he was ready, and have a discussion about babies and children, in which I told him exactly why I didn't want to have a family and how our family was complete without them. Then he would have the chance to do the same thing. Not convincing each other, but explaining. That was the best way to do it, Jisoo said; it allowed us to say what we needed to say in a way that would leave us both feeling arguably better about the situation that we were in.

How would we make sure that that sort of thing never happened again? We would discuss our hard and soft limits with each other. I didn't mind him pretending that he was fertilising me as much as I made it out by reacting in that sort of way. It was actually pretty sexy to think that he was trying to fertilise me in a raw, animalistic manner. There was no risk of pregnancy; only a fantasy that we were trying to get pregnant. I did, however, think that playing pregnant was a bad idea and I wasn't going to let it go that far. After all, the thought of actually carrying a child was something that made me anxious. I'm not a woman, after all, but so many men had treated me like a woman because of my effeminate appearance when I was young, so it was something that I really hated. And sure enough, Seungcheol would have his own limits. There were certainly things that I knew he didn't like before we discussed it together, and so it was something that we could discuss further together so that we would have a proper appreciation for everything we were going through.

Next, Jisoo suggested coming to a sort of compromise. Not in the sense that one of us would outright agree to have a child or not for the rest of our lives, but in the sense that we would find something to occupy our thoughts. Perhaps we would offer to look after a friend or family member's child for a few hours so that we would know how it felt to be a parent for a little bit of time. That way, I could see if I liked it and Seungcheol could see if he didn't, and we could give the child back at the end of the day. Or perhaps we could adopt a pet together. It would be moving quite fast, seeing as it was quite a big commitment to have a pet around the house, but it was a smaller commitment than having a human child. At least then, we would be able to develop a sense of responsibility together. If one of us didn't keep up with the walking duty or feeding duty, how would we be able to have a child together? Children were a lot more work, after all, so it would put it all into perspective.

Finally, Jisoo suggested some sort of date night. Something to make sure that both of us had a chance to relax. Our lives were filled with huge stressors - there was Seungcheol's debt, even though he was gradually reducing it as we spoke, the fact that we were relatively new lovers but living together already, and the reality of working in retail. It was only natural for it to all work its way into our relationship in other forms, such as being irrationally angry over things or flying off the handle a bit too quick. So he said that we should do something to make our romance reach those realms of fantasy together. We could meet at a bar, club or coffee shop and pretend to be complete strangers. One could buy the other a drink and we could flirt as if we were meeting each other for the first time. It was a form of psychological therapy, Jisoo told me; seeing things with a fresh mind, as if we were seeing it for the first time, really helped to put things into perspective. That was why it was so useful.

I have to admit, I would have gone back at that point if it wasn't for the fact that Seungcheol asked me to leave. If I had been the one to walk out on my own accord, I would have gone back in there and pretended that I just needed a walk to clear my head. I wanted nothing more than to put the plan into action and make things better between us. I wanted to tell him that I was stupid; a complete idiot for starting an argument over something so pathetic. But I couldn't go back, at least not until we were back in work together. That was in three days time anyway, so I would be doing as he asked and giving us both a few days apart. Jisoo told me that he was more than happy for me to stay with him instead, and that he trusted me not to set the house on fire whilst he was at work. He then took me up to the shower, where he allowed me to wash for as long as I needed to remove all traces of my romance with Seungcheol, before giving me some clothes to wear and inviting me into his bed.

"I changed the bedsheets, even though I know you wouldn't mind either way. There's nothing comfier than fresh bedsheets when you've just had a shower." I appreciated it more than I could express to him, so I just hugged him tightly without saying a single word. He didn't care that I was still damp and that my hair left a wet patch on his shirt. He just held me back and then slipped under the covers. And as soon as I joined him, he became my big spoon, wrapping himself around my body in a way that made me feel safe and secure. His thumb stroked my arm and his face nuzzled the back of my head, and that was exactly where we stayed all night.

Even though Seungcheol was on my mind the entire time, I had to admit that it was great to just stay with Jisoo and do the things that best friends do. Out of all of my friendships, I think that my one with him is the most healthy and has been since the start. He's the sort of person who gets anxious about giving affection to his partners but doesn't care when you're friends with him. He'll kiss you and tell you that he loves you and will cuddle you in his bed without making it seem as if it's odd to be doing that sort of thing. And I appreciate it a lot. It's why his place is still my safe space and why we're still very good friends with each other.

Sometimes I still think that that's the only reason why I managed to push through the rough patch and come out of it on the other side still wanting to fight for our relationship.


	24. Chapter 24

Seungcheol did actually try to contact me again before we had officially hit our few days apart.

He sent me a number of messages, begging that I tell him where I was so that he knew I was safe. Of course, I told him that I was _safe_ but I refused to say where I was. That was a detail that he didn't really need to know. After all, I knew that he would come over to Jisoo's house so that he would be able to see me, and I wasn't really prepared to have that chat with him whilst we were in someone else's house. Then again, I wasn't really prepared to go home with him either, so it would have had to happen here or nowhere. I was over the argument that we'd had, but sometimes you can't thrust yourself right back into a relationship again. You do need those few days to gather your thoughts and clear your head so that when you get back there, you know that you're not going to have that same argument all over again.

It's the reality of having an adult relationship. You do need to have a bit of a break sometimes and if you say that you're going to have a few days apart, you should really follow it through by having a few days apart. Sure, you _could_ just jump straight back into it if you think things are going to work out, but it's best to have that couple of days to really think everything through and put your relationship into perspective. Plus, on a slightly more uncomfortable note, that sort of thing can even help you to realise whether you actually _need_ your relationship or not. Do you miss him when he's not around, or are you much happier when you're apart? Do you consider calling or texting him because you genuinely want to do that? Or does it not even cross your mind to send him a message? All of these things are important to think about when you're having time away from your partner. Of course, I was fortunate enough to find that I _did_ miss Seungcheol a lot, but it didn't mean that I was going to go crawling back to him right away. Time apart can be for the best.

In fact, I kept my distance perfectly fine until our next shift together. That was the original plan, after all, so I was going to stick to it. I went along to the shift with Jisoo, who told me that he could shuffle me around the place if I was uncomfortable with being within close range of Seungcheol. He said that he would make sure to check with me at least a handful of times, just to make sure. Things change over the course of the day, he told me, and whilst I could have been fine with him at the start, that might have been completely different by the end of the shift. He wanted me to be happy at work, so he would do everything possible to make sure that I didn't have to worry about Seungcheol getting in the way of things. He told me that he would get the other managers up to the same page if I needed him to do that, and he would make sure that absolutely no one judged what I needed to do to keep myself feeling comfortable whilst I was at work.

It meant that I was confident as I walked into the workplace. My head was held high, and there was absolutely no weakness in my step whatsoever. I knew what I was going to do and how to handle it if I wasn't happy, and that was the most important thing. I had a plan of what to do if I did feel as if I couldn't handle being around him, and several back-up plans on top of that. We walked into the building with no trouble at all, feeling ready to face the day, and that mood stayed until I saw Seungcheol waiting by the morning briefing board.

My stomach flipped and my legs instantly froze. I didn't know how to respond to him being there. As much as I'd missed him, I suddenly felt anxious. It was as if we had broken up and I was seeing him in work again the day after we'd parted ways. Of course, we were still in a relationship so it was a bit different, but it still felt like that sort of situation. And I didn't like it at all. It made me feel a bit sick, if I was being honest. Even more so when I hung up my coat and Seungcheol made his way straight over to me. He stared at me in silence for a minute, his expression looking somewhat hurt, and then he let out a long sigh. "Can I hug and kiss you, please?" he asked. Without even thinking it through, I nodded. I didn't really need to think about it; as much as I had been anxious, I needed that bit of contact too. So he pulled me closer to his body and pressed a hard kiss to my lips, then moved to hug me tightly.

I think it was the first time that I'd seen Seungcheol crying over me, and probably the second time I'd ever seen him crying. I think the only other time I had seen him crying before that was when his grandma was in the hospital, just before she passed away. This time was just like that in the sense that his tears were silent and ugly, but the vibe was completely different. Back then, he had a look of defeat on his face, but this time he seemed relieved. He pressed his face into the side of my neck so that he could let it out, and it meant that I was the only one who felt him crying. Wet streaks painted my skin and rolled down into my shirt. I considered telling him not to cry onto my bare skin, as a sort of joke to lighten up the mood a bit, but then quickly figured that it would attract more unwanted attention to us if I did that. After all, the colleagues who didn't already know about our relationship were staring at us as if we had sprouted additional heads and were planning on making a dragon hoard at the back of the store.

"I love you," he breathed into my skin. His voice was muffled and laced with the thickness of tears. I slowly stroked his hair with one hand and pulled him that little bit closer.  
"I love you too, Cheol. Are you okay?" I made sure to say it as quietly as possible, just to spare him the embarrassment. He gave a little nod and slowly pulled back, finally allowing me to see the puffiness of his eyes.   
"Just happy that you're back." I could feel my chest clenching as soon as I'd seen the mess that I had created, and so I quickly began to wipe his eyes and cheeks with my sleeves until he was giving me awkward smiles again. That was what I wanted to see; him looking a little bit better. At that point, I leaned in to kiss him once more, then hugged him tightly and led him over to the meeting again. Jihoon was taking it this time, so we took a seat together on one side of the circle. I pulled Seungcheol's hand into my lap and gently stroked it, and he allowed me to do so without complaint.

Jihoon also noticed, although he simply gave us a smile instead of calling us out over it. I supposed that Seungcheol probably told him about our argument, seeing as he was a lot closer with the other managers than he was with the rest of the staff. I was quite happy with that, actually. It meant that I wasn't the only one who had a support system whilst we were apart, and so he wasn't simply left entirely on his own whilst I wasn't at home. The fact that we were holding hands wasn't brought up at all, thankfully - not even by other members of staff - and so the meeting commenced.

It was just the usual. We were expecting to earn around seventeen million won that day. We didn't have too many staff because we knew that it wasn't going to be a particularly busy day. The only thing we did need to worry about was keeping on top of the deliveries again. There weren't too many to customers' homes, but there were a lot of items being transferred to other stores around Seoul, so we needed to make sure that we picked for those around our store picks. You know the drill. It's pretty much the same every day in that sort of job, except sometimes you'll have more items to put away, sometimes you'll be doing more delivery, and sometimes you'll be picking constantly. Everything else pops up once in a while, just to mix things up, but they aren't the sort of things you'll go into your shift expecting.

When we were dismissed, though, Jihoon quietly asked if we wanted to pop into the office for a quick chat. It wasn't a command, but was genuinely his way of trying to help - that much was obvious. He was essentially running the place for the day whilst the store manager took his day off, so he had to make sure that everyone was feeling happy and comfortable to start work. He didn't want us to be in a position where we didn't think that we could work together, he said; it would make everything a lot harder for everyone on shift. Of course, we ended up going into the office with him in the end, just so that we could clear the air and clarify where we were. We each took a seat around the desk, with Jihoon taking the one nearest to the computer, and then we began our chat.

"Have you spoken to each other this morning about everything that's been going on between you?" Jihoon asked right away, confirming my theory that he knew about the situation between us.  
"We haven't spoken, no. But I'm hoping that we'll be able to do that after we finish work," I told him. Seungcheol's eyes flickered in my direction, and then he gave a little nod to show that he agreed with the proposal.  
"I can let you have ten minutes in here if you want to clear the air before you start your shift, if you want," Jihoon announced right away. "You know, I've had this sort of thing before. Soonyoung and I had an argument just before his promotion and we stopped talking for almost a week, until he had a little bit of a meltdown during a shift."

I suppose that that made it easier for us to discuss it properly. We didn't have to worry that Jihoon was judging the quality of our relationship and the things that we argued about. Instead, we could concern ourselves with getting it all sorted so that we didn't need to continue the argument later. I mean, the good thing was that we'd already come to a consensus and decided to avoid letting it become another argument, but the bad part was that we still needed to get that out into the open so that we knew we were on the same page. So we turned to each other and started explaining how we felt about having time apart. We discussed how we felt about everything now that we'd have the time to reflect on it, and then we told each other that we would come up with alternative solutions to keep us both happy. That was the foundation of good relationships, after all, and so it was only natural that we did what we could in order to ensure that we made things work.

As much as I had anticipated that things would be at least a little bit awkward at work, I actually found that Seungcheol was more open to showing affection for me in front of other members of staff. He had stopped caring completely; whilst we had agreed that we would keep everything hidden from the colleagues we weren't close with, he was insistent on showing me how much he loved me throughout the day. And whilst usually I would be bothered by that sort of thing, I found that I was strangely happy with the arrangement. After all, it didn't seem as if we were going too far, and it was about time that we told people about that sort of thing when things were starting to get serious. There was only so long that you could hide it at that point and besides, doing so was starting to make it seem as if we were embarrassed about our relationship.

I was actually happy to find that we were congratulated by a number of colleagues when they realised that we actually were dating officially. One of the female pickers took the time to chat with me about our relationship over lunch, and it led to us bonding a lot more than I originally anticipated. She was always that motherly friend for the people who worked on the shop floor - on the tills, on the collection point, or in the jewellery section - but I had never really considered her to be a friend as such. A colleague, yes, but not an official friend. That changed in the half hour that we spent chatting with each other, and I'm genuinely glad that we had the opportunity to bond like that. After all, even though we hardly talk anymore, it meant that I had another person to talk with, and likewise she had someone else who could help her out. It's all about creating those bonds in the workplace.

I was actually quite surprised, too, to find out that the drivers took it the best out of everyone. They hadn't seen what had happened before our shift, since they started several hours after Seungcheol and I arrived, but the news spread fast and they ended up coming over to us whilst we were having a chat. "Is it true that you two are seeing each other now?" one of them asked. We looked up to see all eight of them stood there, waiting expectantly for an answer. I froze up right away, finding it intimidating, but Seungcheol gave a smile and a nod.  
"We've actually been seeing each other for quite some time, but we wanted to keep it on the down-low."

I expected that they would make a snide comment or joke about our sex life or something, but three of them stepped forward right away to shake Cheol's hand. They were beaming ear-to-ear and immediately started asking him if we were happy, whether that was why he was taking more hours, and the sorts. Just the normal questions that you would expect from genuine friends when you announce to them that you've had a secret relationship with someone for a while. It was refreshing, to say the least, and it gave me a new perspective of them. They suddenly went from the most intimidating, built-up men that I could imagine to being approachable and friendly. And I actually really liked that. Especially when the one who joined at the same time that I did looked Seungcheol right in the eye and told him that he needed to look after me.

"He's a baby and he doesn't need a man breaking his heart," he told him firmly. "I'll fight you myself if I find out that you're playing with his heart in any way." I have to admit, I was flattered. I had spoken to the guy occasionally but he had mostly just helped me to carry big items from the bulk area of the store. Those items sometimes came in four or five pieces and they were impossible for one person to carry, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered asking for another person to come over. But he was on it right away. Even if I hadn't asked for help but he saw me struggling with something, he would be right over there to make sure that I was okay. And I appreciated it a lot. This only added to it that little bit more and made me feel that little bit happier about the fact that we had come out and told everyone about our relationship. Something scary had turned into something that made me incredibly happy, and that was great.

I actually felt a lot better about things once we'd finished our shift and were on the way home together. I thanked Jisoo profusely for his help and he informed me that he would always be there to help me if I needed him again in the future. At that point, we parted ways and I walked back home with Seungcheol, who made sure to chat to me about my time with Jisoo on the way home. He was probably trying to come up with something else to talk about, other than the argument and everything relating to that, I supposed, and so I made sure to give him the chance to learn about everything that he had missed, from the late night chats to the potato wedge pizza and the bucket of fried chicken. In particular, I focused on the fact that Jisoo is a bit of a food hoarder and made sure that I had eaten until I was stuffed so that he knew I was definitely feeling a lot better.

He found that bit funny, actually. Said it was a really Jisoo thing to do. He always thought that Jisoo would be the sort of man who would whip out everything when it came to taking care of his friends, but he hadn't really considered exactly how he would put it all into play. He was pleasantly surprised when I told him, as a result, and it led us to talk about how Seungcheol's experience had been so different. He had simply sat at home and called Jihoon for over five hours so that they could discuss everything together and figure out how he could possibly make things better between us. Of course, at that point I made sure to point out that it wasn't really his fault, since he had been an adult about things whereas I had been a child, but he insisted that it went both ways. We were both to blame, otherwise there wouldn't have been an argument in the first place.

It was straight to business as soon as we got home. Seungcheol wanted to get the talk over and done with so that we felt a lot happier about it right away. He ordered us something to eat, figuring that it was better for us to spend the time sorting out our relationship, rather than worrying about getting dinner sorted, and then took me to the sofa, where we sat face-to-face. He took my hands into his own and stroked them, seemingly enjoying the sensation of skin contact after a few days apart. I would give him that, I decided; even though I would have usually wanted a little bit more distance whilst we discussed things in a serious manner, I could tell how much Seungcheol needed it. And I wasn't going to rip it away from him when he needed it so badly. To do so would be to hurt him, and that was the last thing I wanted to do. So I let him continue. I let him wrap his fingers around mine and stroke slow circles on my palms to comfort himself, and then we finally started the chat.

"Have you got any ideas for how to tackle this?" Seungcheol asked, "I would lie and tell you that I'm over the thought of having children if I thought you would believe it, but I know that we both know it's a lie. So I'm not prepared to do that. I want to come up with some sort of alternative for us so that we can both be happy. But I'm not sure what exactly we can do." I was glad that he confessed it, to be honest. If he lied and pretended that it was no longer a problem, I can guarantee that it would have led to another argument between us. And that's the last thing that we really wanted. After all, the topic was one of the only reasons why we were arguing, and so it was something that we needed to address. We couldn't just have the same argument every single time without resolving it. Of all the couples I know who have tried to do that, it hasn't worked at all.

And there's a reason why it doesn't work. It becomes the elephant in the room. You can act as if it's not there, but it's strikingly obvious to everyone else and even yourselves. "We don't have a problem at all," you might tell your friends. Some of the more oblivious ones might even believe you. But it's not something that's going to work in the long run. Telling yourself that you're happy when you're having a bad day at work might make you happy, but pretending that your relationship is perfect when it's absolutely crushing you isn't good at all. It leaves you on edge all the time and irrationally angry over every little thing. You can't share things together, you can't enjoy the quiet moments, and you're always overthinking it. _That's_ why I'm so glad that he didn't turn it into the elephant.

"I think our first step," I told him, "Is to babysit for someone. Perhaps older kids first, maybe for a shorter period of time, and then we'll gradually build it up so that we're looking after a range of different age groups for as long as their parents need them out of the way. That should show you whether babies are a big deal - although I'm sure they still will be - and it'll confirm or reject my idea that children are scary. Does that sound fair?" Seungcheol gave a nod. I let out a long breath. As much as I was sure that Jisoo's plan would work, I still had this little fear that it would lead to another bicker. I knew that there was a chance that he would get upset about my solution, even though that chance was remarkably slim, and so that was where my mind focused. It was, as a result, a huge relief when Seungcheol seemed to be on board with the idea. In fact, I was particularly impressed to find that he offered to find some parents with good kids who we could watch.

"One of my drivers has a ten-year-old if that sounds good," he announced, "He and his wife haven't had time to be a couple in a long time, so it would be nice if we were able to look after her for a night whilst they went out for a date night." It sounded like a pretty decent idea, so he informed me that he would ask him the following morning. Then there were a few others on his suggestion list. A cousin with an eight-year-old. A neighbour with eleven-year-old twins. One friend who had a thirteen-year-old and an eight-year-old. There were so many choices that we could figure it out for sure. Of course, every child had their own personality so whilst one could be a nightmare, a different child of the same age could be the best kid in the universe. I agreed right away, and so he told me that he would get it arranged so that we would be able to give it a try.

As much as I hated kids, I had to admit that I felt pretty excited by the idea of getting to babysit for someone for a few hours. I'd never really spent time with a child and one other person, primarily because I didn't like being with a child and a room full of people, nevermind having to actually give my attention to one. When you're with a kid, you have to seem interested in their life, whether or not you actually are. They have to be mentally and emotionally stimulated by the world around them, or else they start getting boisterous or annoying.

At that point, our dinner arrived and Seungcheol informed me that the conversation was done for the night. We had finished talking about children and so the topic would be pushed to one side and brought up at a later date. If possible, we were going to avoid talking about it until our babysitting position was confirmed. We would spend the rest of our time recovering from the argument with cuddles, kisses, fast food and probably a bath together. And I couldn't even argue against it. It seemed like the best possible idea for us to drop it before the baby talk took over our night again. Seungcheol grabbed us some plates and served up our meal, and so we curled up together and ate. It was strangely nice to just have a meal with him whilst we were cuddled up close, and I didn't even mind that the room was almost silent whilst we were stuffing our faces.

Just to make things that little bit better, the kisses that followed were the best I'd ever felt. It might have been something to do with the fact that we'd spent a few days without any physical contact at all, but I like to think that it has something to do with the fact that it was greasy and messy. I could taste the grease on Seungcheol's tongue as I began to kiss him, and the remaining oil from our meal quickly ended up smeared across our mouths and cheeks. Realistically, that sort of thing was disgusting. The fact that the oils from the food had been so heavy that they ended up all over us was incredibly gross, and the fact that I could taste said oil on his breath when we kissed should have been vile. But we didn't mind at that point in time, not one tiny bit. Of course, it would be a different story now - I would certainly regret to kiss a man whose mouth wasn't blotted clean with a napkin, but you don't care so much about that when you're young and in love.

Then, as proposed, we ended up taking a bath together. I had been expecting it to involve us having sex at some point, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that it included me cuddling against Seungcheol's chest as he stroked up and down my bare back. Fitting two adults in a tiny tub was a difficult task and we almost didn't fit in together, but it was strangely comfortable when we did manage to squash ourselves inside. Not only that, but it was also _comforting_. It forced us to lie chest-to-chest with our skin touching. It forced us to jigsaw our legs together and for my head to be on his shoulder. If that isn't the nicest way to end a day, I don't know what is. It's something that I would still do today, if I could do something like that. In my current place, the bath is too small to fit one adult, nevermind two, which would make it a bit of a task. We would have to have legs in places they shouldn't be and arms crushed down the sides of bodies, but I would still do it. I would find a way to do it.

As you can imagine, we were both relaxed by the time we went to bed. The argument was so far in the past that we had almost forgotten about it, and we were back to being your typical annoying in-love couple. We fell asleep just as we had done whilst we were in the bath - with me laid on top of Seungcheol and his arms around my body - and that was just what I liked. It didn't take long for us to drift off and we ended up staying in that same position until we woke up the following day.

The beauty of it all was that there were no hard feelings left over once we had finished what we had started. No bitterness hidden behind smiles. I can always tell when that's the case, you know. I can see when someone is trying their hardest to keep their feelings inside by smiling. That wasn't the case for Seungcheol, and it certainly wasn't the case for me either. We just worked through it, as you would always hope to do when you're in a committed relationship and you're living together. And I'm glad we did. I'm honestly so glad that we didn't end up breaking up over it - that I didn't take it as an excuse to cut everything off right away and that he didn't take my abrupt comment as a reason to throw all of my belongings out onto the street.

For that, I'll always thank both Seungcheol himself and my lucky stars for keeping everything in running order.


	25. Chapter 25

The best thing about Choi Seungcheol is that he takes everything you suggest onboard. He didn't have to put everything Jisoo suggested into play, but he went out of his way to make sure that we could try everything. He arranged the babysitting, date nights, and everything else to get us right back on track again. And if I said that I didn't appreciate it, you would know full well that I was lying. I loved it more than I could describe. I knew that he wanted to make things work, and I was just so relieved that he turned out to be one of those people who would rather fight for a relationship than break up with you as soon as things started to get difficult. That's the sort of man I've always wanted in life, and the sort of man who I will ultimately end up spending my life with in the long run.

We started with the babysitting, seeing as it was the easiest thing to arrange. The driver and his wife were relieved to be able to spend some time alone, since they rarely had the chance to do that sort of thing, and so Seungcheol and I became their daughter's parents for the night. I made a healthy dinner for us all and she worked on her homework with Seungcheol, and then we sat down together and ate. We watched a film with our pyjamas on, and then we played a few board games before taking her up to bed. It was quite a relaxed evening, if I was being completely honest; she was an absolutely lovely girl and I found it particularly cute how she cringed as soon as she saw couples kissing on the television screen. She would curl her face towards my arm and squeeze her eyes shut, and I couldn't help but laugh when I saw it. "You saw Cheol and I kissing in the kitchen when I was bringing dinner to the table," I pointed out after the first time. She gave a shy little smile.  
"But that was cute. You're kissing like a couple who love each other, not two people who want to eat each other's faces in front of everyone."

I appreciated what she said, and it gave me a little bit more confidence in how we were perceived in the outside world. It was easy enough to stay in your own little bubble and see yourself as a normal couple, but it didn't necessarily mean that you were _actually_ a normal couple if you did that. What I found was that all of the older children that we babysat told us exactly how it was. One or two would cringe and tell us that kissing boys was gross because they have cooties and that they wouldn't dare kiss a boy because they didn't want to catch anything from them, but most of them seemed to find it cute when Seungcheol and I were affectionate with each other. "You don't kiss like our mommy and daddy," one of them pointed out, in an attempt to explain, "Mommy and daddy try to kiss each other for ages, but you give tiny little kisses, like butterflies." It was a fair point, I supposed. Our kisses were like butterflies. I liked that a lot, and it really did start to sway me a bit. Sure, I wasn't all that fond of having babies - especially when we needed to change nappies and wind them after their bottles - but I actually found that the older kids weren't as bad as I thought. They were thoughtful and spent time chatting with us, and they were always very honest with their feelings towards things. And I do think that one of my issues was that I feared the judgement that would come alongside children and homosexuality, but that fear was quickly washed down the drain when I saw how normal they found it.

In fact, I suppose that even looking after the babies wasn't as bad as I thought it would be either. Seungcheol was quick to dip in and take care of the nappy changes, seeing as I have a little thing about human body fluids, and he was absolutely amazing at getting that done. The smell of baby only lasted for a minute at most, as he would always be quick to wrap up soiled nappies and get them out of the way, and then he would make sure to turn it into a game with the kid too. A little tickle here and there, and pretending to bite their toes. They would squeal with excitement and Seungcheol would laugh as he continued with the games. He would take the time to exercise their little legs and would dress them in the cutest onesies for bed after the first change of the night. Then, once he was finished, he would take the time to put the baby on their feet and get them to move around a little bit before scooping them up for snuggles. It just confirmed to me that he was made to be a father and frankly, I didn't know whether to find it absolutely beautiful or let my heart sink down into my stomach as it wished to do.

We stopped after a little while. It got exhausting for us to babysit three times a week for six weeks straight. I didn't mind the experience, obviously, but sometimes you just want to have adult company for a while. You don't want to have to spend all of your time around children, especially if you're not that fond of them in the first place. And there are a lot of things you can't do when you're looking after children, too. You can't just get a glass of wine and curl up next to your boyfriend on the sofa. You can't have a cheeky bit of passion. You can't just leave them unattended so that you can have some time to yourself. But you _can_ sometimes do that when you have adult company, which is why I much prefer it. I was, as a result, glad when Seungcheol suggested that we take a break from the babysitting and move on to something else. After all, he said, it seemed as if I was a lot more comfortable around children, and I guessed that that much really was true.

The next step was discussing our limits. We had spent a bit of time avoiding the fertilisation roleplay, just so that we didn't need to have that discussion alongside everything else that was going on in our life. And I have to admit, I didn't think that I would be able to balance it all. Something would have to suffer for us to be able to really think about it and have that discussion. Be it my friendships, my work performance, or the actual babysitting - it couldn't all go smoothly when I had something so important playing on my mind. So I pushed it to the back until Seungcheol finally suggested that we talk about what limits we had, and so that conversation suddenly took flight.

It wasn't just about the baby thing, interestingly enough. We really opened up to each other. Our hard limits were generally pretty common ones - certain body fluids were completely off-limits, I wouldn't like to have my hands cuffed behind my back, and Seungcheol couldn't be on his knees for too long - whereas our soft limits varied a bit. I started out by telling him that even though I marked pregnancy and roleplaying as a female as hard limits, fertilisation was a soft limit at that point in time. It came with some requirement limits too - such as, a lot of aftercare once we finished and the ability to cut it off if it was making me feel anxious, and Seungcheol seemed happy to accept that. His soft limits, though, were a little bit less specific to that point in our lives. "I think I'd like to try taking it at least once," he told me, "And maybe lovebites." Not really what I expected from him, but I actually quite liked it. It made him seem that little bit more normal, as far as I was concerned, and I loved that.

Then we continued with a date that wasn't quite a date. It was actually mapped out more like an affair so that we could elongate the roleplay that little bit longer. I actually decided pretty quickly that the way to get me feeling a little bit more confident about the fertilisation thing was to make it seem as if we were strangers and Seungcheol was making his mark on me in place of his actual boyfriend. So that was what we planned. We would meet up in a club after a few days apart - during which, I would visit my parents - and then we would go home together and do what we needed to do. It was something that would test how spontaneous we were, but I loved that. It meant that we could try to woo each other as well, which would help us to see how our relationship could have turned out if we hadn't met through retail.

It excited me. I thought about it the whole time that we were apart. I could feel my muscles twitching with anticipation every time I considered how it would go down, and then I spent an exceptional amount of time getting pretty before our date night. My sister helped me to apply natural makeup, which would make me look even more attractive when we were under the low lights of the club. Her focus was on making my eyes look pretty, and she put in so much effort to make me seem like a doe-eyed baby. I had to look perfect, she said, and so she didn't leave until my subtle winged eyeliner was perfect on both sides and my eyeshadow was blended beautifully. In fact, she even picked out a "new and improved outfit" for me to wear - an orchid purple waffle knit jumper, which has a deep enough scoop to show off my collarbones, paired with faded grey jeans - and then send me on my way to meet Seungcheol.

I have to admit, I did get a little bit nervous when I walked into the club. It was an LGBT club in the southern part of Seoul. There were a few in the area, which was weird because I had never really seen any LGBT clubs before, but I could spot the one I was looking for from down the street. Flashing red signs outside, and the general aura of a brothel. It was probably the worst place we could have chosen but I couldn't back out now. I entered the building and made my way over to the bar, which proved to be a difficult task when there were so many different people around. A man saw me there and started flirting. I tried my hardest to seem polite but disinterested, but then he bought me a drink so I was forced to interact with him for a little bit longer. My eyes were on my drink the entire time, though; whilst I trusted that most men wouldn't try to pull a fast one on a stranger they just met, I was a bit wary over how quickly he gave in and bought me something.

I was relieved when his friends finally pulled him away and informed me that I wouldn't be going home with him. They were there for their friend's stag party, so he wasn't going to be picking up any men. I had to say, I couldn't help but thank them as they took him away from me and straight out of the door. Of course, it did make me feel a little bit wanted to have a man flirting with me like that, but he wasn't the man I wanted and he certainly wasn't the man I was looking for either. No, he was just a man who was there to boost my ego only. Nothing more, nothing less. When he was gone, I took my confidence and I used it to chat with the people around me until I eventually saw a man I recognised walking towards the bar. My boyfriend, Choi Seungcheol. 

He looked even more handsome once I'd had a few days away from him. I took in the sight of him, and my heart skipped a beat. He had shaved the stubble on his chin, and his hair was slicked back. He was wearing a tight-fitting shirt and chinos, and I could see everything. The built-up muscles of his chest and torso. The forearms that peeked out past rolled-up sleeves. The shape of his perfect ass and those thick thighs. His face was beautiful, his body was beautiful, and I was immediately reminded of exactly why I had a thing for him. Even though he had been horrible to me in the past, I couldn't help but feel very attracted to his appearance, and so I turned straight back towards the bartender to make a little request. "Could I pay for a soju for the handsome man who just came to the bar?" I asked with the prettiest smile that I could muster, "You know the one in the shirt with the big eyes?" Naturally, the bartender did exactly as I asked. I watched as she grabbed the bottle and made her way over, where she promptly handed it to him and told him that it was from me.

Seungcheol glanced over to see who had bought him the drink, and I watched as his face dropped as soon as he saw me. Not in a bad way, but in a stunned way. Then he leaned in towards the bartender to tell her something, and finally she pottered back over to me to deliver the message. "The gentleman in the shirt thanked you for the drink and asked if you wanted him to come over. He said that if it's a yes, have a drink on him, and if not, there are no hard feelings." I felt my heart flutter. I knew that she was talking about Seungcheol, obviously, but it felt as if I was newly in love with a man and was having the chance to flirt with him for the first time. Of course, I finished the drink in my hand right away, then I ordered a peach soju and began to sip it delicately as she went back to Seungcheol with the bill. And then he was at my side, gazing at me with love in his eyes as he brought his bottle to his lips. One quick sip, and then I could see his eyes wandering over my body. My breath caught in my throat.

"Do I need to buy you another drink to get your name?" he said into my ear. I knew that I blushed right away, even though there was no reason for me to get so flustered. I told him my name and he smiled. "I'm Seungcheol. You can call me anything you want, though."  
"How about 'handsome'?" I blurted out without thinking. He laughed and I really cringed that time. It sounded a lot better in my head before I said it, but now I sounded like a complete and utter idiot. I suppose at least he saw the funny side of it, though, and took a slow sip of his drink again before leaning in close to my ear a second time.  
"I can't help but wonder what an attractive man like you is doing here on your own," he said, "Is your boyfriend out of town or something?"

"How do you know I have a boyfriend?" I asked. My tone suggested that I did have a boyfriend, so I ended up playing along with it before he had the chance to reply. "We have an open relationship and I'm in the mood to flirt with other men at the moment. I didn't think I would find someone but then..." My eyes hesitated on his face. Seungcheol knew exactly what I meant and he immediately broke into a smile. I loved seeing it, especially after a few days apart from him. His smile was incredibly attractive, and it simply made me fall for him that little bit harder to see it in this context.  
"If it makes you feel any better, I'm not in a relationship whatsoever and I came here with the intent of hooking up, so I'm just as surprised as you are to find someone I find genuinely attractive."

"Are you flirting with me?" I asked. His eyes flickered down my body and back up, then he shrugged playfully as he flashed an innocent smile.  
"All I'll say is that I want to dance with you at least once, and I promise I'll keep it clean." That was that. It was a race to finish our drinks so that we could get on to dancing together. Seungcheol grabbed my wrist as soon as he was done and led me straight to the middle of the room, where we were surrounded by other people. I suppose it made it feel as if we were secure; as if the staff wouldn't think that we were actually two strangers who were about to take each other home for unsafe sex. We were hidden within the crowds of people, and we could safely dance together without having to worry about anything at all.

The music was even louder where we were dancing, so we kept things quiet between us for the most part. Just dancing with hands touching and chests close. Nothing too dirty or sexual; we always made sure to keep a little bit of distance between us, but it was always very clear to everyone around us that we were there together. It meant that even when I held a guy's gaze for a little bit too long, he would never try to swoop in to take the next dance. No, Seungcheol had claimed me for himself and no one else would even have a chance when he looked at me how he did.

I soon started to want more, though. I wanted that little bit of added contact; to have his hands on my ass and his lips on mine. So I started to hint a little bit by moving in closer. Seungcheol still kept his distance to start with, so I eventually dared to run a hand down his chest. The hand stopped at his waistband, not daring to go any further without explicit permission. He noticed my hand hovering there, of course, and then slowly pushed it down until my palm was cupping his crotch. It lasted for just a second before he moved the hand away, but that second was perfect. His smile was cheeky and it was clear that he knew what he'd done and why it wasn't allowed, and that alone made me want nothing more than to tear his clothes off right there and then. So I leaned in close to his ear. "I want you to grab my ass whilst we're dancing. We both know where this is going, and I want to enjoy every bit of it."

As you can imagine, our time in the club was relatively limited. Whilst we were planning to stay there for at least a few hours, the mix of soju and having my ass groped meant that we were walking home together after around an hour and a half. It always gets me worked up when Seungcheol grabs it because he can never just give a little squeeze and leave it there. No, he has to go all out. He massages it with his hands as he whispers into my ear that he wants to eat it and that just drives me wild. He doesn't give that sort of thing all the time but when he does, he never skimps out. It has to be amazing every single time, and he would continue eating my ass for hours if it took that long for me to finish. It was the best thing about having a boyfriend who did that sort of thing, even though I often lie and tell him that it's something else, like the help with chores or his beautiful smile.

Just because we were pretty worked up didn't mean that we didn't stop to eat barbequed meat, though. We saw it on the way home and I let out an excited shout to Seungcheol, and then we were inside the restaurant eating our fill of pork and beef. It was absolutely delicious and was certainly one of the nicest parts of the experience. It gave us the chance to chat more; we continued pretending that we were strangers but proceeded to ask questions that were subject to change or ones that we hadn't really asked each other before, just to keep things interesting. We learnt new things about each other that way, and it helped us to see the other person in a new light. Things change, you see, and whilst your man might feel certain ways about things on one day, he might think something completely different in a few months. It's an element of character development, I suppose, and it really helps to brush up on your knowledge about someone you love.

Once we were done, the fun continued. Sloppy kisses as soon as we made it into the house. Hands grabbing for clothes and pulling them off. Seungcheol pausing to tell me that I look incredibly sexy in purple. He didn't really like the colour before he saw it on me, he said, but it became a colour that he associated with beauty. I still wear purple a lot now, actually, because it was such a genuine comment that it made me feel a lot more confident about my body image. Hands found trousers and tore them away, and there were a few comments on the choice of boxers. Seungcheol had incredibly tight boxers that showed off the exact shape of everything underneath, whereas I wore some that read, "No one knows I'm gay." Fitting, I figured. It made Seungcheol laugh at least, although the boxers only stayed on my body for thirty seconds before he tossed them to one side.

Then we got down to it. Mouths finding places on skin that they hadn't found in quite some time. Body fluids mixing around said mouths. Penetrating gently, but only staying that way for long enough to get a rhythm started. Rough and forceful slamming of hips together, but absolutely consensual from the moment it started to the moment it ended. He made me scream his name as he pulled my hair, and he tried choking me a little bit as he exerted his power over me. I loved every single second of it. I loved how his hands found the most sensitive places on my body - from my nipples through to the curve of my inner thigh - and they poked around until he got a reaction. And as much as we could pretend to be strangers who were getting to see each other's bodies for the first time, I didn't mind in the slightest. Seungcheol knew my body like a map and he knew exactly what he needed to do to turn me on, and so I didn't even care if the fantasy was lost for a while. I just needed to have him touching me until I was a mess on the kitchen floor.

The bonus was that his kink came into on a basic level. I told him halfway through that my boyfriend would kill me if he found out that I'd been fertilised by another man, and suddenly it flicked a switch in Seungcheol's head. He began to slam his hips into me with full force, essentially breeding me, and his fingers spread me for the taking. He didn't hesitate at all; he suddenly had an end goal and knew where he wanted to be, and so he continued to take me like an animal until he was almost finished. Then he said it, right as he was at the edge - "Your man needs to deal with it because I'm not pulling out for anything." After that, he lasted for just a couple of seconds before reaching his peak, and I felt strangely satisfied by the fact that I had managed to get him there with something so simple.

The only complaint I had was that there was no real aftercare, but I couldn't blame Seungcheol for that. We were both too tired to do anything big together, like taking a shower or watching a movie, so Seungcheol scooped me up and took me to the bedroom instead. And he was asleep from the second his head hit the pillow. I ended up simply cuddling up with him and resting my head on his chest, which did the trick until we woke up in the morning.

Interestingly, Seungcheol realised that he had skipped out on aftercare and woke up anxious in the morning. He checked that everything was fine with me over and over again and even then, he still clearly felt bad about everything. So he told me that we were going to go out for the day and he would make it up to me whilst we were there. Of course, I figured that it would just be a day-long aftercare instead, since that was what he seemed to be implying, but then it became increasingly obvious as we walked that he had calculated a plan and was taking us somewhere very specific with the intention of getting me a gift.

That gift was for me to pick out. We went to an animal shelter together, and Seungcheol told me that I could pick any pet I wanted. "I checked with the landlord to see whether we could get any pet. He said that if we have one, we'll have to be aware of any damages and get them fixed so that we don't have to pay extra when we move out but otherwise, he's okay with us having an animal around the house." I still don't know when he had the time to check but I really appreciated it; we were able to have a look around and find a number of cute animals that I wanted to take home. In the end, though, one stood out the most. A black tomcat with dark green eyes; he was around six months old but he was taken to the shelter because his mother's owner couldn't find anyone to take him in but couldn't afford to keep him either.

I fell in love with that cat right away. He purred when I stroked him, and he meowed when I held him in my arms. His toe beans were as black as his fur and he didn't even mind me stroking his paws. He was the most loveable cat I've ever seen in my life and I just couldn't believe that he hadn't been snatched up already and given a forever home. So he was mine. All I had to do was flash puppy eyes to Seungcheol and he told the assistant that I wanted to take him home. We filled out the papers to take him home and they said that they would keep him for a week whilst we got furniture, food and toys for him, then they would come to our home briefly to make sure that it wasn't dangerous for him. Of course, we got everything that we could possibly get on our budget and made the place as inviting as possible for him, and our home passes as a safe place for a kitten to live.

Nabi joined us just under a week later. He was not only a gift to apologise for the lack of aftercare, but also a temporary compromise with regards to children. Seungcheol wanted to make sure that I felt as if there were options. There were always things we could do to reach a decision as to whether we wanted to have a litter of children or not. Some of those things could happen now and some later; some permanent and some temporary. It was something that he wanted to work on together, which I appreciated more than I could possibly describe. I wanted nothing more than to make it so that we had a chance together, and it seemed that he was on the same page.

The beauty of our relationship was that we were both drifting towards normal, which was the best case in my eyes. It was a relationship that we both wanted to be in, and it was built on mutual trust and love. It was a relationship in which we could talk about our problems without fear of judgement, and it was a relationship that made me feel safer than any other than I had had in the past. There was a true sense that if we could make it past this difficult point, we would be able to make it through anything, and that was something that comforted me beyond imagination.

You see, it's easy enough to fall in love with someone. It's easy to have a relationship. But sometimes you have to realise that things don't always go to plan. They change or are compromised in some other way, and that's a pretty scary thought when you're seeing someone on a long-term basis. For a lot of people, it's difficult to let go but that's just what they do. There's no point in fighting, as far as they're concerned, because it'll hurt people more and there would be no point in fighting more and more when neither party would back down. For Seungcheol and I, though, I was certain that we were going to be able to move past the baby thing and come to some sort of solution in the end. I knew that we would be able to figure out how to make our relationship worthwhile, and I was certain that we were going to end up staying together permanently, given that we were doing just fine in difficult times like that.


	26. Chapter 26

Good things only last for so long in relationships.

We were on track, after all, and that was generally a sign that things were due to go downhill at any point in time. You see, that's what happens when you're finally in a relationship where you're able to sort out all of your issues with no worries at all. You get smacked in the face by life and you have to deal with that instead. And whilst you might have landed a wonderful partner who respects and loves you, there's only so far that it'll get you in this life. As soon as life starts to drift into your relationship, you're screwed. Life won't be good to you, even if you fight for things to get better.

In our case, the issue was with work. A lot of our colleagues actually thought that our relationship was cute. All of the drivers in Seungcheol's team were in support of our relationship, and we obviously had our group of friends too - all of whom thought we made an adorable couple. We thought that it meant that it was universal. We'd never had any complaints about our relationship, after all. Besides, it wasn't even as if we were doing anything too romantic on the job. We were doing what we were paid to do and only interacted with each other when we had to come in contact. Those exchanges would be similar to how we would have that exchange with any other person. Seungcheol gave me things to do, and I would do exactly what he'd told me to do. It was as simple as that. No awkwardness, no kissing or cuddling on the job. That was one of the main reasons why we thought that everyone was okay with us.

But apparently, that wasn't quite the case. See, one of the other managers thought that our relationship was inappropriate. He wouldn't say it to either of us out loud, but we both overheard different colleagues discussing what was said about us behind our backs. They didn't want to tell us in case it made things awkward, apparently, but that was assuming that it wouldn't be awkward to overhear everything that they were saying about us behind our backs. And whilst I didn't really care all that much - having become very used to the sorts of rumours that were spread around the workplace - I could really see that Seungcheol was getting upset over it. He would try not to show that sort of thing, but I could see the hurt on his face every time he heard that it was being discussed again. He didn't want to have to hear that sort of talk and so he began to isolate himself as much as possible when we were at work together.

I hurt for him. I honestly did. It wasn't fair for him to have to deal with that sort of thing, and it honestly started to undermine his authority. His confidence started to drop and his work performance followed soon after that. It even got to the point where I thought Nabi was moulting all over the bed, only to find that Seungcheol's hair was starting to fall out as a result of the stress that he was under. I felt awful for him. In fact, I almost considered breaking off our relationship so that he didn't need to worry about that sort of thing. If I thought that he would have been able to handle it, I would've definitely gone ahead and done it, but then I quickly came to the conclusion that it was just going to make everything worse for him if I allowed that sort of thing to affect our relationship any more than it already was. It wouldn't have been fair for him, and it certainly wouldn't have made things less stressful for him.

And then they had their monthly manager's meeting. I remember feeling anxious about it all day. Of course, I wasn't going to tell him not to go or anything, but I knew right away that he was going to come home in a bad mood. I knew that words would be said, and that Seungcheol would ultimately end up losing his patience. I just hoped that Jihoon and Jisoo would be able to keep him moderately sane until the end of it. The last thing I really needed was for Seungcheol to start a fight because of the stress that he was under, only to lose his job because of it. So I ended up waiting anxiously at home. I tried to busy myself by making us a really delicious fish casserole for dinner, and I even made a tiny version for the kitten. The rest of the evening was spent trying to relax and take my mind off everything until he eventually arrived home and slammed the door shut behind him.

"Is everything okay?" I asked. He let out a bitter laugh and went straight through to our bedroom, where he took off his work uniform and went for a shower. I waited quietly for him to return, figuring that it was best to avoid following him. It took around twenty minutes for him to get back to me, at which point he did seem genuinely less stressed, but I could still see that he was fighting the urge to cry.  
"What did you make for dinner? It smells great." His voice sounded flatter than usual. My heart started breaking.  
"Oh, just fish casserole. It's supposed to be a really great comfort food, according to my mom. She said that it's useful when you want something a little bit heavier to fill your stomach after a long day, and you'll feel tired by the time you finish it."

By the time I'd finished what I was saying, I could see his shoulders shaking ever so slightly. He was crying again. I could see the way that his fingers gripped the kitchen side tightly, to the point where his knuckles were turning white. So I hopped straight up off the sofa with Nabi in hand, then promptly placed him in Seungcheol's arms as I hugged him from behind. "Nabi, give your daddy kisses," I told the cat, and he did as he was told. Not because I told him to do that, obviously, but because he could see that Seungcheol was genuinely upset. Animals have that special way of knowing if you're genuinely upset by something and even if they're not the most affectionate pet in the world, they'll do what they can to make sure that you're feeling a little bit better. Dogs will try to encourage you to play, from what I've experienced, but cats will either swing one way or the other. Either they'll sit next to you whilst respecting your personal boundaries still, or they'll do as Nabi was doing and rub their face on yours.

It did seem to stop the crying, although his voice was still trembling as he told the cat that he loved him. I could hear him sniffling as I cuddled him from behind, but each sniffle was gradually more spaced out as he began to calm down. I was relieved that it didn't last as long as I had anticipated, even though he was well within his rights to cry as much as he needed in order to let it all out.

We spent a good amount of time on the sofa together after that. He ate his food and I cuddled against his side so that he could feel that extra bit of contact. We were silent as he did so, with not even an utterance, and we eventually only spoke again when he put his bowl on the table and began to cuddle me back. I stroked his hair, trying my hardest to make sure that he was okay, and then he eventually looked up at me. I could see the pain in his eyes and that was what hurt me the most. It was clear that whatever had been said really got to him, to the point where it was a surprise that he actually managed to keep it together in front of the other managers. "He called me out in front of everyone," Seungcheol eventually told me as he made sure to hold my gaze directly. "He told everyone that I was sleeping with you so that I could take your money and get myself out of debt."

"Seungcheol," I breathed. I didn't know what to say. It was hardly the case that that manager was calling him out - after all, that implied that it was actually true - but it was still something horrible that would certainly take a knock out of his confidence. I could imagine him sat there with that bastard digging into his confidence, and my heart just sunk as I considered how awful it must have felt for him to have to listen to the complaints about our relationship like that. Especially since we all know that it's not true but someone repeating it and making it sound like truth had the power to make it seem as if it was a fact. I think that that was the problem - Seungcheol didn't really think that he was like that but the more it was pushed, the more it seemed as if it was actually the case and he deserved to be spoken to like that.

In the end, I simply told him that. "Other people will constantly try to put you down, but we both know that it's not the truth. You're dating me because we have feelings for each other and have done for some time now. We moved in together because it would be easier on our relationship. I wanted to move in with you, for starters, and now we're able to split the costs a little bit better. And a side effect of that is that you're able to take some extra money off your debt every month, but we both know that that wasn't _why_ we moved in together." He didn't respond. His head simply dropped down so that his chin was tucked in towards his neck and then his eyes slowly closed. I thought that he had given up, in all honesty, and so I bumped my efforts up even more. "You see, I wanted to help you with your debts from the start anyway, so it wouldn't really matter even if we were in that situation, would it? You're getting yourself back on track and you should be debt-free within the next few years."

"I sucked you into this shitty relationship and you're becoming poor because of me," he replied. I let out a hiss of disagreement in response.  
"If I remember rightly, I fell for you first and that was why I ended up giving up my relationship with Mingyu to be with you. I knew that we wouldn't be able to have an honest relationship if I didn't accept the fact that he wasn't the man I wanted to spend my life with."  
"I fell for you harder, though." He had pretty much proved my point by saying that. If he actually did fall for me harder, he wouldn't have planned our relationship around getting himself out of debt. That was the truth of the matter if he was being honest with me, and there was no way that he could deny that.

So I ended up pointing that out and watched how his cheeks turned pink. "I mean, that doesn't mean that I'm a good person, though," he muttered under his breath. It was clear that he was still trying to fight for the sake of it, rather than genuinely believing that he was an awful person, and so I simply rolled my eyes at him.  
"Come on, you know that we can safely say that we're in love at this point, and people who are genuinely in love don't do the things that you've been accused of doing. Try to convince me otherwise, I dare you." Of course, he couldn't say a word. This was me genuinely calling him out and he knew that; he knew that I was absolutely right and there was absolutely nothing he could say that would convince me that I was wrong.

We grew quiet, choosing to simply cuddle each other for a while. I stroked his hair as slowly as I could, knowing full well that it would relax him enough to put him to sleep. His breathing was growing heavier as he cuddled up against me, and then I felt his face starting to nuzzle against the side of my neck as he tried to get himself comfortable. We ended up staying there for a few hours as he rested, until he eventually let out a groan that woke us both up and then promptly moved a hand to rub his back. "I think we need to get into bed. It's hurting my back to be here." His voice was thick with sleep, thankfully, which suggested that it would be nice and easy for us to get back to sleep when we got to our room. So I made sure that the front door was locked, made my way over to the bedroom, and then curled up under the covers with him. 

It was such a huge relief that it didn't affect his sleep too much at the start. It was one of the little blessings that we were sent to make our life that little bit easier. Of course, it was always going to be the case that things would be tough, but life did send those little sparks of goodness here and there. It was a way of telling us that it wasn't all bad and that things would eventually get better. We weren't necessarily going to see it right at the start, but it would eventually happen and we would be in a much better position than we were at that point in time. So we kept pushing. We turned up to work and did exactly what we had been doing before the claims started.

I could actually see the difference it made in the workplace, though. Our friends were incredibly hostile towards that one manager, especially Jisoo. He would always find someone else to help out if he was in a difficult position, even if that manager was stood right next to him. There were complaints made about him to the store manager, but he wasn't able to terminate the manager's contract without evidence to say that it was definitely bullying. Of course, it certainly sounded like that sort of thing, but he needed evidence in order to legally fire him. It was a huge shame. Whilst the store manager was trying his hardest to make sure that it was fair on everyone and he absolutely believed that he was bullying Seungcheol, that one manager denied it over and over again whilst Seungcheol actually refused to tell the store manager what had happened, so nothing could be done.

We tried to get Seungcheol to report everything that had happened, but he made the point that the other manager had a family to look after. He had three children and a wife. His wife was off work because she had a herniated disk in her spine, and so he was having to support their family on savings and the job at the store so that they would be able to eat properly. And Seungcheol wasn't prepared to put his wife and children in a bad situation in order to make himself feel better. It wasn't their fault that that manager was being an asshole to other members of staff, and so he didn't believe that they should face the consequences. I completely appreciated that, of course, but the issue was that Seungcheol didn't need to suffer as a result of that sort of behaviour either. He shouldn't have had to take that upon himself in order to help another man's family.

It was one of the reasons why I loved him, funnily enough. Having his shifts arranged so that he wasn't on the same shifts of that other manager didn't really work all that well, but he put up with it because he didn't want to ruin a family. The stern telling off that the manager received from the store manager would have been enough to sway anyone else, but he persisted with the comments wherever possible. He would call Seungcheol all sorts of names under his breath, constantly making comments on how our relationship was disgusting because it was built around a power imbalance. He didn't agree that managers should date customer service advisors, not even if we were working in different apartments, and he wasn't all too fond of our age gap either. Whilst there are only four years between us, he claimed that there was a huge maturity gap and that was why it was disgusting. I was a child, apparently, whilst Seungcheol was a grown adult who should have known better.

You know, I don't know how I wasn't all that bothered by it. Usually, I would be incredibly upset about that sort of thing. Over the years, I can't even begin to explain the number of times in which I've been in such a bad position because nasty comments have really hurt me. But for some reason, this didn't affect me all that much. Same shit, different day, I suppose. Instead, though, I got to see Seungcheol crumbling every day with ever-growing anxiety whenever he was called into work, until he eventually snapped one day and turned to me with desperation in his eyes. I saw a child behind those beautiful, pained eyes of his, and I wanted nothing more than to tell him that everything was going to be okay. But he had already made up his mind, and the decision he made was to be the bigger person.

"I'm going to ask the store manager whether I can move to a different store. I want to continue working for the company, but I can't stay here any longer. I can't do it."

I was ready to stand behind him all the way. Sure, it would have been a bit of a disappointment for him to leave, since we wouldn't be able to work together and spend our free time helping each other our, but it was about his happiness and safety more than anything. I wasn't ever, ever going to deny him that. Seeing how upset it was making him was absolutely horrible, and it crushed my heart every time I had to watch his reaction to being treated like that. The matter of the fact was that he was taking it worse than you would typically expect for someone in that situation - or at least, it was dragging on for longer than you would expect - and that was telling me that there were probably underlying issues on top of everything that he was going through with that one manager. Not issues that he was necessarily aware of, but ones that were there to consume him nonetheless.

That sort of thing is especially dangerous if you don't know why you're experiencing those sorts of moods, you know. Your mind tells you that you shouldn't be experiencing those thoughts - that you have no reason to be so upset about it - and that, in turn, often makes people feel even worse. You're upset about something, you don't think you have a reason to be upset, and then you get upset because you don't have a reason to be upset. The neverending cycle. The human body is absolutely ridiculous and so is the human mind. It's pretty much in self-destruct mode all the time, and that's why I have such a huge problem with human psychology.

Anyway, he asked me to sit with him and help him to come up with the contents of the letter that he was going to leave on the store manager's desk. He didn't really want to say it in person, since he knew that it would lead to a very uncomfortable experience, but he didn't really know how he could write it down either. After all, it involved admitting that he was lying about being bullied by the other manager, and he figured that that wouldn't necessarily go down well. He was also concerned about the fact that he could still ruin the lives of the other manager's wife and kids by bringing it up. It sounded weak if he was to have that conversation out loud with the store manager, only for him to say that he didn't want the guy to face disciplinary action. And even if he found a way to make it sound pretty confident, he would need to find a way to convince the store manager that the only way was to change stores.

So we sat down and came up with a load of ideas. We started with discussions about how he would start the letter, and then eventually moved on to the reasons why he needed the transfer and nothing else would work. We determined that the guy had no car, so he had to walk to work and that was why he couldn't move to a different store instead. If he was to take a bus, he would have to fork out a load of extra money every month, which could mean that he or his wife would have to go without food sometimes. He couldn't change company completely because he figured that I wouldn't be able to pay for the rent and utility bills on my own whilst he searched for a new workplace and completed his first month there. And even if I did manage it, that initial period where he wasn't bringing money in would probably mean that both of us were in debt. That was something that he wanted to avoid more than anything.

As it was, the differing shift patterns didn't help in the slightest, since there were still ways for that manager to dig at him, and he couldn't really afford to become a regular member of staff in order to make the relationship seem right in the other manager's eyes. Every option that we thought up was wrong for some reason or another, and so the only option left was for him to change store. An internal transfer would not only be the easiest option for that other manager and his family, but it would also mean that we couldn't be accused of having conflicts of interest. There was no reason for us to be accused of hiding each other's mistakes, and there were no accusations of Seungcheol sponging off me. That was what we ended up writing in the letter in the end, along with a few comments on how he really enjoyed working underneath our store manager and was thankful for the opportunities that he was given.

In the end, we wrote up around five or six drafts before finally deciding on the one that would be handed in the following day. Seungcheol was nervous and I could tell right away. That was the first time where he couldn't sleep because of what was happening at work and whilst it certainly wasn't great that he spent the entire night struggling to get enough rest, I had to admit that I was relieved. Relieved to know that he hadn't suffered up until that point. At least, not when we got home. Relieved that he was restless because he just wanted to get it over and done with. Not because he was overthinking the bullying or anything like that.

I watched how his walk was filled with confidence as he made his way into work the following morning. He had the letter clutched in one hand and was holding my hand with the other. We were the first members of staff to arrive, so he unlocked the door and took me through to the back of the store so that I could find a headset and he could set up the focus board for the day. The letter was placed carefully on the store manager's desk, and then Seungcheol got straight to work. Every time people rang the bell, one of us would go out to let them in, and then we would continue with whatever we were doing until it was finally time for the morning meeting.

It was a relief that the day went past quickly. Seungcheol waited in anticipation for the store manager to see his letter for most of the day, but even he told me that the day was going past quickly. That was, of course, until the store manager finally came out of his office and made his way over to Seungcheol whilst we were in the middle of discussing what we needed to do for the rest of the shift. He waited patiently to one side, urging Seungcheol to continue, and so I quickly moved on as soon as I was allocated my tasks. As I was walking away, though, I heard the words that I'd been waiting to hear all day: "Can we have a quick chat in my office, please?"

It was a huge relief. His tone didn't sound angry or anything, and that made me feel so, so much better. It was a sign that he had taken the request seriously and was going to do something about the request. I couldn't think of anything better, especially seeing as Seungcheol had been hoping to hear about his request as soon as possible. Of course, I couldn't really wait for him or anything because I was trying to focus on my own work, but I did find myself checking here and there to see whether Seungcheol had finished the chat or not. The occasional peek into the room as I passed. Finding any excuses to go over to the delivery area so that I could check if he was back. Asking others if they had seen him so that he could help me to find a missing item. Just the usual things. I think everyone knew that I was nervous on his behalf, even though we hadn't told them what the plan was. A few of our colleagues took the time to comfort me by saying that they were sure that the chat was fine, but it didn't mean that I wasn't still antsy about it all. I needed to know exactly what was being said as soon as Seungcheol was out of the room.

It took almost an hour for him to get out in the end, which had me more worried than anything. If it wasn't for the fact that I could see the store manager smiling here and there as I passed, I would have ended up pacing around outside the room. I could feel the anxiety rising as I waited for him to get out, but then he eventually made his way out of the room and straight over to the delivery area again. I made sure to give it a minute so that it didn't look as if I'd spent all of my time anticipating his departure from the room, and then I slowly made my way over to where he was standing. "I sorted the store transfers," I told him with a cheery voice, trying my hardest to make it seem as if I was genuinely there to find what my next task was. Then I moved closer until we were almost touching before asking the question. "What did he say?"

Seungcheol gave me an uncomfortable smile. "He said that it wasn't possible at the moment."  
"What?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It sounded absolutely ridiculous; he was always a great member of staff and never caused any issues for anyone at work. This was the first time he'd asked for something that was so important for his health and wellbeing, but he was denied the opportunity. I was immediately left in two minds whether I wanted to storm in there and make a complaint, even though Seungcheol insisted that it was absolutely fine.  
"The other stores nearby aren't hiring at the moment. He called them up to check, but they all said that they weren't able to take on another member of staff. So he tried a few other stores a little bit further out but asked if there was any chance that they would be able to take both of us - you know, since we're living together and he doesn't want to separate us for a store transfer."

"And they said 'no' too?"  
"The nearest one that can take both of us is in Dongchon-ri. They're looking for a customer service advisor and a delivery manager. That's the only place, though."  
 _"Jangsu?"_ That was way too far. If they had said somewhere like Chungbuk, I would have been a little bit more inclined. It was still pretty far away from Seoul, but it wasn't so far that we wouldn't be able to see our friends and family as much as we wanted. Jangsu, on the other hand, was halfway across the country. I wasn't fond of moving that far. I let out a long sigh before running a hand over my face.

"I mean, if it's going to work out better for you, I can consider relocating that far away."  
"Fuck that - I'd prefer to find another job. Seoul is my home as much as it is yours, and I'd rather not move somewhere that's gonna be almost five hours away from here." I was actually really glad that he felt the same way about it. I don't know what I would have done if we moved to Jangsu together, especially when our relationship wasn't smooth enough for me to be certain that it was a great idea. If I needed to move out, it would cost almost fifty-three thousand won to get back to my parents' house, and I couldn't afford to spend that much on top of losing my job.

We were just going to have to think of another option.


	27. Chapter 27

Having a house where two adults are cohabiting and have no personal space is difficult. I'm not going to lie and tell you that it's easy because it really isn't easy at all. You see, any clashes are amplified. Every time you argue, one person has to leave for a little while, or else you risk making things a thousand times worse. And it's not great in that case. For starters, you go from being angry to being worried, even though you know that you shouldn't be worried about a grown adult going for a walk at night. The thing is, when you're a man who loves other men, your risk of experiencing hate crime is significantly higher than if you're completely heterosexual, and even if you're living in an area where people are generally accepting, there's always going to be a handful who hate you because of the person you fell in love with. Other things that aren't great are that once you part, the chances of apologising tend to be a lot lower, which can be damaging to your relationship, and you may also avoid coming to a conclusion. The conclusion is another important part so that you aren't stuck in the same loop every time you argue.

Now, typically Seungcheol and I were great when it came to arguments. We got things sorted pretty quickly, and then we didn't have those arguments again. Take the washing, for example. I might have mentioned this before, but I refused to wash anything that wasn't in the basket in our bedroom. Stray socks and boxers continued piling up around the house until Seungcheol realised that they weren't getting washed. We bickered about it, and as soon as we were done, he was not only doing the odd load of washing, but also made sure that all of his clothes were in the basket before bed every night. Easy as that. But the arguments that we were having at _this_ point in time were very different. We tried to sort things out, but the arguments would come up again n the future, and Seungcheol would often be so stressed that a simple discussion would end in shouting. I left a little bit of dirt in the bottom of the shower and he hit the roof. I forgot to feed the cat one morning and Seungcheol yelled at me. I accidentally shrunk his black trousers in the dryer and he threw a huge tantrum. There were a number of other occasions in which we clashed over every little thing, but they were so insignificant that I can't pick apart every single occasion. That's how petty it all was.

As you can imagine, though, I'm hardly the strongest person in this area. Someone hints that they're going to criticise me and I'm already crying. It's a bit different if I'm the one telling someone else that they're wrong but I honestly can't handle confrontation in the slightest. So every time Seungcheol started shouting at me, I would start crying. That annoyed him too, and it would result in him telling me that I was crying for attention. That I was doing it because I knew that I was in the wrong and I wanted sympathy for what I did. Of course, it wasn't the case at all. I was crying because it was intimidating and I didn't like him yelling at me like that. That was it. But he wasn't prepared to listen to me, instead deciding that I was guilty and needed to feel bad about it. I have to admit that even now, I worry about what men think about me. I'm constantly concerned that I'm not good enough; that they'll treat me just like he did and I won't be able to handle it. Our relationship was far from healthy, obviously, but I loved him too much to leave him.

It took me a long time to sober up. Almost a month, in fact. I thought that it would clear on its own but that was an unrealistic expectation. So I continued to wait until I could wait no longer and decided that we had two options.

It was no secret that Seungcheol's stress was coming as a direct result of working together. The other manager had made him feel as if we couldn't be in a relationship and so Seungcheol was taking it out on me when we got home. His emotions were misplaced and he wasn't necessarily picking the best ones to describe how he was truly feeling. It's a little thing that we like to call "defence mechanisms". Having not ever had the opportunity to develop his reactions to particularly stressful experiences, he was responding in immature and neurotic manners. In particular, projecting his paranoia onto me, acting out by expressing how he unconsciously felt during our arguments, and displacing his emotional impulses. Saying that, though, he still had no place to make me feel how I felt. 

You see, no person should ever make you feel like a disappointment because you make mistakes like that. No man has the right to shout at you until you cry yourself to sleep. I knew there was something good in him and that was the only reason why I didn't want to end things. The _only_ reason. If anyone else was in my position, I would have certainly pushed them to break up with their version of Seungcheol, and I wouldn't have stopped until I knew that they were safe. But I was keeping it inside, not even telling Jisoo about it anymore. I didn't want him to hold a grudge against Seungcheol. So I continued to hold it back more and more and more until I eventually cracked and burst into tears the minute he got home from work.

Seungcheol panicked right away. He thought I'd had some bad news or something, and so he rushed over to where I was sitting. Then I flinched as he went to touch me and his expression grew confused. It stayed that way for a long time as he just silently watched me crying, and then he eventually just took in a long breath. "Jeonghan, are you scared of me?" I couldn't say that I wasn't. I was just having a bad day and I didn't want any more conflict, but I suppose that I was misplacing all of those feelings too, to a degree.  
"Can I talk to you about something?" I asked without even bothering to answer his question. Of course, my voice was trembling and my eyes were still welling over with tears so he ended up dropping the question of whether I feared him or not, but I could still tell that it was on his mind. Nevertheless, he gave a nod.

"What is it?" he asked calmly. It was only at that point that I moved towards his arms and allowed him to embrace me. My heart was pounding hard in my chest but I did feel comfortable in his arms. When he wasn't shouting, he was a very gentle and loving partner, and that was the most important thing. It made the next part a little bit easier, even though it certainly wasn't a comfortable conversation to be having with anyone.  
"I think we need to do something about us," I told him. The confused expression returned.  
"What about us?"

It took all of my strength not to laugh. It was something that I immediately felt bitter about, even though I didn't really know whether I was within my rights to feel bitter about that sort of thing. His question seemed genuine, after all. He wasn't doing something to pull my leg. He wasn't trying to act as if I was making it up. No, he didn't seem to notice that there was anything wrong. Perhaps he wasn't conscious of the fact that we were arguing all of the time, or maybe the days were blurring together so much that we couldn't really tell when we'd argued and when we hadn't. Perhaps he even thought that it was normal for couples to argue as much as we did. But I couldn't have it. I wasn't prepared to let something like that take over my life. We'd done all of the regular arguments. Bills, chores, children. Those are the sorts of things that generally only need saying once or twice. But when you have everything and it's all coming out every single night, it's a bit different. A lot different, in fact.

So I told him exactly how it made me feel. No sugar-coating or pretending that it wasn't as big of a deal as it genuinely was. I told him that he kept making trivial things into huge problems and whilst I certainly wasn't perfect either, I couldn't stay in a relationship where I was crying myself to sleep. I have to admit, he did look a little bit irritable to start with, but then his expression changed completely when I admitted to crying over him. His eyes suddenly grew sad and all tension left his face right away, and he just looked so hurt by it that I couldn't help but feel a little bit bad for mentioning it. Then, to confirm, he repeated what I said. "You... you cry yourself to sleep because of me?"  
"Not all of the time. Just sometimes." Okay, _that_ was a little bit of an under-exaggeration. It was around half of the time by that point, but I did genuinely feel bothered by the hurt on his face. It was something that I didn't really want to have to see, and I wanted nothing less than to be the cause of it too.

"We have to sort out the arguments, then," he said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the entire world. "I don't want you to be in that position anymore. I can't have it. I..." And then he paused for a minute. We made eye contact and I felt my heart crush under the weight of the hand that he pressed to my cheek. The hurt was even more obvious in his eyes at that point in time, and I didn't even know what I could say to make things better. So I stayed silent until he finally decided to speak again. "I can't believe that I'm the sort of man who makes you cry. I didn't realise that it was going that far but there's no excuse for it. I love you, Jeonghan, and I want to change for you. What can I do to change so that you're not hurting anymore?"

If we're being completely honest here, I was surprised. I didn't really know what to make of the question but that was because I didn't expect it from him. Of course, I expected that he would want to make our relationship work and that he would be happy to try to fix things, but I didn't really think he would be that bothered by the idea of me crying myself to sleep. It was something that he obviously felt deeply about and that meant that I could see a genuine passion for making things right. It's the exact thing that really makes you realise that you want to be with a person for the rest of your life, and so I really recommend checking this sort of thing with a partner. How do they respond to you telling them that they really upset you? Hopefully well enough to be able to make a few changes in your relationship so that you can live a happy life together.

The only real issue was that I had to try to come up with solutions on the spot. Of course, I announced right away that there were things that I could do, but that didn't really help him. The first I suggested was breaking up with him, and I immediately saw Seungcheol wincing in response to that. He knew that it was a perfectly reasonable option so he didn't get angry with me or anything, but it was clear that he didn't like it at all. He thought that the idea was awful, in fact. I could tell that much from the momentary grimace. But then he informed me that if it was my decision, he could only respect that. After hearing that he'd hurt me, he couldn't bring himself to try and convince me to stay. It wouldn't be right, he said, and so he refused to do it.

So I made sure to clarify that it was a last resort. I didn't want to break up either. It's not the sort of thing that I like to do, especially when I know that my feelings for a person are genuine. If I was trying to figure out whether I liked someone or not in the first place, I might reconsider and lean towards finishing our relationship, but this one was very different. I knew that I had feelings for him. We had a pet together. We were living in the same house and going to work together. We were a very domestic couple, and you don't just have a domestic relationship with someone who you might not even love. I saw a wave of relief hit him, even though I explained that I wasn't going to have it anymore, and so he quickly informed me that he wasn't going to let it happen again. He had promised aftercare, he said, and aftercare after an argument was just as important as aftercare following sex. The same sort of idea behind it, really.

I liked that. It made it easier to get to the next point, which was a lot nicer for both of us. I proposed the job change. I told him that I would find another job and hand in my notice. That way, he would have less hassle at work and we wouldn't have to worry about it coming up in the future either. And if we _did_ end up breaking up in the future, it would simply be a case of me moving out. We wouldn't have to ask our managers for different shifts or anything. We wouldn't have to battle with the rumours because people wouldn't be trying to interpret our every move. Seungcheol did try to argue with me, admittedly - he informed me that I shouldn't have to change my job for him and it wasn't my place to do that sort of thing - but I pointed out that it was probably harder for him to find another managerial job than it was for me to find another retail job. In fact, there was even a chance that I could upgrade and become something bigger, but Seungcheol would almost certainly need to start at the bottom again. And we couldn't afford that. We really couldn't afford that at all.

In the end, he had to accept it. It was the better option and it would probably end up diffusing the issues we had at work. Could the other manager complain if we weren't working together anymore? Not really, no. Would our other colleagues call him out if he continued to try and drag my name through the dirt after I moved out of the company? Of course. That was the whole point - we would both be free and that colleague's attitude would have to go. So I determined that I would start having a look for jobs when we got back from work the following day. I would apply to as many as possible and then give our store manager my notice as soon as I had the call to say that I had passed the interview. That was that. Nice and easy. We spent a few minutes planning how it was going to go down, and I genuinely felt a lot more confident about that idea once we'd have the chance to talk it through properly.

But then we moved on to the things that Seungcheol could do to make things better. And I had to admit, I didn't really know what to say to him. There were so many things that he could theoretically do to make sure that I felt more comfortable, but I didn't really know what I could suggest. Theory and reality are very different and some things that work in either may not work for the other. It was a bit of trial and error for the most part, I think, but I knew right away that Seungcheol wanted to see results. He didn't want to see me upset for a minute longer, even if I was to tell him that it was all a process. And I have to admit, I do think that there are inherently a few problems with expecting everything to come at once. I wasn't saying that I never wanted to feel hurt again or anything. Expecting too much too fast is what breaks relationships and ruins trust. But I knew that Seungcheol wanted that. He didn't want to see me upset in the slightest. I think he really blamed himself as soon as I told him about it, but taking it all on at once in order to be the best person possible won't help to lift that blame necessarily.

In the end, I decided that I would only tell him three things that I wanted to be improved. It was something that I would add to as things improved, I said. Seungcheol tried his hardest to protest but I made sure to be firm with him over it. After all, I couldn't risk it. There were so many things that could go wrong if I told him every little thing, as mentioned above. My chosen areas were as follows: raising his voice above speaking level when we were discussing things, calling me names, and going to bed without apologising.

Now, I have to admit that he did really try hard. He was still a little bit hot-headed at times, but at least he wasn't shouting when he was getting upset over things. It immediately diffused the situation, making sure that neither of us got too upset about the situation at hand. It's easy enough to let it build when you're yelling at someone, but keeping your voice calm really does help you to stay composed. It also helps to come up with more valid points, actually, so that your argument actually comes to a conclusion. That means that you're much less likely to fight over the same damn problems over and over again, which I really liked. I think that he took that one onboard really well. Likewise, he found that getting it all sorted was doable. Sometimes it was hard and we hadn't really finished the argument but then he figured that if one of us was tired, it was only right to put in place some sort of solution so that we would be able to get a little bit of rest and resume at another time if it was something we couldn't sort out properly.

That actually helped us a lot, if I'm being honest. You'd think that brushing things under the rug would be a bit counterproductive, but we found that it actually made things easier if we set aside some time to discuss it properly. Not finished by ten o'clock on Thursday? We'll get back to it at five o'clock on Friday, once we're home and we've had plenty of time to get comfortable at home. Perhaps we would order takeout or get something nice to drink as we spoke about it so that it would be a little bit more casual than the argument had been. It would mean that the topic wasn't associated with something bad too, which meant that we weren't on the defensive right from the start of the exchange. It really did help to make us both feel a lot calmer, I think, and so we found that more things were getting sorted every week.

The one thing that Seungcheol _did_ struggle on significantly, though, was the fact that I had asked to avoid name-calling.

Of course, the arguments weren't nearly as aggressive or long as they had been before the other suggestions were put in place, but it didn't mean that sometimes things didn't slip out. For example, I had forgotten that there was a punnet of grapes on the kitchen side and the cat almost got to them. Considering how many there were and that they're scented very sweetly, he would have probably ended up in a critical state or dead after eating them. Thankfully, Seungcheol had just caught him as he started sniffing at them, so the cat was unharmed. I, on the other hand, was spoken to quite firmly by Seungcheol when I came out of the bedroom. "Are you stupid, Jeonghan?" he asked me with an irritable expression. "The cat could have eaten your grapes and killed himself. Put them in the fridge next time."

Now, it wasn't quite an argument but it really stung nonetheless. I don't think that he said it to be intentionally cruel, but it really did upset me when he worded it like that. It made it seem as if I had done it intentionally. Of course, I just hadn't thought about it. People make those mistakes all the time. In fact, I'd never seen the cat on the kitchen side up until that point anyway, so I hadn't even considered that he would get up there and try to eat the fruit. It was a moment of negligence on my part. But then again - and as I said - mistakes happen. It doesn't make you an idiot, and it doesn't make you stupid. It doesn't matter whether the comment is off-hand or not; it's still not something that I wanted to hear.

So I started at him in silence until he realised what he'd said and apologised to me for it. "I hope that I don't hear that sort of language again," I told him. He continued apologising to me whenever he thought that he was about to slip up too, until he eventually managed to break the habit and avoid putting me down again. In fact, after the first few weeks, he only ever said things like that when he was clearly joking with me, which I appreciate more than I can explain in words.

And then, as you can imagine, we moved on to other things. The fact that he would start arguments as soon as we walked into the house. The way that sometimes it trickled into the workplace and he was incredibly dismissive towards me at times. The fact that we occasionally had make-up sex, instead of actually apologising to each other properly. The fact that old arguments were sometimes brought into the ones that we were having on completely separate topics. All of those things were fixed in their own time, with some being completely removed when another issue was addressed properly until we finally got to the point where our arguments were more discussions than anything else.

Now, you're probably thinking that I dealt with it all in a very mature way. I noticed ways that we could turn our arguments into something that was a lot healthier for both of us. I managed to change those little things about my boyfriend that made me feel negative, and that somehow meant that we were able to work things out. Our arguments decreased both in number and in the way that they developed. It's a huge achievement and something that I really do try to replicate nowadays too.

But interestingly, you'll find that this was the only thing that was genuinely mature about me back then.

Take job hunting, for example. The worst thing that I've ever experienced in my life. I was absolutely awful at it for a number of reasons. The first was that we spent an incredible amount of time trying to pick out jobs that actually took my interest. It didn't matter whether or not I was qualified for the job, and half of the time I would almost definitely be unable to get even an interview. There were some things that required a degree but I tried my hardest to convince the hiring managers that I would be able to do the job just as well. They just needed to be open to training me, I said. Unsurprisingly, I didn't manage to get any of those jobs in the end. It was just impossible, frankly.

Then I began to apply for everything, not even caring whether I liked the sound of the company or not. I have to admit, I found a lot more success that way. I ended up with around eight different interviews and I was absolutely over the moon when I saw the selection of emails in my inbox. But then the inevitable happened. Half of them weren't as impressed when I turned up to the interview and didn't have the personality that they wanted from candidates. Some found that I wasn't as good at thinking on the spot as they would have liked, and so they dropped me within minutes of parting ways with me. Some also found better candidates, which I had to admit was the better option for their company's development. 

In fact, I only managed to get lucky with one company in the end. They offered me a trial shift to see whether I could make any big sales and fit in with everyone else. I would be monitored the entire time, apparently, and then they were going to give me feedback. It was a very formal process and they had me working against six other candidates on the shop floor. The top three would end up being hired, apparently. So it was actually more of an extension of the interview process, rather than actually a sign that they wanted me to work with them.

Massively disappointing, especially when they decided that other candidates fit the role better than I did. Why? Because they made big sales in that trial shift and I didn't manage to do that. Instead, I was spending time getting the customers comfortable so that I could upsell the products a little bit easier. A customer who thinks you're there to help them typically buys more than a customer who thinks you're there to force more products onto them. This company didn't seem to think so, though, and so they told me that they didn't need me anymore. Incredibly sad, if you ask me, but there wasn't really that much that I could do to sway them. They had already made their decision and had told the other staff that they were going to have one of three places. The decision was final.

So, can you guess what I did next? That's right - I gave up.

I stopped searching for jobs. I would circle them in newspapers or click on links online, but I never really got around to getting a new job. My response to it all was incredibly immature, seeing as I was supposed to be a grown adult who genuinely wanted to get a new job and do something that made me happy, but I couldn't really help myself. As much as the other manager was really getting Seungcheol down, I found that I didn't have that much of a drive to get things sorted. My selfish inner-self was telling me that it was something that could wait and that we could sort it with time, and that was the side I finally let in when I was supposed to be taking initiative.

I do really think that a little part of me didn't want a new job, though. It didn't want to be in a position where Seungcheol and I were working in different places and weren't having the chance to spend time together. It wasn't prepared to make new friends and drop all of the friends that I had spent ages bonding with as the years passed. That little side of me was the side that sabotaged during the interviews, making sure that I was just average enough to not be offered the job. I knew that I could do it and that I had such good customer service and scenario-based experience that I could give a perfectly reasonable answer to every single question, but that didn't show in any of the interviews. And although I pretended that I was heartbroken when I didn't get the jobs, I think that the real emotion was relief. It meant at least a few more days of us working together, and I liked that.

The supposed search for jobs stopped after just a few months. I told Seungcheol that I had exhausted everything and not managed to get anywhere and whilst I expected that he would be incredibly disappointed in me, it turned out that he was fine with it. "If you've applied for all of them, that's all you can do," he said, "We'll just have to come up with another plan for how we're going to make this work."

Of course, I was quick to suggest that he actually tell the store manager about the things that were going on between him and the other manager. And as expected, Seungcheol rejected the idea again without even a moment of hesitation. Told me that it was the only thing that he wasn't going to do. No, instead, he was actually considering another option. He was just going to hand in his notice and find another job right away. They were probably more likely to take him if he showed that he didn't have another job.

I didn't really like the sound of that idea either but at the end of the day, it wasn't really my choice to make. I just had to support him through it as much as possible.


	28. Chapter 28

We spent forever trying to draft Seungcheol's resignation together.

You don't know how hard that sort of thing is until you're on a time limit. You have to come up with something quickly because otherwise, he's going to be in a position where the stress only builds further. And he doesn't want that. He can already feel the strains on our relationship when he shouts at me over trivial things, and I know that he can still see me shying away a little when he's a bit too loud. I knew he wouldn't hit me or anything, of course, but it's a natural response to that sort of thing. I've mentioned this before, obviously, but it's an incredibly important thing and we couldn't have that in our relationship. Not like this, anyway. But that only put more stress on things. Hence the fact that he was so concerned about getting it done in good time.

I've never seen a man crying from frustration like that before. It was so real and genuine that it honestly made my heart ache for him. The tears welled up in his eyes as he realised that he couldn't find the words to say how he was feeling, and he suddenly retracted. A rock and an island. Isolated and hard, and completely incapable of letting any other person into his mind for a brief period. I could see that telltale tendon in his temple tensing as he clenched his teeth. His face started to grow red and then he started to panic. There were a thousand things that he wanted to say all at once - stories about how he wasn't perfect but the other manager certainly wasn't perfect either, and how those collective stories contributed to his need to leave - but the words were a middle in his head and there was no chance in hell that they were going to make it out in the open, as far as he was concerned.

Eight sheets of paper later, and we'd only successfully mind-mapped the things he wanted to say. By that point, I was holding his left hand in my right, and I was gently stroking circles on it with my thumb. He was still teary-eyed - equal parts frustrated and humiliated that he was crying over frustration like that - but he was also patient and happy to take my suggestions. "I know it makes you uncomfortable to attribute unfavorable attributes to the guy, even though he has upset you," I told him, for example, "So how about we write this instead: 'I do not wish to drag this colleague through the dirt to justify my need to leave, but please know that this is more to do with an uncomfortable disagreement with them over my life choices, rather than an issue with your management, the company, or the promise of another job elsewhere.'" He breathed a sigh of relief as he gave a nod. It was a lot less anxiety-inducing for him that way, and he didn't necessarily need to give the proof of the argument as he might need to give proof of the poor attributes.

Other times, I reminded him of why he was actually writing it. He considered stopping it and whilst I obviously didn't try to push him to resign, I did point out how uncomfortable he was at work and how that feeling started feeding into his home life too. He was being the bigger person, as far as he was concerned - he was sparing the wife and children of a horrible man and taking the hits himself, when he didn't really need to do that sort of thing. He was a good man who cared about the welfare of others, even when he didn't think that he showed those sorts of attributes. Most importantly, he was the sort of boyfriend who wanted to offer me the world, even if I was being a brat or making our age gap obvious. I do think that it really helped him to put it into perspective, even though the writing process was hard.

All in all, it took three days to come up with something that he was happy to put on the store manager's desk. By that point, he was ready to get it over with and didn't even care that much what it said. It could have been complete garbage but he was ready to hand it in regardless. Just as a side note, though, it was probably one of the most formal and professional letters of resignation that I've seen. It gave a good amount of explanation for why he was leaving but didn't ramble too much. It related his experiences and developed skills to the real world, and it was so genuine that the store manager wouldn't even be able to argue with it. I was so proud of him and tried my hardest to express that to him frequently to encourage him to do exactly what he needed to do when we got into work the following day.

His hands were shaking all the way to work. I had to hold him the entire way and make sure that his legs didn't give out underneath him. We hardly talked, since he was just too anxious to chat about anything, especially irrevelant things, and so it was a relief when we finally got to work. Without another word, we made our way back straight over to the store manager's desk and placed the letter down where he would see it. Somewhere obvious where it would catch his eye. It was a huge relief that the guy hadn't turned up to work just yet, since Seungcheol's face was a ghostly white colour and it would have certainly captured his attention before the letter did. But, saying that, it wasn't that much better if any of our colleagues caught on either. We didn't know how it would go down with them. It could be ignored, of course, but it was much more likely that they would start asking questions.

And we wouldn't know how to answer. What could we say? Anything could come across as a hint to people who wanted answers. Any hint could be blown out of the water completely, to the point where we wouldn't be able to do much with it. We would have to either come out about it as quickly as possible or just simply watch everything crash and burn. And considering that the store manager didn't know just yet, it would have been both rude and incredibly inappropriate to tell everyone what was happening. Was the other option - to let everything all crash - better, though? Of course not. It wasn't good at all. It was something that would ultimately make our lives a living hell until we got the opportunity to actually tell them about it. At which point, the rumours would probably be so intense that we wouldn't be able to fix our image with a simple explanation about how Seungcheol was leaving.

We ended up having to sit in the breakroom for a while, sipping coffee together. There was plenty of time, after all, and so it wasn't all that difficult for us to relax whilst we were there. We had a bit of a chat about the sorts of things that we had to do today and what our plans were going to be, and Seungcheol eventually calmed to the point where he could put on a brave face and do his job again. I really loved seeing the confident steps that he was taking once the thoughts of his resignation were in the back of his mind. His usual cheeriness was coming out as he briefed our other colleagues, and then he remained just as bubbly on the exterior as we got the store open for the day. Naturally, though, he did slip me a sneaky kiss on the way over to the computer to thank me for bringing his mood up, but that was the last that was mentioned about it until the store manager came in a little while later and asked to speak to Seungcheol.

It was clear that he was nervous. I could see how unsure he was as he made his way over there. I don't think I've ever really seen a manager responding to something in that way before - at least not quite that nervously. Usually when they resign, there are some emotions. I won't deny them that. They know exactly what they're going in to do, but sometimes it's not what they want. They want to stay with the company for even longer but they know well that it's time to move on to bigger places. You see that one quite a lot, usually in the ones who have built up from customer service advisors to supervisors and managers. It's their home, in a way, so it's understandable when they get a little bit upset about things. Yet, you rarely see people going in looking as if they're about to wet themselves from nerves. That was what Seungcheol was experiencing, and he made that much obvious.

As I had done the last time he went in there, I proceeded to make every excuse to be near to the door. I wanted to be the first person to see him when he came out. I needed to be there to celebrate with him. He had taken a big step, of course, and so I wanted to see the relief on his face when he finally left the room and announced his freedom to me.

Except he didn't. The conversation was relatively short, especially in comparison to the last conversation that he had in the office with the store manager, but he didn't really seem to be all that happy when he came out. Instead, he was frowning slightly. He made his way straight back over to the delivery area, seemingly not noticing that I was there in the first place. I blinked a few times before making my way over to him. "Did something happen?" I asked. His eyes met mine. There was a weird look on his face; one that was unreadable and uncomfortable. He looked as if he was in a tough place and I didn't like that.  
"Can you come into the office for a second? I need to ask for your opinion on it all. Don't worry about continuing with the picks. Just pause your headset and let Minghao get them."

I couldn't protest to that. Without questioning it at all, I followed him straight into the office, where we sat down and turned our chairs to face each other. Seungcheol's expression remained unreadable for a moment, then he gave a little sigh and ran both hands up his face and through his hair. "Okay," he started, his voice sounding uncomfortable right away. "So here's the deal. He said no." I waited for a moment to see if he was going to continue, but he had seemingly paused for me to react to it.  
"Right," I said slowly. Seungcheol took in a deep breath and let it out. At that point, I had already worked out what was happening. He had been in a negotiation and was trying to get me to help him come to a decision. That was why we were in the office together.

"But he has actually provided some solutions." Unsurprisingly so. "He figured out who was bothering me right away, so he suggested that he can move store and I'll stay here. If he refuses to relocate, that's not our problem. After all, we're providing a solution to the problem that he caused, and only because I said I didn't want him to be without a job because of his family. Otherwise, he could have been fired right away for harassment, being hateful towards LGBT colleagues, and bullying." Okay, I didn't really think that that would have been a solution, but I was hardly complaining. After all, it meant that he would be out of the way for good and we wouldn't have to worry about the issues that came alongside scheduling shifts to avoid each other.

"And then he offered me a pay rise. Said that I've worked incredibly hard over the past few months. You know, with all of this going on in the background, going over to that seminar with you for a weekend, reporting it all back to the rest of the group and helping to train people on the new concepts, taking on the extra shifts when the other delivery manager left, and helping the new delivery staff to get their bearings. He said that it was a lot to take on, especially when I have a load of other things on my plate too. So he said that I deserved to have a few thousand won extra in my paycheck each month. Almost two thousand won extra per hour, actually. But I don't know whether I should take it or not. It seems like coersion to me."

I didn't expect that either. I was probably staring at him like a startled animal or something. Individual pay rises in retail were pretty much unheard of, as far as I was concerned. Other than when someone got a promotion, they hardly ever got pay rises. The only time they really happened was if the head office was to announce that they wanted to have either a regional or national pay rise so that staff could have a fairer wage. It usually came around times of monetary inflation, or if the cost of living in the area dramatically increased alongside industrialisation, to the point where staff were unable to have a stable home life or were on the verge of losing their homes. Seeing as we're in Korea and not somewhere that pushes for that, like America, it's not that common to have that sort of situation, but the policy is still there as a back-up.

On a technicality, he was getting a sort of promotion. Not in the sense that he would be above the other managers or anything, but more in the sense that he was more experienced and had a few additional responsibilities. He was pretty much the caretaker for the other members of staff - particularly the ones who helped out with deliveries at any point in time, but he was more than happy to help out on the tills or collection points too - and that was what set him above everyone else.

"Do you realise what it means, though? He didn't want to lose you from his core team and instead, he wanted to give you a better offer so that you know how much you're wanted here. He's getting rid of another member of staff so that he can keep you. Seungcheol, does that not make you feel good about yourself?" He hesitated for a moment, but then I saw the slightest crack of a smile starting to peek through. He _was_ happy with the offer, but he had been trying to act as if he didn't know what he wanted. When he said it out loud, though, he knew what his answer was going to be. There was no question about that. It was the only logical response, seeing as he was being given more than he asked for in return and he genuinely liked working there so much that he couldn't reject the offer.  
"I'm going to go and tell him that I accept it now, then."

I was proud of him. Incredibly proud. All of his hard work and effort had paid off. We were going to be getting rid of the manager who was making him stressed and angry all of the time, and he would have a few extra thousand won per month to go towards whatever he wanted. As it was, he would be able to pay off his debt that little bit quicker, and we would probably have a little bit more to be able to spend on things that we needed too. We could get a better fridge, for example, or we could put it towards a break. Mind you, I wasn't trying to spend his money for him or anything. I didn't suggest these sorts of things out loud, but it was clear that we were both considering it. After all, you can be sensible with your first paycheck like this, or you can get all of your greedy needs out of the way first so that you're not treating yourself every single month. Seungcheol knew that he wanted to do something for us and use some to get rid of more of his debt, and so that was that.

Thankfully, we were only around halfway through the month at that point in time, which meant that the check at the end of the month would have around two weeks' worth of increased wage. I distinctly remember us trying to figure that bit out, actually, until we remembered that unlike a lot of companies, our one paid out for the hours worked that month. It's more common for a place to pay you for the month before, I've heard - for example, your February wage will reflect the hours that you worked in January - but our company pays you for the month that you just worked - so your February wage would reflect the hours between 19th January and 19th February, and would then find it's way into your bank account on 25th February. Hard to get your head around, I know. That's why we were struggling to figure it out.

Those two weeks went incredibly quickly, actually. We watched as the other manager was offered a job at another store, with a suggestion that he should take the offer or else risk losing his job for good. To start with, he refused to accept the transfer - it was a matter of principle, he said - but when he realised that the store manager wasn't going to back down and let him stay, he finally accepted the offer and moved to the other store. It felt as if all peace had been restored. I've not felt such relief before in my entire life. I think that all of the stress we'd been experiencing slithered away as soon as his final day arrived, and we ended up going home and feeling a lot more comfortable in ourselves as we spent the evening cuddling up on the sofa.

Then my parents ended up visiting for a little while. They brought dinner over to our place - having figured that I would have missed my mother's cooking - and so we ended up having a really nice meal with them at the table. They pointed out how they missed us being at their place and how it didn't feel the same when they came over to visit us instead. I think I quite liked knowing that I was missed, even though I think they could sense that I didn't want to have to move back in with them at any point in the future. They were trying to hint it a little bit and I pretended not to notice, but I don't think they were that insulted by it. After all, they seemed to be cheery the entire time and even promised that they would be over whenever we wanted them to visit again. They did ask that we visit them too, of course, but identified that we were probably pretty busy with work, so it wasn't necessarily going to work out perfectly and as planned.

Finally, payday arrived. We made sure to go to the bank before work that day, figuring that it would be best to be able to see just how much we'd manage to bring in over the month. Mine was just as expected - a similar wage to what I usually got - but Seungcheol's wage had shot right up. He took in a sharp breath as he saw it and so I stood awkwardly at the side, waiting for him to tell me whether it was good or bad news. Instead, though, he encouraged me to move closer and take a look. And I almost had the same reaction. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, considering that it was usually pretty low. Between taxes and the money that was taken out immediately to pay off some of his debt, the result was usually just enough to cover the basics. But this time, it was so high that I didn't know what to say. His wage had increased so dramatically over the space of two weeks, and it was such a huge relief that I couldn't believe even find the words to tell him how happy I was. He pulled me into his arms and kissed my hair, and then promptly took my hand in his own so that we could continue on our way to work together.

"We're going on a date tonight so that we can celebrate. I'm gonna get you something nice after work, and then we're gonna spend our time doing something that you'd like to do. Is there anything that comes to mind right away?" My mind suddenly flashed to something that I'd been considering for some time. Something that I'd never really thought to suggest to him before.  
"How about a pottery class, a street food dinner, then visiting a jjimjilbang before cuddling up at home for the rest of the night?" I watched as his eyes lit up right away. It was something new that we'd never done together. A bit of an extended date, I suppose. The entire thing would probably cost around 120,000W for both of us, which wasn't too bad at all, considering how much we would actually get out of it.

I ended up researching places during my break and then Seungcheol booked the class when he went for his. It started at four o'clock, which gave us plenty of time to get there. We finished at one o'clock, so we had the chance to go home and get ready first. We ended up spending a good amount of time picking out what clothes we were going to wear, just so that we didn't end up getting too messy nor looking too grubby at the same time. So then we finished up by packing everything we needed for the bath house and finally made our way across the city to get to the pottery class. It was being held in near to Sindap station, which was a bit of a pain - we were coming from near to Bangbae station, which meant that we would definitely need to get the subway there. It was around forty minutes on Seoul Subway Line Two, with a direction change at Seongsu and thankfully, the class was held just two blocks away from the station. Nice and easy.

I have to admit, I loved it. We were sat next to each other, learning how to make tea sets. Two mugs and a saucer each. It took a little while to get the hang of it - and Seungcheol's looked significantly better than mine, which was simultaneously encouraging and disheartening, considering that I was the one who suggested it in the first place - but we both ended up having something great to show for it. They looked like something I would proudly display in our house, if I'm completely honest, and I was so happy to see them looking just as good when they had been fired. We gave a little bit of time for them to dry, and then gave a lick of paint and sealant before putting them to one side. The teacher informed us that she would get them sent to our home address in a week so that we would be able to use them ourselves. I liked that, honestly. It made me feel as if we did a good job, and I was excited to be able to use our tea set at home for every single possible occasion.

Following the class, we went straight to the markets for the food. It was a little bit easier that time because we could take the 370 bus to Gwangjang market and stock up as much as possible. Seungcheol's biggest mistake there was to tell me that I could have anything I wanted. Of course, I did end up buying myself things whilst he wasn't looking, but the big problem with it was that I ended up eating so much that my stomach was bloated and swollen. It was all incredibly cheap, too - a maximum of 3,000W per item of food - and so we ended up having everything from kimbap to bindaetteok by the time we decided that it was time to go to the bath house. I distinctly remember Seungcheol having to support me as we walked together because I was just so full of food, and I was so concerned that we were going to be judged when we went into the bath house because of how much my stomach was pushed out. It was clear that it was a direct result of eating too much food before the final outing of our date and _that_ was what I would be judged on heavily - not being able to control how much I had eaten in one go.

Thankfully, it was pretty empty, though. At least in the public areas. Most people were either in the baths or making their way out of the place, rather than being in the shower area. We managed to get undressed and make our way through to the building without it being too awkward. I didn't feel too much of an urge to cover my swollen stomach whilst we were having our initial wash and I made sure to keep my eyes down as we entered the tub, just in case. It meant that I couldn't see it if anyone actually was judging me over my appearance, and so I felt a lot less self-conscious about it. In fact, I was more than happy to make my way over to the side with Seungcheol so that we could relax together and have a very quiet chat about life away from everyone else.

The water felt great and I knew right away that it was going to be a great experience. We spent almost half an hour in the water - until both of us could feel our hearts pounding from the heat of the water engulfing us - and then we promptly made our way into into the scrubbing area. Seungcheol decided that I deserved the mitt first; he promptly put it on and started to rub me vigorously until my skin was smooth to the touch. I felt like my body was made of silk - my first experience of that, despite having lived in Korea for my entire life - and I absolutely loved it. Once he had finished and I had showered off all of the dead skin again, I moved on to him. Scrubbing him with just as much enthusiasm until his body felt the same way. It was the perfect way to finish our time at the bath house. I felt as if I was a completely new person and I could see right away that Seungcheol felt the same, and so we were walking on air as we paid our tab and made our way out of the place.

By that point, it was getting late. Not too late or anything, but late enough for us to not feel bad about going home and spending the rest of the night relaxing. We had spent a lot of time working, after all, and now we had treated ourselves. Our responsibilities could easily be put to one side for the night as not to ruin the comfort that we had spent so long acquiring. So that was exactly what we did. We took the subway straight home, then curled up in bed together. Nothing too physical, but still with very direct skin contact. Clothes were shedded so that we could feel the warmth and softness of skin, but it went no further than that. Naturally, after such a busy day, it didn't take too long for us to fall asleep in each other's arms. Soppy and a little bit cliche, I know, but it was a sign that the stresses of life were pushed to one side for a little while. It was a sign that we had made it over another hurdle, and so we had a bit of a chance to take a breath and enjoy being a couple for as long as it lasted.

As you could already guess, though, we both knew that we weren't going to be out of the woods for too long. Problems like this will always find their way over to people in our position. Working class, part of a minority group, retail staff on an hourly wage. Those were all contributing factors towards stressors being amplified. You know, that's why I think that so many members of staff in shops get so ill all of the time. Whilst it's certainly not the worst situation in Korea and your employers will tend to look after you well, I do still worry that the stress of these sorts of jobs where you have time constraints and a hundred different tasks to complete every day is enough to cause health issues. And it's even worse when you have other stresses in life too. Of course, though, _those_ stressors would likely still cause problems for upper middle-class heterosexual couples who were working contracted jobs elsewhere and earning an average of 4.39 million won per calendar month, but it usually wouldn't be anywhere near as much stress as we were under in that financial and economical position.

But we were going to fight through it. We knew what we needed to do and where we needed to be, and so we were well-prepared to fight against those stressors whenever they chose to surface again. We were building on a solid foundation for our relationship and we knew where we stood with each other. We knew what the other person's limits were and we knew how to work around them so that everyone was happy, comfortable, and getting an adult relationship that met all of their needs.

It was just unfortunate that it happened so soon after we thought we were in the clear.


	29. Chapter 29

The worst mistake that we ever made in our relationship was trying to move houses.

We had been sat on the sofa together when we decided that it would be a good idea. Just relaxing together and watching a little bit of television. There was a show about young couples who were trying to find their dream home so that they could get settled and start a family together. Of course, Seungcheol and I were happily making comments about the couples as they were going along. One couple spent most of the time arguing, and so we figured that they probably weren't going to make it to their first wedding anniversary. Another couple spent the entire time cuddling up with each other, which suggested that they were still in the honeymoon phase and they had perhaps rushed into a relationship. Another couple just wanted to get the first place they found because they were expecting a child and they were concerned that they just needed to move out of his parents' house before the baby was born.

So basically, it was all of the things you wouldn't want to experience in your own life. The things that would make you cringe if you found out that your friend was going through it. But that was when Seungcheol turned to me and informed me that we would do pretty well with that sort of thing. We were on the same wavelength, and we knew exactly what we would do with a house if we got one together. It would be suited to both of us, with our own separated space as well as some space to be together. I wanted a room that I could decorate with things that inspired me, whilst Seungcheol wanted a clean office space where he could clear his head. Then none of the other rooms really mattered, so long as there was enough space for the cat to explore and enjoy himself. 

Now, I wasn't really expecting Seungcheol to be serious about searching for a place together but by the time I got home from work the following day, he had scoured through the internet to find a number of different places for us to check out together. "They have viewings for the next couple of weeks," he told me, "So we can go whenever we're free from work. Just let me know what your timetable is, I'll add mine in there, and we'll use whatever time we have to find a place together. If you'd like to do that, of course." Only at that point did he flash me a curious smile, having forgotten that he hadn't even checked in with me first. He had just been going through and trying his hardest to find places for us to visit. I wasn't going to deny him, though. I had to admit it; the place we were living at was pretty bad. Clean and pest-free, of course, but there wasn't enough space for us to live. Between the three of us, we were constantly getting in each other's way. And there was absolutely no space for us to get away from each other, which made things even more difficult right away.

Seungcheol was incredibly quick to book all of the houses that were available, within the reasonable limit that we would be able to afford per month, and with enough space for all of us. Surprisingly, there weren't too many landlords who were happy to rent to people who owned pets or weren't working contracted jobs, but I think at least that narrowed it down quite significantly for us. And so once it was all arranged, we waited patiently for the first viewing day. Time trickled by slowly, as you'd expect, but it wasn't too long before we were making our way straight over to the property, where we were promptly shown around the place and given some reasonable asking prices and contract lengths. Then the same for the next one and the one after that.

They were nice places, I have to admit. Seungcheol was incredible at picking out places that we would both like. I think there were positives and negatives for all of the places, but that was inevitable on our budget. You can't expect to have the perfect place with the exact right number of rooms with the exact right amount of space, and so I think we did pretty well finding places that we would happily live in together. And even more so when we began to order them based on how we felt about all of the different places. We rated them on everything from the quality to the space to the general feelings we had inside of the homes, and I was so, so happy that we weren't like those couples in the television programmes who would complain because they thought one thing and their partner thought something completely different. No, we were winning and I constantly found that I was excited for the upcoming places.

Or at least, I was excited for them until we found one particular place with an incredibly talkative estate agent. Which, in itself, isn't necessarily a bad thing. You know, you can meet an incredibly chatty person who you really like. That person might be able to convince you that the purchase is going to change your life, and so you end up getting something that you genuinely need that's of a great quality too. But in this case, it was a bit too personal at times. I don't think that she was born in Korea, since her customs were very Western, and I also think that she was trying to drop in there that she considered herself to be an ally to gay couples by trying to normalise us as much as possible. Unfortunately for her, it just made things incredibly uncomfortable for me. And I know what you're going to say. "Jeonghan, you're always piping on about how regularity is sexy and you want your life to be normal because it would be hot!" Well, there's always too much of a good thing, and this was certainly one of those cases.

When she first saw us, she blinked a few times before breaking into a huge smile. I don't think she realised that Seungcheol was going to bring a male partner along with him to look at the house, but it seemingly wasn't something that bothered her. A good start, I figured. "Oh, it's great to meet you both! Mr Choi and..." She paused for a second, turning her attention to me.  
"Mr Yoon."  
"Thank you. I'm your estate agent for the day, and I'll be the one to show you around and put in any offers, should you wish to secure the place today. Now, is this your first place together?" Seungcheol informed her that we were currently in a place but we were looking for somewhere a little bit better so that we could be a little bit more comfortable, but then she immediately put her foot right in it.

"Are we just looking for a change of environment, or are we planning for any little ones, perhaps? It would certainly be the perfect place to raise a family. A good size for kids to grow up, and in a great neighbourhood for schools." And naturally, the tension came rushing back within a few seconds. That tension that had cost us the soundness of our relationship. The one that made Seungcheol cry and me walk out on him for a few days. And it was worse than I could possibly imagine. Seungcheol and I responded in a completely different way from each other.  
"Not yet, but maybe we'll have a few little ones running around in a couple of years," Seungcheol announced with a playful smile and a happy look on his face.  
"I think children are completely off the table for now," I said at the exact same time.

And then we turned to stare at each other. The three of us, not just Seungcheol and I. Now, I don't know if you've felt how uncomfortable that is - when you and your partner disagree on something so big in front of someone you don't really know well enough to bicker in front of them a bit - but it was a pretty uncomfortable experience. Instead of addressing it, though, I just grabbed his hand tighter and continued walking with my head down. I was embarrassed and it was the last thing that I really wanted to have to discuss it, and so I hoped more than anything that the topic of conversation would be dropped completely. But then it had to move on to something else. That's always the way when you're in uncomfortable situations with people. They start to dig the hole deeper and deeper until they don't know what to do with themselves, and then you're expected to forgive them for being so utterly useless at making conversation. It's typical, you know.

We entered the house and started looking around. Thankfully, it was incredibly pretty because otherwise, I would have simply suggested that we leave as soon as possible. I was on edge and incredibly anxious, and the last thing I really wanted to do was deal with more of that. Of course, we both knew that it wasn't going to stop where it had been. The agent didn't seem to be very experienced with couples like us, which made for a number of incredibly uncomfortable situations. "Here's the kitchen," she said, for example. "Now, do you both like having guests over for get-togethers? I can imagine you probably have lots of friends." Seungcheol said that he felt incredibly self-conscious whenever he had guests over, whereas I said that I loved having people over.

We moved to the bathroom and had a similar situation. I'm the sort who likes cuddling in the bath and rough shower sex. I won't pretend that I don't enjoy that sort of thing because I genuinely find it a lot more relaxing to do things like that. But Seungcheol prefers to be in and out of the bath or shower as quickly as possible. He has to be in the mood to cuddle with me in the bath, even though we've done it here and there. Either way, though, it's a very personal thing and the topic of shared bathing is a bit of an uncomfortable one, even when someone is clearly trying to make a joke about it. This time, there was no question behind it but it didn't stop it from being awkward. After all, sexy time is private time, and that's what you have to keep in mind when you're talking to couples in a way that could be taken as bringing up private things like that.

And again when we got to the bedroom. You can imagine exactly how things went down as soon as we walked in and saw the bed. We knew right away that she was going to comment on that when we walked in and surely enough, she delivered. "As you can see in here, the walls are painted in beautiful greys at the moment, and that gives the room a very mature edge. Between that and the size of the bed, you can really enjoy the room without having to worry about your room appearing too child-like. Is that something that sits well with you both?" This time, I couldn't bring myself to answer. I could feel the embarrassment washing over my body. I wanted to be swallowed by the ground. The fact of the matter was that I was now thinking about how a stranger was referencing our sex life. Of course, I don't really think that it was her fault. She was trying to be friendly with us, figuring that we were younger and so we would be more comfortable with talking about personal experiences. But in this case, Seungcheol had to awkwardly answer that we liked the mature edge to the room and it made it very clear that we were stepping up to become proper adults.

I thought that perhaps she had sensed the discomfort a bit, since she seemed a little bit more hesitant to say much more about it and kept things under wraps for the rest of the house. That was the only reason why I didn't end up suggesting that we had seen all we needed to see. Even though the house itself won me over, I wanted nothing more than to call up the estate agents to tell them about the fact that she was a bit too intrusive and friendly with us, rather than being simply polite and distant. But neither Seungcheol or I were particularly argumentative. Neither of us planned to cause problems for any member of staff. We were more likely to let things happen to us and accept it from there. If we didn't like the service we received, we just wouldn't return to a place and would suggest our friends avoid it too. That was the way our generation worked. So we ended up just continuing with the tour of the house until we eventually reached the back garden and it all kicked off again.

"So, I can't help but notice that neither of you is wearing rings," she started, and then paused when we got into the garden. "Please stop me if I'm being intrusive here but I would certainly say that with the size of the garden, it would be a lovely place to do anything, really. Engagement shoots, summer wedding after-parties, getting the parents together for the afternoon..." And then she waited for us to make a comment on it. So we had a repeat of the last time she brought up a touchy comment.  
"Oh, I think it's way too far in the future to think about weddings. We'll be waiting for at least a year or two before I ask him to marry me and the parents aren't meeting until after we've considered how we're going to spend our life together," Seungcheol announced in one big blur.  
"I won't even consider a proposal until we've been together for at least five years and by that time, there'a high chance that we will have moved on from this place," I blurted out alongside his comment.

Thankfully, Seungcheol had grown sick of the fact that we were essentially pitted against each other every time we got a question - much like the couples from the television show - and so he decided that it was time to get playful with me. "You say that, but I'm sure you'll accept my proposal if you come into the garden to see that it's filled with ten thousand of your favourite flowers." And it calmed me for a minute. It really did. The tension was still there, to a degree, but it was a lot less tense than it would have been, had he not said anything at all. Had he just allowed the tension to continue to build between us, I don't think we would have made it out of the property before I got upset. Instead, we managed to get all the way through and thank the agent - half-heartedly, as you can imagine, but still certainly thanked her for her time - and then set on our way home before I even started to tear up over it.

It took a minute or two for Seungcheol to realise that I was crying, actually. It's not something that I hold against him, but it's still something that I felt should have been obvious right from the start. Not only did I feel as if my privacy had been invaded a bit too much for my liking, even when I knew that she was trying her hardest to engage us with the house, but I also felt as if we were an awful couple. As if we were polar opposites who were trying to make a relationship work. After all, how could we possibly get a house together if we couldn't even agree on the basics? If we couldn't agree on whether we liked to have house parties and whether we were going to have children and when we would get engaged. Those were very simple things that often came up pretty early in relationships.

I mean, we weren't going to sit there and have a lengthy discussion about children that resulted in us picking out names or discussing what school we wanted them to attend in the early days of our relationship, but we should have at least established whether we were going to consider them or not by that point in time. And considering that I'd told him that I wasn't sure about having children, I didn't appreciate Seungcheol telling the agent that there was a chance in the next few years. It made me seem as if I was the bad guy for denying him a family. Everything else could possibly be forgiven, to be fair. We could compromise and have a house party once a month or so if he really liked them but I didn't enjoy them at all. In today's society, a couple doesn't need to be married to have a family and a lot of couples have varying views on that sort of thing.

But denying someone a child was something that made someone seem like an awful person. It made _me_ seem like an awful person. Can you imagine it? You meet two people and one happily tells you that he'd like to have children in the future, whilst the other insists that they're not going to even consider children? It sounds horrible, I think, and it's just as bad for the one who doesn't want children to force the other to not have them as it would be if it was the other way around.

And so, even though I was absolutely convinced that we had passed the argument about kids and having a family together, the can of worms had been pried back open and we were left having to deal with the fact that we wanted different things entirely.

I say that it opened again, but it did actually end up staying on standby until we got home. And yes, that's even after Seungcheol caught me crying on the way home. He knew not to bring it up with me because he knew that it would make things worse and we would end up having an argument in a public place. I appreciated that because the last thing I really wanted was to embarrass myself in front of even more strangers. One was enough, and so I kept my mouth shut until we were finally home too. But then it all spilt out at once. All of my emotions flooded into the living room as I walked in and tossed myself down onto the sofa.

"God, I'm so embarrassed over all of that. I don't think I can look at another house after what happened back there." Seungcheol didn't say a word. So I tried my hardest to wipe my eyes and let out an exasperated laugh instead. "I just... I've been thinking about it and I don't think now is the right time for us to be searching for a place together. You know, after all of that."  
"Wait, are you serious?" he quickly asked. At least he responded to that, I supposed. It wasn't the best thing in the world, since I had sprung it upon him so suddenly and all, but I guessed that it was enough to surprise him and that much was important in itself.  
"Of course I'm serious," I told him without any hesitation. "It was such an uncomfortable experience and I've been put off for a while. Plus I think it really highlighted how different we are, which is going to cause a load of problems too."

"Different is good," he started. I could tell from the way that he said it that he had fully committed to convincing me of that fact, only to realise that he didn't have much to follow it up with at all. That in itself made for an uncomfortable silence until I encouraged him to tell me a little bit more about how different was good in this sort of situation. "I mean, we can't be the same person," Seungcheol added, again falling short. "We can have different opinions on things and still be a great couple. My cousin and her husband disagree on a lot of things and they're still married after ten years."  
"But did they disagree on when they were going to get engaged?"  
"No, but--"  
"And did they disagree on whether or not to have children?"  
Pause. "No."

I didn't need to say anything else. My point had been made and I knew that Seungcheol couldn't really add anything after I had shut him down like that. What _could_ he say? His cousin had argued on the colour of the walls or the type of car that they would drive? That she wanted to invite both her dad and her step-dad to the wedding, even though her husband insisted that it was going to make for an awkward wedding when both sets of parents met each other? Of course, we weren't going to be the only couple in the world to be facing difficulties and we certainly weren't the only ones facing our specific issues, but it didn't mean that it was any less difficult. It was our reality, after all, and every couple faced it in different ways. One couple might break up as soon as they realised that they felt so differently about things. Other couples might instead work through it and end up coming to a better outcome after a couple of years of fighting for their relationship. And there would be a good portion of couples between the two polars. For now, I didn't really know where we fell on that spectrum.

Saying that, though, you can tell what I veered towards at the beginning. I reminded Seungcheol that there was no shame in admitting that we were just too different to make things work and so we could easily just call it quits and admit that we'd done our best. We could still be friends - especially when we were working together and would be around each other on a regular basis - but friends obviously didn't have the obligations that we would have as a couple. No romantic affection or heavy skin contact. No issues with finances or paying the rent. No need to worry about our parents or how we presented ourselves in public or the inherent stigma that came alongside both being a homosexual couple and a manager-employee relationship. We were welcome to do some of those things, of course, but I was quick to point out that it could probably make things a hell of a lot easier for us all if we put ourselves in a position in which we didn't have to do that.

"Are you breaking up with me, Jeonghan?" Seungcheol asked right away. His expression showed off a mix of emotions, as if they were all laid out on a platter in front of me. Disgust and hurt. Pain, rejection, disappointment, anger, sadness. Distrust. There were so many emotions on his face, and none of them were positive. In fact, they were only made worse when I hesitated before giving my answer.  
"Seungcheol," I started, but he cut me off right away.  
"Because it's fine if you _are_ breaking up with me. I love you more than I can possibly describe, but I don't want to force you to stay in a relationship that makes you uncomfortable or anything. I'm not going to be that man."

He was trying to stay strong and that much was clear to me. His expression was moments away from crumbling. His lower lip was trembling slightly, and I could see that his breathing was growing a little bit heavier. Either from nerves or an early telltale sign that he was going to start crying. "I don't want to have to break up with you or anything. I want to keep fighting for our relationship. But I do think that we really need to take a step back and see what we can do about our relationship. I want you to sit with me and see what we can do to change things. I don't want to feel embarrassed about the fact that we have such differing opinions on such big matters." It seemed pretty self-explanatory, so I didn't quite get how he didn't understand it in the first place. I didn't think that I had to spell it all out to him. Having your partner feel humiliated over something that happened where you were both present was something that most people actively avoided, so I didn't really understand how he didn't take it as a given.

"So I'll change," he told me, nevertheless. "I won't ask you to marry me until we've had the chance to talk it through properly in a few years. And I guess it doesn't really matter how long it takes because we wouldn't actually be able to marry here anyway, so it would be an engagement just to show off how committed we are to our relationship. And I'll assume that we're not going to have children for now so that if it does end up happening in the future, it'll be a happy surprise."

I wanted to tell him that it wasn't that easy, but I didn't have the heart to do so when he was so sure that he should do it like that. After all, he had told me that he was going to try his hardest to be the man that I wanted him to be, and that was a big commitment. I knew that he was going to do it, too. That was just what Seungcheol was like. The problem was, though, that I didn't exactly mean it like that. I wanted to be able to change things as a couple. Come to a compromise and work on things together. It wasn't all Seungcheol's fault, after all; we were in it together, and so I wanted him to tell me how I could change for him as well. But he was insistent that it wasn't my place to change. "I'm the one who made you feel upset earlier today, so I'm the one who needs to change. I wasn't upset so I don't have the right to complain and ask you to change anything."

So I ended up having to try to figure it out on my own. Perhaps I could stop getting so worked up over the thought of having children. When we included pregnancy and fertilisation in the bedroom, I was comfortable with it. So why wasn't I comfortable with it when we were talking about hypothetical families in the future? Likewise, I figured that I could be a bit kinder to Seungcheol in general. Instead of making things out to be his fault using my tone of voice and choice of words, I needed to think about the way that he would take those sorts of things. It would end us in a situation like this, where we would be unable to compromise because Seungcheol had already decided that he was going to be the only one to change anything about himself. Of course, there were probably a number of other things too, but I was going to have to figure those out as time went on. It's not something that always comes to you right away, especially not when you're already feeling stressed and upset.

We ended up dropping the topic shortly after Seungcheol had reached that conclusion. I have to admit, I wasn't really finished. I wanted to come to a proper conclusion - one that would guarantee that we wouldn't be having the same conversation again in the upcoming weeks - but Seungcheol was insistent that we get on with the aftercare. We would be watching game shows together, since it took our minds off the whole idea of getting another place together. At least if you're watching a programme that encourages you to think about the answers, you're in a position where you can't overthink things. And if you're not trying hard enough to come to the right answer, the person next to you will find a way to encourage you to think about it more. It was as easy as that.

Saying that, though, I was anticipating the next time that it would come up and we would have the exact same argument. It's not one of those things that you can just brush under the rug because it'll be right back there to haunt you. And it's not something that people really want to experience over and over again. You don't really want _any_ argument to keep popping up in your relationship, to be honest, but never really coming to any solution at all for that very same problem is something that makes things a thousand times more difficult. At least, that's how I feel about it. I would much prefer to experience the same problem but try a number of different solutions so that we could come to understand the fact that the solution was in progress, whereas Seungcheol and I were in a loop where we would start to come to a solution, only for Seungcheol to cave and tell me that he would deal with it himself.

But at that point in time, I was too tired to argue with him. I had been emotionally drained, and I didn't know how well things were going to go for us if we were going to continue arguing about everything that had happened that day. So I cuddled against Seungcheol's side and we watched the shows until it was finally time for dinner, and then we promptly finished the night with food, a shared shower, and then the most empty-feeling sex I've ever experienced in my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm incredibly tired right now so I apologise for any mistakes that I've made here!! Proof-reading just isn't happening tonight :')
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	30. Chapter 30

That was actually the last time that we had sex in almost a month.

It was pretty damn depressing, you know. You're really in love with someone, and then something happens that's completely outside of your control and you can literally feel both the physical and romantic chemistry fizzling between you both.

It's something that I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemies. There's something inherently terrifying about that sort of thing happening. You can see it in both people. Seungcheol didn't seem that bothered about getting physical with me, and he ultimately ended up making every excuse in the book to avoid it. His back was hurting, his head was hurting, he was feeling sick. The workday had been too much on him, or he was incredibly stressed. But then I must have caught him masturbating on at least five or six occasions. It wasn't that his libido wasn't there. He just wasn't drawn to me. He didn't want to sleep with me because it didn't really get him going to think about me. I no longer made his heart race and his body get hot. Or at least, I didn't make him hot at that point in time. Of course, I wasn't exactly sure whether or not it was something to do with our argument or whether he just plainly and simply wasn't attracted to me anymore, but it really stung either way. You don't realise that until you're in that situation; you think that it'll be something that you'll overlook because you realise that it's not a huge deal if you're not having sex with someone, but then it really does start to affect you as time passes.

Likewise, though, I think he started to panic a bit when he realised that we hadn't even really kissed or cuddled much in that period either. We must have had dry spells every few days when it came to romance, which _really_ seemed to bother him a lot. We would sleep on opposite sides of the bed, under the claim that we were both too warm to be near another sticky body, and we sat side-by-side on the sofa without touching. I no longer offered up parting kisses when we were going to work at different times, and we didn't even really share any when we woke up or went to bed. I didn't really notice it all that much to begin with but then we finally kissed again and I felt a little tingle on my lips, and suddenly we were very aware of the fact that we hadn't kissed in so long that our bodies were reacting as if it was the first time we'd ever kissed each other. That is incredibly terrifying, might I add. It makes you think about everything that you've experienced and makes you very aware of the fact that your relationship isn't anywhere near as perfect as you pretend it is.

But we didn't address it at all during that month. You would expect that if two adults were both taking note of the fact that their relationship was dwindling, they would actually do something about it right away in order to spare what they have left. That's how most relationships work, after all, and it seems perfectly reasonable to try to make something of your relationship when you're in one. Why would you go out of your way to avoid it, after all? You would only be making things a thousand times worse later on down the line. Sometimes all these things need is a quick discussion and it's all sorted again. Sometimes you can break up on friendly terms in this case. But then the longer you leave it, the worse things get. Those things that could turn out fine may ultimately end up being the things that leave you unable to face the person again. And I think that's why people tell you not to date the people you're working with whilst you're both at the same branch. You'll go into it thinking that everything is fine and that you won't be one of those people who make things awkward, but then you'll end up not only causing problems for yourselves but for other people too.

In the end, I think it's the only reason why we actually ended up discussing it with each other. Our colleagues were starting to sense the tension and you know how it is with colleagues when there's a little bit of drama. They're hanging around you like flies, trying to find out every bit of information. "You don't seem like everything is well today. Do you want to talk about it?"  
"I've noticed that you haven't gone over to the delivery area to talk to Seungcheol today. Did you two have an argument or something?"  
"Someone said that you're looking a little bit tense and I have to agree. Is there something that we can do to help you with it?"  
"Would you like to have a chat in the office, Jeonghan?"

See, it's all masked as genuine concern, both from friends and regular colleagues. They act as if they genuinely want to know what's wrong; as if they're actually worried about you and want to be able to help you. But from a lot of people, you'll fine that it's all lies. It's their way of finding out information so that they can tell their friends and before you know it, the entire team knows that you're having problems in your relationship. Half of the people will be trying to act as if they're there to be your relationship counsellor, whilst the other half will be making the rumours even worse. Did you know that Seungcheol and Jeonghan are considering breaking up? Did you know that it's because Seungcheol cheated on him with someone who worked here ten years ago and Jeonghan cheated on him with someone from his high school? And now Jeonghan's parents are getting involved and they're having to go to court and the cat has to choose between them so that they can decide who gets to keep him?

It's pathetic and that was why I shouldn't have dated him in the first place. But we were already in that position and we were trying our best to stay professional, and so we ultimately ended up bringing it all up once we thought about just how much it was going to affect the people around us if we didn't end up addressing it - both in ways that they genuinely enjoyed because they were able to get their fair share of drama, and in ways that they didn't enjoy because of how uncomfortable everything would become. So we ended up agreeing to get some spirits, figuring that it was the best way to keep us both sane throughout the exchange, and then made some time after work to talk about it all as a couple.

I have to admit, it felt uncomfortable. Sitting there with your boyfriend thinking about all of the problems that you're having with your relationship isn't really my idea of fun, and neither of us really wanted to start it off. After all, what could you really start it with? Do you just sit there and tell your partner all of the things that you hate about them? Do you go into the details about how you feel in the relationship, or do you talk about the superficial factors that all of your colleagues are noticing? The moments of coldness towards each other and the fact that your usual morning peck - which you do when you think that no one is looking - is gone? That you're making every excuse to avoid each other at work, and you're barely able to keep your customer service face on for long enough to be able to push through? I don't know, I just really don't like it all that much, and Seungcheol didn't seem to be a huge fan either. So we ended up having to sit there for a little while and just drink until we didn't care so much, and then all of it was let out all at once so that we were forced to deal with the problem at hand.

"I'm really bothered about the fact that we haven't really cuddled in a while," Seungcheol told me, then promptly took a long swig so that I was forced to speak next.  
"I'm bothered about it too, but I'm not really getting that pull to sit here and cuddle you, you know." It was a bit harsh, but I think that we were past worrying about indirect feelings like that. After all, it wasn't as if I was telling him that it was a result of him being a bad person or anything. I was simply just stating that I wasn't feeling the cuddles as much as I would have done a month earlier. And actually, Seungcheol gave a little nod of agreement after I had said it.  
"It's weird because I'm feeling the same, but I'm still getting a bit of a push to cuddle someone. Does that make sense?"

"Someone else?" I asked. Seungcheol paused for a good thirty seconds before giving a shrug.  
"I don't know, actually. I get the urge but then it's gone by the time we actually have the chance to do so. But now that I'm thinking about it, I sort of want to cuddle but I don't want to make things awkward." It wasn't really going to be awkward, even though we were in a position where we were a little bit more cautious around each other. We both knew that. But it was already out so we had to pretend that it might be at least a little bit awkward. Seungcheol and I looked at each other for a few seconds, and then he nervously moved his arm to the side to invite me to move in that little bit closer to his body. Out of obligation alone, I decided that I would move closer and cuddle against his side. And as much as I was reluctant to do so, I have to admit that I did end up feeling a little bit better when we were touching each other.

I say 'a little bit', but I mean 'quite significantly', if I'm being absolutely honest with myself. I'm not sure if you know much about the biopsychology of physical relationships, reader, but it's actually quite a big thing. To cut a long discussion short, you'll find that when you make physical contact with a person you're attracted to, you'll end up producing a hormone called oxytocin. It's essentially the love hormone and it helps to increase the bonds between you and the other person. It's something that's also produced by lactating mothers when their babies are breastfeeding, to put it into perspective, and the presence of it is enough to make certain species of animals mate for life. As you can imagine, it would have also been produced when Seungcheol and I were snuggling up together on the sofa, and it instantly made me want to give up the discussion right away. I had certainly been starved for affection over the month, and so I gave in to the desire right away and decided to move as close as possible until it felt as if our heartbeats were starting to synchronise too.

And because I'm apparently a little bit of an oxytocin addict, I needed to push it that little bit further. "We haven't kissed much either," I blurted out without warning. Seungcheol seemed to be pretty surprised by the sudden outburst, but he failed to say anything in response. Instead, he just stroked my hair and asked if I wanted to kiss him. At that point, I did crumble. I told him that I didn't mind, which certainly meant yes but without actually saying it like that. He stared at me in silence, trying to figure out whether it would be the right move to just go ahead and kiss me then, but then I figured that it would probably be best just to take the five and get it out of the way. After all, I was the one who suggested it in the first place and so I should have taken responsibility for it as Seungcheol had done when we brought up cuddling.

Strangely, though, it wasn't quite as comfortable as the snuggles had been. I distinctly remember us bringing our lips together for a second, in a way that was significantly less passionate than I was used to experiencing with Choi Seungcheol, only for the sensation to be oddly... off. It didn't feel as if Seungcheol was the one who was kissing me. It felt as if I was kissing a stranger who I'd never really been attracted to in my life. And I didn't like that at all. It really made it feel as if our relationship was pointless; as if perhaps it was a warning sign that we just needed to drop it as soon as possible before we both ended up getting hurt. Seemingly, Seungcheol had felt the same sort of thing but luckily for me, it appeared that he wasn't going to just let it be as I was planning to do. No, he was determined to make something of it. He wanted to be able to kiss me properly and make it so that neither of us worried about the fact that we'd felt an unusual sensation when our lips first touched.

I was grateful for it. I honestly was. _That_ kiss was certainly something different. He brought our lips together very gently, but there was a romantic twist to it. He used his thumb to part my lips ever so slightly, and then kissed me again with the little gap left between our mouths. At that point, he began to kiss me over and over, as gently as he could manage until my body started to relax. Then his tongue slowly slipped out towards my lower lip and flashed across it. I caught it at the last second, making sure to coax it forwards again. That was probably the best kiss I had experienced in a long time, especially since Seungcheol made sure to draw it out for as long as physically possible, and it genuinely left my head feeling a bit fuzzy when we parted again.

By the time the kiss had finished, I genuinely felt tingles running over my skin. I felt as if someone had just blown cold air at the back of my neck, and as if it was our first time ever kissing each other. It's weird, you know. You think that your relationship is over and one kiss has the power to make you fall head over heels for him, and suddenly you want nothing more than to apologise for being so petty and ridiculous so that you can just get back to your regular life with him. Had I not been so insistent that we see the discussion through to the end to ensure that it never came up at work, I would have definitely let it slip again after that. In fact, I had to actually force myself to continue with it by bringing up how I felt about that kiss specifically. "You see," I started, "That kiss made it feel like our love is very much alive, but we've had so many weeks where it's just felt really uncomfortable. Do you see why I'm so worried about our future together?"

Seungcheol's face dropped. Apparently, he hadn't even realised that I had been considering the future of our relationship. He hadn't even thought about the fact that I was bothered by the problems that we had been facing - at least not to the degree that I actually _had_ been worrying about it all. "Is there something that caused everything to break down?" he asked me. I'm pretty sure that he already knew what the problem was, even though he tried his hardest to play dumb and act as if it wasn't to do with the house hunting. So I told him outright. I informed him that the issue was in the fact that we had massively differing feelings towards the topics of marriage and children, and that that was what had bothered me the most. He pointed out that we had slept together afterwards and it had been fine, but I confessed to him that the sex had been awful. That I had spent the entire time thinking about how I was going to deal with everything that was going on around me. I watched as he got a bit upset about it, but I was glad to see that he didn't deny that there was a problem there. He could understand why I was upset about it, and I honestly did appreciate that a lot.

And then he went to take the blame. He went to tell me that it was his fault that things were how they were and that he was going to find a way to change things. But I had anticipated it in advance and made sure to cut him short. "I don't like it when you do this," I told him firmly, "And I think that we need to sort this out right away. You see, by you telling me that it's your problem alone, you make me feel as if I'm a child and you're my parent. You'll fix everything and I'll never have to worry about it. But in reality, it makes me feel like shit. It really does. It makes me feel as if I'm not contributing towards the success of this relationship. And if it does end up collapsing in the future, I'll feel as if it's my fault because I didn't do enough to make things right between us."

I think I should have told him about it before we got to that point. Once we were there, I think he came to realise where I was coming from that little bit better. After all, I hadn't really explained it to him. I hadn't given him the opportunity to learn where I was coming from, and that was my biggest mistake. Instead of trying to argue with me about it that time, he just gave a little nod and apologised for making me feel like that about myself, before moving on to discuss the topic of marriage and children with me again. The topic that kept on giving, and ultimately caused the most stress in our relationship. "Were you serious when you said that you wouldn't consider marrying me for a couple of years?" he asked, and I nodded right away.  
"I can't marry someone too quickly. I've seen how so many marriages end, and I wouldn't want to see us in that position because we've come to a point where we've realised that we rushed into getting married. And besides, we can't even do that just yet."

Seungcheol still looked a little bit irked when I reminded him that we couldn't legally marry in Korea. I watched as his face twitched slightly, and then his eyes dropped down into his lap. He began to play with his fingers, seemingly not knowing what to say, and then finally gave a little sigh as he began to twist his little finger. "It might be possible in the next few years, you know. With the rise in celebrities who are coming out as gay and bisexual, it wouldn't be too much of a surprise if more regular people start coming out too. And when there's the demand, they're going to end up having a talk about it. That's how these sorts of things work."  
"Seungcheol," I breathed, "It doesn't mean that I'm going to accept quicker. I'm sorry, but I'm genuinely concerned that rushing into a marriage would be a huge mistake for us." His eyes stayed on his hands as he twisted each of his fingers in turn. I could sense that we wanted to say something more, but he was a bit conscious about saying it. So naturally, I asked him about it.

"It's nothing," he lied. I could see that he was lying right away. It doesn't take a genius to tell when Choi Seungcheol isn't telling the truth. He's really awkward and anxious when he's lying. I spent a minute trying to figure out what the problem could be and why he would possibly want to marry within the next couple of years, but I couldn't really think of the reason. Or at least, I couldn't think of it to start with. Then it dawned upon me. He was getting so awkward about it because he wanted to have children whilst he was still young. He was still pretty traditional with things, as suggested by his general mannerisms, so it would only make sense that he would want the security of a marriage before children came into the picture. And I couldn't even be mad at him over it. Not at all. I could see that he was worried about bringing up the topic of children in that discussion, since we had already been through it before and he was probably sure that I would react badly to him bringing it up again. 

So I ended up questioning him about it instead. "Seungcheol, is it something to do with children?" I asked curiously, trying my hardest not to make my voice sound harsh or anything. I knew that he would deny it if he thought that I was angry at him, but I really needed to know the truth in that case. I needed to be sure of it so that I didn't jump to conclusions or make things more uncomfortable between us. Of course, his eyes flashed up to my face for a second so that he could judge whether or not I was going to take it well or not, and so I ended up simply running a finger across his cheek before telling him that it was going to be fine. "You don't need to worry; I'm not going to judge you over it. I just need to know so that I can get a sense of how you're feeling about things." After just a moment of hesitation, Seungcheol finally gave a little nod and let his eyes drop back down again, and so I ended up just leaning over to press a kiss to his cheek. "You know that you don't need to worry about telling me this, right? I know I've been upset about the 'children' talk before, but I'm not gonna flip at you if you give it as your reason for wanting to get married."

I watched as he visibly relaxed a little bit, and then he gently pulled me that little bit closer so that he was able to feel me against him some more. And whilst I'm not really the sort of person who usually likes to cuddle whilst I'm having a serious discussion with someone, this was the exception to the rule. I liked the closeness because it helped us to make sure that we were on the same page and neither person was angry at the other. I liked that a lot. So I spent a few minutes just cuddling against Seungcheol and trying my hardest to get him to relax again, and then only continued the discussion when I felt that he was ready to continue. "Also, I'd just like to point out that I'm still considering my options when it comes to children. I'm certainly not saying that I'd be happy to have them because you know how I feel about them and you understand that I'm gonna need a lot of time for that, but it doesn't mean that I'm going to take them off the table completely. If we get a little bit further down the line and I'm feeling it, I might tell you that I think it's an option, okay?" Seungcheol gave a little nod, but I could tell right away that he wasn't the happiest person in the world to be hearing that. At least it was something, though, as opposed to outright telling him that he wasn't going to have children for as long as he was dating me.

Then the silence came again. A lot less uncomfortable than it would have been if we hadn't had that discussion but still uncomfortable nonetheless. I think we were both still considering what we could possibly say to make things better at all, but we both realised pretty quickly that we were failing to do that and so we ended up simply letting it be for a little while. We just cuddled up in each other's arms, making sure to make as much contact as possible so that we were able to start rebuilding the bridges that we had watched collapsing around us whilst we were in that tough place, until Seungcheol finally decided to pipe up again. His voice was very tiny - which was a first, as far as I was concerned - and he sounded as if he was incredibly nervous to be talking to me again. A little clear of his throat and he began talking. "Would it be too much to ask if I could play out the kink with you at some point, please? Not in a huge way where we're both really getting into the roll, but just... you know, not using protection and pretending that it's..." At that point, he trailed off, figuring that I knew what he was talking about.

Luckily for him, I knew exactly what he meant and I was feeling strangely nice. I wanted to make sure that we could fix things; that we could ensure that the tensions from the house hunting were left behind. I didn't want us to be further down the line and still feeling uncomfortable about approaching the topic. On top of that, I did feel proud of Seungcheol for managing to get through things. I felt that he had taken things well, and that he had treated my thoughts and opinions with a good amount of respect. Given that that was all the case, I decided to let him have that one. I would let him play it out with me, so long as he didn't pretend that I was actually carrying a child for him or that we were married or anything. That would be a bit too soon for my liking, and I think that he understood and respected that without me even having to explain it to him.

And so we were past it again.

Strangely, I already had the sense that it wasn't over. I could tell that much before the argument had even died down completely. I knew right away that it was going to be something that would end up coming up over and over again, and so I ended up anticipating it. Still, the fact of the matter was that we were back in the clear again and we were probably going to build things back up gradually again. We had spent a month where we were awkward with each other and hadn't even touched each other in a romantic way, nevermind a sexual way, but that was going to improve soon enough. At that moment, we would be blaming it on the fact that we were both busy. That was what we would tell our colleagues, and we would end up saying it so many times that we were almost convinced by the lies too. We would go back to giving little pecks before our shifts, but it would still take some effort to get ourselves back to the point where we were before everything started falling apart. The one thing we did know was that we couldn't let things slip because then it would be easy enough to just leave it until our attraction for each other fizzled away completely.

That was probably the last thing I wanted to happen. I still loved him and I couldn't bear the thought that things could be going so badly that we would consider breaking up. Even though I was grumpy with him and didn't want some things brought up unless it was on my terms and I was just generally a huge pain to live with, I do think that I feared the possibility of him leaving me. The thought of him finding someone else and having chemistry with them made me feel genuinely sick from jealousy, and so I didn't want to let that happen. In fact, I would have been happy to fight for him at that point in time, even though I didn't really show it by being physically affectionate with him.

But hey, that's the beauty of normality, right? You have a man and you're feeling secure, so you don't bother to work on your relationship. You fight constantly but you worry when he's not back home already. You fear that one day he'll come home and tell you that he has fallen in love with another person and that he's leaving you for them, but you don't treat him like your love is exclusive when you're together. Nowadays, people who are in relationships will react to it in one of two ways. Either you'll be lovey-dovey until you're both sick of the cutesy stuff, or you don't appreciate each other enough and end up losing each other to people who _will_ appreciate you. 

We always want more than we have, and that's something that we need to change. The normal thing to do shouldn't be to destruct all of your relationships until you're stuck in a position where you've lost everything. I didn't want to be the one to ruin my relationship with Seungcheol in that way, and I certainly didn't think that he wanted to do that either.


	31. Chapter 31

We did spend a lot of time working on our relationship. I'll give us both that. It's hard to make the time when you have so many things to do in your adult life, but it proved to be easier than I imagined to set aside five minutes here and there so that we could do something that would encourage our relationship to keep on going. Make up some ice cream sundaes together. Share a very long, intense kiss. Cuddle up on the sofa. Play with the cat. Let your hands explore places that they haven't been in some time, like the small of his back or his neck. See, as much as it can be difficult when you're in times of stress, it's something that can still be done and can still make things feel great between you both again.

Now, you'd probably assume from everything mentioned above that that was it and our arguments were over. If you assumed that, though, you would be very wrong. It was far from over. In fact, the situation at home only got worse, although we found out right away that our attempts at filling the cracks in our relationship turned it into something more subtle that we were able to merely pretend didn't even exist in the first place.

Sure, we were doing those things in an attempt to sort out all of the problems that had been brought up when we had been discussing it, but there's only really so much that you can do to fix things when your immediate response is to pretend that everything is all fine. Seungcheol and I still had those undertones in our relationship - the sour undertones that were caused by the topic of marrying and having children - and we were just trying to mask them as best as possible. We would go about our days as a regular couple, being overly affectionate with each other when we had the chance and generally trying to convince everyone that what we had was perfect, but then it was a hell of a lot different whenever we were put in a position where the topic came up again. One of the biggest examples of that was when one of our regular customers announced that she was getting married finally and that she was excited to have a life with her fiance without her in-laws getting in the way of everything. In itself, it sounds great, but when you're arguing about that constantly with your boyfriend, it's really difficult to show off genuine happiness for someone else.

Seungcheol and I would always end up having a tense moment after something like that. It was something that was both inevitable and unavoidable. One of us would tense up if either topic was mentioned and the other person was around, and it would lead to a long moment of uncomfortable eye contact and disappointment. I'm sure that everyone was aware of what that eye contact meant by the time it had happened a couple of times, but it was so uncomfortable for the people who actually knew us well that they simply moved on as quickly as possible so that they didn't have to see everything that was going down between us. And it stung. It really did. You don't really want your friends to be in a position where they feel uncomfortable around you, but it's something that's inevitable when you're in that sort of position with someone. They notice as much as much as you do - perhaps more - and that makes for an incredibly uncomfortable experience for everyone involved.

I do feel like it started to have a bit of an effect on our friendships, actually. I hate to admit it, but I think it put us in a position where we genuinely made some of them feel uncomfortable. They weren't all that fond of spending time with us, and I could see that people were wary of just being with the two of us and no other friends. They were convinced that they were going to be in a bad situation, and I think that they were nervous that if they did end up seeing an argument unfold before their eyes, they wouldn't really know how to handle it. And even though it hurt to think that our friends were nervous about being around the two of us when we were all supposed to be close, I think it did put things into perspective for me later on down the line, which I ultimately used to make these relationships more loving and trusting again.

Strangely enough, we did end up keeping everything else together, though. As much as possible, we managed to make it so that the other aspects of our home life were fine. We took the cat to the vets together and cooed over how cute he was. We went to the movies and out for dinner. We met my parents when they were missing us both. We tidied the house and danced together and had a couple of passionate romps on the sofa when we had the time. But we both knew deep down that we were pretending to be functioning perfectly well. It was like a game, in which we both had to act as if things were okay so that we could avoid having yet another argument over it all. We both knew that even though we loved each other a lot, we couldn't really handle the pressure of being in a relationship with each other. This was something that proved to be an unspoken truth, and the worst part was that we acted as if neither of us noticed the different tone. After all, why would we bring it up when we were in a position where doing so would be admitting failure?

This is something that you don't really consider until you're a real adult. There's a huge difference between that and thinking you're a real adult. I won't go into too much detail, as not to make it obvious where this is going, but sometimes an adult is forced to step back away from their relationship and think. Is it mutually beneficial for all parties involved? Does it make everyone feel good, loved and supported? How much of the time is spent arguing or pretending that things are fine, compared to the amount of time where everything actually _is_ fine? Even if you love someone and they love you back, these are the sorts of things to consider when you think that maybe it might be better if you either have time apart or break up completely.

The fact of the matter was that even though we seemingly felt that the relationship was mutually beneficial and that we generally felt loved, the tension was something that really got in the way of everything. No amount of trying to hide it was going to work when it was stressing us both out quite significantly. I could tell that Seungcheol couldn't sleep very well whenever there was tension between us. He would wake up in the morning and try his hardest to seem very happy with everything that was happening in life, but I could see the dark rings around his eyes and he would be trying his best to mask his yawns. On the one occasion that I did stay up to see just how much he was tossing and turning throughout the night, I found that he waited until he thought I was asleep before whispering things to me. And they were things that absolutely broke my heart when I heard them. Confessions that he still loved me but was struggling to make everything work. Humming love songs very softly to me. Whispers of how he didn't even mind the fact that I put my cold feet on him in the middle of the night or the way that I only ever dribbled when I was squirming my way onto his pillow. He just wanted things to be back to the way they were, he said; back to how we were in the early days of our relationship.

I wished that there was something I could do about it. I hated seeing him like that, looking both defeated and disappointed in everything that was going on around him. He didn't want that to be our fate and neither did I. But that was the reality of the matter. Something that we just had to deal with because we were adults in a relationship and that was all we could do. We could try our hardest to fix things, but there was only so much that could go right when we were in that position. After all, having different feelings about the colour to make your living room is one thing, but having different feelings about the confines of your relationship is where it gets a little bit tricky. And as I've said before, it's something that I don't expect either person to have to compromise on when it gets down to the nitty-gritty side of all of that. So I simply did what I could realistically do about it. I kept my mouth shut and pretended not to have heard him. That was what he had expected anyway. He had thought that I was asleep so I figured that doing something about it would only make him suspicious anyway.

He wasn't the only one who was suffering as a result of it all, though. I was having my own issues, despite my desperate attempts to keep everything together. You see, there's only so much a person can realistically hold it together when he knows that his relationship is failing. And that amount is pretty low when both your mind and body are fighting against your attempts to pull through. The issue was that I was crying over every little thing, from the fact that I was late getting to the subway and had to wait for an additional three minutes for the next train, through to the fact that I'd cut the onion on an angle when I was making dinner. Silly little things like that which had no significance in my life. They wouldn't make me any poorer, and they wouldn't leave people feeling too disappointed in me. I was the only one who was disappointed in myself, and that disappointment was disproportionately high when the issues were easily fixed without causing me too much of an inconvenience. No other person would be as bothered by it as I was, and so it was something that I should have gotten over within a matter of minutes.

On top of that, my hair was falling out in clumps. I can't sugar-coat that; it's something that bothered me a lot and left me feeling incredibly self-conscious. Now, at that point in time, my hair was a little bit longer. I had decided against my haircut, instead deciding that the way forward was to grow it out until it reached just below my ears. The thing is, you notice your hair falling out a little bit more when it's longer. Everyone's hair falls out, of course, with experts estimating that you lose around one hundred hairs per day, but short hair is barely noticeable in that case. I'd been noticing that I would have a lot of hair falling out when I was in the shower - possibly because I would comb it after shampooing it and then again after applying the conditioner - but this was a lot different. There was at least five times the regular fall-out, perhaps even more than that. Sometimes it would come out in thick clumps, and other times my hands would be covered by the time I'd finished washing it. And I worried. I really worried about it. I didn't think that it would get that bad, considering that we had had it worse at various other points in our relationship before that point.

But in order to keep the peace, I kept all of that to myself. I chose not to go to the doctor because I knew that they would simply tell me that it was linked directly to the stress that I was under at that point in time, and I knew right away that I would have to acknowledge just how much stress I was under if it was brought up by a medical professional. I didn't mention the fact that my hair was falling out to Seungcheol because I knew that he would encourage me to speak to someone about it. I even went out of my way to avoid having showers with him so that he wasn't able to see that my hair was coming out in chunks. I also tried my hardest to either schedule my crying for times where he was in work, or I would go to the bathroom and cry on my own whilst he was finishing his dinner or something. Either way, I was sure that he didn't notice the fact that I was doing it. I don't think it would have really clicked that it was to do with our relationship anyway, really. He would have probably thought that someone had done something to hurt me or that I was just stressed in general. And to be fair, I would have just told him that anyway in order to spare the tension, so I suppose it was for the best that he would assume that anyway. 

What could a person do about it all, though? I think the only thing that I could really do was just take my mind off it all as much as possible. The last thing that I wanted to do was discuss it all with Seungcheol and make our lives that little bit more difficult in a time of such high stress. You see, whilst I think that discussing things with your romantic partner is incredibly important in order to avoid being in a position where you're stepping on eggshells constantly, we both knew how the conversation would end without either of us even having to bring it up. You see, I would end up getting upset because I really wasn't ready to take our relationship further and I knew for a fact that I wouldn't be in that position for at least a few more years, but Seungcheol would be equally as upset because he felt as if his time was limited and he wouldn't be able to be the best father possible if he was in a position where he was ageing. Neither of us would be able to convince the other that our opinion was the only opinion, of course, and so we would just end up being miserable for at least the rest of the day, if not the rest of the week.

One might suggest that I see my family and friends. It's the perfect stress-relief, isn't it? Spend time with people who can either help you with the issues that you're facing or take your mind away from all of the responsibilities you have when you get home. But I knew before I even tried it that it wouldn't make things feel better for me. That it would only make things harder for me to deal with. After all, I knew my friends and family better than anyone else. I know that anyone from work would seek to give me advice for making our relationship work out better, seeing as they would already be aware of everything that was going on between Seungcheol and I. And my parents would be just as bad. They didn't know what was happening at that point in time, especially since we put on a front when we were around them, but they would eventually find out that we were having relationship problems and they would push it until I didn't want to talk to them anymore.

So I began to take up more hours at work instead, figuring that it was the best way forward when meeting people was the other big option. It felt like the lesser of two evils. I knew that if I was at work, I wouldn't have to worry about my urge to cry. I knew that it wouldn't really be there, for the most part, and that I would be able to sort it out if it did start to come through. You can't really cry on shift and if you do need to have that time alone so that you can stop yourself from crying, all you really need to do is go to the back of the warehouse and spend time calming down. It's as simple as that and it takes minimal effort. That proved to be a huge bonus for me, and I distinctly remember that I ended up feeling a lot better about everything when I was there and surrounded by people who weren't Seungcheol, so the number of times in which I cried over our relationship in the average week reduced from around eight times down to two. Still not perfect, of course, but enough for me to be able to handle it and do other things on my days off.

In addition to that, it also proved to be beneficial for stress relief, or at least it seemed that way at the start of the period in which I snatched up as many shifts as possible. I could spend all of my time on my own, or I could surround myself with other people. The flexibility really was there. The supervisors didn't try to tell me what to do or where to go, and the other people I shared the warehouse with were incredibly accommodating. Of course, I was good friends with a lot of the staff - like Mingyu and Minghao - and they were very understanding of everything that was going on, so we naturally didn't have much of an issue at all with the arrangements. They would simply go where I needed them to go, and they would direct the members of staff I wasn't so close to if there were any issues or complaints about my requests. Nine times out of ten, I got exactly what I wanted and was okay to switch things around during the shifts, and so that really helped to get me in a better place mentally as time went on. The other one time, for the record, usually worked out for me anyway because it forced me to get over things gradually and improve my mental health in the process.

It doesn't mean that you can really work your life away, though, and that was the mistake that I made with it all. If you've ever worked in retail before, you'll know just how much it starts to affect you after a while. You think you can work eight-hour shifts for six days in a row, but then you're in a position where you're both physically and emotionally drained. Heck, you don't need to be doing it for that long before it all sets in and your body stops accepting it as it comes. You get out of bed feeling as if you've been kicked, and you have to soak your swollen feet in a bucket of cold salt water when you get home so that you can soothe the pain that's threatening to knock you down. You might have gone into the shifts trying to get away from the mental stress of it all, but you quickly come to find that you're ready to cry that little bit more when you get back. Thankfully, if your friends or partner work in retail too, they probably understand everything that you're going through and will happily sit with you when you're an emotional mess at nine o'clock at night, but it doesn't really ease the pressure all that much.

In the end, I did have to stop taking so many shifts at work. I couldn't take it any longer. My body couldn't take it. It stopped being a way of reducing stress and became one of the leading causes of it, and that's something that you really want to avoid when you're already in a bad position. It got to the point where I was actually considering handing in my notice so that I didn't have to deal with another minute in a shitty job that I only had in order to save up for my own place anyway, but then I quickly realised that Seungcheol and I wouldn't stay afloat for that long if we were living on just one person's wage. After all, we were living together so that we could split the bills and both live that little bit more comfortably. I _did_ have a copy of my notice written up so that I would be able to hand it in if I found myself in a position where I genuinely couldn't continue any longer, but I knew full well that that notice would just have to stay as a useless piece of paper in the bottom of my cupboard. I found myself toying with it here and there, but never really wanting to hand it in and make things final.

Despite the fact that all of the above was going on, we were generally pretty free for the most part. I was thankful to have a bit of a break from all other social events, like important birthdays or huge holidays, and I did have to thank whatever deities were around for ensuring that I didn't have the stress of those sorts of things to deal with. But then again, when it did get to the point where we had one of those events come up, it was something that certainly dragged us from zero to one hundred in less than a second. We were coming back around towards the anniversary of Seungcheol's nana's death, and so he wanted to go and visit her grave. Except he didn't just want to visit it on his own, as he had done before that year; he wanted me to go with him. And whilst in any other situation, I would be happy to go along with him to that sort of thing, there were a few little issues with me going this time around.

For starters, there was the fact that Seungcheol's nana meant a lot to him - something that you probably still remember, but that I'll remind you of nonetheless. He didn't want to invite just anyone to go and visit her grave with him. He was only planning to take the people who meant the most there and so, by taking me there, he was pretty much announcing to the world that I was his. A claim to me, if you will. And sure, that's not too big of a stretch when you're dating, but it is a little bit of a stretch when you're going through a few relationship issues. It's like when people are in a position where there's a lot of stress in their relationship so they decide to have a child together. An absolute waste, as if you're trying to convince the other person that you're good enough to be loved in the first place, and it doesn't help to make your relationship any better. If anything, that sort of thing will make things significantly worse, to the point where your relationship becomes unfixable and you're dragging another person into the mix too. I'm not here to tell people how to live their lives but I do think that it's like kicking the dead horse a bit. Of course, I did appreciate the gesture a lot, but I did feel that perhaps it would have been better for both of us if he had decided against taking me with him that year.

Secondly, it was the sort of event that involved meeting his family. I know what you're thinking if you're reading this in a country where that's not a big deal but I'll let you know right now, it's definitely a huge deal here. A very, very big deal. You don't understand just how big of a deal it is if you haven't really experienced it, especially if the implications are different where you're from. Over here, though, it usually means that your relationship is serious. As serious as it can be without you tying the knot or anything. Again, I know what you're thinking about that. A few things, actually. You're thinking that it must not be that big of a deal in my family or something, since my parents have already met Seungcheol and they're close enough with him to be able to take him for coffee when I'm at work and he's not. It's a bit of a weird one, though. They've only met him because I was living with them and I took him home when I was drunk. When you get to that point in your relationship anyway, there's no point in wiping him off the face of the planet and then eventually reintroducing him as your boyfriend later on down the line. Your parents are well aware of who he is and what your relationship with him is, and they don't really need you to skirt around it and make things awkward.

The other thing you're thinking is that it _was_ a serious relationship, given the fact that we had moved in together and we were making a lot of adult decisions together, and whilst I do agree with that, it still wasn't at that exact stage where meeting the parents was appropriate. As I suggested earlier, it's usually reserved for people who are considering getting married over here - something that we've established I certainly wasn't ready for back then - and so it's not something that I really wanted to do. Of course, in this situation, it was going to be completely unavoidable. What could I possibly do in order to avoid meeting his parents? Ask to go at a different time of day so that we didn't end up meeting them? Suggest that he go alone and I catch him up later? Make the visit incredibly brief in order to minimise the risk of being caught by them? No, those things were all ridiculous and we both knew that they wouldn't get us anywhere. And if they did, they would just make everything worse. His parents would disapprove of me and I would have to reconsider our entire relationship in order to avoid being in a position where their son to find someone else.

Thirdly, there's the fact that it would all be an attempt at playing happy families. If we were to go there, we would have to act as if everything in our relationship was fine, which it certainly wasn't at that point in time. I wasn't going to cause a scene at his nana's grave, obviously, but I didn't really know how to ask if people were going to start asking us about our relationship. That sort of thing would almost certainly end up happening if I did end up bumping into his parents at any point in time, meaning that I would have to act as if we were making things work on a long-term basis. No mentions of the bickering or the cautious glances whenever the mere names of the forbidden topics arose, or even the fact that I was taking up more hours at work so that we didn't have to see each other. That would have certainly made an amazing impression in front of his family, and would have certainly meant that they weren't going to become my in-laws at any point in the near future. And that was something that I didn't like the thought of, actually, as much as I can say that I didn't want to marry him at that point in time. Parents remember, you see, and if I was to do anything wrong, you could guarantee that I wouldn't be good enough for their precious boy.

It was just another stressor that I didn't really need, if I was being completely honest. Another thing that was piling up in life, to the point where it would probably topple with the gentlest of taps. The stressors were starting to wobble on top of the tower, and I knew that they wouldn't last for too much longer before my body wobbled too. I tried my hardest to work with it. I really did. But then again, I also started to look into my other options for when we were past that point. Was it rude to break up with someone when I was due to be meeting their parents? Was it best to wait until after the Lunar New Year so that we could have some time to celebrate with our families and make things feel that bit better? Or was some big change going to be the way in which I managed to make things right again?

You can take your guesses and you'll probably be right if you think about things logically. Just think about the sort of approach that I would usually take. It's essentially the same approach that I used to take when anything came up, whether it was good or bad. After all, I was one of those young men who expected that the best would happen, regardless of what I did to influence it. I was the sort who wanted the world to be handed to me on a plate, and the sort who expected that things would ultimately sort themselves out. And whilst that was my ultimate downfall and meant that I was going to make my own struggles that little bit worse, I couldn't help myself. These sorts of things are hard to break, you see, and my younger self didn't even bother to try to make something good of it all. It ultimately took me several years to work that out in the end, so I hope you're not expecting it anytime soon.


	32. Chapter 32

As if the fact that we were in a bit of a hard place in our relationship wasn't enough, Seungcheol and I found ourselves in a position where his parents wanted to meet me. He had told them a lot about me, apparently, but they thought that it would be an invasion of our privacy if they let their curiosity get the better of them and came over to our place unannounced. And rightfully so, I think. Who goes around to people's houses uninvited nowadays anyway? If any of my friends turned up at our front door and I hadn't explicitly told them that they were allowed to visit, I don't know what I would actually do. Nothing, probably. I just wouldn't open the door to them, even if they were trying their hardest to get my attention by slamming the door with their fists. I have a ridiculous fear of that, even though there's no real reason for me to fear it. Of course, though, I didn't say that to Seungcheol when it came up. I didn't want to make it seem as if his parents weren't welcome, even though they certainly were not.

Seungcheol was actually on the phone to his parents at the time. He had them on the loudspeaker as he was walking around the kitchen and main room, trying to tidy up a little bit. I had been at work all morning and wasn't really in the mood to deal with all of the cleaning around the house. I suppose that even though we were in a bit of a tough place, Seungcheol was still a good enough man to simply take the initiative and do what he needed to do around the place without bothering me that much. And I didn't even mind the conversation in the background, if I was being honest. His mother was being like any other mother, telling him all of the drama that was going on in both their family and in her workplace. She was so passionate about what she was saying too and that got me heavily engrossed in the conversation, even though it wasn't mine to have.

I could tell that Seungcheol was interested too, even though he tried to claim that he didn't care all that much about the drama. The thing is, everyone has that little side to them where they're interested in other people's problems. It puts your own life into perspective, for starters. How could we be angry about the lingering tension between us when we were hearing about how Seulgi's boyfriend surprised her by turning up to the office with flowers, only to go on a trek over to the manager's office, where she was on her knees for him? How could we focus on the tension between us when Seungcheol's cousin wasn't talking to his aunt because she made a scene when she was picking him up from his university and embarrassed him in front of both his entire course and his friends from his hockey club? It just made us both feel a lot better about everything that was going on around us, even if Seungcheol was playfully rolling his eyes and telling her that she was too involved in other people's drama.

But then, once she had finished talking about all of the garbage that she had heard from her various sources, she started discussing how she wished she was able to visit. And in a way that certainly seemed as if it was hinting to us that she wanted to come over. "I need to see my son and son-in-law," she announced. I glanced over to see that Seungcheol's body was tense, as if he had been hoping that she wouldn't say anything like that. He didn't turn to look at me though, so I suppose he had his own reasons, rather than being bothered about it because of the fact that we had recently discussed the use of such phrasing and why it was inappropriate in our relationship.  
"I don't think we have much time over the next few weeks," he told her, placing the phone down on the table. He pulled the chair out as quietly as possible and sat down, and then rested his elbows on the table. "We might have to hold it off for ages, and I don't think you'd like it if I just sat here and told you all of the days that we can't do."

"I'm sure that you two have _some_ evenings off," she told him. Seungcheol pressed his palms to his forehead and leaned even further forward in his chair.  
"We have some evenings off work, but that doesn't mean that we're free. You know, it's a bit difficult to keep on top of all of the social events that we have."  
"Well," she started, then she promptly went quiet. I strained my ears, trying my hardest to listen out for when she finally resumed. The silence was uncomfortable, but that seemingly didn't bother her at all. It did bother Seungcheol, however, as he immediately began to adjust himself and change how he was sat on the chair. "You usually call me on Thursday nights, so I think we should come over then. Or would you prefer it if I was the only one who came along? I know that your father can get a bit forward sometimes, and I don't want to make Jeonghan uncomfortable."

"We're supposed to be meeting our friends from work that evening," Seungcheol announced after just a moment of silence fell between them.  
"Is it a special birthday or anniversary?"  
"No, but--"  
"I suppose you'll have to either miss it or reschedule the event. I'm going to take you both our for dinner, and it's going to be a hell of a lot better than whatever you're doing - what, drinking alcohol in a bar or something?" Seungcheol tried his hardest to argue that he wanted to attend the event and it was the first time that everyone had been out together in a long time - a huge lie, but I wasn't going to rat him out over it. His mother wasn't having it, though. She told him right away that if we went along to the social event, she would simply wait outside our house.

And then she brought up the fact that we would be going to his nana's grave the following morning, so we might as well meet her and then she would take us to their house for the night. It meant that everyone was there and we could all travel together. "See," she said, her voice sounding triumphant, "I knew that we would be able to work it out quickly! It's the convenient approach as well as the one that will allow me to meet the person you're due to spend the rest of your life with!" I immediately felt a cold shiver running up my spine. So she already thought that I was the person who would be with Seungcheol forever. Which told me right away that either Seungcheol was disrespecting my opinions on marrying or his mother was pushing it from her side too.

I didn't really know which option was worse. It was at that point where I really took in the mixed messages that I had received when it came to that sort of thing, you know. Seungcheol had told me that his parents were conservative and didn't want to meet me until we were in a serious relationship but then again, they had told him that they wanted to meet me when he had first come out to them. Which meant that either Seungcheol didn't actually want me to meet them, or his parents had been asking to meet me solely because they thought that it was polite to meet their son's partner.

Which leads us onto a few other situations. If Seungcheol had lied to me because he didn't want me to meet his parents, I would be incredibly disappointed. Not because I wanted to meet them too, but because it would seem as if he was embarrassed by me. Was that the case? It was perfectly plausible, even though I didn't want to think about it like that. We had, after all, put ourselves in a tense position already and that could cause a lot of tension if I met his parents. What would he do if his mother brought up children and I flipped? I suppose he might have been considering what the answer to the question would be and had ultimately decided that it wasn't worth the risk. It would just be embarrassing for both of us and he didn't really want that.

The next option was that his parents really are conservative and they were just telling us that they wanted to meet me because they thought that it would sound polite. I figured that that was pretty high on the list, to be honest. There was no real reason why Seungcheol would lie to stop me from meeting his parents. He could simply say to me that he wasn't ready to take that step and I would be fine with it. In this situation, though, it could quite easily be the case that he wanted to get it out of the way so that it was less awkward in the future, but his parents had decided that the best plan was to drop the suggestion. But then again, why would his mother suggest it a second time if she was that conservative? The only option that was coming to mind was that she was convinced that we were further along in our relationship than we actually were.

It could have stemmed from a few things. She could have assumed that we were getting to that point in our relationship very early because she didn't anticipate that people would want to be together for five or more years before marrying. She could have made the assumption that we were in a very serious relationship because we were living together and most couples here still don't cohabit until they're really serious about being together. She could have even figured that since Seungcheol was taking me along with him to visit his nana's grave, I must be very important to him, and that importance must be because we were planning to make our relationship into something that little bit more secure. Finally, Seungcheol could have suggested that we were serious, which would also give a reason for the way she announced that I was her 'son-in-law', rather than her son's boyfriend.

If I was being honest, I didn't really want to find out which option it was. I wanted to brush it under the rug completely and ignore it until Thursday. But the reality of the matter was that it gave me pretty bad anxiety and I couldn't sleep very well when I started to overthink everything that had been discussed. I thought about the way that his mother had set it up so that we were in a good mood before she asked whether she was okay to meet me, and I considered that Seungcheol tried his hardest to get out of the situation. Was that because he didn't want me to meet her or because he thought that I wouldn't want to go ahead with meeting parents that early? I knew that it was something I couldn't control - or even change, now that we were in a position where it was already planned out - but I couldn't help overthinking every little aspect of both the conversation. I found myself considering how I was going to make a good impression exactly, and how I would handle spending almost two days with the parents of a new partner without even having my own family around as a source of comfort.

The days passed without any additional relief from my lack of sleep. In fact, it got even worse to the point where I considered going to my doctor to beg for something to take. Be it anxiety pills or tranquilisers; I wanted anything that would get me enough rest to be able to function at work. It was to the point where I was coming home and speaking to the non-existent headset as I opened the fridge and tried to search for something to eat. Retail does that to the best of us, of course, but it's just significantly worse when you're in a position where you're exhausted and you're falling back on your daily habits as a way of coping. By the time we got to Thursday, though, I had perfected my "well-rested" face and had pumped myself full of coffee so that I didn't need to worry about looking off. IT was one of those little things but if it tricked Seungcheol, it would certainly trick her too. Provided that she wasn't a professional in skincare and was unable to see how thirsty and tired the skin on my face looked.

If she _was_ an expert, she was the sort who followed the rule that if it couldn't be fixed in thirty seconds, it wasn't worth saying. She didn't comment on my skin in the slightest, instead starting with my hair and slim-build figure, and I guess that that was a nice starting point when I was so nervous that I could have died on the spot. Of course, it wasn't the best way to go forward, but it was enough to snatch away a bit chunk of the ice that was starting to form in front of us. I told her that I could tell where Seungcheol got his beauty from, just to see it make her smile, and so she immediately told me that he actually looked a lot more like his father and they had everything from the same nose to the same build. I was a bit surprised by that, seeing as I could genuinely see his features on her face, but I figured that she was probably a lot more used to hearing that he looks like his father from other people, rather than that he looked like her.

I have to admit, it wasn't quite as bad as I thought it would be. I anticipated that it would end up being very difficult to connect with Seungcheol's mother, since I was a bit of an outsider to their family unit and all, but she was a lot nicer than I originally anticipated. She spent a good amount of time cuddling the cat and complimented me on the fact that I had deep-cleaned the house in a moment of pure anxiety on Wednesday night. I didn't want her to enter the house with all of her thoughts and feelings about the inequality of the traditional heterosexual relationship, in which she expected me to be the one who cleaned the entire place and ran around after her son. Of course, it turned out that she didn't care for that as much as I thought she would - in fact, she asked me whether Seungcheol had helped and scolded him when I said that he hadn't helped that particular time because he was at work. I suppose that was a good sign that we would be able to have a decent relationship with each other, especially seeing as she was so insistent that Seungcheol man up and take responsibility for the place.

Then she took us out for dinner. She took us to a little cafe in the centre of Seoul, figuring that it would be a lot more comfortable for us to have dinner at a place that didn't require us to act stuffy and formal. That way, we wouldn't have to worry about the underlying tones that came alongside meeting a parent for the first time, and she figured that it would allow us to relax that little bit more. She wanted us to be able to enjoy ourselves, and I guess that that was a nice gesture because we all know that it would have been an incredibly awkward experience if we had to spend the entire evening trying to adhere to both the experience of meeting Seungcheol's mother for the first time and the social pressure of the restaurant environment. Thankfully, the place was also very quiet and that meant that we didn't need to worry about other people judging the conversations that we were having too. I found that it wasn't too difficult to let the conversation take over, and so I did actually feel a lot more comfortable soon enough.

We started out by discussing my life, which made me feel a little bit nervous, though. The questions were primarily about my upbringing and whether or not I liked my family. We spoke about the schools that I attended and my feelings towards politics, and I think that whilst it was a bit of a difficult conversation to have with a stranger, it was something that I did handle pretty well. And so the conversation progressed. She asked Seungcheol about our first impressions of each other, and he ended up laughing as he told her that whilst we were on good terms to start with, it changed when he got his promotion. "I didn't realise that I was being as harsh to him as I was," he told her, and her eyebrows raised. "I was just trying to do a good job but then everyone told me that I was cruel to him and so I apologised right away." At that point, her eyes flickered in my direction, as if she was expecting me to tell him that it was all okay and he was exaggerating, but I could hardly do that when the truth would ultimately come out at a later date if I _did_ play it down a bit.

"I did start to like him again after a while, though," I told her with a smile. At that point, I felt Seungcheol's hand brush against mine under the table, and so I gently stroked his thumb with my own. "He has a very gentle nature when he's making an effort to be nice. I actually caught him crying at one point, and that was what made me a little bit softer towards him." It wasn't the best confession to make, but Seungcheol gave me a thankful smile nonetheless. His mother still seemed surprised by it all, though, and so Seungcheol ended up having to explain himself to her right away.  
"It probably sounds really weird but I wasn't really attracted to him until we went out together after work, and then we headed back to his place to..." And then he stopped. He just completely froze, having realised what he was about to confess. His mother's expression grew unreadable.  
"To spend the night recovering so that we could both go to work the following morning and ensure that neither of us was late," I added right away, offering a smile.

But she knew. She knew that we'd been sleeping together before we actually started dating, and I don't think she knew what to do with herself. I think she must have thought that we were in a relationship because we had realised that there was a tickle of romance between us - perhaps one had been flirting with the other or there was just love in the air in general - but then we'd hit her with the reality that we didn't actually get on at all and then we ended up going back to my place for some hate sex before we actually realised that we were attracted to each other. The worst part was that we were talking about it so openly, I think. She couldn't keep up that image she had in her mind if her son and his boyfriend were confessing that they rushed into their relationship like that. So the silence around the table grew thicker over the space of a minute or so before she eventually brought it up as directly as she possibly could.

"So, your relationship is moving pretty quickly, isn't it?" she started. My heart sank right away. I knew exactly what was coming up next, and I didn't even need any other hinting to make me realise that she was thinking about our regular argument topics. It's the way that mothers are sometimes, unfortunately, and we were particularly unfortunate to have it brought up in such a context. I noticed Seungcheol glancing over at me from the corner of my eye. His face was probably filled with panic, since he had realised where it was going as well, and that should have been enough of a sign for her to stop. But she didn't. She just continued with what we knew she was going to say as soon as she opened her mouth and said that opening phrase. "Does this mean that you'll be giving me grandchildren soon, then? I know you can't get married, but I think that it will be fine if you have kids when you're so committed to each other."

Damn it. Of course she went that far. It wasn't even like a playful off-handed comment. She had even acknowledged that we weren't able to get married and offered up her blessings for us to have children out of wedlock. As if we really needed that or anything. I couldn't help but avert my gaze when I heard it feeling my embarrassment starting to rise right away. But then Seungcheol spoke and he essentially put everything into context for me in a couple of words. "Mom, we've spoken about this," he said, his voice dangerously low. "We're not ready to start a family yet and I'm not prepared for you or dad or _anyone_ to push it until you eventually get what you want. I'm not in the mood to argue about this anymore." His voice was firm, showing that he meant what he said, but it immediately made me realise exactly what had been going on in the background of all of our arguments. Saying that, though, I had to hear them say it before I would accept it.

"How many times has the topic come up?" I asked curiously. Again, Seungcheol's face filled with panic as he tried to tell me that it had only come up once or twice, but his mother wasn't prepared to sugar-coat it any longer. She offered up the sweetest smile that she could muster, given that she had just been put in a position where her son had started scolding her in front of his boyfriend, and then pressed both of her hands to the table as she prepared herself to drop him right in it. The ultimate power move for a lady who was bitter about the result of the conversation.  
"Jeonghan, sweetheart, I'm sure you're already aware but my son isn't getting younger, and we've spent a good amount of time discussing the topic of children with each other. I reminded him that he'll be thirty in a couple of years and he's still to have his first child. Not only will it be unfair for the child to have a father who can't run around and play with them, but it's also unfair of him to rob the child of the ability to run around and play with their grandparents too."

My stomach lurched and I held my breath.

She continued telling me how I couldn't expect that he would wait for too longer, and I needed to stop up and have a child with Seungcheol before we were too old for that. It needed to be a decision that we made sooner, rather than later, and she wanted me to understand that my feelings on the topic might have had to stay on standby because it would essentially be five against one. "Five?" I echoed finally, once I'd come back down to the conversation. "Who are these five people we're talking about here?" She let out a cheery laugh, despite the general bitterness of the conversation we were having.  
"Me, Seungcheol, his father, and both of your parents. I'm sure they're going to want to have grandchildren too, and they wouldn't want you to wait until they're too old to play with them too."

I felt awful right away. Not only was the assumption that my parents wanted me to have children before I was ready to make that decision for myself, but it was also under the assumption that they would have a blatant disregard for my happiness in the process. And I didn't like that. I knew that my parents would rather have no grandchildren but a happy son, rather than see me depressed because I had to raise a child that I wasn't ready to have in the first place. You see, my parents weren't the most conventional parents in the world, but they certainly weren't prepared to make me feel like absolute trash for their own personal gains. And I didn't want anyone else to tell me that they would be like that either, seeing as Seungcheol's mother hadn't ever met my parents and I was pretty sure that Seungcheol hadn't mentioned that he had met them before I had met his family.

"Mother, that's enough," Seungcheol said, although I noted how there was a hint of something else in his voice that time. Perhaps it was irritation. Perhaps it was laced with the slightest hint of defeat. She turned back towards him and continued with a childish protest about how she wanted grandchildren from him, but he simply spoke over her so that she had no choice but to listen. It was rude, sure, but he could tell that both of us were uncomfortable with the topic so he wasn't going to let it slide. "Jeonghan and I have decided that we're not having children at all, actually," he said blandly. "I'm not prepared to make him have them when he doesn't like them, and our family unit is complete with just the two of us and the cat. We don't need to introduce a child to the household to make us feel better. I'm happier seeing him comfortable with the arrangement and I love him enough to respect that we need to make a compromise that will keep him happy too. It's not all about me, and our relationship doesn't give room for other people to have opinions on what we should or shouldn't do."

I could have cried. I knew that Seungcheol would usually flip out and try his hardest to do things in order to make me feel good, but this was something else entirely. This wasn't a drastic attempt to make me want to stay with him. It wasn't a way of guilting me into having children with him, and it wasn't his way of making me feel as if he was having to change his mind about this sort of thing when he wanted nothing more than to surround himself with children. He wasn't in support of the way that his mother was talking to me, and he wasn't going to listen to it any longer. No, Choi Seungcheol had changed his mind because he saw how uncomfortable the thought of having children was, in my eyes. And the thing about love is that he compromised because he wanted to do that, rather than because he felt he had to do it. The thought of him changing his mind about things didn't sit right with me all the way through, but I really appreciated the fact that he had taken into consideration that we didn't need to have children to be happy. I appreciated that he told her that he loved me enough to respect my decision, and I loved the fact that he genuinely made me feel as if we could push past the rough patch if we were willing to work on it.

The conversation changed so that we didn't have to feel uncomfortable anymore. Seungcheol announced that he wanted me to see the best side of his mother - the side that wasn't insistent on pushing for children - and she gave in right away. I think she was worried that I wouldn't like her if she was to continue arguing with us over the children. And she would be absolutely spot-on. I would have gone out of my way to avoid her if she was to do that. I don't think I would be able to be around her at all, and I certainly wouldn't contact her if we _did_ end up deciding to have children. They would be our secret, as not to prove to her that persistence was the key to getting whatever she wanted.

As you can imagine, I felt a lot more comfortable with the conversation when it had changed. I kept up with it as best as possible, trying my hardest to make jokes here and there to show that I wasn't just stressed and anxious all the time. I wanted to make a good impression as much as she wanted to do so, and so I figured that this was the best way to paint myself in a good light before the negative opinions were set in stone.

But then my mind started to wander whilst his mother was telling us stories. I wanted to stay focused, but my mind started to drift back to what Seungcheol had said about us having children. He had told her that he loved me enough to respect that I didn't want to have children. And whilst that was lovely and all, I felt a dull throbbing pain in my chest when I thought about it some more. Seungcheol wanted to have children more than he could possibly describe, having even come up with a list of some of the names that he liked for both daughters and sons. He was happy when he was around kids, and he would be the perfect father to the ones he eventually had.

That was why I had to let him go. I needed to show that I respected his feelings towards it as much as he respected my feelings towards it.


	33. Chapter 33

I wanted to get the break-up over and done with as quickly as possible because I knew that it would hurt. But there was something inherently wrong about doing it straight after the anniversary of his nana's death, and it would have been even worse to give it just a day or two on top of that when he trusted me enough to take me to her grave. And then there was the fact that it was coming up to the Lunar New Year. We had already made plans to spend it together, going between my family and his for a day or two during the week and then spending the rest of the time at home and with friends. It just seemed rude for me to disrupt that so close to the holidays by breaking up with him, so I held it off until a week after the new year.

Realistically, it made sense to do that. Not only was it for avoiding the tensions, but it also helped us in a number of other areas too. We didn't need to worry ourselves with moving me out of his place during the busy holiday period, and we didn't need to concern ourselves with explaining it to our families. Sure, we could have still gone along to the events together, but where would it have landed us? There was nothing like explaining to a bunch of homophobic older people that you're into men but the person you've brought with you is actually your ex-boyfriend. It would have been both uncomfortable and unnecessary, and I couldn't bring myself to do that sort of thing when we had so much on our plates already. So I just waited it out until the right time, seeing as there was no real rush when you're breaking up on mutual terms.

I think he knew that it was coming, though. He was incredibly protective over me during the few days leading up to the discussion. He would spend most of his time trying to cuddle me, and he frequently told me about how much he loved me. He said that there was no one else he would rather spend his life with and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. And it was the saddest thing that I've ever experienced. I could tell that he didn't want to break up with me at all - that he thought we could work things out. And that stung a lot because I quickly realised that I didn't want to break up with him either, but I had to do it because my morals told me that it was necessary. You see, the thing about normal relationships is you tend to be drawn towards people with similar plans for the future, and you tend to find that you have no problem with their suggestions about how your future could play out in the end. But Seungcheol and I never did have a normal relationship, and that experience was just going to show it that little bit more.

I wasn't going to lie and pretend that it wasn't happening, though. I informed him in the morning that we were going to have a nice day together before going home, whipping out the wine and some Chinese food, and then we would talk things through. Seungcheol didn't even try to pretend that he didn't know what we were discussing, instead opting for a little nod. It was blatantly obvious that he was disappointed with everything that was happening but he wasn't prepared to argue against talking it through when we had already spent so much time trying to work things out between us. It was our right to be able to talk about things openly, and so that was exactly what we were going to do when we had the chance to do so.

Our last proper day together was actually really nice, too. He took me to the beach, even though it was cold. We were the only ones there and so we sat close to the sea with our trouser legs rolled up and our toes buried in the sand. The waves licked at our heels and our hands grazed against each other, encouraging us to get just that little bit closer. So we did. There was no hesitation or awkwardness; I simply moved closer to him and rested my cheek on his shoulder, and then he promptly cuddled against me. Even though we were silent, it wasn't at all uncomfortable, and the conversation flowed on our terms in the end, rather than seeming forced. I liked that a lot, if I was being completely honest with myself. After all, it was a sign that even if we felt as if we failed our relationship, we were still happy together. As friends, that was - not anything more or less than that. And sure, it was hard to admit to ourselves that maybe things weren't as easy as we thought, but I liked the thought that we would still be able to chat sometimes and maybe spend time together.

We must have stayed on the beach for four or five hours before Seungcheol suggested that we take a walk. It was mid-afternoon by that point and he was conscious that his legs hadn't been moved for a long time so he would end up in a little bit of pain. I agreed right away, of course, and then helped him to stand. Strangely, he wasn't all that quick at rising. I'm aware that he's a bit older than me, but I figured that it wasn't really something you'd expect to see from a man who was in his twenties still. I figured that it was best to drop it, though, so that I didn't create an awkward situation in which both or either of us was left feeling that little bit of tension that often came alongside that sort of thing. So I just took his hand and began walking, giving his legs a little bit of time to adjust first before adjusting the speed of our walk accordingly.

The sand nearest to the water was very cold on my toes, but I noted how it was so firm that my feet didn't sink down with every step. I suppose it's a bit like a pathetic fallacy but in the form of a situation in which your surroundings, in general, reflect the future. I'm not sure if there's a specific word for that but I'm sure that there's something out there that's not specific to the weather's reflection. In this case, it could have been a metaphor for my inability to reach the deeper layers, or perhaps even the cold outer layer to our relationship. Or so, that's what I thought about it all. It just seemed too convenient for it to be leaving my hair on end on a day where I was going to be discussing a more adult side to my relationship with Choi Seungcheol. I almost mentioned it, actually, before realising that it was probably a huge mistake to talk about it so openly like that, and so my mouth stayed shut about the topic.

That's not to say that we didn't chat, though. We did. We spoke about everything that hadn't come up during the four-and-a-bit-hour chat that we had shared whilst we were sat down. We spoke about things that didn't even matter - like alternate realities - and about hypothetical situations that could never exist. For example, he mentioned that he wished we would be able to create a robot that would piece together the arguments that couples were having in its presence so that it could determine which person was right in an argument. It was something that would save a lot of marriages, he suggested, and it would help to reduce conflict that stemmed primarily from the fact that they didn't know who had the best points during arguments. As you can imagine, we scrapped the idea pretty quickly after determining that it probably wasn't best for relationships where conflict was already a big deal. Arguing over who was right was just as bad as anything else, and any hints of favouritism would go down very poorly in the markets.

By the time we were finished on the beach, it was getting pretty dark. We wiped off our feet when we were back on the pavement and then promptly headed back to the bus so that we could go home. The journey there was quiet again, as you can probably imagine, and it was accompanied by Seungcheol cuddling against my arms, as you can probably imagine. It wasn't comfortable in the slightest, to be honest. It made me consider how what I was doing was wrong, and frankly the last thing I really needed whilst I was trying my best to give him the world was for him to make me feel bad so that I ended up caving under the pressure of it all. I simply held his hand the entire way home and rubbed slow circles on it with my thumb, and I didn't even let go as we were walking the final stretch home together, even though I knew that walking hand-in-hand with your boyfriend was still not a wise move. I just needed him to be comfortable.

It was all a huge shame, though. As soon as we walked through the door, he brought it up with me. His voice was low and sad, and it immediately made my heart sink down low into my stomach as soon as I heard it. Choi Seungcheol turned to me with sad eyes as he asked if I was going to break up with him, and I immediately gave the most apologetic smile that I could muster. It wasn't much, of course, but at least it made me feel a little bit better about everything that was going on between us. I didn't feel like that much of a monster anymore when I realised that it wasn't going to come as a huge surprise to him, and so I wasn't as upset as I would have been originally when I took his hand again. "We're going to have a bit of a chat about everything, okay? I promise you now that it's nothing you've done and nothing that you can help, and I want nothing more than to make sure that this all goes well."

He hesitated for a second before giving the slightest nod. I think he felt defeated, although I'm reluctant to assign that sort of emotion to someone without sufficient proof of it. After all, I had simply not expected that he would seem so shot-down by it all - rather than upset or even disappointed - but I guessed that it was better that he hadn't immediately grown angry with me or started crying. I don't know whether I would've been able to handle that. I simply stroked his hand gently with my thumb and instructed him to take a seat on the sofa whilst I got the wine, and then I promptly joined him when I'd gathered what I needed. Admittedly, we did go a little bit overboard and ended up with two cases in front of us, but I guessed that we were mature enough to be able to handle that much wine if we needed it. We knew our limits, we knew that we weren't in work the following morning, and we knew that the best way to discuss that sort of thing was to - plain and simply - stay sober as much as possible and work from there.

Seungcheol called up the nearest Chinese restaurant and ordered us a meal once I was seated, and then the conversation promptly began as soon as he was finished. I started out right away by asking him if he enjoyed our time out together and Seungcheol informed me right away that it was the nicest day out he'd had in a long time. He mused about how we hardly had any time for that usually, since we had so much work to do and there were so many different things that we had to deal with too, but he thought that it was great that we had at least a little bit of time to spend together. He particularly liked the fact that we could sit there on the sand for hours without either of us getting too bored or anything. I liked that too, actually. It was something that you'll gradually build with a partner over time, but it's something that definitely does require a positive relationship in order for it to work out well enough. Anything less and you'll be left struggling to maintain the silence without feeling anxious about it.

And so the actual discussion began.

"You know I love you a lot, don't you?" I asked him right away. It was a solid opening to the discussion, even though it was a lacking a bit. It was something that you would say if you wanted a favour from someone, not when you were about to tell them that you were leaving them. In fact, when I think about it now, it seems pretty misplaced. I'm more surprised that he didn't tell me that it was ridiculous - that he wasn't going to have me sitting there and telling him that I loved him when I was about to break his heart - but he remained calm and collected, as always. Another beautiful quality for a wonderful man, and one that makes me feel incredibly envious. I would give anything to be that understanding, and it's something that I still strive for nowadays, even as an older adult than I was back then.  
"I know you do," he said simply, his mouth twitching into a sad smile. "And I love you too. You probably can't appreciate just how much I love you because people never can get a full grasp of it, but I need you to know that I really do love you."

It was a bit much, considering the question that I'd asked, and it actually made the task a hell of a lot harder to do. You know how it is. You go into a situation with a thousand things that you need to say to them, but then you realise that you've messed up and you didn't account for what would happen if someone actually responded positively to the things you were saying. And you're suddenly caught off-guard. You don't know whether you should smile or laugh it off; whether you should pretend that you didn't hear it or address it directly. Seeing as each response could have a drastic effect on the outcome of the conversation too, it's a really difficult thing to have to deal with and it's something that I recommend approaching with caution if you're ever in that situation. Know your conversational partner well and make sure that you know what they'd like to hear so that you're not in an uncomfortable position with them if it does end up working out like that.

"And you know that I want the best for you," I said to him simply, choosing to ignore his comment about how much he loved me. It's not something that would offend him if he knew that I was heading in that direction, after all. In any other situation, Seungcheol might have grown upset if I didn't reply to him how he expected me to reply, but his idea of what was acceptable was different in that specific conversation. Of course, he just gave a little nod that time, letting his head bow slightly for a few seconds. It was similar to the response that he had given when his mother started talking about things that he didn't want to discuss in the restaurant, actually, but this time I struggled even more with reading his emotions. Instead of wearing them on his sleeve, he tried his hardest to pretend that it wasn't a big deal. That could have possibly been interpreted as a range of things, like disappointment in himself, sadness over what was happening, defeat as he realised that my mind wasn't going to change, and general feelings of rejection and inadequacy.

"Do you want me to explain why I feel this way?" I asked him. Seungcheol hesitated for a moment before turning his gaze back to my face. I could tell right away that he didn't even know what he wanted. He looked confused, more than anything else. He didn't know whether he wanted to hear it or not; whether he thought it was for the best that he find out the ins and outs of our relationship change, or whether he thought that it would make things harder for him to bear. Unfortunately, this was one of the situations in which I was unable to make that decision for him. You can't just tell half of the story. If he was to interrupt me half-way through to tell me that he didn't want to hear anymore, I don't know what I would do. After all, it's a pretty big deal to open yourself up to people, and it's an even bigger task to give reasons and justifications for all of the things that you've done. Especially during the questionable moments where there might be three or four different opinions coming into play.

Eventually, though, he gave two assured nods, then promptly snatched up his glass so that he could start sipping the drink. I think it was caused by nerves, rather than it being the case that he was in the mood to drink wine, but I was hardly going to say anything about that. Instead, I just allowed him to get comfortable with the glass before starting with my discussion over everything that was going on in our world. So I started at the obvious starting point; the one that we had been discussing over and over again. The discussion topic that I hated more than anything, and the one that he probably hated just as much. "You can already guess this, I suppose," I said to him. "But it's about the whole marriage and babies thing. I think I've changed my mind on the topic and I want you to be able to have that sort of experience in your life. It would be awful to make you refrain from having a family because I wouldn't like it, okay?"

"What if I'd like my future to have you in it?" he asked, and I paused for a long moment.  
"I didn't say that I wouldn't be your friend still. We're going to be friends, even when we break up, because I want to be in your life too. And besides, I don't think I would be able to handle it if I never got to see the cat again." I think I hurt him by using the word 'when' instead of 'if', but he still gave a slight smile when I mentioned the cat. It wasn't great, of course, but I figured that it was the best way forward. You know how things like that are. It's a bit bittersweet, in my opinion. The negative side leaves a sour taste in your mouth but the positive makes you smile, and that in turn makes you feel guilty because it shouldn't make you smile when you're sad. Nevertheless, the conversation moved on, with him essentially questioning why that made him smile for a second.  
"What I mean is that I'd like my future to include you as my boyfriend, not just my friend."

I had to offer up an apologetic smile at that point. What else could I do? Make him think that it was possible for us to spend the rest of our lives together? That would be a huge lie, frankly. We both knew that it wasn't going to work out how we hoped it would when we had such different thoughts on what a relationship should involve. Or it _could_ work, but you know that one person would either be miserable or they would end up living with regret. And I wouldn't want to make someone else feel that way if I don't want someone to make me feel that way either. "Seungcheol, I completely understand that you want me to be your boyfriend, but you have so much else to live for at the moment. You could get a handsome boyfriend who sweeps you off your feet every time you see him. You could meet him one day and know right away that he's the man you want to marry. And he might feel the exact same way about you, and then you can marry him after a year without worrying that you're going too fast because you both adore each other."

"Actually," Seungcheol interrupted before I could get too far. I raised an eyebrow. "I don't think it's for the best that I date another man. I haven't found any others that I've been attracted to since we got together, and that's a sign that maybe the guys I've dated are one-offs."  
"What about that guy from that little cafe we went to a few months ago? You seemed to find him attractive." I offered a little smile, just to show him that it wasn't a sly dig at him. Seungcheol let out a laugh, although I couldn't really tell whether it was genuine or not.  
"He had a nice face, but I wouldn't date him. I could say the same about a lot of people. I think Hansol is very handsome, and also think that Zico is a particularly handsome idol, but that doesn't mean that I'd date either of them. Even if they asked."

Maybe that didn't go to plan, but I was ready to switch it right away. Just so that we didn't end on that note. I took a long sip of wine, then touched a kiss to his shoulder. "Okay, so you might get a beautiful girlfriend instead. She'll be able to marry you whenever you feel like it. You could even run away and elope, if you want. And then you can have a number of children with her, and I can be the godfather of all of them. And maybe the best man at your wedding." Seungcheol began to tear up a little bit. I could see them starting to form in the corner of his eyes, even though he tried his hardest to blink them away in hopes that I wouldn't notice them. So I ended up just giving a soft little tut as I ran a hand through his hair, and then let him kiss me. It was the least I could do for him when he was hurting like that. And sure, it might have made it harder for us to break up but I felt that I owed him it in the end. 

"What if I said that I didn't want to get married or have children anymore?" he asked. His voice was adenoidal from the tears that were rolling down his cheeks, and it left my heart sinking down lower into my gut.  
"I would tell you that you're lying," I replied simply, "I know that you want to have a proper family, and I don't think that it's appropriate that I take that away from you." And then he grew silent again. I could see that he was trying to figure out how we could get around it, but nothing much was coming to mind. At least, nothing that would actually work for us. That was, until something obviously sprung up and his eyes flashed with interest as he looked up at me.  
"What if I had someone on the side who had my kid? Like a polyamorous relationship, but you're still my main partner. Would that be okay?"

I touched my fingertips to his cheek and gave him another apologetic smile. "Seungcheol, I'm sorry. I don't think I could do that. If we were to do that, I could only consider it if we were both interested in the third person, and I'm sorry to say that I'm really not interested in women in the slightest." His lips pursed, and then he dropped his head slightly.  
"I love you," he whispered, as if he was trying to convince himself of that fact too, and so I hugged him tightly. "I don't want to lose you when you're the person I love the most. It's not fair." It didn't seem fair, honestly. None of it seemed fair. But I couldn't avoid it for much longer at all. As his mother pointed out, he was getting older and forcing him to wait indefinitely was unfair. Being unable to marry him because of the nature of our relationship was unfair, and it was even more unfair that I didn't even want to marry him in the first place. My reluctance to have children was unfair, and the fact that I wouldn't be able to give him children even if I wanted them was unfair. But the reality of everything is that nothing is fair and there's absolutely shit all that you can do about it.

"You have to trust that this is for the best, okay? Maybe in ten years, we can try again. Maybe you'll get to that point and we'll still be unmarried, and then we'll meet again and fall in love instantly. Maybe then we'll decide to run away and get married and have a baby together, and we'll be the happiest couple in the world. But until I'm ready to do that and have that sort of relationship with you, I think you should probably find someone else." At that point, the food arrived and Seungcheol jumped up to get it, but neither of us was really that hungry when we had it in front of us. To start with, we just stared at the food in front of us, but then he insisted that we put it to one side for a while until we were getting hungry again. But then we figured that it was a waste if we didn't have it whilst it was hot so we forced ourselves to eat at least a little bit and then placed the plates on the table for a while so that we could continue with the discussion.

"Can't we just stay together for a while?" he asked me. I bit my lower lip and stared at him.  
"I'm scared that I'll fall in love with you too much if we stay together."  
"Are you not in love with me much now, then?"  
"Seungcheol, I didn't mean it like that. You know I love you a lot as it is but it's easier to end a relationship on good terms if you've been together for a year or two, rather than if you've been together for five or six years. If we've been together for that long, I think I'd have to be selfish and keep you for myself without giving you the future that you want." I think that hurt him more, knowing that I was ending things for that reason. And I did feel guilty about that but there wasn't much that I could really do about that, other than apologise for it.

It was only at that point that he realised I wasn't going to give in and let us stay together. I was stubborn about it and I wasn't prepared to make him give up on his dream of being a father. And whilst I was trying my best to be nice about things, I don't really think that it's possible to make someone feel better about the fact that you're leaving them and there's nothing they can do to change your mind. So he ultimately ended up just accepting that he had to accept it, and then promptly moved the conversation towards the finer details.

"Are we going to continue living together?"  
"I don't think that's the best idea. We'll just end up being a couple still and you know that." He pursed his lips.  
"Who gets to keep the cat?" he asked. I think he was a bit more nervous about that because his voice instantly flattened when he asked the question.  
"I think it's best if you have him," I said quietly, "I think you need the company a little but more than I do and besides, I don't know how my parents would react if I said that I was going to bring a pet home with me." He seemed a bit happier with that answer, although obviously it wasn't by much because it was still a bit of a tough situation for us both to face.  
"When do you think we can put all of this into action? Will you still be living with me in a few weeks, or do you think I'm gonna have to adapt to you being here immediately?"

"I'm not sure," I admitted, deciding right away that it was probably best to drop the topic completely at that point. We had said what we needed to say and I could tell that it was starting to distress him by that point. The more he thought about it, the more he was bothered by it, and I couldn't bear to see him like that. "Perhaps we should do something else," I suggested to him as an alternative. His eyebrow raised. "Maybe we should go to bed and spend our final few hours as a couple like that?"  
"We're making it official from tomorrow?" I shrugged before giving a little nod. "Well, I guess we might as well make it a break-up to remember."

He didn't enjoy it, though. I can tell you that much. I could tell that he was hurting the entire time and he didn't want us to go to sleep so that he didn't have to accept the end of our relationship but I pushed it nonetheless and even insisted that we finish the night cuddling, like the asshole I am.


	34. Chapter 34

The beauty of normality is that you often won't be judged by those who are close to you if you decide to end a relationship prematurely because you're having issues with it, even if the other person doesn't think it's that much of an issue. It's your problem, at the end of the day, and the vast majority of people won't even say anything against your decision. Of course, the odd person might judge you a little bit if they're closer to your ex-partner and have to see them crumbling, but your friends are very unlikely to hear your side of the story and tell you that it was stupid of you to end your relationship. At the end of the day, it's not down to the fact that you're bored or anything in a relationship like ours; it's an attempt to save everyone's feelings and make sure that you can still sit in the same room as them at the end of the day. And I wanted that with Seungcheol. I really did. That was why I had my head held high still as he helped me to go through our things and figure out what was mine to take with me when I moved out. It hurt, of course, and it was only normal for him to be upset over the fact that I was moving out, but at least he was there to help me get myself together like that.

It wasn't the first time where I felt that normality had little place and didn't feel all that nice, but it certainly wasn't going to be the last time either. Interestingly, though, I had only really experienced that push away from normality when I started developing an interest in Seungcheol. Perhaps I had been a little bit too obsessed with it when we got together. It was something that genuinely aroused me when I first met him; something that really got me going. Your typical man like Mingyu, for example, had me drooling. He's more attractive than your average man - and I'll give him that - but his interests and mannerisms and the way that we interacted was all very normal. Seungcheol, on the contrary, was far from normal at the start. Or at least, that was what I thought. I thought that he was odd and I hated that, but I now think that the thing that made me feel that way was that he tried his hardest to keep his walls up to stop people from seeing how normal he was. It was a defence mechanism of sorts, and it was his way of hiding the vulnerability that came alongside the fact that he's a very regular man.

Just think about it. Your typical normal man would be around Seungcheol's height and build, maybe a little bit taller, and he would have a smile that wasn't quite perfect. Not many people had a smile that was as amazing as is painted in romance novels, after all. The average person is of Asian descent, with the population of our continent reaching over half of the world's overall population and the number of Asian expats and immigrants living in the West simply adding to those numbers. He had a normal job in one of the top industries worldwide and earned a very average wage - one that allowed him to live pretty comfortably but didn't allow him to have too many luxuries without careful planning. He was in debt, as are many people from our generation, and he was trying his hardest to get rid of it, bit by bit. He had piercings that he showed off and piercings that he had done when he was young and stupid, but they were all telling the story of Seungcheol so it didn't matter whether he was embarrassed by them or not. I wasn't his first boyfriend - in fact, I was his third boyfriend, as I found out later on down the line - although there was a high chance that I was going to be his last if he was going to spend his life comparing other men to me.

Seungcheol was also the sort of man who had normal dreams and aspirations. He wanted to get married and have children - as do so many people of our age - and he wanted to get a well-paying job that would help him to either reach or sustain the outcome of those goals. He wanted to pick up a hobby at some point - something that he would be able to pursue for years to come - and he wanted to be able to afford a beautiful family home so that he would be truly happy with the people he loved. Of course, being in a tacky little house like ours wouldn't bother him too much, but it wasn't really the sort of place he wanted to raise children, especially since we didn't even have a garden or anything. And I could understand that, to be honest. It was more of a desire than a necessity, but it was still high on the list. Likewise, he also wanted to get his license and a car so that he could be a proper family man, and he wanted nothing more than to improve himself both as a person and in terms of his health. And that was what made him normal. Just your average man, who I just happened to fall in love with as soon as that normality started to shine through the bitterness that had accumulated to mask those feelings and stop him from becoming vulnerable. After all, the world is a cold place and so is retail work, and it forces you to toughen up and be someone you wouldn't usually be in order to be successful.

I don't know, though. I think it was the sort of thing that put me off normal guys and made me want to seek out men who were a little bit more out there. It sounds a little bit cliche for someone who had broken up with someone he was really attracted to in the first place, but I guessed that was just how I was. At least then, I wouldn't have the same issue as Seungcheol said he would have. At least then, I wouldn't have to worry about comparing them to him. It's a tough thing to do if you're still in love with someone else and I knew that every man I dated after Seungcheol would be either a rebound or a replacement, but I wasn't prepared to tell anyone that if it ended up coming up, of course. It would be the little secret that I kept hidden and hoped that no one else would realise. After all, everyone knew how much I loved Seungcheol. They knew that he was the person who helped to develop me as an individual, and he was the one who melted my heart by being just a little bit sympathetic at times. And it's incredibly hard to build up from that, you know. How are you supposed to find someone better than the man who made you feel like you were on top of the world? How could someone beat the person who you had to reluctantly let go because he wanted something that you couldn't give him and you wanted him to have the world?

I tried my hardest not to think about that as we were packing, though. About my future and how I would cope with having other relationships, and about the fact that Choi Seungcheol was going to be the sore spot in my life for the rest of my life. It's hard enough moving out of your ex-boyfriend's house like that, but it was going to become even harder if I spent my time feeling shit about the fact that he was everything I needed and I was letting him get away. I simply tried to find things that weren't too sentimental for the most part, figuring that it was best not to spark my feelings for him again until Seungcheol eventually came across them and brought them up again. "Remember when we went on that date to the cinema and you were scared throughout the entire film?" he asked as he moved some ticket stubs to the other side of the bed. "I remember telling you that we could leave but you didn't want to go because we had paid for it, but your face was in my shoulder the entire time." He smiled fondly, but that smile was still laced with the inherent sadness that came along with those sorts of memories. I gave a nod and touched a hand to his shoulder as I agreed with him that it was a nice date.

But then everything else started coming up, one by one. Memories of the time we went to a bathhouse together and Seungcheol was nervous about being naked in front of strangers because he hadn't thought to shave or anything, as if anyone would actually care about that sort of thing. I recalled him trying to cover himself with the towel, even though nudity in front of friends wasn't usually a big deal for him, but he kept insisting to me that men like us were supposed to be trimmed and attractive-looking to show others that we took pride in our appearance. He went beet red when I reminded him of it and tried to justify his feelings towards that, but I made sure to remind him of the fact that no one even cared that much. In fact, I'm pretty sure that no one clocked that he was bisexual either, so it wouldn't have even mattered even if people looked at him. Then there was the time we went to a little fayre together and he won me a stuffed animal because he knew I thought it was cute. The times we went around Seoul pretty aimlessly, knowing that it only cost a few thousand won to get anywhere and we could always get on at a station that was a little bit closer to where we lived. The times that we had messed around at work by making puns relating to the items we found, and the times where we went drinking together with friends and ended up stumbling home at ridiculous hours.

They made me smile; I'll give him that. But they also made me hurt. My chest started aching as I listened to what he had to say, and I didn't know how he was able to keep smiling as he told me about how the memories made him feel. He always remembered exactly how he was feeling in the moment too, which just added a little bit more to the mix. But then again, the words that came out felt very bittersweet, even if Seungcheol couldn't see it himself. That was the worst part of the exchange - he always made everything seem as if it was a great story and it was significant enough for him to remember every detail. Even if it was the most mundane thing in the universe, he always made it seem as if the world was all right if we were together. As if nothing could possibly go wrong if we were side-by-side, and as if our relationship was perfect from start to end. Of course, that wasn't really the case at all and we both knew that our relationship was a rocky mess as soon as the topic of children and marriage started coming up, but I wasn't going to tell him that and ruin the moment. Instead, I just told him that I hoped we could still have adventures together, and so we ended up just spending twenty minutes cuddling each other after having gone through just our bedside cabinets, the drawers and under the bed.

I almost caved, to be honest. I almost told him that I would stay with him for a bit longer but then I remembered that it was something that we both ultimately desired and I realised that I couldn't really allow it, given that that was the case. After all, the plan was to get out before I ended up getting to the point where I wanted him again, and to stay was to toss that plan in the bin. You see, I couldn't let myself want him again. It wasn't worth the heartbreak that followed, not only for me but also for him. If I stayed, it would give him some hope that we would get back together and I couldn't allow that. So I ended up just sitting up and asking him if we could go through the bathroom together for a little while. I would pass over the few things that were mine from there, like my razor and allergy medication, and then he would put them into one of the boxes that I was taking with me. Simple job, really. I could tell that he wasn't all that happy that things obviously hadn't changed in the time we'd spent cuddling, but he helped me nonetheless before promptly suggesting that we should get what we could out of the main room as quickly as possible so that we could spend that little bit of extra time together afterwards before my parents came to pick me up.

So we did end up spending as little time as possible getting my things out of the main room and kitchen, figuring that it was for the best to honour the desire to spend time together as friends. We tore through the place as if it was on fire, trying to keep the reflection of our memories to an absolute minimum so that we would be able to talk through it all afterwards, and shoved everything into either a box or a bag as soon as we had decided who owned it. We figured that it would have been worse if we spent our time overthinking things so much that it got to six o'clock and I was forced to leave right away. I think it would have put us in a position where we didn't feel true closure between us, which would ultimately make our relationship a lot tenser when we finally got to work again and we were essentially forced to simply push through things and act as if nothing had changed at all.

Of course, our relationship was going to feel a lot different when we got back to work. That much was inevitable. After all, we had been together for quite some time and there were colleagues there who had only ever seen us in a relationship with each other. We were a humble couple but always there to help each other and everyone else. Being together made things that little bit more cheerful, especially after the tensions that we had experienced prior to his nana's death. Those tensions were likely to return, to an extent, and that was something that wasn't going to be fun for any of us. In fact, it would more than likely make things incredibly difficult for us to handle whilst we were working because we were still required to have close contact and work together, but we both knew that we still had feelings for each other and so having to work so close to each other was inevitably going to be painful.

It meant that we ended up doing what we shouldn't have done, though. You see, whilst I've spent most of the time chatting about how we shouldn't have done anything that would bring about the expectation that our romance could be revived, people do stupid things when they're in love with each other. And whilst we were certainly planning on just cuddling up on the sofa and inviting the cat to sit with us for a while so that I could properly say goodbye to him, it turned out that he was out of the house and wondering the streets so it was just Seungcheol and I, alone together. So we figured that perhaps it was best to be together one last time for the sake of it - especially since we still had four hours before my parents were due to arrive and we didn't want to spend too much time overthinking the fact that we weren't going to be living together anymore - and that meant Seungcheol taking me through to the bedroom for an hour or two.

It got it out of our systems, of course, but it was hard to see what the cost of that was. I felt absolutely disgusted in myself afterwards, having been drowned by the overwhelming feeling that perhaps I was leading Seungcheol on a bit. After having told him that I wasn't going to stay with him and that we were over for good, I suggested that we go out with a bang - literally - and so he had ended up undressing me on the spot. The worst part about that, though, was that it wasn't like an indirect fling. It wasn't as if we had just been on something like Tinder and found each other, then we'd slept together because we were both in the mood to screw a stranger. No, this was very personal. He held my hands the entire time. He was gentle and kissed my neck, and he made sure that my entire body felt amazing the entire time. He was just as he had been when we were together and he showed me right away that our love wasn't going to be going anywhere any time soon. It showed me that I had the chance to change things, should I want to take my decision back at any time over the upcoming weeks, and that was something I hated to think about.

I wish I hadn't done it, actually. I wish we had just left it how we did. But the temptation had forced me to do that and I was weak to that temptation when I knew that I was still in love with him.

Nevertheless, I had done what I had done and there was no taking it back. All I could really do was suggest that we get cleaned up before my parents arrived to take me home, since I knew right away that my mother would catch the smell of sex in the air and would call us out over it, and then we could get onto the things that we were actually planning on doing before we fell victim to that trap. We would have a nice lunch together and watch a television programme, and then we would be a lot happier and more comfortable when my parents eventually did turn up to get me. It would be obvious to them that we were breaking up on mutual - well, semi-mutual - terms and that there were limited hard feelings between us, and I figured that that would make them a lot happier about interacting with Seungcheol. After all, it's hard to talk to your child's ex-partner like they're a person, but I guess that it's a lot easier if you know that your kid actually still gets on with them. It forces you to be a little bit more civil with them, at the very least, unless you know that that person really hurt your child over the relationship.

The one thing that I was glad to see was that Seungcheol seemed a lot happier with the arrangement when we were sat together on the sofa. Whilst I can't say that sleeping together again was a good idea, I do think that it helped to release that bit of tension that was building between us. It's really tough to put yourself in that position where you're not in a relationship with someone anymore but you're spending a load of time helping them with things. From helping me to arrange things with my parents to helping me pack everything up, Seungcheol was there for me. And then he was there to help me when I wanted company, and he was more than happy to just sit with me on the sofa and watch some of the trashy shows we used to watch in the earlier days of our relationship. Everything other than the house-moving shows, actually. You can probably imagine the ones I mean. Over-dramatic sitcoms, those addictive Western shows that Hansol and Jisoo introduced us to where guys swap wives for a week or so, and the sorts.

By the time my parents turned up, we were actually really relaxed and had spent a good few hours laughing with each other. I felt as if all of the tension had been completely lifted by that point in time, and we both went to the door together. Seungcheol greeted my parents and they decided that it was only fair to hug him too, and then he even helped us to put all of the boxes and bags into the car again. It was a tight fit, as you can probably imagine, but we just about managed to fit all of my belongings in and shut all of the doors. And then my parents turned to us slowly. There was a long moment of silence - the first bit of tension that we'd actually had since we were packing - and then they finally spoke up. "Would you boys like to get something to eat before we head off?" they asked. Seungcheol went to reject them under the premise that we were no longer in a relationship and my parents were under no obligation to feed him, but they promptly informed him that we were still friends and we were going to try to be friends for the rest of our lives, so they were still going to treat him how they would any other friend of mine.

So we ended up going to McDonald's. It wasn't the most classy meal to finish off with, but I did appreciate it a lot. It was something that was pretty light and allowed us to eat quickly, should we feel that things were a little bit too awkward, and then we were back to feeling a bit happier when it was time for us to part ways. I don't think it's possible to be unhappy when you're full of McDonald's bulgogi burger, after all, and so I think that it was a very good call on my parents' part. It meant that we could take Seungcheol home, knowing that he wouldn't be so upset that he wouldn't eat anything for dinner, and I think that that comforted us all that little bit more.

Saying that, though, it was still incredibly hard to say goodbye to him when we were due to leave. He saw us to the car, even though he was only wearing his socks, and then hugged me before I got into the vehicle. The hug was tighter than any other hug I'd felt in my life, and his face was buried in my neck so tightly that I knew he was trying to stop himself from crying. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes too, although I tried my hardest to avoid making that obvious until he pulled away slightly and saw it. And then he offered me an apologetic smile, just as I had done when I was in the process of breaking up with him, before running his thumb over my cheek. "I love you, Jeonghan," he whispered to me, hoping that my parents wouldn't hear. "If you change your mind about this and want me back, I'll be yours without hesitation. Just know that I'm here for you forever and I'd still give you the world right now." I gave a little nod and leaned into his touches, and then returned it by reminding him that there was always a chance that we could get back together in the future.

I let him kiss me that last time. A very soft, loving kiss. I didn't even care that my parents could see that one because I felt that I owed it to both of us to let that kiss happen. For Seungcheol, it was a last-ditch attempt at reminding me that he genuinely had feelings for me and wanted to make things work. For me, it was a way of reminding myself that there was always a chance for us to make something of it in the future. A chance that I would wake up one morning and think to myself, "I would like nothing more than to marry Choi Seungcheol, bear his children and raise a beautiful life with him." Of course, the chances of me actually doing that were pretty damn slim, but it didn't necessarily mean that it wasn't going to happen. In life, these things aren't certain at all. I found that out through one of the other shows we watched together, actually. A couple who had broken up five years prior to their appearance on the show just happened to go on at the same time, and they had ultimately decided that it was worth giving their relationship a second chance.

Perhaps that would be us.

I wasn't holding my breath, though. I was pretty certain that I wasn't going to change my mind about the kids, and I usually have a pretty good sense of myself in that sort of way. But I supposed that I could always just hope that something ticked in my mind, like a sudden urge to procreate that came out of absolutely nowhere so that I would be able to have a future with him.

Funnily enough, I didn't start crying over it properly until around ten o'clock that night. I was reading a book whilst my mother watched a film, and then I suddenly just felt a pang in my chest, as if my heart was destroying itself. And without warning, I burst into tears and had to put my book down to one side. Of course, my mother was by my side right away and wrapped her arms around me as she told me that it was going to be okay and that things would work out better soon enough, but that didn't really mean that it actually _was_ going to improve. The thing was, I hadn't told her everything about our relationship. I told her that we broke up because I didn't want children and I didn't think it was fair to stop him from having a family when he wanted one so much, but I hadn't mentioned how Seungcheol's mother tried to guilt me into having children with him. I didn't tell her how she tried to tell me that my own mother would hate me if I didn't give her grandchildren.

There were a number of other things too. I hadn't told her that I had been seeing him before I was actually officially seeing him, that we had experienced some tension when I was with Mingyu because he told me that I had an STI and that my boyfriend was diabetic before I was even aware of the situation, and I hadn't even told her that we were planning on moving into a bigger house together. There was only so much she could do to comfort me, even though she was trying incredibly hard to show me that things would be fine. But the reality of the matter is that that sort of thing isn't always fine. You can't just say that someone will get over it because there's a chance they won't. You see, you're essentially forced to get over it if the other person isn't in love with you anymore. What else can you do? Either they'll cut you out of their life for good or you have to watch them falling in love with other people. It hurts, but it's something that has to happen.

If you're still in love with someone and they're still in love with you, however, things get a little bit harder. You're stuck wanting each other still but neither of you will cave and try to make things work between you again. There's still a reason why you broke up and you have to honour that. And there's usually a fear that comes alongside it too. For example, if you broke up because you were always too busy for each other and you suddenly got freed up, would you want to try again? Maybe, but what if your good memories of being a couple were destroyed by the fact that you were finally able to see each other and you ultimately ended up getting on each other's nerves so much that you don't even want to see the other person anymore?

I think that was another thing that bothered me, actually. The thought that I would decide I wanted children in the future and it would ruin everything. That was possibly even another reason why I was crying over him like that; I had figured that we simply weren't meant to be and there was no chance for us, even though we had decided that we would make things work in the future if we had the chance to do so, and the thought that it was all impossible hurt more than knowing that we were possibly just taking an extended break.

All I really knew, though, was that I loved Choi Seungcheol more than I could possibly describe and I regretted the fact that I couldn't give him everything that he wanted in life. If I could, I wouldn't have given anyone the chance to have him. I would have married him on the spot and given him everything. I would have had that litter of children with him and we would have built ourselves up until we were earning good money, and we would be the happiest couple to ever walk on this planet. I can guarantee you that much.


	35. Chapter 35

I bet you thought that that was the end of our relationship, didn't you?

Please don't feel bad about it. I thought that, too. I expected that Choi Seungcheol and I were over and that we would end up parting ways for good. One of us would give in to the pressure and resign, and so we would never cross paths again. Perhaps some of our friends would bring the other person up during a conversation and we would have fond memories of the days where we would sneak a kiss in the break room or the night where I dropped my towel in front of Seungcheol and he made love to me on the hotel bed. Perhaps we would be able to push the thoughts of our break-up away for long enough to remember that we were in love with each other, and our feelings still remained once we were no longer a couple. Or maybe we would be stuck in a loop where our friends would avoid bringing the other person up because my mind was always dragged back to the look on Seungcheol's face as he begged me to stay, and he would always be drawn back to how heartless I seemed as I told him that I was breaking up with him because he wanted a marriage and children and I couldn't give him that.

But the reality of the matter was that we had to go into work the following morning. I couldn't call in sick because they would find out from Seungcheol that I wasn't really sick. He would know what had happened and he would be forced to report it to the other managers, since it was an obligation of his job to do so. I also knew that he wouldn't tell them that he wasn't coming in for the day because he had to pay the bills on his own after I left. In fact, he was likely to be picking up extra hours so that he could live comfortably and besides, he was the sort of person who would be doing it to get his mind off the break-up too. So I dragged myself in and hoped that no one would bring it up. I took the store manager straight into the office to tell him about the fact that we were no longer in a relationship and that I had no intention of getting back with him. I told him that I had been the one to break Seungcheol's heart so if anyone was going to be crying at work over it, it would be him. The way I said it probably sounded cold and harsh but the store manager failed to comment on that. Instead, he told me that I could talk to him at any point and he would try to help me through it as much as he helped Seungcheol.

As you can imagine, though, there were questions when I went into work that day. People noticed that Seungcheol and I didn't arrive at work together, even though we were working on the same shift, and so I had to explain to them that I wasn't in the mood to talk about it. The last thing I really needed was for it to spark rumours after just a day, since that would ultimately lead to even more tensions between us and would quickly turn work into a living hell. So in the end, the only person I did tell was Jisoo. I informed him right away that I was having problems because I had broken up with Seungcheol and had to move all of my belongings back into my parents' house at ten o'clock the previous night, and he was so surprised by it that he didn't know what to say. He did apologise, though, and hugged me tightly as he told me that he was there to look after me. "If you need me to fight him or something," Jisoo said, "I'll take him down for you. Don't you worry about that." I have to admit; even though I wasn't going to accept his offer and make two senior members of staff fight it out in the warehouse, I really appreciated the gesture and told him that right away.

Strangely, though, life didn't feel that different without him. I wasn't all that bothered about living with my parents again, and I didn't feel too lonely either. Seungcheol and I passed each other and it was pretty awkward - even though our break-up wasn't anything too negative - but it didn't seem to be much different to usual. If anything, it was like going back to when his nana died and he cried in front of me. Back when he was unnecessarily harsh towards me and made me feel as if I was inadequate. He did his job, I did mine, and he only really spoke to me when he needed to do so. And that was what it was like for a good month or two. Just passing by each other, trying our hardest not to get in each other's way. I would help out with delivery and he would help out with the shop floor, but in a way that didn't require we interact with each other at all. It meant interacting through a third person sometimes, but that didn't seem forced at all when we were putting it into action. Just a simple, "Could you find Seungcheol for me and ask him to verify this purchase?" was all it too, and so the other members of staff were none the wiser.

That doesn't mean it wasn't taxing, mind you. Emotionally more than anything. I think the hardest part of it all was when I realised that I hadn't fallen out of love with him at all. I was still very much in love with him. I wanted to be together. If I was able to give him what he wanted, I would have done it. If I had the organs that would allow me to carry his child, I would consider doing so. And I don't mean that that was the only thing stopping me at all. What I mean is that I would probably give him his own way. If I was on the fence or unenthusiastic about having children, I would simply have unprotected sex with him until I had his child. If I was progressing through the pregnancy and I hated it, we didn't need to go through with it. If I gave birth and hated the child, we could do something. If I didn't end up getting pregnant, we wouldn't have to worry about it. And obviously, if I had a child with Choi Seungcheol and realised that I loved kids, we could have a litter of babies and that would be fine.

It was the ultimate reason why I was penning my letter of resignation, though. There is only so much time that you can keep going before being around your ex-boyfriend on a daily basis really starts to get to you. And I wasn't really feeling it, if I was honest. I could feel my mental health declining with every day that passed. I would see him and my stomach would sink. I saw him chatting with other members of staff and I would want nothing more than to join in with the conversation. I wanted to feel his hug again, and I wanted to feel his lips against mine. Seungcheol had paved a little garden in my heart and the grass underneath wasn't able to start growing again. And so I ended up in a position where I was being incredibly self-destructive, and that was probably made things significantly worse for me. After all, there's only so long that you can keep that paving there before the grass underneath starts to die, and my best efforts to revive it was falling flat.

You can probably imagine what sorts of self-destructive behaviours that I was engaging in, can't you? I went down on a different guy every time I went out. I was sleeping with anyone who asked, and I must have used protection maybe once or twice when people confessed that they were getting treatment for sexually transmitted infections. I signed up to four different dating websites and spent my free time trying to find new people to replace Seungcheol. I was drinking a full bottle of wine to myself every night, under the premise that I needed something to comfort me, and then I began taking painkillers too. Not a good mix with alcohol as it was, but made even worse by the fact that the only pain I was trying to kill was heartache. Of course, none of it was helping me in the slightest. How could it? All that sort of thing will do is make you feel like garbage. Alcohol is a depressant, for starters, and it's easy to develop addictions or dependencies on painkillers. Sleeping with someone new every other night was making me miss him even more, and I wasn't making meaningful connections with anyone. In the end, I simply decided that I was going to write my notice and hand it in before I ended up really hurting myself.

So I sat at home with the pen and paper in front of me, and I didn't move until the letter was written. Granted, it took a lot of drafts and I still wasn't completely happy with it in the end, but it was something that truly highlighted my issues and really explained everything that I was going through. It tapped into my emotions, and I've never really felt that level of relief again since then. It went something like this:

"Dear managers,

It is with the deepest regret that I must resign from my position as Customer Service Advisor. I appreciate all of the support, training, and new experiences that I've had since I began working here.

My reason for resigning is nothing that can be helped by any of the managers here. I'm simply struggling to work alongside my ex-boyfriend and I don't want either of us to have to suffer as a result of us both staying here. I don't wish for him to have his hours reduced because of my continued feelings towards him, but I can't afford to cut my hours either. Working on different shifts only works when you're both on low-hour contracts or in completely different positions, I've found, and I don't really want the only solution to be putting him on night shifts only either because I'm certain that this will affect his mental health significantly. Since he is significantly more valuable to the company, as the most experienced delivery manager, it's only natural that I move on instead of him. 

I hope you understand that I've been struggling with this reality for several weeks and I would appreciate it if my reasoning isn't brought into question. I'm trying my hardest to look out for both us and the company, and so I think that this is the only option. I'm incredibly upset to have to hand in this notice, but I hope that you read this and remember me fondly. If there is anything that I can do to further support my colleagues in the next few weeks, whilst I wait for my decision to come into action, please let me know so that I can make a lasting impact on everyone around me.

Provided that rotas haven't already been made, I would like to finish my time here in two weeks on Monday.

Kindest regards,  
Yoon Jeonghan."

Short and sweet, but involving all of the emotions that I was feeling at the time of writing it. My intention was to hand it in the following day. I had it in my pocket the entire time and so I walked into the place, ready to hand it to the first manager that I could see, only to find that two of the managers had called in sick. It meant that Seungcheol was the only one who was in at that point in time and everyone else was covering the deliveries on his behalf, and so I either had to hand it to him or leave it. And seeing as he would ultimately end up seeing it in the end anyway, I figured that my only option was to give it to him and tell him that I would like it forwarded to the store manager as soon as possible. I watched as Choi Seungcheol's breath was sucked out of his body when the reality hit and he figured out what it was, and then he slowly folded it up and put it into his pocket. "I'd like to talk to you in about half an hour when Soonyoung and Jihoon turn up to cover the shop floor," he said. "I'm not accepting any form of protest."

It meant that the next half an hour of my life was spent waiting it out for the other two to arrive. They turned up whilst I was serving customers, they came onto the shop floor, and then Seungcheol asked Soonyoung to cover me whilst I went through to the office with him to discuss my letter.

I hated that experience - I'm not even going to lie and pretend that I was okay with it. I knew that I wanted to leave and that should have been that, but I couldn't handle the fact that we were going to be in the room alone together. Yet, I wasn't prepared to ask him to bring a second person into the room. I knew that it would simply make that person incredibly uncomfortable and I didn't want to be the person who was responsible for putting someone else into that position. So I simply sat down on the chair in front of him as he moved to the other side of the desk, and then made a conscious decision to keep my eyes where my hands were, rather than on his face. It actually worked to start with, as you can imagine, but the plan crumbled pretty damn quickly when he reached across the table to touch my hand.

"Are you sure that you want to do this?" he asked. I immediately felt my emotions bubble up, even though I had been certain that I wasn't even going to tear up before that, and so I was left crying as I nodded. I watched as Seungcheol's expression shifted to one of alarm, and then he promptly jumped up from the table. He was straight over to my side, encouraging me to stand up, and then promptly leant in to hug me tightly. And whilst I usually wouldn't accept a hug from my ex-boyfriend like that, I had to give in right away. He touched me and I started to cry harder. My face pressed against his neck, and he gently stroked my hair as he whispered soft things about how it was okay and we would sort things out. "It's okay if you want to do this, but it's equally okay if you don't and you just need support," he whispered softly into my ear as he pulled me closer to his body. I gave a little nod, trying my hardest to get all of the tears out as quickly as possible so that it was over with, and then I let out a long, shaky sigh as I naturally nuzzled my face gently against his shoulder.

To start with, I hadn't realised that I'd done it, but then he promptly created a bit of distance between us and I realised. Yet, when I opened by mouth to breathe an apology to him for getting too personal, he simply wiped my tears away with his thumbs and then held my cheeks in his hands. "You're beautiful, Yoon Jeonghan. I miss your smile and the way that you act playful with me. And if you're not sure about leaving, I'd like to suggest that you stay and we try to work this out between us because I don't want you to leave a job you love because you've lost a person you loved. Plenty of people work with their ex-partners after break-ups, at least until someone gets a better opportunity. But I don't think you've even applied for any other jobs, have you?" I wanted to pretend that I _had_ applied elsewhere. I wanted to tell him that I had received countless other job offers and so many other employers wanted me on their team. But I couldn't. I couldn't lie and tell him that when he was trying his hardest to make me feel better about it. So I just shook my head.

Seungcheol gave a gentle sigh and moved the conversation forward. "What is it that affects you the most about this? Is it the fact that people keep making comments about us as a couple or something?" I hesitated for a moment before giving a shrug.  
"I supposed it's everything. Everyone knew that we were in a relationship and now they know that we're not in a relationship, and that in itself is incredibly uncomfortable. It's only made worse by the fact that, as I highlighted in the letter, I'm still very much in love with you and waiting for the moment where my feelings for you fade away." Seungcheol's confidence crumbled right away. I watched as he became unsure of himself and he tried to figure out what he could possibly say to make things better. Of course, it wasn't that easy. The words didn't come naturally for a reason, and that reason was that he didn't expect me to confess to still being in love with him when I was the one who suggested we break up in the first place.

Saying that, though, he wasn't quiet for too long. When he finally perked back up, he had a suggestion. "I think we've probably ended up on pretty bad terms, seeing as we both feel like our hearts have been broken, and that's why we're still attached to each other, you know. After a few weeks, you might still feel something for the other person, but it shouldn't still be there after a few months. So maybe we should do something to make things better between us. Something to relieve that little bit of tension that's been building between us. I know you can feel it too." His voice wasn't all that suggestive, but I think we both knew what he meant right away. The only real way that two adults who loved each other could realistically break the tension. He was hinting that we should have sex at work, in the manager's office. I knew that much right away. His hinting was always obvious and he struggled to hide his emotions. In any other situation, I would have told him - plain and simple - to fuck off and not ask me for something so ridiculous. But I think we both needed it that day. It was like a moment of clarity; something to make us both feel a lot better about the fact that we were struggling with the break-up. Seungcheol needed me, I needed him, and the best way forward was a one-time steamy affair.

It was the odd place in the building that didn't have security cameras. There was nothing to steal in there. It was just the managers' stuff. Their belongings, the files that they kept, and the training procedures. No valuables and not even a laptop. That was kept in the safe room, along with the most expensive phones that we had, and was only allowed in the manager's office when there was someone in there with it. You see, all Seungcheol needed to do was flick the catch on the door and pull the shutters closed on the door, and we would be hidden. We didn't need to be that sneaky at all. He could bend me over the table and breed me, and no one else in the entire place would know about it. By the time we opened the door and had it propped open for a few minutes, the smell of sex would have escaped into the warehouse and no one would be able to tell at all.

He moved back towards me when he had made sure that the door and window were securely closed, and then promptly greeted me with a kiss. It was softer than I imagined, but it was far from his regular kisses. In a way, the usual ones were like chocolate. They cause a spike in your happiness levels and they're indulgent. You might ration yourself and only have one, or you might treat yourself and have every sweet bite that he's giving to you. These ones were like coffee, though. For a brief period, they were my fuel. I drank him up, coaxing him into my mouth as he brought our clothed bodies together. I could sense the addictive properties of those kisses right away - the bitter obsession that I would develop as I took him without sugar - and I already found myself wanting more once I'd started. And then the coffee started to trickle down my body. His hand found the front of my trousers and gave a few hesitant gropes, and then his hand was back in a matter of seconds. It was as if I had filled his body with electric and he wasn't sure of whether he should take the plunge or simply accept his fate.

So I pulled away from the kisses and dropped down to my knees in front of him. I watched the panic rise on his face as I got to work, giving him a taste of the desire that I was feeling at that point in time. My tongue was poison on his flesh, leaving him trembling and his hands searching for something to steady himself. My eyes burned holes in his head as I brought him right to the edge, and then promptly pulled away so that he was left wanting more. As it was, it worked pretty damn well and Seungcheol was left squirming when I pulled away and stood right back up in front of him. I watched as he began to twitch with desire, and then pulled me closer so that he could do what he wanted too. I could feel him pressed against my pelvis as he slipped a hand into the back of my trousers and touched me until I wanted nothing more than to have him inside.

And then our trousers were discarded. There was something inherently filthy about having our work uniform on top but nothing on bottom, made worse by the fact that Seungcheol's trousers were merely left scrunched down to his ankles. It was raunchy and I shouldn't have condoned something that looked like two animals had lost control during mating season. He had me sprawled out on the desk with my legs apart and my goods on display, and then he mounted me and got to work. And I swear, it was an incredibly difficult task to stay quiet. Unlike the boys I'd been with in the months that we had been apart, Seungcheol knew his way around my body better than anyone else possibly could. He knew where to put his hands to best support my hips, and he knew the angle he needed to pound against my sweet spots. He knew how to make my thighs tremble, and he wasn't afraid to try new things that he thought would make me feel amazing.

Considering that we had gone into the office to discuss my notice, I hadn't really expected to come out of the place with the remains of Choi Seungcheol's presence on my body. As much as I could clean myself up with the tissues that he'd given me, I could still feel it on my skin. But there was nothing else that I could really do. I just told him to rip the notice up and put it where no one else would get curious and try to piece it together. We shared one last kiss - one that we didn't really need but that came as a result of the metaphorical coffee addiction - and then parted ways. 

As you can imagine, the only person I told was Jisoo again. I texted him when I was on my break to tell him what I'd done and he told me that I was stupid for doing it. "If you don't want to be with him anymore, you shouldn't be sleeping with him anymore. And I know that you might still have feelings for him, but you know before I even have to tell you that you're going to end up getting back with him. Remember, you didn't break up because you're no longer in love with him. That would make this simple. You broke up with him because you want different things in the relationship, and you know for a fact that it's going to cause tensions." He was right, but I didn't want to admit it. After all, what could I really say to that? I couldn't really argue with him that I was doing it for a reason and that reason was perfectly acceptable. It didn't take a genius to know that what I was doing with him wasn't right, and that was why Jisoo was worried about me. You know, it's actually pretty normal to run back to your ex just a few months after your relationship ends, but that doesn't mean it's right. Especially after your final argument was over something that you've discussed over and over again.

Nevertheless, I was determined to work out my problem on my own from that point onwards. I went home and considered my options. Did I want to write up a second version of my notice now that I was away from the situation and had come down from the high of my affair with Choi Seungcheol? Did I want to send him a message and ask if he wanted to try again? Did I want to simply ask if I could avoid him for a while so that I could get over the embarrassment of dropping my trousers for him as soon as he asked me to do so? There were so many options, but none of them really felt right. Instead, it felt as if I was drowning. Seungcheol and I had now switched our break-up from something that was merely uncomfortable to something that wasn't all that bad. We had made up, even though it wasn't necessarily in the best way, and I suppose that it left us on neutral ground. And so surely, a lot of my options would leave me in a position where I was going to risk ruining that. Handing in my notice again would mean that I was breaking Seungcheol's trust, but so would avoiding him. Asking to try again would lead to heartbreak but so would keeping it to a physical affair.

I pushed it to the back of my mind as much as possible, figuring that it was the best way forward. No notice, no message, and nothing else. I got on with my job, simply trying not to spend too much time with Seungcheol but not ignoring him either. I noticed right away that it seemed to relieve a lot of the tensions at work to just be neutral with him, and so I supposed that perhaps the pay-off was worth it and our decision would get us somewhere. I suppose that that's the beauty of making things seem normal again. People let their guard down, and you're fine to pretend that the relationship didn't happen in the first place. You can be with him at work and no one is holding their breath, and there's no expectation that you'll be arguing either. Addressing rumours becomes easier, especially when your colleagues ask you whether you're seeing each other again, and so the workplace just generally becomes a lot nicer.

On top of that, we gradually started to build things up from the bottom again, just so that we would be able to enjoy time with our friends without things being awkward. You know, Jisoo was the only one who wasn't in a relationship by that point, which was inherently going to make things difficult. You don't want to spend time with your friends, only to find that they're cuddly and affectionate with their partners and you're sat there like a sack of potatoes, side-eyeing your ex-boyfriend. In no way do I mean that this involved us trying to fix our relationship because, as I said, I'm incredibly stubborn and I wasn't prepared to get back with a guy who wanted a marriage and children when I wanted the opposite, but we did try to fix our friendship. Between going along to the social events and spending time in the group, we managed to get to the point where we were comfortable enough to joke around with each other. We were able to dance together when we went to a club with our friends, and when he playfully pulled me close to his chest, I could jokingly tell him that he needed to get a girlfriend, rather than grinding on me. He laughed and told me that he wasn't going to get a girlfriend, and then continued dancing with me as if I'd said nothing at all. 

So I suppose that our break-up did everyone well in the end, and the fact that we'd ended up messing around together in the manager's office made things that little bit better. It made sure that we were able to get back into the loop of our social circle, everything at work was a lot more comfortable than it had been when we were in the early stages of our break-up. It relieved a significant amount of tension between us, and I think it made us that little bit friendlier with each other too. As much as I hated to admit that I genuinely enjoyed doing that sort of thing with him, I couldn't even begin to describe how much good it did for us.


	36. Chapter 36

The issue with life, though, is that there's always a chance that you'll have too much of a good thing. Too much chocolate, for example. Too much coffee or sugar. Too many fillings in your sandwich and so much ice cream that it's dribbling all over your hands whilst you're trying your hardest to eat it quickly. In my case, there was too much of a good thing with Choi Seungcheol. Or too much of him in general, I suppose.

You see, whilst we tried to keep it capped at just that one fling, we found that the romance came back in an instant. It was as if we never broke up in the first place. And I hated it more than I could possibly describe. The issue here is that we were trying our hardest to distance ourselves, but then we ended up wanting each other even more. And I'm sure that other people could tell that we were still very much in love with each other. The people we'd told directly about our break-up seemed to be confused by the fact that we were still flirting when we were around each other, and even Jisoo didn't know what to make of it. After all, there's only so much support you can give to your best friend when you don't understand what's going on in their stupid head, and I do feel that this was one of those situations where he really didn't get me. Understandably so, I think, but I wasn't going to tell him that I agreed with the fact that he was confused by me. Instead, I just told him that I needed his support and so he did exactly what I said in an attempt to make sure that things were going smoothly enough for me in our arrangement.

I wish I hadn't delved back into that slippery slope, though. It would have been nice and simple. In fact, you could probably imagine it. Imagine me in my thirties, enjoying life with a beautiful man who wooed me one day. We would be partners but we wouldn't be married. We would have no children and no desire to have any. We would work casual hours, but we would have enough time for each other too and we would probably even have the time to be able to go on holidays to exotic places several times a year. He would love me and I would love him, and that would be it. But I knew right away that I wasn't going to have that chance. Sometimes, you just see a situation and know that it's going to negatively affect the rest of your life. But you do it anyway because that's what you feel you have to do, and so that was my first big mistake in this situation.

The thing was, I wasn't even bothered by it at the time. I knew that it was going to cause problems for us, but my dumb early-twenties mind was telling me that as long as we capped it at flirting and sex, I wouldn't end up falling for him harder. We would be able to keep things at that casual level and then I would eventually be able to leave him for that beautiful man who wooed me. He would get a beautiful wife instead and have that litter of children that he had been hoping for, and it would all be absolutely perfect because that's how we planned it out. See, there's no harm in admitting that that's how you're going to let things run out, and that you would be relying on your willpower to push away from each other when the time was right. Relationships can't be all perfect, and this was certainly an example of that in action. So I just let it continue. I continued to hit on him when I had the chance to do it, and then we would try our hardest to have a sneaky affair on the side.

Sometimes, it would involve having sex at work. Something that wasn't sanitary in the slightest, but we didn't really care that much at all. There were only security cameras in the areas of the shop where members of the public could go, plus the security rooms and managers' offices. It meant that I didn't need to worry about doing anything with him anywhere else in the store. There were periods in which I rubbed him through his trousers when we were hiding in the back of the store together and there were no picks coming through on my headset. We took it to the accessible toilet at one point, and Seungcheol simply acted as if he was helping me to unblock it because he had sent me in to clean it and I had informed him that there were faeces there that wouldn't go down. I'd even blown him in the staff room at one point. I was underneath the table with it in my mouth, and then I pretended that I had dropped a load of change on the floor when someone eventually came in at the wrong time.

More often than not, though, we would end up going home with each other. It was something that we tried to make pretty subtle, though. I would walk in the direction of my place and he would walk in the direction of his, and then we would do a loop around when none of our colleagues were around before going home together. Sometimes, we would make an announcement during the shift that we needed to get something very specific from a 7-Eleven or GS25 on the way home, just so that it made sense for us to walk in the same direction of a while, and other times, we would have a playful spat about how we were supposed to be going to the same bar after work for drinks. "I don't really want to frequent the same place as my ex-boyfriend," I would tell him.  
"Well, it's tough shit because I've already told everyone that I'm going there," he would reply dryly. Of course, by the end of the night we would be going to the nearest park or alleyway for a quick romp, but no one else needed to know that. As far as they were concerned, we were going our separate ways.

In itself, it wasn't a huge issue if I went home with him. I told my parents that I was staying with Jisoo and naturally, my best friend would cover me without questioning it at all. I would get to see the cat, which was a huge bonus, and everything would just feel so familiar that we didn't need to worry about the fact that we were no longer in a relationship. For a little while, it would be something that we could push to the back of our minds. We could pretend that we were still together and still very much in love and that we had merely spent a couple of weeks apart. I had gone to my parents' house because there was a little bit of tension, but then I was coming home and we were together once more, and that moment was to be celebrated with spread thighs and heaving chests. For a while, it certainly felt like that and I really do feel like having that fantasy was having the ultimate form of escapism that was around.

Saying that, though, we did have a couple of issues when we went back to my parents' place instead. I had to sneak him into the house and find him something to eat without my parents catching on to the fact that I had him there. I'm sure that whilst they didn't mind me taking boys home, they would probably have a little bit of an issue with me taking Choi Seungcheol home. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before but my parents have pretty strict views on what is and isn't appropriate in life. In particular, they're very bothered about those people who end their relationship with each other and then spend the next few months sleeping with each other anyway. It's a waste of time, my mother always says; if you're still attracted to them, there's no point in being apart from them. If you're not attracted to them or there's a problem in your relationship that resulted in your break up, she says that it's only fair on both parties to keep it that way and avoid going near each other again. And if you've broken up for whatever reason, she says that the best plan is to just stay apart because there's obviously some reason why you didn't work out in the first place.

It was why we had to be quiet whilst we were there. I didn't particularly like that, since I was so concerned about the risk of being caught out by her and getting us both yelled at over it, but I guess it was only fair to switch between the houses. It was going to be too suspicious if we were always heading towards his house and my parents would quickly figure out that I was seeing someone if I was constantly coming home late, and if nothing else, it was going to ruin Seungcheol's reputation at work if someone guessed what was happening. You see, if he's supposed to be supervising people and setting a good example, it was going to go downhill pretty damn quickly if people found out that he was screwing one of his colleagues - his ex-boyfriend, of all people - on a regular basis when he wasn't even in a relationship. And if that didn't do it, I'm sure the fact that he told everyone that we're not seeing each other would do the trick.

So, despite the fact that I wasn't all that fond of that option, we continued with it. Seungcheol was always prepared to roll underneath my bed if we were to be caught together, just so that my mother didn't see the fact that I had him in there, and I always made sure to remind her to knock on my door from the moment I started taking him home. "I could be touching myself and you would walk in to see all of my goods on display," I told her sternly one day. Thankfully, he wasn't with me at the time, but there was always the chance that he could have been. "What if I'd brought a boy home with me and we were under the covers together?" I asked her another time. She looked shocked by what I'd said, but promptly informed me that I should tell her if I was planning on having boys over at the house. She would make a special effort not to come into my room, she said, and then we would be able to avoid it as much as possible.

That was what we ended up doing, by the way. I ended up having to tell her that I was having a date over during the day, and then I would sneak him up to my room before giving her that reminder. Strangely enough, I think it made things a little bit easier for us. I was able to be a little bit louder, knowing full well that if she heard us going at it in my bedroom, she wouldn't dare to open the door on us. And sure, it's really gross and uncomfortable to think that your parents might be able to hear you having sex with someone, I guessed that it was the lesser of two evils. It was better that she heard me with him than if she opened the door to see him on top of me. To be honest with you, I think she would have chased him out of the house with his clothes clutched in his hands if she caught him in bed with me, even if we did end on pretty good terms, and the last thing I really needed was to have that discussion with her later on in the evening.

After all, I'm her baby. There's no denying it and no changing it. Until I die, I'm always going to be her child and she's going to hold grudges on my behalf. She's seen absolutely everything, so the things I experience hurt her too. Picture me as a toddler, trying my hardest to move around the main room. I fell over and smashed my head off the table so hard that I ended up having to go to hospital. My mother cried with me. Now, picture the first time I went on a rollercoaster. The first time I lost a tooth. The time I fell over on the playground and cut both of my knees open. The day I started high school and had to wear a tie for the first time. The first time I had my heart broken, and the first time I was bullied for having the wrong sort of backpack in a school that was filled with rich students. Imagine watching your son panicking over his exams, crying in his room because he doesn't know how to come out to you, and then shyly telling you straight after his first kiss and first time because he trusts you so much that he doesn't feel embarrassed about telling you.

Now, imagine that your son is an adult. He was treated like he was less than human by another member of staff. He spent a lot of his time getting stressed and anxious about going into work because he never felt sufficient. And then he ends up going on a date with that boy and brings him home. They have loud oral sex in his bedroom and then pass out drunk, only to go to work together the next morning. They end up deciding that they want to have a relationship. They're absolutely in love with each other and decide that they're going to move in together, even though you're sure it's too early. They don't know each other well enough to move in yet and you know that, but you don't think it's appropriate to tell him how to live his life, so you watch it going down in front of your eyes. They do move in together. They get a cat. They're planning on moving houses and starting their lives in a place that better reflects them as people. It'll be better than their current bachelor pad, but it might be too much.

And then they break up because they have differences. They want different things from the future and they have different feelings of what makes a family. The boy's mother makes your son cry, and they ultimately decide that they're over. So he moves back in with you. You watch him crying for the first night and spend the evening cuddling him. The tears continue for a week or two, several times a week, until eventually he starts to pick himself up. He gets better; he's starting to spend more time with his friends and go out more, and you can see that he's visibly a lot happier. You assume that he either got over his ex-boyfriend and that he has someone else to love. Someone who will treat him a lot better and someone who has similar feelings towards family life as he does. You can see it starting off in a similar way - in which they're both focusing on the physical side to things first - but you think it'll work out better with this new person. Your son is smitten and you can tell that he's healing.

Then you find out that he's seeing his ex-boyfriend again. That they're not in a relationship but they're sleeping together. They're loud in the bedroom when you walk past, and it's uncomfortable to be too near to that sort of thing. How do you think my poor mother would feel? I know how I would feel if my son was in that position; I would hold a grudge against the person he broke up with, even if it was his decision to end the relationship in the first place, and I would never forgive him. It wouldn't matter whether they stayed apart or got back together in ten years - I would still hate to see my child going through that, and that's why I can see why she would respond in that sort of way. I can't blame her in the slightest, you see. Those sorts of things are difficult for parents, especially if they've seen that the relationship didn't work out in the first place.

Don't get me wrong, though, I did suggest to Seungcheol that we stop because I knew that my mother would be upset if she found out about us. I told him that we had broken up and I did have to agree that we should stay broken up, but Seungcheol simply flashed me a smile and continued using his fingers on me. "I understand what you're saying but I'm personally not bothered by what we're doing and if you're not personally bothered either, I don't see the harm in it. I guess we're pretty much just friends-with-benefits or something, aren't we?" I agreed, but something still felt off. I suppose you can imagine that that was the case, really. I think I was still very worried about the fact that it would hurt my mother and I did have to agree that having that sort of relationship with an ex-partner was a bit odd, but I didn't know how to say it to him. In fact, I didn't even know whether I _wanted_ to say it to him.

So I didn't say anything. I kept my mouth shut and let it happen because I knew that deep in my heart, I still wanted to be with him and that was the next best thing. The thing about relationships is that you're not always going to get what you want and sometimes you need to compromise, and I supposed that whilst we were both unsure about starting a relationship again, we were still going to continue with what we had started because it meant that we could still be together. Maybe not in the way that we were hoping for, but we were still able to be together nonetheless, and that was better than having nothing at all. The kisses and touches that we shared made up for the fact that everything was tough between us, and we chose to simply pretend that there was nothing to talk about if anyone ever brought it up. After all, no one else really needed to know what we did together, and they certainly didn't need to know the ins and outs of the complex affair that we were having.

Funnily enough, the only things that _did_ end up coming up were my suggestions for him to find someone else. At least once every time we slept together, the topic ended up coming to the surface. And whilst it ended up becoming a running joke in the end, I could tell that it frustrated Seungcheol at the start. "How am I supposed to find someone else when I'm still in love with you?" he huffed one day. His eyebrows were knitted together in frustration, and he had simply stopped thrusting into me altogether so that he could argue with me about the fact that he didn't want to date anyone else instead of actually dropping it as I thought he would. I stared at him, dead in the eyes, before telling him what I thought about it.  
"Seungcheol, you can't just continue to screw me and hope that I'll want to meet all of your needs," I replied as I shuffled up the bed to distance myself from him a bit. He scowled.  
"Jeonghan, I'm not screwing you because of that. I'm screwing you because I'm in love with you and I know that you love me too."

It led to a huge argument, admittedly. We ended up almost in tears, with me curled up on one side of the bed and him on the other. He told me that he didn't want to hear it again, and that he was sick of hearing about a theoretical girlfriend who would never exist. I told him that I was going home and went to grab my clothes, but then he instantly sobered and apologised for it, telling me right away that he hadn't meant for it to come across as being as mean as it was. Rather, he just wanted to tell me that he wanted me and nothing was going to change that, and frankly there was no way that I would be able to find a girl who would make him feel the same things that I made him feel. And then, as you can imagine, we ended up going at it again. Rough and forceful; he thrust into me so hard that I was screaming and my knuckles were turning white, and he just simply kissed my neck and told me that he would be gentler with me if I wanted that but he thought it would be best to get all of the anger and hurt out. I agreed with him, though, and so we just continued until I was a sobbing mess on the bed, covered in both my body fluids and his.

After that, I decided not to bring it up again. it was too much to bring up something like that and have another argument. But then Seungcheol brought it up when we were with each other, and I was surprised to find that he didn't sound bitter at all. "Find me a girl with an ass as nice as yours," he breathed into my ear as he traced his fingertips over my skin. I let out a little noise on reflex, and Seungcheol simply gave a sweet little smile. "If I ever did get a girlfriend, she'd have to accept that she's my second best and you're always going to be right at the top of my list." And then he started to go into detail. He began to tell me how much he loved the shape of my body and how he would have to have an open relationship if he couldn't have me all to himself. He wouldn't be able to live the rest of his life without being able to touch me because I was the only guy who had the power to turn him on like that, or so he said. His lips began to trail over my neck as he said it, and then he was ravaging me again.

I never really anticipated that Choi Seungcheol could be rough like that. He's not really the sort, I don't think, and it was odd to see him so aroused that he was all over me. But that's not to say that it was unwelcome. Between the way that he grabbed my thighs and the way that he became possessive enough to make it seem as if he was laying claim to me, I found it all very arousing and I loved watching how worked up he got every time he brought up the fact that I was better than any girl he could have. In fact, I think it started to become a little bit of a kink for him to think about how no one could replace me, as weird as it probably sounds. Not that I had any complaints, mind you, but it just seemed to be a little bit unusual to have a man grabbing my thighs hard and telling me that he wanted nothing more than to show his future girlfriend how attracted to me he was. Especially since I'm at least ninety percent sure that no girl would want to see their man grinding on another man like he would do to me.

As selfish as it was, though, it did make me realise that my chances of spending the rest of my life with Choi Seungcheol were pretty high. I could spend my time trying to figure things out and I guessed that he would still be single, waiting for me to be his. I could try my hardest to be the sort of man who could give him the world, perhaps throw myself into the world of children and marriage so that I felt prepared when our time came or something. I was determined to figure things out in reasonable time so that I could - plainly and simply - turn the affair into something permanent again. But I wasn't going to rush it. I wasn't the sort of man who would see that Seungcheol wanted me and spend the next six months doing everything in my power to convince myself that I wanted what he wanted. If I couldn't do that in our relationship, it wasn't going to be a quick fix, but I trusted that he knew that and was willing to wait for me. Nevertheless, it was something that I was going to start and it was something that would surprise both of us in the end.

Or so I thought. I mean, that was the plan. I didn't really have the time to do that, between screwing Seungcheol four times a week and trying to maintain a healthy work-home environment for the rest of my time, but it was something that I absolutely intended on doing. So I wrote it down on paper, just like any other adult would do. Eventually, I would volunteer at a nursery and see if I could get children to like me. Maybe I would pretend to be engaged to Seungcheol so that we could taste cakes together, just so that I would be able to see whether I got a sudden rush of excitement when I thought about us actually making wedding plans. I hoped to spend time around my younger cousins, and I also had a plan to take some of them to the local park so that I would be able to act as if I was a parent or something. Maybe I could take a fake engagement ring too, in hopes that it would spark conversation with the other people who were there.

It was an ambitious plan to get myself used to things, but I guessed that it was something we both knew would take a while anyway. Even if I was to do one thing every couple of months, I guessed that it would be a little bit of a step up from what it was at that point in my life, so perhaps I wouldn't even need to go through all of the steps before I realised that I was actually quite happy with the thought of having your typical nuclear family with two parents, two children, maybe a pet or two, and a suburban home in Songdo. My plan was to wait for the right time to do it - a period in which I wasn't under too much stress and wasn't suffering with any particular mood problems, and then I would dip right into it and persevere until I'd completed at least six weeks of each task. If I hated it, there were other things that I could do instead. If I loved it, I would be able to spend more time doing it.

But then, of course, things had to go downhill again. You know how it is with me. I can't have anything in life that goes absolutely right for too long. Something has to be there to absolutely shatter my hopes and dreams and leave me in a position where I, quite frankly, hate myself. I hate the fact that I've let someone in, and I hate the fact that I'm getting absolutely nothing positive out of it anymore.

I'm sure you could tell me what happened without me even having to tell you first.

Choi Seungcheol came running over to me with a look of excitement on his face. He had just started his shift and it was around two o'clock in the afternoon, meaning that he had a good part of the day to himself. "What's the news? Did something good happen to you this morning?" I asked him. But then his smile faded and he looked as if he was questioning whether or not he should tell me what had come up during his day. It was as if he was confused by it and didn't know whether it was appropriate for me to know or not. So I pushed it a little bit more until he eventually caved and told me what was on his mind. At that point, his eyes dropped down with what appeared to be shame, and then he mumbled what had happened so that it didn't seem as if he was too enthusiastic about it. As if I hadn't just seen him getting excited over it.

"Oh, uh, it's not a huge deal, actually. A girl who I see in the grocery store a lot just asked if I would go on a date with her or something. She said she liked seeing me and thought it would be nice if we got coffee together." And then he started ranting about how he probably wouldn't bother turning up. How it was almost certainly going to be a rebound if he was going to get with someone else so soon after we broke up. And sure, my heart shredded into a thousand tiny pieces, but I tried my hardest to seem excited as I told him that it was great and he should go for the date and ask her to be his girlfriend, if he was that excited about being asked out by her in the first place.

I cried over it. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't. I went home after that shift and poured my heart out on my pillow.


	37. Chapter 37

"Surely this is the end of your affair with Seungcheol," you're probably thinking. "He has a girlfriend at this point in the story, and that means he's moved on from you." Well, I'm sorry to say it, but you're wrong.

Admittedly, things did run dry for the first few weeks. Seungcheol was determined to spend as much time with her as possible. They were inseparable. I told him that I didn't want to be around him at that point in time, since I was so worried that I would end up feeling jealous, and he apologised for being all over her. He told me that he didn't really know whether he really liked her, so he was trying his hardest to push himself to like her. He was struggling a lot, since she was already insistent that it was time to say that they loved each other and he really didn't feel it. She was just a girl from one of the places he went to often, and that didn't necessarily mean that she was the one for him.

But he felt awkward about breaking up with her. After all, he did really think that she was a nice girl. There was no denying that at all. But his issue was with the fact that a person can be nice but they might not be the best in a relationship. You see, he worked it out pretty quickly. He was excited to go on a date with her because it was fresh and new and he thought that it would help him to get over our relationship that bit quicker. He was excited over the thought of it all, and he thought that it would simply go amazingly well and then he would spend the rest of his life with her. He thought that it was the quick solution to us. But then he worked it out after the first date. She was an attractive girl, but he wasn't attracted to her. He thought that she would make a great friend, but he wasn't all too sure about having her as a lover. And that would have all been fine on a regular first date. First dates don't always work out and that's completely normal. But then she took a phone call from her mother and said that she was with her boyfriend and Seungcheol realised that he was already in too deep.

He didn't have the guts to tell her that he wasn't her boyfriend. So he guessed he just ended up getting with her right then. What else could he do? Break her heart just after she had spoken to her mother? Interrupt her when she was on the phone to point out that they weren't actually in a relationship, and that she should have asked him before making such a claim? He wasn't like that at all, and that was why he ended up accepting it. He simply stayed completely quiet about it and went home, and then he proceeded to just tell everyone that he was in a relationship on the spot, in hopes that it convinced him to like her. Then he tried going on more dates with her, almost every single night so that he could feel as if he actually knew her. He allowed her to kiss him when he wasn't really ready to do that so close to the start of a relationship. And then he took her to bed, after just two and a half weeks with her. But none of it did anything to make him feel any more comfortable with the arrangement. Even sleeping with her didn't change a thing for him, surprisingly enough. He didn't enjoy it, and he told me that he spent the entire time thinking about us instead. Thinking about the sorts of things that we had done together, and how much he missed it when he knew that we couldn't engage in that sort of activity.

The worst part? She got him a "one-month anniversary" card and gift. He turned up at my house that day, having informed her that he was going to work so he couldn't spend the evening with her. We weren't expecting visitors at the time so I almost considered ignoring the knocks, but then my mother was insistent that I answer it so I begrudgingly made my way over to the door. Then I saw him stood there, and all of those bothersome feelings washed right away. I was genuinely surprised to find him knocking on the door so openly, especially after we'd discussed that he probably wasn't welcome at my parents' house, but then he lifted up the envelope and wrapped gift, both inked beautifully with his name, and I instantly knew that I had to let him into the house. We went straight up to my bedroom and took a seat on my bed, and then he collapsed back against the pillows. For a while, he was silent, but then he flashed a glance at me. "Jeonghan, what the fuck have I got myself into?" he asked, and then promptly sat so that he could find out what she'd actually bought for him. He opened the envelope very slowly before taking the card out, and then he flopped right back on the bed.

She had penned in "one-month" above "anniversary" on the card in thick black marker. When he opened it up, it contained a love poem and a very personal message about how it was the best month of her life. She claimed that whilst she had only been dating him for a month, she had been admiring him for much longer, so she could genuinely say that she loved him, and she just hoped that he felt the exact same way for her. She also pointed out that she didn't expect a one-month anniversary gift back from him, since it was supposed to be a huge surprise, and she simply wanted him to appreciate it. I almost laughed when he read that bit out. it was strikingly obvious that Seungcheol didn't appreciate it in the slightest and instead, he was feeling incredibly uncomfortable over it. The card was tossed carelessly to one side without any further regard, and then he snatched up the gift to check what was inside. And as you can guess, it wasn't anything better. It was actually arguably worse. A soppy letter is one thing, but a box of aphrodisiac chocolates was something entirely different.

He _groaned._ She had been hoping that they would be able to spend the night getting sexy with each other, and that was why she took them around to his place and expected to be able to spend the night. That was also probably why she had been anticipating that he would be able to spend time with her after work too. "I genuinely can't think of anything worse than this," he told me as he placed the chocolates to the side. "Can you imagine something like this happening? I'm dating a child."  
"It's not that bad," I lied as I reached over to touch his hair. As awkward as I expected it to be, I actually found that I wasn't all that bothered by it at all by that point. The discomfort was completely gone. I knew that he was still all mine without him even having to tell me, and I really think that he felt that too. "I mean, at least she's being nice enough to give you these sorts of things. If you wanted, you could probably use the chocolates for an intense masturbation session or something. Maybe." And then I erupted into laughter. I couldn't help myself, and neither could Seungcheol. He joined me in laughing, and then he let out an exasperated sigh.

"That's not what I mean. Who gives one-month anniversary presents at twenty-four years old, seriously? It's not an anniversary until you've been together for a year." I could see his point, admittedly. It isn't really something you to when you're an adult. Maybe when you're thirteen, but not when you're at our age. It suggested to me that perhaps she'd not ever had a long-term relationship before, or that she was still stuck in that phase of life where every month with a new partner is a huge achievement. And frankly, I didn't know what was worse. "And the chocolates," he continued, his voice breathy and disbelieving. "She got me a gift. Is this what she thinks we'll be doing every month throughout this relationship because I don't think I can handle that."  
"How about you just break up with her, then? It's probably better than being disappointed by your relationship." Seungcheol let out a groan and shook his head slowly. I could see the pain in his eyes right away.

"We're going to her mom's wedding together in a few weeks. She told everyone that we're together and she's shown everyone photos of us on our dates. And they're talking about what a cute couple we are. In fact, she even came to my place when she knew my parents were visiting so that I could introduce them. So I think if I ended it now, I would be in masses of trouble."  
"She met your parents already?" I echoed. I couldn't help but sound shocked by it, and Seungcheol immediately caught onto that. He offered up a hopeful smile in my direction before giving a slow nod.  
"I know. I'm not happy with it either. But what can I even say to her? 'Don't turn up to my house when my parents are here because I don't want them to meet you until we've been together for at least a year'? That would just come across as rude and I know for a fact she would start crying and calling me mean for it."

I had to admit, she did sound even more like a child when he said it like that. And even more so when he finally spilt everything that she had done in the short time they'd been together. All of the issues with her not wanting him to go out with us all so that he could have a few drinks. The times where she wanted to stay over at his place, even though he told her that he didn't want to have her around for too long. He had to take care of adult things, like bills and work, and he didn't need a girl getting all obsessive over him. Then there were the times where she tried to buy him a new wardrobe because she thought he would look nice in all black clothes but his wardrobe was too colourful. Apparently, he spent ages trying to convince her not to buy anything for him. It had led to her having a sulk in his bedroom whilst he stayed in the main room, and that in itself was incredibly difficult for him to handle too, since she ended up leaving wearing one of his jumpers.

"I don't know how much longer I can stand this," Seungcheol told me. I could tell that he was absolutely serious and I knew that I should have felt sorry for him, but I had an immediate feeling of excitement in the pit of my stomach. The first relationship since we broke up, and he was already planning on ending it a little after a month. It gave me the chance to comfort him too, which would ultimately earn me a few extra points. I pressed a hand to his shoulder and put on my saddest face, and then I promptly told him that I felt bad for him.  
"You know I'm always here for you," I announced. "Even if we're not together anymore, I wouldn't want to see you in a bad place because of a girl. I'm always going to be here to support you and make sure that you're able to talk to at least one person whenever you need it." He offered a smile in response.  
"I appreciate it. I really think that this relationship goes on for too long, I might need you to pretend to be my lover or something so that I'll be able to get rid of her."

"I'm always down to help you with that. In fact, I'll even go to her myself and tell her that her possessive attitude is pushing you away, if that's what it takes. I'll make sure that she never bothers you again without you even needing to lift a finger." Seungcheol's smile grew weaker when I said it. I hadn't really expected that, especially since I was going into a huge speech about how I was going to look out for him, but then he moved towards me in one quick sweep and pressed our lips together. His mouth was soft and gentle, giving me enough space to move away if I wanted to do so, but I quickly decided that it was the last thing I really wanted to do. As selfish as it was, I wanted to kiss Seungcheol back and claim him for myself. So I kissed him back, not even caring that he was seeing someone else. I allowed him to coax my lips apart and then press the tips of our tongues together. The sensation sent sparks through my body right away, and they also gave Seungcheol the kindling to push me onto my back and set those sparks alive.

He was on top of me right away. He moved between my thighs and I wrapped my legs around him right away. And then his hands were on my wrists. Gentle and loving; he knew exactly what he wanted from me and I knew what I wanted back from him. I was ready to go ahead and push my morals to one side. He didn't love her, after all, and I doubted that she really loved him either. She was a little girl who was confused about the difference between infatuation and love, and that was where the problem was. Choi Seungcheol wanted an adult relationship with another adult human, and no amount of childish banter would ever get her to that stage with him. I, on the other hand, had no issue with getting there. He took my hands in his own and kissed me harder, and then pressed our chests together. I moved one of my legs further up his back, encouraging him to crush out bodies that little bit closer so that I would be able to feel his heartbeat through his chest. 

And then he pulled away. He was breathless from the kiss and his eyes were glazed over with lust. I could see that he wanted me more than anything in the entire world, and that was what made things incredibly difficult for me. I wanted him back, but I didn't really know how far I was willing to go when he was in a relationship with someone else. Or at least, I _wasn't_ sure how far I wanted to go until he eventually pressed our foreheads together and ran a thumb across my cheek. "I want to have sex with you again," he told me and I immediately knew the answer to my own problem. I was going to give him exactly what he wanted without questioning it. I was consumed by my need for him and I didn't care that he had a girlfriend in the slightest. I genuinely couldn't care any less than I did at that point in time. So I leant forward to pop the first button of the work shirt that he had worn on his way over - his attempt at making his claim come to life - and then he immediately started to ravage me.

My clothes were torn off in an instant, and I tried my hardest to take his off just as quickly. His leg got caught and we ended up laughing before sharing another kiss, then he flashed a glance over to the chocolate box on the floor next to where we were laid. "Should we give them a try?" he asked. A smirk started playing on his lips right away and so I batted at him.  
"What would you tell her if she asked where they all went? Especially after you told her that you were at work tonight - she's going to think you're having an affair." At that point, he pulled me closer to his body and began kissing down my neck. Every kiss was deliberate and made me soften slightly under his touches, and so he waited for me to turn into putty in his arms before continuing.  
"I _am_ having an affair," Seungcheol pointed out. "Aren't I? We're about to sleep together and I think that's the definition of having an affair."

He had a fair point but I wasn't happy with him at all. It wasn't the right response at all. He wasn't supposed to be happy about the fact that we were having an affair. But I couldn't stay angry at him for too long because he put a chocolate between his lips and leant down so that I could take a bite out of it, and so I begrudgingly accepted his offer. It was a chocolate truffle, which made it particularly enjoyable, and it only got better when he pressed a second one to my lips. Then he ate one on his own and slipped a hand right down my side so that he could warm my body to the fact that he was going to grab my thigh. At that point, he gently nudged them apart that little bit further, then the hand continued until it was prodding at my entrance. He circled it once, then looked me right in the eyes. "Can I do this?" he asked. I hesitated for a moment, trying my hardest to figure out how I really felt about it.

The fact of the matter is that I was still very immature at that stage in life. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I don't condone the sorts of things I did when I was that age. I don't condone the fact that I was encouraging his affair, under the premise that he didn't actually want to be with her in the first place so it didn't matter all that much, and I don't condone the fact that I felt that it should have all been on Seungcheol's head. You see, in my mind it all made sense. I wasn't in a relationship but Seungcheol was. Therefore, I wasn't the one having an affair. I couldn't be blamed for it because he was the only one who was cheating. Even though I knew that he was having an affair when he was in a relationship, I wasn't going to cake the blame when I wasn't seeing anyone at that point in time. So I let it happen. I let him feed me the chocolates until we were both sufficiently aroused, then I let him take me.

The worst part was the fact that it felt even better knowing that he wasn't mine to have. I felt as if I was on top of the world; his body was moving against mine in a way that sucked all of the breath out of my body. We had done it more times since we broke up than we had whilst we were actually together, funnily enough, but this was definitely the nicest fling we'd had since we had been apart. Seungcheol was not only gentle, but he also knew how to make my body ache for him. And the chocolates only added to the excitement. They left my skin flushed and aching to be touched, and I couldn't help but beg for Seungcheol to be rougher with me. He commented on the fact that he could feel my heart racing more than usual when he pressed our bodies together, which he thought was a sign that we take the time to calm it down, but I insisted to him that we were going to finish what we started. So he listened to me and made sure to continue with the same enthusiasm as he tried his hardest to make me feel amazing.

As you can imagine, we couldn't bring ourselves to tell his girlfriend. Even though I was usually the person to encourage someone to tell their partner after they did something like that, we just couldn't find it in our hearts to break her like that. Seungcheol simply took a shower in my house and then started on his way back home, where he would ultimately meet her for the night. It was only at that point that I felt jealous; I realised that they would probably end up in bed together, just as we had been, and he would be hiding what we did by telling her that he didn't realise what they would do to his body and ended up eating some at work. I ended up crying silently against my pillow, hoping more than anything that my mother wouldn't catch me and ask what was wrong. I wouldn't be able to tell her, you see, and so I wanted nothing more than to avoid being put in that position. What could I say, realistically? That my lover was going back to his girlfriend so that he could do exactly as we did? It would earn me a thump, if nothing else.

And then, of course, it was only natural that I ended up meeting her in the end. I was at his place when she came over and we ended up having to hurriedly hide the evidence of our fling before inviting her into the place. Seungcheol claimed that I had been taking a shower and was naked in his bedroom because of that, and so I ended up having to go to the bathroom to wet my hair in the shower before going out to the main room to greet her. She looked happy to meet me and I genuinely felt bad for her. She had no idea that I was sleeping with her boyfriend behind her back; that he wasn't all that interested in her but couldn't find the words to break up with her. I ended up pretending that he'd told me a lot about how attracted he was to her - which got me scolded later on, actually - and so she ended up trusting me a lot right away. In fact she even asked if we could spend more time with each other and I felt obliged to accept her invitation.

In the time that they were together, I thankfully only had to go out with her once. I don't know if I would've been able to handle it otherwise. Whilst we were out, she spent the entire time talking about boys and fashion with me, and I didn't really have the guts to tell her that I wasn't that sort of guy. I do like boys, of course, but I'm not the sort to constantly gossip about the ones I like. I'm _certainly_ not the sort to sit there and talk about my ex-boyfriend with a girl who was dating him at the time, especially not when she started boasting about his body under the premise that I'd "probably already seen it, as his best friend". I mean, of course I'd seen him naked, but it wasn't really like that. If it _had_ been like that, I figured that I would probably be a little bit more comfortable with it, but the last thing I really needed was to accidentally slip up and reveal a detail that only a lover would know.

Likewise, I'm not that into fashion. I never have been and I doubt I ever will be. I like to look good but that's the extent of it. I'm not the sort of guy to be able to pick out what would look good on a girl, and I definitely don't know what counts as top-end feminine fashion. On top of that, it took us right back to the topic of Choi Seungcheol, and that made for an uncomfortable experience in itself. "Do you think he'd find this sexy?" she asked as she held up a flimsy nighty. It was made of faux satin and it looked like something a teenaged girl would wear, rather than an adult woman. I absolutely hated it and I knew that he would too, but I also knew that he would try his hardest to come up with at least one compliment for her. So I hyped it up. As nasty as it was for me to do something like that, I told her that it would look really cute on her and she should try it on to see whether she agreed.

She ended up buying the vile nighty. I felt achieved for all of five minutes, but then I felt really bad. She was just trying to make her boyfriend like her that little bit more but his eyes were wandering and that wasn't nice for anyone to experience. I figured that perhaps she had a sense of it. You know how girls always seem to have that gut feeling when their man is being unfaithful? I think she had a sense of it but she had no proof, so she simply kept her mouth shut. Instead of confronting him, she said nothing at all and simply figured that it was her job to sort things out so that she knew whether she was the problem. If she wore a flimsy nighty, for example, she might have managed to capture his attention and get him back. The thought of it made me feel incredibly sad but there was nothing I could really do about it. I had already told her that it looked good and she had already purchased it, and we were on our way to a nearby cafe for a coffee break.

Now, I'd just like to point out that I genuinely did feel bad when we were having that affair. She certainly wasn't the best partner for him - she was incredibly childish and seemed to think that they could treat an adult relationship like they would if they were still in high school - but she wasn't a horrible person either. In fact, _I_ was probably the worst offender, if I was being completely honest. Sure, it should have been Seungcheol's responsibility to make sure that he didn't have an affair with one of his friends, but I was the one who was encouraging it the most. If I had a tough day at work, I would ask him to come over and spend the night with me. If I was bored, I would find every excuse to bother him. If I wanted company, I would turn up at his front door without even calling him first. And he would drop everything for me. He would make excuses to leave her place, or he would pretend to be tired so that she would go home and he could sneak me in through the bedroom window.

I look back on it a few years later and I genuinely feel the urge to find that girl and apologise for everything I did wrong. I should have been a better person. I should have left him to have his relationship without getting in the way. I should have known that whilst I could sit there and pretend that I was over my relationship with Seungcheol, I was incredibly jealous of everything she had. Not only did she have a piece of his heart - no matter how small that piece might have been - but she also had the ability to give him exactly what he wanted with very little notice. The thing was, she could have simply missed a dose of her contraceptive pill and she would have been able to give him the child that he wanted so desperately. He would have married her on the spot, just so that he didn't have to leave a child with only one parent. And then my time with him would be over. It would force him to sober up and take the relationship seriously. I didn't like that at all.

I suppose that that was why I was so insecure about everything; why I wanted nothing more than to make her suffer without her even knowing that I was doing that. I wanted her to feel all of the pain that came to me as a result of not having a womb or an urge to procreate. It's a difficult life for a guy who wants it all but isn't willing to give it all in return, but that was just what I was like. I genuinely hate the man I was back then, and I sincerely hope that he never resurfaces. But as I've said before, I can't take it back. It's a part of my past, and it's a part that I have to keep in mind. If what I said in an earlier chapter of this account is true and no man deserves to make me feel like I'm worthless, it's similarly not my place to make anyone else feel like rubbish. And that includes the girl who was in love with the same man that I wanted for myself.

As you can probably imagine, our relationship was never going to be able to stay as a simple affair that remained a secret to everyone else. We weren't going to be able to make things work and keep things hidden between us for too long, especially not when she was turning up to his place whenever she felt like it. Needless to say, she found out about us in the end, and I can still taste the shards of glass that were scattered today.


	38. Chapter 38

I don't think there's anything worse than being caught mid-affair. And that's the truth. I've had a lot of uncomfortable experiences in my life, but being caught with Seungcheol, encouraging him to cheat with me after I'd told his girlfriend that I was there for her, was the worst. It felt like betrayal and it ultimately ruined the poor girl's happiness for good. I mean, I did start with the perspective that it wasn't my problem because I wasn't the one who was having the affair as such, but I think that being caught in that position really put things into perspective so that I truly understood what a horrible thing I was doing.

You see, Seungcheol tried to be sneaky about things but he wasn't really any good. It was his first time having an affair with anyone, and he was so obsessed with making things work between us that he started to neglect his relationship with her instead. He would always have an excuse, granted, but excuses don't always fly. For example, you can't always tell your girlfriend that you're working late because she'll know that you're seeing someone else. It's the thing that everyone says. "Sorry, baby, I can't see you after work. They've asked me to stay for the first part of the night shift." Newsflash: if your man is telling you that every single week, either his company is trash and needs to hire some more staff to take the shift, or he's seeing someone else behind your back. The issue, though, was that she told me about it. She told me that she thought he was interested in someone at work because he always seemed to be taking the extra shifts, and so I proceeded to tell her that he probably wasn't interested in anyone from work. All of the women were in relationships or married, I told her; he had no place with any of them, and I'd never seen him around any either. Besides, there weren't any women in his delivery team, so she had nothing to worry about.

I would tell her this, making it seem as sincere as possible, and then I would be taking her boyfriend to bed that very same night. As he fed her the excuses and insisted that he would make it up to her, I was all over him. When he came up with some lie about how he couldn't be around because he was needed to deal with an issue in the stock room, I was on my knees for him. Of course, I was quick to remind him of the fact that he was pushing it that little bit too far, since I was already in the loop and knew that she was getting incredibly suspicious, but he didn't really do much about it in the end. He only came up with different excuses - such as telling her that I was going through a rough patch with my non-existent boyfriend and needed to have a man's night with him - but they were still excuses nonetheless. She was obviously getting more and more irritated with him, and I could tell that much. But she didn't want to bring it up with him directly. She didn't want him to think that she didn't trust him, or that she didn't love him at all. Especially if it turned out that she was merely paranoid.

There's only so long that you can keep that sort of thing up, though. As I've said before, it's not something that you can keep forever. There are some people who keep their affairs going for twenty or more years, of course, but it's a bit different in our position. She knew that he was seeing someone from work behind her back because of the way he put things. He was showing all of the telltale signs of an affair, including buying her all sorts of gifts to make up for the long hours from work, and I knew that she was trying her hardest to get to the bottom of things as time went on. She told me about it, having determined that we were close enough to be best friends after they had been together for a few months and we'd spent a significant amount of time with each other. She was investigating things and drawing her own conclusions from the evidence she found. Naturally, though, I always managed to find a way to shut down her argument. 

She found a load of body fluid on Seungcheol's bedsheets and was insistent that it was proof of his affair. I told her that it was probably his, since it was way too thick to be a woman's fluids, and I supposed that he had probably been masturbating when he got back from work to destress himself, then wiped his fingers on the bed. She told me that he was starting to smell of cologne, so I took the fall for him and claimed that I'd bought him a new bottle of cologne from work because it was discounted and I knew he liked it but wouldn't go out of his way to buy it himself, so he was showing his appreciation by wearing it all the time. She pointed out that he was buying her excessive gifts, which she thought was pretty fishy, so I informed her that he had asked the girls at work for tips on how to make things up to her whilst he was working long hours, to which they responded by suggesting he get her some gifts. He simply didn't know how many would be enough to make up for it, so he went all out and got her everything.

As you can imagine, she wasn't completely satisfied with the answers that I gave her, but it did squash those feelings for a little while longer. So we were able to continue with our affair. Except at that point, I started insisting that he spend more time with her. I would go to his house whenever he had finished with her and she was on her way home, and then we would occasionally have a man's night to "play video games", which was essentially code for our wild romps. Thankfully, it seemed to work pretty well. She stopped coming to me with her suspicions, and she seemed a lot more content with the fact that he wasn't cheating on her, and I watched as he grew to be a lot less stressed over the fact that we were going to end up being clocked. The affair continued with minimal problems and I have to say, I was incredibly proud of the fact that I'd managed to diffuse things as I did.

Frankly, though, I think that that made it even worse when she finally found out about us. You see, it stings that little bit more when you think you were being silly about your boyfriend having an affair. It hurts even more when you realise that the boy who you thought was one of your best friends is the person he's sleeping with behind your back, meaning that all of the tears you shed in front of him were in vain. He didn't care about you in the slightest. His task was to get you off his scent so that he could continue screwing your boyfriend behind your back. You know for a fact that he's a disgusting animal, and he's the one person who ultimately teaches you about betrayal. If I was in that position, I genuinely don't think that I would be able to handle it, and I knew that I would ultimately end up being unable to trust another person again in my life. Perhaps that was what happened to her, actually. I don't know, since we never spoke again after this exchange went down.

We had been neglecting the subtlety at that point in time. Seungcheol told her that he was staying late at work again, but we thought it was okay because it was the first time he'd used the excuse in a long time. In fact, she was at his house before he went to work that day, and so she kissed him goodbye and walked him there on her way home so that she could spend as much time with him as possible. But, of course, he wasn't planning on staying late at all. The plan was for us to both finish work at eight o'clock then make our way back to his place for a steamy affair on the sofa. I would stay for the night, and then I would leave at around nine o'clock before she arrived at ten o'clock to spend the day with him. So we pushed through the shift, making sure to warm each other up to the fact that we were going to end up in bed together throughout. Seungcheol would occasionally mutter something dirty in my ear and I would respond accordingly. It was essentially a drawn-out version of foreplay.

As soon as we finished the shift, we headed back towards his place. It was probably the quickest that we had walked there together since he was so insistent that he needed to take me right away. I was incredibly excited too; it had been a few days since we'd managed to have some private time together so it was a bit of a big deal that we were going to be sharing a passionate night together. Seungcheol had even bought the wine we'd shared on our last night together too - for old time's sake, more than anything else - and so we were really going to go to town. I remember being incredibly excited as he wrestled the key into the lock and then dragged me into the house, and then we kissed each other hard as soon as the door was open. I loved that, frankly. The way he pulled me close to his chest as he pressed our lips together and told me how much he wanted me. It made it all feel that little bit more special; as if he wanted nothing more than to have me and no one else in the entire world.

We didn't even make it to the bedroom, as you can probably imagine. Instead, we settled for the sofa. He'd stashed a bottle of lubricant under the seat, so it was hardly a difficult task to do what we needed to do. Seungcheol simply held my thighs and allowed me to sit on top of him, and then our bodies began to mix as the passion overwhelmed us. I loved that; I'm not even going to lie and pretend that I didn't love it because it was, quite frankly, the nicest experience in the entire world. For a while, he was all mine and no one else could touch him. We were lovers again, and our passion for each other was real. Seungcheol's fingers were delicate as he traced my skin, and I could tell just how loved-up he was from the way that he gazed upon my face. And at that point, I was appreciative of it. At that point, it didn't matter that we used to be together but weren't anymore. It was genuinely as if we had been together for years and weren't planning on parting any time soon.

I got too loud, though. When he eventually flipped me onto my back - after almost half an hour of us ravaging each other's bare bodies - I started to scream for him. Every noise that my body wanted to let out was allowed into the open. I didn't want to hold a single one back. After all, what was the point in that? It wasn't something that we could do every day, and so I wanted nothing more than to show Seungcheol how much I wanted him. It was my attempt at showing him that he still did things to me, and a way of suggesting to him that my interest in him was very much alive still. It had to be subtle because we had made a vow not to show that we still wanted to be in a relationship with each other, so the volume was my way of putting that out there. And I think he appreciated it. I really do. It only encouraged him to be that little bit rougher with me, until my body felt as if it had been set on fire and my limbs were left curling around his back.

In itself, being loud isn't too big of a deal. It's between you and your partner and perhaps your neighbours, if the walls are thin enough. Unfortunately for us, the walls _were_ thin enough, but not only in the sense that the neighbours could probably hear us. It was also in the sense that if someone was standing at the front door, they would be able to hear us too. And even more unfortunately, Seungcheol's girlfriend had decided that she was going to turn up at his place and wait for him to finish work at ten o'clock. She was planning on surprising him with dinner, staying for maybe an hour or so, and then making her way back to her own place for the night. She thought it would be a nice way to make him feel better about the fact that he was finishing at such an awful hour. But then she got to the front door and she heard it, and suddenly her entire world crumbled.

It wouldn't have affected us that much in any other house. Even if she _was_ able to hear us in another house - maybe somewhere like his last apartment - there was no way that she would be able to get in and investigate. Seungcheol could have told her that he was watching pornography and had it a bit too loud or something. He could make it up to her however he wanted to do so. But this house was a little bit different. you see; the door could be opened from the outside without the need for a key if it wasn't locked on the inside. And we had been a little bit too caught up in our affair to remember to lock the door. After all, who was going to come to the house and just walk in like that? It could only be his girlfriend, if she happened to be around, but we genuinely didn't expect her to turn up to his place like that. We didn't expect to see the door swing wide open out of the corner of our eyes, and to see his girlfriend stood there in horror as she stared at us, laid on the sofa and completely naked. Her jaw dropped right away and I could see the tears spring to her eyes immediately. And I felt sick.

Seungcheol was off me in a matter of seconds. He began apologising to her and spewing out more excuses about how he hadn't meant for it to happen and how it had been a one-time accident. I simply snatched up my clothes and hurried into the bathroom so that I was away from the situation with a locked door between us, and so there I waited as the argument unfolded in the other room. And then I waited. I slid down to sit in front of the door and simply listened to everything that was being said - or rather, shouted - outside the room.

"I can't believe you, you filthy fucking pig!" she shrieked at him. Something was thrown. I heard it hit the ground with a loud thud. Then the door slammed shut, and I held my breath. Had she walked out? I doubted it, but I wasn't completely sure.  
"Boyoung, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen. I was just at work, minding my own business, and then it hit me all of a sudden. You know when things are tense and you do stupid things?"  
"Well, I don't sleep with my best friend when I'm stressed, Choi Seungcheol, and you shouldn't either. It's absolutely disgusting!"  
"What, that I slept with another man?"  
"That you betrayed my trust like that! I thought you were better than that, but I must have been wrong!"

He didn't really have a reply to that. Of course, it would have been a bit easier if she said something homophobic, but she was just really bothered about the fact that he was cheating. And he couldn't deny any of it. She had caught us red-handed, naturally. It would have been a different story if it was merely a suspicion, but he had been on top of me and we were naked, and there's not much that he could really do about that. So he moved things forward. "It was an accident," he told her. "I didn't mean for it to happen, and I didn't intend on it ever happening again."  
"That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt." Her voice was cold, as if she was trying her hardest to distance herself away from him. I could tell that she was hurting and I did feel bad about that, but there wasn't much I could really do about it. My options were to ignore it or to try and comfort her, and we all know that if I tried to comfort her over the fact that I'd been sleeping with her boyfriend, it would have been like a kick in the teeth. So I stayed in the bathroom and jiggled around instead, just to make sure that the door was definitely secure.

The argument continued. She told him that he should have just told her if he was interested in men. She said that she would have given him the chance to test out his sexuality with me, if that was the case, so that he could be absolutely certain. It was a safety net and she claimed that she wouldn't have been upset with him in the slightest, regardless of the outcome. If he realised that he didn't like men, they could stay together and be happy. If he did like men, he could choose whether he wanted to keep her or break up. It was completely up to him. But by sleeping with a guy behind her back, he had destroyed her trust and that was what bothered her more than anything. Of course, Seungcheol tried his hardest to come up with more answers. He tried telling her that it had been an accident, which she shot down by asking him whether he just happened to slip and fall penis-first into another man. He tried repeating that it was a one-time thing and it would never happen again, but she pointed out that the signs had been there for a long time. Every time he tried to find an excuse, she was there with a counter-argument. It was incredibly difficult to listen to from the sidelines.

He resorted to raising his voice louder, in hopes that it would make her listen. He told her that if he was actually attracted to me, he would be dating me instead of her. But she could tell that it was a lie right away. "If you weren't attracted to him at all, you wouldn't be sleeping with him," she pointed out blandly, "You don't just sleep with someone because they're there. Not when you're in a relationship with someone else. There has to be an element of attraction involved because you have the easy option to call your girlfriend over and sleep with her instead. But no, you decide that you're going to bed your best friend."  
"But I didn't intend on it. It wasn't planned."  
"But that doesn't mean that it didn't happen!" She was audibly getting more and more frustrated the more he tried to tell her that, and I could tell that she was close to losing it completely.

Then he started getting even more upset. He pointed out that everyone made mistakes and his just happened to be a huge mistake. That didn't sit well with her either. She pointed out that she had made a number of mistakes in their relationship too, but she had never slept with someone else. More importantly, if she _had_ slept with someone else, she would have been a lot less obvious about it. She said that it wasn't all that difficult to hide an affair from another person in the days of modern technology and odd shift patterns, but he had ultimately managed to make it the most obvious thing in the universe. So he switched to his defensive mode. He started shouting about how he had told her to stay away for the night and had she done that, she wouldn't have ever found out about it. He told her that she was disrespecting him by turning up to his house unannounced, and that he needed to have his own space sometimes. He didn't like her turning up to his place after work because he would have just come out of a shift where he was left emotionally drained, and so spending time with someone made that even worse.

She slapped him hard across the cheek. I heard the sound of her hand colliding with his skin from within the bathroom. In fact, I could _feel_ it. That's a sign that a slap is a bit too hard, I think. I'm not saying that he didn't deserve it, of course, because he knew the consequences of having an affair, but it did leave me wincing when I heard how hard she hit him. For a while, there was silence between them, but then she finally spoke. And when she did, her voice was dangerously low. "Don't you dare act as if it's my fault, Mr Choi Seungcheol," she told him. "Don't you dare act as if I could have avoided all of this by pretending that it wasn't going on in the background. We both know that I'm not to blame and you're just finding any excuse to get yourself out of trouble. I'm not having it. Not this time. I've fought for our relationship and done everything to make you happy, and you repay me by sleeping with someone else behind my back. Someone I trusted, too."

Something ticked in Seungcheol's mind too, though. I've never heard him that angry before, and I've never wanted to hear it a second time. It's the sort of angry that he only hits once in a while - Jisoo told me that he had only seen it once in all the time he's known him, too - but when it comes, it's the most terrifying experience in the world. Whilst Seungcheol certainly knew that it was his fault that she had hit him, he's the sort of man who doesn't take anything like that. He'll gladly argue for days and he'll eventually accept fault when he knows that he's the problem, but he won't accept it if someone raises a hand to him. Their argument is completely lost at that point. He just explodes and makes sure that he hits the lowest possible. It's the sort of thing that could make anyone cry, I think, and that was why I don't want to experience it again in my lifetime.

"From now on, you're going to listen to what I'm going to say. Your mouth will stay shut and you're going to listen to every word I say carefully," he said, his voice coming across as calm but powerful. "If you're going to lower the bar by raising a hand to me like that, you're going to have to take the hit right back. Luckily for you, I'm not the sort to hit any person back, especially not someone who would be on the ground if I hit hard with half of my strength. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to lower the bar even more. Don't think that you can get out of this without taking some back, Ms Kim Boyoung." He paused for a second. I let out the breath that I'd been holding. "Do you want to know why I've been seeing someone else behind your back? Hm? It's because you're an embarrassment of a partner. It's like I'm dating a five-year-old. You're the sort of child who thinks that each month together is a reason to celebrate. It makes it seem as if you can't hold a relationship at all and frankly, after knowing you for this long, I can see why you didn't have a boyfriend for so long.

"It's not even just that you're childish in that aspect. You pout when you don't get your own way. You speak in the third person when you want me to buy you things. We always have to have physical contact or you'll whine. You make stupid little fake noises when we're in bed together. You might as well dress up as a baby because you're close enough to being one." It was a low hit. I could feel the tension in the air right away, but the worst part was that it didn't stop there. He proceeded to tell her how I was better than she ever was; that I was the person who comforted him and showed him love, and that I wasn't too obsessive or possessive. He told her that I left him guessing, and that I brought so much excitement to his life that he found himself falling in love with me from the minute we first shared a personal moment together. Then he told her that we had been seeing each other for longer than she had even known him; that we were in a relationship before they were together, and that he much preferred it when we were a couple because at least then, he actually felt as if he could be himself in the relationship.

She told him that she never wished to see him again, and then she left. And that was that.

Only then did I creep out of the bathroom and make my way through to the main room again. By that point, Seungcheol had already calmed down quite significantly. He had gone from being furious to being numb as he flopped back down on the sofa, still completely naked, and then he reached over to grab one of the half-empty bottles of wine from the table. He took a long swig from the bottle before flashing a glance over to me. I offered up an apologetic smile. "Well, I'm pretty sure that I'm not dating her anymore," he told me, sounding pretty indifferent to the fact that he had not only broken a woman's heart, but also shattered all of her self-confidence at the same time. Perhaps it hadn't quite set in that he had ruined their relationship like that, I supposed; after all, it had all happened so suddenly and so I supposed that it was the best reponse that he could possibly give to something on such short notice. I took a seat next to him but stayed silent for a little while longer. All of the vocabulary that I knew in my native language slipped away from me for a while, and so there was nothing I _could_ say. At least, not for a good few minutes.

"You might be able to fix things," I said hopefully. It was the most pathetic thing I'd ever said in my life, but at least it made Seungcheol laugh. It was a bitter laugh, granted, but at least he found the funny side of it. At that point, he pulled me closer to where he was sitting so that he could wrap an arm around me. His lips brushed the neck of the bottle, as if he was trying to consider whether to continue, then slowly moved it away so that he could look me in the eyes.  
"How could I fix things, Jeonghan? I told her that she was an embarrassment and that was why I was cheating on her." He took another long swig of wine before continuing. "Besides, I don't think I'd want to repair things with her. I said what I said and I meant it. It was harsh and I'll admit that, but I spoke my mind and not a word of it was a lie. 

Now, you'd probably think that after that, we would decide to part ways for the night. It had been a rough hour or two, so it would have been perfectly reasonable for us to do so. But we decided that the best option was to just go to bed together - so that we could sleep, mind you, not continue what we had started - and continue with our lives as if nothing had happened. We didn't need to acknowledge it if both us agreed that it wasn't worth our time to do so, and that meant that it essentially didn't happen. The thoughts were pushed to the back of our minds, never to be seen again, and things just continued between us.

Well, to a degree. Not everything continued, after all.

Following that exchange, we figured that it was probably for the best that we cut things off again. It wasn't good for our relationships - as we had seen - and the longer we continued it, the harder it was going to be to stop. And whilst I didn't really want to stop what we had started, I also didn't want to put myself in a position where I wanted him more and more and knew that I couldn't stop wanting him. I needed to distance myself for my sake as well as his, even though it hurt to do it. We would still be friends, of course, but it was the last time that we would see each other naked like that.


	39. Chapter 39

I got a boyfriend, in hopes that he would help me to get over Seungcheol.

You know how it goes. You join a dating app because your colleagues pressure you into doing it. "You look so miserable every time you come in here, and you look even more miserable lately," they pointed out. "Try this app and I'll guarantee that you'll have loads of date requests." But there are inherently a few issues with that. For starters, I look miserable because I don't want to be there. Do you know anyone who wants to be working in retail? I think the fuck not. It's the worst place to be when you're already struggling in life, and the last thing you really need is to be dealing with crap from customers when you're already shot down enough as it is. Go figure, I suppose. Secondly, I look worse because I was caught having an affair with Seungcheol. Not because I wasn't in a relationship. My happiness doesn't reside in the worth that another man gives me, and it instead resides more in the fact that I fled to the bathroom and then spent hours getting wine-drunk whilst sitting naked on the sofa with a man I'm no longer involved with in a romantic sense.

Thirdly, everyone knows that those dating apps aren't supposed to be used for dating. They're used for you to pretend to be going on a date with someone, but then you hook up instead. You can imagine it: "Meet me tonight at eight and we'll have a pint by the river. Maybe then we can go for a walk." You struggle to find him and end up meeting in a skatepark in the middle of a regular park. You take a seat together then realise that there's no point in getting drinks because one person is supposedly broke and the other forgot their wallet. And then their hand is on your thigh and you know what they want. You have a 'fuck it' moment and end up going back to their place, where you promptly end up screwing them for around three or four hours whilst hoping desperately that their housemates aren't going to arrive home and find you sprawled out on what appears to be the only bed in the house - which is strategically placed in the main room, which is also the kitchen - but you somehow still manage to get into it regardless.

That's what those apps are for.

Nevertheless, I downloaded it. The pressure to do so was immense and I didn't want them to continue to push me towards it. My profile was completed within half an hour, and the hardest point was coming up with a description of myself. Then I waited for them to come to me. After all, I wasn't really in the mood to chase anyone. I wasn't that desperate for companionship, especially since I could still fall back on Seungcheol. In fact, I actually knew that whoever I went to would be a rebound anyway, so it didn't matter to me all that much at all. Naturally, though, men started to drift into my life. A number of them, each with something equally dumb to say. "Let me eat your ass, baby," one said, taking it straight to the point.  
"If you were a fruit, you'd be a fineapple," another dumbass added. It suddenly became the one pick up line that would completely turn me off in a matter of seconds.

And it continued like that. Just dumb comment after dumb comment. It took me over a week to find someone who was moderately respectable and worth the time to speak to, and even then I was a bit sceptical. Of course, he started with your usual compliment, but that just felt a bit bland for me. Then he asked for a real date, in which we went to a cinema together and then he walked me home. I agreed, mostly because I had nothing else to do with my time, but I expected that he would be taking me to an adult cinema or something. Strangely enough, he didn't. He took me to a regular cinema and we watched a regular film together. An action film. Then he walked me home, just as he had said, before kissing my cheek at the front door. "Thank you for tonight. I think we bonded on the way there and back, and I really liked how you held my hand all the way through that." I thanked him in return and wished him a safe journey home before retiring into the house and making my way straight through to my bedroom. Then I collapsed forward onto the bed and sighed.

He was probably the blandest person I'd ever met, even though he was nice enough. I felt absolutely no chemistry at all. But I felt obliged to make something of it. I felt that I had to do what I could and make things work, for the sake of the fact that I wasn't going to get anywhere if I kept thinking about my relationship with Seungcheol. So I pretended that I loved spending time with him and we ended up going on four more dates. Then he took me home and bedded me and I suppose that I ended up becoming his boyfriend through that. At work, I tried my hardest to seem happy and told everyone who asked that I was in a relationship with someone finally. One person saw through it right away, though. Choi Seungcheol knew that I wasn't happy with my new partner and so he didn't see the guy as a threat. In fact, he didn't get jealous at all. "I'll give it a month," he told me when I brought it up with him. "If you're having problems, though, feel free to call me and I'll see what I can do to help you."

Now, whilst my morals certainly aren't the best in the world, I didn't dare to cheat on that guy. I'm not the sort of person who would do that. Sure, I would help another person to cheat and would end up being caught by that person's partner, but I would never put myself in Seungcheol's position. I respected myself too much for that, after all. So I ended up simply keeping my feelings to myself. I didn't bring it up with Seungcheol because I didn't want to be tempted by him. In fact, I didn't let a single word slip until I realised that I really hated the relationship I was in and decided that I couldn't handle it any longer. Whilst I could have spoken to Jisoo about it, that was absolutely nothing compared to sitting in Seungcheol's tacky little apartment and complaining about it with him instead. He had taken up social smoking at the time, since a friend had bought him a carton of sixty cigarettes and he figured that it was best to make the most out of them, so we ended up taking one each to mess around with as we sat there.

I twirled the tube between my fingers as I tried to find the words to tell him what I wanted to say. They didn't come to mind right away, though, and so I ended up commenting on the cigarette instead. "I think it's stupid that you've taken up smoking. You can't even afford to smoke. What are you gonna do when you get to the end of this carton?"  
"I just won't have more. They're for social situations only. I might not even go past the one I've already had."  
"Why didn't you just reject them, then? You know that they stain your fingers and they're addictive, right?"  
"Well, I don't think I'm going to have a problem if I have one every few weeks. Besides, I'm stressed. I have another new girlfriend at the moment and she already mentioned to me that she wants to be a mother. Not that I mind, but it's a bit forward. She's a nice girl, I swear."

So smoking was his way to battle that, apparently. Only in front of friends, but that didn't mean anything to me. I rested it against my lips for a moment, then moved it away again, without actually bothering to light it up. "I guess we're both in one of those relationships, then. One where you're not actually all that involved but you feel like you have to stay with them." Seungcheol hummed softly and pressed his cigarette back into the carton. At that point, he passed the entire thing over to me.  
"I wouldn't say that I'm not involved, as such. It's just not the place I want to be with someone just yet. You can't decide that you're gonna be a parent when you've been together for a week."  
"Well," I started, then I decided it was best to keep my mouth shut. So I closed it again, only to see Seungcehol's eyes flickering towards my face. So I guessed my only option was to continue again. "I suppose it gets you to your goal of being a father that bit quicker." Seungcheol grimaced and turned his face away from me for a moment.

I asked him for a light so that I could pretend to smoke the cigarette. Of course, I knew right away that I wouldn't be able to swallow it. I would simply hold it in my mouth for a few seconds before letting it free into the air of his apartment. It was more for the dramatic effect, I decided, as it would be if he was to smoke with his friends outside of work. He didn't need to do it but he could pretend that he was feeling the effects of it whilst not actually taking a proper drag. Or at least, that was how I thought he would do it. I couldn't be sure. Seungcheol hesitated before giving the light to me, then passed over an ashtray. Then I began taking it into my mouth and setting it free without letting my lungs take any of it. He watched me curiously for a moment before snatching one up again and doing the same, turning our discussion from something between adults to something between children who thought they were adults. It was only after he had taken his third puff that he finally let out a sound of defeat and rubbed a hand over his face.

"Okay, yeah. I guess it _would_ make me a father a bit quicker. I'll give you that. But I don't know what I'd make of it. Imagine if you were dating someone for a few weeks and then they suddenly got pregnant, and then you realised that you were pretty much bound to them for the rest of your life. And they turn out to be an asshole whilst they're pregnant but you can't just leave a pregnant person to fend for themselves and the baby." Then he paused for a minute to lift the cigarette to his lips again. "I don't know what I would do with myself, you know. I can tell you what I _wouldn't_ do, though. I wouldn't be able to leave the baby without a father. So I think I would either end up being a weekend dad, or I'd have to commit my life to her. I don't know which would be the worst option for both myself and the child, and I think that's why I don't really want to go down that route for the moment."

It was a fair enough point, actually. As much as I wanted to rip into him and point out that we broke up because he wanted to rush into having a family, I couldn't bring myself to do it. He had a reason not to rush it this time. A real reason. And I guess I just had to accept that it was a fair enough point. I stayed quiet whilst he burnt the cigarettes to a stump, and then promptly stamped mine out on top of his. It was another childish move, but it made me feel that little bit better about things for a few minutes. You know, I suddenly understood the basis of the social smoking. Even though we weren't actually smoking the cigarettes properly, it wasn't the worst thing in the world. We were able to pretend that it was having the telltale calming effect without causing half the harm, and then we were able to go back to normal again afterwards. It was as if the cigarettes had snatched up some of my emotions, leaving me feeling strangely neutral when I should have been upset with everything that was going on around me.

"Do you think I should break up with him, Cheol?" I asked once the cigarettes were away. It was as if I was finally coming to my senses; as if the answer hadn't been strikingly obvious from the start. He thought about it for a moment before giving a nod.  
"You're not happy in your relationship. He's not the man who owns your heart and you know that. And that's fine, but I think that maybe going for anyone in an attempt to hide all of that is a mistake." And whilst it stung to hear it like that, I knew it was true. I knew that Seungcheol knew I couldn't handle being in a relationship with someone I didn't even love, and that he still had enough of a hold over me that anyone else was disposable.

I had a bit of a fear, though. A fear that I was going to end up alone for the rest of my life. You see, you tend to think that things will work out for the best for you, but then you lose something - or someone - important and you don't know what to do with yourself. Suddenly, everything just seems to be everywhere. You can't focus on anything other than that thing, and it starts to consume your life. And that was how I felt about Seungcheol. As much as I loved him, he was getting in the way of me having fulfilling relationships. And there was nothing I could do about it. Cutting him off simply wasn't going to help anyone. We tried it and it failed. Being his friend was an impossible task, especially since we ended up sleeping together so many times. My biggest problem, though, was the fact that Seungcheol was moving on whilst I was staying put, and that posed my final issue. It's difficult being in love with someone you can't have, but it's even worse when you see that person being happy with other people whilst you're watching them from the sidelines.

I hope that makes sense. It was a bit difficult for me to describe that feeling, but I'm sure you're familiar with it nonetheless. That feeling was the only reason why I stayed with my boyfriend for as long as I did, and so I ended up feeling a lot better when Seungcheol informed me that there were hundreds of other men in the world who would be perfect to date - just not someone I really, genuinely didn't like after a month of dating him. And so I ended up keeping that positive feeling with me as I made my way to his house and took a seat in front of him. He seemed to be a bit surprised by the fact that I'd turned up to his house like that, but I wasn't all that bothered. After all, I'd made up my mind by that point in time, and so he wouldn't have to deal with my turning up to his house uninvited ever again. I simply took a seat in front of him and gazed into his eyes as lovingly as I could manage, in hopes that it would soften the blow a little bit, then got straight to the point. "I'm really sorry, but I don't think that I can keep this relationship up for much longer. I'm just not feeling it."

It took less than five seconds for him to catch the smell of cigarettes on my breath. "Are you seeing someone else behind my back or something?" he asked right away. I could tell that he had made the connection, so I gave a nod. It wasn't the truth at all, but I figured that it would be better for him to think that someone else had seduced me, rather than that I found him mind-numbingly boring and couldn't stand to be with him for much longer. "A smoker?" my boyfriend added, and so I nodded again.  
"I'm very sorry about all of this, but I can't help myself. I fell in love with someone a few years ago and we found each other again. He can't have a relationship with me right now, but I would hate myself if I was to lead you on and make you think that I'm not in love with him when I very much am in love with him." It came out awkward and jumbled but it did the trick. My boyfriend blinked a few times.

"Oh. Okay."

I don't know if that annoyed me more or not, but I simply chose to ignore it. The comment seemed ridiculous. Maybe it came out as a reflex reaction, but I didn't like it at all. It was one of the reasons why I didn't like him. There was no fight to keep me. There was no suggestion that he could sweep me off my feet and make me fall madly in love with him instead. No, he simply accepted it and told me that it was lovely to be my boyfriend for a month, and then we promptly parted ways. That was that. I felt numb as I left his house, having prepared such a huge argument for us to both have, only for it to not end up happening at all. Naturally, I made my way back to Seungcheol's place instead of going home. I called my mother to say that I'd decided to stay at a friend's house, rather than travelling all the way home at that hour, and so we ended up spending the night together instead. As much as he said that our sexual relationship was over, this was an exception to the rule, apparently, and so he made me his for one last time. Or so he said.

The exception to the rule quickly changed to a weekly affair again, once we had broken our promise to calm things down for the sake of our future relationships. It was hard to get out of that routine when we were in it, and even harder to break it again and again when it was clear that we both just really wanted each other. We always promised that it would never happen again, but that usually meant that we would be all over each other within a week or two.

Granted, we were a lot more subtle with it. We made sure to do it only when we knew that his girlfriend was at work and there was no chance of her turning up out of the blue. We made sure to lock the door every time, just to be sure, and then we made a special effort to go to the bedroom instead of the sofa so that we would have that little bit of added cover if she did manage to get into the house somehow. But she wasn't the sort of girl. She was a lot better than the first girl. She was mature and knew how to hold a strong relationship with someone. Had she not been the sort of person who picked a man with wandering eyes, she would have had the most amazing experience with Choi Seungcheol. She might have even sobered him and turned him off me. But alas, it wasn't going to happen. As much as she could be that girl, it didn't mean anything when his lips were on my neck instead.

The good thing was, though, that she didn't know me at all. Seungcheol hadn't introduced us because he knew that she was smart enough to make the connection. He knew that she would be able to see how much he wanted me from the way that he looked at me whilst I was speaking, and I suppose that that meant it was for the best that I didn't get to meet her. On top of that, I suppose it spared me that uncomfortable feeling that I was to blame. The first girl had been my friend - or so she thought - so I felt guilty for making her suffer through catching us all over each other. It only made sense that I didn't end up in that position again, since Seungcheol knew that it was a pretty big deal for me. So for two or three months, I just appeared whenever she wasn't there. I was like a ghost, drifting into the empty space to occupy it and provide the sensation of a human being there. I was temporary, even though Seungcheol claimed that I was the only person he truly needed.

Even though I wasn't all that satisfied with that situation, though, I didn't make any special effort to break out of the rut. I couldn't bring myself to do it. If anyone was going to stop the affair between us, it would have to be Seungcheol. I enjoyed it. Not the fact that we were having an affair as such, but the contact and the fact that I was with him. I loved the fact that I could feel his skin against me. I loved the way he flirted with me. I loved the fact that it felt filthy for us to be sending each other explicit photos of bare skin and artistically-shot body parts. I loved the way his lips grazed against the back of my ear as he told me that he wanted me, and I loved the way that we would simply sit on his sofa and pretend to smoke cigarettes when we were stressed. And I especially loved the fact that I was his without being his, to a degree. So I suppose that's why I ended up staying with him for so long when we'd agreed that we weren't going to see each other any longer.

Saying that, it was hardly a secret that it was ultimately going to end up falling through, just like his first relationship had done. He realised that his relationship was getting more and more serious as time went on and started smoking the cigarettes properly instead of simply taking the smoke into his mouth and letting it go. We were sleeping together more and more; he kept asking me to go to his place whenever he was free, or he would request that he come home with me after work for a few hours. I could see that he was nervous about something, but he refused to tell me what was wrong. At least, he didn't say anything at the start. But I could tell. I knew that there was something, as much as he tried to tell me that everything was fine through faked smiles and awkward laughs. Only time let me know what was going on in the background. 

We were actually together when it did come out, too. We had just finished in bed together and were curled up under the bedsheets. And then we heard frantic knocking on the front door. Desperate knocking. Seungcheol was straight out of bed in an instant and we wrestled with clothes and air fresheners to make ourselves and the room look presentable. I made my way to the bathroom to hide, and then he went through to the main room to unlock the door. And his girlfriend entered the house, sobbing right away. She was an absolute mess and he spent a good few minutes trying his hardest to calm her down. But she wouldn't stop. Something had really bothered her and the tears simply fell for a good ten or so minutes before he realised what was wrong and asked directly.

"Is it a positive, then?" I didn't hear her response, but my stomach flipped. A positive what? I supposed that she had been at the hospital or something whilst we were together. Perhaps she had something life-threatening and that was why she was so upset. I felt a little bit uncomfortable listening in on a conversation like that, but there wasn't much that I could do. The walls were too thin for me to ignore it and pretend that I couldn't hear what was going on outside. "I'm really sorry," Seungcheol said, his voice sounding unstable for once. "Look, I'll find you a clinic that'll lie about it and we'll get it all sorted. I'll do what I can and we can pretend that there's something really wrong with us having children. We'll even get a sperm donor in the future and pretend that it's my fault that there's an issue; that I have something really wrong with me and that I can't be the father to your kids in later life either. They won't check if I'm not the father of any other kid."

Then it all set into place.

He had been nervous because of some sort of accident in bed with his girlfriend. For some reason - which I later found out was a course of antibiotics that she didn't realise tampered with her contraceptive pill - she had fallen pregnant with his child, and that meant that they were in a bit of a rough place. According to what Seungcheol told me later that evening, she had accidentally found out about it online after three days of taking the medication. She had been a bit sceptical but several sources were claiming that it was linked to reducing the effectiveness of birth control. And so she panicked. It was too late for them to use an emergency contraceptive too, since it had passed the 72-hour window, so they simply had to hope that she wasn't going to end up getting pregnant. But then she did. She fell pregnant with his child and that was why Seungcheol was so anxious. He was waiting for her missed period and the call to say whether or not the test was positive.

Now, I'm not sure if you're aware of the laws surrounding abortions in this country, but they're very tight. You can only have them under certain circumstances. Unconsensual sex is one of those circumstances, but also situations in which the baby would end up with a hereditary disease or the mother's life would be in danger. The thing is, though, by banning abortions, it doesn't mean that people won't have them. It means that people will have them unsafely, often done themselves, or they'll abandon the child. Of course, it's not massively enforced, but there are still risks of fines and imprisonment for both the couple and the physicians, which means that it's not ideal. In this case, whilst the actual pregnancy itself was unconsensual on both parts and they certainly didn't want a baby to come out of it, it doesn't count as a legitimate reason and that was what their issue was.

Saying that, though, she told him that she wouldn't get rid of it. She had to grow up and be a parent, and she said that she would appreciate it if Seungcheol did the same. She said that she could understand if he didn't want to be a parent just yet, since it was a big decision to make over an accident and it was her own fault for not reading up on the medication before taking it, but she did say that she would appreciate a little bit of help with the child here and there if that was the case. Perhaps he could pretend to be an uncle who was just looking after the kid here and there whilst she took care of adult responsibilities, or maybe he could just contribute a tiny amount of child support so that the kid would be able to have what they needed for school and their hobbies.

Seungcheol didn't want that, though. He said that it was as much his responsibility as hers and that he would help her out. He said that he would even marry her if she needed that because he understood the stigma that still came alongside being unmarried and pregnant. He said that he would do anything she wanted, including meeting her parents, and he was going to become the best father possible. It was both for her sake and their child's sake.

I was in the bathroom for about an hour before she decided that she had to leave and go home to get herself together. I left as soon as I heard the door closing, only to find Seungcheol sat with his face in his hands. He looked as if he was ready to quit; as if he didn't know what to do with himself. So I just hugged him tightly and he hugged back. It was a lot for him to take in at once, after all, and I didn't really know whether it helped knowing that I was still in the house at the time. I assume that it probably made things tougher, since he obviously hadn't wanted me to know that he was going to be a father like that, but I guess at least I didn't have to ask any questions and he didn't have to tell me specifically.

It took a while for him to speak, in the end, but his voice came out weak as he did so. "I guess I'll just have to deal with this as it comes, won't I? What else can I do right now?"


	40. Chapter 40

A lot happened in the first few months of the pregnancy. For starters, Seungcheol ended up moving in with his girlfriend. She already had a mortgage and was doing exceptionally well at paying it off, so she invited him to move into her place instead of the other way around or a desperate attempt to find a place together. It was an absolutely lovely house - I'll give her that - and it had two spare bedrooms anyway, so that the baby would be able to have their own room and perhaps they would be able to have a second child later on down the line. They had a huge garden and three floors, if you counted the loft, and the decorating was absolutely pristine, even though she'd decorated the entire thing herself.

The best part was that she didn't want him to pay anything towards the house whilst he was there. She already had it covered and she knew that she was earning a lot more than he was earning, so she simply asked him to put half of his money to the side in order to buy the nursery furniture later on down the line, then the rest could be his to spend on anything else that he could possibly want. So he ended up doing just that and even planned to use a quarter each month to pay off the last little bits of his debt so that he didn't have to worry about it building again when the baby finally arrived and their money got that little bit tighter. I particularly liked that because I could see that he was a lot less stressed about money that way, and we both knew that if he saved up just under nine-hundred thousand won per month, they would have more than enough to make the nursery look great by the time the baby arrived.

On top of that change, they also ended up getting engaged after she had been pregnant for just ten weeks because she had asked for that sort of security from him before things could progress too far. Now, Seungcheol was a little bit more reluctant to get married to her because he didn't think that having a child together would require that they rush their relationship even more and get into a marriage that could possibly turn sour because they had rushed it so much, but he ended up arranging their engagement photo shoot so that they would be able to pre-warn their families. He got her a beautiful ring and they took photographs together and then he sent them to all of the people he knew. Well, everyone other than me. I told him that I didn't want it because I didn't need that constant reminder of the fact that he was no longer mine.

I won't lie and tell you that I wasn't heartbroken when I realised that it was going to be the end of my fling with Seungcheol. I knew right away that he was going to have to clean up his act and become the father that he'd always wanted to be, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about that because it wasn't my place to argue against it. After all, what would I say? I could have been the man who was having a child with him and living in a beautiful house with him, and we could have gone to the park or beach or farm every week with our children so that they would be able to experience more of the world than our back garden. We could have been engaged and waiting for the day we could marry each other here in Korea, and we could have had the most beautiful life as a couple. But I had decided that I wasn't going to have his child and I'd broken up with him instead, then I still expected him to be mine when he was trying his hardest to move on.

So there was no way that I was going to get my wish anymore. I had had the chance to get it, but I'd completely blown it by not making the compromise that he needed in order to continue having a relationship with me. As much as I hadn't wanted children at all, I could feel myself starting to get jealous over the pregnancy. After just two and a half months, she was showing signs of being pregnant. She had the slightest bump and whilst it wasn't all that obvious to the people who didn't know that she was carrying, it was incredibly obvious to me when we did meet. My eyes were drawn to her stomach right away and I felt an overwhelming feeling of dread running through my body when I saw it. She shuffled uncomfortably, trying her hardest to cover it up, so I tried my hardest not to look at it again. That proved to be a relatively difficult task, I found, and it only made me think about how it was going to grow even more until she was swollen with Seungcheol's child.

Then, when it was finally announced to people, she had the ultrasound scan framed on the mantlepiece. It showed the little kidney-shaped baby inside of her, along with the due date. I saw it when I went to visit him and my heart sank into my stomach right away. To start with, he didn't know what I was looking at, but then his eyes caught it and he bit his lower lip. "I'm sorry about that. She wanted to put it where everyone would see it because she's starting to get a little bit more comfortable with the fact that we're having a family together. Would you like me to hide it or something so you don't have to see it?" I felt too bad about it to ask him to do that. I knew that whilst he was trying his hardest to pretend that he wasn't happy with the fact that there was a framed photograph of their baby hanging up in the house already, he was actually really excited to have a child too, and I couldn't bring myself to ruin that for him.

After all - and as I mentioned earlier - he was trying to clean up his act and I was trying to help him. I helped him to quit smoking by giving him other alternatives, like chewing gum and having tea breaks instead of cigarette breaks. And because he was so motivated to drop the habit for both his and the baby's health, he found that it was pretty easy to keep up the motivation and push through things. Of course, there were times where he really messed up and ended up smoking ten or fifteen in a row, but that was relatively uncommon. I think he only had periods like that around two or three times in the first few months, and then it gradually got easier until he wasn't having to worry about the cravings anymore

Likewise, he was trying his hardest to drop alcohol too. In itself, it can be a pretty easy thing to do. He wasn't really addicted to it as such, and it wasn't like he would go out of his way to get alcohol or would be unable to enjoy himself without having anything to drink. Instead, it was something social. When we went out with our friends, he would end up drinking quite a bit because he would simply lose track of how many he was having. People would be buying drinks for other people and he would be buying the odd one for himself too, and that meant that he was consuming at least eight pints of alcohol over the course of the night. Having that on a semi-regular basis meant that he was getting through a lot of money, which he figured would be better spent on his child instead, so he ended up only coming out every fortnight or so and putting the rest into his bank account.

Then there was the fact that he was dropping our relationship in order to be a better parent. I knew that it was the right thing to do, but I really didn't want to admit it. Who _would_ want to admit that sort of thing, realistically? I knew that having an affair was wrong and so did Seungcheol, but there's always the loophole when you think about it. The loophole might have been that he wasn't seeing another woman because he was seeing a man instead. It might have been that it was fine because we weren't really kissing each other and the affair was purely physical. It might have even been that it was a way of not bothering his girlfriend for sex when he was in the mood for something more, since he knew that she probably wouldn't want to end up sleeping with him a lot when she was always busy at work and trying to deal with the pregnancy. But now, that loophole had been scrapped too. He had decided that we weren't going to sleep together anymore and that was that. I wasn't allowed to argue against it because he expected me to respect his decision, and so I ended up keeping my mouth shut but being absolutely miserable in the process. I felt rejected, if I was being completely honest. I had gone from being his number one to being a person who could spend time with him but couldn't interact with him in the sort of way that I wanted to spend time with him.

You know, I should have supported it. I should have told him that it was a great thing for him to be spending time improving himself for the future of his family. I should have told him that I agreed wholeheartedly and knew that dropping the affair was the only way that he was going to be able to enjoy his relationship without any distractions. I knew that he had to give the child a great start in life and wasn't prepared to take away one of their parents by being a scumbag who cheated on their mother for years, and I knew that he wanted to be that parent who set a great example to his family. And that was why he didn't want to continue what we had. It was reasonable enough - I know that - but I felt as if my heart was breaking when he gradually started to sleep with me less and less and then gradually stopped. In fact, it completely shattered when I tried to kiss him and he told me that he couldn't do it anymore; that he was a family man and he couldn't risk getting involved with me anymore because he knew that he would want it all the time if he dared to dip down that route.

Saying that, though, I still spent a lot of time with him. I was visiting his house on an almost-daily basis and we were pretty much spending all of our time chatting and doing the regular things that friends do. Playing video games, sitting next to each other, going for walks, drinking coffee. It was nothing too special but I couldn't really complain. He could have kicked me out of his life without another word, since he knew that I had the power to ruin his relationship through my responses to him and his fiancee. I could have walked into the house and told her that I was seeing him behind her back and it would be game over. I could tell him that I still loved him and I knew that he would cave and give me everything that I wanted. But I didn't because he trusted that I would never do that to him, and that I wasn't the sort of person who would intentionally do something like that in order to ensure that he was never happy with another person.

Even though it was the choice that _he_ had made, however, there was still a very obvious sexual tension between us. It was clear whenever we were together at work, and even worse when we were out in public with each other. In fact, we were mistaken for a couple on more than one occasion, and sometimes we even went along with it without even arguing against it. Of course, it always left a bitter taste in my mouth, though. I could tell that he still wanted to be with me and I still wanted to be with him, and his hands were itching to grab my hand or waist or even just touch me in a way that was somewhat more direct. I could tell that from the way that they hesitated in the air when he was stood close to me, and the way that his eyes were on my lips more than they were on my eyes. But I still wasn't prepared to undermine the fact that he'd rejected my advances. I'm not that sort of man, even if I _was_ desperate to make him mine again.

So I ended up waiting patiently until he started to relapse. He was starting to get the urge to touch me again, and it had almost happened here and where when his fiancee was at work. His hand would graze my ass as he walked past and my body would set alight right away. I would spin towards him to see what his reaction was, only to find him staring at his hand as if he was sure that it was possessed. To start with, he refused to tell me what was wrong, but then after a few brushes, he confessed that he could feel a tingle of desire in his stomach and a light feeling in his fingers. It was as if he'd touched an angel, he told me, and that was why he was looking at his hand like that. And whilst he would tell me over and over again that he didn't want anything else with me, his answer was getting to be more and more unsure as time went on. I could see that he wanted to come back to me and see what would happen but he had already made the decision to avoid that in order to make a good impression for his child, so he didn't want to back out of his promise either.

It was only a matter of time, though. It was always going to come back in one form or another. But strangely enough, this time it wasn't anything sexual at the start. In fact, he had told me out loud that he didn't want to have sex with me again. He said that it would only tempt him further and he couldn't bear to be that guy for much longer. No, he wanted to do other things. He wanted to have skin contact without getting too involved with each other. He wanted to give me romance and make me feel amazing inside without being the one to go inside my body. He wanted to have an emotional affair. And, you know, that can be just as bad as a physical affair. At least there's no denying it if you're having a physical affair. If your partner walks in on you all over someone else, you can't really deny that you're having an affair. But if your partner finds you seeking companionship and emotional support from someone else, it's a bit more of a grey area.

For example, Seungcheol's favourite thing to do at the start of the affair was to feel my skin against his own. It seems like something little, but it genuinely meant a lot to him. So we stripped down to our boxers and then laid under the bedsheets together. I was on top of him with my head on his shoulder, and his arms were wrapped relatively loosely around my body. I could feel his heartbeat against my chest and our beats gradually began to synchronise the closer we got together. And then we fell asleep like that. No sex, no touching genitals, and certainly not trying to get the other person worked up. It was just skin contact, where both of us were comfortable with pressing our mostly-naked bodies together so that we could have a comfortable nap, and I really liked that a lot. Of course, it was a bit awkward when we heard the front door slam and both had to jump up and redress before his fiancee had the chance to find us in bed together with no clothes on, but it was absolutely worth it to be able to experience something like that.

Then there was the fact that he bought me expensive gifts out of the remaining money that he didn't save for the baby's arrival. And as much as I tried to reject them, he insisted that he got them for me for a reason. He wanted to make sure that I knew that I was his number one at all times. He needed to let me know that he still had feelings for me, even though he wasn't allowed to have any romantic feelings towards me. So I let him put the silver chain around my neck and admired the tiny silver heart-shaped charm that was attached. I took the vanilla-scented perfume and sprayed it behind my ears and on the base of my neck because I knew that it would arouse his interest if he could smell it on my skin. I took the vintage stuffed rabbit that he gave to me, and I framed the art that he'd bought for me in my bedroom so that I would always be able to look at it when I missed him.

The look on his face when I received the gifts showed that he really enjoyed the fact that we were sharing those sorts of moments together. As much as it made me uncomfortable to accept such expensive and well thought-out gifts from him, I knew that he would have only been upset if I didn't keep accepting them, so I ended up taking them all but profusely thanking him whilst I was at it, just so that I would be able to show him that I really did like everything that he bought me.

What I was even more thankful about, though, was the fact that Seungcheol's fiancee didn't find out about us. It would have only taken her getting home that little bit earlier and she would have seen us in some awkward and uncomfortable positions. She would have caught us on the sofa more times than anything, cuddling without clothes or hand-feeding each other fruit in a way that was way too flirty to be innocent, and anything in their bedroom would have had the power to destroy her trust in him, even just being in there together. Adults don't just invite other adults into their bedrooms unless they're living in student apartments or they're in a physical sort of relationship.

So it continued to blossom. Whenever she wasn't around, he was all over me. At work and at home. He would be at my place as much as he could get away with, and I would be at his place whenever we thought that it was going to be the better option, based on what we were doing and whether my parents were in the house. And whilst it certainly wasn't ideal, I think I liked it that way. We could still be together without being together and it made the fact that we weren't really together that little bit easier for us to manage. It meant that we weren't missing out on much and our relationship wasn't going to be defined by our sexual side, as if had done when he ended up cheating on his first girlfriend after we stopped seeing each other.

Or rather, it continued to blossom for a _while_. I'm sure you know this by now, but things don't go smoothly for me in life. Or for Seungcheol, for that matter. In this case, we found that there were a couple of complications in his fiancee's pregnancy, and so we did actually end up having to cut some of our time together quite short.

It started out with anaemia and gestational diabetes, and both left Seungcheol stumped. He couldn't figure out how to change things in order to make it easier for him. Even when I pointed out that he knew about Mingyu's diabetes and helped me with monitoring that, he informed me that it was a lot harder than he thought it would be when he was actually helping her himself. He said that both of them together made for a difficult mix too, since he was trying his hardest to up her iron levels whilst keeping her sugars low, and since her cravings were for sweet things, it made for an incredibly difficult task. The last thing he really wanted was for her to get ill because the pregnancy was wreaking havoc on her body and making her want unrealistic things, like to have sugar and not have sugar at the same time. And he could see how annoyed she was getting over it because she couldn't have what she wanted.

Then, over the first three months, she developed high blood pressure, she had bleeding gums, and every time she got rid of her cystitis, it would come back. For those who don't know, it's an infection that results in intense pain during urination, plus a constant urge to go to the bathroom. It meant that half of the time when they were out, she was having to find somewhere to pee, and a lot of the time she was rushing home and going straight to the bathroom. Which wouldn't be too bad, except the bathroom was in the room next to the one we were almost always in together when she arrived home. It made for a pretty awkward and uncomfortable experience for us, frankly, especially if we were trying to awkwardly wrestle our clothes back on after naked cuddling.

But interestingly enough, whilst I did say that it meant that we had to cut a lot of our time short together, it also meant that our relationship developed further. It was bittersweet and tainted with misplaced emotions, but at least I got to have some of him. Seungcheol had completely given up with his attempts to avoid getting too close to me for a brief period. He was pretty bothered about everything that was going on around him, especially since she was only around three months into the pregnancy when all of her complications were present, and so he didn't particularly want to sleep with her or anything.

It wasn't anything rude, though. He didn't want to make it worse for her. Imagine how much it would hurt to have sex with your partner if you had a constant urinary infection that was causing pain when you were going to the bathroom. Everything's pretty close together for women, after all, and so it meant that it was a lot of pressure on her body to do that sort of thing. On top of that, there was a chance that she would have further problems with her blood pressure if they went at it too rough - temporary, of course, but still there - and when it was already incredibly high, the last thing she really needed was for it to go any higher. It was all just incredibly unfortunate for her, honestly. I wanted nothing more than to apologise to her over the fact that the pregnancy really wasn't treating her well, but instead, I ended up messing around with her fiance. At the time, I had thought that I was doing her a favour by stopping him from having the urge to touch her when she was already going through a lot, but nowadays I realise that I wasn't doing anything to help her.

After all, once you get back into that routine, it's difficult to stop it again. We had only managed to go for three and a half months - around fifteen weeks in total - without touching each other, and then it had all collapsed under our fingertips. All of the effort to avoid getting involved with each other again was out of the window, and Seungcheol made sure that we both enjoyed it throughout. We were pressed chest-to-chest the entire time and his forehead pressed delicately against mine, and our breath mingled as we gazed lovingly into each other's eyes. And whilst I knew that it would hurt her if she ever found out what we were doing, I insisted in doing it in riskier places so that if she ever happened to come back at the wrong time, she would know what we were doing. Seungcheol didn't complain, though. He simply did as I asked and hoped that we would be done before she got there.

Then there was the matter of the naked photos that we shared with each other. Another risky move. She knew that he had naked photos on his phone, but she never questioned whether they had been sent to other people. She sometimes asked to see them when she was in the mood to look at his body without making him squirm under her gaze, and he always gave his phone to her without even bothering to argue against it. I had seen those very same photos, though. He had sent them through a messaging app that was always open on his phone - one that didn't even need a password in order to access it - and so if she wanted, she would have been able to see the fact that he was sending such images to me. She would have seen the ones that were sultry and the ones that were more teasing, paired with captions about how he wanted nothing more than to spread my ass and sit me on his face. Those sorts of things could only be interpreted one way, and so he would have been screwed if she had opened the app to check what he'd been sending other people.

It's odd, though. In those sorts of situations, you expect people to get that little bit sneakier with their paramour. You expect them to do things that their partners wouldn't notice in the slightest. But Seungcheol didn't even bother to hide it when we were together. She would get home to find that I had love-bites all over my neck - conveniently in places that my work jacket would cover them and stop the prying eyes of my supervisors - and she simply assumed that I had received them from a lover who I met up with once I left their house. She saw the gifts that he bought me and could probably catch the lingering scent of vanilla in the air, but she didn't say a word about it. It was happening under her nose - a desperate attempt for Seungcheol to make sense of the people and the world around him in an unhealthy, bitter way - but she failed to comment on it. So the affair got worse.

If I didn't know any better, I would think that the sudden sloppiness of his actions meant that he was trying to make her aware of what we were doing. People tend not to simply do those sorts of things and not hide it because they thought that their partner wouldn't catch on to the fact that their shirts smell of someone else's perfume and their actions are suddenly secretive. Saying that, though, I didn't find out his motives for it, so I can't say which it was for sure. I just hoped that it wasn't an attempt to rub it in her face. And if it was, it clearly didn't work that well. She didn't rise to the bait at all, and so his efforts would have been wasted.

Unfortunately, however, all of our friends seemed to catch on way before she did. Now, that was something I didn't expect at all. Friends have this special way with each other where it can seem like you're flirting when you're actually not, but only the people close to you really seem to be able to tell whether it's serious or not. Strangers and acquaintances are nowhere near as good at making sense of that sort of thing. I could tell that their eyes were on us, though. Seungcheol would playfully grab my ass here and there, and everyone would freeze. If other ex-love interests did that - like Hansol and Jisoo, who apparently had a brief thing together back when they first met, but which died off after around three months of insistent flirting with each other - no one would even bat an eyelid. In fact, I think even Seungkwan would find it hilarious, even though he was dating Hansol.

But they knew when it came to us. They had no solid evidence that there was still something between us, but whenever our fingers brushed or Seungcheol playfully slapped my thigh or I sat on his lap and pretended to be so in love with him that we couldn't be separated, I caught glimpses of the bated breath and shifting eyes around the group.

It was just a matter of time before someone _did_ have solid evidence, though, and I knew that it was coming from the way that Seungcheol was so open about his feelings for me whenever we were together. It was just a matter of time before Jihoon drifted over to him whilst he was trying to arrange the delivery and quietly asked if he could speak to him in the office for a few minutes. Seungcheol asked if it could wait and Jihoon hesitated for a few seconds as the air between them grew thick. "You have exactly five minutes to finish this delivery so you don't lose your place, then I'm coming to get you if you're not there." Then he turned on his heel and sped back towards the office without another glance back.


	41. Chapter 41

I decided to wait for Seungcheol when he went into the office. I could tell that it was something bad because Jihoon is rarely _that_ serious with friends, so I ended up spending a good amount of time trying to guess what it could have been about, too. The thing is, he can be very firm with other members of staff and customers because he's not the most positive person in the world - which is funny, since he was dating Seokmin and Soonyoung, who are both like the sunshine - but with our group, he's probably one of the most caring people in the world. He'd do anything for any of us, even now that we're a lot older and people are starting to drift away from each other. To see his jaw clenched and hear his words come out so dryly was a bit of a shock for both Seungcheol and I, frankly, so I ended up hovering around the area in hopes of being the first person to find out what was happening.

A lot of things ran through my mind. Perhaps he had made a big mistake in the delivery or something. I know there was an issue in which we had twice the stock that we needed on one day, but I didn't really think that it was his fault. After all, he had only ordered it once but the distributor sent the same delivery from the day before, too. That meant that there wasn't enough room to put things away and we were trying our hardest to cram things onto shelves. In fact, we were working on it all until at least four o'clock that afternoon, even with four of us trying to sort it. I supposed that it was a possibility, even though it was incredibly unlikely that it would be related to that. Then my mind wandered further. Maybe it was something to do with the customers or something. Or maybe even the fact that people weren't helping out with fast-track picks when the shop first opened. It was hard enough getting the initial rush out of the way as it was, without having to worry about the nighttime picks not having been done. It should have been a quick, easy job in the morning, but it never was and I knew that that annoyed Jihoon a lot.

Then there was the clear elephant in the room. The fact that Seungcheol and I were still seeing each other behind his fiancee's back, and that all of our friends knew what was happening but they didn't have enough evidence to call us out over it. Well, that and the fact that Seungcheol had mastered the art of lying about it so they really couldn't tell whether it was genuine or we were just playing around because we were back to being close friends. Now, I don't know what sort of evidence Jihoon would have, but I started to get nervous. I wanted to know right away once I'd thought of that as a possibility. So I began pacing. Every time I got a pick, I would rush over to it, then I would rush right back over to the delivery area once I was free again. And by rush, I mean _seriously_ rush as fast as I could without running. I was managing to get picks from aisle thirty-four from aisle eighteen in less than a minute - including the time it took to get it out to the customer.

But they still didn't come out. I expected that the chat would take ten minutes at most, but they were still in the room after thirty minutes. They were still there an hour later. And an hour and a half after they first went into the room. I made an excuse to walk past the room to see whether the chat had stopped and they were getting friendly with each other instead. The blinds were drawn and there was a note on the door instructing other members of management to refrain from entering the room. And that was when I realised that it must have been incredibly serious. I felt my heart sinking down into my stomach as I decided to drop it and get back to my work without concerning myself with what was happening in the room, and so I began busying my hands in every way possible instead. I organised all of the shelves and made sure that everything was pulled forward, and then I swept the aisles. I spent time chatting with the customers when I was on the shop floor, and then I offered to help the shop floor staff out whenever I had the time.

Finally, after almost two hours, Seungcheol and Jihoon came out of the room. For a moment, I considered rushing over to them so that I could discuss it with Seungcheol, but the aura that came spilling out of the room really put me off. They hadn't even made their way out into the warehouse and I already had a sense that there was bad blood between them. So I hid between the aisles again and tidied the shelves, trying my best to make things look presentable. And then I caught a glimpse of Seungcheol's face. His eyes were puffy and red, and there were tear stains on his cheeks. I could see that his nose was running a little bit too, but he took out a tissue and wiped it as he was walking. Jihoon, on the other hand, held his stern expression. He simply made a beeline towards the staff room so that he could get a drink before making his way back onto the shop floor. He didn't speak to a single person as he did it, and I could tell that no one particularly wanted to try to break that silence either.

Once he was out of sight and I was sure I didn't have any other picks, I slowly made my way over to Seungcheol and asked him if there was anything he needed me to do in the delivery area. He looked up at me, his eyes still glazed with tears, then shook his head. "It's fine. The drivers will be here in about half an hour. I didn't realise that I was gone for so long, sorry." Then he forced a laugh. It was probably the saddest laugh that I've ever heard in my life, and it broke my heart as soon as I heard it.  
"Is everything okay?" I asked softly as I took a few steps closer to him. He hesitated. It was clear that he was stuck between rejecting me by claiming that everything was fine and it was allergies or something, and telling me absolutely everything because he knew that I needed to know why he was in there so long and came out in tears. So he took a moment to consider it before finally deciding that the way forward was to admit it outright.

"Not really, no," he said quietly to me. His eyes flashed around the nearby area to make sure that there was no one else around, and then returned to my face. "I can't tell you what it is whilst we're here but I'll tell you when we finish work. What time are you done today?"  
"I think I'm finished at five o'clock today." He gave a hum of acknowledgement before telling me that he was finished at four-thirty, so he was going to get a coffee in the shop three doors down from our one and he would wait for me there. Then we could either discuss it at the coffee shop or we could go back to his place. His fiancee was home, though, so it wasn't the most ideal place for us to be, but he guessed at least we would have been able to have some privacy away from other people if we went there. I could see how uncomfortable the thought made him, though, so I shook my head. The coffee shop was absolutely fine and I was sure that it would be the better alternative, rather than going to his place and risking his fiancee overhearing what had happened.

So we pushed through the rest of our shift. The tension between Jihoon and Seungcheol was incredibly obvious and it made everyone else feel a little bit nervous, but at least we didn't have too much longer with the two of them on shift together. Jihoon left at three o'clock, Seungcheol finished an hour and a half later, and then I finished mine half an hour after him. I took my time getting my belongings, since I was hit with an overwhelming fear as soon as I realised that we were about to discuss something incredibly serious, and then I called for a manager to sign me out for the day. We had a very quick chat about how my shift had gone before he let me go, and then I made my way out of the store without another word. I could feel my legs starting to get heavy as I made my way towards the coffee shop, but I didn't really know why my body was reacting in that sort of way. After all, it could have been something small that was simply dragged out, but I was getting as nervous as I would have been if I had been the one who was called into the office in his place.

The nerves only got worse when I saw him sat inside the shop. I almost turned and left, but then he saw me so I was forced to make my way inside. I could hear my heart beating in my ears and it was the worst feeling in the world. It was only made worse by the fact that I didn't know why I was responding in such a way. I think I might have thought from the start that it was something to do with me too, but I couldn't say for sure so I do think that the automatic response may have been a bit too much. Nevertheless, though, I strode over to him and took a seat, and then Seungcheol got up and got me a drink without me even asking him to do so. It took just a minute or two for it to be made, then he brought the mug over to the table and placed it down in front of me. There was a thick silence between us for longer than necessary.

"So?" I piped up, hoping that the fear in my voice would make him put it out there a little bit quicker. Seungcheol let out a soft sigh and ran a hand through his hair.  
"I fucked up, Jeonghan," he told me. "I fucked up really badly. I tried to send you a photo last night. One of our usual photos, you know." At that point, he stopped to let me think of the sorts of photos that we sent between us on a regular basis. Surely, he meant the nude photos that he had been exchanging with me. We rarely ever sent each other anything else. My stomach flipped. "Well, your name in my phone is 'Jhan' and Jihoon's is 'Jhun', so guess who I sent the photo."  
"You sent him a photo instead of me?" I echoed. I could feel my throat starting to clench with nerves right away. Seungcheol gave a nod and let out a long breath through puffed cheeks.  
"I didn't even realise that I hadn't sent it to you because it was supposed to be something for you to wake up to this morning. And since I've been messaging you both lately, I didn't even think to check."

The story progressed. Jihoon had taken him into the office to have a chat about it because he knew that Seungcheol had meant to send it to me instead of him. He knew that Seungcheol wouldn't have sent him a photo of his genitals like that, and he certainly wouldn't caption it with, "It's like this because I'm thinking about eating your ass again," if it actually _was_ meant for Jihoon. So they had gone in to discuss a number of things related to the photo. Why did he think it was appropriate to send someone a photo of his genitals when he wasn't dating them? Why did he think that it was appropriate to do that with his ex-boyfriend in particular, and why would he do something like that when he had just announced to everyone that he was engaged to his fiancee? In particular, Jihoon was furious because she was carrying his child and he thought that it was incredibly disrespectful for Seungcheol to be cheating on his fiancee when they were going to be having a baby together. It was bad enough as it was without all of that too.

It had led to Seungcheol trying to defend his actions but Jihoon wasn't having any of it. Whether Seungcheol liked it or not, he had been having an affair with me and it wasn't right. There was no denying it, he said. Even if we weren't touching each other in a sexual way, it was very much an emotional affair and Seungcheol knew full well that if he was to tell her about it, she wouldn't say that it was okay. And seeing as that was the case, Jihoon determined that he knew that what he was doing was wrong. It might have been a grey area in the first place, but it had gone too far and now it was definitely cheating. And so Seungcheol had to listen to a rant about how it was the most disgusting thing that he could do to his pregnant fiancee. It was incredibly disrespectful and went to show that he didn't deserve to have a child in the first place. That had made Seungcheol cry, but Jihoon wasn't prepared to stop when he saw him getting upset. In fact, his next move was to tell Seungcheol to resign.

The team didn't need someone who would be sleeping with one of his staff, he told him. Seungcheol needed to get a new job because there was no place for someone like him in the company. If everyone else could respect their partners enough to not sleep with sales staff, he could do the same. And whilst Seungcheol tried to argue that he didn't need to resign just because Jihoon had a problem with him, Jihoon was quick to put him in his place. He said that he hadn't stopped liking him as a friend - that he did want to fix things with Seungcheol in the future and make everything okay between them again - but he couldn't stand the thought of letting it slip past. He had been on the receiving end of it all before and he knew that it was a horrible thing to find out that your partner had been seeing someone else behind your back. It was the sort of thing that would absolutely crush his fiancee and it wouldn't be fair on the baby, and that was why Jihoon needed him to move on and find another job.

On top of that, it reduced the temptation. If I wasn't around him constantly, Seungcheol would probably have less of an urge to take me home. We would be able to create some space between us and then come back as friends, just as we'd tried to do when we first ended our relationship. And Seungcheol couldn't argue with that. To do so would be to undermine the experiences that both Jihoon and his fiancee had been through, so he did what he had to do. He sat there with Jihoon and wrote out his letter of resignation, informing the store manager that he needed to finish working there as soon as possible and there was nothing he could do to convince him. This wasn't a matter of him being bullied by other members of staff or a disagreement with someone that had been blown out of the water; this was a matter of him doing what was right when he'd done something wrong, and so he needed the store manager to respect that. Then he handed the letter to Jihoon to put on the store manager's desk before moving onto the next part of the discussion.

He had to tell her what he'd done. He had to go and confess the fact that he'd been seeing someone else behind her back and had to let her choose what to do with that information herself. If she wanted to break up with him, he wasn't allowed to get fussy because she was well within her right to end a relationship with someone who respected her so little as to have an affair behind her back when she was carrying his child and he was living under her roof. If she chose to keep him around, though, it was his job to show her that he wasn't going to do it again. It was his job to make it so that she knew how much he loved her and to make it up to her with whatever gesture he felt was appropriate. So he wanted me to come home with him so that he could explain it all to her. He knew that it was a private matter but it was better that he made her aware of exactly what had been happening and who it had been with so that there was less bad blood between me and her. And as much as I really didn't want to have to go home with him and do something like that, I knew that it had to happen. It was just basic respect and it would mean that we would be able to heal. Without even bothering to argue against it, I agreed to do it for him.

So we went back to his place and made our way straight into the main room, where his fiancee was already sitting. She had her feet up, since they were swollen and sore, and had a box of chocolates to one side of her body. When she saw us, though, she adjusted herself into a less comfortable sitting position and slid the chocolates under the sofa before asking if we were finished with work already. Seungcheol told her that we _had_ finished and that we got coffee on the way back. He offered up a little smile and she noticed that something was wrong right away. Women have a way of knowing that there's something different about the way that their partner acts, even if the change is very slight, and so it was no surprise that she caught onto it before either of us had the chance to bring it up. And so, we ended up being thrust into it before we'd even thought of a way to make the disappointment gradual.

Seungcheol seemingly didn't know what to say when she brought it up, though. His jaw hung open slightly as he flashed a glance in my direction, and then he shuffled uncomfortably on the spot as he tried to come up with a way of explaining himself. And then it just came out as a simple, "There's actually something that we need to talk to you about." Her eyebrow raised, naturally, and then her eyes flickered between us. And I knew that she was aware of what was coming up next. I knew right away that she already had a sense of it. So she said what she thought it was and as it turned out, she was absolutely right.  
"You're gonna tell me that you two have been sleeping together behind my back, aren't you?" she asked softly, her voice not showing any hint of extreme emotion. It wasn't even that dry as a comment either; it wasn't as if she was trying to make us feel bad about it from the start, and I did actually appreciate that a lot. Seungcheol, on the other hand, seemingly didn't know what to do with himself. His eyes flashed over in my direction, and then he let out an awkward laugh.

"I mean, I guess you could put it like that," he said quietly. "I don't think it really counts as sleeping together, but you know..." The mood changed right away. His fiancee stared at him in complete silence, her expression showing off the fact that she wasn't happy at all. She really didn't think that it was a laughing matter, and I do think that it's quite understandable, actually.  
"Well, what did you do with each other, then?"  
"It was just a bit of flirting and stuff. A cuddle here and there. I guess it was more of an emotional thing than a sexual thing, and the most sexual part of it was sending a couple of photos." Her eyebrow only raised higher as she watched him trying to explain himself. For the moment, I wasn't in the room. I was completely invisible. And that was fine by me, since I didn't really want to be a part of it all. I watched as his fiancee stayed perfectly collected, knowing full well that she had the upper hand, and then braced myself for the questions that I knew would follow.

Those questions came out in quick-fire succession. "Have you ever actually had sex with him whilst you were in a relationship with me, Seungcheol?"  
"Uh... I think we did once or twice at the start of the relationship, before we were really serious." Lie. Next.  
"Have you done anything physical with him whilst we've been engaged?"  
"No, I can promise you that. I haven't done anything like that with him since before you told me that you were pregnant." White lie, right on the cusp. It was better than the last lie, though.  
"And do you currently have romantic feelings for him?" Seungcheol turned to look at me for a second. I tried my hardest not to look at him in return. The last thing I really wanted was for him to tell her that he loved me whilst I was stood there. I couldn't think of anything more humiliating.  
"I don't, no." I'm not sure if that was a lie, but I wasn't really prepared to ask him. After all, it was much better that he didn't, especially in the position that we were in at that point in time.

She then turned her head towards me and I immediately felt a bead of sweat trickling down the side of my face. It was the stare of a powerful woman who knew her worth and understood that if her fiance was telling her that sort of thing, she could find a way to handle it. "And you? Do you have romantic feelings for Seungcheol?" I didn't know what to say in response to that. Of course, I definitely had feelings for him. They were strong feelings and they made me want him every time he was near to me. But I couldn't tell her that. I couldn't confess that whilst Seungcheol claimed to be sleeping with me for the sake of it, I was doing it because I loved him. So I ended up having to lie as well, and that just made me feel awful.  
"I don't have romantic feelings for him, no. And even if I did, I just want you to know that I'd never want to be in a relationship with him, so you don't have to worry about that either." She gave a hum of acknowledgement before turning back to Seungcheol.

Then she made him explain why he had done it. What had been his motivation for cheating? Did he think that he was interested in men and then tried it out so that he could know that he preferred women? Did he not take their relationship seriously? Was he bored with her already? Seungcheol clearly looked uncomfortable as he told her that he had done it solely because the stresses of life were getting to him, but he was trying to find better ways of managing it. To tell her that we'd been sneaking around together at the start of their relationship was his attempt at making peace with it and acknowledging the fact that he'd done wrong, and telling her about the fact that we were sending each other raunchy images was his way of taking responsibility for doing something he hadn't seen as bad at the time, but which he realised was awful more recently. He swore that he would never do it again and that he felt awful over what he'd done, and so his fiancee simply sighed and pressed her face into her hands for a second as she tried to think of how to respond.

"I hope you know that I'm disappointed," she eventually said. "Very, very disappointed. But I'm a grown adult and I know my worth more than either of you could imagine. I can tell you right now that I think you've grown up and it's worth staying together for the sake of a long-term relationship and the baby we're having together, but I won't tolerate any shit, Seungcheol." I watched as Seungcheol gave a little nod and accepted the scolding. He looked like a child, and I do have to admit that it made him look ridiculous. "I'm not going to be that woman who stops you from seeing your friends, even if you _did_ sleep with Jeonghan behind my back. But I want you to promise me that you're not going to cheat with him any longer. If I find out that you're cheating with him again, I'll simply cut you off for good. And don't think I won't find out if you do it again. It's a case of 'when', not 'if', so I expect you to grow up and take responsibility for what you've done."

And then she _dismissed_ us and got back to her programme. She took her chocolates back out and began to eat them a little bit angrier, and then I heard her starting to cry as soon as we left the room.

Now, I don't want to be that guy who blames someone's emotions on their pregnancy, but it was a bit of a weird situation and I really don't think that her response would have been like that if she wasn't experiencing a hormonal response. Seungcheol and I didn't really know what to do with ourselves when we were out in the hallway. He didn't really want to disturb her crying by being around her too much when it was clear that she didn't want him to be in the same room for a little while, but he didn't really want to leave her either. On top of that, he figured that the best idea was for me to simply leave and he'd tell me what ended up happening later on down the line. He still had to tell her that he'd lost his job too, which was probably a bit too much to say in one day, but then he guessed that he could always pretend to be doing to work and instead head towards a library so that he could apply for jobs whilst he was there. At least that way, he could pretend for a little bit longer.

So we ended up parting ways pretty quickly and I started on my way home with all of the conversations stuck in my head the entire time. The conversation that Seungcheol had shared with Jihoon about his resignation and the fact that he knew about our affair. The conversation that we'd had with his fiancee upon arriving back at their place. The brief conversation that we had out in the hallway. None of those conversations were particularly nice and they genuinely did make me feel a bit regretful too. Regretful that I would get myself in that sort of position when I had been trying my hardest to keep out of it. Regretful that it would end up having to come out to the second girlfriend he had after me, just like it had come out to the first girlfriend.

But I suppose that that's the reality of things. I couldn't expect to _not_ have to deal with that, seeing as I was encouraging my ex-boyfriend to have an affair with me and it was still very clear that I wasn't going to be getting over him any time soon, but it was still something that bothered me a lot. Somewhere deep down in my stupid twenty-something-year-old brain, I thought that I deserved better than to be dragged through the dirt like that. I thought I deserved better than to be the man who didn't get what he wanted constantly. But it was an unrealistic expectation, considering that I was an active player in the affairs that Seungcheol had.

As I've said before, though, the things that I did when I was younger shouldn't be condoned in the slightest. I expected too much and gave too little, and that was what landed me in more trouble than anything. It takes two to get us to that point, and we were simply lucky that his fiancee didn't mind that we were still going to be friends. She was a reasonable woman and she knew that Seungcheol wasn't going to risk doing that sort of thing again. And although the trust between them was damaged, I knew that they would pick themselves up soon enough. With no help from me, they were going to push through it and be a great couple, and as much as I didn't like it, that was something that I was just going to have to deal with, in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for all of the slow updates lately - the shop I'm working at is moving and we're having to manually move everything and have had four deliveries in the past week, instead of the usual two!! It makes for a Really Difficult Time but I'm trying my hardest to get every chapter of my current projects written before Christmas, since I'm going away for a few days and can't post in that period!! It'll get done, I promise!!
> 
> Thank you for all of your patience!! <3


	42. Chapter 42

Now, you'll have to excuse this chapter. It's going to include a lot of information because a lot of things happened in the final few months of his fiancee's pregnancy. It's too much to put into a regular chapter, but too little to split into two. All you really need to know is that everything here happened between the point where she was four months along and the birth of their first child.

First thing's first. Seungcheol got a new job with absolutely no difficulty whatsoever. And I mean that. He applied for five jobs online and got called into interviews for all of them. Two were for retail jobs, one was a managerial position for event-running, and then the other two were office jobs. He was offered three out of five jobs and ended up going for one of the office jobs. It wasn't the sort of thing that he really wanted to be doing with his life but he was on an annual wage of forty million won per year. That's a lot of money and significantly more than the amount that he was getting at the store. And whilst I was upset about the fact that our affair had cost him his job, I was also proud of the fact that he was able to get another job doing something that earned him a lot more money. I was happy that he was able to live comfortably and get all of the furniture for the baby whilst he was at it, and then he still had money left over. I watched him go from being very stressed and bothered to being happy with the outcomes of his efforts, and I think that it's a hard thing to change in such a short amount of time. That was what made it all worth it, and it also made it seem like an even bigger achievement in that case.

Secondly, the pregnancy was going pretty well. He and his fiancee made up over the fact that he had been seeing me behind her back, and she told him that she still trusted him to be around me because she knew that he was ready to step up and be a father now that he'd told her about the fact that he'd been cheating on her behind her back. They got to experience all of the good things that first-time parents got to experience after that. Seungcheol got to feel his baby kicking and turning over. They went for the scans and brought back another photo of the baby after a little while. It was a lot bigger, compared to how it was in the first photo, and I could tell that whilst Seungcheol was acting like it wasn't a big deal, he was very happy with the fact that he was getting to see his baby growing. Then they had the nurse check what they were having and as it turned out, they were going to be having a son. They began planning for that and whilst the nursery was going to be neutral in appearance, Seungcheol did really want to get the baby a gendered babygrow for when he came out of the hospital.

It was actually pretty sweet to see how happy he was when the baby was developing. He didn't seem like the sort of person who would be like that, but there wasn't a single day that he seemed to be too upset to be smiling when he got home to see his fiancee. In fact, they were even planning their second child before the first was born. They wanted to have two close together so that they would be able to be each other's friends and could grow up well together. There was a chance that they would have more too, but that was for them to discuss a little bit later on down the line. For the moment, the focus was going to be on the one they were having and perhaps planning out that they wanted their family to look like overall over the next few years. And I have to admit it; I was jealous as soon as I heard that they were doing that. It only made me realise how much I wanted to be back with Seungcheol and how much I wanted to be the person who was having his child. You'll see that this is a recurring theme whenever he's taken, of course, but it doesn't change the fact that I don't want kids with him when he's actually available for me to snatch him right up.

Next was the plans for their wedding. They were actually planning on getting married around six to eight weeks after his fiancee had given birth because she wanted to be able to get rid of some of her baby weight instead of being heavily pregnant in all of the photos. Whilst it wasn't great for them to be waiting until after the baby's birth when they were both from pretty traditional families who thought that sex should come after marriage as it was and babies before marriage was unthinkable, I suppose at least they were going to be able to make her feel more confident in her appearance. And that's a good thing. You don't want someone to feel disgusting on their wedding day and whilst it's a bit of a different story when someone is pregnant because it's not like they can diet and slim down, it's still not the ideal sort of photos that you'd want to showcase a lot of the time.

The wedding was going to be absolutely beautiful, they said. They wanted it to be big and white, but also incredibly traditional. Traditional wedding garments everywhere and everyone dressed in pale colours. White reception, white dinner for their family. They were going to have a wedding party for all of the guests to show thanks for the support that they had received, but it was going to be as traditional as possible. Not necessarily the sort of traditional that you'd usually see in Korea or Japan - where she was born - of course, but the traditional that came alongside her Christian background. It was something that suited both of their families and friends, and I guess that's the sort of thing that you want from a wedding really. Their budget was incredibly high because they wanted nothing more than to go all out and make the wedding beautiful, but it was also going to be a relatively quick ceremony. On top of that, it was supposed to be relatively stress-free for them, since they hired a wedding planner to sort all of the details for them whilst they were in work.

Saying that, though, Seungcheol didn't really want the wedding planner to help him with picking out his own clothes. No, he wanted me to help him instead. I have to admit that I was a bit reluctant to help with something like that but then he told me that I was probably his best friend, and so I ended up feeling obliged to go with him. What else could I do? Make him go with a complete stranger when he expressed that he really didn't want to do that? It would have been heartless. So I followed him to the store to pick out a suit for the actual wedding and a hanbok for when heir parents met with them for a meal. To start with, he figured that the suit would be nice and easy. He wanted something that was clean, crisp and black. It would contrast with his fiancee's white dress, which she'd already picked out ready. She wasn't going to buy it until she was sure that she would be able to fit into it, but she had it picked out and reserved nonetheless.

As it turned out, he suited all of the suits. He tried on a couple, each with slightly different designs, and all of them fit well. I could see that he was happy with how he looked in them and that was pretty uplifting, but it also absolutely crushed my heart to see him dressed up like that. It made it real for me. It made me realise that I wasn't going to have a chance with him anymore. He came out of the dressing room to show me what he was wearing once he'd finally decided on the one he wanted, and my heart seized as soon as I saw him. He adjusted the cuffs and collar as he looked into the mirror, then he turned his head towards me. "Do you think it fits okay?" he asked nervously. It was clear that he liked it but the last thing he really wanted to do was think he looked good and then have his fiancee tell him that it looked ridiculous and she hated it. I don't think I cared what she thought, though. I thought he looked absolutely beautiful

"You look nice," I said, though, trying my hardest to sound modest. He turned to face me, his eyes sparkling a little bit with hope.  
"Really?" And then the tension hit.

We both knew what we wanted to do. We were barely a foot apart. Seungcheol looked into my eyes for a moment, and I immediately saw his hope shatter. He knew what he wanted to do too, but he knew right away that it was against what he'd promised. Against what he said he'd do. He was absolutely certain that he wasn't going to end up going down that route again but there he was, trying to fight the desperate urge to do exactly what he said he wouldn't do. "We're about the same size, aren't we?" he asked softly, dropping his voice slightly. I nodded as subtly as I could manage.  
"I think your chest is a few inches larger than mine but that's fine."  
"Can you put one of them on so that I can compare the suits side-by-side?"

We both knew that that wasn't why he wanted me to wear one of the suits, but I did it regardless. I pulled one on as quickly as I could manage, then moved out into the open again. And Seungcheol's breath was sucked from his body right away. He began to tear up as I moved closer to him and had to fight the urge to press his face into the shoulder of the suit as I hugged him. We hadn't bought them so we couldn't really afford to make them damp. I tried my hardest to calm him down until the tears had stopped falling, but it took a lot longer than I anticipated. He felt guilty over his feelings and it was getting in the way of the happiness that he was supposed to feel as a result of being engaged and planning out his wedding. "I want to kiss you," he breathed softly into the air between us. "I don't care if she finds out - I just want to kiss you right now. It's the only time I'll get to do so when we're looking like this. We look like we're..."

And then he stopped. He didn't need to continue, if we were both being completely honest with ourselves. We both knew that he was going to say that we looked as if we were the ones who were getting married, but the fantasy was one that we couldn't allow. It was the sort of fantasy that was taboo enough as it was without the fact that Seungcheol was marrying someone else. Even so, however, we made our way into the changing room to get changed out of the suits again, and then Seungcheol ended up kissing me hard. I couldn't bring myself to reject him when we both needed it so badly, but I knew that it would feel even worse for him when he realised that he was doing what he said he wouldn't do. I wanted to stop it from happening for that reason solely, but it wasn't going to happen. Not when he was crying like that again and holding my cheeks between his hands. So I put on a weak smile as soon as our lips parted again, just to tell him that I couldn't fully condone what he was doing but understood why he was doing it, and then simply got changed back into my regular clothes in silence.

"Could you do me a huge honour, please?" Seungcheol asked softly once the suits were back on the hangers. I looked up at him. "Could you get that one in your size and wear it as my best man, please? I want you to be by my side as I'm marrying her because I want to spend a few minutes imagining that I'm marrying you instead." I swallowed thickly. Again, a dangerous game. I shouldn't have been encouraging that sort of attitude, but I knew that both of us wanted to pretend for just a few minutes. She didn't have to know anything. As far as she was aware, I was there to support him and help to make the wedding run smoothly. So I agreed. He said he'd get the suit for me, since it was a part of the wedding budget anyway, and so he took the two suits to the counter whilst he tried on the hanbok.

When I got home, I felt absolutely disgusted in myself. I ended up having to call Jisoo to tell him that I was treading on dangerous territory again and that I was starting to fall in love with Seungcheol that little bit more again. I told him that I didn't want to have feelings for him, but they were fresh in my mind and everything felt awful as a result of it. I told him that we tried on suits together and he kissed me. And I informed him right away that I knew how bad I was, as a person, so I didn't really need him to tell me that.

But he seemed to be sympathetic towards me, for once. He apologised for the fact that I wasn't able to have who I wanted to have, even if I did end up changing my mind and wanted to have children with him. But then he told me that I needed to get over it. As much as it was going to hurt, I needed to push past my feelings for him because we both knew that things weren't going to work out between us. If Seungcheol was going to marry someone else, I needed to move on as quickly as possible. It was for my sake, his sake, his fiancee's sake, and their unborn child's sake. It wasn't fair to rip a family apart because of my own selfish desires. And as much as I wanted to tell him that that wasn't the case and I didn't agree with what he was saying, we both knew that it was true. We both knew that I was going to have to finish with him as quickly as possible so that it didn't affect four lives and only affected two. So I decided that I was going to start rejecting his advances if he ever tried to flirt with me again. I wouldn't let him kiss me or hug me for too long, and I certainly wasn't going to let myself fall into bed with him. That was final.

Which worked for a while, of course. Seungcheol was actually on board with it without me ever having to mention it out loud. For the most part, he didn't even try anything with me but then when he did and I rejected him, he always made sure to apologise and back off. It worked pretty well and I do feel that we managed to make it through pretty well, considering that it was very clear how much we still wanted each other. In fact, I gradually started to feel as if I could push through and potentially shed my feelings for him. I figured that there was always a chance to do that whilst we were getting closer and closer to the set wedding date, and so I actually felt a lot happier with the fact that I was around him when his fiancee finally went back to Japan to stay with her parents, right at the end of the pregnancy.

The plan was for her to stay with them whilst she was in the final few weeks - between thirty-five and forty - so that she would always have someone around if she went into labour. Obviously, Seungcheol wasn't really round a lot before the birth. After all, he was having to work long hours to prove himself to his bosses, and he only got a month of paid paternity leave so he was planning on taking it in the final two weeks of the pregnancy so that he could spend some time with her in Japan and they could get used to being new parents for a few days before going back to their regular lives. So he stayed in Korea and worked exceptionally hard, and she gave him constant updates on what was happening.

I didn't actually hear much about it, mind you. These sorts of things are pretty private, so I didn't want to be that guy who started prying into their life like that. I was simply going to let Seungcheol tel me when he eventually became a father. He said that I would be the first person who he called, and so it was only a matter of time. A matter of five weeks. So I began counting down on my own, in hopes that it would make me feel happy for them and I wouldn't feel too jealous when their perfect little family came together finally. I hoped that by counting down the days until her due date, I would be able to celebrate with them, rather than feeling as if I was becoming numb because the person I wanted had moved onto someone else.

The call actually came at around thirty-seven weeks - the week before Seungcheol was due to fly out to Japan. I jumped for my phone as soon as I heard it ringing, and then picked it up right away. "Seungcheol?" I asked, as if it wasn't his phone number and I wasn't expecting him to answer. For a second, he was completely silent and I worried that the connection was poor, but then I heard him let out a long breath and my heart stopped for a second. "Is something wrong?"  
"Can you come over right now, please? I need you here." I hesitated for a moment, not knowing what to say.  
"Can I ask what this is about?"  
"Please just come over. I need you."

Then he cut the call off. I sat in silence. His voice had seemed flustered right at the end, as if he'd done something wrong. I was worried about what I'd find when I got to his place, but I knew that I couldn't really put it off when it was clear that he wasn't okay. That much was obvious, I think. He wasn't okay in the slightest. Of course, I didn't really know what could be wrong but I didn't really want to guess either. So I got dressed in regular clothes, told my parents that I'd be out for a little while, then grabbed my phone and wallet. On the way to his house, I made sure to stop at the nearest GS25 to get him something to lift his mood up, since I figured that he really wasn't going to be in a good state by the time I got there. And then I went straight there, knocking as soon as I arrived.

It took a minute for him to answer and I worried that I was too slow to get there or something. Perhaps he had been tense and had to have a shower to calm himself down before he did something stupid. Perhaps he was getting dinner or something. Perhaps it was something worse. I didn't want to think about that sort of thing. So I ended up standing there, trying my hardest to stay calm until he opened the door with the cat in his arms. For a second, I thought that he was okay, but then I noticed how his eyes were already puffy and red. He'd been crying and I guessed that that was why he wasn't at the door right away. I tried my hardest not to look too sympathetic, since I knew that it would upset him, but he caught it right away without me even having to make it obvious. Saying that, though, he didn't say it out loud. I could tell it from his face. He left the door open and made his way through to the main room in silence, and so I entered and closed the door and kicked off my shoes before following him.

The room was completely silent. No television set on, no ticking of the clocks. The photos from the ultrasound scans were on the table next to the sofa, along with a case of beer. I didn't really know what to make of it but I guessed it wasn't good, and so I made sure to be as delicate as possible as I took a seat next to him on the sofa and allowed him to move closer to where I was sitting. And for once, the cat wasn't trying to get away from him. He was rubbing himself against Seungcheol's body and meowing softly in his face as he sniffed Seungcheol's cheeks and tried his hardest to get his attention. He nuzzled against him and licked his cheek and everything. That was how I knew that it was more than what I was seeing. Perhaps he was even worse than I thought whilst he was waiting for me to arrive, I guessed, but at least he was actually responding by showing the cat attention so I knew that he was somewhat functional.

It took almost twenty minutes of sitting nearby for him to finally tell me what was wrong. It had come out without prompt and his voice was thick with tears still. It almost didn't come out at all, and that concerned me. But not as much as the words he said. He turned his face towards me and just said it like that. "So, she went into labour about an hour or two ago," he said, waiting for a second so that I could take it in. I didn't smile, though. I knew right away that that wasn't it and there was more to the story. "As it turns out, she was in labour for four days and didn't even realise it. The contractions were so weak that she couldn't even tell and she just thought it was mild discomfort. But because it was going on for so long and the baby started to get distressed, he ended up dying during labour. When he was born, the doctors determined that his heart had stopped beating at least six hours before she gave birth to him. He was healthy, other than that, though. Healthy other than the fact that he died."

I didn't know what to say in response to it. I could tell from his reaction that he was having a hard time processing it. The words were coming out but he had no emotional connection to them. He'd already distanced himself from the situation. Everything had come crumbling down for him on the spot. He didn't really know what to make of it, and his life had suddenly gone grey. He'd given up everything for the baby but now, he was having to deal with the fact that he was never going to be able to meet his son. "You know, I'm pretty sure that it's my fault," he added to the end.  
"What? What could you possibly do to cause that sort of thing?" I asked, making sure to show him through my voice that he was being ridiculous and it couldn't have possibly been his fault.  
"I cheated on her. If I didn't cheat on her, maybe she wouldn't have given birth to a stillborn. Maybe we could have saved him. Maybe..." I leant over to hug him tightly, ensuring that I didn't crush the cat as I did so. At that point, though, Seungcheol burst into tears again.

He pressed his face into my shoulder and I let him cry it out without complaint. I knew that it was for the best that he get it all out, especially if he was worried that it was his fault. I'm sure we both knew that it wasn't his fault or her fault or _anyone's_ fault, for that matter. But it was something that he needed to get out there in order to show himself that it was a ridiculous claim. That there was no chance that someone's actions could affect a healthy baby's chances of survival. Of course, it would have been a different story if he'd come out bruised or had fetal alcohol syndrome or something, but it wasn't the case for that baby. He had been fine. They had done well.

It took a while for him to calm again, understandably enough, and only then did I speak. "What do you want to do?" I asked him softly, "Do you want me to help you to get a ticket to Hokkaido right now so that you'll be able to spend time with her? Do you want to stay here and talk some more? Maybe do something to take your mind off it?" Seungcheol didn't even wait for a second to give me his response.  
"I want to go out drinking with you. I want a cigarette. And I want us to come back here and cuddle afterwards because I don't think I'm going to be able to go to sleep without someone next to me."  
"Are you sure that that's all a good idea?" I asked right away. It didn't seem like a good idea, as far as I was concerned. In fact, it seemed like a ridiculous idea. When he was going through a rough time like that, going back to his old habits was only going to make things worse. And to have me stay for the night when he was away from his fiancee and their child had just died seemed completely out of the question. Saying that, though, he seemed assured. He knew what he wanted to do and at least he said that he wanted someone to sleep _next to_ him instead of _with_ him.

"I know what I want. If you won't give it to me, I'll call someone else. I'll call Jisoo and tell him that I miss spending time with him and not mention the baby. I'll tell Jihoon that I want to make things up to him because he helped me to break away from my bad habits. Fuck it, I'll call a prostitute if no one else answers, and I'll get her to chat with me before sending her home at the end of the night." So he was serious. I gave a soft sigh of defeat before agreeing to do exactly what he wanted, and so we ended up going to the nearest bar. On the way, we went to a convenience store and picked up some cigarettes and he smoked six of them between the store and the bar, even though it was only a few blocks away. I knew then that I shouldn't have let him have it but I'd already done what I did and I couldn't take it back. We were going to be spending the night together and that was that.

I'll cut the details short because I'm wary of how boring they'll be. It was a relatively normal night. We got heavily drunk and shared more information about ourselves. It was like the first time we went out together, where we asked personal questions and got to know each other better. The last question that Seungcheol asked me was whether I still loved him, though, and I had to answer it truthfully. I was in love with him and there was no denying that. I would give him anything he wanted. I was so in love with him that it hurt my chest when I saw him kissing his fiancee. He seemed satisfied by the answer.

Then we made our way back to his place. He sat outside and finished off twelve of the cigarettes. I had the other two, although I wasn't smoking them properly still. It was just for show, just like his neutral exterior was for show. We didn't talk all that much whilst we were sat there but once he'd finished the cigarettes, he turned back to me and let out a sigh. "I want to bed you," he said softly. "Just once more."  
"Your fiancee just gave birth to a stillborn child," I pointed out to him, "I think it's pretty disrespectful." Seungcheol didn't care.  
"It's a fling, Jeonghan. I probably won't stay with her after this. I don't think she really loved me in the first place. She felt obliged to stay with me because we were having a child together. We both know that she can do better than me."

So we ended up going to the bedroom together because I felt sorry for him. As it turned out, though, Seungcheol was too drunk for it. In fact, he ended up pulling out all the way and trying to push back in at the same speed, then we heard a cracking noise and his penis swelled up to twice the size and became a dark purple colour within the space of a minute. The almighty final fling was one that landed him in the hospital with a penile fracture and he had to have surgery to fix it. He quickly decided that what he'd done was unforgivable, so he called her whilst she was in Japan and told her that he was moving out. That his insistent cheating had been the baby's cause of death and he didn't want to upset her anymore by being around. Then he moved out and back in with his parents whilst he searched for a place and cut off all contact with her.

That was the end of their relationship. A bitter, speedy end. I can't support what he did in the slightest, but I can see how that sort of thing can cause stress in relationships. The loss of a child, that is. Especially if you're not certain that your partner is actually truly in love with you. And I guess that they both had that feeling. Perhaps it was better that they broke up before they got too invested in a future together.


	43. Chapter 43

Seungcheol got worse before he got better.

He was convinced that it was bad karma for what he'd done to his ex-fiancee and although I don't really believe in that sort of thing, I had to agree that it felt like a punishment for what he'd done. After all, he'd done her wrong on more than one occasion, promised that he'd stop, then went right back to it straight away. He justified it by saying that they didn't really love each other - although I'm not sure how that could have been the case, seeing as they were dating for around a year by the time they cut things off - and guilted me into doing what he wanted so that at least he wasn't having to call someone else to do the job in my place.

I suppose, though, that if it really was bad karma for what he did, at least his punishment was a harsh one. Not to sound as if it's the only way to create a just world, but his attitude towards their relationship was poor enough to warrant some bad karma. He was in the hospital for three days following his surgery and then was put on bed rest for a further week. In that week, his task was to try to reduce the swelling as much as possible so that he could wear trousers again and then go back to work. It involved holding an ice pack to the swelling for twenty minutes at a time around five or six times a day, and then eventually he was able to comfortably wear clothes again. Thankfully, though, his colleagues found it absolutely hilarious that he'd ended up in the hospital over that, so they spent more time teasing him than anything. He didn't like that all too much but guessed that it was the only option when it was his own fault that he landed in that position.

Admittedly, I did spend a lot of time looking after him during the recovery period. The full time that he had to leave it to heal was six weeks, then he had to go back to the doctor to check if it had healed well enough. And thankfully it had, but that was still six weeks where I ended up pretty much staying at his parents' house with him whilst he recovered. He struggled to shower on his own and found it difficult to complete some regular tasks, like changing his bedsheets and putting on clean boxers. So I helped him with all of that. After all, I felt absolutely awful about everything that had gone down. I felt that it was my fault, more than anything else, so I couldn't bring myself to let him suffer. If I hadn't allowed him to convince me to sleep with him, he probably wouldn't have ended up with the fracture. I could have convinced him to stay with his ex-fiancee when he was sober again, and they could have ended up going ahead with the wedding. They could have ended up trying for another baby in a year or so - once they were settled in their marriage - and then they could have ended up with that litter of children that he so desperately wanted to have. But my actions had stopped that from happening.

In fact, I'd taken it that step further by helping him to contact her so that he could tell her that they were over. And I do regret that immensely. Of course, she seemed okay with it on the phone, perhaps even a bit relieved that she would be able to spend time alone with her parents and would be able to push the memories of their rushed romance away when she got home to an empty house, but that's not the point. The point is that I shouldn't have helped him with that, and they shouldn't have decided to break up so soon after the baby's passing. There's too much emotion in that, and not good emotion either. They could have taken a step back and thought about what they were doing, but they didn't have the chance to do that because they rushed into a decision and broke up whilst there was that physical gap to distance themselves away from the situation that little bit more.

But it was over and done with. There was nothing else I could do when they both agreed that they didn't want anything to do with each other anymore. They were happier with the fact that they weren't together, and so they probably would've ended up breaking up anyway, whether I helped Seungcheol to do it or not. That was what I had to keep in mind when I started feeling bad about the things I'd done to get them to that point. And so, life simply moved on. His ex-fiancee was a forgotten memory and so was the picture-perfect relationship that they had. We never crossed paths with her again, as far as I'm aware, and I do think that she actively avoided going to places we frequented because she knew that there was a chance that she would bump into us and it would be incredibly awkward. In itself, it wouldn't be that bad because at least they would know that they were better off apart, but I won't go into the details for that. It was just a difficult situation to be in, and I think that's all you really need to know about it all.

Anyway, you can probably imagine that things began to heat up between Seungcheol and I again pretty soon after the break-up, seeing as I was essentially living at his parents' house with him so that I could take care of him before and after work. It wasn't at all intentional, but there's something strangely intimate about having someone looking after you like that. Something intimate about having someone you love catering to your every need. He probably didn't need that much care, to be honest, but I was going to treat him well anyway. It was a way to get out of my parents' place for a little while and it gave me some time to bond with Seungcheol's parents too. And they knew that I was taking good care of their son because Seungcheol always looked a lot better rested and more content when I was home, compared to when I was at work. 

I suppose that, if nothing else, it meant that I had a chance of working things out with his mother. When I first turned up at their place with Seungcheol, it was clear that she was expecting me to leave right away. Her eyes bore holes into my head, and I could feel the weight of her stare whenever our eyes made contact. She hadn't forgotten about the fact that I was so against having children and she knew that I helped Seungcheol out of a situation where he was supposed to be having a child, and she wasn't going to let me forget it either. Of course, she tried her hardest to act as if she was just tired and she actually really liked me a lot, but I knew how she really felt. So I tried to tell him that I was going to go home, only for Seungcheol to shake his head in response. "I need you to be here with me," he said, "My parents can't look after me. They both work full-time." So I gave in and he informed his parents that I was going to be staying with them for six or so weeks, and they just had to accept it because he wasn't prepared to back down.

That was how I ended up staying with them. And because I was there all the time, his mother had to get used to me. I did try to make things that little bit easier by cleaning up for her before she got home from work, but I do still think that she was a little bit put off by the fact that I was sharing her son's bed and she knew that there was something still brewing between us.

Not in a sexual way, mind you. He wasn't allowed to have sex whilst he healed. But there was still that spark of electricity between us. Seungcheol would wrap an arm around my waist when we were in the kitchen together, for example. He would always be gentle when he asked me questions, and he would always act as if he was genuinely interested in everything that I had to say, whether it was interesting or not. If our hands touched, there was obvious chemistry between us. Our eyes would meet and we would be like lovesick teenagers. And then there was the odd thing that was a bit more physical. The things that she never saw, but the ones that would trickle into regular life anyway. When we were alone, he would let his lips graze against my neck and shoulders and collarbone. They would sometimes meet with mine too, and I would be left in a daze. It was a beautiful feeling to have his lips against mine. It made me exceptionally happy, especially since he would always make it seem as if we'd never been apart. I liked that a lot.

In addition, we would cuddle up in bed together every night, and I suppose that that can come across as more intimate than necessary to a parent. It was made even worse by a number of different factors. For starters, I would help Seungcheol to make sure that he was completely clean around his surgery site because he was always too awkward to wash properly. He was overly delicate, even when the swelling had gone down significantly, and so I had to take control and make sure that he was properly clean. At least then, he was able to see that it didn't hurt anywhere near as much as he thought it would and he was able to recognise that the stitches weren't made out of glass. They would dissolve eventually, sure, but they weren't just going to melt away as soon as he tried to wash himself.

Then there was the fact that sometimes, we wouldn't even bother putting clothes on for bed. Seungcheol would put something on to protect the healing wounds but other than that, we would be naked. It was a lot more comfortable that way, after all. We knew each other well enough to not be uncomfortable with sleeping together like that. _Then_ there was the fact that Seungcheol had only started asking them to knock since he had moved back in for that period of time. Before that, knocking wasn't a big deal in their family. They would just walk into rooms without bothering. But Seungcheol was insistent on it when I was living with them. He told them that there was always a chance that I would be getting dressed or something, and so they needed to respect my privacy more. That we could be in a position that seemed compromising but was actually nice and innocent so we needed a few seconds to adjust ourselves. He told them that it was a basic mark of respect and that was why he needed them to realise how important knocking was.

As you can imagine, the knocking rule came in handy more when Seungcheol was healed. That was when it really started heating up between us; when Seungcheol was fully healed and ready to go. I continued to stay at their house for a few days in case Seungcheol was getting any adverse symptoms that came alongside going back to work after surgery - for example, the stress stopping the wounds from healing fully or a strain on the tissue - but naturally, he wanted to make use of the fact that he'd made it through the danger zone. He wanted to make use of the fact that he was free and fully functional again, and so things _did_ did want him to take me to the bedroom and it wasn't because of what he said. He hadn't manipulated my decisions at all, and I actually really wanted to be able to share the experience with him. So we ended up sharing that experience with each other. Whenever I wasn't in work, we would be in bed together. We were like animals in heat, except a lot slower. Seungcheol claimed that it was the scent of my body turning him on when we were within close range of each other, but we knew that it was more than that. To say that it was my scent that made him want me was to make it too raw; too animalistic. It was much more simple than that. We wanted each other again.

It was confirmed a few days later, after I'd moved out of his parents' place again. I might as well have not bothered to leave. I was still going around to their place every night to sleep with their son. On that particular night, Seungcheol was a lot clingier than he had been. He tried his hardest to convince me to stay for the night, claiming that he could always take me to work in the morning to make sure that I didn't feel lonely on the way there, but I insisted to him that I had to leave. By that point, we'd already spent five hours together at his place, so I tried to convince myself that it was fine to leave. He simply had to deal with the fact that I couldn't be with him all day every day.

But then he flashed me puppy eyes. He looked incredibly upset by the fact that I was telling him that I had to leave, even though he told me that it was fine and he'd see me the following day after work. And my heart was left aching right away. I could see how much he wanted me to be there and I couldn't help myself. I tried to disguise it with a sigh, but then promptly sat back down on the edge of the bed. "You're a pain in the ass," I told him. Seungcheol tried to tell me that it was fine and I could leave and that he wasn't trying to guilt me into staying, but I simply kissed his lips and crawled back over him. "I can't leave if I'm in the mood. What would your parents say if I walked through the house like this?"

You probably already guessed it. I wasn't really in the mood to sleep with him, but I didn't want him to feel bad about the fact that I had given in to the demand. So we ended up sleeping together again. Just a quick round, mind you, but it was enough for us to be able to push the hard feelings to one side. And when we were done, Seungcheol insisted on cuddling against my shoulder. He inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of sex and bodies, and then positioned his head so that it was tucked up close to my neck. His face was turned so that he could see his hands, which started off running up and down my chest, and then gradually reduced until he was using just a fingertip to trace patterns.

"Jeonghan," he said softly as he moved that fingertip over my skin in slow movements. I could feel a shiver running up my spine as soon as he did it, although I tried my best to hide it with a smile. "I've been thinking about our relationship lately, and I think I miss being your boyfriend more than I can describe with words." The way he said it made it seem as if he was scared of the words; as if he didn't know why he was letting them come to the surface. He didn't want to show his vulnerability to me. In fact, I think that the thing he was scared of the most was the fact that he knew we couldn't be together. Plain and simple; we weren't made to be together because our feelings towards family life didn't fit together well at all. If there were some minor differences, I could understand it, but this was intense. This was a big deal.

"I miss being with you too, but I know it's not going to work out between us. I'm still not ready to have children, especially after everything that has happened over the past year."  
"Well, that's fine. I'm not ready to have children right now either, so it works out okay." I couldn't help but sigh. I knew that he knew that it wasn't like that. I knew that he knew exactly what I meant.  
"Seungcheol, I'm fairly certain that the reason why you're not ready to have children is that you just lost one. I'm sorry to put it so plainly like that, but I would be more surprised if you actually wanted to jump straight back into this and have a child right away."

His eyebrows knitted together as he stared at me, trying his hardest to come up with something to say. But it didn't come out, and I could feel his frustration building. So I reached over to stroke his cheek with my thumb and gazed at him lovingly. "You know I love you, Cheol," I breathed. His face softened.  
"You love me or you're _in_ love with me?"  
"Both." Silence fell between us again. I could see that he was struggling to process the information that he'd been given, even though I'd laid it out as plainly as I could manage. I was in love with him. Those feelings weren't going to go away any time soon. I wanted Seungcheol to be my boyfriend but it simply wasn't going to happen so we had to accept our fate.

"Do you love me too?" I whispered, even softer than I'd spoken earlier in the conversation. Seungcheol nodded his head slowly.  
"I know you're not gonna back down over this baby thing but I would be genuinely happy to spend the rest of my life with you. I'd give you anything, Yoon Jeonghan. We'd live by your rules. I'd give you absolutely anything that you could possibly want, and you'd never have to worry about anything again." And then he kissed me. This time, with a lot more passion than he had done throughout our affair. I could feel that he was telling the truth, and that hurt a lot more than I thought it would. I could feel that he genuinely wanted me back and he was okay with dropping the thought of having children so that we could have a life together.

Naturally, we ended up going for another round on the spot. This time, though, Seungcheol whispered sweet things into my ear the entire time. He told me how he loved me and how he imagined us getting a little house together on the other side of the country. Or maybe even the other side of the world. Geoje wasn't far enough away for us to be able to live our lives as two new people who were in love with each other, but he figured that it would be a good start if we didn't know any other languages fluently enough. His lips grazed against my ear in a way that left me wanting more and I couldn't help but hold him tightly against my chest as we did what we had to do. It was the most beautiful exchange that I'd ever had in my life, and that was saying something.

Even by the time we were done, I still didn't want to let go of him. I laid there with Seungcheol hovering above me, and I watched as his eyes skimmed over my features. He was taking it all in as if he hadn't seen it for years. As if we had been apart for a long time and he was seeing the face that he'd memorised for the first time in a long time. I broke the stare by pressing a delicate little kiss to his lips, and then he smiled at me when we parted. "I hope you'll consider it," he told me as he brushed a strand of hair away from my face. And I _did_ consider it. In fact, I ended up accepting his offer and becoming his boyfriend again. As stupid as that decision was.

It was a secret, of course. A secret that only we knew. Even Jisoo didn't know anything about it at the start. We couldn't risk it. The last thing we really needed was to absolutely hate being together and break up so soon after we got together, only to have told everyone that we were seeing each other again. It would be a harsh reminder of our time together, and I think it would come across as some more of that bad karma. Not only would it be for Seungcheol but also for me; after all, I'd been encouraging him to do awful things when he was seeing both his ex-girlfriend and ex-fiancee and so I suppose I'd deserve whatever was coming for me too. So our mouths stayed sealed. We met up secretly so that we could go on dates and Seungcheol even paid for things for me. He was earning a much higher wage at his new place, he told me, and so a secure future together was certainly on the horizon, as far as he was concerned.

We even considered getting a house together again. Nothing too big or flashy. Seungcheol told me that he needed a place anyway so it wasn't a huge deal if I didn't want to move in with him, but I told him right away that I wanted to be able to move out of my parents' place. Perhaps it would have been nicer to move slowly again, simply because we hadn't gone slowly the first time, but I didn't really care for that. I just wanted to be his for a while. I wanted to be Choi Seungcheol's boyfriend and I wanted to be able to spend as much time with him as possible.

For a while, we were happy. A month, in fact. The fact that we were back together felt natural to us both, and it really helped us to sort ourselves out. In that time, there was a noticeable difference in the ways in which we interacted with people. Our friends noted that we both looked especially peppy when we spent time with them, and our parents also made sure to point out the difference to us both. They all thought that we'd sorted things out as friends, naturally. That we'd come to peace with the fact that we couldn't possibly date any longer, and so we were able to make things work out for the better between us. But then we were all over each other behind closed doors. We were loving each other in ways that no one else was able to love us, and that was what kept us together for that month.

After that, though, the reality sets in. You know how it is. You just want a normal, loving relationship where everyone is happy with the terms and conditions of your romance, but it doesn't always work out that way. After all, there was still that difference in the things we wanted. There was still that elephant in the room. And it wasn't something that we could drop as easily as we wanted.

Seungcheol still wanted to have children, after all. As much as he might have claimed that he wasn't all that bothered about having them, following the loss of his baby, I knew that it was still his dream to be a father. That sort of dream doesn't just slip away overnight. Plus there was the fact that his parents really wanted to be grandparents too. His mother was still pushing that the biological clock was still ticking and if he really wanted children that badly, he needed to hurry up with it. And sure, _his_ clock was ticking a little bit slower, but most women went through menopause a lot earlier than the point at which his sperm quality would reduce dramatically. And how many women would want to date a much older man, who would be unable to play with their children and would often be mistaken for their grandfather? Not a lot, she said, especially with all of the attractive young celebrities altering girls' perceptions of what could be considered beautiful.

Then there was the matter of marriage. I did warm up to it a little bit more - I'll give him that - but I was still a bit sceptical about it all, seeing as it wasn't actually possible for us to get married. At that point in time, it was merely a title. "Fiance." What did it count for? Nothing at all, actually. There are people who get engaged after being together for a month. At least if we were actually married, it would suggest that we were planning on being together for the rest of our lives. Likewise, there were people who were together for years and didn't even consider getting married, so it seemed to be a bit pointless to me.

Saying that, though, the thought of taking his last name excited me. Sure, it wasn't necessarily a common custom to take a partner's last name in our community - if we did decide to go ahead with it - but I couldn't help but imagine how it would feel to take _his_ last name. Screw trying to keep the nature of our relationship subtle; I wanted to be Mr Choi Jeonghan so that I could let the world know that we were bound to each other. As ridiculous as it sounds, that was the only thing that I really cared about when it came to the prospect of marriage.

Then again, there was always the chance that we'd never get the chance to marry. That it would never be legalised here. And I knew for a fact that Seungcheol wanted to be able to experience a wedding ceremony with someone. I knew that he wanted to be able to see someone walking down the aisle, either in a wedding hall or church, and then he wanted to be able to spend the rest of his life with that person. What sort of man would I be if I trapped him in a relationship where that couldn't happen? A selfish man at the very least and likely a very disrespectful man too, since I already knew what he wanted before we got back together. I knew that these were the sorts of things that he'd been dreaming of for years, so it was only right to call it quits again before things got too deep again.

Of course, we were both upset. Very, very upset. We knew that we both hated the fact that it had to be done but at the same time, we knew why. It was feeding back into the issues that we'd had the first time, and the last thing we really needed was to get to the point where we were miserable but pushing through in an attempt to make a point. Just like the first time, though, there was always a chance in the future. Perhaps when same-sex marriage was legal and I was a bit more mature, our relationship would be absolutely perfect. But until then, we were going to have to be two separate people. That was just the way that it was going to work out best, even though neither of us particularly liked that solution.

After all, we can't like everything that happens to us in life, can we?


	44. Chapter 44

Mr Choi Seungcheol wasn't normal in the slightest, you see, and that was where we had our problems.

If anyone else was in love with someone, they would find a way to be with them. And he claimed that he was in love with me. He claimed that he couldn't possibly love anyone else, and that I was the only person who could claim his heart. And I believed him. I really did. I thought that we were going to end up being in love with each other for the rest of our lives. But then again, he was a liar, as far as I was concerned. Sure, we broke up because I wasn't sure about having children with him still and I wasn't all that fond of the idea of getting engaged, only to never get married. I'll give him that much because it's only fair to give that to him when it's the truth of the situation. But that doesn't mean that he couldn't wait for me. After all of the shit he put me through when I chose Mingyu over him in that brief period where he couldn't decide if he wanted a relationship, it was the least he could do.

But alas, Mr Choi Seungcheol got another girlfriend, just a few days after we broke up. It was his rebound, he said. He still wanted me, but he needed another person to help him to get over his feelings of rejection. It's something that I don't agree with in the slightest. No, I actually find it pretty damn disgusting. This person isn't a toy. They're a real, living, breathing individual who thinks that when an attractive man asks them on a date - and later asks them to be his girlfriend - he actually means it. They don't stop and think, "Well, maybe he's asking me to be his girlfriend so that he can get over the fact that his ex-boyfriend doesn't want to have children with him." If women genuinely just sat around thinking of all of those different possibilities, they would never have a relationship in their life. Every man has baggage of some sort, but it's not something that you should have to consider on your first date. That sort of thing should be left for a serious relationship.

I wouldn't have minded that much if he was doing it to get away from his feelings for me. If he was trying his best to move on so that we would both be able to have healthy relationships in the future. But he wasn't at all. No, he was trying to make it so that we were able to have something on the side. And because I genuinely loved him so much in return, I fell victim to it. My philosophy that I wasn't the one to cheat stayed in the front of my mind as I slept with him behind his girlfriend's back, and then we ended up getting caught again. I'm sure that it was intentional, actually, but I wouldn't dare to bring that up with him. Why else would he ask me to hold onto the stairs - which were right next to the front door - so that he could eat my ass right there and then? A person would only really do that if they were _trying_ to get caught sleeping with someone else behind their partner's back, as far as I'm concerned.

But as I said, I kept my mouth shut. We went through affair after affair; relationship after relationship. Seungcheol found a new girl with beautiful black hair that reached the back of her knees, and he suddenly wanted me to grow my hair out. "Is it so that you can pretend that I'm her in the bedroom?" I asked when he made that request. He shook his head. "Is it so that you can pretend that she's me?" I asked, somewhat bitterly. Again, he shook his head, then leant in close to my ear so that he could tell me what the real reason was.  
"I want something to pull when I fuck you from behind. I think it'd be really sexy if I could hear you moaning properly for me." It went straight through me and suddenly, I was growing my hair. It got long pretty quickly when I was using a shampoo that was recommended by the girls at work, and so when it was shoulder-length, he began pulling it during sex. And as much as I felt disgusted in myself for letting him change something about me like that when we weren't even together, I couldn't even help myself.

What made it worse was when his girlfriend caught us - again, in a way that I thought was conveniently staged. She came into the bedroom to find me riding him erratically, trying my hardest to bring us both to our peak. Of course, she flipped right away and started asking who "she" was as she threw her phone across the room at him. Then I made the mistake of turning my head towards her and the anger grew right away. She realised that I wasn't a girl at all and that he was actually sleeping with another man behind her back, and that suddenly made things worse. She looked as if she was about to kill us both on the spot and I ended up having to lock myself inside the bathroom for a few hours until I was absolutely certain that she was gone. Seungcheol ended up having to make that one up to me, especially since he'd told me that they weren't in a serious relationship at that point in time so she "wouldn't have even minded if she did walk in on us together."

And so the theme continued. He dated a girl who found him with his fingers inside of me in the new car that he'd bought. We were parked on the front drive where _anyone_ could have seen us. Another suspected set-up. He dated a girl who was taking her master's degree - an absolutely stunning young woman whose tears fell just as beautifully down her cheeks when she caught him feeling me up in the kitchen one day when we were all in his house. He claimed that it was a joke but she was incredibly upset about it. It wasn't even like he was being subtle about it and she'd watched him rubbing against me for a good few minutes, so he couldn't really deny it. Then he moved on to a girl who was working in an office. She had an affair with her colleague and he told her that it was fine and he forgave her, only for her to walk in on him on top of me a few weeks later. The theme continued every time he got into a relationship with someone else, and it made me feel dreadful about myself.

I didn't want to be that guy who was constantly caught having affairs with my ex-boyfriend but I couldn't help myself - or so I thought back then. I wanted to be a part of his life, and I wanted to be his boyfriend so desperately that I didn't care what we were doing. I didn't care that it was severely affecting my mental health and making me feel absolutely awful about every waking moment of my life. I felt sick every time we went out together, and my stomach dropped every time he told me that he was seeing someone new.

The thing was, though, I don't even think that he was happy in any of those relationships. I genuinely think that what he was actually doing was getting into those relationships so that neither of us felt as if we were edging too close to being in a relationship with each other. If we thought that we were getting there, there was a greater chance of us simply cutting things off again, and so this was his desperate attempt at avoiding that fate. It felt to him like we were drifting apart if we weren't sleeping together behind someone's back. It was as if that was the only thing that was keeping us going; as if we couldn't have something functional unless another person got hurt through it. And that realisation was what crushed me. He was so scared to lose me that he was doing something that could have been considered incredibly _abnormal_ , and it didn't even seem as if he noticed what he was doing either. It was just something that happened and he had no explanation for it, other than the fact that he really wanted to sleep with someone who "just wasn't his girlfriend."

But I couldn't live my life like that. I really couldn't. The thought of spending the rest of my life having affair after affair with Seungcheol was something that absolutely crushed my heart. Of course, I really wanted to be with him, more than I could even begin to explain with words, but there's always a limit on that sort of thing. And when you're constantly miserable and wondering when the next time you'll be caught by someone's girlfriend is, that's where I'd like to draw the line. So I began desperately searching for a boyfriend of my own. I took to every dating site possible and spent all of my spare time going on dates without even bothering to inform Seungcheol that I was doing that. If he asked what I was doing at a certain time, I was busy. No explanation at all; I just simply couldn't go to his place to spend time with him. But that didn't mean that I didn't keep the affairs up whilst I had the chance to do so. It reduced the suspicion and made it easier for me to spring it on him later on down the line.

Saying that, though, I thought it would be a lot more satisfying than it actually was. You know how it is. You have these huge plans for telling someone something and you even have their reactions planned out, but it never goes like that. I went in there expecting Seungcheol to be incredibly upset about the fact that I finally had a boyfriend and I wasn't going to be putting up with the insistent affairs any longer, but he was actually happy for me, or so he said. He was smiling with his eyes so I had no reason to think that he was lying, and that crushed me even more. I didn't know what to do with myself, honestly. I'd gone in there to tell him that I was planning on cutting things off with him, only for him to turn around and act as if it was for the best in the first place. And at that point in time, I figured that he meant more to me than I meant to him. It suggested that I was just someone for him to sleep with, and that hurt more than the affairs themselves.

So I made a special effort with that boyfriend. I made sure to rush things as much as possible whilst still making sure to keep the natural flow of the relationship. With most people, I would want to wait for at least three months to have a proper first kiss. I don't like to rush that step because every other boundary drops as soon as you let them have that first kiss. But with that boy, I let him kiss me for the first time after three weeks. It was incredibly uncomfortable, but it happened and we made it through and that was the most important part. Then he told me that he loved me after two months. I couldn't really say that I felt those same feelings at that point in time but he was always good to me, so I felt obliged to return it. After all, it would have been a different story if I felt absolutely nothing towards him but it just happened to be the case that those feelings were stronger for someone else and that was why I was struggling to be genuine about those feelings.

We ended up sleeping together for the first time shortly afterwards and whilst he didn't make me finish how Seungcheol did, he was passionate so I had to give him some bonus points. He went down on me every time we slept together and he always made sure to bring an element of aftercare into it. Whether that was making me a hot drink so that we could sit together and relax, or proper cuddling so that we were able to come down from a particularly rough session; he always made sure that I was one hundred percent okay before we went to bed, and I have to say that I really appreciated that. I don't think I've ever had that sort of experience with another person in my life, even the better lovers, and it made a huge difference in our relationship. In fact, I really do think that that was the real reason why I ended up falling for him in the end. Attraction to someone can stay as such, but it takes moves like that to make you fall for someone when you already have feelings for someone else and you're stubborn about capping it at one person.

As you can imagine, though, Seungcheol's positive feelings towards me being in a relationship quickly started to fade. When it got to the point where we were hardly seeing each other without either my boyfriend or his girlfriend being there, it was obvious that he was getting a little bit irritable. But he didn't want to give in and admit that he didn't want me to be seeing someone else. After all, what would he say? He was the one who was encouraging us to have an affair, rather than waiting for me to become comfortable with the idea of having children with him, and so it was his own fault that I ended up with someone else. And just because he didn't love his girlfriends enough to want to be with them exclusively didn't mean that I felt the same way. As I've said before, my morals said nothing about me sleeping with Seungcheol when he was in a relationship with someone else, but it was a completely different story when I was seeing someone. I was committed and I wasn't prepared to have someone else on the side.

Seungcheol's irritation started to get the better of him after a couple of months, even though he tried his hardest to hide it and act as if it wasn't a big deal. What started out with him telling me that he was happy for me and he was just going through a rough patch at work eventually turned into him asking if we could try again. He said that we could take it slow - that we could start out by sending each other explicit photos or something, then eventually getting back together - but I informed him right away that I wasn't going to do that when I had a boyfriend. He pretended to take it well, of course, but it was clear that he wasn't happy. That was obvious from his face as soon as I said it. His eyebrows knitted together for a fraction of a second and I could see the hurt in his eyes, but then it switched a smile as he told me that he understood and he was sorry for trying to get in the way of my relationship with someone else.

At that point, he turned into a child right off the bat, and that was probably one of the reasons why I decided that I didn't want to have children with him. As much as he said that he wasn't throwing a tantrum, he clearly was. He didn't want to spend time together anymore, and he didn't want to talk when I went to visit his place. He got defensive if I mentioned my boyfriend or his girlfriend and every time it was unavoidable for us to discuss them, his answers became shorter and shorter until he was simply giving hums in response to my questions.

I didn't know what to make of it. It was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever seen a grown man do. I couldn't believe that he was throwing his toys out of the pram because I said that I wasn't going to cheat on my boyfriend with him and that I wasn't going to drop everything to be his boyfriend again. I couldn't tell whether he genuinely thought that it would get me back or whether it was something that he thought I wouldn't notice but either way, it was the sort of thing that made me happy that we weren't dating. Imagine if I'd told him that I wasn't going to do something if we married - I don't think I would be able to handle it if he had a tantrum like that when I was dating him. I would have probably died of humiliation on the spot, and I would have had to have a long chat with him about conduct. As it was, though, it wasn't my place to call him out over that sort of thing, so I simply watched from the sidelines as he made an absolute fool out of himself.

But it only got to be more and more extreme as time went on. He went from throwing a tantrum that wasn't all that obvious to people who didn't know about our situation to straight-up telling his girlfriend that he was in love with me whilst the four of us were out together. It was probably the most uncomfortable situation of my entire life. He was very clearly drunk because he'd been at the bar taking shots whilst he was waiting for all of our drinks to be made up, but he denied that fact when he came over to the table. And then he sat down in silence for a while until his girlfriend asked what was on his mind. At that point, he turned towards her and told her how he felt without even a second of hesitation. "Oh, I'm just thinking about how in love with Jeonghan I am. You know, we used to date and now he says that we're best friends with each other but all I want is for him to want a family with me. Is that too much to ask?"

My boyfriend looked at me in silence, as if he was questioning whether it was true or not. I'd failed to mention that Seungcheol and I had dated in the past, and so that little fact made things that little bit more awkward. Now, I'm sure that he trusted me but there's something inherently difficult to handle when you know that your boyfriend has been spending an exceptional amount of time with his ex-boyfriend, who still has feelings for him, and yet they've been without either yourself or his girlfriend in the same building. As much as he could trust me with that sort of thing, the thoughts still come to mind. Everyone knows someone who would drop their morals as soon as someone showed signs of being interested in them. Take my ex-boyfriend from when I was in my late teens, for example. A boy was in love with him so he slept with him behind my back, even though he didn't share those feelings. These things happen in life and whilst it's certainly not great, it's something you just have to deal with when it comes to you.

I made sure to clarify it with him, though, just to be sure. "I swear that nothing's happened between Seungcheol and I since we've been together," I told him as quietly as possible, in hopes that Seungcheol wouldn't overhear us. Naturally, he _had_ was going back to how it used to be. Perhaps that was the true representation of Choi Seungcheol and he'd simply been putting on an act since we started seeing each other. Perhaps I fell in love with a misrepresentation of his person.

So I ended up doing the last thing that I should have ever done. I waited for him to give his apology to me, which happened as soon as he was sober and his girlfriend had told him what had happened whilst he was drunk, and then I told him exactly what I thought of him. I told him that I thought he was a manipulative person who didn't even care for my wellbeing and that I wished I had the chance to avoid him for the rest of my life. I told him that I wanted to stop being in love with him because I'd realised that he was a genuinely nasty person, and that I'd found that he was exactly like how he was prior to our first date. Then I waited for his reply. It took an incredible amount of time, but the response that came was absolutely worth it. Seungcheol was as mortified as I was, and he tried his best to make it up to me right away:

"I can't even begin to describe how sorry I am for my behaviour over the past few weeks. I'm going to give you a reason but in no way is this an excuse. After everything that I've done to you, I can't give excuses. Nothing I've done can be excused. Now, whilst it's absolutely true that I'm in love with you and that if you suddenly came to me one day and told me that you wanted to marry me and have children together, I would drop everything, this wasn't something that I should have said out loud in front of Jinyong and Shinhye. Not only was it incredibly disrespectful, but it's also the sort of thing that could have left you single. I don't know Jinyong well enough to know whether he'd easily upset over these sorts of things and I know that Shinhye doesn't appreciate it either, so I'm sorry about that.

"As a result, I'm breaking up with her and letting her find someone who won't a) be an embarrassment in public like that and b) won't announce that he'll drop her if he finds out that his ex-boyfriend wants to have children together. I sincerely hope that nothing like that happens in your relationship, though, because it's not your fault at all. It's mine. Now, on to the fact that you think I'm a manipulative person: it wasn't my intention to be like that, even though I was upset. Saying that, though, I can't deny that I was like that because I do think that sometimes I can let that side show. Everyone has those feelings but most people have the ability to control and regulate them. I, on the other hand, clearly need to get better at doing that because I've made a mess of everything as a result of not mastering this skill.

"I genuinely hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me and let me make it up to you but if not, I have absolutely no hard feelings towards you. I love you, Jeonghan. Please don't forget that, even if we never speak again."

I bet you can imagine what happened next, can't you? I broke up with my boyfriend, since I didn't think that it was fair for him to feel anxious when I had to meet Seungcheol to discuss the fate of our relationship. Then I went into our meeting, assuming that I would be the most assured person in the room, only to find that he'd already come up with a speech about how he wasn't planning on having another relationship unless I specifically told him to move on and find someone else. I was still the only one he wanted and he wasn't going to accept rebounds anymore.

And so, I ended up falling in love with Choi Seungcheol yet again.


	45. Chapter 45

My stubborn attitude to our relationship was certainly the way forward for Seungcheol and I. Once I'd told him how it was going to be and that I wasn't going to take any rubbish from him, he completely changed. It was as if he was waiting for me to tell him that I wasn't having any more of it so that he could do a complete one-eighty and turn into the sort of man who I would be proud to marry in the future. He became the man who anyone would have wanted, and I appreciated that a lot.

It was to be expected, though. Seungcheol wanted a normal life as much as I did, even if he didn't agree that normality was sexy. He wanted to have a functional relationship with a person who he loved dearly, and he wanted to be able to make something good of himself. He wanted to be that man who made his parents proud; a family man with a well-paying job that made him happy, a happy marriage where neither party had straying eyes or wandering fingers, and as many children as they could possibly want. In that realm, there's no space for cheaters. There's no space for him to pull dickish moves when out with his ex-boyfriend and current girlfriend, and there's no space for him to get black-out drunk and cause a huge scene. So he had to change. If he didn't, the world would simply leave him behind, and Choi Seungcheol didn't want to be that man who was left behind.

Admittedly, I did end up caving and spending a few weeks with him. I know I've said over and over again that I wasn't going to be with him anymore - that I was sick of his antics and couldn't bear to be in a relationship with him again - but I wanted to be close to him again once he'd sorted himself out. Not in a proper relationship, as I've already suggested, but in a way that was close enough to being one that it could have been mistaken pretty easily. It was the sort of relationship where he took me out on dates every single day - sometimes just a quick coffee during his lunch break if I wasn't working, but sometimes long walks through the park and feeding the birds in the river - and then we ended up going back to his place together. But even that was nice. It wasn't centred around sex at all. In fact, we spent more time with me sitting on his lap and him cuddling me than we did in any other position. He made a point of kissing me periodically - either on the shoulder, cheek or lips - and then he would give a tight little squeeze to show me that he was still there. Those little touches made my heart melt, and they almost made me forget how horrible he had been to me whilst I was with my ex-boyfriend. _Almost._

Those sorts of things did still leave me on guard. I didn't know what to make of them. After all, you can be in love with someone but acknowledge that they're a terrible person, and I knew that I should have felt that way about Seungcheol. Of course, he wasn't quite a _terrible_ person, as such, but he certainly wasn't the sort of man that I could have lived with for the rest of my life. Our issues were gradually getting to be deeper and deeper and what we had wasn't healthy. When I was with him, I would drop all of my morals and do absolutely anything that he could ask of me. I would help him to cheat, I would make sure that he was at the forefront of my mind at any time - even to the point where my own well-being was compromised - and I helped him to hide things from his parents and friends, too. And it shouldn't have been like that. It was consuming and made me feel as if I was constantly drowning. What we had was toxic and we needed to be away from each other, for both my sake and his. Yet, we found that we couldn't be apart. Our feelings for each other were just as consuming as the awful things that we did together, and that was what hurt the most.

But I supposed that at least he was trying to change. We both knew that the affair couldn't go on forever. So he was having to choose what meant the most to him. Was he so desperate to have children that he would drop what we had and start a family with someone else? Or was he so desperate for my love and attention that suddenly, the thought of having a family with someone else wasn't anywhere near as appealing as he once thought it to be? I wasn't sure at all, but I anticipated that we would find out soon enough. I waited for his decision to come, patiently considering all of my options and trying my hardest to keep myself composed the entire time, but time passed and he showed no signs of coming to a decision. I waited longer, watching as he treated me to anything that I could possibly want without committing to a relationship with me again. I watched as he seemed to fall for me once again, but without any claim to the love that we shared. Those words didn't leave his lips once whilst we did what we did.

And then it eventually came out with no warning whatsoever. We were sat on the sofa together and he told me that he loved me but was scared that we weren't going to work out. As with the period between his fiancee and his third girlfriend, he was trying to cling to every moment that we shared. He was worried that I was going to end up getting another boyfriend soon enough, so he was waiting it out for that day so that he could enjoy as much as my love as possible. He knew how I felt about our relationship, he said. He knew that I wasn't going to want him to be my boyfriend again, and that was why he was holding back. For the moment, his plan was to make sure that I was happy with someone, and then he would wait in the sidelines for the day that I decided I was happy to have children and that I could only ever have them with him. That was what the conditions of our relationship seemed to be, after all, so it was the only thing that seemed to make sense in his head.

I pointed out, though, that it wasn't as intense as he was making it out to be. It could be the other way around if that was how it worked out. If Seungcheol genuinely decided that he didn't care for children and I _genuinely_ believed that he thought that, then I would probably start taking things slowly with him again. But I wasn't convinced when he tried to tell me that, and I was certain that he wasn't convinced either. _That_ was why we couldn't be together. I simply wasn't prepared to make him put his happiness on hold for me when I couldn't do the same for him. So I told him that. Once it was out there in the open, though, I made sure to change the topic as quickly as possible. I wasn't in the mood for that sort of argument to come up again - not so soon after we'd come into the clear again. It wasn't the right day to be discussing it. So I began talking about the fact that he could easily just take a girlfriend and devote his life to her and if he was so set on his future being with me and me alone, I would let him know if I wanted to have a family with him and we could work it out from there.

He wasn't happy with the response to start with. He told me that he was only going to commit to me - it was what he'd told me just weeks before when he was trying to apologise for his behaviour at the bar, and he meant exactly what he said. But I pointed out that I was absolutely serious and that he wasn't going to be able to live the rest of his life without another relationship with any other person, considering how much he craved physical affection from me as it was. And he _knew_ without me even having to tell him that to take that sort of affection from me was to convince himself that we could work out again, so it was something that we needed to avoid. It was something that he needed from someone else, at least for a while. So I recommended that he take the time and sort things out in his head, and that would likely mean that if we _did_ end up being together again, our relationship would be healthy again. After all, the last thing you really want to do is start back in a relationship with someone who you can't have a healthy relationship with in the first place, only to find that the love you have for each other is cheap and rotten. The last thing you want to do is take the time to hold onto your feelings for someone, only to have to throw it away because your obsession with each other isn't worth your time at all.

Seungcheol only ended up considering my suggestion when I laid it out to him like that, actually. Only when I told him that our relationship with each other was incredibly unhealthy and we weren't going to have a future together at that rate. In fact, we were more likely to stop speaking altogether, and that would make for uncomfortable memories. I knew that I didn't want my final memories of Choi Seungcheol to be sour, especially after everything that we'd gone through together, and I'm sure that he didn't want that to happen either. So this was our only option. He was to find someone else and give them his time. He was to be devoted to them and form a proper relationship with them, and that would be the basis for everything else. He could either stay with them for as long as their relationship lasted, or he would come back to me if I decided that I wanted what he wanted. It was the closest to a compromise that we could come to and whilst I didn't really like the fact that we were having to come to a compromise for something that I didn't believe deserved one, I suppose that our adult relationship meant a lot more to us than a person who didn't even exist just yet - or perhaps, people who would never exist at all.

So he _did_ end up getting another girlfriend - a nurse who he went to school with back when they were sixteen - but he approached it from a completely new angle. They didn't jump into it as quickly as he had done with every other girl. There was no big announcement call. There wasn't even a dramatic shift in his personality as soon as he started seeing her. And before they properly started dating, he asked if I could meet her with him. He gave absolutely no context at all, which worried me a bit, but then it became apparent as soon as I made my way to his place and he instructed me to sit next to him. His soon-to-be girlfriend was already there and she was sat nervously on the other chair, watching us in silence, and so Seungcheol made a special effort to take my hand in his own as his eyes met hers.

"Now, I'm about to tell you something that might be a deal-breaker for you," he said as he continued to stroke my hand. "But I just want you to know that there's no other way that I can do this. To cut a long story short, the reason why I've not been able to maintain a relationship for long is that I end up sabotaging things when it gets serious. I end up sleeping with my ex-boyfriend, Jeonghan because I don't know how to handle commitment. We've determined that we're not getting back together, since our feelings towards important matters differ so greatly that it would never work out. I've already checked that you and I share the same feelings towards those things, though, so it's something that we can enjoy as a couple. But..." Then he stopped for a moment. He bit down on his lower lip and stared at her, as if he was trying to figure out what he could possibly say to finish off his speech, but the words didn't come out. Instead, she jumped in to speak in his place. That surprised me a lot, especially considering that she was so calm as she spoke.

"You want to know whether you're okay to sleep with him on the side?" she asked softly. And Seungcheol nodded. My heart jumped into my throat right away and I expected that he'd completely sabotaged his relationship from the start, but the slight smile that touched her lips suggested otherwise. "I guessed as much from the way that you said it. You know, I think that it would be unfair to deny you that until we properly commit to something together. Maybe if we choose to get married or start a family in the future, things will change, but we'll get to that when it happens. For now, I'm not bothered if you're sleeping together, so long as you're using protection every time." There were some limitations too, she added, but that was the sort of thing that they could discuss properly when they were alone. It wasn't something that she wanted to drag me into when I hadn't even known what Seungcheol had taken me there to discuss.

It was an absolutely bizarre situation but I guessed at least Seungcheol had come up with an idea that worked for all parties. At least he'd come up with something that allowed him to see me - should we decide that we wanted to do that - without either of us feeling massively guilty about it. At least she could come home and find us in bed together and she wouldn't get upset about it. In fact, she told us that she was more likely to admire how well Seungcheol was doing instead. That made me a bit nervous until she insisted that it was completely fine and she wasn't the jealous sort. In fact, she even encouraged him to kiss me there and then, just so that she could prove to me that she wasn't going to get uncomfortable with it.

So Seungcheol kissed me. And not in the usual way that a person would kiss someone else in front of their existing partner. No, he went all the way with it. He touched my cheek with his fingertips then leant in slowly so that he could press our lips together. For the first few seconds, his lips grazed gently against mine. It left a shiver running up my spine. Then he tilted his head slightly to one side as he dipped in further and crushed our mouths together with force. I could feel him trying to coax me towards him and I gave in to the bait, and then his tongue slipped out towards mine. At that point, I had to fight to suppress a little grunt that was threatening to surface, especially as Seungcheol tried to invite me back into his mouth so that he could give a little nip to the tip of my tongue.

Then he moved back again and my eyes immediately darted over to the girl he'd been seeing. Her expression was strangely neutral, with the slightest of smiles touching her lips, and I felt my stomach lurch right away. It was embarrassing enough to have kissed the man she was seeing right in front of her, but it was arguably even worse to see her looking okay with it. There wasn't the slightest hint of irritation in the way she looked at me, and that was what left me more embarrassed than anything. In fact, she simply adjusted herself in her seat and gazed into my eyes as she told me that she wasn't bothered by it at all. In fact, it was nice to be able to see what Seungcheol looked like when he was kissing someone. She pointed out that she could see the passion between us and that it was obvious that there was something between us - not necessarily a romantic something, but a something nonetheless - and that was something that she found to be refreshing. After all, the lack of passion was obvious between couples in films, even though the producers would try their hardest to find people with chemistry.

After that, we spent a few hours chatting about various different things before Seungcheol announced that it was time for him to get some work done. There were a few things that he needed to do around the house and a few things he needed to go out and get, and so he guessed that it was the perfect time to do all of that. So we were to do our own things too, since he wasn't really in the mood to rush someone around the place without letting them have the chance to enjoy the errands that they were running together. It was our sign that it was time to leave, which meant grabbing our belongings and being seen to the door once he'd covered the kitchen side in his cleaning supplies. We both kissed him goodbye, then made our way to the end of the street together. "Where about do you live?" she asked. I told her the street and was surprised when her eyes lit up in excitement. "It's around three blocks away from where I live. Would you like to walk home together? Maybe we can stop for coffee on the way there."

I wasn't going to reject her suggestion after I'd bulldozed my way into her life. I don't think that either of us was expecting Seungcheol's approach to his issue, so it was the perfect time to sort things out between us. After all, I didn't know anything about her and she didn't know anything about me, and people tend to want to know a little bit of information about their partner's other partners. How else would you be able to be truly comfortable with them being around? You can hardly spend your time trying to skirt around the edges to find out the odd detail here and there - like the colours that they liked to wear and the odd whisper about their family life - so this was our chance to make things good between us. We shared a little bit of small talk on the way to the coffee shop, then she made a show of pointing it out to me as soon as we were close enough to the place that it made sense for her to do so. We went in, made our orders, then found a seat together.

"How long have you known Seungcheol, then?" she asked me as soon as we were seated. It was going to be the sort of conversation that wouldn't pass the Bechdel test, I guessed right away, and it turned out that I was absolutely right. Whilst some of the questions were about our personal lives - such as the sorts of things that we liked to do in our spare time - a lot of them were about our experiences with Seungcheol. And whilst I'm hardly complaining about it all because it meant that we were able to get to know each other properly as time went on, it felt a little bit intense at times. As if we were forcing ourselves into that situation because we both wanted the same man. Never in my life have I wanted to feel as if I was in that sort of situation, and never in my life have I genuinely enjoyed the thought that I _could_ experience that with another person. After all, I've spent time with Seungcheol's girlfriends in the past and we've all become friends who didn't need to have Seungcheol at the forefront of our minds constantly.

I suppose I shouldn't complain, though. She was a nice enough girl. She told me that she liked him when they were in school together, but she wouldn't have dared to ask him on a date. It was something that she kept with her as she grew up and then they just happened to meet again - as if by fate - and that was when he invited her to dinner with him. I could tell that she still liked him a lot from the way that she said it, which genuinely made me feel a lot guiltier than I needed to be. After all, she said that she was okay with the fact that Seungcheol and I were seeing each other still, so I shouldn't have felt nervous about it all. If she says that to both of us and then continues with it when you're alone with her, you can guarantee that things are going to be okay. She wouldn't act as if it was okay to my face if she didn't genuinely think that it was a good idea. She would have told me, and I would have had to find an excuse to cut things off with Seungcheol.

It's not just a generalisation, by the way. She specifically told me that. She was trying her hardest to become more assertive, but it was something that she really struggled with on a daily basis. So if there was something that genuinely made her feel very uncomfortable, she wanted to know whether I would be able to help her out with telling Seungcheol. And because I already felt guilty about the fact that I was still seeing him, even after I'd told myself a million times that I wasn't going back to him, I ended up agreeing.

The conversation moved on again. I got to know a lot more about her; her family life, work, hobbies, friends, and the sorts. She got to know a lot more about me too, even though I had originally wanted to keep things a little bit more hidden so that I didn't need to worry about things being used against me in the future. Mind you, I didn't even end up telling her for so-called tactical reasons. It wasn't to make her tell me more or anything, and my intention wasn't to give her only enough information to make her feel as if we were bonding when the reality of the matter was that I was giving her superficial facts with a lot of detail packed around them to make it seem as if she was actually learning more about me. No, I was genuinely trying my hardest to give her information in return. By the end, I wanted to be her friend and I was pretty damn sure that she wasn't going to be that sort of person who would use what I'd told her against me.

And so, we eventually parted ways and within a few days, our relationship with Seungcheol started with a bang.

Now, I'll admit that I didn't know what to make of it to start with. There's something inherently scary about being caught in the act with someone, even if you've established that it's completely fine. You might have already given some warning too - just as Seungcheol had done when she texted him to ask if she could go to his place - but that doesn't mean that it feels any better. You're left feeling incredibly anxious about everything, and you end up with your heart in your throat when you finally spot the other person. You want to hide somewhere so that they can't see your naked body, and you have an underlying feeling that they're going to walk in and start yelling about how the man on top of you is a cheat and how he's disrespecting them for bringing another person home when he's already in a relationship with them.

But when she got to the house, she simply came up to the bedroom and made eye contact with me for a fraction of a second before giving a sweet little smile. She made her way over to Seungcheol's drawers without saying a word, then took out a towel and took off her clothes when she was just out of view. It had been raining so she was wet, but it wasn't quite the wet that allowed her to get changed into other clothes right away. No, it's the sticky sort of wet. The sort that leaves your skin feeling slick for hours after you come inside. So she simply wrapped the towel around her body and made her way into the bathroom, where she took a long shower. Seungcheol continued what he was doing without commenting on it to start with, but then he noticed the fact that I looked anxious and offered up a little smile. "Don't worry about it," he whispered softly into my ear. "See, she's absolutely fine with it. She told you that she would be fine with it." Even so, it felt pretty wrong to be doing that sort of thing when she said that she was coming over. I chose not to tell him that, but it loomed in the back of my mind the entire time.

Saying that, I _did_ end up getting used to it as time went on. I didn't think that I was ever going to get used to her walking in to see us all over each other, but it happened a few times and there was no issue with it at all. In fact, sometimes she even sat on the edge of the bed and watched us intently. It was as if she'd never seen two men getting intimate in her life. I suppose that with the lack of media focus on homosexuality, she probably hadn't seen a lot of it in her time, granted, but she watched with so much interest that it was almost as if she hadn't even _considered_ that two men might want to be with each other. So I ended up settling into the arrangement. I let it happen and didn't try to go against what was happening, and Seungcheol seemed to be a lot happier knowing that we were both a lot more relaxed in that sort of situation.

Of course, though, it wasn't going to be completely smooth all the time. There were times where we broke the rules. Even though she'd asked that we wear protection, there were times where she was out of the city and couldn't walk in on us, and on those occasions, Seungcheol didn't use protection with me. In particular, when it came to oral engagements. Considering that his mouth would later be touching regions that were more sensitive to bacteria, it wasn't really a great idea, but I wasn't prepared to complain. Likewise, we weren't really supposed to go on proper dates where we ended up staying together overnight. We were allowed to do either one independently but seeing as it seemed way too much like a romantic date if we did both together, it was something that his girlfriend didn't like. But that didn't mean that it didn't happen. Seungcheol bought me a loose blouse-like shirt and fitted trousers for a date whilst she was staying with her parents, then he took me out to get sushi with him. We finished it with a walk through a park when it was all dark, then we took the subway home and curled up in bed together so that we could chat about life together. It was way too romantic for something that was supposed to be between two men who were simply lovers but as long as she didn't find out, we were absolutely fine.

I do think that out of all of the relationships that Seungcheol had, that was my favourite one. Not because I got to see him on the side, but because we were less anxious and a lot more comfortable with showing affection to each other. We were able to kiss each other on the lips and hold each other tightly and if she caught us doing that, it wasn't a huge deal. In fact, she sometimes encouraged it by telling Seungcheol that I looked as if I needed to be kissed or by greeting me at the door with a comment about how Seungcheol needed "Jeonghan cuddles" and they "couldn't come from anyone else."

It did make me worry about how long we would be able to keep that sort of thing up and whether it was going to end with her telling us that she thought we would be a better couple if she wasn't around, but for now, it was working out just fine. For now, she was sure that she wanted to be with Seungcheol on a long-term basis and I was sure that I just wanted to have him close whilst I was trying to figure out whether I was able to have a future with him or not.

For now, we were in the clear again. I wasn't sure how long it would last, but I hoped more than anything that things would work out for the best once we'd managed to secure a relationship that actually worked in our favour.


	46. Chapter 46

As much as both Seungcheol and his girlfriend told me that they weren't planning on rushing their relationship, it turned out to be a huge lie. The biggest lie around, actually. And it absolutely crushed my heart.

They were only together for three months before they decided that they liked their relationship enough to get engaged. The only relief was that it wasn't Seungcheol's idea, so I didn't even need to worry about the thought that he was moving on from me too quickly. At least that way, it was something that I could make peace with over time. She had suggested it and then he agreed to marry her right there and then. He got her a ring and they booked for an engagement photo shoot, and then they told me when I was next visiting their house. "Do you notice anything different?" his then-fiancee asked as she held up her hand to show me the ring. I tried to pretend that I was happy for them - that I was glad to see that they were settling down - but Seungcheol could tell that it was far from the case. I didn't need to tell him that much.

He took me through to the bedroom so that we could have a chat about it. He said to his fiancee that he was just having a chat with me about something that they'd already discussed mentioning, which made me a bit suspicious, but I followed him nonetheless. Then he sat me down and took a seat next to me before looking into my eyes for a few seconds. "Jeonghan," he said softly as he ran a hand through my hair. "Are you unhappy with the fact that I'm getting married to someone else? If it makes you uncomfortable, I can suggest to her that we hold the wedding off for a while." It was a pointless suggestion. What was I supposed to do with that, other than feel guilty about the fact that I was feeling incredibly jealous? I didn't want him to be in a relationship with someone else in the first place, nevermind wanting him to get married to a woman when I still had feelings for him. It felt rude because I was certain that he knew how I felt towards him, but it felt even ruder for me to show off that I was unhappy.

"I just thought that you were going to take it slow is all," I told him. "I thought that maybe we were going to have the chance to get back together in the future. But it's okay. I'm being a little bit forward and I understand that. You shouldn't have to worry about me getting in the way of things anymore. I'll back off from now on." It seemed to be a little bit dramatic, but Seungcheol simply offered an apologetic smile, rather than a sigh or anything else. I watched as he shuffled his hands around in his lap, as if he didn't know what to do with them, and then his eyes shifted over my features.  
"I actually discussed it with her. She said that it was fine for us to sleep together, so long as we toned it down a bit. She wanted to be able to have a relationship with me without having someone else there all the time, but that doesn't mean that she's going to make us cut things off completely. You know, she's very understanding about our situation..."

He continued to ramble to me about how she was a great woman, but all I could hear was that she'd played us both. The plan was to let Seungcheol sleep with me to start with, so that we were both in a position where we were feeling comfortable with her presence, and then she would gradually faze me out of their relationship. Surely enough, it would mean that by the time they became parents, I would be banned from meeting Seungcheol in the house. She would come up with some sort of excuse about how she didn't want anyone to disturb the peace and how it wasn't a great environment to bring a child up in, so I would have to meet him in public places only. The thought of that made me feel sick. I had expected that she was a great woman who was happy to let her boyfriend have something on the side because she knew that whilst bisexuality doesn't infer unfaithfulness, he did still want to be able to experience both guys and girls whilst he was still young. In reality, she was taking advantage of the situation.

Now, before I continue, I'd like to set things straight. As it turned out, that wasn't her plan at all. Her parents had simply been pressuring her to get married as soon as possible because they were convinced that nurses were less likely to end up getting married. They worked long hours and a lot of them ended up working nights. It meant that it was a bit of a put-off for men who wanted their wives to be there to cook for them and clean up after them. But Seungcheol wasn't the sort of man to turn his wife into his mother. He was the sort of man who would cook and clean and take care of their children, then run her a bath for when she got home from work. So the plan was to keep him so that she had that bit of security and didn't have to worry about the fact that she was seen to be ineligible, as far as her family was concerned. And the deal with cutting me off? She genuinely didn't mind us being together, but she knew that if her parents found out that we were sleeping together, they would throw an absolute tantrum. _That_ was our true situation.

Of course, I didn't know that at the time and Seungcheol didn't tell me that either. Instead, I was left to develop my bitter thoughts and feelings as he tried to explain himself to me. I let them brew in the pit of my stomach as he told me that he wanted me to be his best man - just as I was supposed to be the last time he was planning on getting married - and that he was going to give the big white wedding a second chance. That meant dragging it out longer than the typical Korean wedding, and it also involved me standing at the front of the hall with him whilst he waited for his fiancee to walk down the aisle. He said that we could pretend that we were getting married, just like we were going to do when he first told me that he was going to be getting married to someone, and then the fantasy could drop again for the rest of the ceremony. And since her parents were very traditional, they were planning on simply going out for drinks as the three of us. Me, him and her.

The plan was for us to spend the night enjoying ourselves, then we would go to our separate hotel rooms that he'd book and we'd sleep there. In the morning, the celebrations would continue, but Seungcheol didn't know what those celebrations were going to be just yet. It was something that he was planning on telling me closer to the time. For now, all he could provide was the wedding date and the steps that they were taking before the big day. I was welcome to help out, if I wanted to join in at all, but otherwise, he was happy for me to have the schedule list so that I could plan the times that I wanted to visit him. I simply folded it up without even bothering to look at what was written on it, then crammed it into my pocket. The last thing I wanted to read about was the different things that I should have been doing with him instead, from testing the cakes through to the fittings and the rehearsals. It should have been me there, instead of her.

We went back downstairs after I'd managed to pull myself together again and put on a happy face. I didn't want to disappoint her by making it seem as if I wasn't happy for them. After all, she was nice enough to let us see each other still, and she hadn't even complained that I was always visiting Seungcheol and taking advantage of the fact that he would do anything for me. She didn't try to push me away or tell me that she was sick of me being there, and she was never rude to me. And then there was also the fact that she thought I was over him and he was over me, and so there was no reason why I wouldn't want to see him marrying another person. So I suppressed the horrible feelings that were stirring in my gut and I made my way out there to deliver the good news - that I was going to be Seungcheol's best man and I was going to help out with the wedding as best as possible. I was willing to meet with her maid of honour, and we were going to do what we could to make everything that bit easier for them.

Thankfully, though, the maid of honour wasn't all that happy with the fact that they were getting married either. In fact, she told me that she didn't approve of it right from the start. "She has already been engaged to three men in the past and all of the relationships have broken down before they've made it to the wedding," she told me. "I don't mean to be rude, but I'm basically recycling the same plans for her. Helping her to plan the same meals as last time. Getting in contact with the same florist and the same tailor to get her the same sorts of dresses and flowers. Helping her to plan the same hen night. It's ridiculous. She needs to slow down and realise that rushing into relationships with men won't get her anywhere." We bonded over that, especially when I told her that Seungcheol was the exact same. I told her that he'd been engaged before but they'd only made it that far because she'd accidentally ended up pregnant and he wasn't prepared to let her go through it alone. He was a good guy, I told her, but he didn't always get it right.

It made it a lot easier for both of us to deal with it when that was the case. Neither of us was completely invested in the engagement, nor the wedding, so we ended up taking things easily. We got to know each other incredibly well and we even went out for meals together, where she told me all of the gossip that came alongside her sister - the bride - whilst I told her a few little bits about Seungcheol. Nothing that would completely slander his name, but enough for her to be able to trust me and feel as if we were creating a good bond between us. It made time run that little bit quicker for us both and then before we knew it, we had reached the day of the hen and stag parties. The maid of honour whipped the bride away for a night of seeing her favourite idol group, paired with VIP tickets to see them backstage, whilst I took Seungcheol to a bar. A typical man's thing to do, but something that he liked a lot. After all, it gave us time to be alone and that was all he needed.

Saying that, he seemed to be a bit uncomfortable when we were at the bar together. Not with the fact that it was just the two of us but rather, with the situation itself. The fact that he was getting married to someone after just five months of being in a relationship with them. I'd been dating him longer and we were nowhere near that point in our relationship, so why did he think that it was a good idea to marry someone else? "You know, you can always call things off," I told him, in an attempt to be helpful, but he shook his head a little bit.  
"I have to do this. I can't cancel the wedding again. My parents were furious last time and besides, I'm sure that she'll be a great wife." To me, it sounded as if he was trying to convince himself of the fact that it was the right choice. It was as if he thought that by putting it out there, it was going to make it real. Of course, we both knew the truth but we weren't going to correct it. That sort of comment had no place there.

The night was relatively uneventful, but in a good way. We were able to get rid of the worries about the future and that was something that we both liked a lot. If you don't have to concern yourself with that sort of thing, then everything else becomes a lot clearer and you can actually make better decisions in life. Or at least, that was what we liked to think. Actually, the only eventful thing that _did_ happen when we were in the club was that a lady came to our table and told us that she'd overheard that we were there for a stag party. She pointed out that it didn't look like much of a party and that she was willing to spice things up for him by giving him a lapdance - something that she was only offering because she was a dancer for the bar, mind you - but Seungcheol couldn't take the request seriously. He told her that he was actually more interested in men and besides, his fiancee would kill him if she found out that he'd been touched by another woman, and the woman gave an apologetic smile before leaving.

That wasn't to say that he _didn't_ get a lapdance in the end, though. We went back to his place together, in the same fashion that we had done whilst he was between relationships, and then stumbled into his bedroom. And since I was incredibly drunk at the time, I decided that I would give him what he would have had if he had taken her up on the offer. We turned on some music and I slowly moved myself in his lap, gradually taking off our clothes until we were brushing against each other sensually, but then he gave up too early and caved. He was all over me right away, his lips touching my bare skin and coaxing me forward, and we didn't stop until we fell asleep. When we did, my face was buried in his chest and his arms were pulling me closer, and it was absolutely undeniable that we ended up making the most of the fact that there were still three days before he got married.

Then the wedding day approached us from the front and bowled us right over. Before we'd even had the chance to recover from our affair, the wedding was there and we were having to get dressed as quickly as possible so that we could make our way to the venue. We took a taxi, arriving twenty-five minutes earlier than we needed to be, then we made our way to the door so that we could greet everyone as they walked into the hall. His fiancee was sat in the next room greeting people too, although we weren't able to see her. It was the convenience of Korean weddings, even though the plan was to go all-out and make it something much bigger than the traditional wedding. The guests got to see her dress whilst we didn't, and then she would hide out of the way so that Seungcheol could go through to the front of the room and wait for her. Only then would she make her way through the hall and stand by his side. It was a huge mish-mash of tradition and modern, Eastern and Western, but it was fine. They were both convinced that it was going to work.

And it did. I'll give them that. It worked enough for them to be able to make it run seamlessly. We didn't see her as we made our way to the front of the room, then she came into the room with her maid of honour on one arm. Her parents were sat at the front of the room already, watching their daughters walking down the aisle together. The girl's sister passed her to Seungcheol then came to stand next to me, and then we listened to all of the conversational side of the wedding. All of the talk of traditions and the attempts to engage everyone else. Then they started on the vows and I could see that the maid of honour was relieved. She didn't know whether they'd actually decided to go ahead with the song, so it had been a huge relief when it turned out that the idea had been scrapped. She simply wasn't in the mood to have to sing, not even at her own sister's wedding, and I had to agree that it was a relief for me too.

It didn't take nearly as long as I thought it would take but it still felt as if it had dragged on forever. I felt as if I'd not sat down in centuries and to hold a smile for that long was emotionally taxing. I could feel the maid of honour's arms getting tired as she tried to hold onto my elbow, and then we were both left trying to shift our weight here and there so that we could actually maintain a decent posture the entire time. But then it was finally done. They shared a kiss to seal the deal and create the unity of marriage between them, and then they made their way back into the reception area. Everyone else followed them and began to pile their gifts onto the table so that the couple would be able to see how much their family and friends loved them, and then the main part of the wedding was over. From that point, they had to get ready to meet with their parents for a traditional meal. So it was back to the changing rooms to do that, with myself and the bride's sister there to help them.

Now, I wish that it had been a simple task to get Seungcheol out of his suit and into his hanbok. But apparently, that wasn't the case at all. Once we were alone and the door was shut, he pulled me into a hard kiss and ran a hand through my hair. "Jeonghan," he breathed against my lips. I still hadn't had the chance to register the fact that we were kissing at that point in time, so my response was delayed. His kisses moved towards my ear instead. "It was such a struggle not to be all over you in that hall," he mumbled against my neck as he pressed kisses to it. "I wish I'd married you instead."  
"You could've married me instead, had you not decided that you wanted to get married to her," I pointed out. Seungcheol paused for just a second, his face moving away just enough for him to be able to see my face.  
"What do you mean by that?"  
"I mean that if you'd waited for me just a little bit longer and made me jealous about the fact that she can provide you with children and I can't, then we could've made things happen."

He let out a groan and pressed his face into my skin again. This time, though, the kisses that followed were harder. A hand reached down to grab my thigh, then the other wrapped tightly around my waist as he tried to calm himself down. The squeeze was so uncharacteristically tight that I didn't know what to do with myself, at least not until he'd moved away again so that he could look directly into my eyes. "Okay, here's the plan. We have over an hour until we have to meet our parents and we'll be going separately. We go through the vows here, as if we were marrying each other, and then we have a steamy affair. We pop to the bathroom next door and clean ourselves up so that it's not obvious what we did, and then we'll be fine. Does that sound good to you?" Of course, it didn't sound good in the slightest. It sounded desperate and as if he was clutching for anything to keep our relationship alive. If this didn't work to make things feel right for him, he didn't know what _would_ fix things.

I was reluctant to go ahead with it, seeing as I already felt bad about bringing that sort of thing up on their wedding day, but seeing how excited Seungcheol was to pretend that we were getting married made it worth it. We each said the vows, as if we were doing it properly, then he crushed out lips together with such passion that it almost knocked me over. I'd never felt him kissing me like that, even when we were together. It was the sort of thing that had the power to leave me breathless and I knew that he could feel that, but the passion continued as he pushed my jacket off my shoulders and I knew that it wasn't going to slow down. His lips were back on my neck as he whispered that I looked amazing in a suit and he just wished that he'd chosen me before it was too late. I stayed completely silent, not really wanting to aggravate the situation any further. He didn't need to know that I wished he'd chosen me too.

The affair was just as steamy as he'd requested, or as steamy as we could make it whilst we were in the middle of a changing room. It wasn't something that proved to be easy, especially since we were pressed so tightly together that we were almost taking the other person out as arms flailed around and legs bumped each other. But saying that, we managed quite well. It was a lot quicker than our usual flings but that worked in our favour. It meant that he could finish getting changed and start heading to the venue for their lunch appointment without anyone clocking onto the fact that we'd ended up touching each other, and then I was free to head home and get changed for the evening activities. His eyes lingered on my face for a moment too long as he began heading into the building, but I made sure to give him encouraging smiles as I waited for him to disappear. And only then did my expression crumble. Only then did I find my heart aching desperately and my chest tightening from the disappointment of watching the man I loved going to set his marriage in stone by chatting with his new wife's parents.

I didn't know what to do with myself as I turned away from the building. Every nerve in my body was telling me that the only option was to cry; that I needed to simply burst into tears on the spot and let it all out. But it wasn't the right place. If I was to start crying where members of the public could see me, I would either be shunned or get questioned. There was no in between. And what could I possibly say if someone asked me why I was crying? We were near to a place where people came to introduce their parents and share the first meal of married life. It would be obvious that it was something to do with that. Yet, the last thing I could do was tell them that I was in love with the groom and had ended up watching him say his vows to someone else. That would receive even worse attention than if I was simply crying in the first place. So I did my best to keep it all inside as I made my way home, then only let it out when I was in the safety of my bedsheets.

There's nothing like being under your duvet with it pulled over your head. It's like a safety net. It's the sort of place that allows you to spill your emotions without anyone else being able to intrude. The fabric muffles the sound of your crying, and the warmth that engulfs you ensures that you feel as if you're being cuddled by an entity who genuinely cares for your well-being. That was why I spent so much of my crying time there. I could safely create a cocoon and stay there for a few hours, until my alarm sounded and told me that it was time to get moving again. In this particular case, I timed it so that I would have the chance to get changed and make my way over to the venue to pick the two of them up. Or three, perhaps, if the maid of honour was going to be meeting us there.

I pulled on the fresh clothes that Seungcheol had picked out for me - some of the clothes that he'd bought me for one of our many dates - and then made my way over to the bathroom so that I could splash my face with cold water and then brush my teeth again. My saliva was thick and I didn't like the feeling of it in my mouth, so it was just another step to make sure that I was looking and feeling my best. Once that was done, I made my way straight there, moving automatically as if I had absolutely no control over my body. Every step felt as if a robot was moving my body but I pushed forward until I was there. Step after step after step.

Admittedly, it wasn't the worst experience in the world. I expected that it would have been incredibly tense, but it turned out that it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. My heart skipped a beat when I saw Seungcheol coming out of the building his face glowing with happiness. He told me that her parents liked him so they were in the clear. That meant that they were going to be able to have their perfect family without any tensions with the parents - on both her side and his - and so everything was off to a great start. Of course, I had to be happy for him. To impress someone's parents upon meeting them for the first time was a great achievement. And it successfully set the tone for the evening; once they were changed out of their hanboks, they were excited to get on with the rest of the day. We headed out into Seoul for the evening - the three of us, since the maid of honour wasn't in the mood to come out - and started with a short pub crawl.

In total, we went to around three or four of them, mainly to show off the fact that Seungcheol and his wife had just married. It gained us a couple of free drinks, so we ended up milking the situation for as many drinks as we could manage. Then, once we'd had enough, we went for a walk around a park together. Seungcheol held hands with both of us, and both in the same way. It was as if we were both his lovers - as if we'd both married him and he was taking advantage of the fact that two people were happy to devote their entire lives to him. But that was fine. At least at that point in time, it was fine. She was happy to let me hold his hand and it wasn't like he'd let go if she told him that it wasn't okay. After our fling earlier that day, he was strangely protective of what we had, so no amount of complaints from her would get him to leave me alone.

I suppose that it worked out, in the end, even though I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want Seungcheol to be married to a woman for a number of reasons. The first was that they would end up having our future together. The second was that I thought it would change him as a person. The third was that I was sure that what we had would end up crumbling. But as it was, everything turned out to be okay.

Even on the wedding night. Seungcheol told his wife that he would make sure that I got back to my room okay, then he ended up laying on the bed with me for a while. His head rested on my shoulder and his fingertip traced patterns on my chest. "You know I love you more than I could possibly love another person, right?" he asked me softly. I gave a shrug, just to be difficult. "Well, it's true. I don't love her as much as I love you, and I need you to remember that. You're the only person who could tell me that you wanted me to get a divorce so that we could be together and genuinely make me consider it."  
"You only married her today. Isn't that a bit soon?" Seungcheol gave a sheepish smile as he cuddled closer against my side.  
"I'd do anything."

It was a poor premise to marry someone over - the premise that your ex-boyfriend wasn't going to ask you to leave her at any given point in time - but luckily, I wasn't like that. I loved him but my love could wait. For now, it was time for him to go to his room and spend the night enjoying her company instead.


	47. Chapter 47

A lot changed in the first year of their marriage.

They moved into a better place. Seungcheol's wife became the head nurse in her ward, and she was given a huge pay rise as a result of that. Likewise, he found a better paying job, applied for it, then managed to get it. They were doing incredibly well for themselves and their relationship was a lot healthier than mine had ever been with Seungcheol. In fact, it was going so well that they started planning their family; how many children they wanted to have, how they were going to raise them, and the likes. They didn't start trying to have children specifically, though, since they thought that it was something that could wait. If they were so determined to have a family and they were already married in the first place, there was nothing to say that they had to rush. There was time to take their time. So they did. Here and there, they just wouldn't use protection to see how well it worked out for them, according to what Seungcheol told me. But nothing happened and I have to admit, I was relieved to know that.

Things changed for me too, actually, but they weren't half as dramatic as the changed that Seungcheol and his wife went through. I was still working in that little retail shop, hating every single shift that I took during the week. It was the same thing every day with the slight variation in how much of the delivery I had to put away when I turned up for my shift, or whether I would be put on with another arrogant supervisor who thought that they knew the place better than I did when they had been there for a few weeks and I had been there for a few years.

But on the other hand, I had managed to get my own place. It wasn't the best and was much like Seungcheol's first and second homes, but I could handle it. At least there wasn't an issue with infestations as I'd thought there would be. The problems were just with the water pressure in the kitchen tap and the fact that sometimes, the electrics would cut out for seemingly no reason at all. Then there was the fact that I'd managed to get myself a boyfriend. I think it was a relief for both myself and Seungcheol's wife, to be honest. She would always tell me that I was welcome in their house and that I didn't need to feel shy about the fact that I wanted to get physical with her husband, but I did start to feel a bit awkward after they got married. After all, there's nothing more uncomfortable than a guy's wife bursting into the room whilst you're on top of him, only to tell him that she "needs to talk". You assume the worst, naturally, even though she just wants to talk about everything that's going wrong in her life.

So at least by getting a boyfriend, I was able to distance myself from their relationship a little bit. At least that way, I was able to force myself to move on from Seungcheol. After the events that took place on their wedding day, I felt that I owed myself the chance to get away from it a little bit. I felt guilty. I knew that she said that we could sleep together whenever we felt like it, but I do feel that their wedding day might have been pushing it a little bit too far. I'm making this observation as a result of the fact that whilst Seungcheol would usually be happy to tell his wife whenever we touched each other, just so that she didn't feel as if she was being cast out of her own relationship, it was a bit different that time. He didn't say a word. So I didn't say anything either. I just hoped that it wouldn't come up and she wouldn't have any reason to think that what was happening between us was anything more than physical, even though it was.

All in all, everything felt like a fresh start. I felt as if it was all coming into place; as if we'd figured everything out between us and suddenly, the world was trying its hardest to give us the chance to make a new start. Even though we both still wanted to be together, we were able to resist the urges as they came towards us. Whilst I was with my boyfriend, I didn't cheat once. Even when Seungcheol came to show me some sexy boxers that he'd bought for a getaway with his wife, I resisted the urge to pounce on him and make him mine. Even when Seungcheol told me that he missed being able to feel me up, our hands were kept to ourselves and we resorted to simply undressing each other with our eyes. _That_ was a step in the right direction, I think. It was a sign that Seungcheol's commitment to his wife had some worth now and I wasn't to step over that line. It was just how we both needed it to be.

Well, at least that was what it was like for as long as we could manage to just be friends.

In a vain attempt to explain - but not justify - my actions, I'll tell you that we did actually manage to hold it off pretty well. For the duration of my relationship, I was able to hold myself off getting too close to him. But then one night, it crashed and burnt and _that_ was how we ended up going back down that route.

I had had a suspicion that my relationship was failing for a few weeks at that point. You know, it's easy enough to tell when a man is cheating a lot of the time. It starts with him finding every excuse to refrain from contacting you. "Oh, I'm working tonight. Sorry, I don't think I'm going to make it to your place," perhaps. Or, "My mom just called to say that she's not feeling well. I'm going to go to her house with some soup and keep her company since my dad is out of town at the moment." They sound elaborate enough but when it happens to be the case on almost every single Friday and sometimes Mondays too, you can often assume that there's something bigger than you there. It's all but confirmed when he starts bringing you gifts. Little 'I thought of you's. In itself, it would be sweet, but it gets to be a little bit suspicious when he goes from giving you gifts only on special occasions to coming home every week with something like flowers or a necklace or cologne for you to have.

I drew the line, though, when he was constantly trying to make our relationship physical. We had to be touching each other all the time or else he wouldn't be interested in me. And I found that absolutely infuriating so I had to bring it up with him. I couldn't let it build in the background for any longer. I sat him down and asked him what was wrong - why he was doing all of those things - and he got incredibly upset with me. He said that it was nothing and that I was making a big deal out of nothing, and he didn't want to have to deal with me reacting to his attempts at being nice like that. He stormed out of my house and we didn't speak for almost a week. At that point, he arrived at my front doorstep and made his way into the house so that he could speak to me. He took a seat on the sofa and then started fiddling with his fingers. I could tell that he wanted to say something but couldn't get the words out so I waited until he was ready to say it.

It took a while but eventually, his eyes shifted up to my face. "Look there's no easy way to say this," he said. "I think you need to get yourself tested to see if you've got gonorrhoea ." My face began burning right away, both from anger and embarrassment.  
"What do you _mean_ get myself tested for gonorrhoea? I'm absolutely clean and I asked you to get tested before we started getting intimate with each other. How could either of us _possibly_ have gonorrhoea?" The panic set in. Apparently, he had forgotten that we had both been tested to make sure that we were absolutely clean. If I didn't know better, I would guess that he was probably going to pin it on me and claim that I was the one to have given it to him, had I not pointed that out.  
"I don't know, maybe I caught it from a toilet seat or something. I just wet to the doctor a few days ago because it hurt to pee and they sent me a message today telling me that I had it and that I have to tell everyone I've had sex with."

Although I wouldn't usually pick up on his language so intensely, I found that the immediate worry when he realised that he'd said "everyone" was particularly suspicious. He began to try to defend the fact that it was just me so I was everyone and that told me right away that he'd picked it up from someone he'd been seeing behind my back. Anyone else would just drop it, since it sounded like something a doctor would say to someone. What would be the point in just telling their partner if they had caught it from someone else? A lot of people would take it literally and end up catching it over and over again because they wouldn't make the link or they would be too embarrassed to tell their other lovers. But by trying to justify the fact that I was the only one, he was telling me that he was seeing at least one other person, and _that_ was where he'd caught it. Not from a toilet seat, like he'd claimed, but from an actual living, breathing person.

So I called him out over it. "You know, I've actually been tested before and it turned out that I was positive. And they told me that the chance of catching a sexually transmitted infection from a toilet seat is so small that they hadn't even heard of one case of it happening. So unless you're a medical miracle with an immune system so low that the bacteria can climb inside your orifices, I'd say that you've been sleeping with someone else behind my back." He let out a panicked laugh and denied it, but I continued to press him about it. I continued to five evidence of the fact that I knew about his affair and I watched as his walls eventually crumbled down. And then he proceeded to tell me that he might have accidentally kissed someone else whilst drunk at a club. He claimed that he couldn't remember what had happened but his friends told him that he was dancing close to someone and that they kissed each other, but he simply hoped that I would give him the benefit of the doubt and know that it wasn't intentional.

"There's one problem with that," I pointed out, my tone blander than I'd ever heard it before in my life. "You still haven't explained to me how you managed to catch gonorrhoea." And then he tried his hardest to rebuild the walls. He came up with a thousand different excuses about sharing towels and offering to let his friends wear his underwear when they went to his house for the night and forgot to bring spare clothes but then naturally, it all had to come out in the end. There was no way that he was going to be able to keep up that appearance for the rest of the night.  
"I might've slept with someone else once."  
"Are you absolutely certain that it was just once because I've noticed that this suspicious behaviour has been going on for an incredibly long time. Over a month, for that matter." He tried to keep it quiet again, but the truth ended up being the next thing that left his mouth. The truth about the fact that he'd been having persistent affairs with anyone who asked him to take them to bed for almost four months.

Then he tried to explain himself to me. He tried to justify it by reminding me that I didn't sleep with him for the first month of our relationship; that I was always at Seungcheol's place and it made him feel lonely. So he started searching for people to take my place. He took anyone who asked him to sleep with them and he made a special effort to avoid letting it happen whenever he thought that I might message or call him. But then he started to get in too deep. He was sleeping with me but still continuing with those people on the side. Then he started adding a few more people here and there until could have had a fortnightly rotation of us all and still had back-ups if someone cancelled. He wasn't using protection with any of us either, which meant that it was a miracle in itself that the only thing we'd ended up sharing was gonorrhoea. It could have easily been something a lot more severe; something that could have compromised immune systems or caused our organs to shut down. He had risked everyone's lives because he couldn't keep it in his trousers.

I told him to get out of my house, informing him right away that I wasn't going to put up with that sort of behaviour from anyone. I suppose that I must have sounded like a teacher or parent or something, but I was so furious with him that I didn't even consider the effect of my words. I didn't care if it sounded stupid; I just wanted him to be out of my life for good. And as it was, he was actually more than happy to leave. It was as if I'd lifted a weight off his chest and had allowed him to become a sin-free individual once again. Of course, that was hardly the case and we both knew that he was a disgusting man who had absolutely no respect for other people, but I couldn't really say that to him, seeing as I'd been seeing Seungcheol behind the backs of all of his girlfriends and had technically broken my agreement with his wife on multiple occasions. I figured that I was just as bad as my boyfriend had been, so I kept my mouth shut about it.

I did, on the other hand, call Seungcheol right away to tell him about everything that had gone down. He took a while to answer his phone, only for his voice to sound a little bit distant when he finally answered. "Are you outside or something?" I asked him. He let out a hesitant hum.  
"I'm actually at a restaurant at the moment. I just stepped outside to answer this call. I told Sunbi that I had a call from work that I had to take." I paused. They weren't really the sort of couple who would just go out to eat for no reason at all. They often preferred to eat at home because their schedules were too busy for them to be able to fit it in otherwise. So even though I was incredibly upset, I had to put my feelings on hold to find out what was happening.  
"How come you've gone out to eat? Did someone get another pay rise or something? Do you need me to bring flowers to your place to congratulate you or something?"  
"Uh, actually, it's our wedding anniversary."

My stomach lurched. I'd intruded on something important and was about to spew my hurt at Seungcheol when he was supposed to be enjoying his night. I couldn't bring myself to do it; not when he was usually so stressed out that he couldn't make a lot of time for his wife. "I'm sorry," I said softly into the phone. "I'll let you get back to your meal."  
"You sound deflated," Seungcheol pointed out. There was a long pause, as if he didn't really know what to say. "Besides, I'm already outside so you might as well tell me what you want to talk about. I can stay for a few more minutes if you want that." He wasn't going to accept 'no' for an answer in this case. I could tell that much. Choi Seungcheol was as stubborn as I was in certain cases and this was one of those cases. There was nothing I could do but tell him what happened and hope that he would give me the chance to talk to him once he'd finished the anniversary celebrations. It might have been at ten o'clock at night or two o'clock in the morning; I didn't care as long as I had the chance to get it off my chest.

So I told him what had happened. That I had to have a course of antibiotics to get rid of the infection that he'd given me, which had caused as much of a knock on my confidence as it had when I found out that I had chlamydia when I was with Mingyu. That we'd ended up discussing how it was possible for us to have it when I was supposed to be his only partner and he was supposed to be mine, and we'd supposedly had tests to make sure that we were both clean before getting busy with each other. That he'd eventually told me that he was sleeping with no less than fifteen other people behind my back - a mix of people he'd met at work, one-night stands, and whoever he could get his hands on at the various gay bars in Seoul - and he'd not even thought to use protection with any of them. I listened as Seungcheol gave the appropriate sounds of discontent every time I added another little detail, and then he eventually offered up a solution for me.

"What would you say if I told you that we could order takeout and watch Disney films?" he asked. I shook my head, even though I knew that he couldn't see the gesture.  
"You're on a date with your wife. I think that's a bit more important. I'll still be here tomorrow, though, if you have any time for me after work." Seungcheol let out an irritated noise down the phone.  
"Yoon Jeonghan, you're the most important person in my life. I don't care who I'm married to and who I might have children with in the future. You're the person who comes first in my world, so I'm going to be coming over to your place and we're going to watch films and eat Chinese food." I tried to argue with him but he insisted, telling me that even if I _did_ say no, he already had his excuse ready. He was going to tell her that he had an urgent work call because the alarms were going off and since he's supposed to be the manager, he has to go and investigate it.

I felt bad about the fact that he was doing that for me when I'd just had a break-up with someone. It wasn't like someone I loved had died or I'd lost my job and had to prepare to live in poverty for the rest of my life. A boy who clearly didn't care all that much about my emotional wellbeing wasn't worth any of my time, and so I was sure that I could have simply dropped it and I would've been better in a few days. But Seungcheol was at my place within an hour and ended up bringing the food with him. We served it up in silence and just watched the film until I was ready to chat to him some more about the relationship and where everything had gone wrong, and only then did Seungcheol decide that it was safe to wrap an arm around me and draw me closer to his chest. I cuddled against him, rubbing my face against his shirt. "You know," I said softly. "I really think I deserve this fate after everything that I've done. I suppose your girlfriends felt this bad about themselves after what we did, too."

"Don't speak like that," Seungcheol whispered into my ear. He pressed a gentle kiss to the side of my cheek and then proceeded to run his fingers through my hair. "We did it because we loved each other. They could tell that we loved each other and they still got involved with me. It was their own problem, as far as I'm concerned. But your case is different. He didn't love any of those people. He did it to hurt you because he thought that you owed him sex. That's the difference." It wasn't completely true, of course. I'm sure that his ex-girlfriends wouldn't have been able to tell that there was something more between us. I'm sure that even if they did, they wouldn't have made the connection anyway. After all, if you're a woman who is dating a man, you don't expect him to be sleeping with another man behind your back. If anything, you typically expect that he'll be seeing another _woman_ behind your back.

Likewise, I couldn't really confirm that my ex-boyfriend didn't have feelings for any of the people he was seeing behind my back. I'm sure that there wouldn't have really been any feelings between him and the ones who were there for a night or so, but there were some who he was seeing on a long-term basis. Some who he had been sleeping with for months, who he could have easily been seeing in a romantic sense. I can't say for sure that there wasn't something more there and I think that that thought bothered me more than the thought that he was sleeping with them for the sake of it. Of course, though, I couldn't tell Seungcheol that. It was a bit hypocritical, you see. How could I get upset with someone who was seeing other people behind my back in a way that could have been in a romantic way as well as sexual? I had been that very same person just months ago when Seungcheol was convinced that I was the one for him but I wasn't sure that I could meet the demands of family life and marriage for his sake.

So I ended up dropping it. I ended up pretending that it wasn't a big deal anyway, and that I just thought that it was better that I didn't have any contact with the guy again. I told Seungcheol that I was a bit upset about it all but not so upset that I wouldn't be able to get over him. It was something that could probably be done in a week or so, especially if I went to a bar and picked up a random gentleman. We could go to his hotel room and make use of every single inch of the place, and then I would feel a lot less drawn to the man who had essentially made it clear to me that withholding sex in the early stages of a relationship was the catalyst that left people relationships crumbling to the ground. Although it wouldn't be perfect, I would imagine that it would be able to help me to feel a little bit better for at least a couple of hours, which is why I would give it a chance.

Seungcheol didn't seem too happy with that suggestion, though. He looked me up and down as I said it and then flashed his tongue over his lips. "Do you really think that sleeping with a random man is gonna help you to get over that scumbag?" he asked. "You know, the offer still stands here; Sunbi hasn't said that we can't continue what we were doing, so I'd assume that it's still okay now." I wanted to reject him but I couldn't find the words to do so. After all, it wasn't as if I didn't want to feel him close to me. That wasn't the case at all. I wanted nothing more than to feel our skin touching and our breath mingling, but I knew right away that it was a mistake. If they were going to be trying for a baby soon enough, I didn't want to be getting too attached to him again. To do so was to stop me from moving on again, and to land us in an even harder situation where we were trying to work it around him having a child to look after.

I went for the next best thing instead. Something that wasn't anywhere near as good as being able to forget all of my problems with him, but still something that felt amazing for both of us. I asked if we could just cuddle up in my bed and work from there. I wanted to feel his skin against mine and his heartbeat synchronising with my own. No, scrap that. I _needed_ it. So we agreed to do that, and Seungcheol led me straight through to my bedroom so that we could get started. Clothes were tossed carelessly to one side, then we were under the safety of the covers together. He pulled me as close as physically possible and I wrapped my legs around one of his, and then we simply drowned in the sensation of being close to another person. It was the most beautiful feeling in the world and it was obvious that it did wonders for both of us, even though Seungcheol clearly wanted more to happen in the first place. It just went to show that our relationship didn't have to be sexual to be intimate, and that non-sexual intimacy had the power to satisfy us just as much as it would have done if it had been more.

In fact, it was such a great experience that we ended up falling asleep together. He was so comfortable that we ended up taking a nap, and that nap overrun by around six hours. He woke up with such a jolt that my heart skipped a beat, and I suddenly didn't know where I was or what was happening. All I knew was that the light was still on and we were cuddled up in my bed with absolutely no clothes on whatsoever. "What time is it?" he grumbled as he fondled around for his phone. When he found it, I heard him let out an odd little noise, and then he jumped straight up out of the bed. "I'm sorry, I have twelve missed calls from her. I have to go before she ends up killing me. I don't know how we're gonna explain this one." With that, he started pulling his clothes back on and made his way towards the bedroom door, only to come back and press a kiss to my lips before making his departure.

As it was, she was incredibly upset with him to start with. He told her that he had sorted the issue out, only to fall asleep when he was on the train back to their place. He had ended up going around and around on the green subway line for hours, only to be woken up by a stranger who had seen him both on the way to a work event and also on the way back from that event. So he'd gone home as quickly as he could get there and the plan was for him to make it up to her when he had the chance to do so.

Of course, it was a much better lie than my ex-boyfriend could have possibly come up with to excuse the fact that he wasn't there on time for the rest of their anniversary date. But it still wasn't perfect. It was an uncomfortable sort of lie. After all, how could he possibly fall asleep on a journey that was so short? How did no one else think to inform him of the fact that he was going around and around in circles? How did a member of staff not realise that he had passed the same station over and over again? Those were the sorts of questions that she could have asked and he would have been stumped for an answer, and any attempt to come up with something on the spot would surely leave her knowing that he was making it up on the spot.

But she didn't say a word. Instead, she told him that she wanted him to spend the night on the sofa, then they patched things up in the morning. And by the time I went to visit them that evening, she was obviously feeling a lot better. She was over it and it seemed that she believed the lies that she was told. Or at least, that was the impression I got when she told me about it privately. Either she believed everything that he'd said to her and trusted that he'd actually ended up falling asleep on the train, or she was just trying to see whether it looked as if I knew anything else so that she could accuse him of lying to her about it all. I don't know and I still don't know whether she was being genuine, but I'd really like to think that she was. After all, she was a nice girl and we were friends.


	48. Chapter 48

Now, you may have noticed that it has been quite a long time since I really spoke about my experiences at work. And that's simply because nothing particularly eventful happened after Seungcheol left. It was the same old thing every day and so I've essentially just looked past everything that happened whilst I was employed there.

We got some new supervisors in, some people left, and our temporary staffing levels fluctuated drastically around holiday periods. It was just another retail job. Another retail job that I absolutely loathed and wanted nothing more than to leave. But how could I possibly do that? I didn't have enough money to be able to just drop it and search for another job, and I knew full well that they would end up doing anything to keep me. I still wouldn't want to stay if they offered me six million won a month but I would end up feeling as if I had been guilted into signing away my life, and I would end up spending my life feeling absolutely miserable as I continued doing the job that I hated. So I ended up just continuing without complaint. I didn't want to cause a fuss, especially not when I had only just moved out of the limelight in the first place.

That's right, everyone found out about my various affairs with Seungcheol. The majority of people didn't dare to say what they thought about it to my face but I knew that they thought it was hilarious that he ended up having to hand in his notice because he'd been caught sending me explicit photos of his genitals. Thankfully, Jihoon wasn't the sort of guy who would show anyone else, even when people found out that he was the one who had mistakenly received the image, so the photo didn't make rounds - as it would have done if we were sixteen and in high school - but that didn't mean that people hadn't come up with their own ideas of what it could possibly look like. I had people asking me if he was big for a couple of weeks afterwards - in a teasing way, mind you - and so I eventually snapped at someone over it. I thought perhaps that would stop it from continuing. I thought wrong. The teasing only got worse and I was the only one it really affected too. No one bothered to tell Seungcheol because they were sure that having to hand in his notice and leave was punishment in itself. If only they'd known that he had bagged a much better job in the end.

Anyway, life moved on. They eventually got bored of teasing me over my affair with Seungcheol. You can only really laugh about that sort of thing for so long before people stop reacting to it. Yes, I slept with a man who was due to get married to someone else. Yes, his fiancee was pregnant with his child. Yes, he sent me a photo of his dick, completely erect and with the light catching his piercing. No, it wasn't the first time he'd sent me a photo like that. Of course, I sent them back too. I wanted the photo. I'd asked him to send me nudes whilst we were getting ready to leave the building that evening. It just happened to be the case that he sent it to the wrong person. Yawn. The same questions. The same answers. It gets tiresome and eventually no one cares anymore, so you just have to wait it out until you get to that point where it passes and someone else's mistake becomes the target of teasing. In this case, it was the fact that they went to a bar and a particular person in our friendship group let another one suck him in an alley. They weren't dating at the time. Prime-cut gossip right there.

I was happy that I was out of the limelight. I could get back to holding normal friendships with normal friends without someone mocking me every few minutes. I could feel a lot more comfortable when I went into work, since I wasn't worried about someone making a snide comment behind my back about how I was probably sleeping with one of the managers for the extra money that it would inevitably rake in. I clocked in, got on with my job, then clocked out and went home. And that was the extent of it all. Nothing else. It meant that whilst I certainly wasn't happy about the fact that I was still working there and under the immense amount of stress, my life was normal. And you know how I feel about things that appear to be normal. They soothe my anxiety and help me to feel that little bit better, even when I'm in an absolute state of havoc and disarray.

But saying that, there's always someone who has to stay attached to one little bit of gossip. One person who hates the person it's about so much that they end up needing to find out more information about the topic. Introducing Kim Hansol - a very different person to Chwe Hansol from our friendship group - who seemed to hate me, for some unknown reason. Or at least, I assumed that he hated me. There was no other reason why he would act how he did around me. This man seemed to be absolutely thrilled about the fact that I had been known to have an affair with one of our past supervisors. It was as if his heart was alight with happiness when he heard that little breath of gossip on the wind. It was the sort of thing that he still continued to bring up with our colleagues months later, even after Seungcheol's fiancee lost the baby and they broke up. The other supervisors had warned him that it was a bit of a sour topic now that the fun was over and there was a stillborn baby involved, but that didn't mean that he wouldn't still hint towards it. And that bothered me a little bit.

It wasn't a common enough occurrence for me to be massively bothered by it, mind you. I wouldn't be there ripping my hair out because it infuriated me so much. I wouldn't sit there and cry about it in my bed at night. No, it was something that simply bugged me a _little_ bit; the tiniest niggle in my heart that made me want to push him over and leave it at that. That was all it would really take, frankly. A push would stop him from continuing it. And believe me, the only reason why I didn't push him into the racking was because I didn't want to break anything if it fell over. Instead, I just pretended that it wasn't a big deal whatsoever. Yes, I'd slept with a man who was supposed to be getting married to someone else, but that didn't mean anything to either of us anymore. No one cared. No one thought that it was an uncommon scandal. I would confess to the world that it was incredibly poor judgement on my part, although I couldn't really tell him that I wouldn't do it again. I was sleeping with a married man again, over a year later. Go figure, I suppose.

Saying that, though, I hadn't really anticipated that the guy would dig for dirt on his own too. I didn't think that I would go into work one day, only to find that his eyes were lit up with excitement. "A little bird told me that you're still in contact with Seungcheol," he told me. I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes.  
"Of course I'm still in contact with him. We're still very good friends and we have the right to be friends still, even when he's not in a relationship with me. Is there a problem with me being friends with him?" Hansol shook his head, but the glimmer of excitement stayed in his eyes.  
"I heard that he's married to someone else now. Does she know that he cheated on his last fiancee with you?" This time, the urge to roll my eyes was so great that I couldn't stop myself. It was paired with a groan and a headshake too, just to show him that it was old news.

"We told her everything. Hansol, they've been together for quite some time now; it's not as big of a deal as you're making it out to be, you know."  
"But does she know that you're still sleeping with him now?" Suddenly, my entire body tensed up. I didn't know what to do with myself. The guy's face was so smug, as if he'd been digging for weeks to find out such a juicy bit of information. I didn't know where he could have possibly found that out but I know for a fact that neither myself nor Seungcheol, nor any of our friends would ever dare to tell him that sort of thing. He didn't know Seungcheol's wife or anyone else in his family so unless he followed us home and watched through the windows, I didn't know how he could have found something like that out. It simply didn't make sense in the slightest and so I wasn't really prepared to accept it. It was just a lucky guess, I assumed, and so I would respond as such.

"I don't know what you mean by that," I said blandly, demonstrating as best as possible that I really hated him making assumptions like that. But he didn't seem all that fazed by my tone. In fact, his smile only grew wider as he stared into my eyes.  
"I'm sure you do," he told me. Then he stopped. Only then did his eyes flicker down to the collar of my shirt a couple of times. To start with, I thought that perhaps it looked weird or one of the buttons had popped loose. It was only when he started looking so deliberately that I started to guess that he'd seen something new about my appearance. Something that he hadn't noticed before. "Oh, come on!" he eventually exclaimed when I didn't tell him what he'd been looking at. "You have a necklace around your neck and I'm sure that you got it from him." The necklace. How pathetic. I'd only been wearing it for over two years already. With that, I let out a sigh of relief which was masked with a lace of irritation.

"Whilst it _is_ a gift from Seungcheol, I'll have you know that I got it from him back when he was with his previous fiancee. It's nothing new and it's not a scandal; it just reminds me of our friendship."  
"Okay, but does the love bite on your collarbone also remind you of our friendship with him?" The smirk only grew. I wanted nothing more than to punch him by that point. Pushing was out of the question; it wasn't a harsh enough punishment. I hadn't even realised that the love bite was noticeable, especially with all of the buttons on my polo fastened up properly. I thought I'd been successful at hiding it. As it was, either I was very bad at it or he was staring at me so much that he occasionally got a little hint of what appeared to be a bruise. So I had to come up with something on the spot.  
"That's from my actual boyfriend. Not Seungcheol. Do you not think that his wife would have something to say about it if I left their place with a massive love bite on my neck?"

Hansol seemed amazed by the fact that I was suddenly bringing up my boyfriend. Of course, I'd never mentioned him before because he wasn't real. Saying that, though, I'd never mentioned any of my other boyfriends at work. Mingyu was the only exception because we worked together. Other than him, I liked to keep my private life private and my work life within the constraints of those walls. I didn't like them crossing over or mixing, and I didn't really want to have to bring an imaginary person into the workplace like that either. It was for this exact reason, funnily enough. Hansol proceeded to ask me question after question. What was his name? How old was he? What did he do for work? How long had we been together? Was he going to come into our shop to see me at some point in the future? Did we live together? Did he know about Seungcheol? I answered them all with as few words as possible, under the premise that I had a lot of work to do and he was distracting me, but then he would pop out another question as soon as the words had passed my lips.

It was absolutely endless. He continued to push it and push it and push it until I'd had enough of him and told him that my boyfriend would end up coming into work eventually and at that point, he was welcome to ask him all of the questions that he needed to ask. There was no need for him to be bombarding me with questions when I had three whole shelves of returns to put away, six fast-track orders lined up on the screen, and a number of delivery picks to take care of before the drivers turned up for their shift. For the moment, it made him fall quiet and get back on with whatever he needed to do. But he was a lot happier. He knew more gossip to add to his timeline of the Jeonghan and Seungcheol Affair and now he was ready to record it forever. It would have a permanent imprint on his mind and he was happy about that. It was all he really needed to be happy. On the other hand, it was all I needed to be incredibly stressed for both the rest of my shift and the rest of the day overall.

I ended up having to call my sister about it when I got home. Whilst I would usually call Seungcheol, I knew that he would find no comfort in knowing that people still discussed our affair at work. If nothing else, it would simply make him more and more stressed and then he would be unable to help me out at all. After all, he was under the impression that by handing in his notice and leaving, the remarks about us and our affair would die too. He was under the impression that it would make everything better for both of us. As it was, that wasn't exactly the case, and to tell him that would be to drag him back into an unnecessary amount of drama that he didn't even need to worry about now that he was supposed to be away from it all. So she was the only option. I called her up after work and explained that that colleague was trying to tease me over my inevitable affair with Seungcheol - which I'd apparently forgotten to mention to her, since she immediately let out a gasp of surprise when I revealed that it wasn't just a rumour - and then I waited for her verdict over what to do.

As always, she was the voice of reason. The one person why truly kept me going. She knew exactly how we could handle it and I have to say, I was incredibly grateful for it. The answer was simple: "What we could do is get Junseok to come into your workplace and pose as your boyfriend. You know him well enough to be able to keep up the act, and I'm absolutely sure that you'll be able to act as if there's something more than friendship between you. Does that sound okay?" Junseok was her boyfriend. They had been together since they were in their first year of middle school and they're still together now. In fact, even though I'm still not ready to tell you how much time has passed since these events, I'll happily point out that they're married and have three children together now. I have two nieces and a nephew and they're all perfect. They're the only kids that I've truly loved from the moment I saw them bundled up in my sister's arms, and they were the first children I'd ever held so soon after their arrival in the world.

Anyway, back to my sister's boyfriend. Funnily enough, he was actually bisexual but he was incredibly straight-passing. This wasn't going to be the first time that he would be pretending to be my boyfriend. I'd gone to an LGBT club with him once, when we were trying to get to know each other a little bit better, since he hadn't come over to our house until he'd been with my sister for almost six years and even then, I didn't make an effort to get to know him for a while longer. A man had hit on me and then he reached down to grab my ass. I was taken by surprise, since I was young and innocent back then and I'd never really anticipated that I would have had a man touching me without permission like that. But then Junseok had swept in like a white knight and had told the man that if he saw him put a hand on his boyfriend's ass again, he would break all of his fingers. He then kissed me on the mouth for show and then promptly led me away, and that was all we really needed to stop it from happening again.

He'd told my sister as soon as we got home, of course, and she had told him that she was proud of him for taking care of me. I was like his little brother right off the bat, he said, and so he was going to do anything he could to make sure that no one did anything to harm me. And that offer was still in place when that one awful colleague decided to take it upon himself to make me feel uncomfortable in the workplace. The plan was to have him turn up and tell me that he was going to meet me after work to take me for dinner. And then he actually _would._ He would take me to a restaurant near to where my sister worked and we would meet her there. It would be a nice evening and she said that she would pay for us all, since it could double up as a celebration of the fact that she'd received another promotion at work, and then we wouldn't need to worry about Kim Hansol acting up at work anymore.

That was why he was the perfect person for the job. He wasn't scared to kiss me in front of other people if it was for my safety or wellbeing, and we both knew that there was no chance that he would fall for me so it wasn't awkward at all. The guy was only into tough-looking men with muscles. Seungcheol was probably a lot closer to his type, but he probably wouldn't hit the mark either. Not enough muscle still, and he didn't really like Seungcheol's personality either. On the one occasion that they met whilst my sister visited me at work, Junseok thought that Seungcheol was an "insistent, patronising little prick" and he told me that if I ever got a boyfriend like that, he should hope that I knew how to put him in his place. And then, of course, I ended up picking the exact same insistent, patronising little prick that my brother-in-law hated. Go figure, I suppose.

Anyway, the plan was put straight into action. He agreed to do it without hesitation, and so it was full steam ahead. On the agreed day, he came into my workplace and bought satin bedsheets from the cashier. Being the only one working on the ground floor of the warehouse, I was the one who had to pick the item and take it out to him. I didn't realise it was him to start with, but then he came over to the counter to collect his purchase and he was unmistakable. He had flowers in his hand and flashed me the sweetest possible smile. Had he actually been my boyfriend, I would have been incredibly impressed with the show he put on for me whilst I was at work. Not only was it romantic but it also caught the attention of all of my colleagues. I rejected Wonwoo's suggestion that he could hand it to Junseok for me, but I informed him as quietly as I could manage that actually, he was my sister's boyfriend so I would be more than happy to serve him. Wonwoo seemingly understood without me having to explain any more, and so he stepped back and allowed me to make my way over. I took his receipt and stamped it, then handed him his item. In return, he handed me the flowers.

"I'll be back a little bit later when you finish your shift. I'm taking you out for dinner tonight. My treat." Then he winked and I heard a soft gasp from one of the girls on my team. Apparently, he had been just loud enough - as he'd hoped to be - and had received the exact reaction that we both wanted. Junseok flashed her a smile before turning back to me and touching my hand across the counter. "These are for later, by the way." I had no doubt that they were. He and my sister were incredibly vocal about their relationship so it was only natural for them to be using satin sheets and making a huge scene about it in front of other people. I'm sure that my parents would find out about it too, and chances were, all of her friends would be aware of the planned night of passion. It would be her reward for doing so well at work, just like the meal was our reward for supporting her. Junseok grazed his fingertips over the back of my hand for a lingering second, then made his way out of the shop again. He walked with an air that told me he knew exactly what he'd done and how much he'd achieved by doing it, and I wanted to shake my head in his direction. Saying that, though, I knew that he'd done me a huge favour and I was relieved by that.

It changed a lot in a few short seconds. He had gone from being someone who was in the back of my mind to someone who had swooped in to save me again. My colleagues were discussing the fact that I had a new boyfriend - especially Kim Hansol and the girls - and nothing could have been better timed. Of course, our closest friends knew that there was still something between Seungcheol and I, and the majority knew that Junseok was my sister's boyfriend and not mine, but they were happy to cover for me. After all, it was hardly a secret that Hansol had been bothering me about everything that had gone on between Seungcheol and I whilst he was engaged to be married to someone else. What was happening between Seungcheol and I at that point in time wasn't happening behind his wife's back, as it had been in all of Seungcheol's other relationships, and that was what made it different. Had it been the case that we were having an affair and she didn't actually know about it, I figured that it would have been a completely different story and some moral warriors would have gotten in the way, but the make-pretend game with my sister's boyfriend was absolutely fine at that point in time.

Our friends even made sure to put on a show when Junseok came to pick me up at the end of the day. They made sure to chat with him, as if they'd known that we were "dating" for months and were very comfortable around him, and then they made sure to point me out to him when I was making my way through the shop. He greeted me with a kiss on the cheek, just to make it seem that little bit more realistic, then promptly led me in the direction of my sister's workplace so that we could go to the restaurant together. Then, when we arrived, the three of us ate and drank together before parting ways for the night. They had their own place and so did I, so it only made sense for us to grant each other the privacy of our own homes.

Well, by that I mean that I _could_ have gone to my own home. I was free to do so, and my sister actually suggested that it was a good idea to go home and get rest. But you didn't think I'd go for a full chapter without Seungcheol worming his way into it, did you? Of course, his wife was working a night shift and was due to be out of the house until about ten o'clock the following morning, so it was only natural that I went to his place instead. I told him about everything that had gone down at work and how much I hated working there because there was always drama, and so he told me that his workplace was hiring. It was going to be a mistake for us to work in the same building, naturally, since we would find every excuse to drip our love all over his office, but there were places elsewhere in Seoul that I could apply for and he would be sure to put in a good word for me.

"I don't think I'm ready for another workplace scandal," I told him with a smile, and Seungcheol promptly batted at me with a hand.  
"It wouldn't happen like that and you know it." I couldn't really say that I _did_ know it, admittedly, but I guessed he would be a lot more careful in that workplace. He wanted to give a good impression and so he wasn't just going to let himself get caught sleeping with another member of staff like that. Especially when everyone knew that he was married. And even more so because they were already in the know about the fact that his fractured penis had come as a result of a drunken one-night stand, following the break-up from his fiancee. Of course, they didn't know all of the details and probably assumed that he'd slept with a prostitute or stripper, but that didn't mean that they wouldn't be on the look-out for any hints that he might be a serial cheater.

The topic changed shortly afterwards. We started talking about everything that was going on in his life. It was primarily because it calmed me down. Secondarily, I couldn't bring myself to talk about my own life anymore. It was bland and boring and being with Seungcheol on his sofa with a glass of wine each was the extent of both my romantic life _and_ my sex life.

He told me about everything that was happening to him at work. They were incredibly busy and his secretary was sending him more and more paperwork every day so that they could find new clients and increase their reach across Korea. He would look at the clock when he first got into the office, then he would blink and a whole seven hours would have passed. More often than not, he would miss his lunch break because he would simply forget to look at the time. So he was having to start setting an alarm on his watch so that he would know when he should eat. It was absolutely bizarre, he told me, for a man of his age to forget to eat like that. Perhaps it was a sign that he was ageing too fast.

Then he moved on and told me about his family life. His father was unwell, having caught a respiratory disease. They weren't too worried about him, since he appeared to be pulling through pretty well and was incredibly responsive to the medication that they were giving him, but that didn't mean that he was going to get better any quicker. He was a smoker for thirty years and had only quit around three years ago, at that point in time, so it was only natural that his body wasn't healing as quickly as it could have done if he'd not touched a cigarette in his life. Of course, Seungcheol told me this whilst he had a cigarette between his lips, but I chose not to comment on it.

Finally, Seungcheol gave me news on his marriage. They were going to actively try for children, since they thought it was time to do it after being married so long, but he still didn't know how he felt about it. After all, whilst he was still very certain that he wanted to have kids of his own, it was a bit of a bittersweet situation at that point in time. They were both doing well at work and they didn't really want that to slow down because they were having a child together. They weren't spending as much time together as they wanted because they were working long hours, and I was probably sleeping with Seungcheol more than his wife was. But she insisted that it was the right step forward and he didn't want to argue with that. Those with children got special adjustments put in place in her area of work, she said, so it would ultimately mean that they would have more time to be a couple later on down the line.

It was all fine, though, he told me. It didn't mean anything for my relationship with him. As much as he could see that I was disappointed about the fact that he was going to be starting a family with her, he just wanted me to know that his wife actually suggested that if he was stressed about it, he was more than welcome to visit me and blow off steam. As if that was something that made me feel better.


	49. Chapter 49

I'm going to be completely honest with you, I really didn't think that it would take all that long for Seungcheol and his wife to have a child. And I was absolutely right. When they were trying actively, they managed to create a baby within two months. _Two months._ I was the first person Seungcheol told about it, when his wife was just five weeks along, and I could tell that even though he claimed that he was still unsure, he was actually incredibly excited. He wanted to be a father. He was looking forward to having a little one in the house and he was glad that it was happening whilst he was still in his early thirties. It was just like he wanted it to be, and that absolutely crushed my heart. I decided, at that point, that I wished I'd said something about it to him before he'd had the chance to marry her. I wished I'd told him that I wanted to have a family with him. Of course, I still wasn't fond of the idea of having a child at all, but I would have forced myself to do it for him. Anything was better than feeling bad because I could see him starting to get his life together with a woman instead of me.

But I sucked it up. I dealt with it like an adult because that was all I could do. Besides, I was getting a lot out of it. When she was in the early stages of her pregnancy, it was absolutely obvious that she was carrying to anyone who didn't see her on a daily basis. That was because her ankles started swelling up as soon as she had missed her period. Only her ankles, mind you, but that was what mattered. She was having to do more managerial tasks at work because she couldn't be on her feet for too long, and they were having to strap compression wraps and ice to her legs in an attempt to get it to go down. Of course, she wasn't really going to go to a doctor and complain about it because she actually know what the problem was and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it, but the biggest issue was that it left her feeling absolutely exhausted by the time she got home. She would collapse on the sofa and wouldn't move until it was time for bed.

That meant that I ended up getting the odd call from her here and there. "Can you come over and do something with Seungcheol, please? I've had a rough day at work and I don't think that I can do it tonight but I promised him that I would at least touch him for a bit and I don't want to let him down," she would say. Every time I would try to tell her that Seungcheol would understand that she was unable to do that sort of thing - after all, he was the one who got her pregnant so he had to take responsibility for that and if it meant not getting sex, so be it - but she shot me down every time. She didn't care if he would understand; he wanted someone to come over and pleasure him on her behalf. She was as stubborn as he was about everything and even threatened to get a prostitute to come over and sleep with him for her. Of course, I ended up agreeing to do it after that. Besides, it wasn't as if I was unwilling exactly. I just didn't want to step on her toes by becoming his go-to person if he was in the mood for something physical.

So I did what I had to do. Every time she summoned me, I would make my way to their house and I would do whatever he wanted. Sometimes, it would take place in front of her. Sometimes, it would be a very private affair. It all depended on how everyone else was feeling on that particular day. I was essentially their pawn, filling in the gaps in their relationship because I didn't have my own to go back to every night. Now that I'm past that and have taken the time to think about everything that went down, I do really think that I was being taken advantage of by them. They knew that I was willing to do anything for Seungcheol so they got me in to let him use my body for whatever he wanted to do, whenever he wanted to do it. I think it was a bit of a mistake to do it, especially since the main condition was that we didn't have feelings for each other, but I was happy enough at the time so I continued with it throughout the pregnancy.

Every week, Seungcheol's wife would show more signs of pregnancy. Her stomach began to get rounder. Her ankles swelled up more. She had a brief period of morning sickness, although it wasn't nearly as bad as his ex-fiancee's experience with it. It soon came the time where she had to go for her scan but Seungcheol was snowed under by his work. His boss had insisted that he could have the time off to go to the scan with her but there was no one else to take over the work that he would fall behind on and the longer he left it, the more likely it was that they would lose clients. And he couldn't risk letting that happen. Not after he'd spent so much time trying to convince them to move their assets over to his company. So he sent me in his place. He said that his wife and I could spend some time shopping afterwards and then he slipped me _three million won_ to buy myself things. That was over half a month's wage for him and more than my _full_ month's wage.

I tried to reject the money but he insisted that I take it. After all, it wasn't just for shopping. It was for taking his position and going to the hospital with his wife. It was for doing something that was very much out of my comfort zone, since he knew that I still wasn't fond of children. It was for us to get a good lunch at a good restaurant without having to worry about the cost of it. And then, of course, it was for me to get something nice to wear for the next time he took me out at the very least. If I wasn't going to accept it, he said, he would put it into my bank account and I wouldn't be able to reject it that way. I would simply have to deal with the fact that it was there. So naturally, I ended up begrudgingly accepting it and taking it along with me, in hopes that I would be able to hand back whatever I didn't spend.

First on our list of things to do that day was to go to the hospital. I'd never been to see an ultrasound scan before in my life but I found that I was strangely excited. Seungcheol's wife held my hand the entire time as we waited to be called in, and only squeezed tighter as we made our way into the room. The nurse there greeted us both and then asked if I was the father of the child. Of course, Seungcheol's wife gave a smile and told her that I was _their_ best friend and I was there for support whilst her husband was at work. She explained about it being a busy time for him and that he was absolutely devastated that he couldn't make it to the scan, but she hoped that he would be able to attend the second one instead. The nurse smiled brightly at me as she informed me that she was happy that someone came along with Seungcheol's wife, since it always made the moment that bit more magical, and then she promptly asked if she was okay to get on with the scanning process.

Now, I'd never seen a scan taking place before. I always thought that it would take a bit of adjustment and skilled positioning of the device to get the image up on the screen but as it turned out, the nurse simply squeezed on the gel before putting the device on her lower abdomen and suddenly, the image came up on the screens in front of us. We could see the baby that she was having with Choi Seungcheol there on the screen, and the sight of it made my heart clench right away.

Within a matter of seconds, I had completely changed my mind about having a child with Seungcheol. I wanted to be in her position. I wanted to be the person who was going to be raising the baby with him. It was no longer the case that I couldn't stand the thought of having children whatsoever; the image on the screen just made it so real that they were going to be having a child together that I couldn't help myself. This was very different from seeing it in a printed image. As the nurse ran the device over her lower stomach, we could see the fuzzy outline of the baby and it was moving. It turned over inside of her and shuffled around here and there. The nurse said that it was a very active baby, especially at just eleven weeks and five days old. The little bean-shaped blob didn't stop moving for even a second and I instantly felt myself feeling a lot happier about being there. Apparently, Seungcheol's wife noticed that and she made sure to ask me whether I suddenly wanted to settle down and have a baby with someone now. So I told her that I did, barely holding myself back from telling her that I wanted it to be with her husband in the process.

For the rest of the day, the thoughts of the baby were on my mind. Seungcheol had created a child with someone else and that child was going to be the most beautiful baby in the entire world. They had the most amazing father that any kid could have, and I really hoped that they knew that I wanted to be their mother more than I could possibly describe. Of course, I wasn't prepared to get in the way of Seungcheol and his wife, especially now that they were actually taking their relationship to the next step and settling down, but that didn't mean that I was going to back off completely. I would be there on the sidelines, gradually becoming the cool uncle who got to help out here and there. And if it turned out that I loved the baby as much when it was born as I did when I saw it on the screen, I would hint to Seungcheol that I was ready to have a child with him if he ever happened to get a divorce.

Naturally, I know how horrible that is now. I don't need anyone to tell me how disgusting it is to be waiting patiently for your ex-boyfriend to leave his wife so that you can raise a litter of children with him. But at the time, I thought that it was the only way forward. I thought that it was my way of getting back into Seungcheol's life. I was absolutely certain that I was going to be able to get what I needed out of our relationship and that we would end up spending the rest of our lives together. Please excuse that, reader. I failed to think these sorts of things through logically, for starters, and secondly, I genuinely failed to see how disgusting it would have been for me to snatch him away from her and the baby so that I would be able to get whatever I wanted instead. I'm just glad that it didn't work out like that in the end.

Anyway, though, we actually ended up enjoying our day out together. We had a three-course lunch and afternoon tea, and we also managed to get a lot of new clothes. Seungcheol's wife got an expensive bag and shoes, along with a few dresses that would still fit her when her stomach swelled up even more. I, on the other hand, got clothes that were a little bit sexier. They were for my dates with Seungcheol, of course, but I played it off and pretended that it was for the dates I had with my male friends. Ones where we would go out drinking together and then I would accidentally end up in their beds. Such men never existed but it earnt a laugh from the girl, who promptly told me that she wanted to help me get more men in my life because she was certain that I deserved to have someone. She didn't think that it would be fair if I spent my life dealing with the affairs with Seungcheol and she did think that her husband needed to grow up at some point too, so she claimed that she was wishing me good luck for my time on those imaginary dates with top-class men who had full wallets and good taste in dining.

That day out with Seungcheol's wife was the last I saw of her for a few months. Since she had requested that Seungcheol tone it down with our fling - just so that she had a chance to sleep with him if she was in the mood to do so - we were left making things subtle. When she was working nights, I would stay at their place. If Seungcheol had booked a day off to deal with a boiler issue or wait for someone to do repairs on their home, I would stop by and have a sneaky fling with him. But if she was there, I wouldn't go to the house. In fact, if she said that Seungcheol needed someone, he ended up having to come to my place instead. I told her that seeing her stomach swelling was genuinely making me want to have a child and I couldn't hold those feelings back when I was in front of her, and she gracefully accepted that as truth, rather than a cover-up for the fact that I kept thinking about snatching her husband away with very little notice.

It meant that the next time I saw her, though, she had ballooned. She was around six or seven months pregnant by that point so it only made sense for her to have a huge bump but I found that I wasn't prepared for it at all. In fact, I didn't really know what to do with myself. It filled me with envy and it took all of my efforts not to announce to Seungcheol that I genuinely wanted to make him the father of my children. But I held it back and kept my mouth shut. I wasn't going to ruin a family when they were so close to getting the child that Seungcheol had always wanted. I had decided, by that point, that I would keep that little fact hidden until the baby was born, and so that I did. My mouth stayed sealed until I got the call from Seungcheol to say that his wife was in labour. At that point, I told him that I wished it was me instead of her, which earned a soft laugh in response. "You should've told me that months ago," he pointed out, although he didn't sound angry or patronising. He just sounded genuine. "I'll send you a message when she has the baby.

It took around four hours, but he eventually called back to say that she'd given birth to a daughter. A little girl called Chaeah. Choi Chaeah. She was pretty dainty for a baby but apparently, her face was very pretty. Her eyelashes were long and her face didn't screw up when she was being held, and she seemed to be more happy about the fact that she had been brought into the world than anything. He had stepped outside for a cigarette break, since his wife had near enough shredded his hands with her nails whilst she was in labour and now she was resting with the baby. He also wanted to talk to me about the fact that I'd announced my desire to have a child with him. I felt my heart skip a beat immediately and my mouth went dry. "It's okay, it's nothing to worry about," I told him, trying my hardest to make it sound as if I was happy just to know about his daughter's birth. "It's nothing that we have to talk about, especially not on a day as happy as this."

"No, it's something that I want to address. I can tell you that I'd happily have a child with you too and I'm not actually sure how soon the day we'll have the chance to do that is. You see, my wife and I have been arguing a lot lately and I'm concerned that having an infant around the house will only make things worse. Does that make sense?" Of course it made sense, but I didn't really like the suggestion that he was going to end up leaving his wife again, so soon after he'd had a child with her. Whilst this case was different and he wasn't treating her as he'd done his ex-fiancee, it did still make him look as if he was the sort of person to dump a baby on a person then leave. Perhaps he had commitment issues or something, I mused, or maybe it was simply a result of the fact that he rushed into relationships before he'd had the chance to get to know people. I'd never know. I didn't really know whether I wanted to know either.

"Do you think it's best if I take a few days away from her and the baby, or will that only aggravate things even more?" he asked. His voice was soft, as if he was genuinely unsure as to whether he should be asking that sort of question. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. As much as I wanted him to myself, I wasn't so selfish that I would suggest he leave his wife and newborn infant for a few days. Not only would that be incredibly irresponsible on his part, but it would also be incredibly irresponsible on mine, too.  
"No. You need to be there for her. If you argue, consider the fact that things are going to be a bit hard in the beginning. You're new parents and you're stressed and no matter how much you've been arguing over the past few weeks, the last thing you really need is to create further space between you. She's not going to be able to take care of Chaeah on her own. She needs to have you there to give her support."

I was firm on that decision. Seungcheol tried to argue against it to start with, but I wasn't prepared to let him win that time. After all, to leave his wife to pick up the pieces was to snatch away her chances of doing anything for herself. Sleeping, eating, showering. It was impossible to do that sort of thing when she was on her own with an infant. Even if the baby was to go to sleep, there was very little that she could actually get done. That was why he couldn't walk out on her. Plus there was the fact that she probably wasn't going to be able to forgive him if he did that. She probably wasn't going to be able to fix things with him because his actions would be absolutely out of the question, and so their relationship would end up breaking down completely. That was the last thing either of them really needed at that point in time, and so I didn't want to let him get that thought into his mind. As soon as he did, there would be no stopping Choi Seungcheol. He would be sabotaging his own relationship and he would end up divorced right away.

Now, whilst you'd usually expect things to clear up after a couple of weeks as they settled into the role as new parents, it turned out that things only got worse between them. I wouldn't have ever guessed that it would get to be that bad. After all, you'd anticipate that the joy of having a new baby around the house would help them to fix their issues pretty damn quickly but the couple only started to bicker more and more often with every passing day. Sometimes, I would go to the house so that I could fulfil Seungcheol's physical desires, due to the immense amount of stress that being a new parent put him under. And I would end up having to go home before we'd even finished because they would end up in a fight whilst I was in bed with him. It was absolutely ridiculous and it made me more uncomfortable than I cared to explain, but there was very little that I could actually do about it. It wasn't my relationship and it wasn't my place to say anything to them about it, and so I simply had to leave and then await the apology text that would come later.

Then, one day, that text didn't arrive. Even after three hours, I was waiting for Seungcheol to send that apology text for causing a scene in front of me. I even checked my phone a couple of times to see if I'd just missed the notification, but it didn't come through at all. In fact, it took a total of nine hours for any sort of message from Seungcheol and that message wasn't even an apology in itself. It was actually a phone call, even though it was four o'clock in the morning. I was asleep by that point in time, since I was supposed to be in work the following morning, but I answered the call anyway. "Hey, I'm outside. Do you mind letting me stay for the night?" His voice was soft and defeated and naturally, I couldn't bring myself to reject him when he was already at my front door. So I pulled myself out of bed, not even bothering to cover my boxers with bed trousers, then went to the door. And sure enough, Seungcheol was there when I opened it.

"Thank you," he said softly as he came into the house. His shoes were toed off and then he motioned for us to go to my bedroom without even offering an explanation. His clothes were removed until he was down to his boxers, and then he promptly climbed into bed with me. I allowed him to cuddle close to me, expecting that we would simply go to sleep and talk about it in the morning, but my mind was suddenly awake and apparently, so was his. I turned my head to look at him, only to see that he was laid with his eyes open, and so I gently ran a hand through his hair in hopes that it would comfort him.  
"Do you wanna tell me what happened?" I asked. For a second, Seungcheol didn't answer. His eyes didn't even shift an inch. In fact, he looked completely numb inside. I didn't know what to make of it. After all, he looked so hurt that I guessed their argument probably escalated but I couldn't really tell what the extent of the damage was. Not when he looked so calm but emotionally destroyed.

It took him a while to finally speak but even then, his eyes didn't focus. "She said she wants a divorce. That I'm causing more problems than she needs in life."  
"Hey," I told him as I pressed a kiss to his forehead. "I'm sure that it's just an overreaction. She should be fine in the morning. I'm sure she's just a little bit emotional because it's really early in the morning and you've been arguing for a while." It was only then that he actually looked me in the eye, although I half wished he'd continued to stare into space. All of a sudden, his voice was firm and assured and it made me anxious.  
"No, she wants a divorce. We've been talking about it for almost a month already - since just after Chaeah was born. But tonight, it's real. She found out that we had sex on both the day of my stag party and again on our wedding night and she basically told me what she thought of me. Apparently, our daughter can't have someone like me around to influence her opinions of what's right and wrong, since I have no moral compass."

"Seungcheol," I breathed. My mind flooded with a thousand things that I wanted to say to him but none of the words formed coherent sentences. And the more I thought about it, the worse it got. I couldn't figure out how to explain how sorry I was for the fact that I'd encouraged him to sleep with me on some of the more intimate days of his life. But he shook his head anyway and moved closer so that he could bury his face in my chest.  
"You know, I don't think it's fair. She can't withdraw the consent for us to sleep together after we've done it, just because she doesn't like that we did it." His voice came out muffled and almost childish. I gave a soft sigh and began to stroke his hair, much like I would do if he really was a child.  
"I have to agree when it comes to your stag party, since she knew that it was just us going out together and didn't explicitly tell you that we couldn't do that. But I have to admit, maybe it was a bit much for us to push it on your wedding day."

"You think so?" he asked as he lifted his head up again. I could see the fire in his eyes and it scared me a little bit. "Because I don't think anything really changed back then. You know, she let us continue after we got married and besides, it served as a form of stress relief for me. I was nervous about having dinner with her parents and that's why I went ahead with it. It wasn't a personal attack, yet she acts--"  
"But you were getting _married_ to her that day," I protested before realising that I was getting a bit too passionate about the topic. I could see the disappointment on Seungcheol's face, so my only option was to clarify exactly what I meant before he lost trust in me. "I mean, I just feel that maybe we shouldn't have taken it that far because I know that the day was supposed to be perfect for you both. And I understand that for you, that sort of thing made it perfect, but I guess she didn't count for that sort of thing. She just thought that you would give your entire being to her that day."

He still wasn't satisfied by the answer but I guess he found it a little bit more comforting to know that I wasn't entirely against him. It was merely a matter of differing opinions on his and his wife's part. It didn't necessarily mean that her feelings were unjustified and it didn't mean that Seungcheol didn't have the right to be upset about the change in standard without her explicitly telling him that we couldn't be together that day. And besides, it wasn't as if she knew at the time so it didn't really affect her on the day and should've stayed like that. "If you don't mind me asking, how did she find out?" I asked him once we'd put the main argument to one side. A weak smile spread across his lips right away and his eyes grew even sadder, and then he let out a little sigh as he ran a hand through his hair.  
"Well, she mentioned the alarm sounding to someone I work with and they told her that it was bullshit, so she decided to go digging for every other situation where I might have been lying to her or withholding information. And let me tell you, the girl is amazing at finding these sorts of things out. She told me about the fact that we'd been caught on security cameras having sex in the changing rooms, and that the bar we went to had footage of us all over each other. And she just pieced it together like that."

According to Seungcheol, she was aware of the fact that our affair wasn't simply sexual from all of that. She knew that we had feelings for each other and that was where things got difficult. And as much as he'd tried to convince her otherwise and argued that the feelings we used to have for each other were gone, there was nothing that he could really do to change her mind. The damage was done and she wasn't accepting lies anymore. _That_ was the full story of why she was planning on divorcing him. Their daughter didn't need a man who lied and cheated in her life. She didn't need to grow up thinking that his behaviour was acceptable and that a man was allowed to pretend that he just wanted to sleep with other guys in order to explore his "bisexual tendencies" when the fact of the matter was that he wanted someone else to woo whilst his wife wasn't around.

All in all, that one argument ruined everything for him. It snatched away his dreams of having a family when he was already there - since his wife didn't want him to have any contact with their daughter at all - and left him with rubble to build his tower back up again. And it was my fault entirely. If I'd just cut it off before we delved too deep, we wouldn't have had that problem at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter almost two weeks ago now and I was going to wait until I'd posted chapters of other fics first, since I have my order and all, but work has been incredibly, incredibly busy and I've been unable to write for over a week now. The shifts are six to nine hours long (which doesn't sound like a lot but I stock a 13,000 square foot shop in a team of three per day and it's very physical), six days a week, with two hours of travel per day too. I wanted to get my existing works finished before Christmas but I doubt it'll happen now so please be patient for me!!
> 
> Thank you for reading and for staying with me during this time of awful adult jobs, sleep deprivation and a severe lack of motivation to do anything!! <3


	50. Chapter 50

I didn't think that Seungcheol and his wife would actually go ahead with the divorce but as it turned out, she wasn't prepared to back out of it.

Even when she told him three or four nights in a row that she regretted resorting to divorce so quickly, she wasn't going to bother revoking it. She thought that they were better apart and that was the end of the discussion. In fact, she even told him that she thought we would make a better couple than they did. She said that since he seemed to be so in love with me that he was sleeping with me on a near daily basis, he really needed to reconsider whether his feelings for me were genuinely gone or not. After all, most people don't sleep with their ex-boyfriends like that. Most people don't have a sneaky romp with their ex-boyfriend on their wedding day, nor do they do it as often as we did when they had a newborn baby in the house. She understood that he was stressed, apparently, but that didn't mean that everything was in the clear. In fact, if I was his go-to person, she was pretty certain that his feelings were deeper than he thought they were and that he really needed to sit down with me to discuss it.

So he did. He was absolutely distraught when he heard the accusation but we both knew that she was right. We both knew that we were still in love with each other and that was why he couldn't hold a healthy relationship with anyone else. In fact, we were both sure that it was why _I_ couldn't hold a healthy relationship either. After all, I was around twenty-eight years old at that point in time and I hadn't achieved much in my life. By my age, my parents had two children, a house and solid, well-paying jobs. At that age, I was still unsure about whether I wanted to have a family or not, I was living in a house that I was renting and didn't outright own, and my job was far from what I needed in order to live comfortably and have savings building up in the background. Given that I couldn't do any of those other things, was it really a stretch that I couldn't have a functional relationship either?

We were both a bit reluctant to have that chat. We knew that it would end in one of two ways. Either we would end up with some bad blood between us or we would end up sleeping together. That's how our interactions worked. We couldn't have anything in moderation because it simply wouldn't work out how we planned it to work out. It didn't matter, though. We had to do it anyway. So we made the time and sat down where we could have our chat - a time when we were both free and didn't have any other responsibilities taking over in our minds - and then we talked it out. We let absolutely every feeling just pour out and we listened to each other all the way through. It was as much of a learning experience as it was a chance for us to discover whether or not we genuinely had feelings for each other, and it made us both feel a lot better about everything by the time we finished.

What, you didn't think I was serious, did you?

No, it was awkward and uncomfortable. Seungcheol threw us in the deep end right from the start and I suddenly felt as if I was suffocating. "Do you love me, Jeonghan?" he asked. We both knew that he was actually asking me if I was _in_ love with him, but it went without saying that that was the case. I didn't need him to clarify that. But I found right away that my voice clammed in my throat. I didn't know what to say. So he repeated it again, a little bit firmer that time. His eyes were locked on mine in a way that was both intimidating and uncomfortable, and it sent a shiver down my spine right away. "Do you love me, Jeonghan?"  
"Yes, I do." I said it without hesitation and I was glad that I did. Had I hesitated even slightly, it wouldn't have sat right with him. He would have asked all sorts of questions. But since I was so assured by it all, he wasn't going to try to pry more information out of me. He knew that I was telling the truth and that didn't need interrogation.

"Do you love _me_?" I asked him in return. He gave a nod and I raised an eyebrow. "I want to hear it out loud."  
"Jeonghan, I love you more than I could even start to tell you. I would give you everything and anything. I'm so in love with you that it..." And then he stopped himself. He bit his lower lip and looked at me in silence. Apparently, it was too much too fast. It had all come out at once before he had the chance to stop himself. I could see why it would bother him, though. He was still in the process of getting a divorce and to admit that he was in love with someone else at such a vulnerable time in his life was something that confused him; something that left him feeling as if his entire relationship with her was a mistake. I could see that in his eyes. His eyes told the stories of how everything felt awful inside his body; of how he couldn't handle the emotional burden of it and he was suddenly second-guessing his life choices and how he wished that he could just go back in time and re-evaluate the weight he placed on feelings of love, lust and infatuation.

The beauty of normality is that you don't know you've reached that point until it comes at you. You don't know that your life is normal until little things get in the way. For us, we had a normal relationship in the beginning. We could have had a normal relationship in the end, too. If you think about it, same-sex couples usually can't conceive children naturally, so it was normal for us to be childless. And even in today's society, same-sex couples can't marry in so many areas of the world, so it was normal for us to be unmarried too. It just happened to be the case that those things meant a lot to Seungcheol. They were symbols of relationship status. A wedding band told the world that we were committed to each other and a child represented the love that we would have shared in order to create, or adopt, a small human. I suppose that our relationship would have been normal either way, depending on how we looked at it, but our ultimate rejection of each other's idea of "normality" was what led us astray.

Now Seungcheol had many ex-girlfriends, an ex-fiancee, an ex-wife, a dead son and a living daughter, whom he wasn't allowed to see. That had all come as a direct result of our choices when we were together. And if you think about it, it's ridiculous. It shouldn't have been like that at all. Either we should have committed to each other completely and formed a healthy, functional relationship as two adults, or we should have completely stepped away from each other so that we didn't end up causing something like this. I suppose, if you look at it, we had caused a sort of butterfly effect, although I'm not quite sure of whether you can call it that if it's something linked to our direct future. Our problems in our relationship led to problems in other aspects of our social relationships and that was where we landed in the end.

"Do you think it makes sense for us to be in love with each other?" I asked him softly, putting particular emphasis on the fact that it could have been perceived as odd for us to still be like this when it had already put us in such a bad position. Seungcheol thought about it for a moment - seriously considered it for a good minute or two - and then promptly gave a shrug.  
"I don't think it makes sense to the world, but I think it does make sense to me. I'm in love with you and I can't think of anyone else who I'd like to spend the rest of my life with, if I'm being honest with you. I want to be the man who wakes up with you every morning and goes to bed with you every night and I just... I don't know whether it's going to work out well if we do that." And as much as I hated to know his true feelings, I had to agree with him. I didn't know whether it was going to work out well for us either. As much as I wanted to be with him too, we had to think about it realistically. And chances were, it would be a stupid decision if we chose to rekindle our romance.

Saying that, though, it didn't mean that we didn't try to make things work in one way or another over the first few months of his divorce. Seungcheol moved in with me and he stopped looking after himself as well as he did when he was married, so I took it upon myself to make things feel a bit more like home for him. Not in the sense that I did the things his wife did for him, but in the sense that I did what I felt I ought to do in order to make him feel welcome in my house. Those tasks included, but were not limited to, making him meals throughout the day, changing my shift patterns so that I was always home first and could look after him properly, and helping him out with the basic tasks that were necessary for his health and wellbeing when the divorce got the better of him. After all, you can't always be okay and I understood that. I understood it completely. And I couldn't blame him for feeling bad about everything that was going on in his life.

So the bedsheets were changed every two days, just so that he didn't feel dirty when two of us were between the sheets. I helped him to shower and wash his hair when his mental health got so bad that he couldn't bring himself to get clean. I took him out for long walks through the city, just so that he would be able to get some fresh air and move his legs, and then we would occasionally stop for coffee somewhere too. Those things were quite small but they helped him to get a grip of the other things. He could brush his own teeth and shave his own face. He could feed himself without having to be babied in that area too, and he sometimes came to me for cuddles instead of staring mindlessly at a wall for hours on end. And whilst he certainly didn't improve overnight, I watched as he started looking less anxious and less depressed until he was able to call his ex-wife to arrange the important aspects of the divorce without feeling so overwhelmed that he would make an excuse not to do it and put it off for the rest of the week.

That was a huge thing, actually. It doesn't sound like a lot but I knew that whilst he was in love with me, he was also in love with her too. A person can't just marry someone for the sake of it when they didn't have any ties to keep them together. Having a child was a different matter - like when he was with his ex-fiancee and agreed to marry her for the sake of their unborn child - but Seungcheol had more autonomy in this case. Of course, there was still a little bit of pressure to rush into marriage with her but it wasn't as much pressure as was when he'd managed to get a girl pregnant. On top of all of this, there was also the fact that he had to make a lot of calls to her - several a week, in fact - and that she would allow him to sit on the phone with Chaeah for a little while too. In my opinion, it was in poor taste, but I couldn't say anything about it. It wasn't my place to do so and the last thing I wanted to do was upset Seungcheol by bringing it up.

It just seemed to me that his ex-wife was using the baby against Seungcheol. Not directly to start with, but in a way that would gradually get him attached only to rip her away again in the future. You see, she was okay with him talking to her on the phone when she was little and non-verbal but from the minute she thought their daughter was starting to develop memories and would be able to recognise him to be her father, she didn't want him to call her anymore. She said that she had already said that she didn't want him to be in the picture and whilst she was a lot more comfortable with Seungcheol by the time they were having phone conversations with each other, that bit seemed to stick. It was just too much to explain to her, she said; the last thing their daughter needed to know was that her parents' relationship crumbled because her father was sleeping with another man, but her mother had given him permission to sleep with that man and simply assumed that he wouldn't have the audacity to sleep with him on their wedding day.

I knew that it was going to crush him to go through that. Even though he wouldn't have heard her voice or anything, I knew for a fact that he would crumble as soon as he was told that he couldn't talk to her. That he would spend the rest of his life sat on his hands, waiting for his daughter's curiosity to get the better of her. He would hope that she would go searching for him and that they would have a beautiful reunion and that they would be positively happy knowing that they were a part of each other's lives again. But there was no guarantee that that would happen. I've had friends who went through that. _We_ had friends who went through that. Take Wonwoo and Seokmin, for example. Seokmin met his birth father and really enjoyed the experience, whereas Wonwoo's birth father got in contact with him and Wonwoo pretended not to notice the message. "If he really loved me, he would have tried earlier," he told us when we brought it up with him. "My mother didn't stop him from talking to me when I was in middle school and she deemed me old enough to make my own decisions. But he waited until I was twenty-six and I don't like the fact that he didn't bother for so long."

Now, I feel that those things get even harder if one parent lies about things. That's not to say that his ex-wife would lie about him to their daughter, but it's not to say that she wouldn't either. A simple comment could change everything in a child's eyes. "He was in love with another man," sounds like an innocent enough comment but to a child, that can mean that he didn't love them enough to pick them above his lover. "He and mommy kept arguing," doesn't sound too bad but then again, a child might think that they were arguing so soon after her birth because she was the issue. "Sorry, he can't come to your birthday party," suggests that he was told about it and outright rejected it. You see, the choice in words might have subtle connotations but they mean the world to someone who is easily influenced by semantics and connotations in the world around them.

Anyway, it led us to discuss the topic a little bit more when we were alone. Not just the topic of his child and the possibility of seeing her again in the future but also the topic of us having a family. We always knew that it would come back up again - it was just a matter of time and that was it really. After all, if we'd already sat down to talk about whether or not we were in love with each other and whether we thought that being together was a wise decision, it was only natural that the boundaries of our relationship came up again. And I have to say, it _was_ a lot different to the other times that we'd discussed it. It felt a lot more comfortable and I had more reasons for my feelings about the topic, rather than a flat-out rejection of all of the things that he was suggesting for our future. I knew how I felt about it all and I had a feeling that my fears and concerns were perfectly justified by the words that I was saying to him.

"I'm going to be honest with you," I told him, "I've been incredibly jealous both times you've had a baby on the way. Incredibly, incredibly jealous. Both times, I've had this overwhelming urge to have a child with you, and I want nothing more than to be able to hold your baby in my arms as you tell me that we make a beautiful family." I watched as his expression changed from one of surprise to one of happiness, and then one of adoration. His eyes were soft and warm, like butter that was melted under the sun, and I could have fallen in love with that reaction alone. Had I not already been in love with him before that, I knew that I would have been his straight after he'd looked at me like that. Of course, though, I had to ruin it before we had the chance to be happy with my answer. "Saying that, though, I'm worried about it. I feel that if I commit to having a child with you, it'll ruin the fantasy. We'll have a baby to look after and I'll be unsure again. But I won't be able to take it back because it'll be our tiny human. Likewise, I'm scared that if we ended up breaking off our relationship, it'll cause huge problems for the child and I don't want to put you through what your ex-wife is putting you through right now."

And his expression dropped, just like that. He didn't know how to reply to that. After all, there were two sides to every coin and I'd given him both to consider. The sweet side that involved us wanting to be together and taking every last step in our relationship, and the side where it could all go wrong and we would be left with a tiny human who we were both responsible for and neither of us really knew how to approach. He could tell that I didn't want to break the fantasy that I'd created in my mind, in which we were bitterly in love and couldn't bear to let another person get near to our love and the only real option for progression was for us to be together, but it couldn't stay like that for the rest of our lives either. Fantasies either need to be dropped, or they need to turn into a reality. And it was up to me to decide what I wanted. Seungcheol couldn't make that decision for me and I had to accept that it had to be all or nothing. No half-ways.

"Well, I don't know what to say now," he told me as he let out a long breath. His hand ran through his hair and he closed his eyes for a second, as if he was trying his hardest to come up with a solution for us. And he stayed like that for a solid minute or so. The words weren't coming to mind as well as he thought they would and that was his issue. It just wasn't as easy as coming up with a solution on the spot and putting it into action, as you might do if you're younger and more naive.

Eventually, though, something had to come out. He looked me in the eyes and asked if I wanted to play on the fantasy one more time. If I wanted to see how I felt about it when we were acting it out. If I slept with him and the thought of having a child with him felt right, then we could always make something of it when we had the chance to do so. If it felt off when we got to the end, however, perhaps it was time for us to cut our relationship short and go our separate ways. After all, how long was he supposed to wait for me? He'd already been waiting for me for near enough five years and if I still didn't know whether I wanted to have a baby with him then, what were the chances that I would ever decide that I wanted one with him? He shouldn't have had to put his happiness on hold for me for that long as it was, and it was unfair to expect him to continue to do that for me.

So I ended up agreeing to do it with him. He took me to our bedroom - the one we'd been sharing, since I always had an excuse as to why the spare bedroom couldn't be used - and then gently laid me down on the mattress. The way he did it was so delicate that I could tell the tone of the affair right away. I could tell that it was going to be just as gentle throughout; that Seungcheol was going to fill me with his love and not his passion. And that proved to be absolutely right when we got to it. He started out by undressing me incredibly slowly, taking care not to be so rough that my limbs flopped around the place, and then proceeded to bend me over the edge of the bed. He spread my ass slowly using his fingertips and used his mouth there, making sure to keep the gentleness as much as possible. His tongue grazed the skin more than it actually licked and he always made sure to monitor the way that I reacted so that he would be able to change how he used his tongue accordingly.

And then he was on top of me. He held my hands in his own and got to work, and he whispered sweet nothings into my ear as he did so. His lips brushed against the back of my neck and sent heat running up my spine, and his words did wonders for me too. It was just the little things - comments about how he wanted to make me his for good and how he wanted to be able to fill me with his baby - but those comments meant everything for us both. They were a mark of Seungcheol's feelings for me and a determination to make things work out between us. They were a mark of the relationship between us and a sign of our commitment to each other over the years, even when we hadn't been dating officially. It was also a suggestion that he was mine and I had the power to choose whether I wanted him to be mine or not and I loved that a lot. His fingers felt warm and welcoming against mine and I suddenly felt him starting to kiss up my neck as he pushed his pelvis against mine, and I would have happily had that as my last moment with him.

It only progressed further, though. Seungcheol started to breathe comments into my ear about how he wanted to put a baby inside of me. It sent shivers racing through my entire body and even more so when he started to go into the details. He wanted to see me swelling up with his child, and he wanted to be able to press kisses to the bump as it started to develop. He wanted to spend hours with me, picking out clothes for our baby and designing the nursery and choosing names. He knew that I particularly liked the names "Chungcha" and "Deoksu", though, so most of it would involve us pretending to consider other names. He wanted our first children to be given my favourite names because he was sure it would mean that they would love me the most and he wanted to have races every evening after work to see who could hug me first.

He left me wanting more when he started discussing the normal things; the things that we would do together. He told me about how he would take the kids to the park and teach them to ride their bikes. We'd have a picnic to celebrate and then get fast food for dinner to congratulate them on their success. We would speak to their teachers about their progress and sign them up to anything that they wanted to do for extracurricular activities. We weren't going to be those parents who forced our kids to take music lessons if they weren't that way inclined, and we wouldn't stop them from being dancers if they wanted that, even if it wasn't something that was respected the same as learning to play an instrument. We would let them learn languages and we'd take them on holidays to different countries, and we would basically give them the childhoods that we thought they deserved. From the weekend trips to the lazy days at home to the meals in restaurants; it was all going to be absolutely beautiful and we were going to have the most beautiful family life together.

Then he added what would happen when he finally asked me to marry him. At that point, I was flipped onto my back and a pillow was slipped under my lower back so that I was supported and we could lie face-to-face. Seungcheol's eyes glistened with happiness as he told me that he'd already planned out his proposal to me. He was going to make it so that I had the best day ever, doing all of the things that we like to do together, and then he would propose after we'd had dinner and we were in a quiet, secluded place where I didn't need to be embarrassed about other people overhearing that he wanted to marry me. It didn't put any pressure on me to give an answer, nor did it mean that I had to give an answer right there, but he hoped that it would mean that we would be able to see that a life spent together was absolutely worth it. 

I have to admit, I was tempted by the time we finished. I allowed him to hold me for a little bit and I spent the entire time thinking about whether that was the future I wanted. And I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want it. I couldn't think of anything that I wanted more than to have Seungcheol as my life partner after that but of course, there was still that little element of worry too. A little niggling feeling that perhaps I thought that I wanted him to be my husband and the father of our children because of that fantasy that we'd discussed when he was on top of me. I couldn't risk it just being idealistic; not when it was such a big life decision to make.

So I let him slip away. I told him that I wasn't sure about our future together - that I thought I would only make things worse if I told him that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life and then forced him to take it slowly when I'd already snatched away a good few years of his life as it was - and so I was making the decision to refrain from accepting his offer. I told him that if we were meant to be together, we would find a way to be together in the future. For now, though, it was time for us to part ways so that we could at least try to have a normal relationship with other people. It hurt to know that we had to do that but whilst we were still in contact with each other, there was no hope for us. We would only continue to make things difficult for each other and that would ultimately leave us having affair after affair and no chance at having a normal, functioning relationship with any other person.

Seungcheol was disappointed but he understood. He told me that he would find somewhere else to live as soon as possible and then he would change his phone number so that we weren't even tempted to contact each other again. As I said, there would be something to bring us back together if we decided that that was the way forward in the future, so there was no point in trying to force fate. He kissed me on the lips as gently as he could manage, and then we went to the bathroom to clean ourselves up. Everything was quiet between us but that was to be expected, and so we simply dealt with it as it came. 

That night was the last night that I held him whilst we slept and trust me when I say this: I would have given absolutely anything in the world to have not let go of him.


	51. Chapter 51

Nothing hurts more than seeing the man you love leaving your life after you sabotaged your relationship with him. Nothing. Everything else either comes as such a shock that you're emotionally numb to it, or you have time to either prepare or _re_ pair. But when you fail to fix what you've broken, you know that it's going to be a slippery slope that will continue to affect your life for years to come.

I almost considered asking Seungcheol to stay with me - almost told him that I'd changed my mind and wanted him back - but I really couldn't bring myself to do it when we got to his leaving day. I knew that it would be unfair to him to do something like that and make it seem as if I could handle the changes that would inevitably follow. And it's shit. Plain and simple, it's _shit_ knowing that you can't do anything about the fact that you've lost someone, and even more so when it's by your hand that they end up leaving you. You had the power to stop it and the world was your oyster, but you didn't and this is the consequence. All I could really do was help him to pack his things back up into the boxes, bags and suitcases that he arrived with and try my hardest to ignore the throbbing sensation in the pit of my stomach. It was a hard task, especially when I knew that we wouldn't even come in contact with each other again once he passed through the front door, but it had to be done for the sake of our happiness and future.

I think the thing that made it worse was that he was leaving so soon after we'd made the decision to part ways. We didn't have the time to gradually adjust to it because we were so set on making things right. On getting rid of everything between us before we ended up leaving with empty words. Goodbyes that we didn't even mean and an 'I love you' that was dry, even if we did actually mean it. I knew that Seungcheol feared that, especially since he'd managed to experience the happiness of a regular relationship and a life where I wasn't in a starring role; of having a new child and finally meeting her and feeling her tiny hand wrapped around one of his fingers. I knew that he wanted to be able to live a normal life with someone who had the same ideas of what was normal, and that if I couldn't be a part of that image, I couldn't be a part of his life at all. It was a tough decision for him to make - to leave me so suddenly and pack his bags the day after he made the decision - but it was for the best for him. His happiness would have been the most compromised if we stayed together for any longer, and so he had to be selfish for the moment. And I couldn't blame him whatsoever because I knew that he was absolutely right in doing so.

So we went through each room in turn, taking every single item that he owned. We started in the bedroom, since it was the biggest room and would take the most time, but it turned out to be a huge mistake shortly afterwards when Seungcheol started to find things that he'd forgotten about; things that brought back memories for us right away. Memories of us and all of the wonderful things that we did together, and all of the moments that would leave our hearts stinging a few years down the line, once we were convinced that we were over what we had. The first of these items was a little black box that he hadn't opened in months. He popped the lid open and then let out a soft noise, and so I turned my head to see him pulling out receipts and ticket stubs and a few miscellaneous items. "What are those?" I asked him softly, not really wanting to ruin the moment that he was having. Without breaking his eyes away from the items in his hands, he let out a satisfied sigh.  
"I guess they're souvenirs from our time together. From all of our dates and the places we went. See, this is the receipt from the restaurant we went to for our first anniversary. And these are the ones from the bar before we got together."

Now, Seungcheol is definitely the sort of man who is sentimental. He wants to keep more than just memories because he knows that even the significant memories fade away in your mind after a while. You can't remember everything in perfect detail, and you certainly can't remember every little exciting thing that happened without some sort of trigger, be it a smell or a word or the fact that you're visiting the place again in the future. So apparently, he collected all sorts of things from our dates so that he would be able to trigger the memories of us being together whenever he had the chance to do so. Ticket stubs from the times we went to the cinema together. Photos of us together that he printed out when he got home. A napkin that I wrote him a cheeky love note on one time. The receipts from our meals and a couple of little things too, like seashells and an empty carton of my favourite drink. I've never seen a guy collect so much junk in my life and genuinely want to keep it all but at the same time, I could really appreciate the fact that he kept it all to remind him of us.

And it actually made my heart ache, if I was being honest. It made me fall in love with him all over again. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him that I loved him, and I wanted to take him on another one of those dates so that I would be able to add something else to his memory box. Sure, it's not really the sort of thing that I would personally want to keep but I could see how happy it made him to open it up and have a look at everything that he had collected over time. Every little snapshot that told the story of us. So we ended up spending almost an hour looking through absolutely everything together and going through all of the details of our dates; sharing all of the memories that we had accumulated and making a wonderful time of it all. Which, in itself, would have been great, except we had to move on shortly afterwards and get back into the packing so that he could actually leave my house that same day before it got too dark and his parents were unable to pick him up and take him back to their place.

But you guessed it: it wasn't the only thing that made things difficult for us. There was always something that we found that would trigger some sort of discussion. We found a jumper that was still covered in little black hairs; one that he hadn't worn in a long time. "It has Nabi's fur all over it still," he pointed out as he folded it up and put it in his suitcase. "Remember when he used to sleep on our clothes when we didn't put them away immediately? And when we brought him home and he became the man of the house before we'd even adjusted to the fact that we had a pet around the house?" I gave a little nod and a weak smile.  
"I guess you'll be taking him with you, hm?" Right away, Seungcheol's smile faded. I think he could tell that I didn't want to lose both him and the cat but frankly, he'd spent more time with the animal than I had. He'd been living with Seungcheol since we broke up so it was only fair that he continued to live with him once we split for good.

"Don't worry; I'm not going to take away your wife, daughter, ex-boyfriend _and_ cat in the space of a few months," I told him when I saw that look on his face. As much as I loved the cat, I knew that they needed each other. Perhaps I would decide pretty quickly that I wanted to get back with him and I would end up getting to see him again in the future, I thought. It was a motivator to continue pushing through, if nothing else.  
"Are you absolutely sure?" he whispered into the air between us. "You know, I don't want to be that guy who stops you from seeing him anymore if you want him to be around still. He's your pet too." I shook my head and tried my hardest to make my smile look warm and genuine, even though I wasn't really feeling it. I needed him to feel as if I'd made up my mind and wasn't going to change it, even though I desperately wanted to keep Nabi to myself. "Thank you," Seungcheol said once he was sure that I was okay with it. "Thank you so much. I'll take good care of him and make sure that he has a good life. I hope that you'll get to see him again in the future, too."

The last bit was almost a suggestion that we would get to be together in the future, too. Almost, but not quite. He didn't want to say it in case it ruined our chances of being together in the future. He didn't want to jinx it and stop us from ever being able to have a future together. But we both knew that he wanted to be together again in the future. Heck, we knew that we _both_ wanted to be together in the future, so I didn't say anything that could possibly ruin our chances either. Instead, we simply gave the situation our acknowledgement before continuing with the packing. Which, again, continued until we happened to find something else. In this case, it was a hoodie that Seungcheol owned and I used to like. It was one that I wore to bed a lot, with nothing but boxers on underneath, and so it sparked our interest at the same time. Then his eyes drifted towards me, hesitant and shy, as he gripped the hoodie in a fist.

"Would you like to keep this?" he asked. "I don't like how tight it feels on my arms." It was a lie - I knew that he loved the hoodie, that it was expensive and that it didn't feel all that tight on his arms either - but I wasn't prepared to argue with him over it. I knew that he wanted me to have it and I wasn't going to ruin things by arguing with him over it. So instead, I gave a nod and pulled it on over my t-shirt before turning the sleeves into sweater paws. It was unnecessary but it made it feel that little bit cosier that way. Seungcheol watched me in silence for a moment before giving a happy little hum, and then he proceeded to run a hand through my hair. "You look cute in it," he said, "Much better than I ever did." Another lie, as far as I was concerned, but I guessed that he wouldn't necessarily agree with me when our tastes in men were vastly different like that. I thought that _he_ was cute and _I_ wasn't, whereas he thought that _I_ was cute and _he_ wasn't. Definitely a matter of tastes.

Then we moved on again but as you can probably imagine, it was a bit of a difficult task to keep coming back to these sorts of things. Every time we found something that held a little bit of significance for either of us, we were thrust into a minimum of ten minutes of thinking about the implications of it. Something that we didn't really need but both wanted. And whilst you'd probably expect that it would get better when we got to other rooms of the house, I can confirm that it really didn't. Do you understand how odd it is to be in the bathroom, thinking about the shampoos and soaps you used when you were in a romantic relationship with another person? Do you understand how weird it is to end up kissing someone because you thought of the first time you shared a shower with them and _really_ saw them naked for the first time? It's really weird but it was something that genuinely went down between us, and I think that those moments were the sorts that made it incredibly difficult for us to be able to get through the packing. 

Actually, let me be side-tracked for a moment before I continue with this story. I need to explain myself. On the topic of seeing each other naked for the first time, I'd just like to point out that the significant moment isn't when you first have sex with them. In those moments, you don't notice the flaws as much. You don't really see _them_ naked. You just see a body and then you touch skin with them. But then you have one of those moments where you're forced to be completely and utterly exposed in front of them - in a context that's neither sexy nor sexual - and then you suddenly get this strange and overwhelming feeling that you're exposed in front of them. And it's really odd, but it also makes sense. You're getting to pay attention to the various parts of their body and there's room for embarrassment because you know that they don't need to be nice about it anymore. You're not suddenly going to make comments during sex because it's a vulnerable position to be in and you don't want to make it worse. But it gets even worse when you don't have that bit of protection and I feel that that was why it was as big of a deal for us as it was. 

It was inevitably why it took us almost an hour to get his belongings out of my bathroom, funnily enough. Well, that and the fact that we almost ended up having sex when Seungcheol reminded us both of the steamy affairs that occurred in that bathroom. And all of the other bathrooms that we'd experienced as a couple. Between neck kisses and being pinned to the wall with my arms above my head and his hands on my wrists; between the awkward dryness that shouldn't have occurred when we were under the water and the fact that we had to keep a tub of coconut oil in the bathroom in case we needed it, to the fact that it shouldn't have been sexy for us to come out of it with water in our eyes and hair glued to our foreheads like that - all of the memories came flooding back to us and almost made us do things that we were trying so desperately not to do to each other. 

I won't lie and pretend that it wasn't difficult to stop ourselves at kisses and a cheeky grope. It was _incredibly_ difficult. But we knew where it would take us and as much as we might have felt that it was right in the moment, it would have ultimately left us in a much worse position later on down the line. So we picked ourselves up, shoved the last few bottles and tubes into a bag, and then made our way to the kitchen. And when we were there, we made sure to keep tingling fingers as far away from each other as possible. I kept to the cupboards and he went through the pile of trash on the kitchen table. Our eyes stayed off each other, out of fear that the urge would overwhelm one of us all over again, and we ended up keeping completely silent too, since we knew that we wouldn't end up pushing through if we dared to speak another word to each other. The kitchen was another prime area for late night affairs, especially in the home we had together, and so we couldn't risk going down that route again. 

Finally, we were in the main room. The last room left in my tiny little house. Of course, it was another risky area but we'd had plenty of time to calm ourselves down before we got there and so I figured that it was okay to start going through things properly again. And apparently, so did Seungcheol as he began to bring up the forbidden topics again. "Do you remember when we used to cuddle up under this blanket and watch television programmes?" he asked me, as if he genuinely thought that I could forget about those times when I had the blanket thrown over the back of the sofa at all times. Then he asked about other things. The shows we watched. The pillow that I always brought to my chest when I had stomach aches from overeating. The times we'd fallen asleep on the sofa. The late night fast food binges. Then the more intimate matters. The fact that I always kept a condom under the sofa seats. The way he knew about my little hiding place for toys. The countless times he'd walked in on me with a toy buzzing between my thighs. The sort of things that I would cringe over under any other conditions, but felt strangely comfortable discussing with Choi Seungcheol. 

And then we were left wanting each other again. I could feel myself getting more and more frustrated whenever something else turned up; I didn't want to have to feel like that towards him. I almost considered kicking him out on the spot so that I wouldn't have to hear him reminding me of the intimate relationship that we'd shared, both in and out of relationships, but I quickly found that the words weren't coming to me. So instead, I was forced to tell him how I felt, just so that I could chance a moment without having to hear about how much we still loved each other. "Cheol, could we please not talk about us anymore? I'm really struggling with the fact that we're breaking up right now and I don't want to want you all over again. You know that if we end up sleeping together, it'll all be for nothing, right?" I watched as his head snapped towards me and his eyes judged my expression. I couldn't tell exactly how he was feeling but I'm pretty sure that surprise was one of the main emotions. 

"It's not a good time to nit-pick your words, is it?"  
"No, but go ahead." My voice was dry, in an attempt to warn him off continuing. Of course, though, he didn't catch the hint at all.  
"You said that we're breaking up." If my eyes rolled any harder, they would have probably popped right out of my skull. He knew exactly what I meant and I knew that I didn't need to explain it to him. It wasn't anything that was massively difficult to understand and he could have even _inferred_ the meaning if he thought about it for more than a few seconds. But his eyes stayed locked on mine for a while, his expression unchanging from its neutral, flat tones, and so I was forced to give him the explanation that he wanted.

"We've essentially been dating still. Don't act as if you don't think it's true because it really is and you _know_ that that's why it hurts so much. And don't give me any of that 'breaking up with your best friend' shit because you know that we might as well have been dating. You're thinking it too, whether you admit it or not; we could have been together for the rest of our lives, had I only told you that I desperately wanted exactly what you wanted to the same extent. Because that's what this is all about. You're having to leave me because of what you want and what I _don't_ want, and that's why it's so hard for both of us right now." He stayed completely silent, of course, but I could tell that he understood exactly what I meant. In fact, I'm pretty sure that he was thinking what I was saying in the first place and that was why it hit him so hard. That was why he hurried up even more and found the excuse to leave without even checking over the house one last time to make sure that he had picked up all of his belongings. 

Saying that, though, I wasn't going to sit there and convince him to stay and check the place for two reasons. The first was that I knew that the longer he stayed with me, the more difficult it would be to say goodbye. I knew that if I spent too much time with him around, I would find myself caving and letting him stay for a little bit longer and then he would never leave. And sure, I wanted him to stay, but I didn't want him to stay in that sort of way. I didn't want him to stay in a way that would encourage us to slip back into those old habits that had been killing us from the inside for almost five years, since we started dating and had that initial discussion about this same damn issue that was causing us all of those issues in the first place. 

The second reason, if you're curious, is that I hoped that I would be able to find a few of his belongings in my home once he was gone and the memories of his person were starting to fade in my head, and then I would be able to keep those memories alive. I was already sure that I would be able to smell his shampoo on my pillow for days and his scent still clung to the hoodie that I was wearing when he walked out of the front door with his bags in hand, Perhaps I would find something else that would help me to hold his memory close. Perhaps it would be so dear to him that he would call me again and tell me that he needed it back, and then I would be able to assess how much I wanted him back. 

I actually spent a good few hours searching for more things once he was gone, for that matter. My house suddenly felt empty as soon as I watched him getting into his father's car without even a wave goodbye. I stayed by the front door so that I could see him leaving but he didn't even look up at me to say his final parting words. It was almost certainly because I'd upset him when I told him how I truly felt about our relationship and the position that we were in, but I tried to push the hurt that spread throughout my body to one side, where I hoped it wouldn't affect me too much. I pushed it as far to the side as possible and simply searched for little pockets of his existence until I was absolutely sure that he'd picked everything up and I was left with just the jumper and the pillow to keep myself company whilst I tried to let myself have time to heal. 

And that was the end of Seungcheol and I. 

It sounds pathetic, doesn't it? The whole story of our romance sounds pathetic. Two men who hate each other go to a bar, one shows the other his penis piercing, and then they eventually end up having an incredibly rocky romance that leaves them both considering how they can go above where the other person went. See poor attempts at getting together, followed by a relationship that they both needed. And then a break up over something as stupid as having children and getting married. A stubborn boy who refuses to accept that compromise can happen and one of them would eventually settle for the fact that they were okay with the outcome of their life together, and a man who loved him so much that he was willing to compromise until he was forced to move on and find someone else. Two children with two different women later, plus a handful of pregnancy scares with the countless other women he'd slept with without so much as a birth control pill - nevermind a condom - and then they begin to distance themselves because they realise that it's starting to become less about happiness together and more about the fact that they can't have a healthy, functioning relationship without it all going pear-shaped and both of them hating everything. 

It sounds absolutely ridiculous and I wished that I'd just accepted the fact that I'd found the perfect man and I would surely have come to love our children when we had them. The marriage aspect would seem scary for all of five minutes but it was something that didn't affect me that much - since I knew that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life - so it shouldn't have been a big deal if it was just for show. But there I was, regretting it once I had absolutely no chance of contacting him again. He had no social media, he'd changed his mobile phone number and didn't have a landline phone that I could call, and he even changed the branch that he was working in, according to everyone I spoke to once he'd left. He left the group chat with our friends and asked them not to let me have contact with him, and they made sure that they complied with his wishes so that we could both feel comforted. 

"Comforted." It wasn't quite right in my case and I knew that I would have been more comforted being able to know how he was and the sorts of things that he was going through in life, but I wasn't ready to step past his boundaries and violate his sense of comfort. So I left it. I distanced myself as much as possible and began looking for other things to fill that emptiness inside my heart. Hobbies that I'd never thought I would enjoy. Meeting the friends I hadn't seen since high school. Trying to find a job that I genuinely enjoyed, and not one that I did because I thought that I wasn't worth the time that any other job could give me. Spending time with my parents and thanking my sister and her boyfriend for absolutely everything that they did to help me. I wasn't going to let someone else be my rebound so my only option was to pick myself up in every other way possible. And whilst it certainly wasn't perfect, I knew that it was a step towards both my healing and his. 

Now, the story of our romance doesn't necessarily have a good ending. You were probably expecting me to say that I changed my mind and found a way to get in contact with him so that we could live the rest of our lives together and have our own happily ever after. But this is the real world, not a fairytale, and it's not as simple as us finding each other and sorting things out. It's not as simple as me turning up to his workplace and telling him that I want him back, and then us jumping straight back into a relationship where we were able to comfortably rush back to where we were before we broke up and decided that we were better off simply sleeping with each other behind his girlfriends' backs. In fact, it was the exact opposite of that. 

I moved on and began seeing someone else entirely. Someone who was very different to Choi Seungcheol and didn't want children either. I knew that he couldn't possibly be a replacement but I hoped that I would love him enough for him to help me to create a better future. Although he was boring and we didn't click half as well as I hoped we would - or perhaps, as well as I _expected_ we would - our relationship was very comfortable and we ended up moving in together after just a few months. We still had places to go if we decided that we didn't want to be together (or rather, _when_ we decided that we didn't want to be together) and the plan was for either one person to buy the other out or for us to both pay towards an early contract release so that we could have fresh starts elsewhere. 

The only issue is that five years is a long time to be in love with someone, only to lose them over stubbornness like that. Five years is a long time to know that someone is your soulmate, only for them to slip away because you could have done better. But remember, this was what I signed up for back when we first split up. I told him that I was breaking up with him before I got too attached, knowing full well that I was already too attached and that we would only continue to get more and more attached to each other as time went on. I told him that it was going to hurt when we eventually cut each other off, and so I should have been anticipating that sort of fate right from the start. 

I only wished that I'd tried that little bit harder with him before it was too late. 


	52. Chapter 52

If you're looking for some sort of epilogue, this isn't it. This isn't a "happily ever after", nor my attempt at resolving everything. No, it's a glance at how Choi Seungcheol moved on when he left me. It's a story about him, after all, so it's what you'd expect.

And even if you didn't expect this chapter directly, I'm sure that you wouldn't have been satisfied with a simple, "I never heard from him again and ended up living the rest of my life with a completely irrelevant man," so you're going to get this chapter. Lives change, you see, and so you can't expect that Mr Choi would be the same person living the same struggles, just as you can't expect that I would be in that very same position. Or perhaps you can, because his life seemed to have recurring themes throughout and so it might not even be that hard for you to anticipate the sorts of things that he'd been through.

Now, before we begin, I'd just like to point out that this is based on what I've heard from other people and what I've ended up piecing together over time, so it might have even been the case that none of this happened at all. It could be the case that I've been believing a lie for the past few years. But I suppose that it's probably not. I saw pictures of his development throughout the years; the stubble around his cheeks that looked too good to be him, and the slight greying of his hair. The tired eye-bags and the smile that had somehow stayed the same over the years. I heard whispers around the workplace, which was the exact same one that we'd worked in together, and I occasionally caught wind of the conversations in the group chat he had with the rest of our friends.

It was apparent from the start that Choi Seungcheol went on to live a relatively normal life without me. No affairs or anything. He didn't have to cheat on his partners because - in his words and not mine - I was the only one he could truly love to the point where he would consider hurting his lovers as he did. So he managed to pick himself up. He managed to push all of that negativity to one side and live a happy life with another person. He got a girlfriend once he felt that he was sufficiently over me, which was around a month after we stopped seeing each other, and they let their relationship develop at a good pace. He bought his own house and she moved in with him, and they ended up adopting three more cats together. Rescue cats, actually. From what I could tell when the photos were going around our workplace, there was an Oriental Shorthair, one who was very fluffy, one with very short legs, and then a standard shorthair housecat. Nabi didn't really like the other cats to start with, especially since it was his territory, but he got used to it and embraced them as an extension of his family when he learnt that he couldn't be the only cat in the house any longer. He was the eldest and the most headstrong but he wasn't the only one.

Then his girlfriend got pregnant with his child and the problems started. They'd rushed into it again and Seungcheol didn't know what to make of the problems that they were having as a couple. He wanted to be able to be there for his girlfriend but she was incredibly stand-offish. She was trying to make every excuse to break up with him and he didn't understand it at all, especially when she was carrying his baby. But then it all came out at once. During a particularly nasty argument in which she told him that she didn't want to be with him and he insisted that it was her pregnancy hormones speaking, she revealed that she had been seeing other people behind his back from the start. And of course, it absolutely crushed him. The first question that came to mind was whether or not she actually loved him or whether he was just a little bit of security for her. She told him that she thought that he was cute but he was carrying too much emotional baggage to be her one and only. The second question that came to mind was whether or not he was the baby's father.

She insisted that she used protection with everyone else so it could only be his. It was her way of making sure that she wasn't one of those people who didn't know who the father of their child was, since she knew that it would make things difficult with her family if she was to tell them that she didn't know who had gotten her pregnant, or if she claimed that it was him but then the baby had someone else's features and skin that was way too dark to feasibly be his baby. In fact, she even took a paternity test when the baby was born and sent him the results and so he was forced to accept that he had a second child in the world and wasn't going to have contact with either of them. Just another reason for him to keep it in his trousers, as far as I'm concerned, but I don't think he saw it like that. I think he was pretty damn devastated, actually, so probably not. I can't blame him, actually.

He tried to hold it together, but then he ended up getting a call from the vet around a week after the break up to say that someone had run over Nabi and he probably wasn't going to make it through the rest of the day. So he had to drop everything he was doing to spend the cat's final hour with him. He asked someone to send me a courtesy message and tell me that I could go to the clinic and see Nabi for the last time before he passed away, and so that ended up being the last time I saw my ex-boyfriend. The moment where Seungcheol was holding his paw and I was stroking his fur in his final few moments; an intimate touch that went without saying because the cat meant so much to both of us and he was the last remaining part of our relationship in a physical form.

I won't lie and say that we parted ways right away once the cat was gone, even though we wanted to pretend that we were only there for that. Seungcheol burst into tears and held me for a few minutes and then we went for coffee. It was relatively quiet between us but we knew that we needed someone who understood to be there by our sides whilst we attempted to get over the fact that we were without him. It was just lucky that we both had a day off work so that we could be with him there because I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I hadn't been able to see Nabi in his final few minutes. Once we had finished with our drinks and had said what we needed to say about the cat, he walked me home in order to spend those final few minutes with me, and then pressed a kiss to my cheek before thanking me for going to the clinic with him. He couldn't have done it alone, he said, and it was just important that we had each other there at the time.

So then we parted ways and we haven't seen each other since then. He went about his life and I went about mine. But my life isn't the focus of this chapter, so please excuse me whilst I push that to the side once again.

Seungcheol didn't take any of it well at all. Between everything that had happened, he couldn't emotionally handle it at all. So he ended up caving and letting his wild side out again. The side that failed to care, and the one that left him feeling protected and secure in himself. He slept with anyone who asked him for sex and frequented at both exclusively gay bars and the sorts of bars that were known for being places to pick up one-night stands. According to our friends, it was incredibly worrying because they knew for a fact that he wasn't practising safe sex at all. In fact, they had been to the gay bars with him and saw him grinding upon any guy who approached him, and then they would finish with a steamy affair in the toilets, which was far from classy and certainly not going to be safe. This was only proven a little bit later when he had to have treatment for "something that didn't really matter", which they guessed would have been picked up from one of the many people he'd slept with, and then the fact that he'd managed to get not one but _two_ more women pregnant. They had called him up to say that they were carrying his child and whilst he was certain that he would start dating any girl who claimed to be pregnant by him, the fact that there were two made it that bit more difficult.

What was even more difficult was that one of them already had a boyfriend and had never slept with him without protection before, so she didn't even know how to tell him that she was carrying someone else's child after a drunken affair. And Seungcheol didn't know what he could even do about it. Did he tell her that he would help her to raise the child if she lied about it to her boyfriend? Did he offer to pay for her to terminate the pregnancy? Did he offer to take the baby off her hands if she didn't want to raise it? She didn't even seem to know, which made things a thousand times harder. But in the end, she figured that there was no way to hide it from her boyfriend if she started to show signs of pregnancy so she ended up taking him up on the offer of getting rid of it. A simple payment to cover the costs of the process - including food and travel - and the emotional burden that it would have on her. And that was the end of that one, leaving him to deal with the second girl he'd landed pregnant.

They actually ended up dating for a while and not just because she was carrying his child. They were genuinely attracted to each other when they were sober too, and she felt a lot better about everything when he explained that he was in a bad place when he was sleeping around and such. He told her about the fact that he'd gone through a divorce because his wife changed her mind about an important matter, and then he'd ended up getting a girlfriend who was seeing someone else behind his back, then the cat he'd had for years had passed away, and those events within close proximity made for a very difficult time for him. I was actually surprised to hear that that comforted her but I suppose she thought that maybe he would end up being a wild party boy on the side whilst she was left at home looking after the baby that was growing inside of her. As it turned out, he was ready to settle down right away and he just needed to get all of the sadness that was building inside of him out. He was a good man, he apparently told her, and she agreed with that.

And for the first time, Choi Seungcheol got to see all of the stages of his child's early development. He was there for all of the scans and he got to feel the baby kicking. He got to help out when his girlfriend was getting morning sickness and rubbed her feet when she was so far into the pregnancy that she could hardly stand. He held her hands whilst she gave birth to his son and then held the baby in his arms whilst she rested. He got to see that baby develop until he was walking and then his girlfriend found out about our past. The fact that he'd been cheating on his past girlfriends with me. I'm sure that one of them saw him with her in public and decided to tell her when she later saw him again. They were in a pretty enclosed neighbourhood, after all, so it was inevitable that they were going to meet again. And although Seungcheol tried to tell her that he wasn't like that anymore and he'd lost contact with me completely, it was her philosophy that a man who cheats once will do it again, and so her sudden distancing led to further arguments, which led to them deciding that they would be better off apart.

It crushed him. I knew that much. It _would_ crush a person if they'd technically had four children and had lost all four of them in some way or another. I know that if I was in that position and I couldn't hold a relationship with someone for long enough to see my own child grow up and develop into a little human, I would be absolutely destroyed. At least, though, his ex-wife was starting to get a little bit better with things. It came completely out of the blue for him but she sent him a message to say that she realised how cruel it was to stop him from seeing Chaeah when she was growing up so fast, and so he ended up getting to meet her again. Now, I don't know for sure about this one, since I'm still working from the timeline that I managed to piece together on my own, but I'm pretty sure that she was approaching her fourth or fifth birthday by that point in time, so I guess that it was the right time for her to know who her father was.

She took to him immediately, as far as I could see in the photos. Every time I overheard conversations between our friends, it was about Choi Seungcheol and Choi Chaeah and how cute all of the daddy-daughter photos were. Sometimes, she would stay at his place and they would have ice cream and brownies for breakfast. Sometimes he would take her to the park and his ex-wife would take sneaky photos of him pushing her on the swings or chasing her around. He taught her how to ride a bike and cleaned up her knees when she wobbled and fell in the grass. There were photos of him kissing her hair and carrying her around the place, and photos of them in matching t-shirts and shorts when they went to the farm. He adored her and was ready to make up for the time he'd lost whilst he was unable to see her. And I think that it did him well. He might not have been with her mother anymore but I think it worked out for him regardless.

At least, until his ex-wife made her request to him. She'd spaced things out to make it seem as if she wasn't trying to get that sort of thing right away when she asked him whether he wanted to see his daughter again. But it had to come out again in the end, and that was something that stirred up some mixed emotions between our friends. Apparently, she'd informed him that whilst she didn't want to be with him anymore, she wanted Chaeah to grow up with a little brother or sister. A little brother or sister who had the same father. She wanted her to have that sort of sibling bond that could only be achieved through mutual genetics. And so, her request was for him to sleep with her and get her pregnant again so that she would be able to give Chaeah someone to grow up with whilst she was at the perfect age to be a big sister.

Now, you'd probably expect him to reject something like that, wouldn't you? It sounds so stupid for an ex-partner to inform you that they want to have your child and all, just so that your existing kid gets to have a sibling. And even more so when you've not had contact with your child for years. But as you can imagine, he was so desperate to make Chaeah happy and keep the peace with his ex-wife that he ended up doing exactly as she said. He ended up getting her pregnant again and ended up having another son. A little boy named Minsung, who was absolutely tiny and stayed that way. And he became a big part of his son's life right away, too. He would spend time at their house when he wasn't in work and he would make sure that his son and daughter had everything that they could possibly need, be it things that they required like clothes and food, or things that they wanted like stuffed animals and toys.

And so, everything worked out for him until his ex-wife found a new boyfriend and he found a new girlfriend.

The plan was to stay in contact and allow Seungcheol to keep seeing his children, even when they found other people and allowed other relationships to take prevalence in their lives, but it didn't work out that way at all. In fact, His ex-wife's boyfriend wasn't happy about having another man around the house and got unreasonably forceful with Seungcheol, even though there was nothing to worry about. He was eight years their junior and Seungcheol was in his mid-thirties by that point in time, so it wasn't as if there was a younger and more attractive man trying to mark his territory in the place. Not saying that he _wasn't_ more attractive, of course, but age seems to be a marker of attractiveness in today's society, so he probably didn't think that Seungcheol was anything special. Even if he had two children with the guy's girlfriend. Even if he was an amazing father and both of his children adored him without question.

Seungcheol's girlfriend, on the other hand, didn't care that much. She treated his children as she would her own, which was especially commendable because she didn't really like children that much. She thought that it was a waste of time having a baby together when there were so many children without homes, and I think that Seungcheol quite liked that response. But saying that, she would even go to Chaeah's school to pick her up if she was staying at Seungcheol's place for the night, and she really came to be one of his ex-wife's good friends. Even when she and Seungcheol eventually broke up, she remained in contact with his ex-wife and was even invited to her wedding six years later, taking a position as one of the bridesmaids. And although it's not the point of this chapter, I think that positive relationships like that are important. Even if Seungcheol didn't manage to get a long-lasting relationship with the girl, he managed to get his ex-wife a friend who she came to adore, and I think that that's a pretty great thing in itself.

Back to the main issue at hand, though, between them both having relationships with other people and his ex-wife's boyfriend not really wanting another man around the house, they ended up fading out of each other's lives again at some point. They made an agreement to send each other messages about when he was going to be able to see his children, but those messages were gradually coming to be more and more spaced out, and then occasionally there would be things that popped up that would compromise the relationship between Seungcheol and his ex-wife. For example, he was supposed to be picking up his daughter to take her to a dance in a community hall at some point - something that's really not popular here in Korea and I've genuinely never heard of that sort of thing happening before it was mentioned by the drivers at work - and he was incredibly excited about it until his ex-wife called the day before to tell him that it could no longer happen. Her boyfriend was causing arguments because he didn't want Chaeah to go to a dance with Seungcheol and started calling him every name under the sun, and so his ex-wife had to tell him that she would cancel the event.

And that sort of thing popped up more and more. When he wanted to take her to a big event, especially those marked as father-daughter events, his ex-wife's boyfriend would see it as competition and would do everything in his power to stop it from happening. Even when he was vague about it, though, the guy would search for more information online and if he found something that made it sound as if it was one of those events, he would stop her from going with Seungcheol. As you can imagine, the relationship didn't last all that long because that sort of thing gets very old very quickly and there's no need for a guy in his late twenties to be so jealous over something like that, but Seungcheol's contact with his children left with the guy, so it didn't even work out for the better that they broke up. No, he was on his own again. No romantic relationship or children to spend time with, and no people who would really understand his situation enough to discuss it with him.

As you can imagine, he ended up spending a good amount of time on his own after that. He couldn't really bring himself to find another romantic relationship because he didn't feel that it was worth it when all of his relationships crashed and burnt. He felt that it was his fault and ended up getting back into smoking for the hundredth time, and his attitude came to be incredibly stand-offish. Here and there, he would find someone to have another one-night stand with, just to sate his desire for human skin contact, but he would always use protection and would give them fake numbers. And if they were to see him again in the future and ask him why he'd ghosted them, he would either pretend that they had the wrong person or remind them that the point of a one-night stand was for them to never have contact with each other again. And that was that. That was how Seungcheol came to be for a while, until he eventually felt that he was settled enough to want to thrust himself into an adult relationship where he genuinely felt comfortable and could settle down without having to worry about his past coming back to haunt him. An adult relationship with an adult woman who understood that everyone had baggage and accepted that people do things that they regret in life, but it's what you do with it afterwards that makes the difference.

The last thing I heard was that he ended up having a wonderful relationship with her and that they ended up getting married. She was open to him seeing his children still, and she was happy to treat them as her own. The only issue they had was that she struggled to get pregnant, so they either had to try especially hard if they wanted to have a family together, or they would have to simply accept that they couldn't have biological children. But that was fine for Seungcheol, apparently, so I guess that that was why it ended up working out so well for him. In fact, it was the last thing I heard about him before my life moved on and I took different paths in life: that he was married to someone who loved him and they were trying to see if they could have a child together. The dream that I could have granted him if I'd only accepted that I was warming to the idea, once I'd seen him on his wedding day and with his newborn daughter cradled in his arms, but had ultimately been too stubborn to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter to go!! I'm sad to see this fic leaving but I suppose we'll see how it ends!!
> 
> (I've already written it so it's just a quick look over then we're ready to post tomorrow!!)
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3


	53. Chapter 53

I'm going to start this off with a little apology, actually, because I've told you a few lies over the past few chapters. I told you that the last time I saw him was when Nabi passed away, and that our relationship was over for good once he'd walked out of my house with his bags in hand. But I'm afraid to say, that's not quite the case. I do have my reasons for telling you this, though, but I won't bore you with the details of why I would tell you such a thing, only to snatch it away from you when you've grown to trust my word. All I _will_ tell you is that this is the epilogue to our romance and it's describing a time that wasn't even all that long ago. A week ago, in fact.

Well, I _say_ it describes something that happened a week ago, but it starts out a tiny bit earlier than that. Don't judge me on that, though. That bit isn't the important part, really.

Now, a bit about myself. It's my story as much as it is Choi Seungcheol's story. I am forty-two years old now. I own my own house - not a rented property, but one with a mortgage - and I have my own pet cat. I missed Nabi so much that I had to get a cat to keep myself company. He's five years old and I've had him since he was three weeks old. He was a stray kitten, having been abandoned by his mother. I bottle-fed him for the first few weeks of his life, and then I began to wean him and get him cat food. It's a bit of filler information, I suppose, but I also guess that it shows that I can keep a pet alive on my own, at least. My house is a lot better than the one I shared with Seungcheol. It has three bedrooms - including one that's dedicated to the cat and one that I've converted into a study - and both an upstairs and downstairs bathroom. Yes, you heard that correctly. I have _two floors._ It's a modern house, rather than being one of the traditional ones that we're used to having, and it's in a really attractive part of Seoul. Not in the Gangnam district like I'd hoped for when I was little, but I do live in Itaewon, which is good enough for me.

I haven't had a boyfriend for a long time. A few years at the very least. I'm not really counting if I'm being completely honest. I stopped getting into relationships with other men when I finally realised that they weren't making me happy. For a while, I was confused about what that meant but then it became clear - I didn't need a relationship to be happy, so I wasn't going to get into one unless I was absolutely certain that they would help me to become an even better version of myself. And since I wasn't confident that any boy I've met since Seungcheol could genuinely help me to improve and become a better version of me, I stopped searching. The beauty of it is that my family unit can be complete when it's just me. I don't need anyone else. It's just me and my cat, and we're happy just being the only ones in our house. We can wear nothing when we're at home or we can dress up. We can have takeout whenever we feel like it, or we could make a fancy three-course meal and pretend we're in a restaurant. The possibilities are endless.

When it comes to jobs, I'm in a much better position than I was when I worked in retail. Sure, it's not that much of a step up, like becoming a lawyer or something, but I'm working as the head care assistant at a nursing home and I think that it's a huge step up considering that I don't have a degree. I take care of the older people who don't have anyone else. Their children might have died, or they might not have had any in the first place. A lot of them are staying in the care home because their partners have already passed away, and many of them have degenerative brain disorders. It's incredibly sad to watch it. You bond with someone who doesn't remember you as a person but does remember the kindness that you give them. They give you them the love that a family member would give them. After all, you're the person who is helping them to wash and giving them their medication and dancing with them when you hold parties. But saying that, it's incredibly rewarding too. You can imagine that it brings a lot of happiness and even though you know that they're not going to live for much longer, you have the chance to bring some brightness to their life so it's not the worst thing when they pass peacefully.

I was genuinely happy with my life for the most part. I had everything sorted and I was on top of my game, and I thought that it would always stay that way. But then I received a notification on one of my social media accounts that made me realise right away that I absolutely did not have my life together.

I rarely get messages from my friends, so it was a huge surprise that someone was actually messaging me. It meant that I opened it without meaning to, having been so enthusiastic to see what had been sent, and I was instantly left regretting it. The message was from none other than Mr Choi Seungcheol himself. We weren't friends on there, so I hadn't really anticipated that the message would ever come from him, but there it was and it was absolutely undeniably him. The profile picture showed him in a suit with his arms around a woman in a stunning white wedding dress. She looked absolutely beautiful and her hands were on his chest, and I felt sick as soon as I saw it. He was married to a woman and he looked happy. His smile was actually genuine too. Glowing, in fact. I wished I'd never seen it, but I couldn't stop there. I had not even bothered reading the message just yet, but I had to know everything about his life first.

On his profile, it said that he was single. I didn't get it until I scrolled. The comments on his profile picture said things like, "Rest in peace, beautiful Choi Chorong," and, "Make sure that Jungho knows that his mommy is a fighter when he grows up." That made me feel even worse because I'd never considered that his profile picture could be of him and the person he lost. Suddenly, I felt disgusted in myself and so I almost ended up clicking off the tab and staying as far away as possible, but then I figured that since I already started, I should continue. So I scrolled more. There was a public message about her death - which absolutely crushed my heart as I read it:

"In my entire life, I think I've only ever fallen in love twice. Chorong was the one of the two who truly sobered me and showed me exactly what it meant to love and respect another person. She turned me into the man I am today and made sure that I kept all of my promises to be loyal and honest and to stay with her until we could no longer be. She was such a kind and considerate lady; always smiling and making sure that everyone was enjoying themselves. We marked our three-year wedding anniversary just a few weeks ago. Choi Chorong, 1996-2035 - you will be missed more than you could possibly imagine. The house is empty now and I believe that I'll spend a long time grieving for the loss of my wife, so please give me time. Please don't be upset if I don't reply to your messages straight away, but know that I'm grateful for every message that I receive."

I had to stop at that point. I knew that most of the rest would be photos of them together, and I just couldn't bring myself to look at them. So I shut the tab and went for a walk to calm my feelings down again, then promptly went back to check the message when I knew that I could handle it. It had a gentler tone than I expected, considering what I'd read on his profile. Of course it would be, though; it had been two years since she passed away and I couldn't expect every message to be sad for the rest of his life.

_"Hello, Jeonghan. I'm not sure if you remember me but I'm your ex-boyfriend, Seungcheol. I found you on here through Jisoo's profile and I just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you a lot lately. First of all, it has been almost twenty years since the passing of my nana and that reminded me of all of the kind things you did for me back then. I still think about that a lot and about how wonderful you were to me back when we used to work together. I also feel incredibly bad for cutting you out of my life so suddenly. This message is primarily an apology for that. It was incredibly irresponsible of me to do that to you, and you didn't deserve to have me block you out of my life like that. We were in love and so I shouldn't have been afraid to let you be my best friend again. I knew that the physical side to our relationship was unhealthy for both of us and that was why I was so bothered by it. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for my behaviour back then. I've grown up a lot and so I'm hopefully a much better person now._

_"There are a lot of other reasons too but if I list them all, this message will be too long. I just wanted to see if you were available to have coffee with me next week. We could catch up on what we've missed over the past fourteen years and it'll be my treat to you. I have a well-paying job now so you don't need to worry about money this time. I know it was a big issue back when we lived together, but I promise you now that it's not something that we need to worry about. Just in case you're feeling cautious about it, I'd like to point out that there's no obligation to meet a second time, I'm not expecting that we'll go home together, and I'll probably have to bring my two-year-old son along too, due to the lack of childcare options at my dispense, so it'll be very safe for work. I hope that this is okay and I anticipate your reply."_

It was a lot more formal than I expected, but I quite liked it. It seemed to be very Seungcheol. Every bit of the message was laced with appreciation, which I hadn't experienced in a long time, and so I knew right away that everything he was saying was very much genuine. It meant that I could put just as much enthusiasm behind my reply when I told him that I would love to meet him. I wasn't afraid to point out that I'd missed him and that I wanted nothing more than to see how he'd developed since we last saw each other, and then we arranged a date and time.

And now we fast forward to today - the day I finally met him again. We met at around six o'clock, having both had dinner before we met up, and I was honestly feeling confident until I walked in to see him there.

Choi Seungcheol was always beautiful, but there was something about his ageing face that really made me happy. He had few grey hairs yet, as much as I had expected a man of forty-six years old to have a good amount on his head, and his facial hair was shaved. Had he not had crow's feet around the corners of his eyes and deep creases around his nose and mouth when he smiled, it wouldn't have been that obvious that he was growing older. Saying that, though, the creases suited him. And by that, I mean that they made him look incredibly handsome. He almost swept me off my feet when I saw his warm smile paired with his tired eyes. I would happily say that I'm even more attracted to him now than I had been when he was younger.

Then my eyes drifted to the side, where a little boy sat in a high chair. He had a red crayon grasped in a chubby little hand, and he was trying his hardest to colour in a picture of a dragon. He wasn't old enough to have mastered fine motor skills yet, it seemed, since he was missing the lines completely, but he appeared to be enjoying himself which was what mattered the most. As I looked at him, I could see Seungcheol right away. He looked like every baby photo that Seungcheol's parents showed me of him when he was a baby. He had wheat coloured skin and soft hair that fell about his forehead and ears. His eyes were big and round, he had the cutest, squishiest little nose, and his lips looked just like his dad's lips already. I couldn't even see a hint of his mother in his appearance.

Seungcheol stood as I made my way over to the table and greeted me with a hug and a very gentle kiss to my cheek. I flushed right away, having not expected him to kiss me. It wasn't unwelcome, though, and we both knew that without a doubt. When he pulled away, he seemed equally embarrassed and let his head drop for a second before asking what I wanted to drink.  
"An iced Americano would be nice," I replied, and he gave a little nod.  
"I don't want to seem rude - I know you might not really like children or anything - but would you mind making sure that Jungho doesn't try to eat his crayons whilst I get your drink please?"

Of course, I couldn't deny him that. I told him that I would look after his son and he went over to the till to get the drink, and so I let my curiosity get the better of me right away. I moved my chair closer so that I could look at the child a little bit closer, and then I couldn't help but stroke his soft little cheek when he looked up at me and smiled. Then he laughed and my heart grew warm right away. It was, as Seungcheol had told me in the past, the most beautiful sound to hear the baby laughing like that, and I wanted nothing more than to pick him up and cuddle him.

You see, as much as I can say that I hate children and don't want to be around them, sometimes you meet a kid and you love them instantly. And that's especially the case when they're exactly like the person you love the most. By the time Seungcheol came back to the table, I'd taken it upon myself to take the little one out of the high chair so that he had a bit more freedom, and I had the colouring sheet on the table in front of us for him to continue what he was doing. I didn't even mind when he tried to stand up on my lap - he was only wearing socks and he was doing so in an attempt to take the glasses I'd decided to wear off my face. It was playful and I strangely found it endearing.

Unsurprisingly, Seungcheol seemed shocked to see that I had his toddler out of the high chair. Shocked but not annoyed. In fact, he seemed to be happy with the fact that I was holding him, and he immediately commented on it when he was sat back down with me. "I didn't expect you to get on with him," he admitted with a smile, "But he seems to like you a lot. He's usually nervous around new people too, so I thought that maybe he would cry when I left the table."  
"He looks just like you," I told him right away. Nothing else about it, since I figured that he could infer that part. Seungcheol gave a little smile and a hum of acknowledgement in response.

"I wish he'd have looked more like his mom but I suppose we can't choose these sorts of things." And suddenly, I didn't know what to do with myself. I grew quiet without realising just how long I was silent for, and Seungcheol's eyes suddenly snapped up to my face. "I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have mentioned that. I should have known that it would make you uncomfortable."  
"No, no," I blurted out right away, "I just figured that it would be a sensitive topic and I'm in no position to comment on your wife. I, uh... I saw your profile, after all."  
"It's not that sensitive anymore, I promise. We both knew it was coming. She was ill for months and so we had time to prepare." Then he paused for a moment, assessing how well I was taking it before continuing. "She had pneumonia, contracted from a respiratory infection. It was better that she wasn't in pain anymore. I'm glad that she's no longer suffering."

I didn't know what to say in response, so I simply gave an apologetic smile and dipped my head slightly. Seungcheol immediately changed the topic back to the baby, seemingly feeling a little bit uncomfortable too. "I've been a bit worried about the little one, actually. He's very forward with everything except for speaking. He has yet to say his first words, but I hope that we can get him there soon. He's having to see a language therapist about that because he has the immersion and stimulation but doesn't actually say anything." As if he knew that we were talking about him, the toddler turned around in my lap and stared up at me with huge eyes. I gently stroked the soft hair on the top of his head and then gently bounced him a bit on my lap.  
"I'm sure that he'll say something soon enough. He seems to be good with standing and holding the crayons already, and that's a sign of good development, as far as I'm aware."

The early conversation was incredibly awkward, I have to admit. I considered telling him that I had to go or something so that I didn't have to be there. The only things that kept me, in the end, were the fact that Seungcheol looked as nervous as I did, and that I genuinely wanted to be around him. Eventually, though, I think we started to loosen up as conversations about the past few years started to arise. Seungcheol shyly informed me that he couldn't bring himself to date another man formally because he knew that he would compare them to me, whereas I ended up admitting that I hadn't held a healthy relationship that lasted for more than a few months since we broke up. At that point, I think we realised that we were in the same boat as each other and decided that it was time to talk about us more than anything, which certainly helped to make things a lot more comfortable.

So we ended up talking about work and relationships; our parents and friends, and the fact that neither of us had actively stayed in contact with anyone from our old workplace over the past five or so years, other than Jisoo. From what I gathered, he was the only one who even bothered with us more recently. So we ended up discussing him, too. Jisoo had actually committed to someone, and that was a pretty big thing for him. Seungcheol pointed out how he was always fluctuating between saying that he wanted to have a long-term relationship, and saying that he would never have a girlfriend or boyfriend. It was ever-changing with his mood and when we finished working at the store, he was insistent that he was going to be single for the rest of his life. It was something that Seungcheol and I laughed about for a while before he got up to get us another coffee each.

In that time, I cuddled with his kid a little bit more. I couldn't help myself. He was the cutest child I've ever seen in my life and I instantly grew attached. I couldn't show Seungcheol that, of course, but I think that child had the power to change my mind and make me feel more comfortable with the thought of having a family. Perhaps my own would be disgusting, but I genuinely adored little Jungho and proceeded to help him with his colouring for a little while until Seungcheol was back at the table. He'd also bought his son a little carton of low-sugar fruit juice to drink, and so he proceeded to pour it straight into a spill-proof bottle for him before giving it over. As you can imagine, the toddler snatched it up right away and started guzzling it down, ignoring Seungcheol when he tried to encourage him to say "thank you".

Then the topic moved on to _us_ specifically. It's a distinctly different topic to discussing "us", may I add; this was a very specific topic about our future as a pair. It started with Seungcheol announcing that he had missed me and that I still looked as beautiful as I did when we last met. I couldn't help but smile, even though I didn't want to do that. He continued flattering me as much as he could, pointing out that he couldn't stop thinking about me. At that point, he reached across the table to stroke my hand, and then promptly leant down to kiss the back of it. I let him do that before continuing with what I wanted to say. I told him how I felt awful because I was so jealous of his girlfriends and wives and the fact that they could give him everything he wanted, and suddenly his head dropped with embarrassment again. "You could provide me with everything too," he pointed out quietly. He didn't elaborate, though, which I found pretty unusual. I suppose he thought that he didn't need to say anything, since he had determined that what I gave him was both necessary and sufficient.

Of course, the topic of our relationship inevitably came up once we'd determined that he thought I was good enough for him, but it had a much different tone to the one that I'd been anticipating. I told him that I'd missed him and he gave a hum of acknowledgement before telling me that he wished he'd put his foot down with me when he had a chance. "I wish I'd pressed that I could happily live a life without children if that's what our family unit needed. Don't get me wrong; I do love my children and I wouldn't wish any of them weren't alive, but I still think that if I found my soulmate in you when we were in our twenties, it would only be right for us to be together regardless of every other issue. And as you've seen, I had my youngest child when I was forty-four so it didn't work out how I expected anyway."

"So I suppose that I just made things difficult for you, didn't I?"  
"Well," he mused, pausing for a second, "The only thing that was massively difficult was the fact that I loved you so much that I dropped my morals. I'd had never cheated before I fell for you, and I've not once even considered it since we last saw each other. In fact, I've been on the receiving end of it a few times over the past fourteen years and I've felt how awful it is to think that you're in love with someone, only for them to tell you that they've been seeing someone else behind your back. So I did the only thing I knew how to do; I got in contact with all of the girls who I'd hurt and given an explanation for my actions before informing them that I regret hurting their trust like that and wish that I could turn back the time to sort things out." And I felt strangely good about the fact that he admitted to that, strangely enough. I felt as if things were becoming right and he had grown up and that the world was a better place with him fixing his mistakes like that.

The conversation in the coffee shop didn't last for too much longer after that. After all, it was just a general catch-up and drinks. We weren't expecting to be there for hours. Saying that, though, we only ended up leaving when Jungho began to get tired and started to nuzzle up against my chest. I suddenly froze, not really knowing what to do with myself, and so Seungcheol downed his drink in less than ten seconds before coming over to take him off me. "Sorry about this; he usually goes to bed at seven o'clock but I didn't finish work until late today, hence why we couldn't do this earlier." The toddler cuddled against Seungcheol instead, taking to him right away, and so Seungcheol pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead before taking his seat again.

And then we left once I'd finished my drink. I tried to be quick but Seungcheol informed me that his son could sleep through anything, so there was no rush to finish. A few more words were said in the meantime and then we left, having determined that Seungcheol was going to walk me home before getting a taxi home with Jungho. He dared to brush his spare hand against mine as we started walking, and so I ended up grabbing his hand right away. It left me with a tingling sensation in my chest, as if I was experiencing new love for the first time. It was at that point I decided to distract from the fact that we were holding hands by pointing out that he looked great as a father, then asked whether he had any other children. I knew for a fact that he did, but I didn't want to make it seem as if my contacts were telling me everything.

"I've got more than I'd care to admit," he told me with a slight smile. "You know about Chaeah, of course, but I gave her a little brother called Minsung. Then there's Hyungi and Jieun, who have different mothers, and then I'm technically the father of three kids through cell donation. I don't really see the ones I can contact that much but when I do, they get the absolute world. I think they like me a lot more than their mothers like me." It led to a little discussion about his family until he felt that he was talking about himself too much. I pointed out that I was the one who asked, of course, but he insisted on talking about me instead. So I ended up having to come up with things on the spot so that he felt as if he'd learnt a bit more about how my life was when he wasn't around. It wasn't all that interesting, I feel, but he acted as if I was telling him something important the entire time so I suppose that perhaps it was better for him than it was for me.

Eventually, we got to my front door, where he stopped completely still. "Your place looks great from the outside and I bet it looks even better on the inside. You've really done well for yourself."  
"Is that a hint that you'd like to come inside or something?" I asked playfully. Obviously, I wasn't hinting sex or anything when he had his son with him - I was messing with him more than anything and that was very clear - but Seungcheol's cheeks grew a little bit red either way. I watched as he took in a deep breath, and then slowly exhaled as he tried his hardest to laugh. "Don't worry, I can give you a quick tour and then you can get on your way. I just thought that maybe you'd like to see how pretty it is. I'm still caught up over you, so I couldn't help but design it after the house we were going to buy together."

It was uncomfortable to admit that. I didn't want to make it seem as if I was desperate or anything, but it was the truth. If he was going to invite me for coffee and I was going to agree, it had to be obvious that we still had feelings for each other. You don't just invite your ex-boyfriend for coffee years after you broke up without having a real reason for it. And no, "catching up" doesn't count at all. 

He seemed visibly calmer, though, and was more than happy to come inside with me. I took him around all of the rooms very briefly, making sure to keep him as interested as possible as we walked around together, and then we finished in the bedroom. "So, this is where the magic happens?" Seungcheol asked playfully. His eyes were dragging across the room as he tried to take it all in. Everything from the huge wardrobe to the queen-sized bed. I couldn't help but snort in response to his comment as I headed back out of the room.  
"Not really, no. I haven't been interested in any boys in a long time."

He didn't say anything in response. I don't think he knew how to answer me. I didn't continue with what I was saying as I took him to the door, and then we stopped right there and turned to face each other. "Thank you for this evening," he said without hesitation. He bowed slightly and offered a warm smile. "I think I should start heading home so that we can all get some rest."  
"You can always stay if you want," I said. "You can take my bed and I'll sleep in one of the spare rooms. Of course, I wasn't thinking about my words properly but thankfully, he didn't seem to find it too suggestive or anything. Instead, he just smiled and politely declined.  
"I don't want to take any more of your time when you've been nice enough to come out with me today. I do hope that we'll be able to do it again at some point in the future, though."

Then he paused. His eyes were on my face and I was painfully aware of how close he was. I could feel my skin starting to prickle with desire and suddenly, I felt vulnerable. I wanted nothing more than to throw myself at him; to tell him that I was holding off when it came to having relationships because no other man was Choi Seungcheol. I wanted to tell him that I hadn't meant to fall in love with him in the first place but I was so glad that I did because it was strikingly obvious that he was the only man I wanted. I wanted to yell to the world that the only thing I needed was for him to be mine again so that I could make up for all of the lost time that came as a result of Younger Jeonghan being an angsty little slut who wanted Seungcheol but didn't want an adult relationship. In the end, though, there was only one thing that I could think to say. "Are you thinking about kissing me right now?" I asked softly, trying my hardest to make it clear that I wanted to kiss him too. Surprisingly, he gave a little nod, his eyes flickering down to my lips for a fraction of a second. "Then kiss me, please."

I've missed the feeling of Choi Seungcheol's lips against mine. Fourteen years is a long time to go without feeling the lips of the person you love more than anything and you don't understand how much I took it for granted that he kissed me so often when we were younger. As soon as our lips touched, I felt a shot of electricity running through my body. It only lasted for a few seconds but I knew right away that it was the only kiss I needed in life. We both felt it; that much I could tell. He still had feelings for me and I still had feelings for him, and so we finally parted with each other on our minds. Our eyes lingered for a moment before we finally parted, and then I was suddenly left feeling numb as I made my way into the main room to sit down.

It has been a few hours since I sat down now, but I still feel dizzy. I don't know what to do with myself. I thought that that chapter of my life was over; that I would never see Choi Seungcheol again and that would be the end of it. But I was wrong. I was very, _very_ wrong. I'm still in love with him, reader. I'm still absolutely, one hundred percent in love with Choi Seungcheol and I would give anything to go back to the days where we were dating. I wish I was the first person he married, and I wish I was the one who gave him a litter of beautiful children that he could love. I wish I was the man who was waiting for him when he came home from work, and I wish I had been the one who he kissed every morning before he left the house. I wish that I could go back in time to tell my younger self that it was okay to give in and be with Choi Seungcheol and do all of the things that I was evidently too scared to do because I was young and naive and thought that it would snatch my life away.

You see, the beauty of everything that's normal is that you don't see it until you take a step back and look at it from the outside. Choi Seungcheol was always normal. He was an average-looking man who I just happened to see as the most beautiful man in the world. He had an average life and an average job until he decided to better himself. He wanted a family with one person, and he wanted to surround himself with children because he has always thought that the sound of children laughing is the best sound a person can hear. He held a funeral for Nabi when he passed away - having gone back to the veterinary clinic to pick his body up once we'd parted ways - even though he was the only one around at the time, and he adopted another black cat because it reminded him of the first man who truly captured his heart. He'd noticed the errors in his affairs and he did what he could to stop things before his life was completely ruined and even though I hated it fourteen years ago, I've found that I can appreciate what he did now that I've grown up and realised that our relationship was far from normal _or_ healthy.

I can claim that he's not normal as much as I like. I can claim that he's cold and bitter and that he was the worst manager I've ever had in my entire life. But men under stress are like that. Men are bitter and unloving at times, and sometimes they hurt you so much that you genuinely feel bad about yourself. Men are flawed creatures and that's normal too. By no means does that indicate that you have to put up with it, obviously, but it's worth keeping it in mind. In this particular case, I've forgiven his mistakes and I'm looking past his flaws. And I've made up my mind on how I feel about him now that I've had some time to reflect:

Unsurprisingly, I'm in love with him and have been for twenty years now. This is our story, after all, and it's exactly what you'd expect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might've cried whilst writing this because I don't want it to be the end, but here it is!!
> 
> Thank you for staying with me through this (especially the bonus chapters) <3


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